PDA

View Full Version : Cake or Death?



Badge
12-17-2009, 07:07 PM
What are your favourite lines/jokes from comedians and the like?

“Cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.
"Cake or death?"
"Eh, cake please."
"Very well! Give him cake!"
"Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice."
"You! Cake or death?"
"Uh, cake for me, too, please."
"Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?"
"Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..."
"You said death first, uh-uh, death first!"
"Well, I meant cake!"
"Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or death?"

WIN....

Old Manus
12-17-2009, 07:16 PM
...I guess I had to be there

Badge
12-17-2009, 08:03 PM
Not an Eddie Izzard fan? *face palm*

Croyles
12-17-2009, 11:08 PM
Thats one of eddie izzards best shows, but yeah, you had to watch it yourself.

Sephex
12-17-2009, 11:10 PM
Do you have a flag?

Jiro
12-18-2009, 12:09 AM
You know this is the second time I've read that joke and it still isn't really funny without having seen it performed :(

scrumpleberry
12-18-2009, 12:11 AM
Yeah writing it out killed it rather a lot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNjcuZ-LiSY). Let's just put links to performances?

Cuchulainn
12-18-2009, 12:45 AM
Eddie's jokes arent funny unless it's Eddie saying it.

Laddy
12-18-2009, 03:47 AM
The only thing Greece has that Turkey doesn't is good neighbors.

Unbreakable Will
12-18-2009, 06:35 AM
the cake is a lie...
:shifty:
had to

blackmage_nuke
12-18-2009, 06:56 AM
"I think they named oranges before they named carrots.
What are these?
Theyre orange, we'll call them oranges.
What about those?
...oh crap... long pointies?"

YouTube - Demitri Martin (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoCRmfJP9kU)

Wolf Kanno
12-18-2009, 08:04 AM
If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. ;)

NeoCracker
12-18-2009, 08:23 AM
Note: This is Patton Oswalt, so it's pretty vulgar. :p

YouTube - Patton Oswalt: Death Bed (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01l1WIC9mBo&feature=fvst)

Moon Rabbits
12-18-2009, 09:54 AM
Anything that Mitch (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2491LucLa1g) or George (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Nrp7cj_tM) said. Uh, that's George Carlin so uhhh no young ears should hear that. Especially if they once watched Thomas the Tank Engine for all their hopes and dreams will be shattered.

Oh oh oh, and obligatory RIP Mitch Hedberg and George Carlin~~~

Blue Harvest
12-18-2009, 09:40 PM
Anything from Jeff Dunham.

NorthernChaosGod
12-19-2009, 11:08 AM
"I think they named oranges before they named carrots.
What are these?
Theyre orange, we'll call them oranges.
What about those?
...oh crap... long pointies?"

YouTube - Demitri Martin (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoCRmfJP9kU)


If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. ;)


Anything that Mitch (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2491LucLa1g) or George (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Nrp7cj_tM) said. Uh, that's George Carlin so uhhh no young ears should hear that. Especially if they once watched Thomas the Tank Engine for all their hopes and dreams will be shattered.

Oh oh oh, and obligatory RIP Mitch Hedberg and George Carlin~~~

These posts get my approval.

Rantz
12-19-2009, 01:23 PM
Most stand-up comedians needs to be seen rather than quoted. Some work either way, although watching them is almost always preferable. Mitch Hedberg is very quote-worthy, as is Jim Gaffigan:

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

Loony BoB
12-19-2009, 04:27 PM
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

There has been a lot of talk about genetic engineering. I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies. Only, I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.

Raistlin
12-19-2009, 05:27 PM
Anything that Mitch (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2491LucLa1g) or George (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Nrp7cj_tM) said. Uh, that's George Carlin so uhhh no young ears should hear that.

I heartily approve. George Carlin was amazing.

Badge
12-19-2009, 09:59 PM
Was just listening to George Carlin on the train home. Full of win.

Fuzakeru
12-19-2009, 10:22 PM
George Carlin is great. I like Jim Gaffigan too. Here is some Jim Gaffigan cake jokes because it is totally relevant to cake. Mmm. Cake. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o-u4IwXkbE)

I highly disagree with his pie statments. D: Pie is better than cake.

Croyles
12-19-2009, 10:38 PM
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you fell on your face!! - Jimmy Carr

:)

Meat Puppet
12-19-2009, 11:10 PM
“You’re fat; shouldn’t you know how much a fridge costs?!”

Oh wait, did you want funny comedians? It’s more because I’m repulsed by it... like a car crash.