a thread where we just spam archer quotes and laugh amongst ourselves

[Jowy]

DANNY IS DEFINITELY FEELING SOMETHING!

[Tigmafuzz]

LANA!

[Freya]

Danger Zone...

[Jiro]

I'm just here for the smurfing laffs because I can't watch it in this country yet. Goddammit.

[ReloadPsi]

And also woefully esoteric.

[krissy]

it's like meowschwitz in there

[Hollycat]

What you should have gone with there was Sammy Gayvis Junior

[krissy]

when they're dead, they're just hookers!

[Shorty]

What's that smell?

Gravlax and failure.

[krissy]

this smells like indira ghandis thong

[Hollycat]

Do you want us to get ants? Because this is how you get ants Lana.
-mrs. Archer, Archer

This is why we can't have nice things
-many characters

Come to me knee, I shall add a hole your face
- skyrim archers

My name is Ben Wa
-Ben Wa

Balls!
-Archer

Because how hard is it to poach a damn egg?
-archer

[krissy]

MY VAN!

[McLovin']

"Lana.

Lana.

LAANAAAAAAAAAA--!"

"WHAT!?"

"....danger zoooone."

[krissy]

thank you, abelard

[I Took the Red Pill]

I fell in love with Archer when he referenced Bartleby, the Scrivener. As such, that is my favorite quote from the show, though I don't care to go digging it up and reposting so ya

[krissy]

I would … prefer not to? Bartleby, the Scrivener? Anybody? Not a big Melville crowd here, huh? He’s not an easy read.

[Trumpet Thief]

Just the tip!

[Jowy]

HE REMEMBERS ME!

[Parker]

thank you, abelard

came here to post this

[The Man]

I have waited my entire life to say this exact phrase: I am commandeering this airboat!

[Parker]

Is that an ocelot?!

[Tigmafuzz]

MY RUG

[krissy]

splooosh

[Shorty]

I learned that flammable and inflammable mean the same thing!

eric I love you for this thread and I'm rewatching archer just to post in here more

[Old Manus]

it'll be like the shawshank redemption, except with more tunnelling through shit, and no fucking redemption

[Shorty]

Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga. We got an ex-Mossad guy who comes in on Thursdays.

[krissy]

For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast,
And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed:
And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill,
And their hearts but once heaved, and for ever grew still!

The Destruction of Sennacherib - Lord Byron

What What Archer Pirate Virus - 57 Minutes Mix! WITH "LYRICS" - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzzqFFKwOik)

[Shorty]

ahaha what did I just watch

Alright, just pull the knife out and then slap saran wrap on the hole.

[krissy]

PHRASING!

[Hollycat]

And I'm happy I have an erection.
That didn't involve homeless people.

[krissy]

From there it's all just orcs, and golems, and Balrogs.

[Hollycat]

Like I bet he wishes he had Bilbo's cloak of dwarven mythril, am I right?
Imma take your word on that.

[Shorty]

Hey. Hey, proposition! First person to untie me - guy or gal - I will let him or her give me a handy. Come on, let's share the milk of human kindness!

[The Man]

Hostile work environment!

[Jowy]

yeah, basically just candy corn and zima

[The Man]

Krieger: Leave me alone! I am not a Nazi!
Cyril: What about your father?
Krieger: No! He was a scientist!
Cyril: Pretty sure the Nazis had scientists.
Krieger: No! That's why we...hurgh...they lost the war! Lack of science!

[Shorty]

PHRASING!

You want to play me hard? Well then you'd better nut up! Because I've swallowed just about as much as I can take from you!

[The Man]

Damn, I... had something for this, too... um... damn it. Eat grenade, stupids!

[ReloadPsi]

Damn, I... had something for this, too... um... damn it. Eat grenade, stupids!

"Where'd you get a grenade?"

"Hanging from the lampshade." (http://www.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LampshadeHanging)

[Tigmafuzz]

Please tell me that's a smoke grenade.

[The Man]

Archer: Woodhouse! What are you doing?
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down sir.
Archer: What, at the table? Like people?

[The Man]

What is it, the Alabama of Europe?

[Jowy]

i am head of KGB! i have my beets delivered!

[krissy]

yeaaah...what does a blimp do, pam?

[The Man]

Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants!

[Shorty]

Who's there!? What do you want?! Because all you're gonna get is holes! I-I mean holes in you, not my-

[Sephex]

I can hear their screams as their bones be collapsing like a math bomb.

[edczxcvbnm]

No! Lana! The helium!

[Shoden]

Bring back disco!

[The Man]

YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!

[Jowy]

mind if i glue up?

[The Man]

SmWeXaXvdeU

[Goldenboko]

Water? Never touched the stuff. Fish fuck in it.

[Jowy]

Nice read, Velma!

[The Man]

First of all, it's Y-Y-Zed. And second of all... No. I can't get it. It's impossible.

[Shorty]

His name's Gandalf and he's not a hippie?

[The Man]

Lying is, like, 95% of what I do.

[Shorty]

Hello, hook worms, get in my feet. Or whatever. Some kind of worms will get in your feet.

[The Man]

And that's why I never have sex with my coworkers. That, and no one ever lets me.

[Jowy]

Pam: "Houdini died of AIDS."
Cyril: "No! Why do you always say that?"

[Shorty]

This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby and named it this exact situation.

[The Man]

No, Babou, that was all sarcasm. YES, ALL OF IT, YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!

[Jowy]

Will somebody PLEASE shut up that damn coyote!

[The Man]

Every single noun and verb in that sentence totally arouses me.

[Shorty]

Sorry, let's just call it what it is. Food rapist.

[The Man]

See that? He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him. So you just watch your step, mister ... dammit.

[Hollycat]

See, what you should have gone with there, was Sammy Gayvis Jr.

[Shorty]

37634

Whoa! What, is diabetes busy?

[The Man]

You killed a black astronaut! That's like killing a unicorn!

[Jowy]

i wish we had a fort kickass to hang out in!

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] It's pretty hard to stay anonymous when you're the world's greatest secret agent.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Burt Reynolds:[/b] Well calling yourself that can't help.

[Shorty]

i wish we had a fort kickass to hang out in!

we need to decide on a flag for our fort

[Jowy]

i'll draft one up tomorrow at work.

"Paging Dr. Loggins!"

[The Man]

Obviously we're going to wait for her; she's the hot one.

[Jowy]

Barry, is that how you get ants?
Yes it is, other Barry, yes it is.

[The Man]

Hi, it's the 1930s. Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back? Call you back, 1930s. And, hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler. He's a bad egg.

[Shorty]

Woodhouse: Lieutenant Scripes abhorred the way Reggie, err, Captain Thistleton carried on with the men.
Archer: Yeah, didn't Oscar Wilde get hard labor for that?

[The Man]

Now shut up and kick in the door for me. And do it bad ass like I would. If I still had toe nails.

[Jowy]

Sir, that stolen lemur bit one of your prostitutes right in the face and she says she can't go to hospital because she's, quote, "tripping balls."

[Shorty]

Archer: There's your bomber.
Malory: Who?
Lana: What?
Archer: That guy. Beardsely McTurbanhead.
Malory: You idiot. That's Sandu Singh, the billionaire investor. He's a sikh.
Archer: Oh, so if he's not a Muslim he just gets a pass?

[The Man]

Do you like to travel? Because if you don't find that bag, I will empty the entire contents of your body and use your leathery skin as a replacement.

[Shorty]

37900

Your tears?

[Jowy]

Because how hard is it to poach a goddamn egg properly?!

Seriously, that's like, eggs 101 Woodhouse.

[krissy]

That's disgusting. If I wanted to look at your bare feet, Woodhouse, I'd sneak in and do it while you were asleep.

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Cheryl:[/b] Wait, how do you know Portugese?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Krieger:[/b] Because I grew up in Braz...istol County, Rhode Island. Lot of Portugese in Rhode Island.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Cyril:[/b] Where you're from.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Krieger:[/b] Born and raised.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Cyril:[/b] What's the state capital?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Krieger:[/b] ...Dallas?

[Shorty]

I'm gonna pain you dearly, Woodhouse, when I peel all your skin off with a flencing knife, sew it into Woodhouse-pajamas, and then set those pajamas on fire!

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Malory:[/b] This is why I can't have nice things!
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] Why, because you shoot them?

[CimminyCricket]

Danger zone!! :kakapo:

[The Man]

No no no no, like a big sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk and you think, yeah, ok he's going to give me mouth to mouth. Instead, he just starts choking the trout out of you, and the last sensation you feel before you die, is that he's squeezing your throat so hard that a big wet blob of drool drips off his teeth and just, plurp, falls right onto your popped out eye ball.

[Jowy]

So shut up and help me find the nutmeg and I'll make you some Malcolm X tea!

[The Man]

So you just listen to me, Mr Man. Get me some video footage of hot man on man action by tonight, or don't bother coming home!

[Shorty]

I have to go, but if I find one dog hair when I come back I'll rub sand into your dead little eyes. I also need you to buy sand. I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Mallory:[/b] ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to... Whore Island!
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] That's not... a real place.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Mallory:[/b] I have fifty agents who would literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square up your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be vacant! Sterling!
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Mallory:[/b] Have I made myself clear?!
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] You're looking for the answer "yes"?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Mallory:[/b] Yes.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] Then yes.

[Shorty]

The Isle of Man... oh my god, is that like Whore Island for women?

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Lana:[/b] [about Conway] And what do we know about this guy?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] Only that he's uncircumcised.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Lana:[/b] [Pause] Okay, glossing over how you know that—
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] We touched penises.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Lana:[/b] NO, GLOSSING! But wait, an uncircumsized Jewish guy? Isn't that kinda weird to you?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] What's weird about that? I'm not Jewish but I am circum—
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Lana:[/b] That's not how it works!
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] Oh Lana, I think we both know it works just fine.

[Shorty]

Lana: Aww, did you see me? Holding that baby?
Ray: Yeah, you looked like Tyson holding that dove.

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Pam:[/b] And don't go starting rumors about Conway boning your mother.
[Archer throws up]
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Pam:[/b] You get any of that in the trashcan?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] No. I missed on purpose.

[Shorty]

Sterling Archer: No, no, by all means, let me do this Lana. You just sit there like the African Queen.
Lana Kane: The African Queen was the boat.
Sterling Archer: No it wasn't. It was Audrey-
Lana Kane: Katherine.
Sterling Archer: Whichever Hepburn, she was the queen.
Lana Kane: ...of Africa?
Sterling Archer: Yeah.
Lana Kane: The white queen of Africa?
Sterling Archer: Yeah. Back then Hollywood was pretty weird about the whole race thing. Like Amos and Andy were white. A white guy played Charlie Chan.
Lana Kane: Archer-
Sterling Archer: I'm pretty sure Tonto was a Jew.

[The Man]

You haven't seen the last of Conway Stern... Which is not my real name.

[Jowy]

RAMPAAAAAAAAAAAGE!

[The Man]

All I've had today is, like, six gummy bears and some scotch.

[Shorty]

serves you right, smacky brown

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Malory:[/b] But they were blanks! Weren't they?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.

[Jowy]

I do know that a liter of melon balls can't replace a liter of blood because I'm kind of drunk for this!

[The Man]

Oh, I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire.

[Shorty]

Now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks-for-hands!

[Hollycat]

And that's why we can't have nice things.

[The Man]

Okay, we're off to get our scrotums waxed!

[Jowy]

The IRS? Jesus! How many Irish gangs are there?

[The Man]

Cyril, c'mon. Worst case scenario, her cover got blown and Skorpio's raping her senseless before he chops her battered corpse up into fish food.

[Shorty]

Was that so hard, Count Snackula?

[Jowy]

Can you close your eyes? It feels like I’m banging tail-lights on a country road.

[The Man]

That's just great. She gets dinner and Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and no beer and... not laid. How could this get any... [alligator surfaces and growls] LET ME FINISH... worse. You ruined it. You ruined the moment.

[Hollycat]

And?

[The Man]

Screw them! Especially Cheryl; I hope you kidnap the shit out of her.

[The Man]

Bloody Mary, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now in the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.

[Jowy]

never let this die! season four starts next month!

Pam: After this, I am going to go home, watch Hooper and masturbate until my fingers bleed.
Cheryl: Just tape them up!

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] And just who might my dad be?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Malory:[/b] Gene Krupa, no wait... not Krupa... the other one, the one with Teeth......Buddy Rich.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] (shocked) What?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Malory:[/b] I could never say no to a drummer.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] (furious) COULD YOU SAY NO TO ANYONE!!?
(Malory vicously slaps him across face and glares)
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Malory:[/b] (glowering) I said no to plenty.

[Shorty]

Rip: "You just killed like ten pirates."
Archer: "Wow, if the five-year-old me knew that, he’d get a huge boner."

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] [to Pam] I'll throw these doughnuts on the ground so you can pretend they're marbles and you're a hungry hungry... [Pam abruptly shuts the door on Archer] ...hungry hippo.

[Jowy]

Cheryl: Mopeds are fun but you don't want to let your buddies see you riding one.
Pam: I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. I had only had 10 ten beers.
Cheryl: 40s?
Pam: NO.... yes.

[The Man]

Holy shit, our security is atrocious. Seriously, it's really bad. Password. Hmm, password? How about "Guest". No way! It can't be. Jesus Christ, that is just... babytown frolics.

[Jowy]

No, no, it's Woodhouse! He's all tied up somewhere, sc-scared and alone! And possibly dehydrated!

[krissy]

http://i.imgur.com/uZrim.jpg

[The Man]

Malory: But even though Cyril may be clingy...
Lana: Oh, Saran Wrap could take a lesson.

[Jowy]

wondering why cheryl's on an ostrich...?

[Jowy]

“It’s okay. I’m just wait here while you make me a whole new breakfast not covered in garbage.”
“It’s not garbage, sir.”
“Scraps of paper. Yes, which by definition, is garbage.”
“Make nutella waffles.”
“Mmmm.”
“Nutella steak and eggs?”

[The Man]

And I don't want another one of your sullen whores using my medicine cabinet like a Pez dispenser.

[Jowy]

bump

new archer's on tomorrow. don't forget it!

[Shorty]

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[krissy]

http://i.imgur.com/CYBn4.jpg

[Jowy]

wow krissy i can't use a keyboard.

"i'm repping this as hard as i can" was the intended message to be conveyed!

[The Man]

Archer: You just destroyed my innocence!
Mallory: Oh, please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were thirteen.
Archer: Twelve!

[Nicolas]

Oh, yes! I have a plant!

...plant.

Plan.

[The Man]

Ray: To reiterate, I am paralyzed!
Cyril: Well, join a support group.
Malory: For who? Crippled gay hillbilly spies? There's a niche.

[sharkythesharkdogg]

Raptor Archer - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38HDw2pmNKc)

[krissy]

did i ask for your life story?

[The Man]

Malory: Well, you're in charge here. I'm off to get a seaweed wrap.
Ray: I didn't know they made sushi with dried clams.

[The Man]

I WILL NOT LET THIS THRAD DIE.

Sterling: If you don't want to see two robots smashing each other with cop cars and trout as they fight each other through the streets of Manhattan...
Krieger: Stop. My penis can only get so erect.

Also: 'Archer' renewed for season 5 | Inside TV | EW.com (http://insidetv.ew.com/2013/02/27/archer-renewed-for-season-5/)

[McLovin']

Archer: Come get a drink with me!
Pam: I can't I'm-
Archer: No, you can. I'm allowing you.
Pam: Ohhh, thank you.

[Jowy]

it's mostly msg.

THE FLAVOUR ENHANCER!

[krissy]

http://i.imgur.com/yhgLIOW.jpg

bionic legs and you lift with your back

[Cloudane]

"You know, this isn't some guinea pig you're working on here, this is Porthos, my beagle, my pal! And from what you're telling me, the closest thing your people have to pets are furry little things that go well with onions!" --Captain Jonathan Archer

Amidoinitrite?

[krissy]

do you want ants cloudaine?

cause that's how you get ants. :mad2:

[Jowy]

Bilbo: "That's just great. Now I get to deal with this as my hot meatball sub congeals into a big fat disappointing blob of shit!"

[The Man]

Sterling: If you don't want to see two robots smashing each other with cop cars and shit as they fight each other through the streets of Manhattan...
Krieger: Stop. My penis can only get so erect.

[Tigmafuzz]

Malory: The thought of me dead gives you an erection?
Sterling: No, just half of one. The other half would have really missed you.

[The Man]

http://i.imgur.com/gAFOA1b.png

I call him Fister Roboto. He's a fully integrated, multi-fetish, artificial being. And the best part is that he's learning.

[Shorty]

"What are you going to do?"
"Cry 'havoc' and let slip the hogs of war."
"Dogs of war."
"Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!"

I'm re-watching this show in order to finally watch season four.

[The Man]

In preparation for tonight's première I should probably post this:

Archer Season 5 Exclusive "Radical Departure" Reveal to UPROXX (http://www.uproxx.com/tv/2014/01/archer-season-5-matt-thompson-interview/)

Massive spoilers, obviously.

[The Man]

As expected, no one had anything to worry about with the series changes; the new episode was still great. In fact I'd probably rank it above a rather large number of season four episodes. They did what I'm assuming is a preview of the rest of the season at the end of the episode and it looks like it'll continue to be great.

[Tasura]

As expected, no one had anything to worry about with the series changes; the new episode was still great. In fact I'd probably rank it above a rather large number of season four episodes. They did what I'm assuming is a preview of the rest of the season at the end of the episode and it looks like it'll continue to be great.

The montage at the end could be clips from future episodes (which I think would be awesome) or it could just be Archer day dreaming, only the next few episodes will tell.

[The Man]

According to this AV Club interview with Adam Reed (http://www.avclub.com/article/archer-creator-adam-reed-talks-about-blowing-up-hi-200818), the end of the episode is actual footage from the rest of the season. Someone who went to the Archer Live panel in Austin reported that the will become Archer Vice in episode three of the new season.

[Shorty]

Resuming my re-watch to catch up to season five! I never get tired of this show.

[Skyblade]

"Blood and Thunder!"

There are many more archers in that series alone, I have tons of quotes.

Wait a second, wrong forum.

[Shorty]

Russia? Look, no offense, but standing in line for beets and toilet paper isn't my idea of a good time.

[starlet]

Just the tip!

[Shorty]

You're looking for Predator, aren't you?

[The Man]

The point is, we are highly trained covert operatives with an extremely dangerous set of skills. And since the government has unjustly accused us of treason, we are now forced to transfer those skills from espionage to criminal activity. Kinda like the A-Team. But we sell drugs.

[Shorty]

http://img1.etsystatic.com/000/0/6134893/il_fullxfull.330083065.jpg?ref=l2

[The Man]

Oh my god, Lana! Lana, you know what I could totally go for right now?

[The Man]

The fastest rising name for baby boys in 2014 is Archer (http://uproxx.com/webculture/2014/07/the-fastest-rising-name-for-baby-boys-in-2014-archer/).

[Jowy]

I tell my sister she's got "truckasaurus hands" somewhat regularly and she hates me for it.

[Shorty]

Just reading back through this thread gives me fuzzies.

[Araciel]

new season was weak :cry:

[The Man]

No it wasn't. It was better than season four and possibly season one as well.

[The Man]

Krieger: I'm not a serial killer.
Archer: Wait. Why did you emphasise "serial"?