Q: Why are Baloki's hands so soft?

[Madame Adequate]

A: Because he uses furry liquid.

JOKES THREAD GO

[Rye]

What is an English major's least favorite blood type? :bigsmile:

TYPE-O!~~~~ :kaolaugh: LOLOLOLLOL.

[IronOcean]

what kind of cat do you not want to play cards with?

a Chee-Tah :D

[Madame Adequate]

What's the different between a duck?

One of it's legs is both the same.

[Parker]

HOW do you find Will Smith in the snow?!

Heh just look for the fresh prints......

[Rantz]

—Knock, knock.

—Who's there?

—The police.

—The police who?

—The police who has come to inform you of your husband's death, caused by autoerotic asphyxiation. He was cheating on you, ma'm. Probably related to his cocaine addiction.

[G13]

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

[IronOcean]

^ best joke ever

[Aerith's Knight]

What is green and slides down the mountain?

A Skiwi! xD

[G13]

^ best joke ever

:D I thought for sure that joke was so horrible that the page would be closed.

[Madame Adequate]

Hahaha I love it Guardian :D

How do you make Lady Gaga angry?

Poker face

[Peegee]

Wow non offensive jokes...I don't know any.

[Tavrobel]

How do you make Lady Gaga angry?

Poker face

I make her say "ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh," when I p-p-p-p-oke her face.

Hey, you guys wanna hear a joke?

Women's rights.

[KH-Cloudy]

How do you make Lady Gaga angry?

Poker face

I make her say "ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh," when I p-p-p-p-oke her face.

Hey, you guys wanna hear a joke?

Women's rights.

:p

[Parker]

How does moses make his tea???/


Hebrews it.

[Old Manus]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust

[G13]

OMG ^ :lol:

What do you get when you cross a hippopotamus and an elephant?

Hell if I know

[Shoeberto]

What do you get when you cross and owl with a bungie cord?

My ass! Hahahahahaha!




ENOUGH!

[Rocket Edge]

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them.

[Unbreakable Will]

^ hahahaha
Q:How do you punish Helen Keller?
A1:Put her in a round room and tell her to find the corner
A2:Put tacks on the walls
A3:Stick a plunger in the toilet
A4:Move around the furniture

Q:What did Helen Keller do when she fell down a well?
A:SHe screamed her hands off

[G13]

Hahaha that's so messed up/funny.

[KentaRawr!]

Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun he touched exactly one part of its outer layer? Well, after that he was a real tangent. :D

[DarkBahamut]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust

:lol::lol: HAHAHAHA! ROFL!

[oddler]

Haha, Kentarou. Math humor is :up:.

[G13]

Math humor is :confused:.

[Parker]

HEH plz post some dead baby jokes!!

i LOVE them! :D:D

[G13]

What do you get when you kill a baby?

Life imprisonment... sicko

I feel dirty for posting this.

[Levian]

While I personally enjoy dead baby jokes, it's probably best to avoid them for now if we want this thread to stay open.

Many great jokes so far though :up:

[G13]

Good advice. I, however, do not enjoy dead baby jokes, 'cause I don't like thinking about dead babies. I think I'll take a scalding hot shower now to wash away the filth.

[Unbreakable Will]

Good advice. I, however, do not enjoy dead baby jokes, 'cause I don't like thinking about dead babies. I think I'll take a scalding hot shower now to wash away the filth.
Yeah, I know quite a few, although im not particularly proud of the fact. I always feel bad after hearing or telling one.

[The Unknown Guru]

The short ones:

Two guys walk into a bar.
You would think one of them would've seen it.

A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and an Imam walk into a bar.
All are offended by what they see.

Me and my friends are going camping this summer. It's gonna be intense.

The long one:
A man's mother-in-law just had a stroke, so he goes to the doctor to ask how she's doing. He says,
"Well, I've got good news and bad news."
"Give me the bad news first," the man replies.
"Although she survived, the stroke did some heavy damage. Your mother-in-law will live for a good while longer, but she's almost completely paralyzed. You will have to take care of her for the rest of her life."
"What do I have to do?" the man asks, in shock.
"Well, you're going to have to cart her around in her wheelchair all the time. She can't chew, so you'll have to spoon-feed her every meal in a form she can swallow. This may mean you have to chew her food then spit it out again. Finally, she's incontinent, so you're gonna have to drag her onto and off of the toilet every few hours so she can... do her business."
The man stares in horror, realizing he will have to do all of this for maybe another 20 years of his life. Finally, he says, "What's the good news?"
The doctor, laughing hysterically, manages to say, "I'm just messing with you, man, she died!"

The 'special' ones:

NOTE: Click the damn spoilers. It's not what you think.

Why is it sad when a car full of black people drives off a cliff? They were all my friends.

How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on the bed? Politely ask him to stop.

Why did the Mexican get a green card? To legally enter the United States.

These are mostly for your own use, so you can get some laughs out of seeing how people react to them :exdee:

[oddler]

Me and my friends are going camping this summer. It's gonna be intense.

Freaking awesome. :lol:

[DarkBahamut]

I got one!

Once there were two peanuts walking down a street and
one got a-salted.

Yo mamma so fat, when she jumped off a cliff, she went straight to Hell.

[Shoeberto]

Why is it sad when a car full of black people drives off a cliff? They were all my friends.

How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on the bed? Politely ask him to stop.

Why did the Mexican get a green card? To legally enter the United States.
These were all informative and enlightening. Thanks!

[Unbreakable Will]

Yo momma so ghetto her breastmilk is Cherry Koolaid :bounce:

[trancekuja]

On one epitaph the writings were engraved : "Here rest's my wife, and I'm home resting in peace".

Here's a thread closer (admins/minors/normal people no access allowed)!


Little boy comes to his grandma's house - Granny granny! Give me one of your tits so I can play!
Grandma - Here you go son but don't wander off too far :love:

[Rantz]

If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

[Rocket Edge]

Why is it sad when a car full of black people drives off a cliff? They were all my friends.

How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on the bed? Politely ask him to stop.

Why did the Mexican get a green card? To legally enter the United States.
These were all informative and enlightening. Thanks!
Aha they are the best yet.

Why did Timmy fall off the roof?

Because he had no brakes in his wheelchair.

Why did the bird fly into the tree?

Because he was blind.

[killiancurse21]

Why did Peter Griffin cross the road?
Because you touch yourself at night.

[Vice Nebulosa]

Probably the most amusing possible display of optimism from a senile senior citizen:

"Well, I may have Alzheimer's disease, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's disease."

Totally. ^_^

[eestlinc]

I think there are various jokes in here that are on the wrong side of the line for posting here. Let's try to avoid anything too graphic/offensive. :moose:

unfortunately, that eliminates pretty much all the jokes i know.

[~*~Celes~*~]

What's gray, has four legs, and a trunk? a mouse on vacation! :D

[G13]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

[Iceglow]

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up and she told me I'd have to stop masturbating,
when I asked why she said:
because I'm trying to examine you

Edit for a second entry:

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk in to a bar
the barman says:

"is this some kind of joke?"

[NeoTifa]

Man, you guys are slacking! We have a whole forum devoted to this at DIC!

Remember Picabo Street?

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street
(pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo)
is not just an athlete ... she is now a nurse
currently working at an Intensive Care Unit
of a large me tropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
Picabo, I.C.U.

Q: What's a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform!

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 0.99999...

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
A: Elephant banana cosine theta perpendicular to both, oriented via the right hand rule.



Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."



The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"


I wish I was your derivative so I could play tangent to your curves.


I wish I was your second derivative so I could explore your concavity.


Q:what's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A:Gonorrhea

Q: What is the difference between a hooker and an onion?
A: Onions make you cry when you chop them up


A woman walks into the pro shop at her local golf course complaining that there are bees on the course and that she was stung by one.
The shop pro asks, "Where were you stung?"
The woman responds, "Between the first and second hole."
The pro then tells her, "Well, your stance is too wide."


A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”

To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”




One day Tarzan and Jane were sitting in a clearing, talking. Jane asks, "Have you ever had sex before?"
To that Tarzan asks her what sex is. She goes on to describe it and he replies, " Sure, I use hole in tree for that."
Jane smiles and tells his that he's got it all wrong, that men use women for that then asks if he would like to do that to her.
Tarzan grins, stands up and kicks her right in the crotch!
After Jane is finally able to talk between the tears and screaming she asks Tarzan, "Why in the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T
PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. IF THERE ARE 144 UNEDUCATED PEOPLE IN THE ROOM, IS IT CONSIDERED GROSS IGNORANCE?

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTI PLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTL E DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE AN 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

[Quindiana Jones]

I wish I was your derivative so I could play tangent to your curves.


I wish I was your second derivative so I could explore your concavity.

:love:

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness?
There are nomad people there. :breine:

What do you have if you've got 100 chavs buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand. :breine:

What's ET short for?
Because he's got little legs. :breine:

There's a new Indian take-away dish out called Chicken Tarka.
It's like chicken tikka, only a little otter. :breine:

What do 2 litres of vodka and Psychotic's face have in common?
They both make you sick. :breine:

Thank you! Thank you all! I'm here all night. Try the fish.

[rubah]

I'm terrible at jokes. Some of the ones neotifa quoted, I really want to explain ;_; *restraint*

[NeoTifa]

...

What do 2 litres of vodka and Psychotic's face have in common?
They both make you sick. :breine:
...


:( I like Psychotic...

[Quindiana Jones]

Some people just don't understand...:(

[drotato]

What do 2 litres of vodka and Psychotic's face have in common?
They both make you sick. :breine:


Ohmigawd, I just laughed so hard, I spit tea out my nose.


That :bou::bou::bou::bou: hurts.... thanks a lot, Quin.

[Parker]

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness?
There are nomad people there. :breine:

There's a new Indian take-away dish out called Chicken Tarka.
It's like chicken tikka, only a little otter. :breine:



Best jokes in the thread!

[Quindiana Jones]

This thread is what :breine: was made for.

[Jiro]

Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy didn't pay the ransom

[G13]

Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

What's grosser than gross?
When a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice.

What do coffins and condoms have in common?
They both hold something stiff.

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"

[Jiro]

Oh man, little kids are the best.

[Rocket Edge]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Who gives a smurf it's a chicken.

[NeoTifa]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma