View Full Version : Tell me a joke!
Calliope
11-05-2013, 06:26 AM
On reddit recently there was a thread where everyone shared their favourite "terrible" joke. Jokes with puns are my favourite kind, and I love to tell them to people, so please post your favourites here.
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A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, “What’s this about?”
The bartender replies, “Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?”
The guy thinks for a minute and replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”
A cloud of helium floats into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
Del Murder
11-05-2013, 06:41 AM
How do you spot an extroverted actuary? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you instead of his own.
Calliope
11-05-2013, 06:45 AM
Both of those were great! Del, I wonder if Charlie Brown grew up to be an actuary.
A photon checks into a hotel, and the bellhop asks if he can take any luggage.
"No thanks", the Photon replies. "I'm travelling light!"
Spuuky
11-05-2013, 06:46 AM
What is an alcoholic astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard?
The space bar.
Scotty_ffgamer
11-05-2013, 06:59 AM
Here's one that one of my old college roommates used to say all the time. At least, it was something like this. Anyways...
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
What does wheat say in Germany?
Gluten Morgen
I invented that one. It's pretty bad. :shobon:
I Took the Red Pill
11-05-2013, 10:33 AM
I've linked to this one (http://forums.kingdomofloathing.com/vb/showpost.php?p=1704611&postcount=96)before, and I'll do it again. You'll either love it or hate it.
As for a shorter one...
Two monkeys are sitting in a bathtub. One of them says "Ooooh oooh ooh AH AH AH!" The other says "Well jeez, just put some more cold water in it, then."
Rantz
11-05-2013, 12:08 PM
"We don't allow faster than light particles in here", said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.
Cuchulainn
11-05-2013, 12:14 PM
48259
Har har, being mean is fun. ~Shlup
I still like the one that I made up about Locky when she moved to Australia.
What spice does Locky use in Australia?
Tara-gone
Elskidor
11-05-2013, 02:42 PM
As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."
A seal walks into a club...
The seal one works wonders for Penguins too http://www.funny-games.biz/bloody-pingu.html (http://www.funny-games.biz/bloody-pingu.html) !
Sephex
11-05-2013, 02:55 PM
A forum member posts in Eyes on Each Other.
*rimshot*
Cosmiccandy
11-05-2013, 03:04 PM
How many cops does it take to chage a lightbulb? Doesn't matter, they just beat the room for being black.
Del Murder
11-05-2013, 06:49 PM
That above one is borderline...let's not go down that road.
Two actuaries went duck hunting. They saw a duck and both took a shot. The first actuary missed 100 feet to the left. The second actuary missed 100 feet to the right. They then celebrated, because on average, they hit the duck.
fire_of_avalon
11-06-2013, 02:00 AM
Lol.
A snail was making his way through the forest when he was unexpectedly mugged by a turtle. Several other woodland creatures saw the mugging and called the jackrabbit police force. The jackrabbits showed up quickly to assess the scene and asked the snail for his story. "I don't know!" stammered the snail, "It all happened so fast!"
How does Jesus taste? Saviory.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One goldfish looks to the other and says "I'll man the guns, you drive."
Quindiana Jones
11-06-2013, 03:57 AM
Two lions are walking through Times Square. One says to the other, "It's quiet for a Saturday."
I've linked to this one (http://forums.kingdomofloathing.com/vb/showpost.php?p=1704611&postcount=96)before, and I'll do it again. You'll either love it or hate it.
That was such a long setup for such a lame pun...
Why can I not stop laughing?
Vasher
11-07-2013, 09:04 AM
Guy spots a hot Thai girl at the other end of the bar. After awhile she noticed him looking, turns towards him, and starts giving him the "I'm gonna tear you up" eyes. When he sees this he starts thinking to himself "Please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner"...
... and then she does.
noxious.sunshine
11-08-2013, 02:42 PM
How many tweakers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
.......... None. They already used it to smoke out of.
bam.
Whaddaya call a cow w no legs?
Ground Beef
Whaddaya call a cow w 2 legs?
Lean beef.
Scottie
11-09-2013, 07:04 PM
When I said I wanted to be a comedian they all laughed at me.
Well no one's laughing now!
Shorty
11-10-2013, 09:51 PM
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
Slothy
11-10-2013, 09:53 PM
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
I am deeply disappointed in you.
Shorty
11-10-2013, 09:55 PM
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
I am deeply disappointed in you.
You don't have to be so salty about it.
Spuuky
11-11-2013, 02:26 AM
It's much better if you leave in the German words.
Calliope
11-11-2013, 09:10 AM
MORE JOKES, FOOLS
WildRaubtier
11-11-2013, 02:51 PM
Rene Descartes walks into a MacDonalds and orders a cheeseburger.
"Would you like fries with that?" asks the girl serving him.
"I think not," he answers, and instantly disappears.
WildRaubtier
11-11-2013, 02:53 PM
Two atoms accidentally bump into each other on the street. The first one helps the other up and asks "are you alright?"
The second answers "Oh, god, no, I think I've lost an electron."
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive."
WildRaubtier
11-11-2013, 02:54 PM
Knock Knock
Who's there??
Norma
Norma who?
... I wouldn't do this but would you like to buy an encyclopedia????
WildRaubtier
11-11-2013, 02:57 PM
how about some ffxi jokes
A dark knight walks into a bar. The dark knight was defeated by the bar.
A BLM, DRG and DRK decide to end it all and each jump off a tall building.
The black mage dies before hitting the ground.
The Dragoon skewers a hapless passerby and is otherwise fine.
The dark knight misses.
noxious.sunshine
11-11-2013, 08:59 PM
What do you call a lot with 50 chevys and 1 Ford?
A junkyard & a way to get home. Lawl
Lone Wolf Leonhart
11-12-2013, 07:05 AM
"Do you know any jokes about sodium?"
"Na."
Madame Adequate
11-12-2013, 05:51 PM
My favorite joke of all time:
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius Strip?
To get to the same side!
Werner Heisenberg was pulled over by a cop on the highway. "Do you know how fast you were going?" the cop demanded. "No, but I know where I am," said Heisenberg.
Oh my goodness, I was making up these knock knock jokes to piss off my 4-year-old cousin because they kept going over her head. I had a whole bunch, but these are the two I remember.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
You really should watch that show, it's great!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sorry, UPS tried to get ahold of you three times; You'll have to come to the office to pick up your package.
Shauna
11-12-2013, 06:27 PM
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
You really should watch that show, it's great!
The true punchline to this joke is "You just said it!", which is equal parts not funny and infuriating.
Dr Unne
11-13-2013, 01:31 AM
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." So the string leaves.
A bit later the string walks back into the bar, but now he's all roughed up, looped and tangled and some threads are coming loose at the ends.
The bartender says "Aren't you the string that was just in here?" The string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Quindiana Jones
11-13-2013, 01:44 AM
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
You really should watch that show, it's great!
The true punchline to this joke is "You just said it!", which is equal parts not funny and infuriating.
The correct punchline is:
"Doctor Who?"
"OOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OOOOOOOHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOH!"
And then you keep it going until they leave.
noxious.sunshine
11-13-2013, 10:11 AM
Parker cannot tell a knock knock joke to save her life. Bless it.
Elskidor
11-13-2013, 11:03 PM
One day when the professor walked to the black board, she noticed someone
had handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around,
scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly
erased it,and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again,she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in,expecting to be greeted by the
same word on the board, but instead, found the words,
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
drotato
11-16-2013, 02:03 AM
A human, an elf, and a dwarf all walk into a bar. The human turns to the dwarf and says, "You're lucky you're so short... That hurt like mad."
WildRaubtier
11-29-2013, 11:05 AM
just came across this on FB
its beautiful (http://9gag.com/gag/ajrg3dx?ref=fb.s)
Minami
11-30-2013, 01:06 PM
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask which period it's from
Aulayna
12-01-2013, 02:45 AM
What do you call 10 Taurens and a Gnome in a field? A good game of 5-a-side football!
/badumtishwowhumour
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