Monkeys Paw round 3.

[Hollycat]

Grant a wish, then make one. Just be careful how you word it. You might find your greatest desire turned into a nightmare.


I wish I was taller.

[Tigmafuzz]

Granted. You're 7 miles tall and therefore cannot get enough oxygen to sustain yourself and die very quickly, along with half of Asia because you stole their air.

I wish I had enchiladas.

[Faris]

Granted! They're the last ones though and everyone started to crave them at the same time and are now knocking on your door!

I wish I had an aquarium of exotic fish.

[Citizen Bleys]

Granted! The mobsters they were stolen from have now marked you for death.

I wish I were moderately smarter.

[Tigmafuzz]

Granted. You alienate yourself from those whose stupidity you cannot tolerate, and live the lonely, cynical, and depressing life of those with above average intellect, while not being able to contribute anything relatively important to science or humanity without even a slightly higher intellect, what with only being moderately smarter than you were. Thus you die alone, and full of regret.

I wish I lived in the forties so I could be in movies with Danny Kaye and Bing Crosby and Bob Hope.

[Goldenboko]

Granted! However you are drafted into World War II.

I wish my wish upon my worst enemy, so he would bear it's misfortune instead of me.

[Tigmafuzz]

Granted. Your worst enemy wishes that he were a giant chimpanzee, so he could beat you to death and smother you with his feces, which he promptly does. He then loses a bout with a new disease that only affects chimpanzees.

I wish I had a banana.

[Citizen Bleys]

Granted! You choke to death on your banana and the footage is used in a viral porn video.

I wish everyone else were moderately smarter.

[Tigmafuzz]

Granted. With more people having the courage (and ability) to think for themselves, eventually all world leaders agree that they should spread the message to help people see the folly of pushing religion on their children after learning that they can teach morals and ethics in more efficient ways with less repercussions and realize that religion offers absolutely nothing positive that we cannot otherwise achieve in a progressive intellectual modern society, we enter a platinum age of scientific enlightenment, the world becomes a grand utopia, and within twenty years there are absolutely no more questions left to answer. The unheard-of levels of technological advancement result in the discovery that we truly are alone in the universe, and allow us the capability of transporting ourselves to other worlds for colonization, but what's the point when there's obviously no god, no other beings to make contact with, no way to improve ourselves any longer after having completely revolutionized human thinking, and no higher purpose for our existence? When there's nothing we can do but live with the unsavory knowledge of our insignificance until the end of the universe sweeps us all away? Good job, you've destroyed all the mystery and wonder of life, and are considered to be the secular equivalent of "the antichrist" by all remaining generations of humanity, of which there are very few, because of the insane suicide rates you've caused. Also you're now one of the dumbest men alive. Ya jerk.

I wish I had better things to do than visit this site while in the hospital.

[The Summoner of Leviathan]

Granted. They discovered that you have one day to live, yet sadly you cannot leave the hospital because you are now chained to a hospital bed because your condition has left you insane and liable to all those around you.

I wish I could finally find the right man.

[Tigmafuzz]

Granted. You live happily together for three months until you come home from work one day to find your house has been struck by a small meteorite and destroyed only your bedroom, with him in it. You grieve for the next five years and eventually die of takotsubo cardiomyopathy.

I wish there were more pre-FFX Final Fantasy games to play.

[The Summoner of Leviathan]

Granted. They expand the FFVII universe until the point they create a huge MMORPG that you get addicted to and spend the rest of your life playing. Eventually, you are stuck at the computer with IV giving you life support until the day they close the servers. You have spent our life so involved into the game that you are left stunned. As you attempt to return to reality, you realize you have nothing to show for it, no friends, nothing. You are old and alone. One night, after can't taking it anymore, you die from auto-erotic asphyxiation while watching Sephiroth stab Aerith while tears goes down your cheeks.

I want a to become a White Mage/Summoner. :D

[Citizen Bleys]

Granted! You get no invites because of your failure to sub RDM and Refresh yourself.

I wish I had a cup of tea. Poison answer too obvious

I wish Cuch would come into this thread and say "Granted. You're still an arsehole. I wish you sodding bastards would all just shut the hell up"

[Mercen-X]

Granted. But his post was deleted for being NSFW.

His wish is also granted...



Also, the thread is now closed due to CB's wish that Cuch wish everyone shut up. Thus no one can post anything else. Well done.

Boy, do I wish I could make a wish.


Granted. They discovered that you have one day to live, yet sadly you cannot leave the hospital because you are now chained to a hospital bed because your condition has left you insane and liable to all those around you.

That in no way granted the wish.

[Tigmafuzz]

Boy, do I wish I could make a wish.

Granted. Your wish to make a wish gets so corrupted that the wish itself becomes sapient and curses its own existence, eventually turning on you, its creator, and stabbing you in the throat. Also somehow all cookies in the world are now stale. What.



Granted. They discovered that you have one day to live, yet sadly you cannot leave the hospital because you are now chained to a hospital bed because your condition has left you insane and liable to all those around you.

That in no way granted the wish.

Being insane isn't better than visiting this site?

I wish I was a monkey's uncle.

[Mercen-X]

Granted. Curious George is now your nephew. Good luck with that.

I wish I had no heart and ran on batteries.

[Citizen Bleys]

Granted. Nickel-cadmium.

I wish I hadn't eaten that burrito.

[Night Fury]

Granted, but you're now starving, and some other person ate that burrito and died, choking on their own vomit.

I wish my essay was finished

[Citizen Bleys]

Granted! The part you didn't write is liberally peppered with the N word.

I wish for a Muse of fire, that would ascend
The brightest heaven of invention,
A kingdom for a stage, princes to act
And monarchs to behold the swelling scene!

[Flying Mullet]

You get a paltry YouTube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDZXekgovuY

I wish all airplanes were the color orange.

[Goldenboko]

Granted! But you go blind just before it happens so you never get to admire your work.

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her, I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat, and a '64 Impala.

[Flying Mullet]

You grow 1mm taller. Whenever you speak to your girl (who had a sex change and is unable to have sexual intercourse) who looks good you can only speak in obscenity-laced turrets. The rabbit lives in your hat and always chases you around with its baseball bat, knee-capping you whenever possible. Your '64 Impala is the skeleton of an impala that was born in 1964.

But because it's 12/12/12 you can be a straight-up baller. :)

I wish I could run faster.

[Lonely Paper Star]

Granted, but you run so fast and often that you've forgotten how to walk!



I wish I had a delicious sushi roll delivered to me right now.

[Tigmafuzz]

Granted, it is delivered to you by a cannibal giant.

I wish I had Cheetos.

[Mercen-X]

Granted. The Cheetos mascot arrives and tells you to "eat him."

I wish for my fifteen minutes of fame.

[Tigmafuzz]

Granted. Everyone in the world learns of your existence for exactly fifteen minutes, then promptly forgets about you and is never able to remember you again, even if they meet you. Also your legs fall off.

I wish I could turn water into vodka.

[Mercen-X]

Granted. The water in your blood becomes vodka and you die of alcohol poisoning.

I wish to unlock the ultimate potential of a human brain.

http://www.omsusa.org/outside%20view.jpg

[Lonely Paper Star]

Granted. Then you die of a brain aneurysm.

I wish I was drunk and partying it up with my friends.

[Mercen-X]

Granted. You get so drunk you somehow end up having sex with yourself and have to take the walk of shame from your own place.

I wish to have the brain with its unlocked potential surgically replace my own and be resurrected by Victor Frankenstein (the brain's unlocked potential means I won't wander around like an idiot like Victor's original monster)

[Tigmafuzz]

Granted. You die again shortly after surgery from anesthesia-related complications.

I wish turtles could fly.

[Lonely Paper Star]

Granted. You can now see flocks of them soaring above.

... But then a poacher shoots at the sky and manages to hit a particularly large one flying right over your head. It plummets into you, and you die. :T



I wish I could teleport from my home to Austin, TX and back again, whenever I want.

[Tigmafuzz]

Granted, but you can only activate your teleport ability by pulling out one of your teeth with a pair of pliers every time you want to use it.

I wish bananas were free.

[Agent Proto]

Granted, bananas now taste and smell rotten. On the bright side, they are free!

I wish I had a better job.

[Flying Mullet]

Granted, your current job pays you an extra penny a day and you are required to work 1 minute less per day.

I wish for all of the previous wishes in this thread but that none of the outcomes are the same. :p

[Tigmafuzz]

Granted. Everyone's wishes come true, but instead of the previous corrupted outcomes, everyone who has made a wish turns into a paralyzed fish after their wish is granted and they are eaten very slowly and painfully by a bear.

I wish I could tell what other people were thinking before they thought of it.

[Mercen-X]

Granted. Now you're committed to a psyche ward for observation as your paranoid delusions of deja vu make you unable to deal with reality.

I wish the government would disperse and collapse.

[Tigmafuzz]

Granted. The entire world falls into a state of extreme chaos and people hunt each other like animals, you being the first to fall victim to a pack of roving degenerate humans.

I wish I had DBZ powers.

[Goldenboko]

Granted, you turn into Yamacha. That alone is punishment enough.

I wish I had a fish.

[Night Fury]

Granted. But this song is played 24/7 in your head everyday all day at maximum volume. You can no longer cope!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_miGclPFGs

I wish it could be July!

[Hollycat]

Granted. It's now July on planet Anxomb XIIX in the Booby sector of the andromeda galaxy. Meanwhile you got snow cancer somehow.

I wish I lost about 30 pounds of fat.

[Mercen-X]

Granted. The fat-eating monster ripped you open and siphoned off your excess, leaving you to bleed to death.

I wish I could see Genesis in VII: After Years.

[Hollycat]

Granted, but he only appears for 3 seconds during the hour long gay orgy scene, and you don't know which three seconds.

I wish I had a kitty.

[Lonely Paper Star]

Granted. You receive an adorable kitty that will scratch the living crap out of you every chance it gets. It may even be possessed.


I wish I was better at writing stories.

[Mercen-X]

(sweet! Hour-long gay orgy!)

Granted. You now have a kitty. It is pretty. However, you are now numb and have lost the ability to feel affection.

I wish all Magical Ponies would cease to exist.

[Tigmafuzz]

I wish I was better at writing stories.

Granted. You write stories so wonderfully and beautifully that people actually kill themselves after reading them, knowing that their lives will never be as exciting or fulfilling as the way your book portrays the world. You are executed for committing "mass psychological genocide," a crime newly added to the law books because of your case.


I wish all Magical Ponies would cease to exist.

Granted. Since every pony in the world is magical, they are all turned into Daleks, who then proceed to destroy all life on Earth.

I wish I had infinite Doritos.

[Mercen-X]

Granted. Sadly you drown in an endless sea of doritos crums.

I wish somebody would ask me more questions in WILTY.