View Full Version : EoFF: Dwarf Fortress - Spoonproblems. Also, goblin problems.

Pages : [1] 2

Loony BoB
07-10-2011, 12:49 PM
EoFF: Dwarf Fortress - Spoonproblems


tl;dr summary: Dwarf Fortress is a game where, as you might expect, you control a fortress of Dwarves. Spoonproblems is the EoFF fortress and it is in the middle of a frozen hellhole. The Dwarves are named after EoFFers, and EoFFers take it in turns to run the fortress for a year, and post about the shenanigans that ensue.

We are all going to die and it is going to be hilarious. Losing is fun.



The world of Eyesonia. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-i-got-99-problems-but-spoon-aint-one-2.html#post3004124)

Year One - Psychotic
Spring - Humble beginnings. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-i-got-99-problems-but-spoon-aint-one-3.html#post3005075)
Summer - PULL. THE. LEVER! (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-i-got-99-problems-but-spoon-aint-one-3.html#post3005101)
Autumn - Love and animal cruelty? Only in Spoonproblems. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-i-got-99-problems-but-spoon-aint-one-3.html#post3005120)
Winter - One last look. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-i-got-99-problems-but-spoon-aint-one-3.html#post3005182)

Year Two - Demon Dude
We managed to avoid drowning. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-i-got-99-problems-but-spoon-aint-one-4.html#post3005864)
Of dogs and Dwarves. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-pink-haired-goblin-invasion-yeah-spoonproblems-4.html#post3005912)
Bang Bang, you're dead. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-pink-haired-goblin-invasion-yeah-spoonproblems-5.html#post3006184)
Ain't no grave can hold my body down. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-pink-haired-goblin-invasion-yeah-spoonproblems-5.html#post3006215)
Calm before the Storm (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-pink-haired-goblin-invasion-yeah-spoonproblems-6.html#post3006543)
Part two finale: Destruction (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-pink-haired-goblin-invasion-yeah-spoonproblems-6.html#post3006758)

Year Two Finale - Psychotic
The fall of Spoonproblems. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-demon-dude-kills-everyone-revenge-his-banishment-6.html#post3006842)

Year Two Deja Vu - Iceglow
Spring 526... was it all just a dream?! (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-7.html#post3006936)
Of cisterns and idiocy. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-7.html#post3006967)
Parties, Melissaur, and Snatches (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-8.html#post3007386)
Enterprise Baby, YEAH! (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-8.html#post3008850)
Great News, Everyone! (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-8.html#post3008852)
The best laid plans of mice and menl (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-9.html#post3008856)
Did somebody yell "Freeze!"? (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-9.html#post3009510)
Of worries, plans, and babies. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-10.html#post3017239)

Year Three - Loony BoB

Lonny Bob has evolved into Loony BoB! (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-10.html#post3018834)
Spoonproblems: Helm's Deep edition (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-10.html#post3018878)
Mining 101: When the going gets tough, you dig deep. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-10.html#post3018882)
Goblins, aka Immigration Control (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-10.html#post3019091)
Life, Death, Afterlife and more Life. (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-gaming-discussion/137848-eoff-dwarf-fortress-spoonproblems-also-goblin-problems-10.html#post3019571)


If you're interested in getting involved in either running or just having a character in an EoFF succession game of Dwarf Fortress, post in this thread saying so! Otherwise, once it's up and running, just sit back and enjoy the show. :)

If you don't know what Dwarf Fortress is, I suggest checking out the old thread to get a good idea of what to expect here: http://forums.eyesonff.com/general-archive/128158-eoff-dwarf-fortress-time.html
Also, you can check out the Dwarf Fortress Wiki for more details on the game: Dwarf Fortress Wiki (http://df.magmawiki.com/index.php)

So, without further ado, let's get into the things that are important for those who are interested in having a dwarf named after them and having some kind of say on what they might specialise in.

List of jobs (and the skills related to each job)
Miner - Miner
Woodworker - Bowyer • Carpenter • Wood cutter
Stoneworker - Engraver • Mason
Ranger - Ambusher • Animal caretaker • Animal dissector • Animal trainer • Trapper
Doctor - Bone doctor • Crutch-walker • Diagnostician • Surgeon • Suturer • Wound dresser
Farmer - Beekeeper • Brewer • Butcher • Cheese maker • Cook • Dyer • Grower • Herbalist • Lye maker • Milker • Miller • Potash maker • Presser • Shearer • Soaper • Spinner • Tanner • Thresher • Wood burner
Fishery Worker - Fish cleaner • Fish dissector • Fisherdwarf
Metalsmith - Armorsmith • Furnace operator • Metal crafter • Blacksmith • Weaponsmith
Jeweler - Gem cutter • Gem setter
Craftsdwarf - Bone carver • Clothier • Glassmaker • Glazer • Leatherworker • Potter • Stone crafter • Strand extractor • Wax worker • Weaver • Wood crafter
Engineer - Mechanic • Pump operator • Siege engineer • Siege operator
Administrator - Appraiser • Building designer • Organizer • Record keeper
Military: General - Archer • Armor user • Biter • Dodger • Fighter • Kicker • Shield user • Striker • Wrestler
Military: Weapon - Axeman • Blowgunner • Bowman • Crossbowman • Hammerman • Knife user • Lasher • Maceman • Misc. object user • Pikeman • Spearman • Swordsman • Thrower
Military: Other - Leader • Observer • Student • Teacher
Social: Broker - Comedian • Conversationalist • Flatterer • Intimidator • Judge of intent • Liar • Negotiator • Persuader
Social: Other - Concentration • Consoler • Pacifier
Other - Alchemist • Knapper • Swimmer

List of people interested in running the game (job preferences in brackets)
Loony BoB (Miner)
Marshall Banana
Dignified Pauper
Iceglow (Marksdwarf/Hunter)
Quin (Doctor)

List of other people who want a dwarf (job preferences in brackets)
eternal essence (Building Designer/Doctor)
Demon Dude (Broker)
DK (Military)
I'm my own MILF
I Took the Red Pill (Broker/Farmer)
Vζrn (Brewer)

The first seven dwarves will (effectively) have 10 points to spend on skills and no more than 5 can be spent on any one skill. So if you want to increase in a specific skill, say so in this thread. We will get more dwarves over the years who will have set skills - if you aren't one of the first seven dwarves then we will try to get you a dwarf that looks somewhat like what you were after, however there are no guarantees whatsoever in that regard (or even in the opening stages if multiple people want the same things).

Ideally we'll be wanting someone to take on the following key positions...
Miner - We'll want a couple of people to have 5 points on this. I (BoB) will happily be one of them given the opportunity. I like to dig. =]
Grower - To grow stuff so we can eat/drink.
Brewer - Dwarves quite literally need alcohol to survive.
Building designer - Kind of self explanatory, there.
Broker - Someone to talk to the elves who will stop by with their caravans and sells us things. A fairly important role that will be a definite starter.
Record Keeper - Without a record keeper, we can't keep records. And that means we can't see our stock screen.
Carpenter - Wood guy. Needed for things like beds and buckets, which are important.
Mason - Stone guy. Needed for things like good stairs, doors and furniture, which are important.
Mechanic - Trap guy. Needed for trapping things. Also for a bunch of other stuff, but for the early stages, I think it's mostly traps.
Doctor - Obvious job is obvious.

07-10-2011, 01:27 PM
I'd be interested in general :3

07-10-2011, 01:31 PM
I'm a girl who just can't say no.

Loony BoB
07-10-2011, 08:35 PM
Monda let me know she's interested and said Necro probably will be too, so that's enough people to run it. Any ideas on mods or locations or anything like that? I've got no experience at all with mods and have little experience when it comes to locations (I generally go for hillside + lava + river because I'm a newbie).

07-10-2011, 08:56 PM
I don't think there's any need for mods if it's a game for people of all abilities.

07-11-2011, 03:04 AM
Why would you build a fortress out of dwarves?

Dignified Pauper
07-11-2011, 05:39 AM
YES PLEASE! I can devote 1 game year!

07-11-2011, 08:08 AM
Oh I'll definitely play, was me saying we need to do a new one would be rude not to. I've also learnt a few new tricks so I can build things better. Though my experience of playing 2010 onwards is still small.

Loony BoB
07-11-2011, 09:22 AM
Okay, so with us having enough people interested in this, let's focus on how we should play it and what you guys want to be. Also, who wants to play first? I'm not hugely keen on being the first in the play through as I need something to screw up, and screwing up in the first year would be a pretty miserable way to go. ;) But if nobody else wants to start, well, okay (this is where you volunteer, person reading this).

I'm keen on being a Blacksmith/Miner. So I'll probably want stats put heavily towards blacksmith and extremely lightly towards miner, because the miner stats will inevitably rocket up anyway. :p

List of jobs
Miner - Miner
Woodworker - Bowyer • Carpenter • Wood cutter
Stoneworker - Engraver • Mason
Ranger - Ambusher • Animal caretaker • Animal dissector • Animal trainer • Trapper
Doctor - Bone doctor • Crutch-walker • Diagnostician • Surgeon • Suturer • Wound dresser
Farmer - Beekeeper • Brewer • Butcher • Cheese maker • Cook • Dyer • Grower • Herbalist • Lye maker • Milker • Miller • Potash maker • Presser • Shearer • Soaper • Spinner • Tanner • Thresher • Wood burner
Fishery Worker - Fish cleaner • Fish dissector • Fisherdwarf
Metalsmith - Armorsmith • Furnace operator • Metal crafter • Blacksmith • Weaponsmith
Jeweler - Gem cutter • Gem setter
Craftsdwarf - Bone carver • Clothier • Glassmaker • Glazer • Leatherworker • Potter • Stone crafter • Strand extractor • Wax worker • Weaver • Wood crafter
Engineer - Mechanic • Pump operator • Siege engineer • Siege operator
Administrator - Appraiser • Building designer • Organizer • Record keeper
Military: General - Archer • Armor user • Biter • Dodger • Fighter • Kicker • Shield user • Striker • Wrestler
Military: Weapon - Axeman • Blowgunner • Bowman • Crossbowman • Hammerman • Knife user • Lasher • Maceman • Misc. object user • Pikeman • Spearman • Swordsman • Thrower
Military: Other - Leader • Observer • Student • Teacher
Social: Broker - Comedian • Conversationalist • Flatterer • Intimidator • Judge of intent • Liar • Negotiator • Persuader
Social: Other - Concentration • Consoler • Pacifier
Other - Alchemist • Knapper • Swimmer

I'll edit the first post to have a bunch of stuff for people who don't know what's going on - anyone on staff can feel free to edit in anything else they feel is appropriate.

Quindiana Jones
07-11-2011, 12:56 PM
I'm not gonna lie: I have literally no idea what this is about. I'm going through the wiki now. Anyone offer me the Cliff Notes? :)

Loony BoB
07-11-2011, 01:00 PM
I don't know what "Cliff Notes" are, but basically it's a game where you control some dwarves who arrive at a location with the intention of settling. They have to do everything they can to survive, from growing plants, brewing alcohol, trading, mining, healing, etc. etc. Usually, it ends badly (eventually).

07-11-2011, 01:07 PM
I have no idea what this is but I like the sound of the Broker. Specifically the 'flatterer' and the 'comedian' skills. :aimkiss:

Quindiana Jones
07-11-2011, 01:18 PM
Ta, BoB. Screw it. I'm in. Sorry for when I cock up and kill everybody. :) Personally, I like the Diagnostician best, purely for the various House references I would like to make. xD

Loony BoB
07-11-2011, 01:21 PM
Doctor, then. =]

EDIT: Ahahahaha, Doctor Quin. I hope like hell it's a female character.

Quindiana Jones
07-11-2011, 01:38 PM
Didn't even think of that. Yes, yes it will be.

I'm having issues downloading the damn thing, at the moment. :(

EDIT: Wait, no. We're good. This place is confusing as hell.

07-11-2011, 03:01 PM
Cliffnotes: Dwarf Fortress - Boatmurdered (http://lparchive.org/Dwarf-Fortress-Boatmurdered/)

Alternatively: Dwarf Fortress - Syrupleaf (http://lparchive.org/Dwarf-Fortress-Syrupleaf/) (I did a bit that was supposed to be in here but it never was put in here :( I had an adventure!)

Cliffnotes 3: Townbrush.txt (http://www.mediafire.com/?n9s8xx65yggz9x8) (I know it's a download but it's a .txt file, it's cool)

All of these are worthy and hilarious reads.

Also I think the best bet is never let people choose their roles. Simply because it's fine picking roles in theory but then when it actually comes to migration, you'll get a wave of 10 potash makers or something.

Loony BoB
07-11-2011, 03:23 PM
Yeah, that's why I said it's no given that you'll actually get the roles. They're merely preferences. I imagine whoever starts this show off will make the final call on anything like that.

Quindiana Jones
07-11-2011, 03:25 PM
But Dr. Quin! It's not lupus!

07-11-2011, 03:29 PM
I wouldn't mind generating the world and picking a site. Simply because last time I played DF I hand-picked a site right next to a Goblin civilization that was led, and I shit you not, by a giant warthog demon made of snow. It was fun when that came a-knockin'. (Fell apart after one hit. Turns out snow isn't very strong :p)

Loony BoB
07-11-2011, 03:38 PM
Wow, how crap would you feel if you were a snow demon. MAG 255, VIT 1. :(

Go for it. Start it up now! I can't wait!

EDIT: Also, I'm told that your name change is an official one, in which case, we don't have Doctor Quin, we have Doctor Hatt. :(

07-11-2011, 03:47 PM
***Download Link***

DFFD - File: Lazy Newb Pack [0.31.25] [V9.2] (http://dffd.wimbli.com/file.php?id=2801)

Lazy newb pack. Has all the graphics, additional utilities etc installed.

Loony BoB
07-11-2011, 03:49 PM
Additional utilities?

EDIT: Oh, I can actually follow the link. I wasn't expecting that at work. xD

EDIT AGAIN: Ahaha, DFInit. "Dwarf Fortress, innit?"

Quindiana Jones
07-11-2011, 03:54 PM
Wow, how crap would you feel if you were a snow demon. MAG 255, VIT 1. :(

Go for it. Start it up now! I can't wait!

EDIT: Also, I'm told that your name change is an official one, in which case, we don't have Doctor Quin, we have Doctor Hatt. :(

For the purpose of Dwarf Fortress, if I am a Doctor, I am Doctor Quin. :D

Dignified Pauper
07-11-2011, 04:17 PM
I play vanilla only bitches. And stonesense, which, do we know if it's working yet for the newest version?

07-11-2011, 04:20 PM
I would like to be a misc. object user that sounds like the kind of guy who will be the cornerstone of the dwarf military.

07-11-2011, 04:21 PM
I want to be a dwarf. Any sort of dwarf.

07-11-2011, 04:37 PM
I play vanilla only bitches. And stonesense, which, do we know if it's working yet for the newest version?I'm using vanilla to gen it. The only mod I am adding is that I am removing the exotic animal tags simply because I want war leopards. Also I think it is, although stonesense does not work on my PC.

Loony BoB
07-11-2011, 04:41 PM
I'll use a custom tileset and that's probably about it. That DF Therapist thing looks interesting though, I might use that in a game of my own to try it out. If all it does is make it easier to go through menus, that's fine by me.

07-11-2011, 05:25 PM
DF Therapist is a lot easier to use, yeah. I would also recommend using Stonesense to take screenshots!

I generated a world. May have a problem though. There are only 10 living Dwarves in it. Vafo Lurkhustled the Impure Silence the Lizard Demon clawed his way out of Hell itself, and showed up at a civilization of humans. This civilization of humans worship a few gods, one of them in the form of a dragon. Our friend Vafo is like "hey, 'sup, that's me." and they believed it. He then led them on a campaign which led to the extinction of the Elves and the utter massacre of the Dwarves.

I'll try again. :shobon:

Madame Adequate
07-11-2011, 06:28 PM


Also Paul what are you on, that world was perfect!

I Took the Red Pill
07-11-2011, 06:52 PM
Here to offer my skills an an Intimidator and/or Liar

edit: oh if demon dude is already a Broker and we don't need more I can throw on my overalls and be a farmer if need be

07-11-2011, 07:03 PM
If I could be a surgeon that would be preferable, but if 1 doctor is enough for now then can you make me a Building Designer?

Obviously I aim to be a highly paid dwarf.

EDIT: Yeah, screw it, just put me down for building designer. I have shaky hands anyway, you don't want me coming at you with poorly crafted scalpels.

07-11-2011, 10:19 PM
Like before, I want to be a marksdwarf. If I need a civilian job I guess it would be hunting since this utilizes my crossbow, killing 2 birds with one stone. First, if we need food at the start I can hunt this will also give me exp using my crossbow which when activated as a marksdwarf should continue over. Of course, once I hit champion forget the idea of me hunting anything less than Kobold thieves!

Loony BoB
07-12-2011, 06:48 PM
So, Psy, you starting? What kind of surroundings you going for? =o

07-12-2011, 06:52 PM
I'm trying. The problem is, Dwarves keep fucking being wiped out during the world generation. I think I need to do a little bit of modding to toughen them up. :lol:

Loony BoB
07-12-2011, 07:09 PM
During world generation? Is there no setting for dwarf population? You'd think that'd be something they'd put in. xD Oh well.

EDIT: Try decreasing the number of beasts in the world, there's a setting for that and a quick read says...

Number of Beasts
This controls the number of megabeasts such as dragons, titans, etc, that exist at the beginning of the world. They can later die (get killed) due to historical events, so the longer the history the more likely some of these will die.

The number of beasts does not appear to impact how often your fortress will be attacked by beasts in fortress mode. In adventure mode it means it will be easier to find more megabeasts. If set very low then you may actually run out of beasts during a game.

Since beasts can attack civilizations, more beasts may reduce the population of the world a little bit.

EDIT: Alternatively, try aiming for a younger world so they don't have a chance to wipe out everyone.

07-12-2011, 07:16 PM
Hmmm... what should Vaern be? A brewer, perhaps? Anybody who wants ale will have to worship me and swear their undying loyalty. In a dwarf colony I'll be able to ascend to godhood in no time flat :D

07-12-2011, 07:16 PM
I set it so that Dwarves are friendly chaps who don't want to hurt anyone and won't go around punching dragons and whatnot. And live for 600 years. ...and there's still only 79 left or something. It'll do. We can roleplay our fort as the last desperate hope of the Dwarves.

Loony BoB
07-12-2011, 07:45 PM
Nice. I don't even know how you check population, in all honesty. I mean, there's "Historic figures" and "Dead" - do you just go by that or something?

07-12-2011, 09:46 PM

The year is 522. Grovegates, the Mountain Halls belonging to the civilization known as the Solitary Axe, is the last great bastion of Dwarvenkind in the world of Eyesonia. The years have not been kind to the stout and industrious creatures who live deep beneath the Earth. Dragons, titans, and other beasts have rampaged against the Dwarven strongholds, seeking jewels and riches. The other great Dwarven halls, Exit Granite, fell to a rebellion of Elven slaves, and is now ruled by Goblins.

The other civilizations have thrived. The Elves find peace and shelter in their forest retreats, living as one with nature. The Humans have spread far and wide, with hamlets and forts dotting the countryside. And the Goblins... the foul Goblins. There are two great Dark Fortresses on the face of Eyesonia. And they are both ruled over by terrors that make even the hardiest Dwarf's blood run cold. Bazsa and Baktur. Brother and sister, some might say. Towering skinless iguanas, their gaunt bodies twisted into humanoid form. The Goblins worship them as Gods, for truly, that is what they are.

King Likot, having ascended to the throne two years ago, has seen the Doom of his people before him. Dwarvenkind must be preserved. A brave expedition of 7 Dwarves strikes out North, into the unchartered wilderness, where the stars are strange and the beasts are unknown. The last hope of Dwarvenkind. They are the Solitary Axe, in more ways than one.

Strike the mothersmurfin' Earth!

Extra info etc:


This is a political map, of sorts. There are two civilizations of the main species, Elf, Dwarf, Humans and Goblins, represented by the patterned squares. Elves are yellowish, Goblins are green, Humans blue and Dwarves red. As you can see, the Dwarves are not flourishing, with just two squares in the mountains.

There are two Dwarven civs, but only one has any Dwarves left. That is the north-east one, and the one I hope we will play as. The other has had Elves, Humans and Goblins as its leader and is entirely populated by these three species, and yet they still call themselves a Dwarven civilization. They're something of a cultural melting pot, really! I hope we don't get that assigned as ours, as, well... they're not smurfing Dwarves!

Yes the two Goblin civs are both led by Iguana Monsters. I am excited by this.

These are the Gods of our civilization, if you care:

Etur, deity: metals
Doren Spineiron, deity: mountains, volcanos
Esrel, deity: wealth, fortresses, war, victory
Avuz, deity: jewels, minerals
Kesh, deity: fishing
G’smer, deity: the night
Bocash the Evil Midnight of Scraps, deity: jealousy
Lemis, deity: salt, oceans, rivers, fish, oaths, laws, order
Asiz the Light of Rays, deity: day
Bis’l the Butterfly of Saturninity, deity: silence

They all take the form of Dwarves, which is boring. I like it when you have like, 7 Dwarf Gods and one who is like, randomly a parrot or something. Oh well.

Penguin populations:
6432 giant penguins
18090 penguin men
11658 emperor penguins
11256 little penguins
10452 penguins

Also importantly:
8040 walruses :D

There are only 21 pandas, though, and BoB, I am sorry to say, but mooses? 25 of them. :( On the plus side, though:

114 giant moose
210 moose men

So that's slightly better!

Loony BoB
07-12-2011, 10:03 PM
Surroundings! Surroundings! Neutral or Evil? Forest or mountainside? Magma? =o I can't wait! :excited:

Madame Adequate
07-12-2011, 11:01 PM

Loony BoB
07-12-2011, 11:15 PM
On a sidenote, I keep trying to start this game using the Lazy Newb Pack and after spending ages finding the right location, setting up my dwarves, naming my place and everything... for the second time running, it just... isn't running. After hitting 'e' it just is "Not Responding" for a very, very long time. I swear this didn't happen when I just lazily punched in random things a couple of nights ago. :( I wonder if I'm doing something wrong.

EDIT: Tried a 'raw' DF install and it worked without problem so I'm just gonna have to do it all the old fashioned way, one mod and/or graphic pack at a time.

07-13-2011, 07:54 AM
Oh man, I want to ride a Giant Moose!

07-13-2011, 04:37 PM
On a sidenote, I keep trying to start this game using the Lazy Newb Pack and after spending ages finding the right location, setting up my dwarves, naming my place and everything... for the second time running, it just... isn't running. After hitting 'e' it just is "Not Responding" for a very, very long time. I swear this didn't happen when I just lazily punched in random things a couple of nights ago. :( I wonder if I'm doing something wrong.

EDIT: Tried a 'raw' DF install and it worked without problem so I'm just gonna have to do it all the old fashioned way, one mod and/or graphic pack at a time.You might have inadvertently embarked somewhere with an underground lava waterfall filled with a billion monsters.

Also will hopefully have my turn done (and the thread updated) by Monday at the latest. Obviously I will do it in installments.

Quindiana Jones
07-14-2011, 02:27 PM
I'm so confused right now. But I liked the history, so...there's that.


Loony BoB
07-14-2011, 02:31 PM
Got DF working using that Lazy Newbie thing last night and had a pretty good run. Before I knew it, I had 40 dwarves and was suffering 0 attacks, so I think I need to spend a bit more time in a more difficult area or something. But yeah, one thing I need to get the hang of now is the new military setup because it's extremely lacking in anything that resembles "user-friendly".

Dignified Pauper
07-14-2011, 04:23 PM
yeah, I still don't understand military AT ALL. Looks like my year will be known as The Year of Marick.

Also, I want to be a doctor.

07-14-2011, 05:39 PM
Um, I read through this thread and I have absolutely no clue how to play but it sounds super interesting. What would you need me to do?

Quindiana Jones
07-14-2011, 06:13 PM
Um, I read through this thread and I have absolutely no clue how to play but it sounds super interesting. What would you need me to do?

I would also like to ask this question. xD

I have a feeling this last Dwarven hope will fail catastrophically, as all the dwarves die under the shoddy knife of Doctor Quin, Medicine Idiot.

07-14-2011, 08:04 PM
I don't think you really need to do anything. IIRC last time we did this we had new people playing it and it was funny to see what happened when they bumbled around with the settlement not knowing what the shiet was going on. I guess if you want to take part without ruining it you can just have a dwarf named after you, but ruining by not knowing what you're doing is infinitely more amusing

07-14-2011, 08:14 PM
If that's how it works then I'll sign myself up.

Madame Adequate
07-14-2011, 08:49 PM
Yeah the more of a clusterfuck Paul has to clean up the better tbh.

I would sign up to Mayor for a year but I'm an incredibly slow, boring DF player and I guarantee you nothing of interest would happen.

Also I cba.

Quindiana Jones
07-14-2011, 09:34 PM
I'm just confused as to what my input is. What am I supposed to do exactly? EXACTLY.

07-14-2011, 09:56 PM
Huxley, you'd be good as a kinda mid clusterfuck bounce, too much clusterfucking could lead to a premature end of the fortress. I think you ought to come in at least for a year.

I need to get some more practice in big time, I won't go second I know enough about coping with the fortress problems to try and keep it running in the middle of a clusterfuck but hell going second right after Paul sets up an awesome fortress is just piling pressure on me. Unless Paul wants me to go second so I can help continue expanding the fortress to full size?

07-14-2011, 10:13 PM
I want to be a comedian.

07-15-2011, 04:13 AM
I want to be a comedian.

Yeah... you'll be the first to go.

Loony BoB
07-15-2011, 09:23 AM
Comedians make for good miners and soldiers. Purely on the basic rule of "if you don't have a labour specialty, you're a miner or a soldier."

Also, I hate the new fey mood thing. I never have enough crap on my test game to allow for the dwarf to get everything he needs, and if you don't get it done, it's guaranteed suicide. In my game, Booker (Record Keeper) and RSL (Legendary Carpenter/Woodcutter) both fasted themselves until they died because I didn't have enough bones, cloth and leather. I had no idea they suicide until I read up on it after RSL did the same thing Booker did (which I thought was a bug - I had no idea Booker was in a strange mood earlier). I need to get a couple of hunters to slaughter crap and get cloth, leather and bones for me. =|

07-15-2011, 03:05 PM
time for me to stop procrastinating the getting some practice in and to get some damn practice in!

07-15-2011, 09:15 PM
I am willing to screw up a year on the behalf of the team. Now let me see if running the most recent build is going to cause any problems...

Also, got a dwarf with some generic name? No longer because I just volunteered to be named. I would like to die an ambitious death instead of having gone insane.

07-16-2011, 01:52 AM
I have played through my year. I will type it all up on the morrow. It's hard doing the first year, as you can't really do anything crazy and so it's not so funny. Oh well!

I can exclusively reveal that our fortress's name is... Spoonproblems. Oh yes.

It's in the middle of a winter wonderland, so there's snow and the river is frozen. :jess: Not a lot really happened. Had a surprising amount of migrants, so the fortress numbers 17 exactly... which is the exact amount of posters in this thread! So yeah, everyone who posted here is now Dwarfed. And the overwhelming majority of you have not been given your chosen role, because I don't give a smurf. :cool: Also because I had a fortress to build and most of you came with useless skills and wanted your Dwarves to learn other useless skills. I can't be bothered to try to train doctors/marksdwarves/etc in the first year of a fortress, so I sent you off to the mason labour camps. All that hard work at least made you guys stronger! The next player can indulge you though, I'm sure. :p

Speaking of, decide who takes the game on next while I get my post/s ready I guess.

07-16-2011, 03:05 AM
I did suggest training me as a hunter initially which could obviously get us some good food depending on the local animal supplies. Of course, being a hunter in year one can also get you killed pretty easily and ties up some sap making bolts for your crossbow.

Also noted in my own play through, you cannot embark with crossbows as a weapon (unless I suppose you go with marksdwarf?) in the items part of your embarking pack. So now it needs someone to make them outta wood or other materials once in the world.

Loony BoB
07-16-2011, 07:45 AM
Time to give the game to someone who has no idea what's going on, so they can learn the basics while it's still good.

On a sidenote, my DF game went from 87 dwarves to 0 in one attack (although three dwarves who couldn't stand took forever to die of thirst). Losing is fun!

07-16-2011, 09:08 AM
I wanna be a dwarf! :)

07-16-2011, 03:43 PM
From the journal of noble hero Psychotic, saviour of the Dwarven people...

Spring, 525

Home, sweet home. A full-sized map of the area.

Spring. This... this is spring? It's not. It's incredibly smurfing not. "Go North", the King had said. "Safe from the Iguana demons and their Goblin thralls". Right now I would honestly rather have one of those Iguana freaks spewing its dust all over me than spend another minute in this frozen wasteland. Nobody knows what mysteries the North holds. Gold, silver, and jewels, suggest some, seeking wealth. Iron, steel and coal say the ones who want power. Others suggest there are longlost members of our kin thriving in hidden cities up here. There is one thing, and one thing only up here. Snow. Lots and lots of smurfing snow. There is a reason people do not go north.

I'm part of an expedition of seven Dwarves. "Seven Dwarves... each to match a colour of the rainbow!" said the King. Yeah. One too many Goblin hammers to the head.

Here's a list of our Rainbow Dwarves and our skills:

Adequate Comedian
Adequate Judge of Intent
Competent Record Keeper
Competent Appraiser
Novice Organizer

Lonny BoB
Proficient Miner
Proficient Mechanic
Proficient Miner
Competent Building Designer
Competent Mason
Competent Misc Object User
Competent Cook
Novice Animal Caretaker
Novice Fish Cleaner
Novice Soaper
Novice Consoler
Demon Dude
Proficient Wood Cutter
Proficient Carpenter
Red Pill
Proficient Farmer
Proficient Brewer
Competent Diagnostician
Novice Surgeon
Novice Bone Doctor
Novice Suturer
Adequate Wound Dresser
Adequate Brewer

Not too bad. Although... our Doctor... Quin... also brews alcohol for a living? That's going to end well. That's going to end very, very well. Remind me never to get injured.

With the site for Spoonproblems (Don't even ask about the name. We lost a bet) settled, the only thing to do was to decide who was in charge.


Me. Because I am so smurfing great. :cool: And I have the most organized mind. This way I can do all of the administrative tasks like stock taking and keeping records, and not to do any heavy lifting or dying. I am a genius!

I had a look over our supplies. Here's our food:

3 prepared Yak spleens.
A barrel full of prepared dragonfly brains.
Mountain Goat sweetbread
2 Turtles
Hoary marmot tripe
3 Prepared Musk Ox eyes
17 prepared Badger Men lungs.
5 Prepared Red-Winged Blackbird Brains.

...yeah. what the smurf. I just. What.



Pike and Lonny BoB began to dig into the earth, as there are no mountains here and only a small hill. They are making a ramp, made of ice. I call it the super fun happy slide. I figure nothing bad could possibly come of using a super slippery slope as our way of climbing up and down thousands of feet.

Anyway, we need protection, and a hole in the ground doesn't offer much. Winter is coming. I ordered a wall to be built. The ground beneath us right now is ice and soil - not much use for making a wall. Luckily we had brought 65 oak logs with us.

Demon Dude began to hack more trees down while BoB and Pike dug deep into the earth. You can see me, Quin and Red Pill struggling to put up the smurfing wall. Have you ever put up a wooden wall in the middle of a blizzard? Yeah. It came up to our beards.

There is also a bizarre patch of ground right outside the fortress. No snow touches it, and flowers grow. DK has taken to calling it "Maine Road" and spends long periods of time standing in it for warmth. DK won't let anyone into the magical flower patch, screaming "Don't fight in Maine Road, you'll trample the flowers!!" at the boistourous Dwarves.


The wall is up and BoB and Pike have now begun to dig a defensive moat at the front. The Wall will be the last defence of our realm against the horrors of the frozen north.

Demon Dude has been making barrels and beds, while Quin, DK and myself have been hauling supplies in. Red Pill has begun to plan seeds to grow crops. He has been using our rubbish and waste to fertilise the crops. He seemed to think it was smurfing hilarious to rub turtle remains all over my nice dog leather hood.


Now all the smurfing cats have adopted me and won't stop following me about! ...yeah, I'm the fortress's crazy cat lady. :|

07-16-2011, 04:07 PM
Did the King really send 7 dwarves to form the Night Watch? Really? And we have to build the wall ourselves? Winter is coming and the last line of defense is us, a patchwork wall and Maine Road. The land is screwed beyond belief.


07-16-2011, 04:23 PM
Proficient Miner
Competent Building Designer
Competent Mason

I've got this, you guys. All of my practice in Minecraft and Terraria has led up to this moment.

07-16-2011, 04:36 PM
5 Brits and a New Zealander? D:

We're so smurfed.

champagne supernova
07-16-2011, 05:02 PM
Why does yours look relatively good (like Warcraft 2) while my game looks like cat vomit?

EDIT: If cat vomit was made out of ASCII characters.

Quindiana Jones
07-16-2011, 05:06 PM
The alcohol acts as an antiseptic, a painkiller, and a reward for not dying. Good patients only!

Also, I live on Maine Road. Dan and I have a bizarre sixth sense when it comes to facts about each others' lives.

EDIT: Since I'm a total novice and still have no idea what's going on, there are two options: leave me to handle it last and watch the efforts of your hard work collapse beneath my colossal incomptence or; let me go next and watch the minor efforts of Paul's work collapse beneath my colossal incomptence. The best case scenario is that I go next and nothing happens other than a few dwarves starving.

07-16-2011, 05:24 PM
From the journal of noble hero Psychotic, saviour of the Dwarven people...

Summer, 525


Here I am, in my brand new office. I say office, it's more like... a hole. In the wall. Fantastic. You can also see DK slaving away in the kitchens, preparing delightful cooked treats for us all.

Pardon me for being a traditionalist, but isn't Summer supposed to be, oh, I don't know, not a snow-filled abomination where your piss doesn't end up freezing to your mighty dwarven staff the moment you let fly? It's still cold. smurf me. The rest of my life is going to be spent here.


Lonny BoB and Pike have finished the ditch at the front of the fort. That should keep most nasties at bay...unless they have the ability to jump more than 5 feet, but if Dwarves can't do it, then surely no other species can! There is a drawbridge that can be raised in times of great peril.


They've now begun work on the Great Hall. This shall be a thing of beauty and I will be remembered for this for years to come!

The lever that controls the bridge was installed in the Great Hall. The miners have also discovered a beautiful scarlet covered stone called red tourmaline. I used the entirity of our supply to have this message engraved on the walls in huge letters, for the attention of certain future fortress runners who will remain nameless:

Is the fortress under attack ? Pull the lever in the Great Hall. There is a lever in the Great Hall. Pull it. Pull the lever in the Great Hall if the fortress is under attack. Pull. The. Lever. Pull the lever (it's in the Great Hall). Did you know there's a lever in the Great Hall? No? PULL THE smurfER. STOP READING THIS. PULL THE smurfING LEVER THAT IS IN THE smurfING GREAT HALL YOU GOD DAMN USELESS CLOD OF DIRT OR WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! LONNY. smurfING. BOB. PULL. THE. GOD. DAMN. LEVER.

I think that adequately conveyed the message. :shobon:


Two great horrors converged on our fortress today.


You might not be able to tell what it is from this picture, but that, my friends, is a herd of what Quin identified as "Capy-Baras". I have drawn a picture of them:


No doubt these are bloodthirsty monstrosities of the north, out to feed on our bones. You better believe I pulled the god damn lever. I aint going down in history as the guy who lost a fortress to Capy-Baras.

However, the Capy-Baras turned away and began to head towards something else coming over the horizon...



I had a most heartening conversation with one, a mohawked little dwarf by the name of Iceglow.

"Yeah yeah" he said. "Me name's Iceglow, innit? I'm from LANDAHN! Let me hug your knees!"
"London? Is that some poncey little Elven town?"
"Nah nah, see in Spoonproblems you settle your disputes with levers, whereas in LANDAHN we settle them with crossbows!"
"So you're a marksdwarf? Excellent. We've been plagued by "Capy-Baras" lately."
"Nawwwww pawl naaaaaawwww. I clean da fish! I clean fish at HMV in LANDAHN the busiest street in the Solitary Axe!"
"Alright. Have fun getting your fish out of the frozen river you useless sack of turnips."
"Yeah, well, I shagged your mum. Hehehe!"

I hope he dies first.

Along with him we had the equally useful I'm my own MILF, who makes cheese, Vζrn, who shears sheep, and eternal essence, who is a tanner. Seeing as how we have no cows to milk, no sheep to shear and no sunlight from which you can get a tan, I put them on commode duty. Useless smurfers. Marshall Banana, a stoneworker, also arrived with them. She was the only moderately useful one.

I can see why they were sent here. 5 more worthless mouths to feed. And winter is coming. We're all going to die.

07-16-2011, 06:13 PM
Wood cutter and carpenter. rofl.

Madame Adequate
07-16-2011, 06:23 PM
Ahahaha Paul you are a diamond :save: Also what are the cavern settings etc? Also also, be sure those are just regular capybaras and not the feared were-capybaras.

07-16-2011, 07:35 PM
From the journal of noble hero Psychotic, saviour of the Dwarven people. Or at least a duck. And that's something.

Autumn, 525


fire_of_avalon - Weaver
Genius Lynx - Fish Cleaner
Jessweeee - Cheese Maker
Angelwings8 - Peasant
Dignified Pauper - Tanner

You may recall in our previous immigration wave we had others belonging to the Fish Cleaning, Cheese Making and Tanning professions. You may also recall how useless I said they were. I honestly think the Gods (or the game...) are trying to spite me here.

foa, Jessweeee and Lynx were sent off to mass produce tables, chairs, doors and whatnot, or else haul the damn things. AngelWings8 had some military skills, so she and DK have now formed the Mighty Spoonproblems Army. Consisting of two people with absolutely no weapons or armour. Fantasico.

Marick refused to do anything useful with the rocks he was issued with, stating that he was an artist.


He produced a whole mountain of this crap. :|


Love is in the air!

That's right, I am in LOVE! I would never have thought it. Her curly hair, so alike to a pubic mane, drives me wild! Oh, and that rustic accent, oh baby, that makes my spoon have problems if you get what I mean! Today, me and Quin officially became lovers! :love:

We followed on the footsteps of DK and Red Pill, who also announced that they were lovers. I think all this love has blossomed because we have seen the example set by a migrant married couple.


Iceglow and MILF! They sleep together and spoon each night. It's adorable! God bless them both!

I woud like to state that no, I did not plan this. I assigned all the new Dwarves named and then was very confused when Huxley and Steve insisted on sleeping together. I'm not going to deny I'm greatly amused by this pairing, though. :)



I wasn't very upset when Vζrn brought me the news that a Water Buffalo had starved to death. I didn't even know we had a Water Buffalo. I went up to the surface to examine the carcass for myself (and perhaps choose the choicest cut) when I discovered this grisly scene.


Frozen dog blood smurfing everywhere. All of our dogs were standing around in a huddle, sporting a variety of injuries, both in location and severity. What. The. smurf! They're still alive, but they're not in a good way.

My first thought was that the cursed Capy-Baras had finally made their move, and had brutally assaulted the poor canines, but I was informed by AngelWings8 that the horrible fiends had not been seen for months.

In all honesty, I do not know what caused our dogs to get horribly mangled. I have a theory that because they were all standing around outside, the coldness made their skin crack and the bloodloss caused the injuries and the mess, but I don't know for certain. I ordered them all back inside.


Traders! Traders and an Outpost Liason from Grovegates have come!

I immediately offloaded a veritable mountain of Dignified Pauper's crappy trinkets onto them, as well as a couple of majestic prepared meals made by DK. As you can imagine, the meals were worth a good deal more.

We made some good buys. I bought a lot of meat, as we've now eaten our original supply (don't remind me, ugh) as some turkey eggs. I've also bought two steel anvils and another pick.

Oh, and a duck. I like ducks. :)

The Outpost Liason asked what we wanted for next year. He gave me a big long list of available goods, from metals to meats, from jewels to jeans, and tools to trinkets.


While tools and metals may be useful, and while we could always use more food, there was only one thing I had my heart set on. I asked for guinea cocks. Lots and lots of guineacocks. Heh heh, cocks. :hahaha:

Why does yours look relatively good (like Warcraft 2) while my game looks like cat vomit?

EDIT: If cat vomit was made out of ASCII characters.I think my newer screenshots are more fitting with what you have, no? I use StoneSense for the pretty Isometric ones. It's a viewer, so you can't play the game through it and it doesn't necessarily show everything, which is why I revert out of it sometimes.

Ahahaha Paul you are a diamond :save: Also what are the cavern settings etc? Also also, be sure those are just regular capybaras and not the feared were-capybaras.Danke schon. I....have no idea :shobon: I left them default, I was just getting so frustrated with world gen that I could not be bothered to mess with the settings all over again. Also I think they're regular ones. I hope they're regular ones. ...actually what am I saying? I hope they bite the whole bloody lot of us.

07-16-2011, 08:20 PM
We followed on the footsteps of DK and Red Pill, who also announced that they were lovers.


07-16-2011, 08:45 PM
Did I miss something? I thought cave-ins could happen if a room gets bigger than 5x5 with no support. I remembered this one time I was completely renovating a mountainside to turn into a veritable garden paradise, when a few of my dwarves decided to clear a cliffside before they took off the layer on top. They created a brittle crust of land upon which they then began to work upon and it broke. My whole screen was smoke and rock chunks. Bloody rock chunks. In honor of them, I flooded the area with a stagnant lake and used the land to produce strawberries.

Madame Adequate
07-16-2011, 08:53 PM

I Took the Red Pill
07-16-2011, 10:39 PM
God I love these threads. And apparently Kyono, as well

07-17-2011, 12:00 AM
From the journal of noble hero Psychotic, saviour of the Dwarven people. Or at least Marick. And that's... quite shameful really :redface:

Winter, 525

Nothing really eventful happened in Winter, I just finished off my construction projects. My time at Spoonproblems is at an end, but first I'll show you what I have created.


The Great Hall. Why yes, it is two storeys high. :smug: It is indeed a thing of beauty, I feel.


The brand new Dwarven hospital, all stocked up and ready to treat the sick. Thankfully it has not had any patients yet, but that's not going to last forever!


The Barracks. There's training rooms and equipment storage spaces in the larger rooms at the bottom, and then individual bedrooms for soldiers at the top. Make sure you only assign these to soldiers! Lynxie is in there because he is AngelWings8's spouse.


The apartment complex for the Dwarves. Each one has a bed and a cabinet. This one houses 48 and is fully furnished, so we'll be good for a while yet. I also dug out another one right beneath it, although I haven't furnished it.

What are MILF and Iceglow up to? It is better not to ask.


The Wall, The Bridge, Maine Road. Long may beautiful Spoonproblems stand.


Future Rulers:

My aim was to get some sort of basic infrastructure in place. We can feed and house many more Dwarves now, and isolate ourselves from the outside world. Here are some things you may want to consider.

Find a water source! There is a river in the top-right corner, and when I last looked it was frozen. Maybe it unfreezes in Summer, I don't know! Alternatively you can try digging below to find water underground. I've began an exploratory shaft right beneath the barracks. I have places safety hatches on the stairs, and doors next to the opening to the stairs, so if you find anything unpleasant down there, for god's sake seal them all off!
Workshops are kind of all over the place and don't really have the correct stockpiles next to them. I didn't have time to set them up, I just wanted to start cranking out furniture asap. You can think about making them more efficient.
Perhaps get a smelting operation in place. We sure as hell have enough wood out there. I also have two steel anvils.
Train and equip the military!
Perhaps get some crafting industries set up, so as to squeeze as much out of the caravans as possible.

Well then, step right up, who wants the fort next? Don't be shy! It's lovely... for a godforsaken hole in the ground.

07-17-2011, 12:25 AM
Haha, this is better than I expected. I'll pass on the next turn but I'm interested in doing one sooner than later. :D

07-17-2011, 03:35 AM
Oh hoho IceGlow you pimp

07-17-2011, 04:47 AM

The Barracks. There's training rooms and equipment storage spaces in the larger rooms at the bottom, and then individual bedrooms for soldiers at the top. Make sure you only assign these to soldiers! Lynxie is in there because he is AngelWings8's spouse.
AngelWings8, please treat me well.

I am volunteering Sir Topham Hatt since I believe he offered to do the job next. I have never used any of these new utilities and I want to play with them a little more.

07-17-2011, 06:02 AM
What are MILF and Iceglow up to? It is better not to ask.

OTP. Forever.

07-17-2011, 06:21 AM
AngelWings8, please treat me well.

Only if you make me a sandwich :) And get me a beer darling!

07-17-2011, 06:27 AM
AngelWings8, please treat me well.

Only if you make me a sandwich :) And get me a beer darling!

Ma'am it's spelled sammich. Were you not informed of this?

07-17-2011, 06:29 AM
I apparently didn't get the memo :p

Don't call me ma'am...it makes me feel old :cry: <cries> *cries* Make me a sammich!

Madame Adequate
07-17-2011, 06:55 AM
What are MILF and Iceglow up to? It is better not to ask.

OTP. Forever.


Also, Endwarfen Rye if you'd be so kind.

Dignified Pauper
07-17-2011, 08:30 AM
From the StoneWork Blog of Marick D. Pauper

Autumn 525:

The King said that I was needed in Spoonproblems, that there was no sense of culture and that he worried about the export of fine artistic products from the North that could generate revenue when sold to the humans who, in their quest for knowledge, wanted to adorn their homes with fine Dwarven crafts. Whatever their reason, when I asked why I couldn't simply craft art from the homeland, the council responded that, "You must experience the harsh winters of the North to truly understand what it meant to be an artist. Besides, your tanning skills are subpar." Basically, I wasn't wanted in the capital anymore. I'm bitter about that. But, We'll see what happens when i arrive.


Oh god, what did I get myself into? It's cold, miserable, and the outpost leader seems to speak incessantly about Capy-baras - a gruesome creature that arrives without warning and leaves, as if surveying. If they are truly that terrifying, I'm just going to walk out their and let them have me. Later the coyotes can tear me apart and eat me away.


I don't think anyone appreciates me around here. They gave me these cheap rocks, and they forced me to carve out ornate sculptures. I tried to create a nice rock sculpture of the horrifying Capy-baras from Psychotic's terrible painting. What an awful artist.


From his exaggerations, and the terrible picture he drew, I made a masterpiece of stonework from rock salt portraying the savage beasts. It spoke to wonders of my skill! Surely the King will look fondly upon it and one day allow me to lead this squalid outpost, and then leave!


What the hell is this obvious lever in the Great Hall? Is it really that necessary? Also, who designed these tiny rooms. An artist of my caliber deserves better! Also, people are starting to pair off. The doctor is nothing but a waste of a dwarf, but damn do they like to drink, and anyone who wants to drink that much is fine by me.

Psychotic is busy manipulating everyone into working for the better of the fortress, but I think he's doing it all wrong. Where's the stockpiles of food. Certainly the King sent us here with something more? Not to mention, booze?! What if we run out. We don't even have a supply of... ugh... fresh water to keep us going. Maybe that's a blessing in disguise. I should see if Quin has ever done anything to make distilled snow.


The Maine Road is eerie. Snow just doesn't gather in that patch. Further, it's warm!? Sometimes, when no one is looking, I sneak up there to get warm. The cold descends so far into our caves that I just want to leave. And these cold rooms don't have any space for a furnace. This was a terrible choice by our King. I bet that Psychotic guy made him pick some place exotic so that if he succeeds, he'll be famous. All I know is that this is going to get us all killed.


My god, the site of the water buffalo was truly shocking. I tried to create art from it, but it was too gruesome for my sentimental heart. Just talking about it is making me sad.


Traders came today. Turns out my trinkets and stone work was the most valuable thing made in this fortress. It secured us anvils, picks, and some food. Personally, I'd have liked to get more booze. On my wall, I've been carving up images of us all starving to death, and then scratching them out. I don't want to think what'll happen if we turn into the Donner Party I read about in human history 101.

Winter 525

OH MY GOD IT'S SO COLD. I'm never going outside.


The Great Hall is a testament, I guess, of Psychotic's leadership skills. It's an impressive display of grandeur, except that it's still cold.


I checked out the hospital looking for warmth. I think they could use some of my trinkets. I fail to think what a sad dwarf might do if, let's say they are maimed, without more decorations in their rooms. Maybe I'll create artwork about fire. Might make me feel a little warmer, as well as provide better patient care.


The barracks are so loud, and who is that Genius Lynx guy. I'd never met him before moving here, but he seems like a complete schmuck. Sometimes he sneaks into my room, we are intimate, and then he acts like I don't even exist. Maybe it's the cold, or maybe he's cold. Sigh.


Our rooms are tiny. TINY TINY TINY. I guess they help to stay warm, but where's my cozy fireplace, or my storage. This is terrible. I just want to go home!


The mote is looking nice, despite that it has no practical use. I bet those Capy-baras could jump over it. I didn't want to upset Psy, so I didn't say anything. Instead, I'm working on stonework that depict the Capy-baras over running the entire fortress.


Ugh, Spring is almost upon us, but that's irrelevant, i've yet to see no snow on the ground and I doubt that's going to change.

Summary: I'm cold, miserable and underappreciated.

07-17-2011, 04:18 PM
The barracks are so loud, and who is that Genius Lynx guy. I'd never met him before moving here, but he seems like a complete schmuck. Sometimes he sneaks into my room, we are intimate, and then he acts like I don't even exist. Maybe it's the cold, or maybe he's cold. Sigh.

In b4 Rule 34

07-17-2011, 07:17 PM
Excellently done, Marick.

In other news:

***The Save is here!***

Eyesonia.rar (http://www.mediafire.com/?qak24sffi6fc7w8)

If you don't know what to do with it, put it in Dwarf Fortress 0.31.25\data\save

Whoever wants it can have it :}

Loony BoB
07-18-2011, 11:22 AM
I'll get involved on my week off work (I have 25th-29th off). Someone else jump in! :)

EDIT: My main goal will be to move the lever and build a few more levers... in the interests of Fun.

Madame Adequate
07-19-2011, 07:00 AM






07-19-2011, 07:14 AM






You do realize that by saying that people are going to start touching the lever like their life's at stake right?

Quindiana Jones
07-19-2011, 08:33 AM
Not just their life, but the lives of all dwarves in the North.

Loony BoB
07-19-2011, 08:53 AM
What's really fun is when you get strong enemies at the same time as you get a really good immigrant - say a high master of a useful skill that is hard to improve (eg. Diagnostician, Leader, Teacher, etc) - and the bad guys go immediately after the immigrants. Especially more fun if there are about 18 immigrants because they all panic and run every which way and it becomes kind of a lottery as to which will survive. Especially if it all happens a fair distance away from wherever your military were training or whatever. :p

champagne supernova
07-19-2011, 10:41 AM
The one thing I don't understand is where all our spoons came from? We don't even have a smelter yet :confused:

Loony BoB
07-19-2011, 11:30 AM
So, is anyone gonna pick up on this thing? =o It should ideally alternate between experienced and inexperienced people, so this would be the ideal time for one of those of us out there who haven't a clue to jump in and catalogue their cock-ups.

07-19-2011, 11:37 AM
I might do it then. Give me an hour and I'll get back to you as to whether I can get it to work or not. My pc is particularly balls.

Edit: Okay I'll take the next update. This will literally be the first time I've played it so expect a clusterfuck of fail.

Loony BoB
07-19-2011, 12:22 PM
Good luck. I strongly suggest installing the Mayday graphics set (I'm assuming you've downloaded the Lazy Newb pack thing) if you want the game to be easier to understand.

07-19-2011, 12:47 PM
Before I start ... how do I use Stonesense? xD

Edit: nm I got it.

07-19-2011, 03:25 PM
Now before I begin, read this:



Right so Spoonproblems ain't really been that problematic. First year was pretty fly, stout dwarves, strong leader, nice fortress somewhere in Antarctica. But then Psy, well what'd he do? Went and left. Well it was a new age for the dwarves. I came in, ruling with an iron fist. Did the dwarves tremble?

Actually, no. They threw a smurfing party.

Real nice. Although I like how Lynx couldn't be arsed to show up and he stayed in bed. I like even more how DK is sat by himself with MILF hovering between "do I sit with the poor guy" or "rofl what an idiot." Also there are way too many dogs around so I killed most of them. Tough love, smurfers.

But I really don't know what I'm doing. At all. The dwarves just bumbled about whilst I tried my hardest to ... do something constructive. A bit fed up, I went to take a look at the outside world ... and, well. Look.


It's so purty. :jess: But really, it was the beginning of the greatest disaster to yet fall upon dwarven-kind in its incredibly short history.

I dub thee - floodgate.


When it started raining I thought nothing of it. When the smurfing great hall started flooding, I began getting a bit worried. Psy asked for water but this was just a bit of a piss take. And me in all my noob glory not knowing what the smurf is going on, I panicked. Well, I thought, at least Doctor Quin can look after any injured dwarves in the infirmary!



Although I need to say, Quin was a star of the first two months. After the party (which lasted days) he decided that illness was actually of no importance and he stood outside contemplating life for an entire month. Although, in fairness, his infirmary was inaccessible (and still is) he remains as the most qualified dwarf in Spoonproblems. Yet he just ponders. Look at him below:


Anyway the rain stopped and what you witness here is my only contribution to the development of the last two months. A dirt road in front of the gate and a small farm near a body of water. Notably, however, we have three migrants. I just named them whatever because I'm the leader so yeah. :colbert:

Dignified Pauper

And this is where I left off. I intend to make a difference next time, to do something. I don't want my year to be remembered for water damage, parties and lazy doctors.

And so I leave you with a tragic picture. A picture of The Great Hall, smurfed up by water damage.


How on Earth do I repair it?

Quindiana Jones
07-19-2011, 03:38 PM
I like that the flooded area is exactly where they were all partying. God does not approve of so much hard partying!

champagne supernova
07-19-2011, 04:38 PM
Okay, does anybody know how to make it not look like sick on a Mac? Getting most upset :(

EDIT: I did it! May Green's tutorial forgot to tell me to change the init file so graphics said Yes. It might not be a masterpiece, but at least I can look at it. I know it's a little bit late to get involved, but if you want another inexperienced player, I'll give it a shot.

07-19-2011, 05:09 PM

demon dude

you hero


also where did all the snow go? :confused:


e: you're a carpenter, right? become a Dwarven Noah and build a huge ark!

07-19-2011, 05:38 PM
I don't know what happened with the snow. Did I do something wrong? xD

And I have no idea how to build most things. You can see in the last picture that I accidentally started building a cage in the corner of the Great Hall and I don't know how to delete it.

07-19-2011, 05:45 PM
I think the snow ended up melting and that contributed to the flood.

Also I think to deconstruct it you have to press q, select the cage and there'll be an instruction on screen what to press to delete it. I think it's x but don't take my word for it.

Dignified Pauper
07-19-2011, 06:03 PM
I'm already in the fortress, you can't name ANOTHER dwarf after me!

That said, what the hell, rain and snow melting can cause FLOODS now!? I need to practice. I've yet to play.

07-19-2011, 06:27 PM
That is glorious. A party lasting days crashed by some random flash flood caused by melting snow and rain. Exactly how much rain and snow was there exactly? I now am a dwarf, I see myself dying in some random disturbing way eventually though.

07-19-2011, 07:15 PM
Imagine me as a dwarf. Yeah, thought so too.

07-19-2011, 07:33 PM
I see a small dog with a beard... interesting.

07-19-2011, 07:46 PM
I don't get this at all. :|

We're getting a lot of Migrants, but they seem, erm ... shy to say the least. Hanging around southwest of the map (which I now deem the Wonder Square district) they do smurf all. Where's the 'prod' command by any chance?


And whilst The Great Hall is under The Great Renovation, Red Pill shows real entrepreneurial spirit in these dire times. Unimpressed with the goods the pansy elves supplied for exuberant prices, Red Pill sets his own shop up.


Right next to them.

I don't know how this happened. I placed it down but I thought I deleted the construction. Apparently not. Meanwhile Laddy and Vζrn tend the farm together which is sweet. Like our own George and Lennie, just in even more depressing times and without any fit blond women to kill.

But yes, Spoonproblems is not in a good way. I attempted to fix the issue with the flooring, but nothing happened. The Carpenter, Demon Dude (woo), was halfway across the map just staring at the elves. Staring.Nothing got done and eventually The Great Hall was deserted completely by dwarven kind.


DK, of course, not fitting into Dwarven society and remaining in his room masturbating into a pair of knickers. Probably Angelwings' as it's her room too, but I heard Pike is whoring it up around the fortress so who knows?

But yeah things are dire. What's worse is that for some unknown reason they have all lost their spacial awareness and can't eat, drink or put things in their bags. They've also been reading too many books by those bloody elves because they're frolicking around outside now. Wtf have I done wrong?


So at the end of this mini session, I leave you with this list of alerts telling me people can't find the 'path'. I'm not cut out for this tit.


Anyways I'm at work tomorrow, Thursday and Friday but I'll try and keep up. I'll attempt and have my turn finished (if the dwarves survive) within a week. It's quite hard coming after Psy who is both a better player and a funnier blogger than me.

Loony BoB
07-19-2011, 08:02 PM
xD Brilliant. And don't worry about coming after Psy. This entire thing would be rather boring if it was full of people who knew exactly how to prevent/solve problems. The entertainment comes from "oops" moments like these. :D

I have no clue as to all the path-finding stuff, but I suggest if things get worse that you simply mine a new hole towards your fort and block it afterwards to prevent intruders using the same route.

Is that purple crap miasma, StoneSense style? I'm not really sure.

07-19-2011, 08:06 PM
I think only one word can describe this
~smurfing brilliant

07-19-2011, 08:08 PM
Pretty sure your attempts to repair the great hall has blocked everyone off somehow. Get rid of the repairs and that might fix it?

edit: wait a minute, what did you do to the entrance ramp? xD You have literally removed the entire floor where the ramp used to be you madman :lol:

07-19-2011, 08:12 PM
I don't know. :(

07-19-2011, 08:15 PM
Top floor press:

d -> j (downward stairway) and mine a stairwell

floor below:

d -> i (up down stairway) directly below

If needs be, d -> d to dig out a tunnel connecting your new stairs to the old area.

EDIT: http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e373/photobucketamazingness/demondude-1.png

This is what he has done. He's dug out the surface for some reason and there were underground pools just beneath the surface. This is why it has all flooded.

07-19-2011, 08:45 PM
That's crazy but it makes sense. I don't know how I managed to do that! xD

champagne supernova
07-19-2011, 09:08 PM
Oh wow, this is brilliant. At least I don't feel like I'm the only person who can't figure this game out either. Wow. Well, at least there haven't been any attacks yet.

So the EoFF: Dwarf Fortress is less a fortress and more of a pit now. Hilarious!

07-19-2011, 09:11 PM
Oh god, I have a feeling the first attack if going to be grand. Hopefully the battle is led on our side by someone who doesn't know what to do~

07-19-2011, 09:13 PM
I'm only in my third month I think. D:

champagne supernova
07-19-2011, 09:23 PM
EDIT: http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e373/photobucketamazingness/demondude-1.png

This is what he has done. He's dug out the surface for some reason and there were underground pools just beneath the surface. This is why it has all flooded.

Well I'm glad our dwarves decided to have a party because of this. I look forward to their response to a dragon entering the pit. Perhaps they'll invite him to a wedding.

07-19-2011, 09:54 PM
AngelWings8, please treat me well.

Only if you make me a sandwich :) And get me a beer darling!
Beer and sandwiches? I aim to please.

Demon Dude, I no longer feel anxious about the future of our home. You are clearly an Eyes on Final Fantasy member. Make my tomb really cool.

07-20-2011, 01:45 AM
As I said to Psychotic on XBL tonight, I'll take the next go after Demon Dude, figure since it's early and the fortress needs some serious beefing up (for example our Military is currently 2 dwarves, with no weapons or experience, our "fort" on the surface is a wooden wall and a ditch, and Demon Dude made the grand hall open to the air which can definitely be fixed easily enough, just take some patience and micro-management) If we want to get to the truly fun levels of Dwarf Fortress with Forgotten Beasts etc we really need to go digging down to find caverns, however if we find them without a strong surface fort (it'd be just our luck that BoB would be in charge, a forgotten beast would spawn in the lower reaches and a siege would strike on the surface, can't expect him to manage that well, at least with the strong surface fort he can put a marksdwarf squad in a tower to snipe down at enemies whilst the fort is sealed up)

That being said, don't expect it to be plain sailing with me beefing things up, on more than one occasion in my current "practice" fort I have either 1) not produced drinks fast enough and lost massive amounts of workers to thirst deaths, 2) caused cave in's by accident, 3) suffered losses at the hands of enemies of the fort, 4) offended the elves considerably (I accidentally offered up a wood item for trade, they got most upset and were unwilling to trade with me. I think it was a crutch/splint what snuck in to my shipment. This resulted in me angrily seizing the entire caravan's worth of goods and sending the elves packing!) resulting in their refusal to trade with me for around 2 years! So whilst year 3 would be relatively quiet if I am beefing it up (mostly you'll see new walls/rooms/production lines going in) it won't be a complete white wash, or at least I'd try to make it interesting.

Loony BoB
07-20-2011, 09:32 AM
If we want to get to the truly fun levels of Dwarf Fortress with Forgotten Beasts etc we really need to go digging down to find caverns
- Cavern found
- Enemies arrive
- Person pulls lever
- All dwarves are locked in with monsters


it'd be just our luck that BoB would be in charge
127 dwarves and counting in my little playthrough at the moment. :aimsun: I've played a lot since that "you can lock doors?" episode! And buttloads of drink/food to boot. Only problems I have are dwarves not having everything they need for a strange mood. I once got the final thing I needed for one just as the guy gave up hope. I was like "yay, finally bought some sand for my sandless empire, now he can finish off his -- oh God, where is he, oh no, he's starving himself. :(" I think I've seen the last of that, now, though... all my military are full of iron and steel, too. =]

3) suffered losses at the hands of enemies of the fort
This happened a lot with me until I made a massive number of cage traps all around my fort. My citizens casually walk out to replace cages while the enemy continues to fill them up. They don't learn quickly. Then again, this is just goblins and badgermen, not sure what something stronger would do... but there are waaaaay more other kinds of traps for them. Military guys don't train nearly fast enough in this game so I rely heavily on these traps right now.

4) offended the elves considerably (I accidentally offered up a wood item for trade, they got most upset and were unwilling to trade with me. I think it was a crutch/splint what snuck in to my shipment.
That's weird, they trade wood to me all the time. :S I can't see why they would be so upset about a wood item being traded to them. Usually they get upset with me if I don't offer them something like 1000 value in the trade (and I do trade a crapload). I even trade them the goblins I catch if I have too many. xD I use a few goblins for training my military, though. =]

I might go after Iceglow, or after the person who goes after him.

07-20-2011, 04:03 PM
Well I literally just got back from work but I did some playing last night and it was pretty major so I'll blog half of it now and half later.

07-20-2011, 04:31 PM
Thanks to some foreign aid, I managed to fix the problem with our fortress. After much bumbling and frustration, we finally hit the jackpot, and the dwarves swarmed into The Great Hall to catch up on a months' worth of food and drink they had been deprived of.


Unfortunately for the fine architects of Spoonproblems, I went on to become slightly overconfident. With a grand idea of expansion in my head, I was going create a even greater hall as compensation for the home wreckage they had received. Unfortunately it was not to be, mostly because the only method of 'making rooms' I could find was by placing down stairs. Lots of stairs.


And I know not how to delete them nor where they lead so we'll pretend that there is no large tumour sticking out of the bottom of the Great Hall. You mean great Hall is as it was before my leadership? Yes, that it better. (It isn't. it's ugly as hell)

ANYWAY. We received a new wave of migrants, including characters such as Del Murder, Yeargdribble, RSL and Guardian XIII. The problem was (there's always a smurfing problem) that they were cut off by a river. However, I finally clicked into gear and DID SOMETHING RIGHT!


I built a bridge! :jess:

They were pretty quick unlike the previous lot to integrate so that's good. Rather humorously, Shion stayed at the Wonder Square district for so long she actually turned insane. And I mean completely smurfing batty. I had a picture of her chasing a Capybara around the map but I foolishly overwrote it by accident. I would send Doctor Quin's lazy arse but apparently she's 'berserk' so I think it's best we leave her down there until she attacks some migrants and we have reason to take military action.

Our military action involving sending our two only soldiers at her, of course. I would invest in training but we probably won't need them any time soon. Next ruler can deal with it.



He's called NorthernchaosGod and I'm sure he's having a great time in our sweaty, overcrowded mess of a fortress.

So Autumn has almost come and the dwarves are actually getting back on their feet. The infrastructure is generally okay and our population is growing. Perhaps they will live to the end of my year after all.

Unless .... nah, it will never happen.

Will it?

It can't be ...

Goblin Ambush.


And if you think those five are all that arrived, you're dead wrong. God save us all.

Part two coming later.

07-20-2011, 04:38 PM
hahahaha huxley and steve had sex and the result was Julian. Enough said. :lol:

Also jesus christ goblins! Are you sure it's still just the second year? :confused: What's the date if you press z and go to status? Also, I hope you PULLED THE LEVER!!!! Although at that point it may have been a bit too late.

07-20-2011, 04:55 PM
hahahaha huxley and steve had sex and the result was Julian. Enough said. :lol:

BAHAHA oh wow I can't stop laughing xD

07-20-2011, 04:58 PM
hahahaha huxley and steve had sex and the result was Julian. Enough said. :lol:

Also jesus christ goblins! Are you sure it's still just the second year? :confused: What's the date if you press z and go to status? Also, I hope you PULLED THE LEVER!!!! Although at that point it may have been a bit too late.

Yep, 526. Guess I was unlucky.

Dignified Pauper
07-20-2011, 05:05 PM
Has that much wealth been created that gobbos already spawned...? Those stairs must be valuable.

07-20-2011, 05:13 PM
I cannot see a way in which this is not going to end in deaths. Unless they chase my poor cat or that duck around and away from the fortress and DD gets the bridge up. DK and AngelWings8 have only just begun their martial training, and had no weapons and armour. They're our only hope if the Goblins are inside the fortress, I don't know how it's going to go down though. I'm hopeful!

07-20-2011, 05:16 PM
Of all the stuff that's happened so far, this was by far the craziest and most tragic. That's all I'm teasing.

07-20-2011, 05:19 PM
Too much pressure! >.<

07-20-2011, 06:08 PM
First up, Julian, I think we all know what you've gotta do. You've gotta sit on my knee and call me "Daddy" that's my boy :proud dad:

Also, oh smurf......seriously how bad a shape is this fort going to be in when I get it? I'm already plotting out ways to prevent more deaths like this and ways to fix your stairs issues. Note I said more deaths because if we get through this without any deaths it'd be too much of a miracle to ask for. It's year 2 and I'm looking at how the smurf will I survive year 3.

Edit: And don't forget to go give your MILF a kiss!

07-20-2011, 06:10 PM
Where we left off.

I froze. And then I heard a sound in the back of my head.

Pull the lever.

pull the lever.

Pull the lever.


Did I pull the lever?


You can be damn sure I did.


Haha. Access denied mothersmurfers. But we couldn't revel in this for too long, oh no. Problem one? Our entire military was stuck within the confines of the fortress. Problem two? More goblins came from the West. We couldn't defend against such a large quantity. Problem three? Not all the dwarves were safe. A large crowd of dwarves were in the corner of the map. These included:

Eternal Essence
Guardian XIII
And our only mother: I'm My Own MILF.

And you can be damn sure that the goblins went over there straight away. Not only were we cowering in our fortress, but some of our best dwarves were about to be slaughtered.

The dwarves ran in all direction, but Guardian XIII found no sanctuary. He was struck down in a bloody mess.


And then, ladies and gentlemen, we were assisted. For only minutes before the attack we were visited by some merchants. Of the human variety. And when they witnessed the brutal slaughtering of GXIII, they were having none of it. Running into battle, they engaged the goblin foes.


But just as they got stuck in, another ambush! Goblins wielding bows and arrows attacked the elven traders from afar.


The battle raged on. With the action taking place just north, the bridge came back down and we took in some fleeing dwarves. Except ... Yeargdribble. Odd. DK and Angelwings were kept back as as a defensive maneuver. The war continued.


And we met our second casualty. Yearg had fallen.


Yet ... it was over. The battlefield was desolate. The humans and elves had sacrificed themselves to cleanse the evil from Dwarven lands. But GXIII and Yearg had fallen. The fields soaked with blood, it was a time for silent mourning and contemplation.


Loony BoB: "woo PAR-TAY!"

What a knob.


Now guys I've only just hit Autumn which means I'm 1/4 of the way through. That's not very far. I'm having a smurfing brilliant time but at the rate I'm getting to grips with it, I'm wondering if perhaps I should do just half a year. This would mean we could have less floundering about and go back to some progression, but it's up to you guys. Like I said, I'm having a good time, but it's a community thing so if you think it's time to switch then I'm cool with that because I don't want to make it the DD show. If it were to happen maybe I'd do another half a year later down the road, but whatever.

07-20-2011, 06:16 PM
Nah man carry on 'til the nice green "Spring has arrived!" text appears.

Nice smurfing job. Two brand new worthless migrants dying is a lot less than I thought it would be. Looks like they were distracted by my poor cat... did the cat survive? http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e373/photobucketamazingness/emot-ohdear.png

Either way, take notes Lonny Bob. The holy lever saves all. Apart from immigrants. And really, who cares about them?

07-20-2011, 06:21 PM
I think you're doing ok, thankfully for us the defenses prepared by Psy worked, though I am thinking if someone fails to get the lever in time or flying creatures we could have issues. I'm wondering why the Goblins spawned in year 2 and then I suddenly thought...did Paul set the mechanics workshop to repeat! If he did mechanisms generate a LOT of fortress wealth and whilst a healthy supply of them is good, you could possibly turn off the repeat and cancel the order to make the year a little easier.

07-20-2011, 06:31 PM
Haha look at Steve trying to make pre-emptive excuses for when he kills us all because he's a spoon. "yea yea wasn't me guys it was da Pauw's fault he mayde da defences wrong my playn would have been amazing and perfect but da flying things got us all because Pauw PAUW PAUW NOT ME FACK OFF PAUW"

Also hahaha Loony BoB, what an awful dwarf. send him north imho.

Madame Adequate
07-20-2011, 06:55 PM
If you don't behave yourself Julian I'll give you a spanking!

Loony BoB
07-20-2011, 06:58 PM
Ahahahahahahahahahaahahahaha, party time. Mourning can continue later, we survived the ambush!

Did the elves and humans still talk to us? xD

EDIT: If we do have loads of mechanisms as was suggested by Iceglow, build some cage traps around key areas (eg. just before and after drawbridge). Just don't make them too far, as if goblins arrive and get caught in them, there's every chance that some dwarf will be all "oh, man, I should totally go change the cage in that trap as it has been triggered" and run off with a cage towards the rest of the enemies that got past the traps... :p Personally, I have them at the various key entrances of my fortress (I have an outer wall that has multiple entrances, all surrounded by cage traps) and then I put about 30 in front of a sizeable "safe room" burrow which all my dwarves run to when under attack, which also contains beds, food, drink, weapons, armour and is defended by the traps and a few steel doors/walls.

Do we have a safe room?

EDIT: Also, I laughed much at the staircase digging. "Stair Way".

07-20-2011, 07:00 PM
Dunno. I don't know how to 'use them' as such, so I just ignored them.

07-20-2011, 07:06 PM
Dan have you not realized, I'm pretty defenses mad! I made a fortress on top of our old EoFF fortress and want to make one on this one too! Damn you do not try and ruin MY FUN! Otherwise the Dwarf DK will find himself in a very large cave-in!

Loony BoB
07-20-2011, 07:13 PM
Your go is before mine, so you can have all the fun you want. :D

DD: You need to press 'q' and go to the trader depots, you should set it so that it says "Trader requested at depot" and eventually a dwarf should walk to the depot (probably Psy) and then you will have the option to trade. Trading is only useful if you have already brought things to the trade depot using the 'g' option. Trade things such as crafts, instruments, meals if we have enough to spare and if we're overly loaded on cut gems, then they sometimes sell well, too. =]

EDIT: Steve, possibly worth noting that training military is a bitch in the new version of the game, at least in my experience it is. =/ So if you can manage to somehow find an effective way to level them up fast, let me know. I've got 40 soldiers in my current game but most are only decent at what they do as they immigrated in with good military stats. But yeah, getting initially untrained folk to be good at using weapons is annoyingly difficult.

07-20-2011, 07:18 PM
Yeah unless things have changed, I should be the broker. (and I wouldn't bother changing that, I have the best skills in that! :cool:)

Just sell marick's useless crafts like figures, rings, scepters etc. There should still be a pile. We had a Trade Depot inside the walls, actually, I dunno why there's one out in the wilderness now but there you go. I'd rebuild the depot inside the fort, as then their guards can guard our entrance, but it's entirely up to you.

Remember to set it so that the trader is NOT requested at the depot as soon as you have made your trade!

07-20-2011, 07:25 PM
Thanks for the tips! I think I'm starting to understand the game better so as long as we don't get attacked I might be able to start improving things.

07-20-2011, 07:48 PM
I will avenge you, GXIII and Yearg!

By the way, wth is my occupation?

07-20-2011, 08:07 PM
You emigrated with Beekeeping.

07-20-2011, 08:33 PM
Now all we need to assign him to do is look after the birds too and Laddy will finally be given the speech about the birds and the bees!

07-20-2011, 09:04 PM
BEEKEPING? What kind of LAME job is that?

champagne supernova
07-20-2011, 09:37 PM
BEEKEPING? What kind of LAME job is that?

Beekeeping is a job you have to love. You want to keep bees and not let them get away and basically steal honey. Without the office perks of flirting. Because if you went to some woman and asked, "Would you like some coffee?" they would say, "No, you're covered in BEEEEEES!" [/paraphrasing Eddie Izzard]

Dignified Pauper
07-21-2011, 05:46 AM
My crafts are valuable and not worthless you hack!

07-21-2011, 03:59 PM
Back from work. Let's have a look at what happened last night.

07-21-2011, 04:37 PM
I made some ... miscalculations. We're actually halfway through my year, and I will be delivering Autumn in one segment rather than two. So let's take a look.

After things had settled down in Spoonproblems, the dwarves began resuming their daily activities (being idle, mostly) and expanding their prosperous kingdom. By having parties. And ogling the elven traders. Once I made some trades, the human caravan which had saved us from goblin annihilation set off to the next stop on their journey. May they survive only slightly shorter than us.

So Shion finally kicked the bucket. She died berserk, insane, starving and dehydrated.


And then I read something bizarre. Just to clarify, it was GXIII and Yeargdribble that died. I don't know why I wrote EE at the end, but I think it was because he got injured.


I wondered if his upper body has literally been severed from his legs, but then I realised that Doctor Quin does smurf all so I wouldn't be surprised if he signed that off as a 'minor disability.' He's also slow to heal apparently so best of luck with that, EE.

Meanwhile MILF and Iceglow get back to being frisky.


Leader of Mortals, clearly jelly, tried to emulate them by sleeping with his cat. This picture is also an accurate snapshot of Psychotic's hard work. None. He does nothing. More humorously, he has become romantically involved with Quin which means that the two most qualified and important dwarves, the leader and the surgeon, have fallen in love, attracted to each other by their extreme laziness.

As you can tell, Autumn has been a very friendly and domestic time for the Dwarves. No fighting or construction. Mostly because I can't do either of those, and the dwarves exploit that quality within me. Shlupquack (who emigrated as Kaycee's child) threw another party. It wasn't all bad though, and this screenshot of it amused me because poor Supermillionaire shows up and it looks like the door


Is not gonna be letting him in. When ff babe is invited to a party and you're not, consider volunteering for the next mining-suicide mission.

And then it started raining again. Pretty badly, too. Luckily there were no floods in our fortress this time, and doctor Quin might have spent some time in his infirmary as he wouldn't want to get his dwarven perm wet. Psy sold twenty of our dwarves into slavery to buy him that. Some of our more irresponsible dwarves thought it would be clever to hang around deep rivers for days.


I don't even care if they die.

Now, if anybody is wondering what my Autumn contribution to our grand fortress is, then I may have a little surprise for you. I looked at our dwarven needs and identified four key issues.

A) Severe lack of defence.
B) Mass overcrowding
C) Lack of resources.
D) Not enough colourful roads.

Well ladies and gentleman, one of these will be a problem no longer.


It's okay, you can thank me later.

But yes, generally Autumn was quiet, short and peaceful. On the last month, snow began falling again.


The wall? I just need a gate and it's finished. I was making the Kassam stadium. Geddit? Oh, Oxford humour. Never mind.

And so Winter began. The DD administration was about to come to an end with just one more season left. And if Autumn is anything to go by, it will be a peaceful departure.

If only...

Welcome to the Winter of our discontent.


07-21-2011, 04:59 PM
Oh christ.

Also I guess eternal essence is like, a head and arms attached to a pair of legs.

Dignified Pauper
07-21-2011, 05:13 PM
They are after my crafts!

Quindiana Jones
07-21-2011, 05:59 PM
This is awesome. I love how Yearg just gets there ("Hi guys!") and immediately dies (BANG).

07-21-2011, 07:08 PM
A man can get a lot done with his head that close to his crotch.

07-21-2011, 08:23 PM
Psychotic I checked the reports and the goblins killed your cat.

07-21-2011, 08:26 PM
Psychotic I checked the reports and the goblins killed your cat.That cat died a noble hero's death to defend the fortress. And this is going to end with me flipping my tit, isn't it?

Also, out with it man! What happened at this second ambush?

07-21-2011, 08:35 PM
I'm saving that for the big finale tomorrow! It's gonna be a feature length and at the end I'm gonna make my tearful goodbyes before I hand over the file.

Plus I haven't actually played it yet.

07-21-2011, 11:10 PM
Oh dear more roads? You know not what you do!

Also check underwater, if there's Carp in the river then that could explain why dwarves are in the river. Carp can actually pull a dwarf underwater and kill them in Dwarf Fortress, they're actually something of a legend in the old version you positively had to fear Carp much more than you would fear even the Goblin invasions.

Loony BoB
07-22-2011, 09:14 AM
I remember seeing that. "[dwarf] has cancelled action 'Fishing': Interrupted by Carp." I was baffled. You're supposed to see carp when you are fishing! And then I realised they were evil! :p

07-22-2011, 01:23 PM
It was midnight, and they come from the North. Nothing had prepared us for what we were about to see on the horizon.


A red mist fell and screams echoed from afar. The order came: "Pull the lever!" Psychotic shouted. They had no choice. Half of the population were out there, but it was home or nothing. Psychotic turned to his trusted advisers.

They lay dead.


It was only then the true consequences of the lack of resources gathered caused. With no water, the citizens of Spoonproblems began falling, one by one. And with the Goblin invasion happening outside the borders, there was to be no help. Psychotic prayed.

Outside, the hunt raged on. Veteran Loony BoB ran from the onslaught.


But Pike was not so fast.


The situation was dire. Many Dwarves had been struck down and many were choking from lack of water. The casualty list grew and grew, until a blessing arrived. Even during great tragedy, there was hope yet.


And it worked. The Goblins began leaving. Most of the remaining Dwarves reconvened within The Great Hall after a national emergency was declared.


Mayor Psychotic was panicking, but perhaps all was not lost. The Masons had made more buckets in their workshop, which meant that more water could be traded. He rushed to the infirmary to inform Quin, his last hope, and his best love.

Nothing had prepared him for this.


He knelt down with his head in his hands. All was lost, Spoonproblems was to be no more. The remaining Dwarves, dehydrated and hurt, looked to the skies. The list of casualties was too much to bear, and it was growing yet.


The Man
Wolf Kanno
Marshall Banana
The Ceej
Hypoallergenic Cactuar
Genius Lynx


Dignified Pauper
Aerith's Knight

They were doomed.


And the story is still told fifty years later to many children. They would come to the great ancestors, and they would say "How did we survive?"

And the ancestors would laugh. And one word is all they needed to utter. The one word that would change the face of Spoonproblems forever.



07-22-2011, 01:27 PM
Now somebody be a pal and give me a dummies guide for sharing the file.

07-22-2011, 03:50 PM
There'll be a folder: Dwarf Fortress 0.31.25\data\save\Eyesonia - Just add the entire folder to a .rar or .zip using winrar/winzip and upload it to mediafire.

Also this "carp" nonsense? Seriously you two. What the fuck are you on about. :p It's obvious what was going on.

Also also DD you could've just brewed more drinks... Steve, build lots of barrels and get brewing, stat. And dig a sodding tunnel to the river haha.

07-22-2011, 04:11 PM
I had a great time doing this. I encourage other new players to give it a go as well. It's hard and the interface is not kind, but I found it really fun nonetheless.

Eyesonia.rar (http://www.mediafire.com/?v30aav6w5b7t7vw)

Good luck, man. All of the dwarves are inches away from dying so I had to stop a bit before Spring came.


07-22-2011, 04:22 PM
Oh sweet mother of fucking god....Where to begin other than saving the lives of all I can. Dear fuckery!

Oh shit.

Is all I have to say. lmfao.

07-22-2011, 04:29 PM
You blocked the fort entrance off so no-one can get in or out for water and deleted the still I built.


07-22-2011, 04:32 PM

07-22-2011, 04:33 PM
WHY DD WHY? I'm looking at this and want to cry! man oh dear God I now know what it must've felt like to walk in to the chancellors office on the day after Labour lost to find the letter "Good Luck, there isn't any money left"

Dignified Pauper
07-22-2011, 04:33 PM
From the StoneWork Blog of Marick D. Pauper

Spring 526

I didn't think this could happen. That idiot Psychotic forfeited his rights as outpost leader, and he handed it down to someone even more incompetent, Demon Dude. The change in power was led by a large party in the Great Hall, little did anyone notice that Demon Dude's had commissioned the ramp down into the great hall be removed. I looked in disbelief, took another swig of rum, and dismissed it as just an illusion of the cold. Certainly, he wasn't stupid enough to prepare for the ramp to be missing.


Our dogs had been killed. Demon Dude, in an effort to, as he put it, "raise food stocks" had our dogs put down. Rather than training them for hunting or for war, he destroyed our companions, and was too stupid to have a butcher come and clean them and put them in barrels. So the dogs sat and rot. I wish I could make a stone craft of a cave-in on this blithering idiot.


I ventured outside today, and... I don't understand. It was warm. There was no snow. There was still a biting wind from the north blowing through the air, but no awful snow, no awful cold, it was manageable, and I thought back to my days. I was so ecstatic I went to get some rocks and make more crafts in celebration.


The idiot, he actually did it. He removed the ramp and flooded out the month long party we were having. I guess drinking was the only way we could enjoy such stupidity, but now, we were all wet. How would we get ourselves together again. I ran and hid in my room, but this just made me mad. First the snow goes away, and now the fortress is flooded and I'm getting hypothermia. I'm going to start making large crowns adorned with large spikes to give to this blithering idiot.


More migrants arrived. More mouths to feed. More idiots sent to their doom by a foolish King. Some days, I want to just dig down into the pits of hell and unleash a fury of demons. Then I remember those were only myths grandma told me of.


The entrance to the great hall has been repaired! We can rejoice that maybe this fool is finally getting it. I'm not certain, but I doubt that I should be so optimistic. The elves also arrived today, and so we're selling my crafts. Once again, I save the day by getting us out of debt, and helping us buy food.


OH MY GOD! There is a stench coming from the Great Hall that is SO bad, I nearly started gagging and choking. Don't we have a trash pile? Some sort of refuse? I think this needs to be looked into. For now, I'm going to start working on more crafts, but this is just awful. I've never experienced such an awful smell. I think I tripped over one of the legs of the dogs and kicked up some of the smell. I want to vomit.

Summer 526

The great Stair Way was constructed and everyone rejoiced. Am I the only sane one here to see that it's just a room of stairs that lead to nothing? I guess I can appreciate the artistic value of such concepts, but this is just ridiculous. Anyone can see that he doesn't know what he's doing. I wish we could revolt. I wish we could throw him in with the Carp. But that goes against our strict traditions. Dwarves are as loyal as we are stupid. We'll die for this idiot.


More migrants. More mouths to feed. We've accomplished nothing. I'm just going to keep making crafts forever until I die of thirst, or hunger or an angry elf.


HE DID IT! Something useful! He built a bridge across the river. Not only is said bridge wide enough for a caravan to cross, but it's actually sturdy! Even though HE didn't build it, Demon Dude did something useful. I think things are going to start turning around here soon!


I'm writing this, curled up in the safety of my room. The lever had been pulled. Goblins arrived to steal babies and kill dwarves. Our defenses consist only of being able to hide behind our walls, but the dwarves outside... I shudder to think. If I survive, I will make stone crafts honoring them. A totem adorned with large spikes.


I'm disgusted to say this. A human caravan saved us. We proud dwarves were rescued by smelly humans. I hate humans. The way they place my work all over their homes as if they are trinkets of their travels. What kind of bullocks is that? I heard later, after the confusion had died down, that Guardian XIII and Yearg were struck down by the goblins. A small casualty, but a blow to the great kingdom. I will honor them later.

Autumn 526

I have survived for a solid year in this hell. I'm shocked, confused, excited, sad, mad, glad, depressed and happy to not be dead. The leadership here has shown itself to be completely incompetent, only fixing itself through dumb luck. However, this was not cause for celebration. Earlier this month, Shion died of thirst. We are all wondering when a well might be created, or when we might be washed with another flood. I'm so thirsty.


I think we're becoming delirious. In order to preserve ourselves, IceGlow and MILF's moans can be heard out in the Great Hall. Leader of Mortals, in trying to craft a new master race, was busy sodomizing a cat. I could see a strange fascination with this actually, as cats are our most loyal companions, but still... I think that is taking it too far.


This season has been unremarkable. The biggest contribution was a road to nowhere that led to just some field. Worse yet, it was a dirt road, nothing to be proud of. Shlupquack arrived, and I remember them from the home land. She was a drinker, a hearty one at that, and threw great parties. If she threw a party here, you better believe it would lift our spirits. Too bad she also had a habit of showing her snatch. That was one thing I never want to see again.


NO! late Autumn and Snow has begun falling again. I am hoping it does not cover the ground, the fortress, and everything. I just cannot handle such awful cold again. It was too much. I'm going to start a fire. A great fire. A fire that will burn us all to warmth. No - no that's crazy talk. I just need another drink. DAMNIT! We have no alcohol. And even that gross water, we have no source!

Winter 526

They came from the North. They attacked with fury. Goblins, another ambush party, bigger than the last. They had come to avenge the death of their comrades, and to a lesser extent, I am sure of it, steal my crafts that they saw humans trading for. We all huddled inside the fortress, the lever was pulled, but the ambush would leave us here for days, weeks, and months. Slowly, we started dying, one by one. First the Man and then Miriel. I couldn't understand what would happen, but we were becoming delirious. I couldn't trust anything this idiot said any longer. I feel we're going to die soon.


SALVATION! The outpost liason from our homelands had arrived with guards and began combating the goblins. We were saved, but we had suffered many losses. I have sustained unbelievable injuries due to insanity caused by dehydration, but I am alive. Quin, our most esteemed doctor was dead as well, killed by a lack of planning. We were here though, alive and dying, and the outpost liason surely saw and would offer us salvation. He looked around, and all he wanted was to take our crafts. He didn't care. But I heard shouting coming from the negotiations - a great anger from Demon Dude demanding aid and assistance. The liason, fed up with the arguments, demoted Demon Dude and said that starting Spring of 527, we would have a new leader. Hopefully, someone more trustworthy...

07-22-2011, 04:36 PM
WHY DD WHY? I'm looking at this and want to cry! man oh dear God I now know what it must've felt like to walk in to the chancellors office on the day after Labour lost to find the letter "Good Luck, there isn't any money left"

It may have seemed like I was exaggerating my errors in the blogs. In fact, I was understating them. I'm not very good at Dwarf Fortress.

Edit: DP, that's a brilliant summary. xD

07-22-2011, 04:49 PM
I had a look at the save and I have solved the thirst problem. Nobody is dying of thirst anymore.

Instead they are smurfing tantruming and beating each other to death, which is a pleasant change.

07-22-2011, 05:04 PM
Half a body and I survived better than half you other tits /smug

Dignified Pauper
07-22-2011, 05:54 PM
This (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/24/magazine/the-brilliance-of-dwarf-fortress.html?_r=2&ref=technology&pagewanted=all) demanded to be posted.

07-22-2011, 07:00 PM
Ladies and gentlemen, Spoonproblems has fallen. Iceglow tried to save it and could not, and so I tried to do it instead. I started with 33 Dwarves.

A list of what happened:

The ice had frozen over the entrance so no Dwarf could get out. Demon Dude had destroyed the still too. Therefore they were all dehydrated. I hacked the ice away.
Dignified Pauper and eternal essence can stop gloating as they died of thirst right after DD handed over power. As did the likes of Champagne Supernova, Del Murder, I'm my own MILF, Geniux Lynx, ShlupQuack and Angel Wings 8.
Demon Dude had promoted himself to Sherriff and hacked Red Pill and TrollHunter to death with his woodsman's axe. I deposed him as Sherriff.
The rotting corpses were causing everyone to go mad. The great hall was basically pure purple from the rotting miasma. Every Dwarf was tantruming and stopping.
To counter this I built a morgue which by the end was filled up entirely:
Demon Dude slashed up Iceglow and SuperMillionaire, hospitalising them. SM is a child and DD hacked a lung out. Yeah. I did not have a Doctor after Quin died so I appointed Furnace Operator Roto13 to the role of Chief Medical Dwarf. He celebrated his appointment by chasing a guinea pig around, kicking it, before lunging at it off the Spoonproblems bridge and into the moat, trapping himself down there. I did not bother to rescue him.
My first ever Fell Mood! :bigsmile:
Typical. I got turned into a pair of pants. No exaggeration, she killed me and turned me into a pair of Dwarf Leather Pants.
Clo went Berserk, beat Leader of Mortals to death and then fought the new Expedition Leader, Rostum. The two killed each other. Iceglow became the new Expedition Leader.
Demon Dude finished what he started and axed the brand new Expedition Leader to death as he lay in his hospital bed. He claimed the title of Expedition Leader for himself; I decided to lock him in the hospital.
Brennan then went berserk and murdered Jessweeee (karma, bitch) and then stalked the great hall, killing various animals. I felt I had no choice but to let Demon Dude out to fight him.
Pike killed Brennan with her pick, but suffered grievous wounds.
Dignified Pauper's ghost appeared out of nowhere and killed rubah.
lil orphan baby NorthernChaosGod stopped crawling around looking for the bodies of his dead parents and died of thirst. Depressing.
Demon Dude finally went berserk, and killed Lekana. I locked him in the morgue after he chased a Guineacock in there. King of all the Rotting Corpses.
DK then went berserk and beat Rye and Laddy into a wall. He threw smittenkitten into a wall, slaying her. Then he and BoB went toe-to-toe - BoB being a legendary miner with a pick, DK being a badass fighter. DK killed BoB, but BoB smurfed DK's lungs up with his pick and DK eventually passed out dead.

Population of Spoonproblems at this point:

Roto13, stuck in a ditch.
Pike, unconscious with a broken foot.
SuperMillionaire, child, missing a lung and lying in hospital.
Demon Dude, berserk, locked in a morgue and about to starve.

The Famous Four.

The situation is unrescuable, but completely smurfing hilarious. :lol:


We've decided Iceglow should take over the save from the end of my year. Demon Dude is a legend who killed us all. ...but Spoonproblems cannot die so easily!

Madame Adequate
07-22-2011, 07:07 PM
That was even more rapid than I expected it would be!

07-22-2011, 07:24 PM
Don't get too discouraged from all of this, DD, you didn't do too badly. Tips:

- Don't destroy existing constructions. Feel free to make your own if you want, but existing ones (Trade Depot and Still) were there for a reason! Build your own shit if you're not happy with what's there originally.
- Always keep an eye on your Dwarves. If you see a lot of blue arrows you know they're thirsty and can act quickly!
- Press Z regularly to view stocks. It'll show how much drink we have left.

I wouldn't be opposed to you having another turn!

Loony BoB
07-22-2011, 08:08 PM
I died an honourable death. :aimsun:

07-22-2011, 08:26 PM
Well it's spring and we've got some progress I will save at the season change due to auto-save (or should do) and will post updates of the spring.

07-22-2011, 08:37 PM
I was going to point out how I pretty much stayed in the same spot the entire time but then I was beaten to death by Demon Dudes bare fists LOL.
Things went to total hell, and that's glorious simply glorious. 3 people and 1 insane guy left?
Can this be rescued? Will the dwarven population find salvation or will they fail to work together to remedy their current problems and meet their demise? Find out next time on... Spoon-Problems!

07-22-2011, 08:52 PM
I died an honourable death. :aimsun:

No, you died a craven's death, stabbing an unarmed dwarf in the lungs. :colbert:

champagne supernova
07-22-2011, 09:09 PM
I died from thirst. How do you manage to mess that up so badly? Wow. Anyway, at least my play fort seems to be vaguely doing alright. Although, I have copious amounts of chert. Like, it won't fit into stockpiles. It just lies around in places. I have stone doors, stone chairs, stone tables - basically, anything that can be made from stone, I am making with stone. And I still can't get through this stuff.

EDIT: On a side-note, Psychotic wasn't lying about ye olde cappybaras. One just scared my fisherman away.

Loony BoB
07-22-2011, 09:18 PM
I died an honourable death. :aimsun:

No, you died a craven's death, stabbing an unarmed dwarf in the lungs. :colbert:
Thrusting my long, hard shaft into you deepest depths? I would have my death no other way.

EDIT: I had a go at the save as well, and uh, I killed everyone bar two people. Literally, it was my character. =| I went berserk and eventually cut my foot while killing everything in sight, and then slowly bled to death, limping as I chased my next desired kill. Shining much? But yeah, in my attempt, Lekana eventually got to a stable place where they were self-sufficient, spending their days making coffins and ensuring the food supply was good. Although then I noticed that it seemed to be one person doing all the work. Turns out Lekana lost the ability to stand. So yeah... oops. One dwarf... sod this, I'll just wait for my turn after Iceglow. =|

Dignified Pauper
07-22-2011, 09:39 PM
That was incredible!

07-22-2011, 09:39 PM
Apparently the Trade Depot and Still were made out of ice and melted. Sorry for the accusation DD :shobon:

Also yeah the problem is, even if you fix the drink problem, the Dwarves are so enraged by both the fact their friends have all been left to rot, and the smells of the miasma from the rotting corpse themselves that they are permanently miserable. Cue further upset from friends and pets being beaten to death by angry Dwarves and you have an unsolvable problem.

Loony BoB
07-22-2011, 09:44 PM
I noticed, by the way, that our dwarves and animals both hung out in the great hall all the time, despite being surrounded by death. Either our meeting space was there or else the meeting place simply didn't exist and they just liked hanging out there anyway. I strongly suggest getting a meeting place that is away from any miasma to avoid that happening. Likewise, give everyone the "bare neccessities" (remove item moving, add mining, masonry, carpentry, architecture, mechanics, brewing, farming) when in dire situations - if anyone goes mental, that way, another person can pick up on the job and keep the fortress flowing. Until my character in the game went berserk, I was actually doing really well once I did those things. And that's more for the newer people rather than Psy, obviously.

07-22-2011, 09:46 PM
When I tried DD's file, Lonny BoB got beaten to death by a mule. I killed Psychotic and Psychotic had killed about 3 people then Demon Dude the sherif beat the shit outta me and left me bleeding to death. Hell even hacking that file with Runesmith didn't help, I ressurected EVERYONE (can't runesmith away their dehydration) and gave them 1000 happiness (estatic mood) and it didn't work. Was not a good sight.

Ok so I'm currently cleaning up the images and writing the post for spring watch this space dwarves!

07-22-2011, 09:51 PM
Pretty intense. I plugged in Psychotic's save and have been having fun safely expanding out. I turned the ridge in the southeast into two hill forts with sheer cliffs, I dug the river out to flow into a moat which now surrounds the intramuros, and I sit upon a horde of crossbows and bolts. Maybe I will play Demon Dude's save since it sounds interesting.


Apparently the Trade Depot and Still were made out of ice and melted. Sorry for the accusation DD :shobon:
Please note your original plug at the bottom of the moat was also made of ice. And your original ramp into the fortress? Built into ice, so I can see why the initial "flood" happened.

07-22-2011, 10:22 PM
Ok so here goes nothing:

Spoonproblems - Spring 526 (again)

Psychotic, "The Last Best Hope" decided these Dwarves needed some proper enterprizing genius leadaship. Hence he did the right thing and passed the role of leader on to me! Iceglow and using ma experience from living in LAHDAHN and working at da HMV I'ma make this place awesome and then your mothers will come here begging me to sleep with them and I'll be like a smurfing Kantus an have ma wicked way with em all!

So let's see where was we? Oh yeah! Spoonproblems.


Yeah this place, bloody cold in da winter and da river is all frozen! Still we got da Maine Road! an this lil' beauty:


Jus' don't tell DK bout it, I mean he's already weirding me out with that Maine Road crap, seriously, dwarf is smurfing mental and Psychotic tells me he's da best hope for our military, I'm carrying a crossbow with me at all times just as soon as I get one made!

There's also Dr Quin's hopsital...


Quin doesn't have to do much doctoring and so spends most of his time at a still brewing up da best Dwarven Wines I've drunk in ages, possibly because in Lahdahn da Dwarven Wines tends to be brewed by da Elves!

I'm thinkin of places I can lock that maniac DK up, so far I'm thinking of using da Barracks!


Though I might wanna be using them myself for trainin' with a crossbow!

I'm a mason it seems now, bit of a change from cleanin da fish at da HMV in Lahdahn I must admit! Still it's basically da same stuff! Anyhow I live here with ma girl, MILF...she's well hot, hotter even than your mum!


Look closely, you'll see us wavin! I'm hopin that we can get a bigger place soon somewhere awesome! Maybe have some space for some lil' ones to run around!

And we all eat here da great hall, this place is huge but I still think da HMV in Lahdahn was bigger!


So thats the tour done, an I can drop this over-exaggerated Lahdahn accent! Damn you Pawl!

edit: you're going to have to forgive me, fraps didn't take any shots it seems in Dwarf fortress itself so a lot of this is going to be filled out with text for this season. I'm going to try and fix this up for the summer so there'll be more images. Still I'll use stonesense caps where possible.

07-22-2011, 10:50 PM
Do me a favor and make sure you dig out all the ice and ensure we have an actual rampway/stairway to the surface.

07-22-2011, 10:53 PM
Apparently the Trade Depot and Still were made out of ice and melted. Sorry for the accusation DD :shobon:
Please note your original plug at the bottom of the moat was also made of ice. And your original ramp into the fortress? Built into ice, so I can see why the initial "flood" happened.Yeah, I think it's because I play with temperature off most of the time as it helps my terrible FPS. I always assumed constructions made of ice were essentially the same as stone. My bad. The more you know!

07-22-2011, 11:06 PM
Haha Psy that post was the best thing I've read on this forum since I've been back. It's also amusing to see how badly I actually did fuck up. I didn't realise it was so bad! :D

Anyway I'm going to get some practice in and learn how to actually play the game, so I'm up for taking a turn later on down the road if it's still active. I enjoyed hosting.

07-22-2011, 11:29 PM
First things first!

So first up, we've got a couple of issues here in Spoonproblems, issues what can cause problems, problems can cause deaths, deaths cause tantrums and tantrums well, tantrums aint good generally speaking they end in the entire fortress beating each other to death like some drug fueled nightmare! See Lonny BoB and Pike decided it'd be awesome to start digging the super fun happy slide in the middle of a murky pool that had frozen over, this is fine in the winter when the entire thing is made of solid ice along with the river but it's not a good thing later on when the rivers and pools de-freeze and flood the hall with water not to mention the trapping us inside part! To this end we're going to dig out all the ice and replace the ice slopes with ones made from rocksalt. I immediately began tasking the Dwarves to the process.

I also decided to take advantage of this situation to provide the fortress with a cistern of clean clear water which hopefully shouldn't be freezing solid every winter for 6 months, whilst healthy Dwarves never touch the stuff, sick Dwarves and the animals all need water to live! So I used the hole created by the dug out murky pool to begin a passageway north and east to just south of the river.

Of Cisterns and Idiocy.


Ok so you'd think digging a cistern out is going to be easy right? Wrong! See, too big, the space is wasted, too small and the Dwarves end up drowning as the river floods the entire fortress! Now we don't want to drown the fortress so I've devised a brilliant plan. If I dig a 3 tier cistern I can have enough time to sort this out properly. Ok so the first tier room is quite large, being it's going to be the place to provide the Dwarves with water it's a good idea to have it quite big so multiple wells can be built. Enough said if we end up at war with the Goblins there will be wounded to take care of, also Lonny BoB likes digging everywhere, eventually he's likely to cause a cave-in. The second tier room is actually smaller than the top, it needs to merely funnel the water down and provide me with a good place to ensure I have what I need. The bottom tier is where it is at, it's the biggest tier, being it's the actual resevoir for the fortress it needs to hold a fair bit of water, last thing we wanna do is run low mid-winter or when there is a siege going on. Now filling a cistern is where we get the difficulties. First up we need to build a pathway leading towards the river, this will be connected by a channel, to stop the fish and any other nasties swimming in to our safe water supply we will build a fortification in front of a flood gate. Now, for some reason the Dwarves kept trapping themselves on the wrong side of the fortification and I couldn't remember how to forbid the pathway there. Silly me. Still I managed to free the Dwarf with a nice stairwell rescue, the stairway is capped with a hatch which I've since locked.

The floodgate in place there I need to place 2 more floodgates, first: I need one in the bottom resevoir chamber, it's connected to a drain chanel, this is a safety precaution, it's very easy to overflow the cistern during filling. If there is an overflow, the 3rd floodgate will prevent the fortress from flooding but there is no chance to drain the cistern slightly unless you open the 2nd floodgate (1st one lets water in) Therefore by digging to the edge of the map I have created a narrow drainage channel, it's not going to be fast but it should fingers crossed work.

Cistern Level 1 (top):

Cistern Level 2 (middle):

Cistern Level 3 (bottom):

As I said, the 3rd floodgate prevents the fortress from flooding, there is 3 levers in a row, lever on the left is for the 1st floodgate, the 2nd floodgate being the bottom has the middle lever, 3rd floodgate granting access to the cistern is the right hand lever, for the love of all things Dwarven, only operate floodgate 1 if floodgate 3 is closed!

I cannot stress this above paragraph enough, it's vital since the river is limitless and will basically drown anything below it, it's above the hospital where the fort connects to the cistern.

At the same time, as I was building this, the water in the area defrosted, thankfully Psychotic's ramps had been dug out as had the frozen ice walls. Unfortunately for Vζrn, his mechanics workshop was built on top of a small murky pool by someone. Thankfully for Spoonproblems, Vζrn was on a break at the time! That was a close call, I was only aware of the mistake when I saw the mechanisms at the bottom of the pool and Vζrn cancelled a job related to the cisterns. We have a ton of mechanisms at the bottom of a lake.

(note the image here shows the new rocksalt entrance ramp)

(note, image taken on 1st day of summer in game calendar so shows completed trade depot made of stone, new mechanics shop built, bull moose tame brought from elves, hunks of killed enemies/cat)

Also our Trade Depot and Still both de-frosted with the water! I've built 2 stone Stills seen below:


I also built a rock Trade Depot (see above image showing the top level) for us to use instead in the same location as the ice sculpted one was.

I also tagged an extra line in to the craftsdwarf workshop to make rock pots. Pots are great, they can be used for storing certain foods and for storing drink.


This means between our new wave of migrants which gave us an extra wood worker (who is now building a second carpentry workshop) we should never run out of food storage solutions and thus can brew indefinitely.


So far, things seem to be going well... all of this taken care of by the 23rd of Slate 256! What will late spring hold for Spoonproblems?

Edit: Ironically, the ice plug holding the bottom of the moat? Thats fine.

Loony BoB
07-23-2011, 07:21 AM
I thought I died?

EDIT: I also love how half the things that went wrong in DD's year are essentially all due to Psy. The game works on logic, man! Of course ice melts. xD

EDIT: Unless it's a plug. :shifty:

07-23-2011, 10:36 AM
We all either need to play vanilla or use the same mods lest these things happen again. Also, fuck that plug. I was worried when I flooded my version of the moat so I stuck a rock door down there and sealed it tight because I do not trust ICE. Or WOOD for that matter.

BoB, we used the Pendant to open a Gate and change the past.

champagne supernova
07-23-2011, 12:12 PM
Looking forward to it all falling down again.

Madame Adequate
07-23-2011, 07:01 PM
I thought I died?

EDIT: I also love how half the things that went wrong in DD's year are essentially all due to Psy. The game works on logic, man! Of course ice melts. xD

EDIT: Unless it's a plug. :shifty:

And fire burns wood, doesn't mean that's how it always happened in DF. :p I would have made the same mistake as Pauw actually, because last time I played DF regularly, an ice wall could contain a magma lake with no ill effects.

07-23-2011, 07:27 PM
I thought I died?

Well, the entire fort died. DD killed Spoonproblems entirely neither myself nor Paul could save that mess. Ok so partly it was Paul's fault for making a Still out of ice. Hell though, DD's file is just ridiculously bad place to try and save a fort from. So we've reset to the end of Paul's year and I'm having what looks so far like it's going to be a relatively quiet/boring year but will give the fort a much better chance of surviving DD playing it again in the future or another newb doing it lol :P

I've completed spring actually, I just need to write the post for late spring (will be done tonight) though I won't progress the game until tomorrow night at least due to the fact that I have work tomorrow.

The game we're playing is vanilla, no one is using reveal or any other mods (except tilesets of which, mayday and phoebus 31 have been used) We're just being cautious at the moment, until I've set a military up properly or BoB if I run out of time to do it we're not intending to punch through any caverns.

07-23-2011, 07:31 PM
Could just remake the still. It takes what, 30 seconds? :colbert:

Loony BoB
07-23-2011, 07:34 PM
Aww, I was looking forward to a very interesting game of "can we rescue a situation this dire?" :p If I can get two survivors on my first attempt, it's possible!

But whatever works. :up:

07-23-2011, 08:28 PM
Bet I could rescue them. :colbert:

07-23-2011, 08:31 PM
Let's try that. I have as much faith as possible in Demon Dude when it comes to this task which is none and I know it would at least be amusing.

champagne supernova
07-24-2011, 12:11 AM
It'll be interesting to see the difference at the end of Iceglow's turn relative to Demon Dude's turn. To be honest, Demon Dude might not have added anything to the fortress, but the initial problems all started with Psychotic's ice fort (like that hotel in James Bond: Die Another Day).

07-24-2011, 12:42 AM
I think it was a pretty good run considering the circumstances.

07-24-2011, 12:59 AM
Oh sure, blame the guy who had 0 deaths on his turn as opposed to the one with 50+ :colbert:

07-24-2011, 01:03 AM
This is the smurfing Labour government all over again. smurf tit up and then give it to ol' Gordon to get the blame further down the line! You are a disgrace. :(

07-24-2011, 01:51 AM
I did specifically say at the end of my turn that we'd need a water supply asap :doublecolbert:

Besides, it was Gordon's fault!

07-24-2011, 02:03 AM
Don't you dare say that about my Gordy, you swine.

champagne supernova
07-24-2011, 08:31 AM
I did specifically say at the end of my turn that we'd need a water supply asap :doublecolbert:

How is there supposed to be a water supply when there's only ice?

07-24-2011, 01:20 PM
I thought we already established that the ice melts! :p

champagne supernova
07-24-2011, 02:09 PM
I thought we already established that the ice melts! :p

Yeah, but in winter, the water freezes. Apart from alcohol. So the fort will just have to be a bigger bunch of alcoholics than normal for that season.

07-24-2011, 02:14 PM
Only if it's close to the surface. If you build an underground reservoir (http://df.magmawiki.com/index.php/Cistern) (which is what Iceglow is doing) you'll be a-okay.

07-24-2011, 10:08 PM
To be fair, I probably could've dug the resevoir a little deeper and used the second level of the resevoir to fill in. However for now this should do, it's contained indoors and so shouldn't freeze, if it does well BoB'll just have to drain the resevoir using the flood gate provided for such purpose and dig deeper.

07-24-2011, 11:54 PM
Spring part 2, this is much shorter than the previous post.

Parties, Melissaur and Snatches.

Migrants and Census!

Oh yes it's the 23rd of Slate, we've got Migrants, boy do we have Migrants. In fact our Migrant wave has given our numbers a gigantic boost. We're now up to 39 Dwarves. Thats a lot of Dwarves who'd rather live out here in the cold than down south with the Humans all over the show and the Elves, damn all Elves, I'll never forgive the one what finally caused me to come up here. Kantus his name, Smurfing Kantus! An Elf so bad I use his mere name as a damn insult! And let's just not even mention the Goblins and their Gods, those skinless freaks the thought of them make me want to puke up all over my beard! Still we've got plenty to do if we're going to make this the New Dwarven Empire! I think that's got a nice ring to it. An empire of Dwarves, not a Goblin or Elf in sight.... Well I suppose I ought to list the names of these brave 39 souls who make up Spoonproblems and I'll add in their marriages/spouses too so that all will know:

Psychotic - Lover of Dr Quin, medicine dwarf (she threatened me with poisoning the Dwarven Wine supply if I didn't list that after her name, damn infernal woman!)
Iceglow - Married to I'm My Own Milf.
DK - Lover of Red Pill.
Genius Lynx - Married to Angelwings8
Smitten Kitten
Red Pill - Lover of DK
Angelwings8 - Married to Genius Lynx.
Lonny BoB
I'm My Own Milf - Married to Iceglow
Melissaur - No relationships as of yet, however she does insist I list her 2 pets a Blue Peachick and a Gosling Urvad and Udil
Raistlin - Married to Shlupquack, Father of Devilman
Demon Dude
Dr Quin, Medical Dwarf (taking no chances!) - Lover of Psychotic.
Unbreakable Will
Rebellious Eagle
Dignified Pauper
Marshall Banana
Fire Of Avalon
Zeldy - Married to Laddy
Wolf Kanno
Old Manus
Laddy - Married to Zeldy
Champagne Supernova
Rye - Married to Yeargdribble
Yeargdribble - Married to Rye
Eternal Essence
Miss Lulu
Guardian XIII
Shlupquack - Married to Raistlin
Devilman - Son of Raistlin and Shlupquack

So there we have it, the 39 Dwarves of Spoonproblems, I hope that soon I will have worked out just what we're going to do with these new faces, I've got to hold a lot of meetings, interviews and the like find out what exactly these Dwarves are good for but considering this is the second year since founding of Spoonproblems and our first official census this will take time. Hopefully by the end of the year I'll have this all done and recorded. Who knows maybe some new relationships will form, a lot of the new faces don't know anyone yet which is why I told my wife to host a party, as the new first lady of Spoonproblems I suppose it's one of her duties to help me keep the peace and intergrate the new dwarves and the old.


I like Dr Quin, Medicine Dwarf but she's got the access to knowledge which when she threatens to poison your fortresses only supply of drink is actually kind of scary, I'm going to issue a proclamation I think that everyone ought to from now on call her whatever she wishes to be called, at least until we have a few more doctors to hand!

I also am quite proud of the fact that we're seen as a family home, Shlupquack and her Husband Raistlin brought their only son Devilman with them. Ok so he's only 1 it's not like they had much of a choice and I suppose the King kicking your husband out of the kingdom with the words "Go North you worthless cur and never return!" after he lost yet another case defending the Kings honour from a slanderous Elvish tabloid which implied the Dwarven King prefers the company of goats in the bedroom than his own wife. Is kind of a what else you gonna do moment but I'll take it as a sign that we're doing something right. Don't know what Raistlin thought he was doing trying to practice law, from all accounts of those who actually come from the homestead...it just wasn't right Dwarves are just too drunk to defend the law. Especially against Elves, they'd rather just use a hammer and beat the Elf in to submission.

Also of note is one of our married couples, in fact, come to think of it all our married couples outside of Myself and my lovely Milf, and Genius Lynx and Angelwings8 emigrated at the same time as Raistlin and Shlupquack, makes Spoonproblems sound like a marriage counselling resort... "Your husband no longer giving you a cuddle at night? Sounds like you need Spoonproblems, situated in the frozen north, we guarantee the nights will be so damn cold he'll be so snuggled up to you you'll feel suffocated." What was I saying? Oh yes, Yeargdribble and Rye. Rye is a lovely dwarf and long suffering from what I can see, personally if I hear Yeargdribble mention "My wife and I" again in the first 2 minutes of conversation I might not be responsible for what I have branded on his buttocks. I've already mentioned this to Zeldy who claims she has some skill with the blacksmiths tools, she assures me she can definitely make it happen. He hopefully will definitely be staying on the "passing acquaintance" level of friendship.

Elves spell trouble!


Ah the 16th of Felsite, it began raining that day, for four days and for four nights the weather was terrible. I should have known the Elves have a saying "wherever you go, always take the weather with you" well seems they brought something from London with them, rain. We saw the merchants approaching shortly after the rain began falling. They arrived the next day complaining as they do about the fact that we've been felling a few trees here and there to build defenses, beds and other furniture and possibly to get a few furnaces running. Pah, Elves their areas of London were always so GREEN! I mean I like a tree as much as the next Dwarf but really? Really? I'm half surprised the Elves didn't break down and cry when they saw our woodworkers chewing through our supply of logs. One of them recognized me, said Kantus has become a caravan guard, if I ever see him I swear, I will have my revenge. I thanked the Elf for the heads up and then told Psychotic to get shot of them quickly. We brought a few things, mostly seeds, cloth, alcohol oh and a tame giant moose, not too sure why we decided to get that but I suppose if nothing else it'll make great steak!

Elves mean trouble, always! I mean Kantus is one problem, he's my problem. That Smurfing Kantus however is like a symptom of a much bigger problem! One day the Dwarven Empire will become a reality and we won't follow these prissy Elven rules anymore we'll simply smack them with hammers until they behave like good Dwarves! These Elves still brought problems with them. First of all they brought some voodoo doodoo in to the fortress how else will you explain Melissaur one of the new immigrants suddenly getting possessed by unknown forces! A possessed Dwarf here in Spoonproblems, this could end very badly.


I've heard of Dwarves getting possessed in the past, apparently unless they get what they need they'll likely die or go berserk and try to kill everyone. Unfortunately for us Melissaur is just sitting there dazed as the party goes on around her:



And to boot it seems like the Elves were followed! A goblin snatcher thief has arrived! Damn Goblins seems like they really are everywhere. Our two resident soldiers rushed forth on orders to kill on sight. and yet when they reached the gatehouse they didn't kill the goblin DK instead who was by far the first to arrive turned his mighty skills of fighting on one of our own helpless cats. This display of power literally ripping the cat in to pieces and throwing it's still living mangled, maimed, mutilated remains aside, had an unexpected result however and the Goblin thief fled quickly! It did take a while for the cat to die however, it sat there plainitively mewing at us for hours, the damn Elvish merchants were aghast at my suggestion that Angelwings8 finish the job, though they didn't notice when she "accidentally" dropped her hammer on it's head finishing the job.


This in turn turned out to be enough experience that Angelwings8 was promoted by DK the militia commander to the rank of Hammerdwarf. If all it takes to be classed as a hammerdwarf in the military here is dropping your hammer on a dying Cat's head then I'm worried what this means when we eventually get a large Goblin army come to besiege us. That damn snatcher got away which means I'm absolutely sure it will come to that. Perhaps I will tell some of the more promising immigrants that they're going to join the illustrious military of Spoonproblems.

As I said, Elves are trouble. This lot have turned up and since they arrived we've had Posessions and Snatchers. Part of me wants to order DK and Angelwings8 to kill the Elves in retribution for leading the smurfing Goblins here. Milf is cautioning against it. Maybe I had better listen to her for once, this time the Elves go free, next time, especially if that smurfing Kantus is there with them they wont!

And after the excitement which was that, I think it's safe to say that was the last of the events from Spring and we will now wait eagerly to find out what happened in Summer....

Loony BoB
07-25-2011, 01:19 AM
Loving the Raist/Shlup/Devil Man thing going on there. xD

Learning experience of the day: Always double check who you have ordered a soldier to kill. *takes notes*

07-25-2011, 03:22 AM
Whenever I am with Angelwings8, my heart goes doki doki.

07-25-2011, 03:50 AM
Zeldy - Married to Laddy
Ew, vag.

Loony BoB
07-25-2011, 10:17 AM
I wonder if you can get gay dwarves, or will be able to someday?

07-25-2011, 10:54 AM
Will you all stop killing my bloody cats? :colbert:

07-25-2011, 04:16 PM
Whenever I am with Angelwings8, my heart goes doki doki.


Dignified Pauper
07-25-2011, 04:19 PM
I wonder if you can get gay dwarves, or will be able to someday?

This needs to happen.

07-25-2011, 04:20 PM
So many masterpieces. Oh Dorian, an artist should create beautiful things, but should put nothing of his own life into them.

07-25-2011, 10:58 PM
Loving the Raist/Shlup/Devil Man thing going on there. xD

Learning experience of the day: Always double check who you have ordered a soldier to kill. *takes notes*

I actually used the kill creatures at x location attack command for the military, ironically enough they keep flashing up as trying to kill the goblin snatcher which by now has fled. Might need to consult the wiki because the order won't cancel.

Also I figured people might enjoy the Shlup x Raist = Devilman thing going on. I also hope you appreciate that I made Wes have a backstory as a terrible lawyer.

Zeldy - Married to Laddy
Ew, vag.

Why'd you think I did it? Just to make straight jokes at your expense :D lmfao can't wait for little laddettes or laddies to start running around the fort

Will you all stop killing my bloody cats? :colbert:

Blame DK and Angelwings8, they decided to murder the kitty instead of the goblin.

07-25-2011, 11:36 PM
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! :kaocry2: I love kitties :catsmile:

07-25-2011, 11:40 PM
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! :kaocry2: I love kitties :catsmile:

That's a lie and you know it. Your love of cats was only a ruse to get near the cats in the fortress so you could slowly slaughter each and every one of them. You can't get that past me.

07-26-2011, 03:08 AM
We could create a whole economy out of the raising and slaughtering of kitties.

I said we could.

Madame Adequate
07-26-2011, 06:46 AM
If you've not done so, you're an amateur at DF.

Also; Merperson bones.

07-29-2011, 01:53 PM
Giving the thread a little bump, sorry guys I've been really busy this week, when I'm not working I'm sleeping! However today is my day off so I will be trying to get through the year and send the file on to BoB hopefully I will then be able to write up the posts on Sunday. I know, I suck and the rest of you would've given up sleep and food to get through your years quicker.

champagne supernova
07-29-2011, 04:39 PM
Giving the thread a little bump, sorry guys I've been really busy this week, when I'm not working I'm sleeping! However today is my day off so I will be trying to get through the year and send the file on to BoB hopefully I will then be able to write up the posts on Sunday. I know, I suck and the rest of you would've given up sleep and food to get through your years quicker.

But at least you will hopefully have a fort at the end of it, which is more than would happen with me.

07-29-2011, 04:51 PM
Summer is done and what can I say, the post needs to be made ASAP because A LOT happened!

07-29-2011, 05:09 PM
This looks a bit mean, thanks for sharing!

07-29-2011, 05:36 PM
Raistlin - Married to Shlupquack, Father of Devilman


07-29-2011, 06:32 PM
Raistlin - Married to Shlupquack, Father of Devilman


Had hoped you'd like that along with your introduction as a terrible lawyer :D

Loony BoB
07-30-2011, 07:12 PM
Summer is done and what can I say, the post needs to be made ASAP because A LOT happened!
You're right! It does need to be made As Soon As Possible! Surely within 24 hou-- oh. >=P

Quindiana Jones
07-30-2011, 09:59 PM
It's Doctor Quin, Medicine Idiot, dolt. :D

07-31-2011, 11:04 AM
Sorry, went out for a flatmates leaving party on Friday night, didn't sleep before work on Sat and so have just woken up and am finishing off the post now in notepad.

07-31-2011, 12:19 PM
Somebody hasn't got their priorities in check.

07-31-2011, 12:51 PM
SpoonProblems Back In The Summer of 256

Enterprise Baby YEAH!

Ok, so Spoonproblems was still alive and in it's second year and Spring saw us at a high point, population was up, goods and supplies were up, the resevoir was almost done. All we really needed to do was strengthen our military and begin real production at the fortress. And so with this in mind I set to work, Immediately I called Lonny BoB in to my office and held a meeting.

"Naw Lonny BoB we don't need to have a massive seam for ore yet! Haven't you seen the masses simply layin' around the Great Hall? What we gonna do with that if we get even more ore? We ain't even got somewhere to smelt it or forge gear yet! Heck we don't even have any fuel!"

"So what do you suppose Boss?"

"We needs to dig some more rooms! Thats where you an' Pike come in, I needs you to plot out some rooms for us, need to be relatively large cause they gotsa hold forges and well, forges are big!"

"Sure Boss I'll go dig some rooms! Digging is FUN!"

That one out the way I left him to go find a place out the way to begin his digging of rooms. I only hope Pike is controlling where they dig. Thankfully she showed up a little later with some plans...

"Um Iceglow? You busy? Kinda wanted to show you these plans here for the new rooms, christ why'd you ask Lonny BoB to make them? He'd have given you rooms ALL OVER the place! Always come to me, I had to beat him unconscious before I could plan them properly!"

"I'm always busy Pike but thanks, kinda forgot that Lonny BoB is a lil' insane at times, 'specially 'bout diggin' man he loves ta dig!"

"I'm a girl, don't call me man"

"Really? You got bigger muscles than most the fort sure yer not a man?"

"Just look at the plans and let me know, I'm gonna go do some digging on the cistern channel."

Pottery shops

Forge zone

Stairwell to the sand layer for glass workshops to go in (plans to come later, when we have better idea of what we've got up there)

I overlooked the plans laid out by Pike for the new chambers seems the girl has a head on her shoulders after all because she decided to plot out not only metal forge rooms but glass and pottery workshops too. I liked the plans and so gave my approval to all of them, new ways to use our resources for even greater production cannot be a bad thing, Pottery we didn't have much experience with this form of work but thankfully Old Manus claimed he did, I sent for him and told him about the idea and took notes as he told me what we'd need is a Kiln and that if the space was there he could build us a working one even though he hadn't done it before he knew enough about them to get on with it. Seems like we'll be producing a lot of things soon.

It seems as soon as I take my eye of something, someone else does something wrong. Informed by the carpenters Demon Dude and Raistlin that they could no longer make barrels for the stills as they were out of wood I sighed with exasperation, I mean, really? really? out of wood? There's an entire god damn forest out there go get some more lumber not like we're worried by a few pansy elves complaining and if it's Kantus complaining all the damn better!


Okay so maybe I shouldn't have left it to Demon Dude and Raistlin to decide how much wood they needed. They set out to chop down around a quarter of the forest out there. Thank the heavens I left a standing order for pots from our stoneworkers. Otherwise the stills would shut down and then we'll face my worst nightmare, life without alcohol.

I'd just finished working dealing with the bumbling carpenters who eventually convinced even me they'd get through the trees and thus the wood in short order (it was easier to let them get their own way, Demon Dude had a slightly crazed glint in his eyes by the end, I still haven't got a crossbow need to fix that ASAP in this place) When DK our militia commander kicked in my office door, why he kicked it in I don't know but he did so because he could I guess. I'll be getting a new door it seems. If he does this to every door in the fortress I'll have to get them made thicker and heavier or lever operated so he can't do it.

"Ice! So many new people! I want soldiers!" he practically yelled.

I guess he was still on a high from having ripped the cat Ingrish apart a few days ago, his first real taste of combat.

"I was goin' to get to that, though we had a problem with da lack of rooms an' the lack of wood got any ideas who ya want?"

"Yeah Bro! I thought we'd recruit Shlupquack (novice wrestler), Lekana (Adequate Macedwarf), Clo (adequate axedwarf), Genius Lynx (skilled axedwarf) they all got some skill with weaponry or their fists."

"A Novice Wrestler though ya sure?"

"Bro! Have you seen her hit Raistlin? Dwarf can barely walk straight when she does so! It's GREAT!"

"Ah yea, suppose theres that, fine tell 'em they're soldiers and to get to barracks, give em all rooms there"


DK's grin was almost manical when he turned in the sloppiest salute ever seen and left. So rooms are going in, wood is being cut, DK has soldiers. What else should we do? I walked around the fortress, the Elves were finally gone which was a blessing but I noticed our fortresses' surface area was very cramped with workshops and animal pens starting to go threadbare from over population. I needed to sort things out soon! First things first though we need an expansion!


Even I got involved building the wall directing it as we went when it's complete we'll open it up by taking down the wooden wall between the fort and the new area, we'll then reinforce it with a second layer of wall and some steps up and a fortification palisade around the top. I'm considering an expansion to the west or east too, we don't need a moat to protect the walls just the gatehouse but I'm sure Pike would find a way to expand it if needs be. Might need more people building walls though. Eventually those wood walls originally built need to be replaced, I don't want it burning down around me when those damn Goblins come back with fire arrows!

As if the party organized by my dear wife MILF wasn't fresh in our memories, Zeldy organized her own party in the great hall, I suppose until her forges are in I can't really blame her for seeking some entertainment.


Taken from the diary of Iceglow leader of expedition Spoonproblems, entry on the 4th of Malachite, Summer 256:

"Dr Quin Medicine Dwarf (or Idiot, whichever you want to class that alcoholic psycho as) came to me today with disturbing news, Melissaur who hasn't even been a member of the expedition for long has become Insane. Thankfully at this time her condition doesn't appear to be dangerous though we will need to watch her closely to ensure her melancholic mood stays that way and doesn't become berserk rage because all we need now is a dwarf going round trying to murder us, I ought to have some investigation done in to her background, see if she has a criminal record or history of violence back in the homestead."


So yeah Melissaur went insane and is going to try and kill us all. Good news everyone!

It also took me a while to notice the notifications that our stills have indeed shut down for the moment, the number of pots being made just wasn't high enough to replace the number of barrels Demon Dude and Raistlin provided thankfully according to our record keeper Psychotic, we should be fine so long as I get them producing again in time for the winter. We've got 828 stored units of alcohol. If anything we could do with more meat/fish/plants to eat. This adds another task to my jobs list: Expand Agriculture to meet demand or even exceed demand given. Once Old Manus has his kiln up and running perhaps he can help the stone crafters keep up with the supply demand for pots.

Less than a week after one of our members goes insane, more bloody migrants arrive. I'm beginning to think the King is merely sending us everyone here slowly. I'm seriously considering what we ought to call this fortress, the New Dwarven Empire or New Empire of Dwarves, NED for short, we shall all live in NED, fight in the name of NED!

Time for an update to the census I believe!

Psychotic - Lover of Dr Quin,
Iceglow - Married to I'm My Own Milf.
DK - Lover of Red Pill.
Genius Lynx - Married to Angelwings8
Smitten Kitten - Lover of Champagne Supernova, Grudge against Devilman
Red Pill - Lover of DK
Angelwings8 - Married to Genius Lynx.
Lonny BoB
I'm My Own Milf - Married to Iceglow
Raistlin - Married to Shlupquack, Father of Devilman
Demon Dude
Dr Quin, Medical Dwarf - Lover of Psychotic.
Unbreakable Will
Rebellious Eagle
Dignified Pauper
Marshall Banana
Fire Of Avalon
Zeldy - Married to Laddy
Wolf Kanno
Old Manus
Laddy - Married to Zeldy
Champagne Supernova - Lover of Smitten Kitten
Rye - Married to Yeargdribble
Yeargdribble - Married to Rye
Eternal Essence
Miss Lulu
Guardian XIII
Shlupquack - Married to Raistlin
Devilman - Son of Raistlin and Shlupquack, grudge against Smitten Kitten
Ashley Riot
The undead hero

Green ink indicates a new relationship/grudge formed. Orange Ink indicates a new member of the fortress. Not sure how Devilman and Smitten Kitten got in to a grudge but hell she should feel ashamed of herself, he's not even 2 years old! I'm now kinda picturing him as a Dennis The Menace type kid running around pulling pranks and Smitten Kitten is now the one he upsets all the time. Also noted she's shacked up with Champagne Supernova, sorry BoBa you're not getting the girl this time. Orange Ink indicates new members of the fortress, holy cow, 47 members and it's only summer in the second year! BoB might want to consider setting up more chambers at this rate in his year.

All of this occurred by the 10th of Malachite 526! Second post of summer coming up.

07-31-2011, 01:54 PM
Great News Everyone!

So the 10th of Malachite had seen our fotress being busy as hell, in fact I was so worn out running around building walls and making sure everything else was in check I forgot to report that the cistern was completed and we filled it with water!

So yeah we have our own cistern and it works! I just need to build a couple of wells on the platform out there in Autumn. The cistern overflowed actually but my plan for the lower drainage gate worked a charm (if agonizingly slowly) Only thing to note, even though I constructed a fortification, I noticed a trout spawn down in the lower level, I think the cistern being so close to the edge caused the fortification to not have the desired effect, not a big issue to be honest though. I may put a second cistern in at a later date for fish farming.

Here's some screens I have of the cistern filled and filling:

Lower level filled.

Cistern overflowing!

Drainage gate opened

It appears to be working

Cistern completed, with rocksalt platform constructed for wells.

The 3 gates system really worked well, if slowly, you don't need much time on the gates to flood the chamber so remember keep the 3rd gate shut when doing the refilling of it!

On the 16th of Malachite I took the following screen cap of the fortress management screen:


Pike and BoB also finished digging out the chambers for the new production areas and the forges/kilns and workshops are in!

Forge chambers in, need a second woodburning furnace because coal production at the moment is below demand, probably gonna make a second ore smeltery too, we've got plenty of iron we can at least have a selection of iron armour and weapons for our military.

Pottery chambers, I had no experience with pottery at first, I have to say it was relatively simple to figure out and the wares should hopefully be worth more than the trinkets Dignified Pauper chucks out, Rocksalt and quartzite whilst plentiful and quicker to get than clay are very low value rocks economically speaking. I am considering using a second kiln here to make clay products quicker.

Glassworks, unfortunately not in time to save Melissaur from going insane. However, the large chamber in the background is actually a store room, I figure with redesigning and expanding the surface fortress I will have to move the current workshop locations, this means we need a large furniture storechamber, also our current workshops are listed as cluttered, this slows down production.

So there we have 3 new ways to keep the fortress going I'm quite pleased with this, we should soon be able to buy everything we need and provide for our dwarven community even when it swells up in size.

Around the same time the outer wall of the new expansion was also completed, I managed to get the following capture in before it was done so:


I have since opened it up and begun the construction of the second wall layer:


I'm considering the east/west expansion, I'll lay it out in suspended walls if I run out of time to finish the project. BoB can then work on it :P

I've also considered if we ought to make a small fortified fishing/hunting compound above the lever room to the cistern, it could work considering the cistern lever room already has a stairwell to the surface (currently capped by a floor hatch and locked) I won't have time to build all these walls though of that I'm certain but I think BoB will see exactly what I mean by it when he looks :)

Now I did entitle this entry as "Great News Everyone!" and whilst our new forges, workshops, filled cistern and expanded fortress are good news it's not truly great. However I don't label great news great news for no reason! Something I owe Demon Dude for has happened again! Julian was probably wondering why I had used names like Bolivar, Xalibar, Devore and other obscure members but not his but son, I was saving it for a special place:



Now get on my knee and call me Daddy! Again.

We also had some human merchants come by and so Psychotic proceeded to buy as many items of food and meat/fish/cheese also any animals as he could from them because the last thing we really need is more drink


The trading prompted me to get the following announcement:


Ho tit son! You just leveled up! (though not being silly I left you actually in the leaders office considering your skills in the role so the expedition leader was already you to begin with xD)

Other than that we lost a water buffalo to starvation, I really need to move the animal pens to the expansion or outside the walls so they can eat! And then all too soon and yet after a lot of action and micro-managing challenges I got the final announcement of the season:


Here is a copy of the fortress management screen for the end of the season:


And so I begin the journey in to Autumn.

07-31-2011, 02:15 PM
I, for one, cannot wait for the arrival of the Guineacocks. :excited:

07-31-2011, 03:25 PM
Winter is Coming, Autumn 256

The best laid plans of mice and men

So at the end of Summer, things in Spoonproblems were really getting in to shape, the fortress was actually functioning, we had forges making iron armour, we have a military killing our enemies, or rather scaring the tit out of them by killing innocent kitties, we had an entranceway made of stone and an expansion to the territory we've claimed going on and a booming population of 48. However I knew one thing:

Winter is comming.

Winter in Spoonproblems, damn thats a cold thing coming we needed to be ready, stockpiles of food, drink, water, everything had to be ready not to mention the King was sending his representative to see if NED was truly working out. Also apparently Lonny BoB was gonna be in charge come the end of the year! That thought terrified me more than the idea of Demon Dude taking control and he couldn't control a simple button saying "press for food"

I didn't want my baby NorthernChaosGod or my woman Milf to freeze to death in the cold northern winds and so we needed to be ready, this was my turn to shine and I intended to shine well.

With that in mind I commmenced my planning and realizing I was right, I could manage people my old boss in the Aich MMMMM Veee was wrong and he could go take a running leap. I wasn't destined to be a fish cleaner any longer I'd proven myself capable at running a fortress and whilst I couldn't run it forever (though I'd have liked to) I could leave it in a sustainable place.

Heres what I intend to have done by the end of my year:

Western Expansion; this is needed, we need more space, more land, more plants. I've plotted a large expansion here and a smaller twin on the eastern side below are the western expansion plans:


like I said, it's gonna be big.

Eastern Expansion; This is a smaller expansion, but combined it'll give us a major benefit. The wall is tricky, I'm having to build a floor tile to actually get the corner of the wall built, will have to micro-manage this quite effectively destroying the rocksalt floor I ordered when putting the final piece of the wall in to place.


Entrance Tower; At the moment even though it can be made secure, our entrance is really just a slit in the ground. I've floored off the open parts where the ice pool was but what we really need is a tower to secure the top of the entranceway, access is important, 2 doors on each side of the building will give maximum entrance/exit potential whilst securing it admirably, due to new DF building rules parts of the floor must be first ripped up.


Expanding Agriculture; We need more food, fact! therefore 4 more 4x4 fields are being commissioned, these 4x4 fields should allow us to successfully grow enough food to see our fortress through. I will also see about getting kitchens established and have people cook meals. We also need some way to keep the animals in a large enough pen where they can all get food, to this end temporarily I've established the maximum size pen zone I can outside across the bridge, once the expansions are built, we'll build them a smaller one within that actually can support them



Widening essential passages; this isn't a major point but at present the path from the main fort entranceway to the cistern path is a 1 wide chokepoint. I'm going to expand this to 2 wide. I'm also going to expand access to the new furniture storage, I forsee that being very busy!



Speeding up production; Whilst the forges and kilns work, they're still slow, Zeldy is constantly complaining she hasn't enough iron bars or coal for use, therefore a second smeltery (with a second smelter) and a second wood burning furnace have been requested. Also a second Kiln so we can generate pottery goods faster.



All of the above goals should be completed hopefully before seasons end. If not by the end of the year at most. If you wonder why it takes me a long time to write my posts and also to play my seasons out then I hope you can appreciate I'm setting quite large goals and having to micro-manage (sometimes relying on pausing every couple of minutes to check jobs are going to plan) the fortress on this scale is not always easy.

Loony BoB
07-31-2011, 06:53 PM
Don't worry, I'll ensure all that micro-managing goes to waste.

07-31-2011, 08:03 PM
I'm waiting for the next owner to pull a Lenny and smurfing break everything.

champagne supernova
07-31-2011, 09:05 PM
Also noted she's shacked up with Champagne Supernova, sorry BoBa you're not getting the girl this time. Orange Ink indicates new members of the fortress, holy cow, 47 members and it's only summer in the second year! BoB might want to consider setting up more chambers at this rate in his year.

My bad BoB.

Loony BoB
07-31-2011, 11:17 PM
'sall good. She hooked up with Zeldy in my game. ;)

07-31-2011, 11:21 PM
Autumn actually flew by, I took some screens, not so many in stonesense this time but it was over before I even left for the evening on my date. I really ought to get on with writing it up I guess :P

champagne supernova
08-01-2011, 07:48 PM
Autumn actually flew by, I took some screens, not so many in stonesense this time but it was over before I even left for the evening on my date. I really ought to get on with writing it up I guess :P

You went out on a date instead of getting the write-up done? Your priorities are warped man ;)

08-01-2011, 08:04 PM
Autumn actually flew by, I took some screens, not so many in stonesense this time but it was over before I even left for the evening on my date. I really ought to get on with writing it up I guess :P

You went out on a date instead of getting the write-up done? Your priorities are warped man ;)

Hey man give him some slack, it's been hard work on his poor left hand doing this whole dwarf fortress thing, he had to do something nice for it otherwise it wouldn't put out for a week.

08-01-2011, 11:51 PM
Autumn actually flew by, I took some screens, not so many in stonesense this time but it was over before I even left for the evening on my date. I really ought to get on with writing it up I guess :P

You went out on a date instead of getting the write-up done? Your priorities are warped man ;)

Hey man give him some slack, it's been hard work on his poor left hand doing this whole dwarf fortress thing, he had to do something nice for it otherwise it wouldn't put out for a week.

Don't know who you're talking about Dan but I'm pretty sure I was with your mother that night.

Also, I almost had Autumn and Winter completed so I could finish this thing up, not sure how many saw the update on G+ but I managed to crash fraps which in turn caused Stonesense and DF to crash. Ironically I'd just killed most of our military by making a silly mistake. I guess sometimes the crashes happen at the opportune moment.