Where does a general keep his armies?

[Flying Mullet]

In his sleevies!!

[theundeadhero]

xD

[Flying Mullet]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Freya]

hahah xD Nice joke!

[Flying Mullet]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"




Google plus "worst jokes", "bad puns", etc... make for a happy Mulley. xD

[Breine]

They make for a happy Breine too! xD

[Aerith's Knight]

If a bartender tends bar, what does a cocktailer do?

[Jessweeee♪]

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

[Breine]

What is it called when a person sings in the shower?



A SOAP OPERA!!! :breine:

[Meat Puppet]

They’re both fat and like to be slapped

[Rye]

What is a writer's least favorite blood type?

TYPE-O. HUR HUR HUR HUR. :bigsmile:

[Raistlin]

I am dumber for reading these.

[aquatius]

Why did the trombonist cross the road?

To get to the other slide

[Dignified Pauper]

Why did flying mullet cross the road?

to tell another stupid joke.

[Flying Mullet]

You all know you love these! :love:

[Rantz]

What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty.

[Flying Mullet]

"My dog has no nose!..."

How does it smell?

"Terrible!"

[Unbreakable Will]

*Set during the Cold War*
A young, pretty woman, an old hag, a Russian and a US soldier all get on a train. They all sit together in a private car, the lights go out as the train goes through a tunnel. A sound of a kiss, and then a loud smack. The old hag thinks to herself "That soldier must have kissed that young lady and she smacked him."
The young woman thinks to herself "That soldier must have tried to kiss me but kissed the old lady instead and she smacked him."
The Russian, bewildered, said to himself "That soldier must have kissed that woman, she must have slapped me mistaking me for him."
The US soldier chuckled to himself thinking "I kissed my arm and slapped that dirty Russian in the face."

I have nothing against Russia! Thanks for the vodka!

[Quindiana Jones]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm in your apple.

What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
Psychotic's face.

[Evastio]

Two I made up:

What did the older brother say to the younger brother when he accidently dropped his dad's watch in the urinal?
Urine trouble.

What do you call a man named Bob who broke up with his girlfriend Ruth?
A Ruth-less man.

[NeoCracker]

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
right where you left it.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in water?
Bob.

[rubah]

the last one made me think of something one of the football players told us back in eighth grade that their coach said.


I just gave birth to a little black baby. . . It doesn't have any arms or legs

it's a TURD

[Bunny]

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Ilene

What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?

Irene

What do you call a cow that has just given birth?

Decaffeinated

[Breine]

What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?

Irene

:aimhappy:

[blackmage_nuke]

What do you say when you understand sign language?

I see what you're saying

[Quindiana Jones]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in water?
Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who can swim?
Clever dick.

[Flying Mullet]

In breaking entertainment news, it was discovered that William Shatner has three ears.

A left ear, a right ear... and a final frontier!

:love:

[Rantz]

xD

[Cloudane]

Is this the worst / most ancient joke competition? xD


Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em:

What's ET short for?
He's only got little legs.

Why did the cow moo?
Because it's a cow

Thank you and goodnight.

[Meat Puppet]

Why did I lose my shoes?
I feel asleep beside a basketball court

True story, by the way.

[Lawr]

http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/sweet-corn.jpg

:smug:

[Markus. D]

I love these jokes, they always bring on an exhausted-like laugh... like, I'm ACTUALLY in a genuine sense... but it sounds sarcastic.

[Flying Mullet]

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One looks at the other and asks, "Do you smell carrots?"

[Timekeeper]

A man runs into a doctors surgery and yells "Teepee wigwam, teepee wigwam!"
"Relax" says the doctor "You're two tents."

[blackmage_nuke]

A guy goes to his doctor and says "I think Im a guitar" and the doctor says, there's no need to fret.

[Jiro]

Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy didn't pay the ransom

Why did the Trekkie get beat up at a Star Trek convention?
Because he wasn't nerdy enough

Why do you people come here?
Final Fantasy

Geddit?

[Timekeeper]

Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a banana.

Why did the boy fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at him.

[DK]

I think my favourite bad joke of all time was from my friends little sister a long time ago. I think she was only like 4-5 or something. She came up all "Why did the chicken cross the road?" and when we said we did not know and asked her to inform us she screamed "A BRICK!!!" and ran away cackling like a witch. It made no sense and it was awesome

A man walks into a bar, he says "ouch"

also, this (http://forums.eyesonff.com/2101851-post1.html)

[Rocket Edge]

What do you call Bob the Builder during the recession?

Ans: Bob

[Bunny]

A man walks into a bar, he says "ouch"

Three blondes walk into a building, you'd think one of them would have seen it.

[Ouch!]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall? Art.

[Timekeeper]

Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket?

So he could run his fingers through his hair :smug:


Sure these might be a bit too punny and most of them stink (I'm probably a bit too much of a pungent myself) but we have to keep this thread alive :(

[Flying Mullet]

Here's a little gem my coworker just shared with me and I couldn't not share it:

Why did the one-armed man cross the road?

To get to the second-hand store!

[I Don't Need A Name]

What do you call a man with a bird on his head?
Cliff

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug

Women are like vacuum cleaners:
If they stop sucking, change the bag.

[I Took the Red Pill]

q: why couldn't the kitten drink its milk?

a : its head was nailed to the floor

[Raistlin]

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

[Flying Mullet]

Beautiful! :cry:

[Moon Rabbits]

q: why couldn't the kitten drink its milk?

a : its head was nailed to the floor


thread won.

[Timekeeper]

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug


What do you call that same man when you take his shovel?
Douglas

[Duce of Daggers]

I am dumber for reading these.
:joker:

[Timekeeper]

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says

‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

[NeoCracker]

How do you make something holy?
Burn the hell out of it.

[KentaRawr!]

Hey, hear the one about the guy who flew so close to the sun he touched exactly one part of its surface area?

After that he was a real tan gent.

[Chemical]

loving it.

1. What do Princess Di and Pink Floyd have in common?
The Wall.


2. Raistlin.

[Raistlin]

Ashley's face. :mad2:

[Leeza]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

[Flying Mullet]

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.. He acquired his size from too much pi.

[Rantz]

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/729269/Emoticons/deviantART/Facepalm_v2_by_DMKike.gif

[Flying Mullet]

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

[I Took the Red Pill]

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

[Aerith's Knight]

What is green and glides down the mountain?
A Skiwi!

[Raistlin]

Mullet -- though it's a struggle to type through the pain from those obnoxiously terrible puns, you are my hero.

[Tavaryn]

Q: What's the difference between an orange?
A: And the other one doesn't!

Q: What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A: A pilot, you racist.

Q: A man walks into a bar.
A: He is an alcoholic, and his condition is tearing his family apart.

[Raistlin]

The last two are more unjokes than puns, though those are also amusing.

Q: Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
A: Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

[AntRid]

An egg and a sausage in a frying pan,
The sausage says it’s hot in here
The egg says “omg it’s a talking sausage!”

[rubah]

I don't get your first one, tav T_T

[Loony BoB]

Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff.

Boom boom, sssss.

[KentaRawr!]

Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff.

Boom boom, sssss.

More like "boom boom squish"

BADUM TSSS

[fire_of_avalon]

OK SO

a snail is...snailing down a forest path when she is mugged by a turtle! her fellow woodland creatures call for help and two jack rabbit policemen show up.
"we need you to tell us about the event, ma`am," said one of the policemen.
"oh!" said the snail. "i don`t know... it all happened so fast!"

[AntRid]

Two women sitting in a room without talking

[KentaRawr!]

Two women sitting in a room without talking

Your Mom in front of a mirror.

[AntRid]

Two women sitting in a room without talking

Your Mom in front of a mirror.

You

[KentaRawr!]

Two women sitting in a room without talking

Your Mom in front of a mirror.

You

Me

[AntRid]

Two women sitting in a room without talking

Your Mom in front of a mirror.

You

Me
Damn your good at this

[Aerith's Knight]

You sit by the fireplace. There is you, your loved one, and time. You look into each other eyes and just when you start to kiss the sun creeps up through the windows. You sigh, where did time go?

He got embarrassed and ran out.

[NorthernChaosGod]

Lol, you're not supposed to have both tags be end tags.

[Mercen-X]

also, this (http://forums.eyesonff.com/2101851-post1.html)
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/729269/Emoticons/deviantART/Facepalm_v2_by_DMKike.gif
Please... why would do this to me? Why would God allow you to do this to me?
I am dumber for reading these.
Agreed.

Q: What's the difference between an orange?
A: And the other one doesn't!
Oh! I get it! You're missing 5/8 of your brain! :drool::face:

[Timekeeper]

I was so happy when I saw this thread had made a come back :love:




Q: What's the difference between an orange?
A: And the other one doesn't!
Oh! I get it! You're missing 5/8 of your brain! :drool:

It's similar to this one:
How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish.

It's not a pun, it's a non sequitur.

[Jiro]

Nerd

[Mercen-X]

Dren

[Timekeeper]

Now Jiro, that's just what, irony?

[Jiro]

Can somebody hand me some dry ice because that burn wasn't very good.

[Loony BoB]

A fire recently broke out in Seaworld, killing a man trapped within one of the buildings. Local police are treating the death as suspicious. The origin of the blaze is yet to be confirmed. An aerosol deoderant can was found along with a lighter close to the source of the fire and there was heavy damage caused by highly flammable gases and liquids which are used for the dental care of the theme park's animals. CCTV footage also shows that a performer known for fire juggling whilst standing on the backs of animals within the park was practicing his performance there on that night and has been taken for questioning.

Police spokesperson Wesly released a statement advising "All we can say for now is that this fire was either Axe or dental or done on porpoise".

I'm here all night, folks!

[Quindiana Jones]

80% of English people didn't get it.

[*Laurelindo*]

This one is so lame it almost becomes funny for that reason.

"How do you get an elephant inside a fridge?"
"You open the fridge, put the elephant in there and close it."

[Raistlin]

Daniel, I have never in my life seen a more forced, tortured, pathetic excuse for a joke. You deserve to suffer as you have made my brain suffer.

[Tavaryn]

Q: What's the difference between an orange?
A: And the other one doesn't!
Oh! I get it! You're missing 5/8 of your brain! :drool::face:

Zing. :colbert:

[Loony BoB]

Daniel, I have never in my life seen a more forced, tortured, pathetic excuse for a joke.
This is just how a good pun should be, so I am happy. :aimsun:

[Jiro]

I don't know whether to clap or hit you in the face Daniel. I'm so confused.

[leader of mortals]

1 month is short enough to revive this, I think...

From Impossible Quiz 2!!!

What do you need to build a green house?
Paint

When is a door not a door?
When it's a jar

[McLovin']

How many animals can you fit in a pair of panty hose?

Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a :bou::bou::bou::bou:load of hares, one camel toe, and a fish that nobody can find!

[Flying Mullet]

Two hydrogen atoms meet. The first one says, "I think I lost an electron." The second asks, "Are you sure?" To which the first one replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

[Rebellious Eagle]

Two hydrogen atoms meet. The first one says, "I think I lost an electron." The second asks, "Are you sure?" To which the first one replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Oh my, that one was a knee-slapper!
Here's one...God created Saturn...and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Ha ha.

[Flying Mullet]

Deep thoughts from Confucius:
"Man who run in front of car feel tired."
"Man who run behind car feel exhausted."
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky."

[leader of mortals]

Deep thoughts from Confucius:
"Man who run in front of car feel tired."
"Man who run behind car feel exhausted."
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky."

"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls can not walk"
"Man who walk through turnstile sideways go to Bangkok"
"It take many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it"
"Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails"

[Pheesh]

How many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"One, he holds the bulb while the world revolves around him."
~
How do you get a drummer off your porch?

"Pay him for the pizza."

[Flying Mullet]

For those of you that didn't see <i>The Big Bang Theory</i> the other night:


Why did the chicken cross the möbius strip?






To get to the same side!

[NorthernChaosGod]

Oh, Sheldon. :D

[bipper]

Sheldon cracks me.

[Laddy]

Sheldon cracks me.
Ew!

[Flying Mullet]

An exchange my old coworker had with his son:

Timmy: "I don't like Mommy. She does bad things."
Daddy: "Well Timmy, that's why Mommy needs Jesus. We all do bad things at times. That's why Jesus had to die."
Timmy: "Mommy's sin is unforgivable. She disobeyed me and ate all my Cheetos".
Daddy: "I remember when that happened. You were crushed."
Timmy: "I still am."

[Cloudane]

Some FF ones :)

What's the hottest curry in Oerba?
A phall'cie

What's the difference between a chicken and a chocobo?
You can choke a chicken. But you can't chocobo.

[Quindiana Jones]

To get to the other side.

Why did the tachyon cross the road?

[I Took the Red Pill]

^ haha

[NorthernChaosGod]

An exchange my old coworker had with his son:

Timmy: "I don't like Mommy. She does bad things."
Daddy: "Well Timmy, that's why Mommy needs Jesus. We all do bad things at times. That's why Jesus had to die."
Timmy: "Mommy's sin is unforgivable. She disobeyed me and ate all my Cheetos".
Daddy: "I remember when that happened. You were crushed."
Timmy: "I still am."

Haha, this is great.

[Iceglow]

They say a womans work is never done.

Maybe thats why they're paid less.

[Flying Mullet]

<i>Man who run in front of car feel tired.</i>
<i>Man who run in back of car feel exhausted.</i>
<i>Man who walk through turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.</i>

[Citizen Bleys]

A bull is grazing and stumbles across an unexploded grenade. It promptly eats it. What is this called?
Abominable

Thirty seconds later, the grenade goes off. What is this called?
Noble

[KentaRawr!]

I don't get that one.

[Flying Mullet]

A bull is grazing and stumbles across an unexploded grenade. It promptly eats it. What is this called?
A bomb in a bull.

Thirty seconds later, the grenade goes off. What is this called?
No bull.

[KentaRawr!]

Oh.

That's pretty funny.

[Aerith's Knight]

A ranch dressing bottle tops over. What is this called?

An Avaranche.

[Mo-Nercy]

What do you call a man with a spade?
Doug

What do you call a man without a spade?
Douglas

What do you call a man in debt?
Owen

What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack

What do you call a man with three eyes?
Seymour

What do you call a man with sports equipment?
Jim

What do you call a Brazilian man with a rubber toe?
Roberto

[Cloudane]

What's brown and sticky?
a stick.

[Pheesh]

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Hmm, here come the elephants over the hill.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses
Nothing, he didn't recognise them!

:D

[Timekeeper]

I saw the original jokes thread by Laddy Beer Gut, and I decided to revive this old beauty :D

Here's one I made...

What's more intense than a category 5 cyclone?
Camping.