FF5 Revisited!

[Citizen Bleys]

Citizen Bleys Presents

A Bastardly Production

In Association with The Devil's Jockstrap (http://devilsjockstrap.wikidot.com/)

FF5 Revisited!

I'm sure that by now you are all familiar with the concept of a pictorial playthrough, as popularized by Something Awful's "Let's Play" series. This is the same idea, with a twist: I'll be taking you through a modified version of the game, The Devil's Jockstrap's FF5Spoof. Unlike most spoofs, Tzepish's masterpiece is not just FF5 + poop and gay jokes, but an actual re-imagining of the game, with jokes that are funny even if you're not twelve, a coherent storyline, and believable characters.

But wait, you ask, what is to stop me from simply downloading the spoof myself and playing through? Well, sure, you could do that -- and in fact, should, in order to see all of Tzep's material -- but then you'd be denying yourself the pleasure of my sparkling repartee.

Full disclosure: in order to keep this thread going at a steady pace so that people don't get bored and stop reading while I grind, I'm going to be cheating like a freaking maniac. I can play the game for fun on my own time--this runthrough is for the amusement value.

So, in order to remain true to SA's paradigm, we'll start from the beginning, and pause here to allow all of you to choose the name for our hero. If I don't see anything good or popular within 24 hours, I'm just going to pick the name myself. In fact, I do not promise not to just name him something ridiculous like Hitler or Spock in spite of everything you bastards say


<img src="http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/0nameSelect.jpg" width=640 height=480

[Gamblet]

Skank

[Sephex]

Lisaz.

[Del Murder]

Unne.

[Madonna]

CAPTN, CAPT'N, Captain, or however you can fit it in. I will also accept JUDAS.

[Citizen Bleys]

Finally, a good suggestion. Unne it is.

First post isn't going to go as far into the game as I expected, cause I accumulated a *lot* more screenshots than anticipated.

As we begin, something is rotten in the state of Tycoon. Tycoon is known as the Kingdom of Wind in spite of the fact that it is surrounded by mountains and therefore experiences almost no wind whatsoever. Still, the King knows something is up...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/01cold.jpg | http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/02wtf.jpg

Fortunately for the King, there's a new sheriff in town
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/03w00t.jpg
oh crap we're in trouble

And what do heroes do? RESCUE DAMSELS IN DISTRESS, OF COURSE. Not that Lenna was really in any danger, but...was she?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/04justgoblins.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/04yeahbut.jpg

Yet the plot thickens! By the rock there's a strange old man with a wand'ring eye and a withered hand, who has lost his memory. And, apparently, his marbles.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/05outside.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/06what.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/07theworld.jpg

And so, our heroes set off in search of adventure! Well, in search of Galuf's marbles, anyways. But of course, it can't be that easy. They have to encounter pirates.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/08pirate.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/08yep.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/09definitely.jpg
can't fault that reasoning

What is a hero to do when faced with pirates? Why, steal their ship, of course! What could possibly go wrong?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/10busted.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/10honesty.jpg
Right. That.

Mysteriously, though, the following day the pirate captain refrains from having them killed. Fortunately, the captain is stupid. Unfortunately, so are our heroes.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11what.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12hindsight.jpg

The captain's mercy comes at a price, however -- our heroes have to help him loot the wind shrine! A vulnerable target it is, too, populated as it is exclusively by drugged out monks and scholars.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13savetheking.jpg
This guy will definitely make it into the SAS

Well, Captain Faris will be satisfied as long as they still get to steal the Crystal of Wind--it's worth bags of money!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14bugger.jpg
Bugger.

True to standard fictional operating procedure, the crystal then proceeds to zap them with a death ray which instead of killing them, gives them superpowers. Surely they will use these powers for good! Well...sort of good. A little good? Faris's vote is for evil.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15unneisanidiot.jpg

Well, so much for that heist. Our intrepid heroes now travel to Tule village, not for any specific reason, but because it's the only other place in the universe they have access to, and only there can they learn the things they must know to control their newfound powers....such as:

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16reallife.jpg

But surely some wise old sensei will take them under his wing and teach them the ropes, right? Of course!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17richguy.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/18dontcare.jpg
Ah, the instant acceptance and generosity of small communities

Of course, with such a peaceful interlude, one cannot help but fill in some backstory so the player gets to know the characters a little better:
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/19theplotthickens.jpg

Now, just in case the player is too stupid to figure out that they're supposed to go to the only place left in the universe they have access to...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/20toostupid.jpg
Being video game characters, they don't understand the absurdity of these kinds of little monologues
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/21nvm.jpg
nevermind

As veteran FF5 players, I'm sure you are all looking forward to the big reveal when we learn that Faris is a wo...wait, what?
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/22notawoman.jpg

Stay tuned next time, same bat time, same bat channel!

[Del Murder]

This is the best thread.

[Gamblet]

This funny.

[Madonna]

I think these dialogue boxes are being edited.

[Citizen Bleys]

*facepalm*

[Raistlin]

Still not as funny as Frig7.

*flees*

Actually I love the dialogue, and will have to give this version a playthrough of my own at some point. Damn Jews!

[Sephex]

This was awesome. Best playthrough thingamajig on here since FFIV: The Power of Cheese!

Thingamajig is also okay by Firefox standards.

[Goldenboko]

Oh man, reading this reminds me I really, really, really, really need to beat this game, but my DS is loaned out.

[Madonna]

Ohhhhhhh, I get it; the original text was edited out in a ROM and someone made up a whole lot of nonsense, like Beeblebabe's Fake Subs (http://beeblebabe.livejournal.com/338568.html) for Advent Children. Man, those subs were effing amazing.

"There were explosions!"
"I ducked."

[Citizen Bleys]

Chapter Two: The Kingdom of Water

As we left our intrepid band of thieves, they were washed up on a busted up ship. There was a brief encounter where a lamia tried to eat everyone's soul, but it was boring so I'm leaving it out. Short chapter today, I need sleep. Perhaps I'll do some longer ones on the weekend.

Washed up on a far shore, they find themselves nearby a new city. What kind of strange and wonderful people inhabit it, I wonder?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/00ffs.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/00ffs2.jpg
Oh, Jesus Christ!

Fortunately, there were a few people sober enough to be aware of the world around them
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/01north1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/01north2.jpg

Off to the mountain, then, to rescue the dragon! Surely, this will be a simple matter with no risk involved!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/02plantmonster.jpg
...what.

Faris to the rescue! In one tall bound, he leaps the boundless chasm, and...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/03crap.jpg
oops

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/04himtoo.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/04bravesirrobin.jpg

A very easy battle ensues, then...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/05soglad.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/05friendship.jpg

Naturally, the dragon requires rescuing. Good thing Lenna's dumber than a box of hair!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/06poison.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/06gross.jpg

Now nothing stands between our heroes and their destination at Walse!
Naturally, they receive a warm reception:
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/07walse.jpg

And in addition to a warm inn in a place where people speak intelligible english, there's a mysterious monster to be sought out:

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/08wakarimasen.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/08wakarimasen2.jpg
That certainly sounds like something we should investigate immediately. This is a good idea. This is definitely a good idea

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/09ohthat.jpg
Crap.

After recovering from their fatal beating, our heroes seek out the King of the Kingdom of Water, who has some problems of his own:
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/10floods.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/10morefloods.jpg

But before the King can render aid, a meteor falls to the north, near where the Crystal of Water is kept! Of course, the rampaging beast in the tower tears through professional soldiers of Walse, necessitating a rescue effort by...a bunch of vagrants. This makes perfect sense.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/11violence.jpg
Future chairman of PETA

It seems the elephant thing is a little bit more fluent in violence than Mr. Chairman, though, so it falls to Unne and Co. to save the day. But what's this? As the Warrior limps away dying, he calls Galuf by name! Could he know something about the old man's past?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/12name.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/12tag.jpg
Or that.

Another shattered crystal, another batch of mad superpowers. I'm starting to think that our party should just run around breaking the crystals on purpose until they become supreme beings. As long as they don't get themselves caught in one of Walse's many fl...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/13bugger.jpg
Goddammit.

Next update: A Trial By Fire. Keep the comments coming, people, I need the last post to be by someone other than me in order to post the next chapter!

[Madonna]

The flood jokes should not have cracked me up as much as they did. I feel used.

Maybe it is because I have not played V in years, but this game is progressing rather fast. Is it just me?

[Raistlin]

I hope the drunken guy in the tavern is named Cuch. :cuch:


Ohhhhhhh, I get it; the original text was edited out in a ROM and someone made up a whole lot of nonsense, like Beeblebabe's Fake Subs (http://beeblebabe.livejournal.com/338568.html) for Advent Children. Man, those subs were effing amazing.

"There were explosions!"
"I ducked."

That was the best part.

[Citizen Bleys]

The flood jokes should not have cracked me up as much as they did. I feel used.

Maybe it is because I have not played V in years, but this game is progressing rather fast. Is it just me?

It's not just you. The "Save the crystals" arc on Gaia that one would expect from previous experience to be the whole game (or most of it) is really more of a prologue.


I hope the drunken guy in the tavern is named Cuch. :cuch:


Everyone in Carwen was like that.

[Sephex]

lol'd at the "maybe the party should go break crystals on purpose" bit. I remember thinking the same thing back when I first played through FFV.

[Citizen Bleys]

Chapter III: Trial by Fire

We rejoin our heroes washed up on the shore next to a meteor; Before when they investigated it, it was just a rock. Now, it has a door, and inside, they find...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/00vaporized.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/01ohwell.jpg

And thus our story en...what?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/02guessnot.jpg

On the other side of the vaporizer-cum-portal is a town. Sort of. Are these people insane?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/03onfire.jpg
Am I unreasonable for thinking this is weird?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/04somethingodd.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/05yeahthatsit.jpg
Well, that's a relief

It doesn't take long to get arrested. Faris didn't even get a chance to rob anybody! Well, at least we get to meet new people in jail. And cornhole them.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/06gunpowder.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/07gunpowder1.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/08gunpowder2.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/08gunpowder3.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/09gunpowder4.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/10gunpowder5.jpg
That sounds like something dangerous to say in a town populated entirely by pyromaniacal psychopaths...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/11blackcrack.jpg
yep, sure enough

Well, on the upside, telling people that gunpowder is drugs did manage to get us out of jail, and all we have to do is help Dr. Cid. Not really seeing a downside here.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/12nosurprisehere.jpg
Never mind

Now that we have access to the castle, let's meet some Karnakish people who, unaccountably, are not on fire.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/13xbox.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/14awhat.jpg
A what?

Off to the steamship, then!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/15totallynottreason.jpg
This is definitely not treason

In the bowels (ha!) of the steamship, we finally meet the queen, and I can't stop saying smurf. Knew that would happen.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/16braindamage.jpg
Including, but not limited to bleeding, third-degree burns, and irreparable brain damage

Of course there's a boss fight! It's not enough that we're surrounded by psychopaths, everything's on fire, and the Queen is snorting gunpowder. And to top it all off...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/17notgood.jpg
Only in Final Fantasy can there be a massive explosion two meters away and nobody gets burned

It looks like we're actually in time to save the Fire Crystal! Oh well, no more superpowers for us, I guess. But wait...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/18definitelyagoodidea.jpg
That is definitely a good idea

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/19oops.jpg
OK, maybe not

Luckily...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/20w00t.jpg

Let's head back to Karnak and see if people have learned anything from the death of their Queen and destruction of their castle. They should be grateful that we saved them before they all snorted too much gunpowder to recover, right?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/21thewall.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/21getout.jpg
Well, I never!

At least that gives us a direction to move now that we've utterly destroyed yet another country. Off to the Manga Library! Looks innocent enough at first...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/22demons.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/23thanks.jpg
A hero's work is never done

Thus do we delve into the musty depths of the Manga Library...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/3/24nexttime.jpg

Tomorrow: A Hero's Work is Never Done

[Gamblet]

Haha, that was a good post!

[Raistlin]

Damn black crack was just too tempting not to smoke. You could have warned them it would blow up their castle! Unne is a total dick.

[Sephex]

Glad I wasn't the only person who thought it was odd to have random fires laying about.

[Del Murder]

Crack kills.

[Sephex]

kHFnc_eV4Lg

[Jiro]

Black crack is the best fucking name. I'm excited to see more of Unne's journey!

[Citizen Bleys]

Don't be. This one sucks.


Chapter IV: A Hero's Work is Never Done

Imagine our surprise to discover the basement of the library is filled with....books!

Oh, and an ancient fire demon. Perfect place for a fire demon to live, surrounded by highly combustible books.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/00runningout.jpg
Tzep was clearly running out of ideas for dialogue

After gaining control of the fire demon and threatening to burn the library to the ground, the moving bookshelves stopped getting in the way, allowing us to locate Cid's weeaboo grandson. Who, it seems, is a little bit special.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/01mid1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/01mid2.jpg

His friends were relieved to find he hadn't burned to death hanging out with the fire demon

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/02getoutmore.jpg
These guys need to get out more

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/03grandpacid.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/04aboutthat.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/05soyeah.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/06andthat.jpg

Meanwhile, back in Karnak...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/07uhoh.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/08book.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/09weirdfamily.jpg
Jacob is weird

But wait, there's more to the book than just hentai!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/10motor.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/11bypass.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/12why.jpg

Cid and Jacob rush out to the steamship, when Galuf catches a glimpse at his lost memories...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/13what.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/14killedyrfather.jpg
Yeah, sorry about that

It went a bit like this...
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/15monopoly.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/16btw.jpg

In the morning...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/17w00t.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/18w00t2.jpg
The world is ours! Or at least the parts which we are not denied access to for plot reasons

That's helpful...except we have no idea where to go to try to destroy save the Crystal of Earth! We'd better take the steamship and visit Cid and Jacob in the Manga Library to see if they can provide us with any leads.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/19savethem.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/20toobad.jpg
Thanks a lot, guys

There is nothing for it but to sail the seas for American gold! We'll fire no guns, shed no tears~!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/4/21onaboat.jpg
Take a good long look at the mothersmurfing boat

Next Chapter: Bare-It's Privateers!

[Jiro]

Jacob is just clearly trying to fap to all the library books. What a weirdo.

[Vermachtnis]

This is awesome.

[Sephex]

Jacob is just clearly trying to fap to all the library books. What a weirdo.

Wait, so that's considered unusual behavior? Whoops.

[Citizen Bleys]

It is if you're being guarded by a fire demon surrounded entirely by combustibles, perhaps.

[Raistlin]

Hey, he's a fire demon that's surrounded by books that aren't burning, so he must be a pretty damn cautious fire demon. I'd be comfortable around him.

[Madonna]

Otaku: goddamn them all! Well, except their shounen about steamship repair manga.

[Jiro]

I love the monopoly reference as well!

[Citizen Bleys]

Chapter V: Bare-It's Privateers?

Short one inbound; I didn't want to go too far tonight since if I recall correctly, the Earth Crystal is closer than ever.

Now that the WORLD is ours to command, it's time to visit that Jachol place that everyone says is so great.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/00jachol.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/01syringe.jpg
Not a great start...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/02aclue.jpg
Yes! A clue! Now I know where to go!

But before that, I have a hankering to visit Istory and get Ramuh. Istory's a fun town.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/03demon1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/03demon2.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/03demon3.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/03demon4.jpg
Naaaah

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/04oops1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/04oops2.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/04oops3.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/04oops4.jpg
This always happens to me

Well, I guess we'd better follow up on that clue from Jack Hole. Crescent Island looks peaceful and idyllic. Surely a lovely place!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/05thanks.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/06bastard.jpg
It can't be...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/07byebye.jpg
Crap.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/08lives.jpg
Thanks a bunch, you spooge-slurping sphincter cannon

Great. Now I'm stranded on a desert island with a psychopath who causes earthquakes with his freakin' mind, the guy who killed my father, a jew, and...well, Lenna's not so bad. But wait, what's this?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/09familiar.jpg
Doesn't this look familiar? I think I saw these in FFIV

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/10w00t.jpg
w00t!

Now I can cross the seas and sufficiently low-peaked mountains! Take that, Dr. Cid! In fact, I'm going to go back right now and gloat.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/12aboutthat.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/13drat.jpg
That went well.

We can't be exiled! I've got so much to live for! It'll be horrible! It'll be...what's that, Faris?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/14unkillable.jpg

Forgetting something, Faris? Let me remind you:

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/2/09ohthat.jpg
Yeah that's right, bitch. Wakarimasen disagrees.

But still...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/15shards.jpg
We'll always have our superpowers

Well then, no help for it. Off to spend the rest of our lives wandering in the desert all alone.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/16desert.jpg

Tomorrow: Sand In Our Vaginas

[Raistlin]

Istory: just like what those crazy people say who don't pronounce the "h" in "history."

Also what kind of suffering could a toad cause if it could be defeated by flowers?

[Citizen Bleys]

It wasn't.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/5/03demon3.jpg

It was defeated by the old guy's ancestors, who sealed him up beneath a hill which happens, for no reason to do with the demon's defeat, to have flowers on it a few hundred years later.

[Raistlin]

My first thought was that it sounds like he was sealed by the flower bed. Which, oddly enough, still makes more sense than Signs.

[Sephex]

Anything makes more sense than Sings.

Bleys, I am looking forward to the Sand in Our Vaginas chapter.

[Madonna]

If there is a strong enough root system, you probably can keep anything trapped beneath it, like maybe a spirit of unimaginable evil. Of course, the flower bed would probably become sentient and evil in the end, but it sounded a good idea at the time.

[Citizen Bleys]

No comments on "spooge-slurping sphincter cannon?" I am disappoint

Mega-update today. 96 freaking screenshots.


Chapter VI: Sand in our Vaginas
or
For What It's Earth

We rejoin our heroes as they are about to be exiled into the desert where they must surely die

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/00heregoes.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/01horribleexperience.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/02nothingbad.jpg

Five minutes later...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/03thatwaseasy.jpg
Well, that wasn't so bad

What's on the other side of the desert? It was supposed to be boundless. That was distinctly bounded.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/04w00t.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/05city1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/05city2.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/05city3.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/05city4.jpg

But are there really any insane criminals here?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/06insanecriminals.jpg
yep

Can King Tycoon really have survived?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/07alive.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/08dick.jpg
Dick.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/09unkillable.jpg
Wow, I guess we really are unkillable

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/10outofhere.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/11galuf.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/12fhim.jpg

Not really much here...a bunch of strange machines and an exploding teleporter.
Meanwhile, Cid and Jacob investigate our story:

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/13truth.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/14no.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/15mistreated.jpg

Enough about them. I found a lever!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/16lever.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/17haha.jpg
That'll teach them for exiling us to the desert

We keep running into old friends on our journeys:

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/18puzz1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/18puzz2.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/18puzz3.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/18puzz4.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/18puzz5.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/18puzz6.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/18puzz7.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/18puzz8.jpg
The treasure sucked, by the way

Further in...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/19ship.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/20another.jpg
This just keeps getting better

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/21w00tw00t.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/22wemeetagain.jpg
Oh, delicious irony

Wendy, I can fly! Surely there's no reason why I shouldn't!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/23flying.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/24stable.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/25figures.jpg

Well, now that I have an airship, it's time to explore a bit. Let's visit Unne's hometown!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/26lix1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/27lix2.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/28bard.jpg

The Inn is free, so we might as well stay...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/29sulking.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/30stella1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/30stella2.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/31ninja1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/31ninja2.jpg

And of course, who could come home without catching up with old friends?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/32bet1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/32bet2.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/32bet3.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/32bet4.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/32bet5.jpg

Back in our old house, there's a music box....*sigh*...it brings back so many childhood memories

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/33flashback1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/33flashback2.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/33flashback3.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/33flashback4.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/33flashback5.jpg

Well, at least flashbacks are private.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/34bard.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/35song.jpg
Bastard.

Of course, we have to do Lenna the same favour and visit Tycoon...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/36tycoon.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/37welcome.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/38um.jpg

...where Faris has a confession

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/39secret.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/40dolls.jpg

Time for another flashback!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/41littlebetty.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/42no.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/43notinsane.jpg

Tycoon's soldiers are taking a page from the Chancellor's book
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/44loot.jpg

Sightseeing done, Lenna wants to go back to the ruined city to search for her father. Faris wants revenge on him for dropping them into a pit. Hence, we fly up to it, and...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/45ruinedcity.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/46deathwarship.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/47notgood.jpg
Ohhhhhhh crap

I hope Cid and Jacob have some idea of what to do

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/48handbook.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/49coincidence.jpg

Alright, so all we have to do is fly up to it, blow up its WMD's, and force our way in? Easy.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/50agoodidea.jpg
This is definitely a good idea. There is no way this is not a good idea

Inside...
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/51foundyou.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/52monster.jpg

That boss fight is a pain in the ass, by the way.

Onward to the Crystal chamber, where we meet an old friend...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/53remember.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/54yeah.jpg
w00t!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/55toolate.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/56hesback.jpg

Now, for a lengthy infodump:

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/57infodump1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/57infodump2.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/57infodump3.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/57infodump4.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/57infodump5.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/57infodump6.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/57infodump7.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/57infodump8.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/57infodump9.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/57infodump10.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/57infodump11.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/57infodump12.jpg

Galuf and Cara use Cara's meteor to return to Terra to kill Tzepish and end the spoof, leaving our remaining heroes to process all they've learned. Soon...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/58thinking.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/59helping.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/60really.jpg

I didn't take any screenshots during the runs to collect drugs from the 4 meteorites because it wasn't really funny. Once enough drugs were collected, though, it's time...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/61portal.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/62danger.jpg

OFF TO TERRA!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/63terra.jpg

This is exciting. A whole new world to explore!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/6/64gdi.jpg
Goddammit.

Next update: Another World

[Raistlin]

I always did think that airship wasn't particularly stable, especially that little wooden bridge. And Unne's childhood friend is even more of a dick than he is.

[Del Murder]

Great update! Why is Exdeath called Tzepish? I don't get that one.

[Sephex]

Nice, long update. Well done as always!

[Citizen Bleys]

Great update! Why is Exdeath called Tzepish? I don't get that one.

Tzepish is the guy who wrote the spoof. He wrote himself into it.

[Madonna]

A whole new world, right before your eyes. All of the whole new world. Galuf needs help defending his island?

I personally find daggers my go-to weapon when dispatching spouses; Unne's dad learned the hard way poison is the difficult method. Glad he sorted that out though.

[Citizen Bleys]

OK, back to short updates Tuesday-Friday mornings.


Chapter VII: Another World

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/00planet.jpg
Yes, they do think that island is the whole planet

Having failed to find Galuf, our heroes pitch a tent and settle in for the night. Continuing with the previous trend, Faris has a disturbing confession

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/01matches.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/02police.jpg
Good going as usual, Faris

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/03jail.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/04tzep.jpg
Of course Tzepish controls the police

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/05fedex.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/06galuf.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/07thatthing.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/08sky.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/09villain.jpg
what kind of villain indeed

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/10ffs.jpg
Oh, for smurf's sake

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/11pureevil.jpg
Now that is pure evil

Galuf to the rescue!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/12morons.jpg

Well, that was an easy escape.

Better still, we now proceed to the best goddamn music in any FF game, ever

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/13bestmusicever.jpg

...where we meet...wait, what?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/14thatsracist.jpg
That is so racist

Tzepish then sends us flying by setting off an explosion centred around his own castle because that's how villains roll. Being unkillable, we land on a different continent, unscathed, and head off in the only direction that we're able to go, to find...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/15pointless.jpg
Yes. Yes it is.

Well, surely the next shiny thing on the world map will allow us to advance the plot!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/16ownage.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/17badidea.jpg
Or it would if we could get at any of them

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/18natch.jpg
Of course, Tzepish.

No more shiny spots on the map accessible, I guess we'll just wander aimlessly forever. But hey wait, there's an area that you have to cross a specific square to reach. Surely that can't be plot-relevant, right?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/19moogle.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/20holes.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/21goafterhim.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/22okay.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/23delicious.jpg
...

So we drop into a pit in order to chase down and eat a sentient being. Perfectly in character for us!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/24eat.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/25deal.jpg

Well, it worked! He led us straight to...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/26epicmealtime.jpg
An entire village of delicious, delicious moogles. IT'S EPIC MEAL TIME!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/27reason.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/28six.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/29w00t.jpg
w00t!

Of course, it's not like we're going to keep our word and spare them...not when we're this hungry!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/30lineup.jpg

But it seems Galuf's granddaughter has finally found us! A bit too late for the moogles, though.
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/31forest.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/32darklord.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/33what.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/34holocausting.jpg

Would you believe Galuf owns a frikkin' castle?
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/7/35frikkincastle.jpg
A whole frikkin' castle!

Tomorrow: I'll Think Of A Chapter Title Later

[Madonna]

Oh man, I could use a slow-roasted pulled Moogle sandwich...

[Jiro]

Holocausting should be a word.

[Citizen Bleys]

Holocausting should be a word.

Now it is. I'm going to make every attempt to use it in FFXI the next time someone asks me what I'm doing while I'm working on a trial.

[Raistlin]

Having failed to find Galuf, our heroes pitch a tent and settle in for the night.

That's strange. Usually it's finding Galuf that causes me to pitch a tent.

[Citizen Bleys]

I didn't know you were a cub!

[Del Murder]

I look forward to reading this every afternoon.

[Citizen Bleys]

Chapter VIII: I'll Think Of A Chapter Title Later

The quality of inhabitants of Galuf's castle is...unsurprising.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/00grenade.jpg

I guess we'd better see how the Hiryuu is holding up after carrying six people across the length and breadth of the world

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/01hiryuu.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/02coccyx.jpg
Heh. Coccyx.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/03injuries.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/04familiar.jpg
Uh...didn't we already play this story arc at Carwen?

This time there's a twist -- The Hiryuu is only going to live for ten minutes!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/05you.jpg

Between the mountain with the magic plant and Castle Bal, we find a town that we can't go around, run by Ninja Wolf, an old friend of Galuf's. He challenges Unne to a duel, and attacks using one of Dorgann's techniques, which Unne recognizes.

Unne cuts Ninja Wolf in half, and they catch up on old times. Ah, nostalgia. Flashbacks are so gr...wait, what?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/06tenminutes.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/07legs.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/08grow.jpg

Now the people of Ninja Wolf's town come out of hiding. They are...unique.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/09happywolf.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/10satanist.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/11gate.jpg

The mountain climb is boring, so we'll skip to finding the Hiryuu plant.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/12hungry.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/13dont.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/14jfc.jpg
God, our party is dumb

About two minutes later...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/15openup.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/16noway.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/17ohwell.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/18sharks.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/19guards.jpg
Yeah, you should.

Well, we've got like 30 seconds left before the Hiryuu dies, best run on up to -- what's that, Lassie? Cara has cancer?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/20cancer.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/21cure.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/22ultimateevil.jpg

We'll need a hiryuu to get there. OH BUGGER THERE'S LIKE 10 SECONDS LEFT!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/23guy.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/24giantwanger.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/25tail.jpg
Uh...guys? She's dying while you talk about her giant wanger

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/8/26cured.jpg
The plant worked! Hiryuu is cured!

Tomorrow: Chapter IX: A Cure for Cancer

[Quindiana Jones]

Make more, Bleys. Stop working. Stop going outside. Just, please, make more.

[Raistlin]

Her spine is bent, her wings are torn, and she contracted syphilis.

I'm starting to be convinced that you wrote the dialogue, Bleys. :p

[Citizen Bleys]

I would love to take credit for the dialogue, but alas, I'm not that funny.

[Vermachtnis]

That's a tail!? My entire life is built upon a lie.

[Madonna]

Well, at least Krile had not contracted syphilis during the interim. That would have been awkward.

[Jiro]

If only there were a convenient cure to cancer on the island to the northwest of here.

[Citizen Bleys]

Chapter IX: A Cure for Cancer?

It wasn't northwest.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/00northeast.jpg

This seems...too easy.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/01earthquake.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/02getout.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/03bastard.jpg
Dammit.

What to do now? Wise Sensei Ninja Wolf will know what to do!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/0sensei.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/04aproposofnothing.jpg
Apropos of nothing

We'd better check on Cara, just in case.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/05goodenough.jpg
She'll be fine.

Meanwhile, at the fleet:

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/07weeks.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/08mrz.jpg
I should have known with a name like Mr. Z.

We arrive, and introductions are in order.
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/09introductions.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/10arewethebaddies.jpg
Are...are we the baddies?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/11towers.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/12help.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/13brilliant.jpg

Well, Mr. Z isn't going anywhere, time for a nap.
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/14resting.jpg

But at 6 AM sharp:

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/15sixam.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/16wakeywakey.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/17ihatemorningpeople.jpg
I hate morning people

Not even the birds are up, and we have to fight Digger Nick again! Galuf loses his balance, and...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/18saveya.jpg
Mr. Z to the rescue!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/19nvm.jpg
Nevermind

Afterwards...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/20box.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/21sweet.jpg
Sweet! A U-boat!

This is perfect! We can break into the barrier towers from underwater and shut them down!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/22tower.jpg

Sounds simple enough. Until...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/23locked.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/24callzeza.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/25emergency.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/26door.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/27handle.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/28ofcourse.jpg
Of course...

Later...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/29antenna.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/30again.jpg
Oh, not again

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/31offswitch.jpg
Mr. Z must hate us.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/32ominous.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/33itcantbe.jpg
What? It can't be...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/34hfs.jpg
Holy smurfing tit he's real

Ten seconds later...
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/35ultimateevil.jpg

But all is not well at the base of the tower, where Mr. Z is in trouble:

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/36die.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/37boom.jpg
Apparently, Mr. Z, you can.

We escape by Hiryuu, and return to the U-Boat to await Mr. Z's return

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/9/38notcomingout.jpg

Tomorrow: Chapter X: A World Without Mr. Z

[Jiro]

Mr Z was only with us for a short time, but Unne seemed to piss him off just enough to make sure his next life will suck too.

[Gamblet]

WHY? WHY? WHY IS GILGAMESH CALLED DIGGER NICK?

[Jiro]

Clearly he likes to dig holes and his real name is Nick.

[Raistlin]

Mr. Z, you were a brave man. I look forward to your next incarnation as a member of the F-Team.

[Citizen Bleys]

WHY? WHY? WHY IS GILGAMESH CALLED DIGGER NICK?

It's a very racist joke that Tzep should have known better than to include.

Actually, he did know better, and included it anyways.

[Madonna]

No Mr. Z in the world of tomorrow. It will be a sadder world for his loss, but obviously he had to go if Yog-Sothoth had to go. How else are you going to maintain a balance?

Poor Krile, getting the short end of a nicotine quilt.

Since we are talking about it: it is as horrible as the rest of the jokes. As soon as we were told Faris was Jewish, you should have known it was going to be bad.

[Citizen Bleys]

Faris being Jewish isn't out-and-out racist.

That comes later, at Surgate if I recall correctly.

[Sephex]

Finally caught up. Digger Nick had me in stitches. Our Bleys is an awesome Bleys.

[Citizen Bleys]

Lots of screenshots today, but all in all a short update. Tomorrow's update should bring us to the end of this story arc, though.


Chapter X: A World Without Mr. Z

Tzepish's castle is open to us, but it's not time to go there yet. Galuf is pretty torn up about Mr. Z's death, so we'll go to his hometown and pay our last respects

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/00surgate.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/01who.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/02warrants.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/03oh.jpg
Pretty blasé about that

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/04mrz.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/05king.jpg

Somehow I lost the screenshot where Unne tells the Chancellor that Mr. Z was killed in the barrier tower explosion, and I'm not starting a new game just to recover it.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/07you.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/08executed.jpg
But he's too lazy to execute us yet, so he just asks us to hang around until he gets around to it. We don't.

There's not really anything else of interest in Surgate, so I guess we should probably try to save Cara. Now that we have a submarine, we can access the island the cure for cancer was on!

We delve deep into the cave and find...nothing but a freaking turtle. Unne immediately starts beating the crap out of it.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/09whatshedonibbleyourbum.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/10heroinahalfshell.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/11doctor.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/12dontstudywhores.jpg
Protip: Don't study whores

It's Dr. Archie Carr, Terra's foremost expert on everything. Especially turtles.

Back to business...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/13cancer.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/14here.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/15look.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/16nope.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/17nothere.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/18trust.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/19sorry.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/20survive.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/21guaranteed.jpg

Archie advises us to take a moment and carefully ponder whether or not we should go through with it. We take this seriously as it deserves.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/22invincible.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/23yeah.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/24ok.jpg
There. Thought it over.

Since we're sure, Archie gives us the key we'll need to enter the Great Forest of BFE (Butt-F*** Egypt, well beyond the pyramids. No, I don't get it either).

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/25stick.jpg
w00t?

But before we go...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/26shell.jpg

There are two more dots on our underwater map. One leads us to a cave that goes absolutely nowhere except for a forest with a chocobo that we have to leave alone, and the other leads to BFE, where everyone seems to be obsessed with fire. Terra's version of Karnak, I guess. I hope it's not prophetic.

BFE is a fun place.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/27ultimate.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/28smokey.jpg
After Yog-Sothoth, I hope we don't have to fight Smokey

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/29thiswaseitheranaccidentalfire.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/30oronedoneonpurpose.jpg
This was either an accidental fire, or one done on purpose

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/X/31notsobad.jpg
And we're going into that

Tomorrow: It's The End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

[Gamblet]

Ha! Amusing episode.

[Raistlin]

Smokey the Bear is Satan????

I am not going to deign that fire comment with a response.

[Citizen Bleys]

I am not going to deign that fire comment with a response.

You just did.

[Sephex]

BLAZE UR TEH FUNNIAST MANG ALOVE

[Psychotic]

Just read the entire thread. Mother of God. This is an incredible ride.

Also that fire line was too perfect.

[Citizen Bleys]

I asked Sephex to bump this thread so I wouldn't have to double-post. That's why he just acted like he's been into the Black Crack. Wasn't expecting Psy.


Chapter XI: It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Well, the forest won't let us in, might as well try the stick

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/00stick.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/01oldstick.jpg
The hell? It worked?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/02smoke.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/03cool.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/04foreshadowing.jpg
Do I sense foreshadowing here?

The forest is pretty annoying; we can only see a little bit of room around us, and we have to poke squirrel-holes in order to open tunnels to keep going. The random encounter rate is also ludicrously high. There's lots of treasure, but I don't know what else we're going to fi--

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/05crap
Yep, that was definitely foreshadowing

That fire got big fast.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/06fire.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/07cigar.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/08ohwell.jpg

Looks like we're thoroughly fu...huh?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/09what.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/10kupokupo.jpg
Maybe moogles are good for something besides eating. We'll just hang out here until the fire burns out

Once the flames subside, we head back outside.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/11holycrap.jpg
Holy crap.

There's still treasure to be had

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/12no.jpg
No. I don't.

It's about what you'd expect

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/13soot.jpg

Surely there's a point to coming all the way out here and burning down this forest, though, right?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/14whatsthat.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/15mustbeaking.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/16manatree.jpg

Inside...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/17cure.jpg

Routine boss battle ensues.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/18secondbest.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/19another.jpg
Bet you can guess who that is

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/20sawthatcoming.jpg
Yep.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/21tallglass.jpg

Tzep zaps us with some freaky lighting stuff that shoots out of the crystals. I still do not understand this.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/22sayingthatmakesithappen.jpg
Saying that makes it happen

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/23bang.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/24stopsayingthat.jpg
Called it!

It's Cara! She seems better!
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/25cured.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/26how.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/27brilliantplan.jpg

Tzep can't stand this.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/28ignoring.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/29futile.jpg

Seeing his daughter about to get sent to Hell galvanizes Galuf.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/30stupidity.jpg

Galuf challenges Tzepish alone, and predictably, within a few rounds his HP is 0, and it's game ov...what?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/31zerohp.jpg

The battle is not without cost, however.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/32ohnoes.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/33meteors.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/34genkaida.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/35forrealsies.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/36dyingwords.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/37cheatingdeath.jpg

A titan has fallen...We give Cara some time to come to grips with ther loss, when..

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/38what.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/39wishful.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/40nope.jpg
Nope. He's dead.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/41bringhimback.jpg
Didn't you just say that?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/42huh.jpg
WHAT.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/43withyoualways.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/44thing.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/45where.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/45putiton.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/46imean.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/47literally.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/48backinaction.jpg
Worst grandfather, or worst grandfather ever?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/49oddly.jpg
Funny how that works out

We've given her enough time. Let's go outside and see Cara.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/50sorry.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/51roffle.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/52itsme.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/53cara.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/54nowhere.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/55return.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/56should.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/57before.jpg

In summary: Galuf is a dick.

We head back to BFE to see how people have reacted to us burning their forest to the ground. Surprisingly well.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/58burned.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/59thanks.jpg

That about wraps up all of the loose ends. Time to take on Tzepish in his lair. The barrier tower has been down for a long time now.

Turns out we don't have to destroy the other four.

Inside Tzepish's Castle, we hit a dead end.


http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/60ninjawolf.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/61inspirit.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/62pupils1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/62pupils2.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/62pupils3.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/62pupils4.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/63anarchy.jpg

Good to catch up on old times. You will be missed, Ninja Wolf.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/64crap.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/65planb.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/66heytzep.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/67intruders.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/68horrible.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/69tada.jpg

Nothing else of interest happens until we reach Tzepish at the end, where he predictably barfs out another one of his long diatribes.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/70foundyou.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/71hannibalspeech1.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/71hannibalspeech2.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/71hannibalspeech3.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/71hannibalspeech4.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/71hannibalspeech5.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/71hannibalspeech6.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/71hannibalspeech7.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/71hannibalspeech8.jpg

BOSS FIGHT!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/72bossfight.jpg

He's....he's finally dead?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/73typical.jpg
Oh, crap. I mean, it is predictable, but it still sucks. Good thing we're invincible. Except Galuf, obviously, but even he got a new body by stealing his 12-year-old granddaughter's

Later...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/74howdwegethere.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/75where.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/76tycoon.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/77hell.jpg
Can it really be?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/11/78homesweethome.jpg

Tuesday Morning, Chapter 12: My Home Sweet Home?

[Psychotic]

First cancer, now this. It's just not Cara's day.

[Jiro]

First of all, the fire line. Yes. Yes.

Secondly, fucking Galuf what a badass. Battles on with 0HP, gets murdered anyway, nicks a new body. I like his style.

Also Ninja Wolf's dying words were kind of cool. Well, the nicknames of the other warriors really.

this is so enjoyable

[Raistlin]

Dorgann "Sex Organ" Klauser is a great name.

Also, yes, Galuf is an even bigger dick than Unne.

[Gamblet]

Nice Game Genie, Bleys!

[Madonna]

Why are we not fighting Galuf instead of Tzepish? Clearly an immortal guy who if killed by a plot line, can simply come back, then maybe that is the guy I would be looking at askance.

Did you grind your characters' levels to max out their HP and now just Attack your way through every battle?

[Citizen Bleys]

As per my first post, I'm cheating like a mofo so you folks don't have to wait for me to grind. I started playing normal FFV about 3 weeks before I started this and haven't got to Terra yet.

[Vermachtnis]

Galuf! Galuf! Galuf is on fire!

[Jiro]

Battles are unimportant when you have dialogue this great.

[Citizen Bleys]

Short holiday shift at work == longer update.


Chapter XII: My Home Sweet Home?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/00warmreception.jpg
A warm reception...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/01sarisa.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/02wrong.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/03queen.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/05cantproveit.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/06waitwhat.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/07illogical.jpg
And the spoof is supposed to be over?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/08getlost.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/09okfine.jpg

The Chancellor hustles Faris up to dress him up like a woman.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/10convincingwoman.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/11worst.jpg

It is quickly apparent that the game does not want to let us talk to Faris or Lenna, since the dancers step on us every time we approach.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/12lax.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/13destruction.jpg
Could this be foreshadowing?

A book in the King's room triggers a flashback...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/14pink.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/15thedevil.jpg

Jenica is insane...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/16jenica.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/17what.jpg

And outside, more foreshadowing.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/18impendingdoom.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/19foreshadowing.jpg
Yep. Everything's definitely going to be just fine

It sure doesn't seem like the Spoof has ended...Better ask Galuf.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/20somethingwrong.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/21myworld.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/22how.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/23spoof.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/24why.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/25dress.jpg

We have to do something about this! We should leave at once!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/26members.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/27barricade.jpg

Outside, we run into an old friend

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/28boco.jpg
Holy crap!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/29age.jpg
Yeah, smurf you too, Boco.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/30loco.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/31gothere.jpg
The plot thickens!

Boco offers us a lift so that we can cross a river north of Tycoon that wasn't there before. Let's head to Tule and see how the people there are holding up.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/32torched.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/33zok.jpg
On second thought, let's not go to Tule. It is a silly place

Further on, Boco intentionally drops us into a hole where we have to fight an antlion with only 2 party members. Fortunately it's a pushover. Time passes, and a rope appears. Whenever we try to grab it, it jerks out of reach. Who the hell would do that to us?

Oh wait, I know.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/34faris.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/35idiots.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/36escape.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/37distracted.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/38traps.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/39lenna.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/40stay.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/41traps.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/42crap.jpg
He hasn't changed a bit.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/42spoofended.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/43dogfeces.jpg
Galuf is the only one who didn't realize right away

Further on, we find another old friend in a cave

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/44drcarr.jpg
!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/45mustresist.jpg
Must...resist...perverted...comment...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/46dudeyoutotallydied.jpg
Dude, you totally died! There were explosions!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/47planet.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/48combined.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/49why.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/50genocide.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/51demonstrate.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/52blackhole.jpg
Tzep, you're a dick.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/53lenna.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/54firefire.jpg
She'll be fine

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/55buthowdidweseethat.jpg
I have a question: How the hell did we see all of that?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/56heneverlearns.jpg
Some people never learn

I tried to get screenshots of Dr. Carr flipping out & knocking Tzepish flat on his arse, but I couldn't get the timing right.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/57ninjaturtle.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/58weakpoint.jpg

Having barely survived our encounter with a new, turbocharged Tzepish, we retire to the manga library to plan our strategy.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/59turtle.jpg
They accept him pretty quick, though

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/60plan.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/61power.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/62weapons.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/63wikipedia.jpg
Sounds good. When the hell do we get Lenna back?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/12/64important.jpg
That's dedication

Tomorrow: I Have No Idea What The Hell To Title This Chapter

[Jiro]

I'm glad that Archie is going to repeat the information for the rest of his mouth, it would be a shame to forget it!

[Raistlin]

"Dude, you totally died! There were explosions!"
"I ducked."
"That's retarded."

[Roogle]

I would love to take credit for the dialogue, but alas, I'm not that funny.

I think you could do it. It might be a little bit more highbrow at some points, but I think you could do it!

I wasn't sure what to expect when I saw the screenshots. I think it's funny enough to warrant its existence, but I usually don't like humorous hacks like that as they usually feel out of place if you've played the original. Final Fantasy V is such a lighthearted adventure at times that it manages to flow very well.

[Madonna]

Well played, Strife.

[Citizen Bleys]

Chapter XIII: Getting Our Stuff Back

Let's explore the new Manga library now that it's overrun by the Surgate crowd.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/00year.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/01year2.jpg
On second thought, let's not.

Dr. Carr directs us to the pyramid located in the middle of the desert that Cid and Jacob exiled to us earlier, but on the way, we walk past 4 trees and run into...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/02awkward.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/03feelbad.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/04realistic.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/05regrow.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/06survive.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/07delight.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/08mind.jpg

Well, the desert isn't moving anymore, so that's good. On the way into the temple, we're attacked by gargoyles who have to be killed at the same time or they regenerate. This is annoying, but it is not funny, so no screenshots were taken. In fact, the whole pyramid is pretty eventless, until...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/09thatwaseasy.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/10crap.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/11trap.jpg
Make one Admiral Akbar comment and I'll stop updating.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/12peninsula.jpg
Goddammit, our airship was on that peninsula!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/13notgood.jpg
Ohhhhhh crap.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/14godofdragonkind.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/15inforit.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/16incorrect.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/17challenge.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/18w00t.jpg
w00t!

Well, things couldn't be going better! We head past the Mana Tree again on the way back, and...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/19hiryuu.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/20lenna.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/21deadbody.jpg
Yeah, what a jerk

We were just getting ready to bury Lenna when...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/22tzepish.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/23possessed.jpg
There are FOUR esses in possessed; one for each Satan inhabiting the word

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/24hilarious.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/25neverlearns.jpg
He just never learns, does he?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/26toldya.jpg
Told ya.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/27who.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/28sssibilants.jpg
And then ssstop hisssssing your sssibilants

Another boss fight down (with no black mages or anyone with black magic!) when we have a moment of silence for the passing of our dear comrade Lenna. And then a not-so-silent moment.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/29poke.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/30raise.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/31goodidea.jpg

So with Lenna back in our party, we go to reclaim our airship, which can now land in the water and act like a normal ship in case we want to...uh...be on a boat? There's really no reason to do this ever.

Meanwhile, in the Mugenjou....

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/32nuke.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/33gotthatwrong.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/34hatewhenthathappens.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/35lix.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/36unne.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/37destroyed.jpg
Unne won't miss them.

Program control finally returns to the player, and now we can chart our own course again, so it's off to the Sealed Castle to use the tablet we got to unseal 3 of the Elite Weapons of de Ownage. Which 3 should I take? Your choices are:

OMGSCALIBUR
The Liberty Bell
PTN's Harp
Lord Bildo's Iron Dildo
The Staff of BFE
Whip of the Dominatrix
Cupid's Bow
Chrono's Katana
Skemp's Axe For You
Tonepoke's Pokemon Poker
Scho-Ju Wajasaki's Wakizashi
Dirk Diggler

Choose well, or I will melt your Nazi face off.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/13/38airship.jpg
w00000000t!

[Gamblet]

Lord Bildo's Iron Dildo
The Staff of BFE
Chrono's Katana

[Jiro]

Whip of the Dominatrix
Lord Bildo's Iron Dildo
Dirk Diggler

I don't know what classes you're using but these three should give you some diversity!

[Raistlin]

You have to get Dirk Diggler.


Well played, Strife.

I looked for the .gif that Doomy once posted of that scene, but I can't find it. :(

[Madonna]

The Liberty Bell
PTN's Harp
Cupid's Bow

These sound useless; use these. Also: sidequests. There are sidequests, right?


I looked for the .gif that Doomy once posted of that scene, but I can't find it. :(It was an icon. He got rid of it.

I hope Tzepish does not destroy Tule. That town is rad. Lix can go fall into the Void for all I care.

[Citizen Bleys]

2 votes for the iron dildo, 2 for the diggler, and for the third I'll go with Gamblet's first selection since he posted first


Chapter XIV: Island Shrine

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/00chancellor.jpg

Off to get the weapons!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/01a.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/01b.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/01c.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/01d.jpg
I think I'll give this one to the twelve-year-old girl

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/01e.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/01f.jpg

Meanwhile...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/02goonsquad.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/03alreadyhere.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/04motley.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/05ownage.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/06both.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/07overtime.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/08orange.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/09intercept.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/10volunteers.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/11ohwell.jpg

Better find out where we need to go next

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/12cantread.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/13shrine.jpg
Yeah, thanks for that. Asshole.

But first...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/14forest.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/15mysidia.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/16history.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/17drinkingage.jpg
Let me guess: To keep the booze out of high school?

Not much else here except we get the Black Chocobo back. That will come in handy later.

On to the Island Shrine, situated in the middle of the Big Bridge

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/18temple.jpg
Crap. More gargoyles

Deep inside...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/19easy.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/20ok.jpg
It was pretty easy. I did this fight twice because I forgot to take screenshots

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/21second.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/22tower.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/23barrier.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/24unne.jpg
I wonder why that happened?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/25note.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/26donotremove.jpg
Oh.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/27tablets.jpg

But first...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/14/28sealedroom.jpg

So, a reminder, your choices are:

OMGSCALIBUR
The Liberty Bell
PTN's Harp
Whip of the Dominatrix
Cupid's Bow
Chrono's Katana
Skemp's Axe For You
Tonepoke's Pokemon Poker
Scho-Ju Wajasaki's Wakizashi

Sidenote: I may forego the long Saturday morning update since that will bring us to the fourth tablet; with side quests, I should be able to extend this project another week. We're still having fun, right?

[Jiro]

I assume we only pick one weapon this time. I still think the Whip of the Dominatrix should be taken and given to Galuf. He seems like the kind of guy that would get off with having a whip while inside his granddaughter's supple young body.

Can't believe I just fucking said that.

[Gamblet]

Chrono's Katana

[Citizen Bleys]

it's 3 weapons for each tablet.

[Madonna]

Have you people never played V? Why are you commenting here instead of playing your own game?

PTN's Harp
Whip of the Dominatrix
Chrono's Katana

I am okay with whips. The Katana because I can afford to humor others.

Tzepish's speech sounded exactly like every meeting I have ever been to, down to the comments about the volunteers. Good to know even monsters have to put up with synergy, huh?

[Jiro]

Have you people never played V? Why are you commenting here instead of playing your own game?


I did not get this far on the Playstation version before my memory card was tampered with! I am going to endeavour to finish it one way or another though, thanks to the enjoyment gained from this experience!

[Raistlin]

Whip of the Dominatrix
Skemp's Axe For You
Tonepoke's Pokemon Poker

[Citizen Bleys]

A lot of screenshots, not a lot of funny.


Chapter XV: Cid and Jacob are Assholes

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/00harp.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/01whip.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/02katana.jpg

Off to Cid and Jacob's Diabolical Lair, where a lot of unfunny dialogue ensues:

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/04cid.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/05switches.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/06trials.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/07intellect.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/08omniscient.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/09jacob.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/10minotauros.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/11game.jpg

So we split up...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/12last.jpg
Uh...because you're creepy as hell?

snip the tower climb with no dialogue whatsoever, and the first fight with no worthwhile dialogue.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/13flare.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/14collapsing.jpg

Now we can access the Catapult, where Cid is a victim of his own idiocy

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/15belt.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/16ok.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/17injured.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/18gears.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/19cidisadick.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/20sinceyouaskednicely.jpg
Well, since you asked nicely...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/21hatethat.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/22money.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/23underwater.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/24getout.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/25hole.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/26rulers.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/27conflict.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/28threatening.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/29onebillion.jpg
Nice try.

Later, while Cid is at work...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/30movies.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/31ohgod.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/32galuf.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/33what.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/34thegaluf.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/35underwater.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/36controls.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/37camera.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/38scariest.jpg

Apparently, I'm supposed to do the underwater shrine first, but I didn't want to listen to the whole spiel over again so I just picked one randomly. Of course, I picked wrong, as I discovered when...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/39fourth.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/40fight.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/41goon.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/41goon2.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/42dammit.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/43hungry.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/44leviathan.jpg

Awfully nice of Leviathan to kill and eat Tzepish's goon for us, but not so nice of him to attack when I tried to thank him.

Anyways...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/15/45sealed.jpg

As a reminder, here are your choices. Pick THREE. I'm looking at you here, Jiro.

OMGSCALIBUR
The Liberty Bell
Cupid's Bow
Skemp's Axe For You
Tonepoke's Pokemon Poker
Scho-Ju Wajasaki's Wakizashi

[Gamblet]

Skemp's Axe For You
Tonepoke's Pokemon Poker
Scho-Ju Wajasaki's Wakizashi

[Madonna]

Oh man, I forgot how beautiful that Leviathan art is. Squaresoft, how I miss you.

Skemp's Axe For You just sounds like something that should be kept until the end. Some of these names come from posters/people from the Devil's Jockstrap, maybe? Old Man Bleys, give us a history lesson.

The Liberty Bell
Cupid's Bow
Scho-Ju Wajasaki's Wakizashi

[Raistlin]

Skemp's Axe For You
Tonepoke's Pokemon Poker
Scho-Ju Wajasaki's Wakizashi

[Hollycat]

Aren't you forgetting the secret weapon in the secret room that doesn't exist that I just made up?

[Citizen Bleys]

I...actually don't know any tDJ members except Satsu.

Time is kind of kicking my ass today; played twice as long as usual and still don't have enough usable screenshots for a proper update, so here's what I have; next update will have to be the last--I checked guides and there's not enough content left in the game for another week's worth of chapters


Chatper XVI: This Chapter Sucks And Is Short

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/00skemp.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/01tonepoke.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/02scho.jpg

Off to the get the final tablet, which, as promised, is in an underwater cave.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/03undersea.jpg
GDI, more gargoyles; but with 9 of the Elite Weapons of de Ownage, it's easy to knock them out in the same round

Inside we find some dwarves who provide us with much-needed screenshots

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/04spider.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/05magma.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/06tradition.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/07town.jpg

Naturally, there's a fight at the tablet..

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/08goon.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/09we.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/10thongs.jpg
eww.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/11third.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/12meteo.jpg

There's only 3 Elite Weapons left, so no sense screenshotting their aquisition.

There was no dialogue whatsoever in the Walz Tower.

Next, it's off to the Jachol Cave to get into a secret entrance to Bal Castle...time to get that treasure that wasn't attainable before the worlds merged!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/13pokeball.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/14trap.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/15odin.jpg
Saw that coming

Bal Castle is pretty much the same as we left it, except without Galuf and Cara.

Oh, and one other minor difference

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/16/16newking.jpg

[Jiro]

King Lunch they call him. The most delicious king ever!

[Madonna]

That guard is as bad as Galuf; he seems to be a big influence in the gourmand world.

Citizen Bleys, you only have one course left to you: provide witty commentary and fluff out the story, because we have to get to the end. This is a train, and people do not get off trains. Well, unless they crash and die.

[Raistlin]

I'm not sure I want to know what the thongs of chaos do.

It is a sad day when the end is near, but this has lasted several weeks now. Now you need to find amusing translations for other games!

[Citizen Bleys]

ReloadPsi is already doing one for FFVI, so I think I'll leave this paradigm alone for a bit.

[Gamblet]

It obviously was not a trap.

[Citizen Bleys]

Thanks for being patient with me when I ran out of time. So, as a special reward, I wanted to do something nice for you. Instead of waiting for the next time I had set aside to do an update, I made some time for a super duper ultra fun MEGAUPDATE two days early! More than twice as many screenshots as any other update before!


Chapter XVII: Denouément

When we left our heroes, they were about to board a black chocobo and head to the only part of the world where the airship can't land. There, we find a mysterious tower with 29 freaking floors.

At the top, we meet an old friend.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/00killed.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/01tycoon.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/02similar.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/03where.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/04explosives.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/05fire.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/06wow.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/07threeyears.jpg

FLASHBACK TIME!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/08sixteenth.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/09imeant.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/10butdaddy.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/11escape.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/12stopme.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/13tower.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/14murderous.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/15knifed.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/16rig.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/17horrible.jpg

*weepy-eyed*

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/18what.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/19pokeball.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/20phoenix.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/21bluff.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/22mystery.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/23immolated.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/24fire.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/25male.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/26killedthemboth.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/27walkdown.jpg

North of there is a mountain. Oh, it's the same damn mountain we walked through the first time we needed to get weed for a hiryuu.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/28challenge.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/29nicetry.jpg

And then...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/30therewasnofight.jpg
That's right, there was no fight. He just said okay!

With that done, it is time for the final showdown with Tzepish. If we can get to him. There's only an entire fortress filled with elite goons to fight.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/31herewecome.jpg

Inside...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/32earthquake.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/33wrongagain.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/34ourdomain.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/35his.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/36tired.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/37paidvacation.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/38prettygood.jpg
Galuf's got a point. That is a really good deal. What is Mugenjou, France or something? Wait a minute, never mind, they haven't surrendered even once

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/39nowhere.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/40goodthing.jpg

It doesn't take us long to find a goon squad member.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/41we.jpg
We? I only see one of you.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/42lookslikeagoldenshinywireofhopetome.jpg
If you haven't been paying attention to the filenames of these screenshots, this would be a good one to check

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/43truenature.jpg

He (she?) was a pushover, by the way.

Further in...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/44path.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/45where.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/46standing.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/47dontsee.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/48invisible.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/49deal.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/50stairway.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/51lose.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/52juices.jpg
Good deal.

Inside Mugenjou proper, we meet an old friend.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/53diggernick.jpg
And kill him.

Finally! The final battle! Which is actually kind of ironic since we're only about a quarter of the way through this update!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/54tzepish.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/55yep.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/56crap.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/57trouble.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/58truepower.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/59goahead.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/60thosearewordsnotpower.jpg
Your true power sucks, Tzepish. It sounds like another one of your famous long-winded speeches is about to start. That's not true power, it's just a lot of words

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/61disappear.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/62truth.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/63howtouching.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/64consumed.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/65research.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/66fade.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/67homework.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/68dorks.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/69school.jpg
Hey wait a minute, I was just like those dorks!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/70transform.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/71tree.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/72what.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/73firstthing.jpg
Am I the only one that thinks this is a better explanation than the one that was actually in the original game?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/74destroyed.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/75stalin.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/76suckthis.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/77bal.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/78pirates.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/79whocares.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/80awesome.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/81regret.jpg

Finally, Tzepish shows us his true power and sucks us into a vortex with a quick spell that I missed my chance to screenshot after I hadn't saved a state since the start of his long-winded speech.

Meanwhile, in the vortex:

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/82dorgann.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/83hello.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/84hell.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/85welcome.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/86promise.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/87awkward.jpg
Awkward.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/88nowarning.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/89sorry.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/90goodcause.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/91hereweare.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/92escape.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/93rift.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/94belongshere.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/95righthere.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/96dontbelonghere.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/97murdered.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/98eachother.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/99beforeourtime.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/100pact.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/101opportunity.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/102eight.jpg
You know, this might just have been worth the trip to Hell. It'll be much easier to cut down Tzepish with 8 people.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/103screwed.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/104nine.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/105escape.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/106father.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/107fight.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/108test.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/109enemy.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/110amends.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/111responsible.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/112entirelytrue.jpg
Dorgann is off the hook!

I have now exceeded the maximum number of images that the board will allow in one post. We are a little over half way through what I have, so I guess I will have to double-post the rest. I bet that makes WesLY happy. Does that make you happy, WesLY? Screw you.

[Citizen Bleys]

Speaking of off the hook, time for a Galuf love-fest for no reason.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/113offthehook.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/114twice.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/115confession.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/116andhedknow.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/117xenosaga.jpg
Tzepish has got no business complaining about a scene dragging on after his many, many hannibal speeches

Anyways, FIGHT TIME!

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/118dammit.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/119levelled.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/120notfair.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/121time.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/122ownage.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/123ISPEAKALLCAPS.jpg
AND I SPEAK ALL CAPS

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/124perversion.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/125roflability.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/126sickandwrong.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/127lookatme.jpg

OK, let's have a look.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/128lastform.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/129consumeyouall.jpg
Impressive! No, not really. Four seconds later, Tzepish is dead

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/130wronglegend.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/131anotherworld.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/132heal.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/134escape.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/135cara.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/136numbnuts.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/137again.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/138reward.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/139crystal.jpg
No, our reward is to have our superpowers sucked out to reconstruct the fricking crystals.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/140restored.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/141how.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/142rift.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/143dumbass.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/144granddaughter.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/145eternity.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/146propose.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/147again.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/148hiryuu.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/149moreawesome.jpg
Why do I get the feeling that "more awesome" has nothing to do with why Galuf wants to wait?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/150diabolical.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/151exist.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/152savingtheworld.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/153ourworld.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/154right.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/155cara.jpg

The letter reads...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/156megahiryuu.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/157unable.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/158moogles.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/159woman.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/160phase.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/161cult.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/162unspeakableevil.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/163ruler.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/164poisoning.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/165outofcharacter.jpg
So much for Unne being immune to Spoof

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/166babies.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/167mountain.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/168lair.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/169robot.jpg

Later...

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/170grave.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/171revivals.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/172moocher.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/173theoneiwantback.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/174noway.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/175flowers.jpg

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/176wait.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/177here.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/178irrelevant.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/179crapped.jpg
How, uh, sweet?

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/180question.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/181areyougaluf.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/182yougotme.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/183gdi.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/184spoof.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/185cameback.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/186fouryears.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/187inconsiderate.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/188grown.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/189weeks.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/190won.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/191oneperson.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/192player.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/193lame.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/194getout.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/195atrocity.jpg

Well, that's all from me, but Tzepish would like to say a few words in parting.

http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/196author.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/197debacle.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/198punk.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/199designer.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/200regrets.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/201excuses.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/202burnout.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/203support.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/204long.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/205fish.jpg

Well, it's been a wild ride. I hope you've had as much fun following this as I have playing through it for you. Just imagine, this whole shebang never would have happened if I hadn't joined the CK competition on a whim and been forced do to actual work in order to stay into it.

If you've enjoyed this abomination of a thread, remember to set your posts-per-page setting to maximum so you can come back and File->Save as (Web Page, Complete) lest this thread go the way of this one (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-archive/52054-final-fantasy-iv-ah-power-cheese.html) and this one (http://home.eyesonff.com/general-archive/76549-tell-me-how-play.html).

Citizen Bleys Maynard, signing off.


http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/206end.jpg

[Psychotic]

http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e373/photobucketamazingness/emot-golfclap.gif

[Jiro]

Jolly good show, Bleys. :hattip:

[Madonna]

Thanks for being patient with me when I ran out of time. So, as a special reward, I wanted to do something nice for you. Instead of waiting for the next time I had set aside to do an update, I made some time for a super duper ultra fun MEGAUPDATE two days early! More than twice as many screenshots as any other update before!You are bubbling with enthusiasm, huh? Good getting this far already; it takes a lot of prt scr taps to make this many screenshots.


http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/13tower.jpgOh you.


http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/40goodthing.jpgThat would have been pretty epic, to have one long contiguous battle with the goon squad. It would have turned into a mini-Tower of Kefka, the tower being composed of corpses of previous goons.


http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/70transform.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/71tree.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/72what.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/73firstthing.jpg
Am I the only one that thinks this is a better explanation than the one that was actually in the original game?Bloody brilliant explanation, really. The only time I feared a gigantic tree previous to this was when I encountered one in Dark Souls and he decided to knock the floor from under me.


http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/109enemy.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/110amends.jpg
http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/111responsible.jpghttp://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/17/112entirelytrue.jpg
Dorgann is off the hook!Kalilung stared at me in disgust as I completely lost composure over this. Really, blaming everything on a tree, Dorgann? At least blame the coke and hookers.


I have now exceeded the maximum number of images that the board will allow in one post. We are a little over half way through what I have, so I guess I will have to double-post the rest. I bet that makes WesLY happy. Does that make you happy, WesLY? Screw you.New Luv Luv couple, huh.

[The Man]

So this was pretty great.

[Citizen Bleys]

New Luv Luv couple, huh.

Hasn't this already been done?

[Madonna]

If it has, I feel left out on the horror. We can improve this.

[Gamblet]

Pretty good.

By the way, what does the Mexican ability do?

[Citizen Bleys]

Black magic. One of the many jokes that got cut from this playthrough because they weren't funny enough. Or in that case, at all.

[Raistlin]

Which game had the lamer tree: FFV or Suikoden IV?

I also like how the way to escape from the awesome spell which sent them to Hell was to basically... walk out.

Great job, Bleys! This was highly entertaining. I look forward to your planned FFXI work.

[Citizen Bleys]

In case anybody missed it, there's a link in the first post to The Devil's Jockstrap homepage where you can get the IPS patch to play this spoof yourself; you'll need a working ROM with RPGe's translation of FFV

My goal in this thread was to create a playthrough that you could follow along with and understand and laugh whether or not you've ever played FF5 or FF5Spoof; I've screencapped most of the funny parts, but there was a lot left out; I budgeted 1 hour of gametime per night during the work week, so a lot had to get cut. Some was cut because I didn't think it was funny enough, but there was quite a bit of good stuff that either wasn't right for this format (menu items, spell replacements, item replacements, sight gags etc.) or would have required too much time to get it all for me to accomplish a 5-day-per-week update cycle with enough funny per update to make it worth peoples' attention.

The whole plot was included in this runthrough, but it would be well worth the effort for anyone who hasn't played Tzepish's masterpiece; Every other spoof I've seen has just been (insert game here) + poop and gay jokes, but Tzep set a more ambitious standard, and tried -- successfully -- to create what is in my opinion the greatest ROM hack ever produced. I've sunk a month into this thread, but Tzep put ten years into making the hack, and it shows.

[Jiro]

It truly shows; every little bit of detail to create his own plot line, not just a nonsensical grouping of shit jokes.

[Tzepish]

Hi guys, Tzepish here, author of the spoof. Thank you so much, Citizen Bleys / Bastard Son, for creating this thread and sharing FF5Spoof with more people who might enjoy it. Not only have you expanded the audience for the spoof, but you've also provided an excellent and useful summary (with your own hilarious commentary!) for those who would enjoy experiencing the spoof but don't have the time to play through it themselves.

I figured I might as well address some of the questions and comments that came up in this epic thread.

* Faris is Jewish: This was meant to be an innocuous thing, where Faris admits to something different from what the player expects (that she's a women), but is still a minority and equally harmless. Later I played with having Faris "admit" to more and more outlandish things, which might have retroactively made the initial joke look bad. If I were to do it again, I'd keep Faris the same, but I'd cut the Jewish thing. Not that it's particularly anti-semitic, it's just... stupid.

* A pet peeve I'd change: I'd rename the "Wakarimasen" monster (which means "I don't understand") to "Wakarimasu" (which means "I understand"). It's the same joke, but the difference is Wakarimasu fits as a monster name and doesn't have to be abbreviated.

* Ifrit in the bookstore: Indeed I had run out of ideas, and a better idea came up in this very thread (that he's a particularly careful fire demon, seeing as he's surrounded by very flammable books). I wish I had thought of it, but oh well!

* All your base are belong to us: This was actually new and funny when I wrote it into the spoof... problem is, I didn't release it until ten years later. Whoops. I decided to keep it because it's a window into the timeframe in which it was written. I *did*. however, update a joke to reference Youtube instead of Kazaa before release, and I updated references to the XBox and the Gamecube to the XBox 360 and the Wii.

* Digger Nick: Yes, this is clearly the most offensive thing in the spoof, and yes, I do in fact regret it. It's Dave Chappelle without the satire, intelligence, or context. You have to set your brain to "lowest common denominator" mode to enjoy any of the Digger Nick stuff - I recognize that it can be funny, but it makes me wince, still. FF5Spoof is a complete project, and I have no plans to release another version, "now with less Digger Nick!", as much as I'd like to.

* Galuf steals Cara's body: Not only do I feel that this is *very* funny, but it fixes a bug in the original, where Cara starts spouting some of Galuf's dialog (with Galuf's name) if you don't visit the castle with the 12 elite weapons until after Galuf's death.

* The 12 Elite Weapons of de Ownage: Each is named for someone who helped me with the spoof. They are all credited in the credits.

* Tzepish / Exdeath turning into a tree: His "it was the first thing I could think of!" was deliberately making fun of the fact that Exdeath turns into a tree in the original. How lame is that?

* The ending: The ending was incredibly difficult to write. The ending is different depending on which characters are alive and which are dead at the end of the final battle. Each combination of alive/dead yields a different ending, but each ending borrows heavily from each other, so that each individual scene can be shown in multiple endings. The character who writes the letter changes, and on top of all that, the dialog and scene changes are synced to the music, so they had to be a certain length in order to be readable with the proper timing. I had created a map of how each scene is spawned, and tried to write each scene in ways that would make sense with every possible preceding and following scene, and regardless of who the letter-writer was.

* My favorite part: Karnak and the black crack. It just came together so well, it seemed like it was made for the original game!

Thanks again for this awesome thread. Maybe I'll start working on stuff again.

[Citizen Bleys]

* Faris is Jewish: This was meant to be an innocuous thing, where Faris admits to something different from what the player expects (that she's a women), but is still a minority and equally harmless. Later I played with having Faris "admit" to more and more outlandish things, which might have retroactively made the initial joke look bad. If I were to do it again, I'd keep Faris the same, but I'd cut the Jewish thing. Not that it's particularly anti-semitic, it's just... stupid.

I liked the Jewish thing; setting up an expectation and then doing something different and unexpected is the basis for most good comedy. I don't think anyone reasonable would consider it anti-semitic in the least. It comes across as good-natured fun that adds to the spoof.

Sure, I'm sure some loons would try to call it anti-semitic, but every group and culture on Earth has that minority share of nutjobs who are always looking for an excuse to be offended. I wouldn't hesitate to show the spoof to a Jewish friend, if I knew which of my friends were Jewish.



* All your base are belong to us: This was actually new and funny when I wrote it into the spoof... problem is, I didn't release it until ten years later. Whoops.

Somehow, that reaction makes the joke seem funnier to me.



* Digger Nick: Yes, this is clearly the most offensive thing in the spoof, and yes, I do in fact regret it. It's Dave Chappelle without the satire, intelligence, or context. You have to set your brain to "lowest common denominator" mode to enjoy any of the Digger Nick stuff - I recognize that it can be funny, but it makes me wince, still. FF5Spoof is a complete project, and I have no plans to release another version, "now with less Digger Nick!", as much as I'd like to.

Yeah, that's why pretty much all of the Digger Nick dialogue got cut even though Gilgamesh is one of my favourite characters.


* Galuf steals Cara's body: Not only do I feel that this is *very* funny, but it fixes a bug in the original, where Cara starts spouting some of Galuf's dialog (with Galuf's name) if you don't visit the castle with the 12 elite weapons until after Galuf's death.

Dude, that made the game. Not only does it blindside the player with funny in what we're expecting to be a sad scene (there's the expectation reversal formula again), but it's timed for just when we get over the levity at Galuf burning down the forest in a kind of Leslie Nielsen movie-esque one-two punch. Plus it sets up a lot of jokes later on in the game.


* Tzepish / Exdeath turning into a tree: His "it was the first thing I could think of!" was deliberately making fun of the fact that Exdeath turns into a tree in the original. How lame is that?

That line is twice as funny if you've been reading Tzep/Exdeath's lines in the voice of the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.



Maybe I'll start working on stuff again.

Hell yeah!

[Jiro]

Goddamn. Not only does he actually show up himself, but he says he's going to do more. This is the best day ever. Cheers Tzepish for putting this together. You might identify faults now but overall, from what Bleys has shown us, it's a damn good piece of comedy.

[Gamblet]

Wow... he.. is ... here!

[Tzepish]

Thanks guys. I *love* seeing the excitement and positive reactions. My website has sort of existed in its own bubble in a dark corner of the internet, so I have no idea how many people have actually enjoyed my projects. This thread has made my day and week :-D

[Quindiana Jones]

Tzepish, I expect you to quit any jobs you may have and remove yourself from all public life in order to make more of these for other games. Much obliged. :D

[Psychotic]

Thanks guys. I *love* seeing the excitement and positive reactions. Let me add to them. You are one creative and witty dude and I've really enjoyed seeing your work in this thread. Thank you!

[Goldenboko]

Thanks guys. I *love* seeing the excitement and positive reactions. Let me add to them. You are one creative and witty dude and I've really enjoyed seeing your work in this thread. Thank you!
One moooooore thing. If you ever feel creative with FF you should totally post it here on our site :monster:

[Raistlin]

Tzepish: Wow, it's awesome to see you here. I will echo the sentiments of others in that your FFV spoof was highly enjoyable, and that was just to read! I'm sure it is even more fun to play, which this thread has made me determined to do. I hope you do work on more things, because this was truly great.

[Del Murder]

This is the greatest thread and it is really cool to see Tzepish post. I loved this summary and I agree that Galuf stealing Cara's body was genius and the best part about this thing.

[Tzepish]

Holy necropost, Batman!

Eight years ago I said I wouldn't do an update to FF5Spoof... seven years later I said "nah" to that and decided to do one. One year later, here it is: http://www.romhacking.net/hacks/493/

I don't know if anyone from this thread is still around, but I incorporated as much of this feedback as I could! Thanks again everyone!