The Orange Head

[Raistlin]

It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.

"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"

So the man told his story.

"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up -- I asked for an orange for a head."

[Shlup]

This is why nobody likes you.

[Psychotic]

Raistlin walks into a bar; I whip out my schlong and piss all over him because he is a colossal failure.

[Raistlin]

Here's one for you, Shluppers:

What do Ethiopians do at night?
Starve.

More:

What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A pilot.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

EDIT: Anti-jokes surpass puns for the highest form of humor. (http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/cytlz/reddit_whats_your_favourite_antijoke/?limit=500)

[Psychotic]

Oh to be fair I like anti jokes, but I also like throwing insults at you for no apparent reason. I had to choose between my likes and the second one won. You twatbagel.

[I Took the Red Pill]

There are these two guys, best of friends, and they decide to go on a hunting trip. They drive out, set up camp, and being to look for moose in the forest. After hours and hours with no luck, one hunter says to the other "Alright this really isn't working, we're gonna have to split up to help out our odds."

They split up, and after awhile, one of the hunters hears a rustling in the bushes. The second hunter jumps out of the bushes screaming, "I'm not a moose!"
The first hunter raises his rifle, aims, and shoots his partner square in the stomach.
The second hunter, in pain from his bullet wound is bewildered: "Why did you shoot me?" he gargled. "I told you I wasn't a moose!"
He says, "Ohhh, I thought you said you were a moose!"

[Raistlin]

Oh to be fair I like anti jokes, but I also like throwing insults at you for no apparent reason. I had to choose between my likes and the second one won. You twatbagel.

Actually they both won; your insult took the form of an anti-joke and so was entirely appropriate. You donkeyfucker (I know, I should stop calling BoB a donkey...).

[Peegee]

A sailor on his last dollar begs a brothel for a freebee...

A man and a woman are stuck on an island. They decide to have rampant sex...

3 men are kidnapped by an ancient tribe. The tribe leader asks them to choose between...

3 men are lost in a forest. Several days later, starving, they find a cabin. One man volunteers to go inside when he finds....


I cannot go further in any of these jokes without being outright banned. I don't know any clean jokes.

[Raistlin]

Those aren't anti-jokes; they are anti-anti-jokes (aka "jokes") and are intellectually inferior.

EDIT: What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

[Christmas]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Their names, if you know them. If not just say "excuse me"

why cant stevie wonder and ray charles read?
because they are blind


Why was the little girl screaming?
Because she was getting raped by a paedophile.

What do you get when you cross a muffin with chocolate chips?
A chocolate chip muffin.

What did the little boy with no arms or legs get for xmas?
Cancer.

Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains!
Thats the least of your problems. You've got AIDS.

What did batman say to robin to get him in the batmobile?
"Get in the batmobile"

Knock Knock
Come in.

Yo mama is so fat she has to wear large clothes.

What do you call, when a baby has forks in it's eyes?
911.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It shouldn't take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.

What's the difference between George W Bush and a doorknob?
George W Bush is the president of the United States. A doorknob is a mechanical device that securely closes a hinged door, thereby keeping your family safe from danger.

How do you get 500 midgets into a Volkswagon?
You have to manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accomidate 500 midgets. It wouldn't be street-legal, but at least the problem of getting 500 midgets into a Volkswagon is solved.

Yo Mama's so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
It wasn't on purpose. Through the course of natural friction, his keys wore through the innards of the pockets. Being bald, on top of this, is inconsequential.

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest
__________________

Why was Mary upset?
She was involed in a severe car accident which resulted in the loss of both her legs and 3 fingers from her right hand. Her mum was also killed.

Why does Brian Peppers molest children?


Because he can.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the 2nd chicken cross the road?
Same reason as the first one did.

Why did the 3rd chicken cross the road?
It was following the other two.

What did the mother give her child for his christmas?
A flower on his tombstone because his cancer was in partial remission, but later came back and slowly killed him.

Why did the girlscout start crying after she spilled all her cookies?
Because her father beats her mother and calls her a whore every night in a drunken rage.

Yo Mama's so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.


Why did a doctor prescribe a low carb diet to reduce a patient's risk of heart disease?

Because he didn't look at the Mayo Clinic's results stating that trans fats or large amounts of saturated fat are what mainly cause heart disease/heart attacks due to clogged arteries.

3 guys go to hip hop club and notice they cant dance or keep with the rythm much. What race were these outsiders?

The race is really insignificant. The fact that they went to a hip hop club without being able to move with rythm was really the sad part. Not to mention the fact that they were jumped and robbed afterwards.

Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
A: Because she had no arms.

------

Q: How are a plum and a rabbit alike?
A: They're both purple, except for the rabbit.

------

Q: What did Helen Keller name her dog?
A: Oggkhknmfdsnkmnfdjznfj.

------

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One holds groceries, the other molests children.

------

Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A: One is an edible substance and the other is a person who believes in Judaism.

------

Q: What did the robot say to the child?
A: Nothing, he malfunctioned and strangled him. Despite the authorities best efforts to free the kid, he was still strangled because robots are really strong. After killing the boy, the robot self destructed and leveled 5 city blocks everyone within the vicinity was killed.

------

Q: Why did the paramedic refuse to save the dying child?
A: Because he was off-duty!

------

Your mother is so fat that her doctor recommended that she exercise regularly and eat foods with nutritional value.

------

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

------

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
A: She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

------

There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

------

Q: What's grosser than 10 dead babies in 1 trash can?
A: Having your skin peeled off slowly.

------

Q: Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?
A: Santa's boner reminded him of his pedophile father.

------

So a priest, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson walk into a bar. They then proceed to molest small children.

------

A little boy is going to school when he is stopped by a stranger.

The stranger tells the little boy, when his teacher asks him why he is late, just say Willytop.

The boy looks at the stranger oddly, but proceeds to go to school.

He arrives 5 minutes late, and is teacher isn't that happy. His teacher asks him why he is late. All the boy says is Willytop. The teacher looks at him horrified, and sends him to the office.

Well, the boy arrives in the principals office, and the principal asks him why he was sent down. All the boy said was Willytop. [Yes sudden change to past tense; I didn't write this!] The Principal was so horrified that he expelled the boy from school.

Well, the boy went home to find his parents in the living room. They told the boy they knew he was expelled, but they wanted to know why. All the boy said was Willytop. The parents were so horrified by this that they kicked him out of the house.

Well, the boy is now walking to dark town streets, when he is stopped by a cop. The cop asks him why he is walking the streets alone. All the boy says is Willytop. The cop is so disgusted, that he kicks the boy out of town.

Well, the boy is now sitting in a bar, and the bartender asks him why he is alone. All the boy said was Willytop. The bartender looked at him horrified, but before the bartender could say anything, the boy says "Please sir, I was kicked out of school, my house and even my hometown because of Willytop. What does it mean sir?" The bartender nods, and tells the boy to come with him across the street, because if he tells him in the bar, the other people may get mad.

Well, the boy and the bartender are across the street from the bar. The bartender opens his mouth, but before he could speak, a drunk driver hits them both.


Anti-Joke jokes

* Ghandi Poppins

Ghandi used to walk everywhere bare-foot, so his feet became painfully rough. He also had a very simple diet, which left him thin and frail, and with bad breath. All of which made him a super-callouse

* Don't play with your food

Q: What's the difference between a zombie baby and vegetables? A: I don't eat my vegetables

* What do you call an elephant...

Q: What do you call an elephant between two buildings? A: Stuck

* Yet Another Knock Knock Joke

Knock knock You dumb ass, I�m the one standing outside Who�s there? Ah, forget it.

* Dream on

Yo mama so old, she has dreams in black and white.

* Chew on this

Yo mama is so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and said, "Hey where's my gumball?"

* Yo mama just gets dumber...

Yo mama so dumb, she wrote anti-anti-jokes to be extra funny and still made terrible jokes.

* A snail owned a car...

A snail owned a car and was painting a big letter 'S' on it. His friend the turtle saw him and asked why and the snail replied, "When people see me drive by they can, 'Say look at the S-car-go".

* Fish Brains

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall? A: Dam

* Blue's Clues

Q: What did the blueberry say to the blueberry? A: You're a blueberry.


Anti-Joke jokes

* What do you call an elephant...

Q: What do you call an elephant between two buildings? A: Stuck

* With Andy Rooney

Yo mama so stupid, it took her two hours to watch '60 minutes.'

* A snail owned a car...

A snail owned a car and was painting a big letter 'S' on it. His friend the turtle saw him and asked why and the snail replied, "When people see me drive by they can, 'Say look at the S-car-go".

* This is a poor joke

Yo mama is so poor she can't even pay attention.

* That's Cheesy

Q: Why did the mouse go to the party? A: He heard they were playing Parcheesi!

* Yet Another Knock Knock Joke

Knock knock You dumb ass, I�m the one standing outside Who�s there? Ah, forget it.

* Dream on

Yo mama so old, she has dreams in black and white.

* Chew on this

Yo mama is so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and said, "Hey where's my gumball?"

* The corporate ladder

A blonde sat at the bar when the bartender's son swaggers in. When he tells his father of his promotion and raise, the bartender calls for everyone's attention and announces that all drinks are on the…

* Yum!

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy falls over? A: doughnuts


Anti-Joke jokes

* Where's Ice Cube, Eve, and Cedric?

Q: Where did the sheep get its haircut? A: The ba-ba shop

* Talking in Numbers

Q: Why is six afraid of seven? A: Because seven ate nine.

* What do you call an elephant...

Q: What do you call an elephant between two buildings? A: Stuck

* A snail owned a car...

A snail owned a car and was painting a big letter 'S' on it. His friend the turtle saw him and asked why and the snail replied, "When people see me drive by they can, 'Say look at the S-car-go".

* Yet Another Knock Knock Joke

Knock knock You dumb ass, I�m the one standing outside Who�s there? Ah, forget it.

* Yo mama just gets dumber...

Yo mama so dumb, she wrote anti-anti-jokes to be extra funny and still made terrible jokes.

* Don't play with your food

Q: What's the difference between a zombie baby and vegetables? A: I don't eat my vegetables

* Blue's Clues

Q: What did the blueberry say to the blueberry? A: You're a blueberry.

* A Perfect Circle

Q: What did the farmer use to make crop circles? A: A Protractor

* This joke is toast

Q: What does a slice of toast wear to bed? A: Jammies


Anti-Joke jokes

* Gangs of New York Part II

Yo mama so dirty when I walked in her house the rats jumped me and the ants stole my wallet.

* Chew on this

Yo mama is so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and said, "Hey where's my gumball?"

* Dream on

Yo mama so old, she has dreams in black and white.

* Yo mama just gets dumber...

Yo mama so dumb, she wrote anti-anti-jokes to be extra funny and still made terrible jokes.

* Blue's Clues

Q: What did the blueberry say to the blueberry? A: You're a blueberry.

* Don't play with your food

Q: What's the difference between a zombie baby and vegetables? A: I don't eat my vegetables

* The chicken was never this clever

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station

* Fish Brains

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall? A: Dam

* Chips and Dip

Q: How do you get a zombie baby into a bowl? A: A blender. Q: How do you get them out? A: Doritos.

* Hey DJ

Yo mama so dumb she dj's for the ice cream truck


Anti-Joke jokes

* A snail owned a car...

A snail owned a car and was painting a big letter 'S' on it. His friend the turtle saw him and asked why and the snail replied, "When people see me drive by they can, 'Say look at the S-car-go".

* Where's Ice Cube, Eve, and Cedric?

Q: Where did the sheep get its haircut? A: The ba-ba shop

* That's Cheesy

Q: Why did the mouse go to the party? A: He heard they were playing Parcheesi!

* Shrooming

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink, but the barkeep said, "Sorry, but we dont serve mushrooms." The mushroom replies, "Why, I'm a fun guy"

* Where did it go?

A blond was driving to the airport when she saw a sign that read, "Airport - Left," so she turned around and went back home.

* Hey DJ

Yo mama so dumb she dj's for the ice cream truck

* Actual Answers From Radio Contestants

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants... 1) Something a blind man…

* What Are Metaphors?

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31 pence-a-pint night. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Mast…

* What's blue and fluffy?

Q: What's blue and fluffy? A: Blue fluff.

* Why did the zombie baby cross the road?

Why did the zombie baby cross the road? To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who's standing there, scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby's head can be beneath…


Anti-Joke jokes

* Fat Chance

Yo mama's so fat...she decided to go on a diet.

* Stooooopid Mama

Yo mama is so stupid, she is dumber than me.

* A kangaroo walks into a bar. He tells the...

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of all wounds." The bartender does not know how he said this, or why.

* Why did the zombie baby cross the road?

Why did the zombie baby cross the road? To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who's standing there, scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby's head can be beneath…

* What's blue and fluffy?

Q: What's blue and fluffy? A: Blue fluff.

* A guy decides to buy a new...

A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out of tunafish." So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan." But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of …

* What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging...

What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan? Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.

* Actual Answers From Radio Contestants

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants... 1) Something a blind man…

* What Are Metaphors?

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31 pence-a-pint night. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Mast…

* Martin Scorscese is interviewing three ...

Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros for his new movie, they are Arnold Schwarzenneger, Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone. Pitching his movie he says, "This is gonna be an action flick with…

[Clo]

WHAT THE HELL, WES.

The joke in the OP was TERRIBLE. I liked the rest of them.



You twatbagel.


This is the best name-call I've heard in a while. I'm going to call the next person I see this.

[Raistlin]

A farmer had a decent racing horse that one day had twins. He called the twins Edward and Tobias. The colts were incredibly healthy and competitive, from a young age they would run together. Whenever the farmer would lay out some new hay or corn feed, the two colts would race, pushing each other as hard as they could to see who would win. Tobias always won, but it was always a close race. The farmer, noticing how competitive they were, decided to enter them in a racing competition.

Their first race both horses were very excited. Ed said to Tobias “Good luck, may the best horse win.” Tobias responded “Same to you, let’s beat these other guys!”

Well the race started and Tobias and Edward took off, taking an early lead. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. The other horses were completely destroyed in comparison.

“Good race!” Edward told Tobias, and Tobias agreed.

The farmer realized that he had made bank, that somehow he found two golden tickets. He entered the horses into many other local competitions and every time his horses would destroy the other horses. It always ended with Tobias barely beating Edward.

Eventually the two horses found themselves in a larger arena. They were at the state fair. Edward turned to Tobias and said “I’ll get you this time!” Tobias responded “Meh, I don’t actually care if you or I win, so long as we beat these other idiots!” Another horse snorts Edward said, “Good luck!” Tobias responded “You have good luck too!”

The race started and Tobias and Edward took out of the gates. It was a tough race; the other horses were able to keep up with Edward and Tobias for the first lap. But the two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. By now they had a lead over the other horses. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win.

Panting, Edward congratulated Tobias.

A few years went by and now Edward and Tobias were professional race horses. Their competition put them in the spot light of many the newspaper. Ever was Tobias the main headline though. Even as they got older, Tobias would always beat Edward.

One day they found themselves in the Kentucky Derby. In the starting gates, Edward turned to Tobias and said “I will get you this time, I know it! This is the race, here, in front of all these people.” Tobias responded “We’ll see brother, first we have to beat these other horses. None of them are poor runners either.” “Agreed,” Edward responded, “But it would be nice to beat you just once.” “You’ve always been the one who pushed me so hard.” Tobias responded. Edward said back, “And you’re the reason I’ve always worked so hard too.” Another horse vomited in its starting gate.

The gun went off, the gates opened up. Tobias and Edward took off. They were trailing the leaders, but didn’t seem to mind, they were in their own world. The two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. By now they had caught up with the other horses. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. It finished with Tobias in first and Edward a very, very close second with another horse right behind him. It was such a close race it came down to verifying with a photograph. Edward turned to Tobias, “I can’t believe you beat me, I tried so hard. Still, we just won the Kentucky Derby!!”

Years later, after living luxurious lives where they were pampered by the farmer who found them and long after they were retired, Tobias turned to Edward and said. “Do you want to have one final race, for old time’s sake?” Edward responded, “I never could beat you, I always wanted to have a chance to do so, just to know what it feels like to win.” Tobias said “Tell you what, why don’t we have a race? Just like back when we were colts; let’s run to that feed mill over there and back to this fence three times.” Edward said “I don’t think I could take loosing again, after all this time, coming in second. I don’t know if I would want to live after another loss. I don’t have that much life in me any more.” Tobias said, “Tell you what, if it comes down to it, if it is really close, I’ll let you win. Just so you can know what it feels like. Yeah, it won’t be ‘real’ but you’ll get to know.” Edward agreed.

“Ready, set, GO!” And both horses were off. The two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. It was almost as though the two old horses had the vitality of their youth again. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead again. On the third and final lap, close to finish, Edward was leading. It looked like he had the race in the bag. But suddenly Tobias seemed to get another final wind and he pushed ahead. He beat Edward. Tobias started prancing, victoriously, Edward, his soul crushed, lay down on the ground.

The old farmer’s dog, who had known both horses since their infancy, came up to Tobias and said, “Tobias, why would you do that? Why would you crush your brother’s hopes and dreams like that? There was nothing riding on this race, no point. Why? Why? Why would you do that?”

Upon hearing the dog, Edward stood up, he looked at his brother and said “Holy :bou::bou::bou::bou:, Toby, a talking dog!”

[Clo]

That was just... painful.

And rage-inducing.

[Raistlin]

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.

Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest?
Because it's not economically viable to sell pharmaceutical products in largely unpopulated regions.

[Shlup]

Alright, I confess... this is my favorite thread ever.

[Rad Bromance]

What do Ethiopians do at night?
Starve.

I laughed hard enough to wake the whole house up.

I am a terrible person.

[Shlup]

What do Ethiopians do at night?
Starve.

I laughed hard enough to wake the whole house up.

I am a terrible person.

Rad and I are so made for each other that we even have the same favorite jokes.

[NorthernChaosGod]

This thread got tl ; dr.

[Peegee]

This thread got tl ; dr.

Totally. I'm going to be giving Christmas props and I expect you to do the same.

[Breine]

This thread got tl ; dr.

Totally. I'm going to be giving Christmas props and I expect you to do the same.

[Madame Adequate]

That was just... painful.

And rage-inducing.

I am angry that my curiosity was not sated but I am pleased because I laughed a great deal.

[Raistlin]

The horse joke is almost as great as the orange head joke (which is now my favorite joke ever).

What do you call the person who graduated <i>dead last</i> in medical school?
Doctor.

What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
AIDS.

[Peegee]

I guess because I have a sense of humor I'm not even able to crack a smile at this thread :@

[Madame Adequate]

What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
AIDS.

Damn you xD

[Raistlin]

What's green, fuzzy, and deadly when it jumps on you from a tree?
A pool table.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.

[Raistlin]

Ok, my last ones, at least for a while. Warning: in very bad taste.

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's dead. Also she's a woman.

(sung to the tune of "Yankee Doodle"):

Hellen Keller went to town,
a-ridin' on a pony
Stuck a feather in her hat
And called it mmuhhhh

[Shlup]

Someone just posted this one on another board I go to. I think it counts.

-----------------

A man and woman fall in love, and after several months decide to get married. Nine months to the day after their honeymoon, they have a beautiful baby boy.

The boy was very much loved, and when he was two could talk rather well. His father took him aside one day and said, "Son, I think you're a very smart little boy, and I want to get you a present for talking so well. Just name what you want and it's yours!"

The little boy looked up at his father with his big blue eyes and said, "Daddy, I want a pink and purple polka-dot ping-pong ball."

Dad thinks this is weird, but he loves his son and goes to several shops before finding a little novelty shop that carries the pink and purple polka-dot ping-pong balls. Of course, the little boy was overjoyed.

This ended up becoming a tradition, and for each special occasion and milestone, the boy gets a pink and purple polka-dot ping-pong ball.

He graduates from Kindergarten. Pink and purple polka-dot ping-pong ball.

Does well in a violin solo in fifth grade. Pink and purple polka-dot ping-pong ball.

Gets into National Honor Society. Pink and purple polka-dot ping-pong ball.

When the boy was sixteen, his mother ended up dying of cancer. The dad went into his room and sat down next to him on the bed.

"Son, I miss your mother very much...And I know you do too. There isn't anything I can do to bring her back, but if there is anything that will help you feel better, just let me know."

The boy nodded gravely and said softly, "Just get me another pink and purple polka-dot ping-pong ball, please."

Of course, he got him one.

A few years later, the boy graduated from high school, and of course, his gift from his father was a pink and purple polka-dot ping-pong ball. He had been accepted into a prestigious university with a full scholarship, and his father was very proud.

Sadly, less than a month after graduation, the boy was in a car accident. His father was informed that he wasn't expected to last through the night, so on the way to the hospital, he stopped at the gift shop and got his son one last pink and purple polka-dot ping-pong ball.

The father walked into the ICU and sat down next to his son's prone form, taking his cold hand and placing the pink and purple polka-dot ping-pong ball in it. They boy looked over at his father and smiled weakly and his father looked at him with tears in his eyes.

"Son, I love you so much...Say hello to your mother for me. But before you go, I want you to just do one thing for me. Can you please tell me why you always want pink and purple polka-dot ping-pong balls?"

The boy nodded gravely, staring at his father intensely. He took a deep shuddering breath, inhaled, and said, "Well..."

And he died.

[The Man]

What did the deaf, dumb and blind boy with AIDS get for Christmas? Leukaemia.

Why don't black people dream? Because we shot the first one that did.

[Rodarian]

Whats worse than raping someone..
Raping someone with AIDS

Every race based on their skin tone is divided onto three basics

Whites:Semen

Yellows:Piss

Browns/Blacks: Feces

Whats better than hiring a prostitute.

Hiring Psy to wash your ass after a dump/diaherra.

[Loony BoB]

I swear I've heard about half of these jokes (or variations of them) when watching various Jimmy Carr things. There should be a Jimmy Carr quotes thread. For jokes and anti-jokes. Yes.

[Raistlin]

Shlup: I saw the "pink ping-pong ball" story (and variations of other colors of ping-pong balls) a couple of times in various reddit threads. I never cared for it. The ending is literal and intentionally a let-down, which is certainly anti-joke material, but it's just not as ridiculous as the "punch lines" to the orange head or talking horses story.

[Shlup]

I thought it was hilarious.



Why don't black people dream? Because we shot the first one that did.

That, sir, is a joke!

Also lolol.

[Peegee]

See I laughed at that. WesLEE should learn something about humor.

[Shiny]

Hellen Keller went to town,
a-ridin' on a pony
Stuck a feather in her hat
And called it mmuhhhh
I am so going to hell for laughing at that.

[Raistlin]

There will be a line, I'm sure. That was one of three that made me actually laugh out loud.

[Levian]

This thread is awesome. :]

I almost regret reading those long stories 'quack and raist posted though. xD Geez, what a waste of time.

and are you aware that some of the jokes in that post of yours is listed 4 times, Christmas? :p many good jokes in there though.

[Raistlin]

The long anti-jokes are the best ones! Unless it's the dumb ping-pong ball story.

And I'm pretty sure Christmas just copy/pasted a couple of lists from the first few results of an "anti-jokes" Google search.

[Christmas]

Reading a joke 4 times in between another joke make it funnier! :bigsmile:

[black orb]

>>> huh? Anti jokes are just bad jokes right?..:luca:

[Raistlin]

If by "bad" you mean "brilliant," then I agree.

How do you make a plumber cry?
Kill his family.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a punching bag?
One isn't funny at all and the other is the result of an abortion.

One day, Little Timmy asked his mother this question, "Mommy, why are boys and girls different?"
She responded, "You're adopted and Santa Claus is dead."

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.

[NorthernChaosGod]

A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, Not a cow.”

The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, You’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”

[rubah]

yeah I don't like anti-jokes. I like jokes. I liked NCG's.

[Raistlin]

You are just not enlightened enough to appreciate anti-jokes. But you are right that NCG's is a joke, not an anti-joke. My last dead baby one is borderline, but it amused me and I found it in a list of anti-jokes, so I posted it.

[Clo]

Ha... I like NCG's joke too.

But I still hate the Orange Head and the horse one. :argh:

[I Took the Red Pill]

two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff

[NorthernChaosGod]

yeah I don't like anti-jokes. I like jokes. I liked NCG's.


Ha... I like NCG's joke too.

/smug

[Raistlin]

It looks like that, besides me, only Huxley has the sufficient intellect and sense of humor to appreciate the Orange Head joke for the absolute brilliance that it is. The rest of you fail, at both humor and life.

[Jiro]

Well now it just looks like I'm pretending to be smart. I like anti jokes, have since Rantz sent me that one about the alcoholic for the funniest member speech last year.

[Raistlin]

A lot of people in this thread have said they like anti-jokes. It just takes a particular brand of dementia humor to like the long, drawn-out ones with random, anti-climactic punchlines.

[Pheesh]

The horse one is the best in the thread.

I vaguely remember a really long anti joke, but it has sound effects that I wouldn't know how to write, and I've forgotten a lot of the details that made it so long and drawn out :/

I have these two jokes (one is an anti-joke, and the other is an actual joke I guess...and hopefully christmas didn't already say it in her ridiculously long post that i didn't read);

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Oh, here come the elephants over the hill."

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
"Nothing, he didn't recognise them."

[NorthernChaosGod]

It looks like that, besides me, only Huxley has the sufficient intellect and sense of humor to appreciate the Orange Head joke for the absolute brilliance that it is. The rest of you fail, at both humor and life.

I liked that one and some of the others in this thread, but mine is still funnier.

[Christmas]

I think it is hard for people to like stuffs that Raistlin likes. :bigsmile:

[The Man]

I liked all the ones WesLY posted so much that I posted them on FFR where they got great responses. The horse one especially. I'm probably going to post them on FG too but I'm not sure if they're ready for them there yet.