i need help.

[NeoTifa]

i didnt know where else to post this and this is where all the people are so...

ok i have an application on distinction to a military acadamy and i have to write an essay about myself. "Personal Essay: All aplicants must submit a personal essay. Tell us something about yourself that isn't apparent from your academic record. This is our opportunity to learn about you."

i was wondering if anybody here with experience w/ college essays could help. this is what i have so far. i think it totally sounds lame and stupid. help please ;_; im not even sure if this is appropriate

Ever since I was little I wanted to fly airplanes. It’s a lifelong dream that I have worked really hard for. With hard work, perseverance, and dedication, I know that one my dreams will become a reality. I always work hard for my goals, and a majority of the time I achieve them. I am also a logical person who knows everything has a place and time, and I like to plan ahead. Spur-of-the-moment aggravates me, but being in AFJROTC has forced me to work with people like that, so I have learned to deal with it. I am very organized and plan my day out before I even climb out of bed.
Some hobbies of mine include: reading, playing my trombone, writing short stories, listening to music, playing softball or tennis, and talking to friends. I have been in band for 6 years, playing a variety of instruments. In the 5<SUP>th</SUP> grade music class, we had to play the recorder for a concert, and the teacher knew right away I had a great talent for music. Since then I have played the flute, trombone, some percussion, some baritone, some trumpet, acoustic guitar, and I am currently taking piano lessons. I have also played softball for 5 years, and I earned an orange belt in karate when I was 10.
One of my favourite things to do on my spare time is listen to music. I usually listen to classical, classic rock, punk/“emo” rock, metal, and electronica/techno. My favourite bands include: AFI, My Chemical Romance, Aiden, Paramore, Flyleaf,, Blaqk Audio, Dimmu Borgir, Metallica, Mozart, and Dvorak. Reading is my second major hobby. I read fantasy fiction. Some books I really like include : the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer, the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling, and all of the Anne Rice books.




XD i would stop reading after the first paragraph personally lol. :tongue: lameness. im pretty modest so its hard to write a page essay about myself. :(

[Shlup]

There are two places you could put this thread--and GC isn't one of them.

*moves to Study Hall*

Anyway! My main critique is that your opening is entirely lame. Do you know how many of the essays they get probably start with that exact same sentence? Think of something more interesting. Maybe start with enthusiastically describing how you're goal-oriented, then move into how the main goal of your life has been to... fly airplanes. But use more colorful language then just "fly airplanes," like "soar through the sky as a pilot" or... I don't know, something more manly about controlling a big scary machine.

Also, too many of your sentences start with "I." I know it's a personal essay, but mostly what you're doing is listing "I this, I that," and it's boring to read.

Lastly have at least two paragraphs here crammed into one. Stick with the first one being about how goal-oriented and determined you are, leading into your goal being to ______________. Then the second one go into your other interests. I liked the part about your recorder concert.

Hope that helps. :)

[KoShiatar]

Grr, Shlup just beat me to this.

[NeoTifa]

yea, i told you i thought i was lame. thanks, though. dangit, now that its here, no one will read it :( oh well, but the colonel said last time when i wrote something like that it sounded like i was kissing butt. and i try to used too many big fancy words. :\

[Shlup]

If you're options are kiss-butt or be lame, I think you should pick kiss-butt.

[scrumpleberry]

Make it more formal, methinks. It feels very personal atm.

[NeoTifa]

...OR... if someone wants to rewrite it for me you will have my everlasting gratitude :cool:

[Shlup]

Hahahahahahahahaha! No.

*kick*

[rubah]

The most important thing is to have a voice and stuff that backs up what you want to do, to make it seem logical that you should want to do what you say you want to do. Go into detail about this desire to fly.

For example, I had to write something about myself that wouldn't be readily apparent from my academic record for a national honor society scholarship, and I came up with this (and got the scholarship)


I have a penchant for the old orders: I don't fast-forward through fifteen year old commercials while watching VHS—they fascinate me; I nearly regret how large my school has grown, remembering the free-reign and privileges we had as a small place that future students will never know they lack; I have spent hours reading arbitrary files from on-line communities that were saved twenty years ago. This is not to say, however that I do not embrace new ways that are developing in the world. I strive to maintain a sense of tradition and normalcy in my courses, but inevitably I end up straying from those paths, and from those of anyone I know. This cannot be helped, so I have come to expect it. Predictably, as one who is thrown into the world of today, I use computers excessively. However, unlike other teenage girls, that does not require the extent of my sojourns be Myspace, MSN Messenger, and Facebook Instead, I subscribe to various news “Feeds”, participate at various fora, and have taken my computer apart and put it back together again, successfully. However, I do not plan to be a Computer Science major. I will leave that sort of thing for my boyfriend; I am concerned with its parent technology field. I want to be a lady-engineer. My dad instilled a love of math in me when I was little. He went to Arkansas Tech University before I was born, took all the math courses offered there, and didn't bother to graduate since he didn't want to take six hours of English. He filled all my notebooks with “ciphering” which irritated me then because I drew in them (I like drawing, but I don't have the mindset to take art seriously, so I have technically good works of kinds that kitschy art majors find crude). Nowadays, I cipher myself in whatever notebook is handy. Mathematical aptitude seemed to manifest in another form as I attended piano lessons, then joined band, started to compose simple songs, and made All-Region bands four years running. Music and math are supposed to be related in brain function, so I suppose there is some correlation. My dad had nothing to do with this, as he is not musically inclined, but he has indulged in my pleasure in tinkering. Together we've recorded phonograph records from a 1982 Hi Fi on a computer, built an electromagnet running off of AAs, and other things that aren't a far cry from sophisticated sounding things like Mechanical Engineering. To study those sorts of things would imply I study at a college, and I have one picked out, but due to my tendency to wander off the path of Tradition and Correctness, all bets are off as to what will occur after those four years are up. There may be more schooling, or perhaps not. Hopefully a daughter or son that I can make geeky will be involved. Really I only hope I come out having a happy family and perhaps improved the world a bit.
I was aiming to be an engineer, so all the talk of math and messing with stuff helped support that.

[MKusanagi]

Ever since I was little I wanted to fly airplanes. It’s a lifelong dream that I have worked really hard for. With hard work, perseverance, and dedication, I know that one my dreams will become a reality. I always work hard for my goals, and a majority of the time I achieve them. I am also a logical person who knows everything has a place and time, and I like to plan ahead. Spur-of-the-moment aggravates me, but being in AFJROTC has forced me to work with people like that, so I have learned to deal with it. I am very organized and plan my day out before I even climb out of bed.
Some hobbies of mine include: reading, playing my trombone, writing short stories, listening to music, playing softball or tennis, and talking to friends. I have been in band for 6 years, playing a variety of instruments. In the 5<SUP>th</SUP> grade music class, we had to play the recorder for a concert, and the teacher knew right away I had a great talent for music. Since then I have played the flute, trombone, some percussion, some baritone, some trumpet, acoustic guitar, and I am currently taking piano lessons. I have also played softball for 5 years, and I earned an orange belt in karate when I was 10.
One of my favourite things to do on my spare time is listen to music. I usually listen to classical, classic rock, punk/“emo” rock, metal, and electronica/techno. My favourite bands include: AFI, My Chemical Romance, Aiden, Paramore, Flyleaf,, Blaqk Audio, Dimmu Borgir, Metallica, Mozart, and Dvorak. Reading is my second major hobby. I read fantasy fiction. Some books I really like include : the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer, the Harry Potterseries by J.K. Rowling, and all of the Anne Rice books.




XD i would stop reading after the first paragraph personally lol. :tongue: lameness. im pretty modest so its hard to write a page essay about myself. :(
Okay, focus on who you are, not what you like to do. That's not who you are. If someone asks a journalist who he/she is they probably won't say "Oh I like the 9th Symphony by Beethoven and clothes are awesome and Korn is da bomb..." They'll say "I am a person in search of the truth. It is a calling I have had forever. In conjunction with that I cannot stand by while truth flies by without catching wisps of its foretellings. Truth is my muse. It is the one thing that keeps me breathing. Therefore, I am one in search of becoming one with truth. I will stop at nothing to find it. I am, therefore, a hunter; a hunter that will spend all of eternity searching for its prey." Catch my meaning? What is your calling in life? We all have it. Some have a calling to discover the mysteries of math. Others to fight for a cause. I have the calling to serve and protect at whatever cost. If your calling, your ultimate desire...not even desire...but need is to fly planes then you should revell in it. Don't just state it as fact. Explain in detail how it creates you, funds you, gives you hope, gives you the will to live. Explain, in essence, how it IS you. Hope that helps. Reach for the stars, even if you can't reach them you'll still hit the moon!<--cliche, I know.

[NeoTifa]

thanks guys *get teary eyed* i told you i dont know what im doing or how to go about this. im a total n00b XD lol

[Momiji]

Hahahahahahahahaha! No.

*kick*

Agreed.

If anything, you can take out that paragraph on music and just add it to your paragraph on hobbies. It seems very out-of-place in an essay meant for something formal. Write more about who you are. I'm pretty sure the reader of this will judge you much more on who you are than what you do, which would seem irrelevant to them.

What would be most important for you though is to rewrite the essay in a more formal tone than the casual one you took in the original.

[NeoTifa]

oh i know. and i did. i told you i didnt know what i was doing or how to go about it. :\ but here it is!!! version 2.0 beginning!!! *chrous of angels sing blissfully in the background*

As a very goal oriented person, I have dreamt and achieved many things so far in my life. I have received a gold belt in karate, several softball trophies, a couple of cheerleading trophies, my varsity letter for marching band, other various band patches, several academic awards, induction into two different national honor societies, and countless local and national awards through AFJROTC. One of the biggest goals so far that I’m still looking forward to achieving is to be a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force. Ever since I was little I wanted to fly an F-16, but now I realise with the new advances in technology, I could fly an F-22, or even work on them. Being a computer or aeronautics engineer is my ideal career choice and I think your college will help me go in the right direction.

Being in AFJROTC for four years, I have valuable leadership and teamwork experience. I have held 14 leadership positions in the corps, and when I was flight commander, I lead my flight to victory during our quarterly flight competition last year. Tecumseh High School and Greene High School each year host a summer leadership camp, and I have attended it three times. Drill team has also been a big part of my life and has taught me teamwork, leadership, military bearing, discipline, and pride.

All of my hard work, perseverance, and dedication has gotten me through also 6 years of marching band. Working with others in a close proximity was never one of my strong points, but since I’ve been through almost anything with the other band members, I have become quite the people person. I have helped others cope with depression, boyfriend/girlfriend trouble, racist comments, and other such problems, so I feel now that I could help others and myself through almost anything now. An example of my good mediation skills is during band camp, I was section leader for the trombones, and my section was the only section not fighting amongst themselves and we even all sat together at meals.

As you can see, I have several good traits that will get me through college, the military, and life just fine. I am sure that I will do your school good and I will make you extremely proud should you accept me into your school. My hard work and organized life style has gotten me this far, it would be a shame if I didn’t get in. I have other good traits, but I guess you will have to see for yourselves this fall.



well, i ran outta time. this is the final version. take it or leave it :greenie:

[MKusanagi]

Much better! *sigh of relief*

[NeoTifa]

yay awesomeness thanks to you guys :love: