how do you get a fat woman in bed? (jokes)

[Fisher]

piece of cake lol

[Jowy]

A giant mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

The mushroom responds with "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

*ba-dum-ching.*

[I Am Stoner]

Why did the one armed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

[Madame Adequate]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Ba-dum t'sh!

[Strider]

What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?

De-calf-inated.

[blim]

there is a horse and a cow in a field

the cow says "hello horse. whats your name?"

the horse says "well i never, a talking cow"

[mooglebunni608]

Some muffins are in an oven. One of them turns to the muffin next to him and is all, 'Wow, it is really hot in here!'

And the other muffin goes 'OMG, a talking muffin!'

[Bart's Friend Milhouse]

What's the punchline?

[Laddy]

A man just got past every question on "Who Wants To Be A Millionare...:

Regis: Hello, Rodney, are you feeling good?
Rodney: Yes, Regis, I can't wait to answer the question.
Regis: Okay, you have one second to proclaim all of the Mississippis in the United States, are you ready? Go!
Rodney: One Mississippi.
Regis: Oh, I'm sorry, you're out of time.

[Shlup]

My favorite joke requires audio. :(

Lets try it anyway:

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaaa!

[Rye]

My favorite joke requires audio. :(

Lets try it anyway:

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaaa!

Oh my god. xD

[NeoCracker]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Ba-dum t'sh!

Even a half hour after reading this, this is still funny as hell.

You my sir win at not only this thread, but at life.

[fantasyjunkie]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Ba-dum t'sh!

ROFL LMAO HAHAHAHA!!! :D :D :D :D :D
What do you get when you cross Dracula and Frosty the Snowman?
Frostbite.

[rih29]

how do you get a fat woman in bed?
Tell her you have candy in your bed.

[Bart's Friend Milhouse]

Nah, with a forklift

[Dreddz]

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

[DK]

Even a half hour after reading this, this is still funny as hell.

You my sir win at not only this thread, but at life.

Eh, it was better when Towns did it with the elephants and snake. :monster:

[Vivisteiner]

Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.

[Shlup]

This thread is becoming less and less funny with every post.

[Strider]

Go ahead, make your jokes, Miss Jokey... Joke-maker!

[Vivisteiner]

This thread is becoming less and less funny with every post.

Dont insult my jokes. They're amazing!

Admit you were laughing when I said 'To get to the udder side'. Who wouldnt?

A Panda walks into a bar. He eats a sandwich, shoots the bartender with a gun and exits.

'Why d'you do that?', the nearly dead bartender asks.
'Cos its what Im meant to do,' the Panda replies.
'Look in the dictionary. It says the Panda eats shoots and leaves.'

Genius... Pure genius.

[NorthernChaosGod]

My favorite joke requires audio. :(

Lets try it anyway:

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaaa!

I get it!

[Bart's Friend Milhouse]

'Why d'you do that?', the nearly dead bartender asks.
'Cos its what Im meant to do,' the Panda replies.
'Look in the dictionary. It says the Panda eats shoots and leaves.'

Genius... Pure genius.

Total rip off of the koala bear version

[~*~Celes~*~]

What's grey, has four legs, 'n a trunk?

A mouse on vacation!

....Okay, so it's not funny, but it's the only one I know! :(

[Ouch!]

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

[Bunny]

This thread.

[Christmas]

The living joke himself (http://forums.eyesonff.com/member.php?u=4668).

[Kanshisha]

How do you get a fat woman in bed?
put christmas in the bed...

[Vermachtnis]

This guys walks into a bar and half of his head is orenge. The bartender is all like, "Dude what happened to your face?" and the dude replies, "Well I was walking along the beach when this bottle washes up on shore and a genie pops out and says the whole deal about three wishes and what-not. So I wish for a never-ending supply of money first of all. Then I wished for beautiful lady. And finally I wished half my face was orenge."

[Ouch!]

This guys walks into a bar and half of his head is orenge. The bartender is all like, "Dude what happened to your face?" and the dude replies, "Well I was walking along the beach when this bottle washes up on shore and a genie pops out and says the whole deal about three wishes and what-not. So I wish for a never-ending supply of money first of all. Then I wished for beautiful lady. And finally I wished half my face was orenge."
What?

[rih29]

This guys walks into a bar and half of his head is orenge. The bartender is all like, "Dude what happened to your face?" and the dude replies, "Well I was walking along the beach when this bottle washes up on shore and a genie pops out and says the whole deal about three wishes and what-not. So I wish for a never-ending supply of money first of all. Then I wished for beautiful lady. And finally I wished half my face was orenge."
That made no logical sense at all.

[N8V_Tidus25]

lets get offensive.

<!--Knock Knock
"Who's There"
Little Boy Blue
"Little boy blew who?"
Micheal jackson...-->*snip*

No, let's not. ~ Leeza

[Strider]

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender glances up at him and says, "Hey, why the long face?"

[Fisher]

http://forums.ytmnsfw.com/images/smilies/bush.gif

[ljkkjlcm9]

no political crap, seriously, I'm sick of it

THE JACKEL

[Strider]

http://www.metrotimes.com/sb/88814/CINDodgeball.jpg

[Peter_20]

How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
Open the fridge and put it in.

How do you get a zebra into a fridge?
Take out the elephant and put the zebra in.

[Raebus]

As a doctor completed an examination of a patient, he said "I can't find the cause of your illness. frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," says the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."

[Firo Volondé]

http://forums.ytmnsfw.com/images/smilies/bush.gif

I get it!

[Rosenti]

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

[Vivisteiner]

An old chestnut.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are lying on the grass, gazing into the stars above.

Holmes: So, Watson, what can you deduce from gazing up into the stars tonight?

Watson: I deduce that there are millions of stars and planets in the sky, in this vast universe. And on them could live other lifeforms, living millions of miles away, gazing back in our direction. We are merely insignificant beings compared to the vastness of the universe. Why, what do you deduce?

Holmes: What I deduce is quite simple. Someone has stolen our tent.

[Ouch!]

A guy is sitting in a bar and he sees a beautiful lady at the other end of the bar. He calls over the bartender and says he'll pay for the woman's next drink. The bartender nods and tells the woman this. They talk for a moment, and then the bartender comes back to the man.

"She says she's lesbian," the bartender tells the man.

"Ah, that's okay. Get her the drink anyway," the man says. The bartender does so, and when the woman gets the drink, the man approaches her.

She looks up when he stands next to her, and he says, "So, I hear you're from Lesbia."

[yumi]

I get this one all the time, especially by ODP's

'What's a midwife's best form of contraception...

...her face!'

:kaoyatta:

[Kanshisha]

lol thats good...I got one from Bunny...its
a blond walks into a building...