Joke Thread

[DarkBahamut]

Crack chuckles across the forum!!

If pro and con are opposites, what is the opposite of progess?
CONGRESS! *drum roll*

[Timekeeper]

I was at a party once and someone threw a soda at me.
I'm just lucky it was a soft drink.

[|-THE redmage-|]

What is green, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you, it would kill you?

A pool table

[Bunny]

What did the little boy with cancer say right before he died?

Nothing. He was very sick, and could not speak during the last few weeks of his life.

[Pheesh]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side-effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

[Elskidor]

Cyan came home to his kingdom of Doma one day carrying a new case of bottled water. He showed it to his wife and child and offered them some, but they laughed and turned him down "Honestly now," Elayne, his wife, told him, "When will THAT ever come in useful?"

[Remon]

A little girl asks her mother :
-Mommy, Mommy. During lunch break the boys asked me to get their ball that was stuck at a tree. And I climbed up and got it for them.
- Didn't I tell you? -said her mother - They only want to look at your panties.
The girl smiles :
-Don't worry Mommy, I took them off before climbing up.

[Tai-Ti]

here's one I got from a Christmas cracker:

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don't, you get it from a duck :)

...

I thought it was quite clever.

[Christmas]

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any "we" in the first place."

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person.

Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.


Where do bees keep their money?
In a honey box.


Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open?
She'd read there was going to be some change in the weather.


Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."


What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was money in the kitty.


How can a can you double your money?
By folding it in half.


Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."

Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son.
Any suggestions?
Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

I hate paying my income tax.
You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile?
I'd like to but they insist on money!

The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.


Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!


Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?

No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.


Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?

No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.

At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars.

One of the chamber members stood up and said,

"I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army

Baskin Robbins

Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A
mama cat and her kitten were walking by.

The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we
eat?"

To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How
about some Baskin Robbins?"

Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?

1. Ask for last months specials.

2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.

3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.

4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.

5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.

6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.

7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.

8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.

9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.

10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.

11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.

12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.

13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.

14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!

15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having

16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.

17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.

18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.

19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.

20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you
this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."

21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.

22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.

23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.

24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.

25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.





PROFESSOR JOKES

50 fun things for professors to do on the first day of class...

1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2.After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4.wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."

7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."

9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."

10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

13.Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex Machine."

16.Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19.Address students as "worm."

20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

22.Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23.Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

24.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

25.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

26.Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

27.Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

28.Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

29.Growl constantly and address students as "matey."

30.Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."

31.Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

32.Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

33.Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

34.Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."

35.Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

36.Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

37.Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

38.Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at the bass while you lecture.

39.Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40.Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

41.Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk."

42.Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43.Pass out dental floss to students floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

44.Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for you class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45.Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in you grade book.

46.Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47.Warn students that they should being a snack lunch to exams.

48.Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49.Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field."

50.Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"


Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define
the conditions."

Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.
"With that she sat down red-faced. Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have
a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[fire_of_avalon]

What's red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket?

What's green and looks like a bucket?...














A red bucket in disguise.

[Rocket Edge]

Q: A big bad person enters the west

A: Sheriff tells him to go fuck himself

I'm aiming for worst joke of this thread (my excuse is i'm hammered)

[NorthernChaosGod]

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father answers: “Okay son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”