View Full Version : [F] Rantzien's Adventures - an EoFF fanfiction.

10-21-2009, 03:54 AM

Hello. Apparently it's National Novel Writing Month. At least, that's what a thread in General Chat says, and threads in General Chat never usually have anything untrue in them. So I'm writing a novel about EoFF. It has Rantzien in it. Maybe you too.

I will write it in whatever style I feel like writing it in at that particular moment.

10-21-2009, 03:55 AM
Rantzien awoke one morning and he was in his bed. "Today is the day to do my adventures" yelped Rantzien. He is Swedish and a man. He got out of bed and make a breakfast and the breakfast was for him and had many toasts in it.

"Time for adventure!" bellowed Rantzien and out of the door he went to the adventuring. He got onto his skateboard and skated down the many lanes.

As he was in a forest a voice said "You are in my forest! You will stop!" "Oh no this is not very good" exclaimed Rantzien. He did not want to stop at all, he wanted to have an adventure. "My name is Lekana I am a troll" said Lekana, who was a troll. "Why are you doing this to me, have you no sense of friends?" asked Rantzien. "No" said Lekana. "This is not good at all" replied Rantzien and he pulled out his rocket launcher and fired six rockets at Lekana and drove away in his car.

Further down the roads he saw a sign. Upon the sign it said "Heros? You are wanted by me!" and it was outside of a tavern and in the tavern were many people and some were also women. "This sounds like the kind of adventure I could have today!" thought Rantzien with glee, and he hurried into the tavern.

"Hello I am heard there was adventure required" said a man. His name is Quin. "Perhaps, reveal to me what you have to offer" remarked Rantzien. "I said there was a beautiful princess. The princess is in a cave and the cave is many monster's house, also there is dragons, you will have to tread so carefully" said Quin to Rantzien. "Oh" squealed Rantzien and he decided this was the adventure for him.

"No, Rantzien! This is not the adventure that is for you!" said Jiro who was there. He dropped on his robe, expunging his body to all within the place. "This will be your end of time!" said Jiro. "Now, we will fight and you will be the one to lose!" "I'm not so sure if this is going to be a fun experience" sighed Rantzien, preparing for the challenge ahead.


10-21-2009, 03:55 AM
radiating, and the air
is aglow; flickering outwards.
destiny's hour and
his footsteps firm.

pale, and yet so rigid.
harsher times than these
guide his steady hand;
malice unprovoked, yet,
not unanswered

crackling, and the losing
of one's own; like
drifting off, unwilling.

iron trickles; dull and grey.
today's not the one.

"THAT IS YOU TAUGHT!" shouted Rantzien to Jiro on the floor. "LISTEN, TOWNSMEN! I am Rantzien, and today I say is my adventure!" everybody was quiet because they could see that today was Rantzien's adventure. He had ten Corona beers and two Vanilla Coca-Colas and he drank them too.

"I say old chap, from what I gather, there's an adventure on the cards" said the skeleton. "Oh! What are you?" enquired Rantzien. "I am theundeadhero." said theundeadhero, who was an undead hero. "I'd like to tag along with you. Party up, if you will." said the skeleton, who was theundeadhero. "Yes please! We can become good friends!" belched Rantzien, as he tied his shoe. "Today is the day for our adventure!"

The adventurers walked out of the tavern and climbed into Rantzien's beach buggy and he drove it really fast and did some powerslides and skids. There was a sunny day. Suddenly some bandits came out of a house and said "You are in our territory and now you will have to pay us all of your money!" "Gosh", said theundeadhero. "I'm afraid I'm broke at the moment. They'll surely snatch my bones as their toll." and he was not happy.

The bandit leader had a mustache and a pocket watch and a belt and his name was krissy. "My lips are chapped. Do you got any chapsticks? Give to me your chapsticks." said krissy. Rantzien had pity for krissy because he did not have any chapsticks and he knew krissy had chapped lips for sure. "I am sorry krissy I do not have any chapsticks" wailed Rantzien. "You must be killed then Rantzien" said krissy who started trying to kill Rantzien.

"NEVER! My adventure is today!" roared Rantzien, and he did a roundhouse kick, an uppercut and a backflip and krissy and his gang of bandits were stopped. "Come on, you skeleton. We'll have adventures now!" and Rantzien and his theundeadhero were driving off.


10-21-2009, 05:36 AM
I had some chapstick but he didn't ask :(

Huckleberry Quin
10-21-2009, 02:26 PM
This is my first time as a quest giver, I hope I didn't start too hard. :(

Also, any man who can drink a sip of Vanilla Coke, let alone two bottles, is a true hero in my mind.

10-21-2009, 04:50 PM
Rantzien somehow found the energy to will himself back onto his feet, slung his pack over his shoulders, and once again began that weary trudge towards the fabled cave. The dull ache in his feet that had faded while he had rested slowly came back, and now there was a gnawing in his back from the weight of his provisions.

"By my count, old son, the cave should be just over that ridge" said his companion, theundeadhero, with a wave of his bony hand. "Oh right" answered Rantzien, although truthfully he couldn't even see the ridge, but he didn't want to say so out of fear of looking rather silly in front of his skeletal comrade.

After what seemed like hours of dragging his sore limbs down a barren highway, Rantzien could clearly hear what sounded like sobbing. As he and his undead chum rounded a bend, they came across a pretty blonde lass sitting atop a rock, bawling her very eyes out.

"Miss, what seems to be the problem?" queried a concerned Rantzien. "Ach no" said the girl. "Me Daniel's run away on me, he has! He has stabbed me in the back!" "Daniel?" said theundeadhero. "Loony BoB" said the visibly distressed Scot. "Won't you help me get him back?" Rantzien didn't want to. His feet hurt, his back hurt, and frankly he just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. "Of course!" He found himself exclaiming. "Today is the day for my adventure!" There was that phrase again. He had been saying it all day, and he wasn't entirely sure why. "Ach! Thank you so much!" she said, as theundeadhero and Rantzien went off to find this Loony BoB.

And find him, they did.

A͓͇̯̼̙͛ͬͦ́̒t̜̯͍͙̘͚̣͇̳́ͣ̈̊̅͒̀̕o̢͚̦ͨ͌̎͊͘p̷͔̭̮̤͚ͥ̍̅̅̉̐ͣ̓̓ ̠̥͓̳̪̫͎̔̌͛ͭͧ̿t̸̵̝̙̠̞͙̖͈̜ͣ̔͒ͤͮͨ̾h̢̰̤̩̳̝͖̑̆̈̒̄͂͜e̖̳̼̜͍͚͈͇̋̊ͥͪ̚͡͠ ̘̙̣̹̖̩̪̬̽̓̍̌ͯ̚t̫̜̥̫̤̄ͮ̀ͬ̒͟ḩ̼̹̙͇͎ͬ͌͊ͯͯ͋̍̈́i̳͖ͮ͆ͩ͗́n̩̻͔͚̪͛ͪ͑͘k̪̣͖̳͖̱̯ͪ̿͋̇̊ḯ̥̲̘̮̜̣̤͂́͜͝n̢̩̣͔̙ͨ̒ͥ͜͠gͧ͌͛ ̤̥̠̫͙͍̻̗ ̡̆ͭ͛̋͏̘̖̼̯̩͔̼͈̬r̪̼̺̖͔̗̈́̓ͦ̀́̚o̩̗̬̩͕͛ͪc̻̜̩͚̹̻̓̂̅̓̂͡k̭̙͇̗͉̉ͫ̈̅̽͑,ͩ̈̇̎҉̫̙̹͇ ̸̛̞̩̏̅̍͞ḩ̺̬͖̝͉̦́̓e̥͔̜̊̄ ̷͚̰͑̃̇͆̈̀͝w̶̛͉͖̞̘͒̓ͮ̅̆͊a̺̪̳̟̙̮̲̎ͦ̇ͬ̌ȉ̶͈̣̲̆t̷̴͙̯͍͍̭̠͂̆̄̈́̇͑́s̳͖̤ͩ̍͂̂.̥͈̟̔

Huckleberry Quin
10-21-2009, 05:25 PM
BoB has his own thinking rock?? Jealous.

10-22-2009, 02:00 AM
This adventure is a tiring adventure!

10-22-2009, 04:51 AM
What did BoB do? D:

10-22-2009, 05:24 PM
"I'm so glad I could show you this", said Loony BoB.

"You were right, it really is beautiful" replied Del Murder.

The two were sitting atop Loony BoB's thinking rock, alone in the woods.

"I've never said this to anyone before, but Tony, I think you're a really special person, and I'm so glad you could be a part of my life" said Loony BoB, putting his hand on Del Murder's arm. Del Murder blushed and looked away, and BoB did not remove his hand. He could tell that Del was nervous, and was waiting for BoB to do all the work.

"Why are you so pretty, chipmunk?" he pressed further, now running his hands through Del Murder's greasy hair.

"I told you not to call me that!" said Del Murder, fiercely, but BoB knew Del's protests were half-hearted.

"What would you have me call you instead, hmm? Buttercup? Rose? Tulip? Of course, none of these flowers are as beautiful as you". Del Murder swelled inside. He liked hearing these things, but he was yearning for BoB to make his move, to take the next step. BoB was an old hand at this, and he knew that the longer he dragged it out, the better it would be. Of course, he couldn't take too long, else the moment would be lost.

"You're too nice to me, Daniel", simpered Del Murder, stealing a quick glance at BoB's lips. "I'm so lucky to have you in my life."

"Oh, I'm the lucky one." grinned BoB, and it was at that point he dived in and took the plunge.

Their lips melted together, as butter on a piece of fresh toast. The air was hot, humid, and the kiss soon followed suit, becoming more and more passionate. BoB explored with his tongue, and Del had to fight every urge in his body, for he knew this was wrong, and yet it felt so wonderful.

BoB placed his hand on Del's thigh, and Del knew what that meant.

"Oh Daniel, let's not spoil it" he said.

"Oh, I quite agree" replied the kiwi, kissing Del's neck. "We most definitely shouldn't spoil it" rubbing his hand up and down his thigh.

"Stop" moaned Del.

"I'll only stop if you want me to. Do you want me to?"


At that moment, a mighty shout was heard.


Del took off running, for fear of being discovered. BoB cursed, he had been so close to achieving nirvana. Whoever this lumbering oaf was would receive the full brunt of his frustrations.


I Took the Red Pill
10-22-2009, 07:36 PM
twas only a matter of time 'til the gay installment

10-22-2009, 07:42 PM

Huckleberry Quin
10-22-2009, 08:01 PM
That was hideous. :barf:

10-22-2009, 09:43 PM
With thanks to the sublime SP-Studio. (http://sp-studio.de)






























10-22-2009, 11:27 PM
lmao love it

Huckleberry Quin
10-23-2009, 11:30 AM
This shows that Psy got bored of writing. xD

10-23-2009, 04:06 PM
The following episode of Rantzien's adventures contains a naughty word!!!

theundeadhero stuffed Loony BoB into his cheeks like a hamster does with food, and began to digest him with his cheek acid.

"Wait, weren't we supposed to be returning him to that girl or something?" queried Rantzien. theundeadhero stopped, looked at Rantzien with an "Oh shit" expression on his face. He spat BoB out with a loud "PFAH!"

"He's still servicable. A touch melted, perhaps, but hopefully the lady won't take offence to that" said theundeadhero. Rantzien stared at the half-digested corpse.

"Jesus christ, man, put him back, put him back." he ejaculated. "We don't have to tell that girl anything" he added, as theundeadhero began to consume Loony BoB's bloated body once more. "We never even have to see her again."


Rantzien and theundeadhero were riding some motorbikes really fast and were doing stunts and jumps and flips and things. Then they found Jessweeeee who is actually a female.

"Hello to you boys I am Jeswe" she said to the men they had got off their bikes to see to her. "Hello this is my Rantzien and this is theundeadhero" announced Rantzien. "We're going to cave. The cave has dragon and many monster inside. Can you point us?" "Yes" said Jesswee "but now you will be defeating me at tic tac toe." "Oh" said Rantzien and he did a ninja kick to some monkey pirates that were nearby and ready to perform assaults.

INTERACTIVITY THYME! Anyone reading this thread can tell Rantzien where to put his O's. If you tie or beat Jessweeeeee she will tell them the right way to the cave! If not... :erm:
This shows that Psy got bored of writing. xD No because
I will write it in whatever style I feel like writing it in at that particular moment. Comic writing is still writing. :monster:

10-23-2009, 11:27 PM
My hair is sooo beautiful.

10-24-2009, 12:27 AM
Oh yes, please tell me where to put my O's. :jokey:

Huckleberry Quin
10-24-2009, 03:54 AM
Put your O in the middle and spend the rest of the game intercepting her. It will be a tie.

As if I read your posts properly, Psy.

10-24-2009, 04:15 AM
As if I read your posts properly, Psy.LOGICAL FALLACY!!!

Huckleberry Quin
10-25-2009, 11:20 AM
Top middle!

10-25-2009, 11:23 AM
Since when you took up writing? lol. :bigsmile:

10-25-2009, 03:12 PM
Since when you took up writing? lol. :bigsmile:Since last week I guess. :tongue:

Huckleberry Quin
10-25-2009, 09:46 PM
Bottom left!

10-25-2009, 09:54 PM

Will Quin win or will someone rush in and throw it all away?!

Huckleberry Quin
10-25-2009, 11:01 PM
Middle right!

And of course I wouldn't win. Only the person who goes first has a chance of winning, unless they're a complete reject.

10-26-2009, 04:13 AM
Except I clearly stated that a tie was a victory. :greenie:

We now return to your scheduled programming.

10-26-2009, 04:18 AM
There once was a jolly young Swede
Who had become very lost indeed
Then he won at tic-tac-toe
And found out where to go
And he was so happy that he peed.

There once was an undead hero
Who had become a bit of a zero
He told Rantz the wrong way
He caught a cold yesterday
But at least he fared better than Jiro.

There once was a girl called Jess*
Who helped the boys out of a mess
She told them "Go east
To find the ravenous beast"
And she was right...more or less.

Jess as in Jessweeee♪ not Jess or Rye or Jessica_wohoo or any other girl bearing that dreadful name.

10-26-2009, 06:22 AM
If I had gotten here sooner I could have made him lose ;_;

10-26-2009, 08:28 AM
This is a wonderful tale, indeed.

I enjoy the random riddles. It's like reading a Redwall book.

Huckleberry Quin
10-26-2009, 08:48 AM
If I had gotten here sooner I could have made him lose ;_;

I do not lose.

I like how I've managed to make it perfectly symmetrical, from bottom left to top right. Purty.

10-26-2009, 10:20 AM
Did I die or something? I forget. Well done Quin on preserving Rantzien's adventure

10-26-2009, 07:16 PM
"And you're quite sure this will take us to the fabled Cave of Some Sort of Horrible Death?" asked Rantzien nervously, as he and theundeadhero clambered into the catapult.

"Oh sure. I guess." said Jessweeee♪, who rather seemed to be enjoying loading them into it.

"And it's perfectly safe, too?" he pressed further, wondering if her anger at losing had caused her to do this.

"Hmm? Meh. How the hell should I know? Just stay still for a moment." With a clanking, the catapult launched the duo skyborne. Rantzien was exhilerated. Here he was, racing through the air like a jet, wind in his face, assorted bugs flying into his mouth, it was as if he was free of everything.

"My birthday's coming up soon, dear boy" said theundeadhero, interrupting your thoughts.

"Is it?" said Rantzien.

"Yes. I just didn't want it to be awkward if you didn't get me a present."

"Oh. Uh. Well. Thanks for telling me."

"Not at all. It's on the 31st, you know."

"Oh, your birthday is on Halloween? That's kind of fitting, what with you being a skeleton and all"

"Afraid not. 31st of December."

"That's three months away."

"Yes. Yes it is. Well, just thought you should know."

Rantzien thought this conversation was far more awkward than it would have been if he had not bought theundeadhero a present, however, this line of thought was cut short when he had a rather disturbing realisation.

"Hey, hero?" he yelled out to his accomplice.

"Yes, my good fellow?"

"I don't want to seem alarmist, but how do you think we're supposed to la-"

10-26-2009, 07:20 PM
Did I die or something? I forget.The poem in chapter 2 explains it all quite clearly and most definitely not in an obscure and vague manner.

10-26-2009, 09:14 PM
Oh no did they die?


10-26-2009, 11:49 PM
Of course not. Rantzien's a Bumble, and Bumble's bounce!

10-28-2009, 09:23 PM
Guardian XIII loved Shauna.

He had loved Shauna for many years. As a child, he had climbed up the tallest tree in the village to rescue her cat. He was terrified, but he did it just to see her smile. The years rolled on, but his love never dimmed. He picked wild flowers for her and made necklaces for her out of interesting stones he found by the river.

As a strapping young man, Guardian XIII finally felt ready to do what he had wanted his whole life, to marry Shauna. However, her father (note to self: change this to pimp????) Sagensyg would not hear of a poor farmer's son like Guardian XIII marrying his daughter, and refused to grant his permission. Guardian XIII pleaded with him, and Sagensyg relented, provided that Guardian XIII could prove his love for Shauna by bringing back the head of the rotten gorgon rubah.

And so Guardian XIII set out to slay the gorgon and win the hand of fair Shauna. He forded streams, braved freezing cold mountains, and traversed deadly swamps. He cut his way through humid jungles, navigated treacherous seas, and clambered up jagged cliffs.

The fierce Gorgon rubah was worse than any of the perils he had faced on his quest, and a most epic battle between the two occurred. Guardian XIII knew that just one glare from her accursed eyes would turn him to stone, and he took the iniative and stabbed them out. The wounded gorgon was enraged, and her barbarous attacks stunned our hero, and the serpents that made up her hair hissed and spat at him, and bit him, poisoning him. However, the power of love is not to be taken lightly, and eventually Guardian XIII overpowered that wretched creature and claimed her head.

Many months had passed and he was nearing the end of his journey, Shauna's warm embrace. The village was just around the corner. He could see it. Oh, how wonderful it would all be. He had done it.


"You were saying something, dear fellow?"

"Well, I was going to ask how we were going to land, but this convienient pile of red goo seems to have taken care of that nicely."

"Rather. By jove! Is that the cave?"

"Huh, I guess so. There's a sign, so maybe that'll help us."

"Looks like it. It reads Cave of Some Sort of Horrible Death welcomes visitors of all faiths and colours. No flash photography."

"TODAY IS THE DAY FOR MY ADVENTURE!" shouted Rantzien, and he charged into the cave's mouth.


10-29-2009, 01:58 AM
Rubah got beheaded? I WILL BEHEAD YOU, YOU BLOKE. :mad2:

10-29-2009, 03:49 AM
This is such a wonderful story!

Huckleberry Quin
10-29-2009, 05:07 AM
I don't like Rantzien or theundeadhero anymore. :(

10-30-2009, 05:22 PM
I never even got to meet this Shauna lady. :cry:

10-31-2009, 10:59 PM
Most definitely a part of Forever canon.



















10-31-2009, 11:10 PM
xD This is great.

10-31-2009, 11:35 PM

11-01-2009, 12:10 PM
NOT A DRAGON! It's a fat dragon it won't be able to chase them don't worry boys.

11-02-2009, 02:54 PM
That dragon's tummy remind me of yours PAUL!. :bigsmile:

11-02-2009, 03:26 PM
"You! Overweight Dragon-fiend! You will be the one to fall!" roared Rantzien at the dragon, which was rapidly approaching the duo. The dragon roared right back, and sent a jet of flames at them as a warning.

"Once more unto the breach, dear friend" said theundeadhero, taking a deep breath, and the two charged right at the portly green serpent. This, of course, is not the best strategy to employ when fighting a dragon - the optimum one, of course, being an extended carpet-bombing campaign - and perhaps our two heroes realised this when the dragon errupted and sent forth another wall of fire.

As the two hurled themselves out of the way, the dragon was spewing out more and more fire all around the cave. This wasn't really helping the cave's interior design, which, considering that it had a "Rocks 'n' Skulls" theme which had gone out of fashion several centuries earlier, wasn't exactly Casa du ShlupQuack to begin with. The fire was actually so hot that it was melting the floor, causing great rifts that billowed steam.

"I hate to be a Negative Nancy, old chap, but I fear our strategy isn't working!" said theundeadhero, glibly, as he dodged another one of the dragon's ominous belches. Rantzien was inclined to agree with theundeadhero.

"I'll distract it while you attempt to bring it down!" he replied to his friend. "Hey! Hey you! Got off the sofa lately, chubby?" he called up to the monster as it turned and glared at him. "Oh hey don't worry, your mother is a huge truck of flab too, so it's probably just genetic. You can't help it!" The dragon, unsurprisingly, wasn't entirely appreciative of Rantzien's remarks about its mother, and let out a howl of rage, and headed directly for Rantzien. "Oh, don't be upset about it. I'm sure you'll just eat the pain away."

theundeadhero was watching this scene with whimsical amusement. Rantzien's remarks were most unsporting, and yet were also rather amusing. However, he knew he had to sneak around to the back of the dragon and take it out. But what to kill it with? He didn't have any weapons? Or did he? He cast a furtive glance around the cave.

Rantzien knew he could not keep up such quality A-Grade insults for much longer. "Your face is like a pudgy bowl of slush!" he cried, as he nimbly leapt away from another assault from the dragon. Then theundeadhero drove up in his M1A2 Abrams Main Battle Tank and shot the dragon and it was dead.

"Hurray! Now let's rescue the princess" squealed Rantzien with excitement. "Hey baby, I'm Rantzien. I like slow walks on the beach, golfing umbrellas, and the colour taupe".

"Hello Rantzien. I am Princess Melissaur" said Princess Melissaur, who was a Princess named Melissaur.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, miss. I am theundeadhero" said theundeadhero, who was an undead hero named theundeadhero.

"Roaaaaar!" said the dragon, who wasn't actually dead.

"Look out!" yelled theundeadhero, and he hurled himself at the beast right as it was about to bring its jaws down upon Rantzien and Melissaur. "Never forget your adventure!" he called, as he and that awful, accursed dragon fell into a chasm caused by the dragon's fire, and were gone forever.

Huckleberry Quin
11-02-2009, 03:35 PM
theundeadhero = Kylie Minogue.

11-02-2009, 06:41 PM
My princess! :love:

11-02-2009, 06:45 PM
YAY! well not so yay I guess. Theundeadhero is gone forever! ;_;

11-02-2009, 08:43 PM

11-03-2009, 05:08 AM
Theundeadhero is gone forever! ;_;

Isn't that what everyone (who never read the books) thought about Gandalf?

11-03-2009, 03:53 PM
"I am so glad that you came to rescue m-" "QUIET, WOMAN!" barked Rantzien. "I will now sing songs!"

The nicest skeleton you could ever meet
He'd give cash to the homeless of the street
If they were aching, he'd massage your feet
And if you played your cards right, beat your meat

Handsome, kind, wonderful and fair
With his shining mane of bright golden hair
And he'd always forgive those who happened to stare
At what was underneath his underwear

In battle, as a hero, my comrade died
He didn't show fear, he never cried
Even when he nearly ended up fried
I hope that dragon gave him a nice ride

And so that was my friend, theundeadhero
Nobody could ever say that he was a zero
One day he even...traded...me a Fearow?
Doo doo da doo da, something something ero.

"That was terrible" said Melissaur. Rantzien considered eating her.

11-03-2009, 04:00 PM
How can something that is undead be dead? :screwy:

11-03-2009, 04:08 PM
It can't, technically. But if you destroy the body completely it is as good as dead!

11-03-2009, 04:12 PM
You dun see LITTLE MANUS dying no matter how I destroy his body, mind and soul. And he is not even undead! :monster:

11-03-2009, 04:34 PM
I WOULD NEVER INSULT RANTZIEN'S SINGING ABILITY! Well, maybe if it was in fact terrible I might give a hint to it.

11-04-2009, 04:37 PM
What a touching song :')

11-04-2009, 09:07 PM
I didn't even die glibly :(

11-05-2009, 12:46 AM
But you sacrificed yourself so the adventure could go on. A true undead hero!

11-05-2009, 03:11 PM
Oh no! A naughty word is afoot in today's adventure!

The ground shook under foot, and dust was flung into the air. Rantzien ignored it, and clutched his rifle. When the war had first begun, the explosions that rained down upon the city had gone right through him, chilling him to his very core. Now they were just part of the daily grind.

Rantzien was the leader of the Final Resistance, although in reality he was little more than a figurehead. The great hero Rantzien, fighting alongside all of us. A beacon of hope in these grim days. The earth trembled again. Two minutes.

Just three days ago he had made friends with a new recruit to the Resistance. An excitable young lad named Moon Rabbits. He was proud to serve, he had told Rantzien. It's an honour to meet you, sir. Three hours later he was lying in the dirt, screaming out for help, for his mother, for anyone. And nobody but Rantzien cared. He now looked down at his hands, the very same ones he had used to clasp Moon Rabbits' own while he had lied to him and told him that it was all going to be okay. One minute, twenty-one seconds. Fuck.

Colonel Old Manus was the de facto leader of the Resistance, although he, like everyone else, called Rantzien "sir". Rantzien was rather sick of that, but he never said anything. He didn't want to rock the boat. Manus was organising the recruits, telling them that when the rush began they had to keep moving. His greatcoat was meant to be black, but it almost looked white from all of the dust that clung to it.

Thirty seconds. Rantzien's stomach performed a backflip. Yes, he had been in battles before. But this was it. Armageddon. One way or another, the war would end today. Rantzien shut his eyes tightly. The ground shook again. How had it come to this?

He opened his eyes and was disappointed. This world hadn't gone away like he had hoped it would. Ten seconds. All of this, the war, the rise of P-Corporation, and Moon Rabbits' eyes that twinkled when he revealed that last secret, all of it had started with that day in the cave. Surely there must be some way to chan-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

11-05-2009, 03:20 PM


11-05-2009, 03:25 PM
This takes place thirty years after your comic. He really is an Old Manus!

Old Manus
11-05-2009, 04:16 PM

11-07-2009, 06:16 PM
"Come on Melissaur come on my horse!" neighed Rantzien.

"I do not know if I like this horse it's not the horse that I have ridden before. It could look unsettling to me."

"No no it is fine come on you girl!" and they got on Rantzien's horse and rode faster than the sun towards the west. The horse jumped over lots of fallen logs and also a river and a lake and they were making the good times too.

"Rantzien I've always wanted to love a man like you!" said Melissaur.

"Yes." groaned Rantzien. "You have haven't you!"

The horse was white and strong and the mane was like a thousand golden rainbows shimmering through an ablaze sunset sky of fiery mists.

"Stop it! Stop it Rantzien! It's Quin!" said Quin who was now there. "I am the man who set you on your quests!"

"Why is it to be stopped?" enquired Rantzien.

"You have done my bidding you have rescued the printsess I thank you but now you have been tricked by me I was manipulating you all along Rantzien".

"What" mewed Rantzien. He also farted.

"You are but one puppet and I am the man that is holding the strings to your puppet Rantzien. Your saga has ended and I am the boss now."

"But today is the day for my adventure!" whispered Rantzien. He was still on top of a horse.

"Now it is my adventure day! You will be sucked into this black hole!" and Quin made a black hole appear. Rantzien didn't like black holes and Melissaur sneezed with fright.

11-07-2009, 06:25 PM

11-07-2009, 06:30 PM

11-07-2009, 06:58 PM

Huckleberry Quin
11-07-2009, 10:59 PM
I'm always manipulating Rantzien into my black hole. :blush:

11-08-2009, 12:52 AM
If Rantzien farted and they were both still on the horse, does that mean he farted on Melissaur?

11-08-2009, 02:06 AM
Way to be gross Eric

Huckleberry Quin
11-08-2009, 02:12 AM
You're the one who likes getting farted on. ;)

11-08-2009, 04:19 AM
NO! As you see it made me sneeze! Which means I am allergic to Rantzien farts.

11-08-2009, 05:35 AM
This is ever so interesting. Next entry!

11-11-2009, 02:52 PM
"Wait wait wait" interrupted Rantzien. "How the hell can you create a black hole?"

"Through the power of rap, son. Check it." And lo, Quin did layeth down some phat beats.

My name's Quin Dawgg and I'm here today
To lay it straight on the line, okay?
I'm preachin' 'bout a faker
Aint nothin' but a taker

Rantzien goes around sayin' he's a hero,
For stopping krissy and beating Jiro
Back up bustah 'cause you just a zero

And look at this dirty filthy whore
With her weird-ass name, Melissaur
Trys to play like she a princess
Girl, you the product of incest

Y'all homies are just straight out whack
Gonna summon up a giant hole that's black.

Rantzien was taken aback. Nobody had ever served him before. Melissaur looked like she was about to cry, and Rantzien knew he had to do something. Aghast, the blood drained from his face. He couldn't go on...or could he? Those words...those words...!

Today's the day when I have my adventures
Step back, grandpa, or I'll knock out your dentures
Hey ladies, my name's MC Rantz
Just so you remember it when I'm in yo' pants
I'm a slam-talkin' Swede
Full of style and speed
Gonna send Quin's white ass back to France

Now Quin what are you doin', insultin' a lady?
I bet you never had a girlfriend you big fat baby
And please, that afro?
That's a no
It's gotta go
Fo' sho

You say you manipulate, like a master of puppets
Boy you couldn't even trick the muppets
Black hole? The only black holes round here
Are your mom's crotch, and the one in her rear


11-11-2009, 03:18 PM

Huckleberry Quin
11-11-2009, 05:07 PM
Damn foo', I was just be playin' dawg. :(

11-11-2009, 05:33 PM
Vikings can rap?

11-11-2009, 05:34 PM
Sure can, but if you think that's impressive, wait 'til you see the Huns and their mad beatboxin' skillz.

11-11-2009, 09:29 PM
A psychotic can write stories, what so strange about vikings that rap? :bigsmile:

11-12-2009, 01:36 AM
One day you'll learn a new word. A new word that rhymes with hero that isn't zero. I hope it's soon! :bigsmile:

11-12-2009, 02:03 AM
Jiro and Fearow are very context specific words. And I'm not entirely sure how I could work in Emperor Nero.

11-12-2009, 10:11 AM
Don't know how to rhyme, huh? :mad:

Huckleberry Quin
11-15-2009, 09:59 PM

11-15-2009, 10:38 PM
Rantzien and Melissaur rode out of there in a sweet ass monster truck that was totally tricked out I am talking like smoke machine and like a disco inferno man that is how tricked out it was. They drove and crushed many cars because the cars were all enemies in the way of progress.

So off they went to a fair and they won lots of prizes. For example, a giant lilac coloured teddy bear that had lice. Rantzien liked fairs! Then they went to win another prize it was a giant balloon one that you could maybe ride home in and they wanted to ride home so that's why they wanted that prize. The game was ran by, oh, I don't know, let's say, Christmas, and it was very fun and Rantzien won.

"Well I don't care if you won Rantzien you'll never get any sort of prize from me!" Christmas spat.

"Now see hear" responded Melissaur who had big muscles and a heart to match. "We want the prize Christmas! Reward us suitably!"

"Not today! Not any day! Get back to your holes, hole-dwelling tubs!"

Nobody likes to be called a hole-dwelling tub, least of all Rantzien and Melissaur.

"Madam you have pushed too many of my buttons" Princess Melissaur sang. "It's time to duel!"

The two clashed and "there were 10 steps, turn around and fire!" announced Rantzien. So they walked

"One two miss a few ninety-nine a hundred!" screamed Christmas, Christmas the cheat, who span and fired!

Melissaur is made of 100% composite titanium and so Christmas's lead slug bounced harmlessly away into the skull of lots of orphans. Knewing that she had been found out, Christmas had to escape in her own hot air balloon prize!

The duo of destruction gave chase, ostensibly using jet packs but I'm not ruling out the use of giant feathery wings, and into the skies they soared to be victorious!

"No! This is my balloon! Forever and 'til the ending of time!" snorted Christmas with a fury of a thousand knife.

"Ah well you see" said Rantzien, putting his sunglasses onto his face :cool: "Today is the day for my adventure".

11-15-2009, 10:43 PM
Madam you have pushed too many of my buttons" Princess Melissaur sang. "It's time to duel!"

Can a mod change the word "Madam" to "Miss" plz.

11-15-2009, 10:48 PM

11-15-2009, 10:55 PM

11-15-2009, 11:29 PM
xD This is the greatest story ever! I'm going to save it and read it to my baby.

11-16-2009, 06:31 AM
I'm going to save a baby and then read it.

11-16-2009, 12:18 PM
Paulikins you are my hero :aimkiss:

11-16-2009, 12:23 PM
Psychotic sux. How dare he address a young and innocent lady as "MADAM"?

11-16-2009, 01:19 PM
But surely one crime doesn't tarnish his brilliance?!?!

11-19-2009, 05:43 PM
Rantzien, Melissaur and Rye trudged through the snow to get to the Ice Queen's palace. It wasn't so much a palace as a rather large furnished house, but let's not get too bogged down in details.

"We must adventure forwards!" croaked Rantzien. "Our colleague is trapped within! Curse that Ice Queen for snatching poor MILFington!"

They had some tubular snowboards so they snowboarded in a gnarly fashion across the snow and there were ice trolls that were aggressive but that was alright because they just punched the ice trolls enough that they just fell over and disintegrated into iced cakes.

The snow swept down and it made everything cold and less bouncy and Rantzien ate some of the snow to make himself less cold but it didn't work. "Rantzien you're such a bone!" said Rye and Rantzien knew she was right. He was a bone.

Melissaur then spoke to some penguins (the penguins were eating fish and skiing and snorting) and they pointed the party of three in the right direction. This was lucky because if they had gone in the wrong direction they would've fallen off a cliff and at the bottom of the cliff were landmines and electrical fires.

They opened the door to the Ice Queen's palace to try to find MILF. The ice queen was busy kissing Old Manus because she loved Old Manus.

"HELLO RANTZIEN..." she said to Rantzien.




using old photos is such a hack thing to do :shobon:

11-19-2009, 05:47 PM

11-19-2009, 05:58 PM
oh yes I will battle that iceberry so hard! :shobon:

11-20-2009, 12:55 AM
Did Rye just suddenly dropped from the sky and appear in the story? :bigsmile:

Huckleberry Quin
11-20-2009, 12:59 AM
Seriously. Have you missed a bit? I'm confused. plz rite agin

11-20-2009, 01:31 AM
God that picture. How could you use it. Huh. How. Tell me. How dare you. I look awful in that.


11-20-2009, 04:12 PM
What are you guys talking about?

11-20-2009, 04:19 PM
Nvm, when do Rye appear anyway?

11-20-2009, 04:23 PM
Chapter 20. Duh. It says it right there! :roll2

11-21-2009, 12:24 AM


11-22-2009, 07:36 PM
As a disclaimer let me say my Sims are not coming back no no never :colbert: Also I'm not trying to cash in on what Shlup is doing in Gen Gaming, I've planned to have a Sims episode since I started this. Please don't mention this in her thread, I don't want to steal attention like a twat. thx!!!!

For those who don't know what this is, HERE YOU AWFUL MAN. (http://forums.eyesonff.com/general-archive/122587-eoff-sims-2-last-sim-standing-interactive-thread-o-woo-hoo.html)


Oh and this is Princess Melissaur she likes horses and fighting all of your enemies.

When we left, our trio of noble heroes were trying to rescue Huxley from the Ice Queen. Let's see how that's going!


"Hello I am the evil Ice Queen scrumpleberry I am eating this food and soon your souls will be my ice so you'd better stop what you are listening to!"


"Mmmm princess you have nice breast I think I want to make them my own"


"Ooohhh nom nom what lovely globes I think so!"


"The smurf?"


"Hey if you touch my boobie top too I return to you from the inner santcum your friend"
"No you're my sister that's gross"


"Give him back you are just water that is cold!" groaned Rye as she slapped the slapper.




"Now I will only give him back if you beat me at the noble art of Armpit Darts Rantzien!"


"You must score a bullseye with my armpit in your face! And I have the smell of ten thousand sumo!"




"Glory to adventure! I am the world's hero!"


"Now you will give to us Huxley" said DJ Princess Melissaur, who was a DJ and also a Princess.


"ok I left him to play Xbox" said scrumpleberry who apparently harboured disturbing feelings towards her younger brother.


"Yes! I am best Xbox man in the universe!"


"Time to tell the internet that I am best Xbox man in the universe!"







His funeral was so sad.


Ice Queen scrumpleberry produced tears, feeling guilty at the death of MILF.


Then they all danced and everybody was verey happy!!!



11-22-2009, 08:33 PM
xD ROFL! I'm loving this story more and more!! PS thanks for making me so pretty <3

11-22-2009, 08:41 PM
xDD this is perfect

11-22-2009, 08:46 PM
God i want that dress for ts3 so much :(

Huckleberry Quin
11-23-2009, 01:11 AM
I was going to say that scrumps looks like Bella Swan in the "the fuck?" picture. Then I laughed because Rantz has changed his sig to an Edward sig. Oh ho ho ho.

11-29-2009, 11:06 AM
I like how Hux appeared randomly and died randomly. :bigsmile:

I Took the Red Pill
11-29-2009, 09:09 PM

11-29-2009, 09:42 PM
Rye said "My tears rain down like a thousand sorrows. I cannot bide by this pain that haunts my soul." Rantzien looked at her and could see she was possessed by essences of true sadness. She was a cold statue, and hollow inside. His soul wept for her. His eyes welled up as he shared her pain. "I must leave you. I am but a wanderer now" and she was gone, her destiny no longer part of this world.

Melissaur threw a custard pie and it hit Rantzien in the face. The pain and humiliation was almost too much for him to bear. He felt like he would bursts. He wanted to crawl away into a lonely forest and be forgotten forever.

"Rantzien, darlin'" she said, her face fierce "we've had a real hootin' hollerin' time, with this adventuring lark. But now I would like to settle down." His face was blank. Wha...what did she mean? They had only been adventuring for a day. It had been a disturbingly long day, yes, but "I want to go back home to my father's castle. We can be married and one day rule all of Hyrule".

Rantzien didn't know what to do. It was in his soul, like a river that flowed majestically through the most regal of mountains, to seek adventure. But Melissaur, he loved this spunky princess with a can-do attitude that he had rescued from a troll or an ogre or a dragon or something a few hours previously. What a heart-rending dilemma. What a pickle!


She had gone. Rantzien had sat by the lake, throwing round pebbles into its velvet nylon surface, watching as ripples formed and faded just like all of the people he had met in his life. They had all left him. He didn't want to live anymore....he would become....A VAMPIRE! The restful slumber of death eternal! A creature of the night he would become! Oh!

The problem was that Rantzien wasn't especially sure how he could become a vampire, so he placed an advertisement on craigslist. Through it, he met ShlupQuack, who offered him tablets. "Take these twice a day" she said "And into the vampyr you will turneth".

Rantzien hadn't turned into a vampire, but he did feel as though his blood pressure had gone down, so it wasn't a total waste.

11-30-2009, 12:12 AM
;_; I would never leave Rantzien! What a stupid decisions! How could I!?

Huckleberry Quin
11-30-2009, 03:30 PM
It serves him right for out-rapping me.

11-30-2009, 08:09 PM
;_; I would never leave Rantzien! What a stupid decisions! How could I!?

Lies! I just read that you did, so it must be true! :colbert:

11-30-2009, 08:13 PM

11-30-2009, 08:34 PM
Psy wouldn't lie to us. :colbert:

12-02-2009, 10:09 AM
Shlup you dealer. :colbert:

12-07-2009, 06:59 PM
... wow after what just happened, I'm not really liking this story ;_; Psy I blame you!

12-07-2009, 08:29 PM
Rantzien's sleep was troubled. It was haunted by memories of many angry fish that had once tried to bite him using their sharp tooth. He shuddered as he awoke. What a dream! The ground shook and the sky was blue but not the good blue it was a strange blue that Rantzien did not approve of in the slightest.

Gingerly he got to his feet. Something felt not correct. But what? What could it be? Well. Only one way to uncover the secrets. An adventure! Yes! Back to basics! This what Rantzien would do and he would be ready to set the world to rights.

"TODAY IS THE DAY FOR MY ADVENTURE!" a call which echoed throughout the time and the dawn.

Rantzien ran as fast as he could. He ran faster than cars and also planes. Then a tree was in his way so Rantzien fought with the tree, punching it many times until it was stricken from the record. Nothing could halt Rantzien's march to destiny to halt the fading of all the world. He spat on the tree to teach it some respect for Rantzien.

Or so he thought.


Oh no!

Oh no oh no!

The answer to many questions was answered! For Flying Mullet had come!

12-07-2009, 08:56 PM

12-08-2009, 11:56 AM
How long did he sleep for? Because surely he didn't sleep away the rest of his day of adventure!

12-08-2009, 08:18 PM

Rantzien slammed into the fuzzy abdomen of the Flying Mullet, flinging the two to the ground and they bounced several times. Flying Mullet responded by scooping Rantzien into the dirt and attempting to push through him.

Rantzien, using his elbow as a scorpion, drove Flying Mullet counterclockwise into a small grass. Flying Mullet had been expecting this and twisted back onto his bulging feet, ready for more combat.

"We meet again, Flying Mullet!" screeched Rantzien.
"I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU BACK IN PHUKET!" snarled Flying Mullet as he flipped Rantzien.
"Heh. Phuket. That almost sounds like "Fuck it." remarked Rantzien whimsically.
"No it doesn't, you are not the clever one you seem to think!" announced Flying Mullet with vigour.

Flying Mullet pounced forwards, bringing his knee into Rantzien's cavity, and Rantzien was stunned by this remarkable effort by the elder. Yet, he was not down and out, for he quickly squirmed into an advantageous position, clutching a clump of Mullet's auburn facial fur between his squashy fingers.

"I will stop your ending of the universe once and for all!" giggled Rantzien, his face contorted with glee.
"You think this is my doing? You are but a fool, Rantzien, you are but a fool!" belched Flying Mullet as he ducked under a Rantzien shoulder barrage.
"What! Oh no!" squealed Rantzien.

A crunching ear bite by Flying Mullet had Rantzien on the back foot. He knew this could possibly be the end and this wasn't even Flying Mullet's doing - he had said it wasn't him, after all!

Suddenly a laser SMASHED Flying Mullet and sent him careering off into Midnight Peak, a mountain where people who are not very skilled at things live.

"Mist me, Rantzien?" said theundeadhero, holding a laser in his bony hands.
How long did he sleep for? Because surely he didn't sleep away the rest of his day of adventure!Seventeen seconds.

12-08-2009, 08:22 PM
THEUNDEADHERO! *gasps* But how?

12-08-2009, 08:28 PM

12-08-2009, 08:34 PM
Rantzien... I really don't like your sig! He's not even sparkling.

12-08-2009, 08:56 PM
No wonder you left him.

12-08-2009, 10:08 PM
I still blame you!

12-08-2009, 10:15 PM
Oh I only did that so I could claim you for myself. That Sim was damned hot.

12-08-2009, 11:46 PM
"Mist me, Rantzien?" said theundeadhero, holding a laser in his bony hands.

I KNEW IT! :bigsmile: EEEEEEEEE! :hyper:


Theundeadhero is gone forever! ;_;

Isn't that what everyone (who never read the books) thought about Gandalf?

12-10-2009, 04:51 PM
Rantzien threw this


At him. And theundeadhero took a refreshing sip of the beverage, quenching his thirst. This is, of course, ridiculous, as he was a zombie skeleton sort of thing.

"But you fell!" said Rantzien, disbelieving.
"Through fire...and water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth. Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside." theundeadhero explained and Rantzien gasped appreciatively.
"I'm so glad you're alright!" exclaimed Rantzien as he rushed forward to embrace his old comrade. His old comrade was very prickly and was causing several cuts to appear on his face. "Heeeey, when did you become a cactus?" asked Rantzien, as he fell into the ground. Which somehow...melted? What was going on?!

He fell and he fell. Colours, patterns, swirls. The Beatles were there too but Rantzien wasn't sure why. And then he woke up in a puddle of frothing milk and his hair was now jade green also he had three ears. In fact, one of the ears appeared to be talking. "THIS IS NOT SO GOOD" it kept saying, and Rantzien was inclined to agree.

Rantzien backflipped over a nearby wall to see what had happened. "Oh gondolas and salad bowls!" he exclaimed...Reality was being TORN APART! The ending of the Earth and the Galaxy and possibly even the end of Rantzien too!


but why?


12-10-2009, 05:13 PM
Talking ears are the first sign of the apocalypse, no? :(

12-11-2009, 02:50 AM
Oh shi-

Huckleberry Quin
12-14-2009, 02:13 PM
Loony BoB should have punched Levian HARDER in the face. :mad2:

12-17-2009, 12:04 PM
"Through fire...and water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth. Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside." theundeadhero explained and Rantzien gasped appreciatively.

You guys ever see that Family Guy episode where Barry Manilow uses Quagmire's name in a song and Quagmire melts like buttah? I just did that. :jess:

Is now good for an "I told you so" parade?

12-29-2009, 05:10 PM
Firstly, thank you for the Best Writer Ciddie. :) And secondly, sorry for taking so long with this ending but when you view the length, you can probably see why. Been working on this for days.

I will be surprised if anybody reads all of it but hey, I had fun writing it! A big kiss to you if you do. :kiss:

Finally, it will help if you put this: YouTube - Pirates of the Caribbean Theme Song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LZcMv0H1bI) on repeat while reading this. I did while writing it, anyway! :shobon:

"You!" spat Rantzien haughtily. "Why have you performed these deeds?"
"Ah ha Rantzien it is I Levian!" moaned Levian.
"OF COURSE!" whispered Rantzien as he grabbed his tempered steel falchion, waving it aggressively at Levian.
"TIME FOR YOU TO SUFFER INORDINATELY!" wailed Levian, clutching his black iron scimitar with his gnarled fingers, preparing for the duel ahead.
"Incorrect." bellowed Rantzien with an air of victory.
"How so?" queried the Levian.
"Today is the day for my adventure!" and it begun.

Rantzien swung his sword viciously towards Levian who quickly rolled to the side to avoid the deadly blows. He nimbly leapt to his feet and began an assault of his own, aiming strikes directly at Rantzien's bulbous skull. Rantzien was caught temporarily off guard by this, and one of Levian's aimed slashes brushed the side of Rantzien's cheek, causing blood to seep out of a newly-formed cut.

Rantzien quickly regained himself and set his trust sword on fire, and his orange firebrand danced and twisted as he charged forwards once more. Levian was up to it and parryed all of his Swedish opponent's thrusts away, although his sword was under heavy strain from the heavenly inferno that spewed forth from Rantzien's blade, and so he sought to increase the distance between himself and his foe.

They rushed once more and the swords sort of exploded into little fragments or something I guess? It was pretty cool!

Rantzien rushed up a hill and Levian followed him eagerly, and the two fought and beat each other. Levian tripped Rantzien into the ground, but as he approached his fallen opponent, Rantzien lept up again, driving his shoulder into the shorter man's stomach, and the two rolled down the hill.


At the bottom of the hill was a castle, and Levian, his clothes ripped and torn from the undignified descent from the hill, sensed that he could find another weapon in there, and surely his unarmed adversary would then be finished. He sprinted across the drawbridge into the gatehouse, and Rantzien, realising the villain's intentions, followed in hot pursuit. Levian jumped up on top of a hay cart and swung on a beam that jutted out of it, neatly landing on top of the castle's outer wall. Rantzien followed suit, scrambling up some nearby vines to reach his goal.

Levian could not outrun his foe forever, and turned to fight him once more, bringing his fist into Rantzien's unguarded jaw. Rantzien was temporarily stunned, but regained his senses enough to swing a foot out at Levian's ungarded shins, sweeping him to the floor. As he went to pin his fallen opponent and finish the job, Levian returned the favour and swept Rantzien's feet out from under him, and this time the Swede was sent crashing down off the curtain wall.

"You baboon man!" called Levian, mockingly, as he hurtled towards the main keep of the castle where the armoury surely was.
"Go slice your mother's furnishings!" growled Rantzien in retort, although he knew words were all he could do. If Levian reached the armoury first he was in an almighty amount of trouble.

Rantzien kicked the door to the armoury in, and quickly glanced around, looking for something - anything - to arm himself with against this Norwegian menace. And then he saw him. Levian was clutching an almighty gold battle axe, menacing with spikes of diorite and decorated with hanging rings of goblin bone, and upon his face was a truly evil and sadistic grin.

"Today is the day your adventure dies, Rantzien!" he spewed. Rantzien was more than well aware of the fact that he could not hope to win this fight, and he darted towards the stairs that curved upwards towards the roof. Levian was cackling maniacally as he gave chase, and Rantzien could hear him swinging his titanic axe right at his heels. He had now arrived on the roof and ran towards the edge, not really knowing where else he could go.


"No running for you now, Rantzien! You are as trapped as a fly!" taunted Levian, and Rantzien could see no way out. This was a most dire situation! Levian came at him with his axe, seeking to strike the final strike of this most epic of duels, but Rantzien reached forwards and grabbed the handle of the weapon, and the blade was stopped mere centimetres above his hairy head. The two struggled, with Levian pushing downwards with all of his might, and Rantzien pushing upwards with all of his. Suddenly the two both tried pushing to the side simultaneously, and the axe crashed into the castle's roof with a Herculean force, causing the section on which the two men were standing to crumble, and the two tumbled off the roof.

The two punched and kicked at each other as they fell, desperate to gain any sort of advantage when they landed, and as they were so close together, they both ended up falling down the castle well, still lashing out at each other as they plummeted further into the shaft.

Both were pleasantly surprised by a soft landing, however, they were unpleasantly surprised when they discovered what it was - they had landed in the castle sewers!

"Blech! This is your father's dwellings, you pastry chef!" gasped Levian with disgust.
"No! This is your grandmother's surprise closet, you fart-belching yew tree!" retched Rantzien in return, and the two resumed hostilities, each seeking to permanently take the other man out of the fray.

Levian aimed a somersault kick which caught Rantzien on the nose, and the younger man's response was to scratch Levian's eyes with his superbly kept finger nails. Levian, now seeing blood, wanted to return the favour, and he scooped up a handful of waste and flung it at Rantzien's face, both blinding and disgusting the poor fellow.

Enraged, Rantzien grabbed Levian by his brown silky hair and slammed his head into the filth-encrusted rock wall of the sewer. Levian was seeing stars and was surely defeated, as Rantzien thrust his fist firmly into his stomach. Levian collapsed and tumbled into the stream of sewage that was steadily flowing away. Rantzien knew this enemy was not yet defeated, and to let him go now would be churlish, and so he ran alongside the stream that now engulfed Levian.


Rantzien could see no sign yet of Levian surfacing, and wondered if the unfortunate wretch may drown in sewage, a truly vile fate. However, he also observed that the flow was heading under a sluice gate, and he had no way to follow it on foot. There was nothing for it - he would have to dive into the disgusting tide of excretion and swim for it. He held his breath, thought of dear theundeadhero, and launched himself into it.

The smell was intoxicating and poor Rantzien could not even think clearly because of how overpowering the stench was. When he came to, he could see he and Levian were in a river into which the sewage was poured. The water would've been repulsive to you or I, but compared to what the two had just travelled in, it was beautiful and crystal pure. The river was flowing even faster than the sewage, and attempts to swim against it were futile. Levian had come around now too, and he kept trying to swim towards Rantzien and swing a fist or foot at him before the current dragged him away. Rantzien was trying the exact thing, knowing that he had to neutralise his foe.

Rantzien realised he could taste salt...not as bad as raw human waste, but still sickening. He then knew that he and Levian had now been swept out to sea...dolphins! Playful dolphins had come! He quickly clambered on top of one of the friendly mammals and rode it as a steed, as is the fashion in Scandinavia. Of course, his rival was a Scandinavian too, and he had the same plan as Rantzien. The two rode their dolphins side by side, guiding their mounts into the other's, desperate to unseat the riders. The two dolphins crashed into each other repeatedly, and the humans were thrown about like ragdolls, but still managed to hold firm.


"You should never have left me to die in Trondheim, Rantzien!" mewed Levian without a hint of remorse.
"I've never been to Trondheim!" sang Rantzien merrily.

The two dolphins struck again and again, and the riders also swung their fists at each other as the two great beasts of the sea collided. Suddenly, both the Cid's Knights were bucked right off their mighty steeds, and send headfirst into some sand - they had beached themselves on a tropical island!

Levian quickly scooped up a fistful of sand and slung it into Rantzien's face, much as he had with that pile of excrement. Rantzien was well prepared this time, though, and had shielded his handsome face with his dainty hand. Levian wasn't finished yet, and this time grabbed a large crab, which he also hurled at poor Rantzien. His hand could not block such a menace as an annoyed crustacean, and it nipped at his arm with its great claws. He ripped the crab from his arm, tearing out a chunk of his flesh in the process, and charged at Levian, knocking him clean over with a brutal kick that was aimed at his ribs.


Rantzien knew his bare fists would not be enough to end the life as one so strong as Levian, and his eyes rapidly scanned the surroundings for something - anything - he could use as a tool. And then he remembered - coconuts! Why, a coconut falling onto his head could kill a man! He nimbly sprang up a nearby palm tree, but Levian knew what Rantzien's aim was, and moved to intercept him. Then, of course, because this is a cartoon, the palm tree bent snapped back, launching the two like a catapult, right into the jungle!

"Look up there, Rantzien!" yelled Levian as the two regained consciousness. He was pointing to a fiery mountain. "That is where your doom will be decided!"
"No! This is where your doom will be derided!" hummed Rantzien, pointing to his fist, which he promptly inserted into Levian's eye socket.


The two grappled and brawled underneath the humid canopy of the jungle. Levian snatched a python that was slithering on a nearby branch and wrapped it around Rantzien's neck, choking him.
"YOUR....ADVENTURE...ENDS....HEAR!!!!" strained Levian, as Rantzien spluttered and gasped. He knew his time had come...or HAD it? He swung his fist upwards right into the python that Levian was using to garot him, and it exploded in a shower of snake guts and ice cream. "UNPOSSIBLE!" sobbed Levian, who took off towards the volcano.
"Come back, you ruffian!" appealed Rantzien, who chased him towards the end of all things.

"Welcome to your dying hour, Rantzien!" crooned Levian from deep within his volcano lair. Rantzien could see that Levian had captured beautiful and fair Princess Melissaur and was dangling her over the frothing lava beneath!
"What are your intentions, you jigsaw puzzle without a piece?" burbled Rantzien.
"Well, Princess Melissaur is a descendand of the Ice Queen. Dropping her into this lava will lower its temperature substantially, causing it to harden to rock. When it cools and hardens, it will naturally expand, and this expansion will cause the very volcano to shatter all around us. As we are on a small island, all of the pieces of the volcano will go directly into the sea with such a force that will cause a great Tsunami that will destroy the Earth itself!" suggested Levian, breathlessly.


"But now, experience ULTIMATE POWER!" groaned Levian and he used demonic powers to shoot fireballs and lightning at Rantzien, sending an incredible shudder all around the volcano! Rantzien knew what to do. He pulled out the gun he had kept in his pants the entire time and shot Levian and Levian died and his plans were foiled.

"Oh Rantzien, my herro!" simpered Princess Melissaur, who gave him a huge kiss!
"Yes" implied Rantzien. "Now I am tired and I will go to bed. It has been a very long day. A very long day of adventure."


Rantzien awoke one morning and he was in his bed. "Today is the day to do my quest" yelped Rantzien. He is Swedish and a man. He got out of bed and make a breakfast and the breakfast was for him and had many eggs in it.



Aerith's Knight
12-29-2009, 06:26 PM
Best. Story. Ever.

12-29-2009, 06:45 PM
An epic ending to an epic story. I relished every minute of reading it.

12-29-2009, 07:28 PM
*claps* I don't like it so much. Why? Because it ended! When is the next one coming out!?

Aerith's Knight
12-29-2009, 11:30 PM
I wonder who will be the hero in the next one. :)

01-17-2010, 06:22 PM

08-06-2010, 03:31 AM
On topic: Someone buy this shirt for me.