Jiro does FFI

[Jiro]

We've all heard the story. How one man, charged with producing a swan song of a game, managed to change fate and launch perhaps the most successful and well-known video game series of all time.

But that is ancient history, and ancient history is, quite frankly, boring. Let's try and spice things up a bit now, shall we?


http://img.stpcdn.net/screenshots/ffilogo.jpg



Welcome to Final Fantasy. This game has peanuts for plot, and while I love peanuts, a lot of people are allergic to them. So, we are here to change that (the fact that the plot is peanuts. Gosh, try and keep up will you!). I will be playing through the game, adapting events and making up tit to (hopefully) create an entertaining, hilarious and still bloody useful guide to the game. We're just going to wing it, basically, and see what happens.

But I cannot do it alone. Well, I probably could do it alone. I am, after all, smurfing fantastic, but that takes all the fun out of it. So you guys are going to help me in a variety of ways. Your suggestions and comments, speculation and nonsensical statements will all be of use to me as I try to piece together a story for the ages. Jokes, gags and gimmicks might all feature, so keep them coming and together we'll create a masterpiece!

I will be playing the Dawn of Souls version, because a) I have access to it; b) it is easy for me to screenshot; and c) there is no c.

So come on, and let's get this thang started! My first mission for you all: Assemble our Light Warriors and name them! This is your story, now is the time to embrace your destiny!

GO FORTH AND CONQUER.

(Note: Naming characters is perhaps the most important part of this game. Because this is an EoFF presentation, I wouldn't mind using EoFF based names, but puns and dirty words are also acceptable. Keep in mind that putting your own name forward is selfish, egotistical and encouraged.)

[Martyr]

Fair enough. Call the Black Mage Martyr.

He'll live up to his name.

[Jessweeee♪]

Name one after me ('cause I'm vain like that) and make it the most impractical class you can possibly think of in relation to the rest of the party ('cause I'm mean like that?).

EDIT:

I haven't played FFI, so I don't know how the class thing works. I assume you start out with a few, then unlock new sets every now and then. Always make sure the character is impractical. Always.

[demondude]

Selfish, egotistical and proud. DD as a Fighter purlease.

[qwertysaur]

I wanna be a Thief! :p

Also you have to do the four bonus dungeons. :bigsmile:

[Hot Shot]

Sounds fun. I'll be sure to follow this.

[Rantz]

Pfff, all of you submitting your own names... my suggestion is Jorge.

[I Don't Need A Name]

It's all about the blackbelt called Xantos!

[TrollHunter]

Name one after me ('cause I'm vain like that) and make it the most impractical class you can possibly think of in relation to the rest of the party ('cause I'm mean like that?).

EDIT:

I haven't played FFI, so I don't know how the class thing works. I assume you start out with a few, then unlock new sets every now and then. Always make sure the character is impractical. Always.

You actually only get the basic classes
warrior
white mage
black mage
brawler
thief
and you upgrade them decently far in the game. That's it.
Name one Bonquisha.

[Laddy]

Aww, I wanted to be a White Mage. Tendin' the wounds of big, buff manly men. :cool:

[demondude]

For those of you that don't know, Laddy is a homosexual.

[TrollHunter]

For those of you that don't know, Laddy is a homosexual.

Oh my god I never knew!
http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT91Uzb_a4IbsESvgXgII31vnw8_YhuOVNa7QdMuOj9t2rBN6HU

[demondude]

He does hide it well. I hope you realise I was also being sarcastic though.

[Laddy]

Yeah, I mean I'm all big an' bad, y'know? Just like Rock Hudson.

[Jiro]

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqu208LfRv1r2zn4to1_250.png


Here's the title screen. Looks pretty good, right? I dunno what standards we usually judge title screens by. At least it's got some colour, and all that copyright info. Man, 1987 was a long time ago. I didn't realise they had Final Fantasy back during the first world war!

Anyway, on to business. You have to press the start button and pick the blue guy with the sword, not the orgasming pink chick.


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqu2240OA51r2zn4to1_250.png


With that sorted, now we're presented with another choice. Load game won't save us now, time for a new game! TODAY IS THE DAY FOR OUR ADVENTURE!
[/URL]


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqu23xaNzr1r2zn4to1_250.png
Party Assembling Time!



We're presented with a group of four shoddy looking people whose parents were so mean that they didn't name them. For some reason these four folks want us to name them. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't let this guy name me.

Nevertheless, the party members need names, and they need jobs too! Again, I don't think I'd let someone who looks like this pick my profession. I always wanted to bake muffins for a living. Do you know the muffin man? I am the smurfing muffin man!


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqu25jYB371r2zn4to1_250.png
And now the fun begins...



So our band of misfits are ready to begin their grand journey. Or take a trip to the local store to buy eggs and milk. I'm not really sure yet, but we'll figure it out as we go, right?

[URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoeEDWe_Y18"]I believe this movie plays here! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoeEDWe_Y18)


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqu2a9cfpg1r2zn4to1_250.png
This is worse than that time I woke up with
a massive hangover in my neighbours' bed
...with them still in it...
...naked.



Well, here we are. Just a couple of country kids trying to make it big in the city. I don't know how we got here, but Adventuring 101 tells us that the first thing anyone should do when beginning a world adventure or even going to buy the previously mentioned bread and milk is to check your pockets.



http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqu2d2N8cP1r2zn4to1_250.png
Well this is promising. We're dirt poor and our only
education is the damn Adventuring 101 class we took
because we were too stupid for remedial everything else.



So not off to a good start. But at least we have each other, right? Let's have a little meet and greet with our party members. First off we have Jorge.

I'm Jorge the Barbarian and I'm in charge of this here party! HERE ME ROAR, MOTHERTRUCKERS! I'm the leader because I'm the roughest toughest son of a bitch around, and if you wanna argue with that, I will kick your smurfing shins in and stab you in your nipples. So smurfing deal with it.

But you're not even a real Barbarian Jorge, you're a Black Mage.

Listen here you pompous twat, I'm a smurfing Barbarian because I say I'm a Barbarian. Come here and I'll stab your smurfing nipples, Qwert~! What kind of a smurfing name is Qwert~ anyway? HOW DO YOU EVEN PROUNCE THAT TILDE YOU TOSSING SALAD FACE?

You just sing my name like there's a music note there♪

Whatever.

Is it my turn, is it my turn!? :hyper: I'm LADDY and I'm fabulous. I just looooove protecting my delightful teammates. They're just so cuuute~~~

ENOUGH WITH THE smurfING TILDES. TODAY IS THE DAY FOR MY ADVENTURE, YOU'RE JUST THE EXTRAS.

Now hang on just a minute there Johnny.

It's JORGE.

Okay Roger. Look, I'm the Warrior, so obviously I should be in charge. The great DD, here to save the world and bring back just enough bread and milk, and maybe a twix for good measure. I should be in charge, because I'm the smartest and most dashing hero of all time.

Oh my, he's so handsome~~~

I can tell I'm going to hate this adventure already.

Wait, your name is DD? Like, "dee dee"?

Yes, what of it?

That's flippin' ridiculous. The itty bitty warrior has a GIRL'S NAME!

Coming from you, you pretentious thieving bastard.

Can we get back to the adventuring now?

Let's.

Right. Now as I would've been saying an hour ago if not for these interruptions, we're in Final Fantasy, so that means you're looking at a battle eve-- DID I TELL YOU TO MOVE?! NO, NO I DID NOT TELL YOU TO MOVE! WHY DID YOU MOVE!?


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqu2ftGZKP1r2zn4to1_250.png
One step and already somebody is trying to rape
and pillage us of our lunch money. How sweet.



Now of course, the first thing you should do when attacked by some enemies is try to destroy them as quickly as possible. What is the best way to do this? Zap the smurfing tit out of them with super smurfing death magic of death and destruction and turn their corpses to ash. So, shall we.

We...uh...we may have a problem.

What? What problem could we possibly have?

I, uh, we, uh. I didn't bring the spellbooks.

You didn't bring the spellbooks? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You know what, smurf it, smurf you and smurf this. We are not even here for five smurfing minutes and now a bunch of spastic goblins are going to ass rape me because you didn't bring the spellbooks. Okay, change of plan. Qwert~, you try and steal something off those bastards that we can actually use.

Well, I can't actually do that you know. I don't know how to steal. My mama always told me to be an honest lad.

You have got to be kidding me. How can you be a smurfing thief if you cannot steal anything from anyone? Did you go to thief school and sleep through every smurfing class? Good lord, I am surrounded by absolute idiots. You are all incompetent backtown yobbos with tit for brains and I will be smurfing glad if they cut off your testicles and wear them on a necklace.

Hey, no sweat, creepy disembodied narrator voice guy. We'll just use my tried and true method - wailing on them with sticks and tit.

I want to hit them with my lovely big HAMMER~

Whatever, it's your funeral.


http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqu2i4Mj1t1r2zn4to1_250.png
In a strange twist of fate, we managed to nick
their stuff (no thanks to Qwert~) and then Jorge
got to rape them. (He'll deny it, but we know it's true.)


Okay, we survived. I don't know how, but our first battle is over. Let's hope there aren't many more of these...

-------------


Ominous words from the disembodied narrator! Tune in next time as the party finally takes their second step, and then hopefully a few more into the Kingdom of Cornelia!

[demondude]

wtf this is awesome.

[I Don't Need A Name]

Oh god... This is gonna be eventful xD

[Jiro]

Like all true artists, my update frequency will be whenever I can be sober enough to log in and not be distracted by porn.

ie that was your first and last post

EDIT: Also thank you to our lovely contributors so far, I appreciate your input. Apologies to those whose suggestions missed out, but please don't be disheartened. Also smurf you Jessweeee♪ there is no music note in the game so you and qwerty had a child who was an idiot thief, the most useless class imo.

[qwertysaur]

I keep reading qwert~ as qwerteeeeeeeee♪. :bigsmile:

Go buy some weapons, armor and the spells Fire for Jorge and Cure for Laddy.

[Jessweeee♪]

xD

[Rantz]

Off to a great start. :up:

[nik0tine]

I hope you realize what it is that you must live up to. (http://forums.eyesonff.com/general-archive/52054-final-fantasy-iv-ah-power-cheese.html)

Edit: All of the pictures are apparently missing. This is an unacceptable tragedy.

[Jiro]

Ah! The Power of Cheese is of course the most fantastic of all things ever made by anyone from this site or not. I will strive to match it but I don't think I will even come close. However, that's no reason we can't have a damn good time.

Apologies if you thought this was an update, but not yet :p I will do a fair bit more over the weekend, so look forward to it!

[Martyr]

Ah, The Power of Cheese also had a lot more bad translation and developmental weaknesses in storyline. It was fun to mock because everybody felt the same way. The writer (was it necro?) simply (i'm sure it wasn't "simple") put into words the atrocious humor that ravaged the game.

FF1 is different. Certainly no great game in terms of dialogue and plot; however, that's more because of missing information than because of bad writing and trite development.
I would treat this assignment as a chance to engage in humor yes, but also an opportunity to creatively design the plot within it's vast, acceptable boundaries. Final Fantasy is about as open for your imagination as you will ever find in a constructed world. It doesn't have to be stupid to be funny, and with only cynical assault on it's weaknesses, I think you will run out of steam fairly quickly.

In short, I believe this can be a much greater imaginative project than Cheese.
I am excited to see what all comes of it.

[Jiro]

So when we left our party they had just won their first ever battle! Somehow, don't ask me how, because I don't know how a group of idiots survived that onslaught. They decided to, under the great guidance of Jorge, to go into town.


http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxblgA3JJ1r2zn4to1_250.png
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxbmrEPvy1r2zn4to1_250.png
We were only in town for a second and already we're
being hustled. I preferred the goblins, honestly.





The guy wouldn't let us leave, and then he whacked us on the head. When we woke up, we were in an expensive looking room which presumably belonged to the leader of this crime syndicate, The King. he sure liked to roleplay too, he had a crown and everything.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxbp0mopR1r2zn4to1_250.png
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxbr5OGLS1r2zn4to1_250.png
From the way he was talking about prophecies and tit,
I could tell he wasn't after our cash, he was after crystal meth.





So far our journey had been pretty crap. We were being held captive by a gangster who was trippin' balls, we didn't have our spellbooks, we were dirt poor and nobody had even seen a goddamn supermarket to buy our bread and milk.


http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxbtzOHYS1r2zn4to1_250.png
The King even named his next in command Chancellor.
What the hell.





Shut your damn whore mouth, Chancellor Idiotface. Of course we are the damn Warriors of Light foretold by Lucas's prophecy.

It was Lukahn.

Same guy, different name, whatever. My point still stands!

Besides, John, we're not actually the Warriors of Light.

MY NAME IS JORGE YOU INSUFFERABLE smurfWIT. And for crying out loud, just try to grow a braincell for one stinking minute and listen. This crazy mothersmurfer might let us go if we're these Warriors of Sunshine or whatever the smurf it is. So please, unless you think you can fight your way out of something a little harder than a wet paper bag, shut up and let me do the talking.

He's soooo confident and controlling, I love a man in charge. Me-oow~ I think we should listen to Jorgey Porgey!


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxc0iPRBH1r2zn4to1_250.png
Thankfully, before the idiots could say
anything else, The King spoke again.





No such thing as coincidences, am I right or am I right?

You're left handed.


http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxc2d4LZ51r2zn4to1_250.png
And I have a question: How much?




Of course, King dude. Whatever you want is our command. That's what I'm meant to say, isn't it Frank?

It's Jorge, Jorge, JORGE. What is wrong with you?

I have trouble remembering the names of idiots.

words

Jorge, come on man, settle down. Let's listen to what The King wants us to do, alright?

Fine.


http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxc35qhtT1r2zn4to1_250.png
Phrasing a question negatively is a stupid thing to do.
No matter what you answer, you always have to clarify
because the question itself is smurfing stupid.
Plus this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lztwjgD10Yw&NR=1).





Is she hot?

Will she have pillow fights with me? :jess:

Yeah, will she have pillow fights with me? :aimsun:


http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxc5bvB411r2zn4to1_250.png
So one of his gangsters ran off with his daughter. I've got this
funny feeling it's less abduction and more eloping.

http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxc7lLBBd1r2zn4to1_250.png
I'd become a criminal too if my parents named me
"The King of Cornelia". Way to put high expectations on a kid.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxc9rFlOU1r2zn4to1_250.png
Why do you have a shrine dedicated to chaos?
I mean seriously guys, come on.
Town Building 101 — Don’t set up
shop near a chaos shrine.





Hang on, if you know where they are, why don't you go and rescue her yourself? Your gangster did a pretty good number on us earlier, send him.

But it's time for us to be heroes, you know~ We have to save the day and bring the princess home safe and snug! :jess:


http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxcrc1bpU1r2zn4to1_250.png
http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxcvqUHn81r2zn4to1_250.png
I'm not even going to tell you what's wrong with this plan.




So let me get this straight. Your best fighter in the whole of your gang has buggered off to bugger your daughter, and none of your other gangsters could save her. So you want us, a bunch of weirdos you just met, to go and fight this guy? Look I know we're awesome, but we're fighting with sticks.

I have a hammer, weee~ :jess:

For once, I have to agree with you Wilson. This doesn't seem like a very logical decision. How did we even get here again?

They hit you on the head with a rock and put a bag over your face. I tried to run away but I ran into an open door and then I woke up here.

:|


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxczcPGGB1r2zn4to1_250.png




Really. Because, well, you know, we haven't actually spoken to anyone else since we got here.

And Warren doesn't even know where we're going in the first place.

I just wanted some iced tea.

And marshmallows! :jess:


http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxd0xBtqq1r2zn4to1_250.png




Yeah, leaving the only passage into the outside world destroyed for years seems like a sensible choice to me.

Maybe they like being alone?

Don't you go emo on me, don't you do it!


http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxd32SYL51r2zn4to1_250.png
One day I’m going to be a politician.
Whenever something is broken, I will demand
my people do something and in return
I will actually provide the service I am meant to.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxd4f6Ap21r2zn4to1_250.png
Wait, did we even agree to this?





So we've been tasked with rescuing some chick from a really ominous sounding place from a dude who probably just wants to be loved. Us, a band of idiots, myself excluded because I'm not an idiot. But seriously, how can this get any worse...?

-----

More ominous words from our disembodied party narrator! This disembodied narrator feels that the other one should keep his mouth shut or risk bringing his friends to ruin! Next update, the apparent Warriors of Light venture forth...into Cornelia town!

[qwertysaur]

Have the hero's considered the thought that Matoya was using her brooms to keep the bridge destroyed, isolating the drug cartel of Corneria from the rest of the world? :bigsmile:

[Jiro]

I don't think our heroes are really sure what to think yet. I'm sure once they gather some intel, things will become clearer. Also don't forget to check out the video I link in the caption under where drug kingpin King asks the heroes to save his daughter. If you imagine Sarah is actually male, it's quite fitting.

[qwertysaur]

Well from the looks of it Jorge is thinking about killing everything in his path, qwert~ is thinking about doorknobs and waffles, Laddy is thinking about finding a new robe to wear with Labor day a few days away, and DD is thinking of how to annoy Jorge. :bigsmile:

[Jiro]

Taking bets on what DD will call Jorge next too :p

[qwertysaur]

Jamal
Jerome
Jordan
Ashley
"Watch out that goblin is about to bite you in the face!"

[TrollHunter]

This is great, I'm enjoying this a lot.

[Jiro]

So our drug baron named King had finally shut up. It would usually be a time for a great joy and relaxation. What does Jorge do? HE GOES AND TALKS TO THE KING AGAIN.


http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxd5uLIHF1r2zn4to1_250.png
I can't tell if he's just talking aloud or actually to us...

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxd7eDv9g1r2zn4to1_250.png
I would be worried if King had known Garland
was a child kidnapper and still let him babysit.

http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxdavwpnn1r2zn4to1_250.png
Once again. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lztwjgD10Yw&NR=1)

Finally, King has shut up. Now Jorge, let's leave before anyth--

Hello Chancellor.

Fffffffuuuuu--


http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxdd4cg9s1r2zn4to1_250.png
This is probably the oddest bit of information we've received so far actually.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxdefa0hI1r2zn4to1_250.png
We're going to talk to her anyway. I love strippers.

We left the fancy pants crib and started heading towards the exit. Of course nothing ever goes to plan, does it?

Can we look around for some free stuff?

Why do you want to look around for free stuff? You're a crap thief anyway, I'm sure you've got some kind of weird morality problem with taking free samples at the supermarket!

That reminds me, can we pick up some doughnuts when we get there?

Get where?

The supermarket Jenkins! WHERE ELSE?

This put Jorge in a pretty bad mood, so he decided to piss everyone off just so we could all feel as rubbish as he did. How did he do this? He spoke to every damn person in King's crib.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxdh4VFJX1r2zn4to1_250.png
No sh</>it, Sherlock.

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxdkhS3oz1r2zn4to1_250.png
He reminds me of someone...

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxdlhBirG1r2zn4to1_250.png
HE WAS THE GUY WHO SMASHED OUR HEADS IN.

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxdnjTSOz1r2zn4to1_250.png
Then we met this guy.

I like your hair man. I want my hair like yours.

Oh yes, let me style it for you Deedee, it'll look sublime~


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxdonod2j1r2zn4to1_250.png

You're not real good at taking a compliment, are you?


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxdpotyJ11r2zn4to1_250.png
Jorge still wasn't satisfied. What is his problem anyway?
Is it just too hot under that hat of his?

GOOD GRIEF WOMAN WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR

Maybe she just likes the colour green! DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT? Green is my favourite colour you jerk :aimsad:

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE HAS URINATED IN HER HAIR AND THEN BLOWDRIED IT

I'm beginning to regret this now.


http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxdso3dxa1r2zn4to1_250.png
We met King's crack ho "Jayne" and...

ANOTHER ONE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE? DO YOU KNOW NOTHING OF STYLE? AS A CHIROTONSOR, AN ARTISTE DE LA CRINAL, I MUST OBJECT TO SUCH ILL TREATMENT OF ONE'S LOCKS!

What did he say?

He said let's keep walking Barry.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxdtsIZxA1r2zn4to1_250.png
...whoops.

http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxdvbCEbO1r2zn4to1_250.png
Uh oh...

THAT DOES IT. WE'RE GOING TO GO AND MURDER THE HAIRDRESSER HERE.

His name is Garland.

RIGHT, GARLAND, I'M GOING TO smurf YOU WITH SCISSORS. HAIRDRESSING SCISSORS.

[Rantz]

Yay, cut his braids off!

[Jiro]

While it was nice to have Laddy fired up and ready to kill, it was actually pretty hazardous to be around him at a time like this. His speciality scissors were now cutting the air frantically as he tried to contain his deep set anger. Jorge had a brilliant idea -- let's keep walking around talking to people. In fairness though, DD's suggestion was worse.

Let's go talk to that Jayne chick again.

Yeaaaah no. :colbert:


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxe07hIO31r2zn4to1_250.png
We met this guy with an epic beard.


Those ancient weapons wouldn't be, y'know, free by any chance, would they?

BEARD....GOOD....RAGE...SUBsiding...


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxe9auca41r2zn4to1_250.png
The Warriors of Light are here. The ancient powerful weapons are here.
The key is somewhere else. WTF were you thinking!?


Seriously, what were you thinking?!


http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxebtOmBx1r2zn4to1_250.png
Jorge tried to smash the door down. With his face.


Yep, okay, that didn't work. I feel really dizzy now could somebody please :barf:


http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxeflZTH61r2zn4to1_250.png
We took Jorge outside to get some fresh air.


Once he was feeling better and not barfing all over his robe, we decided to head into Cornelia town proper.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3f6dFSM71r2zn4to1_250.png
BAD IDEA BAD IDEA


We decided to duck into the INN and avoid the wrath of Laddy in Hulk mode.


http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3f8zqhsJ1r2zn4to1_250.png
We found some more wise dudes with epic beards!

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3ftfQ54J1r2zn4to1_250.png
http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3fv6AO431r2zn4to1_250.png
http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3fxgZ9lG1r2zn4to1_250.png
And Jorge proceeded to ignore them all.
Is he trying to kill us?


The sight of some sweet beards seemed to calm the rage in Laddy, and so we braved outside once more. It was... real green outside.

Do you have a smurfing problem with that, narrator?

Uhh, no sir. Good grief, everyone is so tetchy around here. Take some chill pills or something. Smoke a bud, it's green.

Are you wisecracking me? Because I swear man, I've had it up to about here with these jokes. You're always making fun of me for my name or my favourite colour or my job. My parents didn't love me, alright? They were too busy being popular on the internet.

Oh.

Sorry.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3g0jicv81r2zn4to1_250.png
We found the stripper, so everyone was happy.


Blue hair, so lovely~

Yes, even Laddy was happy.

Could you, uh, do that dance one more time?

We really ought to be goi-- oh yeah, that's the way.


http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3g91tfij1r2zn4to1_250.png
This guy was kinda emo. I don't know how,
the stripper was right there.

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3ge45o1M1r2zn4to1_250.png
I tried to push Jorge in the well to see if that would make him
STOP TALKING TO EVERY FREAKING PERSON HE SEES.


We decided to head to the armour shop to have a little bit of a browse.


http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3ghkgf5R1r2zn4to1_250.png
Qwert~ liked the guy's hat.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3gjclxvC1r2zn4to1_250.png
The = means your equipment is the same, or just as good!
I'm glad we were all wearing clothes.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3gm8x3Om1r2zn4to1_250.png
The UP arrow means it's better!


We ended up buying some Leather Armour for Qwert~ and some Chain Mail for DD. Somehow it was all within our budget!


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3gsiVXKD1r2zn4to1_250.png
DD was eager to try on his new threads. Links. Whatever.


Then it was off to the store full of sharp, stabby things; Ye Olde Weapone Shoppe!


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3hmwVOgt1r2zn4to1_250.png
Laddy liked his rugged features, beard and strong comforting hands...

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3i0odS2e1r2zn4to1_250.png
I will always call it a "Rapey-er". For, y'know, Rapeying.


We bought two Rapey-ers, one for Qwert~ and one for DD, and also a shiny new Hammer for Laddy. It was a risk, giving a guy prone to psychotic outbreaks a huge hammer, but we wanted him to be dangerous when it came time to battle Garland.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3i25srR71r2zn4to1_250.png
I was going to push Jorge into the fountain, but, eh.
Next time.

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3i55WTfg1r2zn4to1_250.png
I can't tell if this is a black joke, or a reference to the vomiting earlier.


We continued following Jorge on his ever present quest to talk to every single person on the entire planet.

Look I have a problem ALRIGHT JUST LEAVE IT ALONE.

Sounds like a bit of OCD to me.

IT'S CDO YOU MUST ARRANGE THE LETTERS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER.

Settle. the smurf. down.

Sorry.


http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3icswPkA1r2zn4to1_250.png
MMM, SMELLS LIKE FORESHADOWING

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3ihrfoq11r2zn4to1_250.png
I prefer ninjas, but a pirate is fine too (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wu4Nq2wioT4).


We went to the item shop next.


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3imboOt41r2zn4to1_250.png
The guy wears a teapot on his head.

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3iolcSkz1r2zn4to1_250.png
We didn't buy anything, especially not sleeping bags. These slackers
are going to learn to rough it in the wild.


And then we went...to church.


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3ivepEcy1r2zn4to1_250.png
And this track (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiWV2KseKeo) came on my iTunes.


-----

What goes on while our heroes are in the church? Is one of them -- *gasp* -- a heathen? Well all of them are, but that isn't part of the big reveal! The next instalment is jam-packed full of exciting information, so find out what really happens next in the next episode!

[Pumpkin]

It's very enjoyable despite the lack of shion.

[qwertysaur]

I think the last image is incorrect, it's the item shop screen again. :shobon:

Also Jorge forgot to go to the magic shops. He needs the power to burn things! :bigsmile:

[Jiro]

Good spotting qwerty! You might have failed as a future-father already, but you've got a keen eye :D

Don't worry shion, I'll name an NPC after you or something :monster:

Oh, and don't worry, the magic shops haven't been forgotten ;)

[Pike]

We decided to head to the armour shop to have a little bit of a browse.

At first glance I thought this said "have a little bit of booze" and I thought it was appropriate

[qwertysaur]

Good spotting qwerty! You might have failed as a future-father already, but you've got a keen eye :D

Don't worry shion, I'll name an NPC after you or something :monster:

Oh, and don't worry, the magic shops haven't been forgotten ;)
We played extreme hide and seek with qwert~ where we hid the cookies from him and if he got caught he would have to only eat Adachi's cabbages while Ameno-sagiri watched. The games allowed him to be quite quick on his feet, but made him a bit wary of cabbages I'm afraid. :(

Shion and a special mystery person should be the traveling magic shopkeepers! :jess:

[Laddy]

DIE MOTHERFUCKER I GOTS ME A HAMMER!

Oh, and this is simply amazing, Bless you, Jiro.

[qwertysaur]

I am getting a reading from the future. Jorge must take caution after seeing the lone wolf, for it preludes the attack of the servants of death.:(

[Jiro]

You guys have no idea how tedious it is to upload these images on my internet. I promise you, a new entry is coming soon, I just want to upload all the images I have so far.

(I just made it to Pravoka and I'm already at 163 xD)

[Pumpkin]

Well you'd better hurry it up Jiro, because I refuse to eat until you add to this.

I'm not serious about that.

[Jiro]

We left our party in the church with some dramatic music playing. That was all an unnecessary cliffhanger, because absolutely nothing goes on here.


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr6zmnwNT91r2zn4to1_250.png
No need to worry. Yet.

Jorge was adamant that we talk to everyone. He didn't want to miss any information or clues, hints or even treasure. Everybody else just kind of followed him, shuffling their feet and looking at the ground as he barged into people screaming HELLO MY NAME IS JORGE TELL ME YOUR INFORMATION CITIZEN.


http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr6zpsJ8FR1r2zn4to1_250.png
Another victim of Garland's barbershop.

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr6ztsnNAt1r2zn4to1_250.png
He doesn't sound convinced. Cheer up dude,
we're here to save the day.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr70gzlLQT1r2zn4to1_250.png
Sounds like Lukahn liked his herbs.
If you know what I mean.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8f7cWDjt1r2zn4to1_250.png
This guy is a trainee sage. You can tell because
his beard isn't huge and grey.

And then we remembered a vital piece of information. Nobody had brought the smurfing spellbooks. So off we went to buy some new ones. The Black Magic store was first.


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8fd9A5H01r2zn4to1_250.png
You could smell the tension with a knife.

We meet again, Martyr.

Who the heck are you?

You're.. you're kidding, right? It's me, Jorge! We went to Magic School together!

Right, you're the weirdo who always said he was going to become a barbarian and that magic was tit.

...Yeah that's me.

So what can I do you for?

Just a fire spell for my friend uhh, uhh, well see he's a red mage and uhh yeah just one fire please.

After that showdown between two old rivals, we headed onwards to the White Magic store!


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8gxg0o8Z1r2zn4to1_250.png
I like her jugs pots.

Hello brother dearest!

Who are you talking to, you crazy woman?

Sister dearest! :jess:

Oh boy.

Everyone, this is my sister Lassy. We're twins, would you believe it?

Pa thought we were both going to be girls so he tried to name my brother Lady!

So is Lady his real name or what?

I don't even care, I'm calling him Lady from now on. Hey Lady, watch out for that goblin. hahaha I'm such a dick :shobon:

Okay Lassy just gimme a cure spell and we'll be on our way. Gosh why do you always have to embarrass me in front of my friends I thought maybe DD and I could be something special but you went and ruined it. :(

And with those two awkward encounters, it was finally time to g--

GO TO THE SEASIDE.


http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8gzgEpPt1r2zn4to1_250.png
They left when Laddy offered Jorge a pair of
speedos to swim in.

It was then time to get on with the mission. This is too much effort sometimes, I don't know why I bother. I should follow around that stripper girl instead.


http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8jhm5Lbx1r2zn4to1_250.png
A Goblin Guard seeking revenge for our
wanton goblin massacre earlier.

And then it got worse.


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8jjtcuci1r2zn4to1_250.png
Much worse.

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8jl4OOQG1r2zn4to1_250.png http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8jmzGfdg1r2zn4to1_250.png
Jorge turned up the heat!

The battle was fierce, and Jorge found himself wounded quite badly. But it was Laddy to the rescue!


http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8joqUR5f1r2zn4to1_250.png http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8jqggyrk1r2zn4to1_250.png
The sparkly balls of light rescue!

Qwert~ and DD did not want to feel left out of the fight though!


http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8jvgW4ty1r2zn4to1_250.png http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8k10meUJ1r2zn4to1_250.png
DD really wanted a new myspace photo too.

The battle was soon won, and everybody felt stronger for it. TIME FOR FANFARE MUSIC.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8k2w7wF71r2zn4to1_250.png
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8k3uxouF1r2zn4to1_250.png http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8k5oe7kt1r2zn4to1_250.png
Obviously I love Qwert~ just as much as his parents, because I forgot to screenshot his level up.

And with that, the first boss battle is completed!

Uhm. That wasn't a boss battle. There was no cool death effects or sounds or anything.

So it was just a really really hard ordinary encounter?

Just because you almost died doesn't mean we found it challenging.

Onwards, then? We took a look at the bridge.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8k7nbETz1r2zn4to1_250.png
Honestly, we could jump that gap.

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8kahsj7m1r2zn4to1_250.png
We found this weird ass cave too.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8kcvOWVc1r2zn4to1_250.png
At the level up, I gained a new ability.
I can see place names in my photos now!

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8kf7iN5D1r2zn4to1_250.png http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8kg3BGlD1r2zn4to1_250.png
We met a crazy guy who spoke in tongues.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8khglPjE1r2zn4to1_250.png
Apparently this decomposing skeleton smelled bad.
Go figure.

We left the crazy cave and headed north some more. The Chaos Shrine was in sight now, but there were still some challenges to be faced.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8kjwDOMC1r2zn4to1_250.png
Like spiders.

My favourite thing about spiders is that DD is afraid of them. He's like Ronald Weasley, except instead of being cute, British and ginger, he is only one of those things.


http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8kn87cxK1r2zn4to1_250.png
We beat up a lone wolf. I gotta bad
feeling about this.

And then there was the moment that changed our lives forever.


http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8kp1uLWb1r2zn4to1_250.png
HAHA EAT tit AND DIE JORGE!

Ahem. Jorge was beaten senseless by a pair of skeletal warriors from the realm of the dead. I don't know how they were walking around in sunlight, I thought they were like vampires and burned up. Or at least sparkled, or something.

But with Jorge KO'ed, the party retreated back to Cornelia. They had to pray for Jorge's safe passing into the next life.


http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8kvxTkiN1r2zn4to1_250.png
No, that's cool we'll just pray for him.
Oh alright, fine...

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8kxi6v5I1r2zn4to1_250.png
On second thought, nah, it's cool. Out of our price range.
Aw fine just make it quick.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8kyrW0dM1r2zn4to1_250.png http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8l8qLYeb1r2zn4to1_250.png
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8la5nN8a1r2zn4to1_250.png http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8lceJEOj1r2zn4to1_250.png
That was a little too "magical" for a church if you ask me.

And then, after much ado, it was time for our journey to begin proper.

Under new guidance. With a new champion.

Everyone, please welcome the new party leader.


http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8lnet1NR1r2zn4to1_250.png
Minasan, let's do our best and try to win!

[Laddy]

Oh yeah, we're bad!

[qwertysaur]

You did it qwert~, we are so proud of you! :kaoclove:

[Jessweeee♪]

:kaoclove:

[Pike]

You know I always thought they must have some serious overpopulation problems in that game if you can just rez anyone who dies for 40 gil

"Ugh, Grandpa had the heart attack and keeled over again. Quick, let's go outside and find a couple of monsters."

[Martyr]

There's no way they'll make it without Jorge in the lead.

[Jiro]

With Qwert~ in charge, there was a change of pace for our heroes. Qwert~ didn't want to be throwing away his precious gold to revive Jorge all the time, so he created an intensive fitness program called "beating the tit out of monsters".

You are not going to bed until you've all reached level 5!

You're a cruel and twisted man you know.

Shut it you wimp. You want to be a leader, then show some determination! FIGHT FIGHT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT. Garland is not going to simply keel over and die when he sees your face, so you need to be stronger!

And true to his word, once they hit level five, the party returned to Cornelia to rest up for the big day. There was no rest day, to give the party's muscles time to recover from their training regime. No, he didn't want to be late (http://www.nuklearpower.com/2001/10/16/episode-087-a-day-late-and-a-buck-short/).


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8mc1w36v1r2zn4to1_250.png http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8mjoyRDR1r2zn4to1_250.png
Going to sleep is almost as expensive as coming back from the dead!

Qwert~ was running a tight ship, with a lot of rules and regulations. He was a particular fan of formations.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8mldsHYu1r2zn4to1_250.png
Light Warriors, prepare for sleep!
(They also did a celebratory cheer when they woke up.)

And now, with our party feeling refreshed and eager to face the challenges of the day ahead of them, it was off and onwards to the Chaos Shrine at long last.


http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8mn7wCX81r2zn4to1_250.png
This is the most ominous building
I have ever seen.

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8mqhePu11r2zn4to1_250.png
It's falling apart on the inside too.
Great.

Hold on one gosh darn minute guys.

Do we have to stand in the idling formation or loitering formation?

No it'll be the important mission update formation.

Ahh, good point Janus.

Can you smell that?

Has a bat defecated on you?

No! I smell...TREASURE!

(Qwert~ gained the Treasure Sense skill!)

To the left, follow me!


http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8ms2PrKB1r2zn4to1_250.png
Just don't forget to equip it like I did.

Now to the north!


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8mt2KC3o1r2zn4to1_250.png http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8mu1WmMX1r2zn4to1_250.png
Now we can play spin the bottle in our tent!

To the right, which can only be east if north was up!

That was an unnecessary clarification.

Did you say something DD?

I said "yay treasure".


http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8mvmENzo1r2zn4to1_250.png http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8mwkWuAr1r2zn4to1_250.png
Both the top-right and bottom-right doors are locked by the stupid Mystic Key.

Then it was time for the ultimate showdown.

After we fought our way through all these damn monsters.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8my6fdD51r2zn4to1_250.png
Jorge got revenge on the skeletons.

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8n0rfiL41r2zn4to1_250.png
King should be worried about a zombie outbreak
so close to his place.

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8n32EMCb1r2zn4to1_250.png
Ghouls are basically super-zombies.
Fire still burns them!

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8ncv9wWy1r2zn4to1_250.png
I regret killing those wolves earlier...

After all these battles, we actually made it to level 6 too, so we were feeling super prepared to take on the definitely evil but maybe just misunderstood Garland.

In the centre of the building, in probably the most ominous room in the most ominous building I have ever seen, Garland awaited us. Well, he was really just kind of dicking around and we were a complete and utter surprise.


http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8nihpqPP1r2zn4to1_250.png http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8nihpqPP1r2zn4to2_250.png
Is being a drug king pin really that cool? Also, note to self, don't discuss plan out loud to myself.

Yeah hi. We're the Light Warriors, and we're he--

TO MURDER YOU FOR BEING A RUBBISH HAIRDRESSER. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HAIR DO YOU? I BET YOU'RE BALD UNDER THAT STUPID PURPLE HELMET. THE TIME FOR DISCUSSION IS OVER, IT'S NOW HAMMER TIME.


http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8nihpqPP1r2zn4to3_250.png http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8nihpqPP1r2zn4to4_250.png
I SAID STOP AND HAMMER TIME.

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8nihpqPP1r2zn4to5_250.png
CUE BATTLE THEME! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JW3-hPrhdhY)

So yeah, some tit happened then. It was a pretty easy battle, considering our fighting prowess and Laddy's rage. I swear he damn near cut off Garland's head with a hammer.


http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8nm8QUlh1r2zn4to1_250.png http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8nm8QUlh1r2zn4to2_250.png
How we started the fight and || How we ended the fight (with Garland disintegrating!)

The battle was won, we celebrated a bit lot and then we perched creepily over this unconscious and probably sexually attractive female.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8ntmms771r2zn4to1_250.png
I hope the bats haven't defecated on her.

----

What will happen to Princess Sarah, the young defenceless girl collapsed on the floor? Will our party members be able to fight off the hordes of bats to protect her, or will they become the bats themselves? (Hint: Neither.) Tune in next time for Episode Six; I'm on a Bridge Mothersmurfer!

[Yar]

You're playing this game really slowly!

[Jiro]

When we last saw our brave Light Warriors, they were perched creepily above the unconscious and vulnerable Princess Sarah.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8ntmms771r2zn4to1_250.png
Like this.

Fortunately the most lecherous of our companions was Laddy, and he wasn't really interested in her for some reason. Anyway, the sound of the thousands of nearby bats just kind of flapping about woke Sarah up and, for some reason, she didn't flip her tit.


http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8ntmms771r2zn4to2_250.png http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8ntmms771r2zn4to3_250.png
On what evidence is she basing her claim that we're here to rescue her?
I cannot possibly see how she was kidnapped.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8ntmms771r2zn4to4_250.png http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8ntmms771r2zn4to5_250.png
And this is why good kidnappers have accomplices. "Oh, you beat up that guy? Here have the keys to my house!"

And thus we teleported from the rubbish Chaos Shrine back to King's crib. Thank smurf we're out of that crappy temple. Now let's never go there again. EVER.


http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8o2toE4c1r2zn4to1_250.png http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8o2toE4c1r2zn4to2_250.png
I see where she gets it from now. We just beat up a guy who was barely stronger than a
couple zombies wandering around outside his front door. How does this make us heroes?

http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8oayL37A1r2zn4to1_250.png
Oh god, here we go.

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8oayL37A1r2zn4to2_250.png http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8oayL37A1r2zn4to3_250.png
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8oayL37A1r2zn4to4_250.png
That's a bit depressing really.

Let me get this straight. The prophesy doesn't foretell our coming, it's just that if we're not the Warriors of Light, then the whole world is gonna need a torch?

That's not quite it. The Crystals control the elements of our world, and maintain a balance. If they are thrown out, then all hell will break lose. Quite literally, according to some legends.

I reckon we could fight some demons. Did you see the way I handled those goblins?

How about the way those skeletons handled your ass, Liam?

Uhh yeah well YOUR FACE IS A SKELETON!

OH GOD NOT MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!

NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE!

*sigh* So King, you were saying?


http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8oayL37A1r2zn4to5_250.png
But there's no bridge.

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8oayL37A1r2zn4to6_250.png
BUT THERE'S NO BRIDGE!

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8oayL37A1r2zn4to7_250.png
Oh good, he understands. Mind you, I'd prefer
something a little more valuable than a bridge.
How about some cash money, big daddy?

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8oayL37A1r2zn4to8_250.png
I, too, hope we succeed in not becoming dead.

Qwert~ used his Treasure Sense and it resonated with Sarah. That, or he thinks she's cute and wanted to get to know her better. Either way, he started chatting her up with her.


http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8of3qzdZ1r2zn4to1_250.png http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8of3qzdZ1r2zn4to2_250.png
http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8of3qzdZ1r2zn4to3_250.png http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8of3qzdZ1r2zn4to4_250.png
I want to know how she thinks this instrument will help us in our battle to save the world.
Laddy will probably just use it to become Laddy Lute and lure young boys away or something.

It was time to go and so Jorge and DD dragged Qwert~ out of the main chamber. Qwert~ wiped away a single tear and steeled himself to return to his beloved when the world was saved.

I did not!

Hey man, I'd take that one. You sound really badass and brave.

I, well, sure, okay. That's what I did then. She is cute but.

Before we left on our Crystal Quest of Convenience, Qwert~ had one last chat to Awesome-Hair-Guy (who we learned was named Andy).


http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8oifNXiL1r2zn4to1_250.png http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8oifNXiL1r2zn4to2_250.png
It can shatter the gateway of evil. Smurf yeah, what an instrument!

And you guys thought the lute wasn't good loot.

Forget I said anything. Let's go shatter some freaking evil.

I got dibs on it first. I want to try and play Toxicity by System (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMKmQmkJ9gg).

So long Andy of the awesome hair :(

When we left the castle, some awesome upbeat music started playing and then we all had sort of an out-of-body experience.

Click Me! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3sXIdv7LwY)

It was particularly strange because we all dreamed that DD was the party leader and he was some kind of buff macho man. This is of course absurd because he has to use big swords to fight, his fists would break if he tried to hit anything.

After that though, we woke up on the bridge. I have to say, I never thought I'd see the day.


http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr8p5nLZAu1r2zn4to1_250.png
I wish T-Pain were here to see this.

----
How did our heroes get suckered into a world saving mission? Are they cut out to be Warriors of Light? Will they get paid for this? These and many more questions will be asked in the next episode; Witches and Pirates!

[I Don't Need A Name]

Well at least my awesome hair prevailed, and I taught Laddy how to shatter the backdoor gateway of evil!

[qwertysaur]

And the light warriors never looked back as the kingdom of Cornelia went into an age of ruin as the king spent all of their resources to drill for mana...

Good Job qwert~! :kaoclove: Your treasure sense will lead to you victory! and if it leads you to monsters you can use DD as a meat shield! :bigsmile:

[Jiro]

We stood on that bridge for what seemed like an eternity. Obviously it wasn't; the world hadn't gone into meltdown yet, so our mission was still on schedule. Why're we doing this again?

We're the only ones who can! Plus, Princess Sarah might like me a bit more if we save the world :blush:

It's just something to do.

There might be more evil hairdressers out there. I have to put a stop to their reign of terror! I also must find one of these crystals to bring back to Andy :love:

I like my steak medium rare. If the world goes to hell, there'll only be crispy steaks. Hell no. Hey that was a pun!

Anyway, it was time for us to wander onwards. We weren't really sure where we were going, but I remember that one guy talking about pirates. Everybody loves pirates, so we were heading onwards to Pravoka!

Where is that, again?

East. Ish. We'll figure it out as we go along.

Right.

We had to fight some battles along the way, big surprise. We were on a high after our defeat of Garland, but things were certainly a bit tougher on this side of the bridge.


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That ogre's club was as thick as my whole body...or DD's skull. Hey! |
| The wolves and goblins were teaming up against us now!

Eventually we made it....somewhere.


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Sounds legit.

Uh, hello? Anyone home?

Does anyone hear...sweeping?

There are spiders in caves. Can we leave now?

Can't say I like the decor. Purple is in this season though!

Huh, guess nobody's home. Treasure time!


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Oh tit, we're spotted!

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Disregard that, all systems green.

Poor woman can't see a thing! No wonder her decor is so bad!

Crystal eye? Sounds like treasure. I wonder where we can find it!

You lost me at crystal.

I mean what's with this rug, it's like ten metres across! Buy some carpet!

If she's just lost it, it must be around here somewhere!


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Oh.

Well I guess we're not finding any treasure here. We'll come back later and see if she has anything to borrow.

yer certainly a lot better at being a thief these days.

Yeah, like you've got less...morals or something.

Huh. I don't know, but I've had this insatiable itch ever since we opened those treasure boxes a while back.

Oh god he's a klepto. Just don't steal my robe, okay? Just leave the robe alone.

Whatever, let's just leave.

That damned swishing again!


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Ambushed by magical talking brooms. Not how I imagined the end.

They seem to be speaking in some sort of code...

I speak the language of cleaning, I know the answer!

Yeah okay just be quiet a minute and let me figure this out. There's some scrap paper in my back pocket...


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Wouldja look at that. A damn map!

He said B Button Select. It's how you find the map.

Hey yeah, that's written on his back pocket!

Don't be stu-- so it is! Well isn't that a good bit of luck?

But I figured it out :(

Now that I've found the map, we can go to Pravoka!

Of course, there were more battles along the way.


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Giant worms and crazy horses, just what I needed!

But a few fights and a level later, the Level 7 Light Warriors entered the besieged town of Pravoka.

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THANK GOD, CIVILISATION

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Doesn't seem to be a whole lot going on at the moment.

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If the guy with the green death hawk is freaking out
we better be prepared for a fight.

Good point, narrator. I'm glad we talked to Mr. NCG Greenhawk. Let's rest up at the inn!


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Time is of the essence? Nonsense! Sleep on it :aimsun:

Much better. Now let's make sure we're properly outfitted!

WHOO SHOPPING TRIP!


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Ewww, that Iron Armour makes you look fat.
And metal.

Laddy was still sulking about the map incident when we went to the White Magic store, so we didn't buy any new spellbooks for him.

I was not sulking.

Well, I guess he just didn't like the spells then.

Exactly.

Jorge, on the other hand...

I am smurfing invincible now. I have Blizzard, for freezing the enemies' ballsacks off.

wat :|

I have Slow, so our enemies will move like snails and I can run around and moon them.

srsly wat :|

And I bought Temper so I can make DD hit harder. He hits like a pussy at the moment and that'll be no good if a boss comes around.

Come here and say that Marick, I'll show you what I can do to yer ballsack.

SRSLY WAT :|

I did not mean that as it sounded. Honestly. Oh smurf. Ohhhh smurf.

You were saying? :bigsmile:

Alright let's just get back to the shopping. We upgraded weapons too. Qwert~ got a Scimitar.

I might be able to trick the pirates into thinking I'm with them!

DD got a Broadsword, because the Battle Axe was too heavy and slow. Jorge was rustling around in the backpacks and decided Laddy's old Staff was cooler than a Knife.

I'm a barbarian for crying out loud, a tiny little knife looks stupid. Now I can bludgeon with this lump of wood!

We all got Leather Gloves too, to keep our hands warm during the cold nights out in the wilderness. There was also the high five incident...

You promised not to talk about that.

I'm not talking about it! Honest! I just mentioned it! I'll stop, chill out, it's okay!

We'll see. If I could see you, I'd steal yer wallet.

We sold our old Rapey-ers, Knives and the spare Clothes.

What am I going to wear on casual Friday?

It's No-Pants Friday.

Oh well that's easy.

We didn't have quite enough to buy Iron Armour for DD, and because he bitched and moaned about it, we went out of Pravoka to hunt some monsters for more gil.


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I can't hear the battle over the sound of the looting and pillaging.

With all of that taken care of, we headed back into town for our showdown with the pirates. NCG did promise us a reward if we took them out, right?

Killing is its own reward.

That is really smurfing morbid.

Sorry, I didn't get my cornflakes this morning.


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On the subject of keelhauling (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta-Z_psXODw)...

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9v4? yer brave to take on Jorge the Barbarian with those odds!

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I'm gonna moon ya, I'm gonna moon ya.

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And BAM, the ballsack's gone! No seriously, stop that tit.

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Not pictured: Laddy saving everyone's (mainly Jorge) asses with Cure.

Ha ha! That was an easy fight.

Ha yeah... yeah it sure was! ...ha ha. *wheeze*


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I don't know if we can forgive you that easi-- wait a minute, did you say we get yer ship? All's forgiven!

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Now at least one of my childhood dreams has come true.
(One day I'll meet you Batman, one day!)

Alright, where should we go first?

Steakhouse.

Who cares, let's just sail! I can be like a VIKING now!

Shouldn't we like, say thank you or something?

Ugh... fine. Let's say thank you to Bikke.


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No you can't have the boat back. It's mine!
My precious.

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It's good to know that killing a man's friends can
help him turn his life around.

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...I did until you said that.

Anyway, as we were walking and discussing where to head next, this random sage who wasn't standing there before came up and was all in our grillz.


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It's no "would you kindly", but it might just work.

So, where to?

We head west.


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For Melmond.

----

Will our brave Light Warriors make it to Melmond? Have they forgotten all about their Crystal Quest of Convenience? And what of Matoya's crystal eye? This is a tale of many questions, and few answers! But find out more in the next episode; Sailing On The Seven (Give or Take) Seas!

Hey man, thanks for doing these little updates at the end of each entry. It's nice to have it all sort wrapped up nicely, and let's everyone know what to look forward to next time.

Yeah sure, it's no problem. Just happy to be of service to a fellow disembodied narrator!

Hey, you and me should get a beer sometimes. I'm sure the Light Warriors will manage to survive that long without us looking after them.

Sounds like a date! ...No homo.

No homo.

:beer:

(Hey, I heard that! :nonono:)

[Laddy]

Awesome episode as usual! Keep it up!

[qwertysaur]

Temper is a wonderful spell. :p

If Laddy cringed from the sight of Matoya's cave, then he is probably going to go berserk when he sees the marsh cave.

[Jiro]

D'ya thinks it such a good idea to continue while yer a wee bit tipsy still?

ahaha course I do! What the worst that can happen? :bigsmile:

Awwrightio then, see ya after t' episode.

Riiiiiiiiight where were we at 'fore of all that? Aahhhhh yesssh. I 'member now.


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Here!

And we was headin' erm well not too sure about that one.

West.

Riiiiight! That beardy guy was all, "save my fish pond!" and tit.

He wanted us to save his town, Melmond.

Same differentials! Jus' git on the boot and let's roll!

It's a ship, and we're sailing. You have to use the right terminology if you want yer scout badge!

I dunt care if it's a bloomin' hellcopter, we do this my way or the motorway. Now let's roll the boot!

(We just have to make do.)

AH! WHATDASMURFISDAT!


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Wanna hear a joke? COURSE YA DO. Where me buccaneers? ON ME BUCKIN' HEAD. :hahaha: || osmurfitsashark!

Guys guys guys, that was smurfing scary. TOO MUCH MAN NO WAY AM I FIGHTIN SHARKS. Let's jus' play cards. OH OH HOW BOUT THIS GAME!? Hold erm hold the A Button an' press B Button lots, real fast like yer tryin' to um something.


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I SMURFIN LOVE PUZZLES

K well that took some time amirite? :)

We're on a time sensitive mission here. We need to gather intel as to the location of the crystals and prevent them from decaying any further.

I gotsa crystal in my pants wanna see? ;)

What are we doing with this idiot? I thought Henrique was stupid, but come on.

I can't believe you would compare the two of us. I am so offended, I've forgotten how to be angry.

Let's just do some training. The ocean is a good place for farming EXP and Gil. Buccaneers are loaded. I want me some of that coinage.


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ARE YOU EYEBALLIN' ME PUNK? ARE YA? I'LL GIT ME BUDDIES TO BEAT YOU UP.

Right, now that we're level 10, let's sail over to Cornelia and rest. It's cheaper there, you know?

So yer a penny pincher too now? I'm thinking it was better with me in charge :colbert:

Shaddup Kevin. When you were in charge, we spent days talking to every stupid looking idiot you could find. TWICE! At least Qwert~'s financial strategies mean I can upgrade my sexy armour whenever possible.


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Sleep is great! Sleep is for pussies!

Are you kidding me? You got drunk again?

We did body shots offa this monk dude. His abs were mental. You shoulda been there!

I wish I could have been there :(

OH YEAH! You woulda loved it mang, honest to odin man.

I don't know about you guys, but I think we need more intel. Relying on this guy is not a good idea.

Let's visit the stripper! For, you know, information gathering purposes only :shifty:


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She has nice...cheeks.

So, to the Western Keep then! Anybody know where that lies, apart from west?

OH ME PICK ME I KNOW.

Honestly?

YEAAAAAAH!

Which way then?

Gimme that map o' yers.


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We need to go here.
QNote: Don't listen to him, he's an imbecile.

Alright, let's go then.


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WE'REALLGONNADIEJUSTGIVEUPNOWANDTHEYMIGHTNOTPUNCTUREYOU

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NOTTHEWOLVESAGAINALWAYSTHEWOLVESWE'RESORRY

There is smurfing nothing out here guys.

Tarquin is right. I don't see no keeps, western or not.

Hang on a minute. *sniff* I smell...treasure!

This way!


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Too bright turn down the lights plz

This doesn't seem like the place we were looking for...

No, but there's treasure somewhere!

Is this...dirt? My robe is getting real dirty in here, I don't like it. Can we leave please?

Wait!


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For this and this!

Okay, I'm good to leave now. The other treasure is behind one of those stupid mystic key doors.

Hang on a minute. It's not right that we just walk in and steal all their tit without at least saying hello, right?

...:|

Ease up on the death stare, it's only a couple people, honest! We don't have to talk to everyone if you don't want to.


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whut

I understand the bearded hat men! I know what they sayin'!

Smurf it, we're leaving.

Guys guys guys guys I dunt think that'sa good idea.

Too bad. Everybody back on the ship!


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Oh, crap.

eheheheh they had to go to churchy dude in Cornville and wake up. They had a wicked hangover too :hahaha:

I'd like to table a motion.

We're not in a meeting, but go for it.

I vote DD becomes a meatshield for Laddy and I.

I would like to sexily second that marvellous motion.

Huh?

I'm tentatively trying out some awesome alliteration, it's a humorous habit I picked up while hiking in the Himalayas.

Whatever. All those in favour? Aye.

Aye.

Aye.

Smurf no, what?

The Ayes have it over the smurf no, whats. DD, yer a meatshield buddy.


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This is the thanks I get for saving yer lives.

Also, just so you all know, the map has only one accessible port left on it. We're going there.

So long as we're not listening to that idiot.

Who, me? AW C'MON YA BIG LUG.

That settles it then. We're heading south.

For... uh I'm not sure this time.

----

Just come back next time when I don't have a splitting headache, kay?

[Laddy]

Meat Shield make everything better.

[Rantz]

Entertaining as always :D

[Jiro]

Wait a minute, I know where we'd headed now!

Oh yeah? Where are we going then?

I'll tell you when we get there.

Why the hush-hush? Are you hiding something, you thieving little...uhh...thief?

We're not talking about it now. Just shut up and row.

But the wind's in our sails...

I SAID ROW, YOU LILY-LIVERED LANDLUBBERS!


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And so they did.

They embarked at a little port in the south, surrounded by forests. You know what lives in forests?


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Nope, smurf this, I quit.

Despite being struck with a dangerous poison, Qwert~ managed to lead our brave Light Warriors and DD to civilisation.

Hey, I'm brave!

Pretty sure you wet yourself.

THOSE SPIDERS WERE BIGGER THAN ALL OF US MAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Whatever, pussy :greenie:


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That's one big castle.

Everybody? Welcome...


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...to Elfheim. My hometown.

You're an elf?

Yes, yes I am. Hence my natural disposition towards the colour green. We love green. It rocks.

But what about your ears? You haven't got pointy ears or anything!

Oh I know, his ears got cut off in a freak juggling accident.

I just hide them under my bandanna, obviously.

omg YAY AN ELF! This is A-W-E-S-O-M-E♪

You're awfully excited about this.

Elves are sexy people. Very sexy people.

Uh well I'm just gonna collapse over here from the poison now.

Aw tit. Better go rest up at the inn. DD, you drag him.

Why me?

Because you're the meat head.

I thought I was the meat shield?

Same thing.


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Highway robbery, I tells ya!

But when they woke up, Qwert~ was still down with the sickness. The solution?


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Buy a titload of Antidotes.

There are a lot of poisonous monsters in the area, we should stock up on Antidotes.

What else can we buy?

It's time for another edition of Shopping Time!

This week we've purchased:

A Saber for Qwert~!
A Dagger for Jorge (the Barbarian)!
An Iron Shield for DD (the meat shield)!
Leather Caps for Jorge and Laddy!
A Helm for DD (the meat head)!


Well that's a pretty decent haul, I say. And now I can cut out my enemies' kidneys.

Maybe the shield will stop the enemies tearing me to pieces.

Can we sell the shield?

Quiet, quiet, I wanna buy some more spell books!

We went to the magic shops on the west of town. This was the fancy side of town, and everything was smurfing overpriced. Level 4 spell books setting you back two and a half grand. Each!

That is more overpriced than those blasted Copper Armlets. We're not getting any.

But but!

We'll go downtown and find some cheaper stuff, alright?

...Fine.

You should just learn to be a physical beast like me, then you don't even need magic!

If you're so amazing, why am I the meat shield?

Because...your face is already ugly, scaring it up might actually make it better!

Guys stop fighting FOR JUST ONE MINUTE. So they went downtown, and bought some more spell books.

Laddy was feeling a bit left out after last time (if you remember, he was sulking -WAS NOT!- unimpressed with the selection and didn't buy any spell books) so he bought three new spells: Cura, Diara and the very useful Heal.

Undead bitches beware, I will make you Die!-ara

That was a horrible pun.

Yo mama's a horrible pun.

Jorge bought Thundara because he was lacking a bit of spark in his day.

That's worse than mine.

Yo mama's worse than mine.

That joke is about three decades past its used by date. If you would like my saber to not enter your neck tonight, then you had best shut it. Now.

(Is it just me, or is he becoming really terrifying?)

(It's not just you.)

We need to collect some information. Before you all flip your tit, or in Jorge's case, cream your robe, it's only a few people, alright?

Actually no screw you all, this is my first time home in a long time, I want to talk to some old friends.


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Quentin is still dodging his responsibilities.

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Qwopington is still far too obsessed with Tolkien.

Someone is missing? Where's my brother? Where's my big bro?


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NOOOOoooooooooo

Dude I am so sorry.

He's gone to a better place now, it'll be alright Qwert~.

...I'm gonna go and smurf up some monsters.

Can anyone else see the steam like, exploding from his ears?

Pretty sure I got scalded by it.

We better go give him some help.


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Not even the Revenge of the Wolves could slow our heroes down.


----

We're gonna take a short break here while Qwert~ recovers from his grief. Meanwhile, the party will be running up a huge bill at the inn.

Why don't we stay at Qwert~'s house?

That was sold to pay for Link's funeral costs.

Oh man :(

Come back next time when our party return to wacky hijinks and there's less doom and gloom (hopefully!).

[Gamblet]

Heheh, Jiro made me grin with those dialogs. :cool: I have completed the game myself already, in fact I have completed every FF on PS1. :D I just love how the story goes deep at the middle/end of the game. :) Also, how many times have you completed FFI, Jiro?

[Jiro]

I've finished FFI probably 5 or 6 times, none of them recently enough to help me out during this playthrough either :p

Apologies for the wait too, it's a harder task than I first anticipated! Another entry will be here shortly.

[Jiro]

Once Qwert~'s rampage had ceased and he had simmered, we decided to make for the castle. Link had been close friends with the Elvish Prince, and Qwert~ wanted to hear from him what had happened.


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The best castle garden I ever saw.

We weren't met with good news though.


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Our next enemy is revealed: Astos!

I want to see him.

It won't make you feel any better.

Exactly.


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Rain check on the medicine; first we got bitches to slay!

As we were leaving, DD finally proved himself to be useful in more ways than just a meat shield.

What's that supposed to mean?

You used to be tit.

And you used to be cool. Wait, no, never happened. :kakapo:

You smart ass mother fuc-

Yeah, so as I was saying.

~Flashback~ You know who I miss? That stripper chick. Yeah, she went alright. Well fit.

...Western...Keep. We need to go to the Western Keep.

What?

The stripper, she told us about the Western Keep. That's why we came here in the first place. As much as it pains me, we must put aside my own personal quest and deal with our responsibilities as Light Warriors.

You're the boss! Let's do it~


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I am always reminded of Marlene's narration in Advent Children's intro - "There were a lot of battles."

We arrived though, safe and sound, at the Western Keep; a shadow of its former glory.


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I hope the rent's cheap.

We weren't alone.


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No, you're not getting my house key. I need it!

But I didn't just mean the bats. There was also company awaiting us in the one preserved room in the castle.


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That blasted Astos is at it again!

Another castle, another quest. It seems like every time we go to one of these places, some sod wants us to do something for him!

Part of the Light Warrior gig, we just have to roll with it I suppose.

Astos... he's behind it all, I can feel it. He's a blight on this land and a threat to my people. He must be stopped.

So we're going to the Marsh Cave then?

Yes.

It sounds dirty, I'm not looking forward to this. Though it can't be worse than the colour scheme in here, yuck. And the gaudy statues, what was he thinking?

We didn't want Laddy to piss him off, whether he was the king of a fallen kingdom or not. We weren't going to waltz in under prepared though, so we returned to Elfheim, with many many more battles beneath our belts and a fat stack of cash in hand.

You know what this means? That's right folks! Shopping Time!

10x Antidote
2x Gold Needle

Only a small haul in terms of items! But that's because we took a dive and wandered over to uptown Elfheim and bought some more spell books.

I'm bringing the heat and making it fast, with Fira and Haste. Why did I have to say that? I mean seriously, a ten year old could come up with better material.

Hey shut it, or you can become a mute character, alright? I have that power.

I got Poisona and Vox to try and save money on status restoring items. I mean seriously, buying more Antidotes was overkill. I can cure poison for like three MP! Talk about efficiency, bitches. :aimsun:

Hey I've got an idea! How about you shut up and put your money where your mouth is; it's time to walk the talk.

We headed west, and then south, weaving through the mountain passes and forests, until the earth became soggy and the mosquitoes became abso-smurfing-lutely fierce.


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They weren't the only things biting though!

Then we found it. Our destination, where two different paths met, at Astos, and the Marsh Cave.


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And it was just a fucking hole in the ground.

----

Will Qwert~ find out what happened to his brother Link? Will the Elvish Prince wake up? Will the Warriors of Light defeat the evil Astos and return the Western Keep to glory?

I know, but I'm not tellin' :bigsmile:

[Laddy]

Awesome epi as usual. :D