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sharkythesharkdogg
04-06-2011, 09:14 PM
This will no doubt spiral into ban worthy jokes, but I'm actually shooting for awful CORNY jokes. The ones that make you wince. I'll get the ball rolling.

Two muffins are baking in the oven. The first one leans over to the second one and says, "Jeez, It's getting seriously hot in here."

The second muffin flips out and says, "Holy :bou::bou::bou::bou:, a talking muffin!!"

Whats the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snowballs.

What'd the fish yell when it couldn't swim any further upstream?

Dam!!


Awful, truly awful. Let's hear 'em. :p

DMKA
04-06-2011, 10:22 PM
A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Remon
04-06-2011, 10:23 PM
Those jokes aren't awful at all :stare:

Jentleness
04-07-2011, 07:13 AM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Elephino

qwertysaur
04-07-2011, 07:29 AM
Recipe for bad jokes.

Make a question. It can be any question.

Write an answer that is a pun using something related to what the question is about.

Dodge the objects thrown at you for making a terrible pun.

Timekeeper
04-07-2011, 08:43 AM
What would you get for making a joke like qwerty suggested?

Punishment! :jess:

G13
04-07-2011, 09:10 AM
A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!"

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign that says No Fungi, and the mushroom says "I'm not a fungi, I'm a fun guy!"

sharkythesharkdogg
04-07-2011, 05:48 PM
What do vegan zombies eat?

gggrrraaaiinnnss

What do you call a cow with no legs?

ground beef

ohhhh, you people know some awful jokes. I'm impressed.

and nauseated.

Shaibana
04-07-2011, 07:25 PM
what is red and makes the phone ring when you smash it against a wall?


Coinsidence

Hollycat
04-08-2011, 03:18 AM
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
a stick
what do you get when you mix a plane, a ferrari, and a kitteh?
a flying car-pet

|-THE redmage-|
04-08-2011, 03:36 AM
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
because it was dead

Bunny
04-08-2011, 04:03 AM
http://forums.eyesonff.com/wonder-square/136683-awful-joke-thread.html#post2968925

Jiro
04-08-2011, 04:33 AM
I want those anti jokes to show up, like the orange head guy.

Vermachtnis
04-08-2011, 05:10 AM
A seal walks into a club.

TrollHunter
04-08-2011, 05:26 AM
Two blondes walk into a bar, you think one of them would've seen it.

G13
04-08-2011, 05:47 AM
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

qwertysaur
04-08-2011, 06:19 AM
What would you get for making a joke like qwerty suggested?

Punishment! :jess:
:stare:

Jiro
04-08-2011, 06:28 AM
What would you get for making a joke like qwerty suggested?

Punishment! :jess:
:stare:

:jess:

NeoCracker
04-08-2011, 06:53 AM
This is a terrible joke. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

Shaibana
04-08-2011, 08:51 AM
that video is not availeble in my country.... bad joke indeed

Remon
04-08-2011, 01:58 PM
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

sharkythesharkdogg
04-08-2011, 05:29 PM
One night a drunken man was searching on the ground below a street lamp.

Two passers-by stopped and asked, "Hey what are you looking for? Need some help?"

"Sure, that'd be great." He replied drunkenly. "I dropped my car keys about two blocks back that way."

....."Well if you dropped them two blocks over why are you searching over here?"


"Oh well that's obvious. It's night time and the lighting here is way better....."

Shaibana
04-08-2011, 06:28 PM
Whats green and rushes down the hill?

Skiwi

Rocket Edge
04-08-2011, 06:55 PM
Man walks into a bar with an Alligator on a leash. He asks the barman for two beers, one for him & one for the Alligator. Barman points towards the Alligator and says "you can't leave that lyin' there". Man says "it's not a Lion it's an Alligator".

DMKA
04-08-2011, 07:02 PM
What kind of shoes does a frog wear?

Open Toad

Where did General Custard keep his armies?

In his sleevies

Citizen Bleys
04-09-2011, 02:06 AM
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench on a warm summer day.

The minister says "Look at all of the adorable children playing in the sun!"

The priest says "Think we can screw them?"

Replies the rabbi, "Out of what?"

NeoCracker
04-09-2011, 04:49 AM
that video is not availeble in my country.... bad joke indeed

It's a Rick Roll. :p

Citizen Bleys
04-09-2011, 06:43 AM
A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walks into a bar. Then he orders a drink.

TrollHunter
04-09-2011, 07:04 AM
This is a terrible joke. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

YouTube - Trololol !!! for the hearing impaired !!! :) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8TbBo0hlMM&feature=related)

I think I win. :cool:

Remon
04-09-2011, 12:02 PM
Two friends meet after a long time :

Man 1- I got married for the third time...
Man 2 - Really? But what happened to the previous wives?
Man 1 - They died.
Man 2 - Oh how terrible. But how did they die?
Man 1 - The first wife died from drinking poison.
Man 2 - What about the other one?
Man 1 - A fracture on her skull.
Man 2 - How awful, but how did she get that?
Man 1 - She didn't want to drink the poison.

Caboose
04-09-2011, 01:34 PM
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar......................and doesn't!

Shaibana
04-09-2011, 03:50 PM
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar......................and doesn't!
i dnt get it

Caboose
04-09-2011, 04:09 PM
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar......................and doesn't!
i dnt get it

Schrödinger's cat - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schr%C3%B6dinger's_cat)

Citizen Bleys
04-09-2011, 07:01 PM
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

Del Murder
04-09-2011, 08:07 PM
For some reason I get the idea that Bleys doesn't care for priests.

Citizen Bleys
04-09-2011, 11:04 PM
I just love priest jokes. I've got some that aren't anti-Catholic, but they're not awful either:

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do.

So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.


That doesn't make me anti-Monarchy. In fact, if you frakk with my Queen, I will take you down.

Shaibana
04-10-2011, 01:05 PM
hahahahaha bleys!! that was a genius one =D Lmao

Citizen Bleys
04-10-2011, 08:25 PM
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks, "WHAT did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant!"

DMKA
04-11-2011, 11:26 PM
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks, "WHAT did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant!"

xD

sharkythesharkdogg
04-27-2011, 02:48 PM
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken

Shaibana
04-27-2011, 06:48 PM
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken

aaaahahha =D

A man stands in from of the mirror making 'bodybuilder poses'
he strikes a pose: ' Like dynamite!!' he says
when his wife walks by and says: ' to bad it has such a short fuse'

:D ... danm im bad at telling jokes :(

sharkythesharkdogg
04-27-2011, 09:02 PM
^^^^^Well that means this thread is all you.

Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain. No one will run with me either.

Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

Unless it'll load the bases, you walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.

and now a long one.......and it's pretty ridiculous.

The Pope was on a tour of the United States and instead of flying from city to city he was riding by car. The Pope-mobile (http://www.idiotbrain.com/wp-content/popemobile-1.jpg) to be precise.

The Pope-mobile was out in west Texas where it's long and flat with nothing but sage brush and oil rigs. They'd left one security detail in Dallas and were to meet the next escort in Arizona, so it was just the Pope and his driver.

The Pope mentioned how he'd never had a chance to drive a car before. He asked the driver to switch places with him. The driver couldn't really say no. It's the Pope! So he climbed up in the little dome, and the Pope started driving.

He was getting more comfortable, and started picking up a good bit of speed. The road was straight and wide. So soon he was cruising at 85-90mph.

A Texas state trooper clocked him and pulled him over. The Trooper walked up to the car, looked at the Pope, turned pale, and walked back to his car.

He radioed dispatch.

Troooper, "Dispatch, I think I've pulled over some one really important. I don't even know if they're in my jurisdiction."

Dispatch, "Who did you pull? One of the local mayors?"

Trooper, "No, way more important."

Dispatch, "So the governor? Who is it?"

Trooper, "No it's not the governor. I'm not sure who it is."

Dispatch, "Well how the hell do you know they're important?"

Trooper, "I can't recognize him, but I know he has to be someone really important. He has the Pope driving for him........"


a cha cha cha!!!!!

sharkythesharkdogg
05-11-2011, 03:50 AM
updated with new, lame joke!

Værn
05-11-2011, 05:44 AM
A cloud of helium floats into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry sir, but we don't server noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

Timekeeper
05-11-2011, 01:36 PM
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

Shaibana
05-11-2011, 07:02 PM
When u say my name.. im no longer there..
Who am i?

Silence

p.s heard this one @ the move La vita e bella =D found m genius

Remon
05-11-2011, 07:07 PM
How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog

Jiro
05-12-2011, 02:47 PM
sharky's pope-mobile joke is one of the best things ever.

VexNet
05-12-2011, 04:04 PM
I have some cheese jokes.


What's the best cheese to get a bear down from a tree? Camembert

What's the best cheese to hide a small horse? Mascapone

What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese

Jiro
05-12-2011, 04:08 PM
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.


I have some cheese jokes.



What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese




:erm:

Remon
05-12-2011, 04:11 PM
He's on topic XD

Shaibana
05-12-2011, 07:06 PM
.. i dont get the cheese-jokes

Citizen Bleys
05-12-2011, 07:15 PM
This fellow comes to confession.
"Father, he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure, and she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

Shaibana
05-12-2011, 07:20 PM
This fellow comes to confession.
"Father, he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure, and she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

i dont get it 100%.. now i feel stupid :(

sharkythesharkdogg
05-12-2011, 10:53 PM
^^ Even the priest was calling the guy a moron for not taking advantage of the situation with the hot blonde. The joke is that the even the priest knew it was something too good to pass up.

Shaibana
05-13-2011, 11:40 AM
i got that part but.. whats with the bale of hay?

sharkythesharkdogg
05-13-2011, 02:38 PM
The priest called him a jackass. A jackass is slang for someone who's being an idiot. A jackass is also basically a burro or a donkey. Donkeys eat hay.

Shaibana
05-13-2011, 05:02 PM
Ya sure.. but so do Horses and rabbits and guinea pigs..
so it doesnt make that much sense to me becaus hay is not specifike to 1 animal

sharkythesharkdogg
05-15-2011, 02:07 AM
:facepalm: :p jokes are hard to translate across language barriers.

The point is really that even the priest new it was a situation too good to pass up. A Priest. The guy who's supposed to be above temptations of the flesh. The added zing was the fact that the priest told the guy his reward in heaven was a bail of hay, because he was a jackass. Sure more than one type of animal eats hay, but so what? So do jackasses. You're focusing too much on the wrong details. Shrug. No biggie, you either get it or you don't. These jokes are all terrible anyway, so you're not missing too much. :jess:

Remon
05-15-2011, 10:33 AM
Moving on...


What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.

Værn
05-15-2011, 11:01 AM
What are the three major elements of a corny chemistry joke?
Cobalt, radon, and yttrium

Timekeeper
05-16-2011, 05:20 AM
Wow, that was CoRnY! But it took far, far too long for it to click :shobon:


What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

Shaibana
05-16-2011, 02:06 PM
haha timekeeper :P thats so random

Carl the Llama
05-17-2011, 05:20 AM
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A Stick

Hollycat
05-17-2011, 05:22 AM
I already said that one

sharkythesharkdogg
05-17-2011, 05:58 AM
Possibly offensive.

What happens if you play the movie Cinderella backwords?

It becomes a story about a bitch learning her place. :jess:


And now another long one.....

A mother polar bear and her cub are walking along north of the Arctic Circle.

The cub looked at his mom as asked, "Mom, am I a polar bear?"

"Yes son. You are a polar bear."

The walked a little further and the cub asked with an unusual look on his face.

"Mom, are you SURE I'm a polar bear?"

She chuckled and replied, "Yes dear, I'm quite certain you are a polar bear."

About another 10 minutes went by and with a look of incredulity the cub asked again.

"Mom, are you really, really certain I'm a polar bear?"

A little exasperated the mother replied, "YES. YES. I know you are a polar bear! Why do you keep asking?!"

"Well, it's hard to believe because I'm freezing my ass off!"

Vermachtnis
05-17-2011, 05:40 PM
http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/memes-nacho-cheese.jpg

sharkythesharkdogg
05-17-2011, 06:59 PM
:p I like it!

Polnareff
05-18-2011, 02:33 AM
What happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?

The same thing that happens to everyone else. :jess:

Timekeeper
05-18-2011, 01:44 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!

Get it? It's funny because the punchline is straightforward and doesn't lead to the comical resolution you expected :jess:

Shaibana
05-18-2011, 06:15 PM
ya we get it :3

What is a black man flying an airplaine?

A pilot!! u racist!! >: (

Hollycat
05-18-2011, 09:36 PM
ya we get it :3

What is a black man flying an airplaine?

A pilot!! u racist!! >: (

heres a very racist one

a man was asleep and he woke up to see a vase floating up from his nightstand
he said drop it chocolate theif.

It turned out it was actually a guy in the vent with a string and hook.

the man was racist.

he sucks

Shaibana
05-19-2011, 05:34 PM
.. i dnt get it

Jiro
05-20-2011, 04:48 AM
Well it was night time and his vase was moving so he assumed a black person was stealing it because it was dark.

Timekeeper
05-20-2011, 01:34 PM
ya we get it :3

I'd intended the in-depth explanation to be the humorous part of that anti-joke...

Remon
05-20-2011, 01:39 PM
Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?


Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.

Shaibana
05-20-2011, 05:59 PM
u problably all know this one:
what is green and wooshes down the hill??
Skiwi

sharkythesharkdogg
06-17-2011, 05:44 PM
My best friend told me this one, and after she did I cried and vomited all at once. Classic dumb joke.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

"I smell carrots...."

Remon
06-18-2011, 12:54 AM
My best friend told me this one, and after she did I cried and vomited all at once. Classic dumb joke.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

"I smell carrots...."

Haha!

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person.

Rowan
06-20-2011, 01:16 AM
A man gets a call from a beautiful woman and she says "come over, noones home"
so he goes over and knocks,
and nobody was home!

sharkythesharkdogg
06-21-2011, 03:53 AM
And now boys and girls, gather 'round for a fable my father told me when I was around 7 or so.

It was an incredibly frigid winter day. There was a relentless, dry, biting wind cutting through the air and the whole world appeared empty and white. A lone blue bird was trying desperately to migrate south, but had been caught by surprise of the early winter. Now she struggled desperately to fly against the cold, steady wind. Her strength draining, and her resolve almost out, she collapsed in a snowy field and waited for death. Her vision narrowed, her body grew numb, and she began to drift into darkness.

As it happened, she'd landed near a cow. It picked that opportunity to lay a cow pie right on top of the poor bird. Everything but her head and neck was now covered in manure. How could it get worse?

She sat and mourned her fate, but then noticed that she was getting warmer. The manure was warm! How joyous! From absolute despair came a small ray of hope! If she could wait out this storm in the warm cow pie she might have enough strength to fly the rest of the way!

Unable to contain her happiness in her sudden good fortune, she began to sing her happy little blue bird song. Her breath frosted in the air as she merrily warbled.

A hawk, lean and starving from the slim winter meals, noticed the commotion. In a fell swoop it dove and grabbed the little bird from the manure. She was unceremoniously devoured and eaten.

So the moral of the story is this. Just because someone puts you up to your neck in bull***t, doesn't absolutely mean they're your enemy. Just because someone pulls you out of a big pile a bull***t, it doesn't mean they're your friend.

Knowledge nuggets from your family are the best. :p :)

Shaibana
06-21-2011, 07:20 PM
hahaa Skark, hail to that :P

sharkythesharkdogg
08-06-2011, 06:18 PM
It's been a while. So it's time for another corny, awful joke. This one is for all my azns. :D

http://i839.photobucket.com/albums/zz318/sharkythesharkdogg/erectricians.jpg

crashNUMBERS
08-06-2011, 07:06 PM
wanna hear a joke about pizza?...







nah, its too cheesy

NeoCracker
08-07-2011, 07:03 PM
Yay Racism! :jess:

What is the Great White Hope? Sickle Cell Anemia

What starts with an N, ends with an R, and you wouldn't want to call a black person? Neighbor

Rebellious Eagle
08-07-2011, 07:13 PM
Know any good jokes about sodium?
Na.

sharkythesharkdogg
08-07-2011, 07:40 PM
Yay Racism! :jess:

What is the Great White Hope? Sickle Cell Anemia

What starts with an N, ends with an R, and you wouldn't want to call a black person? Neighbor

All of that makes me think of Uncle Ruckus on The Boondocks.


Know any good jokes about sodium?
Na.

It made me do this :| so it must be a good one.

crashNUMBERS
08-09-2011, 04:24 PM
^ lol 'Na' is the abbreviation for sodium on the periodic table

Shaibana
08-09-2011, 09:56 PM
Knock knock
who's there?
Britney spears
Britney spears who?
Knock knock!
who's there?
oops i did it again!

Martyr
08-10-2011, 05:18 AM
I remember once, there was a small Catholic church in our town, and it wasn't bringing in much income. They wanted to be a larger and more powerful church, but the money wasn't coming in. Chalk it up to not enough people tithing or, perhaps a modernist progression away from religion. I don't really know or understand the politics of it all, but the priests didn't want to have to start selling off their stained glass windows or scaling down their lavish decor just to buy wine and wafers, so they decided that something had to be done in order to increase church revenue.
The solution?
Well, the priests called the friars together and suggested that they start a business. The business had to be something very Godly. It had to be a benevolent gift to the community as well as a method of acquiring donations. lawyers were out, because a lawyer priest would carry a horrible stigma. Mechanics aren't we trusted. Suddenly, one friar exclaimed, "what better business for a church than to sell flowers!"
It was a great idea, and they opened up a flower shop soon after. It was made with simple squares of plywood, and tiny shelves were built in and lined with potted plants. Seeds were planted around the structure so that a natural garden would soon grow. Decorative vines, clean walls, happy friars and lots of perfume smelling flowers made the Catholic church's flower shop an absolutely beautiful sight to behold and a most stop site for the townspeople.
People came from all over to buy flowers from the friars. And why not? Flowers are wonderful gifts for many occasions and it felt good to support the church in doing so.
This went on for months, and the church was finally making a lot of money and doing good. The financial fears faded away, and, in fact, there were surpluses of cash, which made the church's influence much stronger. The flower shop had become a beloved place in the town and an excellent business success.
Good news does not last forever, however, and one day a man came to the flower shop with no interest in buying a flower.
He said, "Friars. Hello. I am here because I am the florist down the way, and I must beg that you close down."
The friars were like, "What? Hell no!"
And the florist implored that he was about to go under, but the friars said, "This flower shop is for the benefit of the Catholic Church. Do not be so selfish." And they dismissed him.
The florist left with great sadness in his heart. He had a a wife and three beautiful girls in his home, and they had been prosperous florists in the town before the friars came in. Initially, he considered the religious men to be friendly competition, but after the months of competing, he realized that he was going to lose his business. Poverty was creeping around the corner. Still, he respected the good friars and decided to vamp up his marketing and continue to wage business warfare.
That determination only lasted so long, and after another week, the florist knew that he had no chance. His landmark shop was old and grungy. He was not holy as the church, and he did not have the ability to put on religious shows or save souls. He returned to the friars' shop, begging desperately for them to stop so that he would not go bankrupt. He pleaded on the behalf of his wife and daughters, but his requests were denied. The friars did not appreciate his assault on their business, which had become so important to the church, and they chastised him, saying he was blasphemous for demanding that the church pull back and not minister to the citizens of the town.
Awestruck and dumbfounded, the florist found himself walking toward his home at dusk. He was on his last few dollars. He reached into his pocket and pulled out 6 crumpled bills. It was not enough to bring home a sufficient dinner to his family. Looking forward, he did not see the trees before him but only visions of foreclosure on his shop, the loss of his house, the starvation of his children, his failure as a man and a provider. As he daydreamed in pitiful sorrow, he did not watch where he was heading. His wandering took him to the outskirts of town, near the dark forests, which were heavy with thieves and animals and other creepy dangers that most townsfolk were better off avoiding. Just before he took his first step into the haunted grove, he awoke from his daze. He peered on into the darkness, for the sun had set hours ago and the moon was high in the sky, and his inhibitions left him. He did not care whether he lived or died. If a mugger attacked him, they would get 6 dollars. If muggers attacked him, he would attack them!
The florist, dressed like a businessman and with no food or water to justify his plunge into the wilderness began to follow one path after another. Some paths disappeared and others formed, the common maze trap that can kill an untrained explorer. Still the florist was hell-bent on forcing his own destruction. He needed an answer to his problem, and the only clear thought beyond the delirium was that, somehow, the answer was in this forest!
Suddenly, as he passed around a bend, he saw the most amazing and unexpected sight he could've seen. A bar! It did not have a proper name, but the letters on the top read SALOON.
Actually, that's not true. One of the Os was missing, so the bar actually was called the SALO N. The wooden walls were strong, yet old, and the windows were dark. Yet faint light could be seen from inside. The night was dark, but the bright moon glinted off a brass door handle, and the florist, without complete awareness of the fact that he was doing what he was doing placed his hand on the door handle, turned it, and opened the door.
There, in the darkness, shady folks played poker in the dark, bedraggled travelers guzzled whiskey, and a pool table was being scraped up by yet another set of bloodthirsty roughnecks. None of these men were the type that the florist would generally associate with and as he stood in the doorway, letting the light of the moon shower over everybody and their dirty dealings, he was too afraid to move. Everybody in the bar turned to see this unusual creature that had intruded upon their space, and they glowered with violent hatred in their eyes. For an imperceptibly small moment that felt like an eternity, the florist faced off with these men before the bartender hollered, "Shut the damn door!"
The florist shut the door, but he continued to stand in place, so the bartender said, "What the hell are you here for? To stand there? We don't know you. I don't know you. I'm thinking you better come up with a reason for being here before we make one up ourselves, eh?"
The florist, paniced, looked around the room. He was truly afraid and allowed his mouth to speak before his mind thought and the words that came out were, "I am here to play a game of poker!"
"Then go on ahead and sit down," the bartender said.
Suddenly, the atmosphere had returned to normal. The men in the shadows resumed their drinking, their playing and their dealing. Meanwhile, the florist couldn't believe his luck. He had a pretty stone face for a game like this, and it seemed like a miracle that despite his incoherence, his being lost and his mental disruption, he had found a place where the possibility of making a few bucks was totally real. All he had to do was win a few games and presto! His family would have food on the table. He could return and rethink what his next plan of action was. He could already feel victory in the impending hand. Sitting down at the table, he almost wanted to grin (but he didn't). These losers were no problem for the likes of him. He quickly tossed in a 5 dollar annie. The cards were dealt, the hand was done, and in seconds, the florist was penniless, and the fiends were laughing at him.
What had just happened? He had so much hope! So much of everything returned and then taken away and then and then and then- It was time to annie up for the next game, and the dealer was yelling at him, "Annie up fancy pants! Hurry! We only got all night!"
The florist muttered, "I';m broke."
When he said that, everybody at the table started shouting at once, but the dealer quieted them down and said, "Look little man. We don't know who you are or what kind of insanely idiotic idea you formed in your head when you decided to waltz in here all dressed up like your rich and all broke and penniless, but I bet I could sell those clothes of yours for a find wad of cash. Your body ain't worth much though. I might have to bury it out behind the bar. What do you think of that? Is that wise? Or do you have titanium or aluminum in your bones somewhere that I could recycle?"
The florist had no idea how to respond. He looked at the men who were going to kill him, essentially satisfying his personal mission for the night, but he was too distraught and too afraid to think badly, less properly, and finally, he could not keep his cool composure. He broke down and started crying, and the criminals asked, "Why, sucker, how dare you cry here? You only lost a few dollars. Get ahold of yourself! I'll get ahold of your car keys!"
And the florist said, "you don't understand! I'm the town florist, and the friars have run me into the ground. I just bet all the last bits of money I had on this game so that I could make some money to feed my family! I have three girls and they're gonna starve and my shop is gone and my life is over and I just can't-"
He continued to cry. Then a miracle happened. Somehow, he touched the ice cold heart of the card dealer. The man looked upon the florist with pity and sadness. He said, "Yes. Many of us have suffered the same as you. Do you think it was our choice to dress in rags and wander the forest? We all come from somewhere and some time when life was better. Many of us come from homes that were lost, careers that were taken away, families that have been destroyed. We are all shunned men. I do not want to see another man like you become a man like me. I will help you."

The card dealer announced, "This looks like a job for HUE."

All the vile men in that SALO N agreed that Hue would be the right man to call. Hue had a history of run-ins with the church, and he was a great man to solve problems for any civilian suffering from religious oppression! The men told the florist not to worry. Hue was on the case. He would arrive first thing in the morning and take care of this "friar" problem.
We will tell him to call you as soon as he knows that you have nothing more to fear.
So the florist dried his tears, thanked the cons for for their good service and left, utterly confused.

When the florist arrived home late at night, his children had gone to bed hungry. His wife was waiting for him to return, somewhat afraid for his well-being. When the florist entered the house, smelling of cigarettes and liquor, covered in mud and brambles, she nearly flipped out. She hugged him and scolded him and asked him questions, but the florist only said, "Honey, go to bed. I am going to stay up tonight."
She went off to bed, and the florist sat at the table by the phone and wodnered what would become of him and his family. He did not know who Hue was or why he was putting so much trust in a name except that he was worn out and ready to give in. He sat and waited.

Early the next morning, as the sun was rising, as the firars were setting up, a silhouette appeared atop the hill behind their small flower shop. The friars did not take any notice. They merrily displayed their new plants, whistling hymns and checking the cash register for the proper amount of small bills and change for the day. They did not notice the silhouette move downwards from the top of the hill. Hue came running as fast as he could. He was a big, strong, fast, powerful man with fiery red locks of hair streaming behind him and large, steel toed work boots boots. As he roared down like the thunder of the heavens, the friars eventually noticed his approach. They were excited about their first early-bird customer of the day, dropped the small tasks that they were performing and lined up to greet the man running down the hill.
Hue kept running down as fast as he could. Soon the friars began to worry that he might trip and fall. He was coming so fast. They nervously looked at one another as the locomotive of a man approached and one opened his mouth to shout a warning, "Be caref-!" But it was too late.
Hue crashed into the shop, busting through the wall. The friars ran about, terriffied as Hue used his arms to knock the potted plants off the shelves, throwing one or two at the shouting friars. Hue kicked down the elegant yet poorly grounded walls with his powerful feet, smashed the tables with his mighty hands, dug his heels into the garden and uprooted every last tiny plant that had grown the small garden, and mashed and smashed and shredded and flattened every last remnant of the friar's flower shop. The friars ran off and never returned.

Some minutes later, the florist received a call. A gruff voice spoke from the other line, "This is Hue. The friars are gone. Have a good business."

The florist walked over to his bedroom and hugged his wife.
Everything would be alright.


MORAL:
ONLY HUE CAN HELP STOP FLORIST FRIARS


I've been meaning to write that one down for a long time now.

dambaz
08-10-2011, 07:25 PM
2 irish men walking down the street see a pitbull licking its balls paddy says to murphy "i wish i could do that" murphy replys "id stroke him first he looks a vicious bastard"