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Calliope
12-21-2013, 05:06 PM
http://i1292.photobucket.com/albums/b570/eoffpostsecret/2zjknes_zpsa1fc8a59.jpg

After I submitted this to the PostSecret thread, Spuuky went out of town for the weekend and the server was being moved. Then a bunch of people in #eoff added me on Steam, and Nicolas gave me a copy of FFVII. I've officially run out of excuses not to try playing through a RPG, other than "I can't be bothered".

But until then, it might amuse the rest of you lot to witness me bungle through something you lot trounced fifteen years ago!

DAY ONE

Okay! So...everyone warned me about the graphics, but other than the grainy scenery and my inability to read any signs, it's not so bad. The characters are kind of cute, although it's funny to see how the pixelated versions differ so much from the cover/concept art.

WHAT THE HELL I am stuck on the "keyboard controls" page, and nothing will advance it. Umm, umm. Okay. Scotty in #eoff says to press something and...there we go. Okay, I made it!

Alright. Naming characters...I will name Cloud "Nico" as an homage to my benefactor and nod to myself. Cannot be bothered renaming anyone else as scrolling through the letters is a pain. Why do the characters talk so slowly? Why is there so much waiting and nodding and walking? Is this what you lot like to do all day?

Did Barrett just punch a civilian in the face for NO REASON?

YES I GOT MY FIRST ACHIEVEMENT LIMIT BREAK BOOM BOOM BOOM

The first reactor blew up fine. The second one...okay I thought I set it, but there's no timer. I'll try again. Okay nothing's happening still...#eoff says it just doesn't go like that - why? I guess I'll try navigate back to the train or whatever, hmm.

Hey, Dingo Jellybean posted a walkthrough on GameFaqs! That's cool, I'll probably need that later...

Yeah okay so Tifa totes has the hots for me, that's cool, I can deal. Now I'm helping Aeris for some reason..."Don't walk on the flowers!" THAT'S AN EOFF JOKE I GET IT NOW YOU GUYS!! Now...I'm pushing barrels. Why? And why is Aeris so utterly useless? "I'm going to keep putting myself in danger because I'm used to it! Never forget that I grew up in the slums, even though my mother has a perfectly nice house now". Way to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and avoid all accountability, lady!

So it seems like Cloud/Nico has some pretty bad PTSD, we'll see how that goes. Walking through the slums is pretty rubbish, I'm having a lot of difficulty trying to navigate, and I wish that dude in the pipe would just die. At least I stole 5 gil from a dumb little kid whose bedroom I get to walk around in for some reason. Nothing in this game is making any sense.

Oh Bloody hell, Aeris is becoming really co-dependent. I just tried to run out of her goddamn house after more flashbacks and she caught me, so now I have to sneak out like a little dog...and then she bloody found me anyway, acting all coy and shit. Gurrrl, I just wasted a hella lot of time escorting you back to safety and now you want to go back into danger so that I can go get a beer or something. Ugh.

Now I'm stuck in a market, listening to endless reggae music and not being able to read any of the signs. I keep talking to this loner dude in a bar/restaurant (if it's a bar, it's really poorly laid out and has no ambiance) but I don't think I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Where are all the chocobos and fighting things, you guys?

Hollycat
12-21-2013, 05:10 PM
http://i1292.photobucket.com/albums/b570/eoffpostsecret/2zjknes_zpsa1fc8a59.jpg

After I submitted this to the PostSecret thread, Spuuky went out of town for the weekend and the server was being moved. Then a bunch of people in #eoff added me on Steam, and Nicolas gave me a copy of FFVII. I've officially run out of excuses not to try playing through a RPG, other than "I can't be bothered".

But until then, it might amuse the rest of you lot to witness me bungle through something you lot trounced fifteen years ago!

DAY ONE

Okay! So...everyone warned me about the graphics, but other than the grainy scenery and my inability to read any signs, it's not so bad. The characters are kind of cute, although it's funny to see how the pixelated versions differ so much from the cover/concept art.

WHAT THE HELL I am stuck on the "keyboard controls" page, and nothing will advance it. Umm, umm. Okay. Scotty in #eoff says to press something and...there we go. Okay, I made it!

Alright. Naming characters...I will name Cloud "Nico" as an homage to my benefactor and nod to myself. Cannot be bothered renaming anyone else as scrolling through the letters is a pain. Why do the characters talk so slowly? Why is there so much waiting and nodding and walking? Is this what you lot like to do all day?

Did Barrett just punch a civilian in the face for NO REASON?

YES I GOT MY FIRST ACHIEVEMENT LIMIT BREAK BOOM BOOM BOOM

The first reactor blew up fine. The second one...okay I thought I set it, but there's no timer. I'll try again. Okay nothing's happening still...#eoff says it just doesn't go like that - why? I guess I'll try navigate back to the train or whatever, hmm.

Hey, Dingo Jellybean posted a walkthrough on GameFaqs! That's cool, I'll probably need that later...

Yeah okay so Tifa totes has the hots for me, that's cool, I can deal. Now I'm helping Aeris for some reason..."Don't walk on the flowers!" THAT'S AN EOFF JOKE I GET IT NOW YOU GUYS!! Now...I'm pushing barrels. Why? And why is Aeris so utterly useless? "I'm going to keep putting myself in danger because I'm used to it! Never forget that I grew up in the slums, even though my mother has a perfectly nice house now". Way to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and avoid all accountability, lady!

So it seems like Cloud/Nico has some pretty bad PTSD, we'll see how that goes. Walking through the slums is pretty rubbish, I'm having a lot of difficulty trying to navigate, and I wish that dude in the pipe would just die. At least I stole 5 gil from a dumb little kid whose bedroom I get to walk around in for some reason. Nothing in this game is making any sense.

Oh Bloody hell, Aeris is becoming really co-dependent. I just tried to run out of her goddamn house after more flashbacks and she caught me, so now I have to sneak out like a little dog...and then she bloody found me anyway, acting all coy and trout. Gurrrl, I just wasted a hella lot of time escorting you back to safety and now you want to go back into danger so that I can go get a beer or something. Ugh.

Now I'm stuck in a market, listening to endless reggae music and not being able to read any of the signs. I keep talking to this loner dude in a bar/restaurant (if it's a bar, it's really poorly laid out and has no ambiance) but I don't think I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Where are all the chocobos and fighting things, you guys?
On disk 3.

Good for you for starting with ff7

AssassinDX
12-21-2013, 05:17 PM
I can't remember the order in which you do it, but try talking to either the barman or the lonely guys son, who runs a clothes shop elsewhere in the market (further south). Failing that there's a dude in the toilet of the bar being sick, one of those three triggers the next stage in the game.

Calliope
12-21-2013, 05:20 PM
Well, it wasn't up to me, it was a matter of chance. We'll see how I go.

DAY TWO, PART ONE

I woke up early and immediately logged back onto this stupid game, even though I knew I should be washing my dishes and vacuuming the floor and I'm hungry. Is this why Spuuky never does any housework and forgets to eat? I'm really sick of the reggae music so I want to get done with this as soon as possible. After looking up three walkthroughs (Sorry, DJ, yours isn't thorough enough for a non-gamer like myself) - none of which have a map, I might add - I go drag the good for nothing tailor out of the bar and force him to make me a pretty purple silk dress. Then I go do some squats like a champ (apparently the "switch" button I wanted on my keyboard was "insert", huh, why would you have all the buttons be over there, except for one random one?) and make a grown man cry. I can't say I'm a fan of how this whole crossdressing arc is being played out - you'd think a professional ex-marine or whatevs would be professional about using strategy to infiltrate an enemy complex. Wait, why is Tifa in a brothel? And why is she just in the basement if it's apparently that easy to walk out into the hallway and then outside? *shrug* Time to try not to get raped, I guess!

Sephiroth
12-21-2013, 05:22 PM
I can give you my walkthrough and just need to translate the parts you need. It also has Screenshots.

Calliope
12-21-2013, 05:24 PM
Cool!

Also, apparently I can't take screenshots of this game, unless I'm doing it wrong (which is likely).

Jinx
12-21-2013, 05:25 PM
The lonely guy has a DAUGHTER, not a SON.

Holy trout, this is quite hilarious and excellent, Calliope. I know you're not trying to be funny. It still is. WE NEED SCREENCAPS.

EDIT: oh. :( prntscr, paste in Paint?

Calliope
12-21-2013, 05:31 PM
49357

I am too lazy to figure out Steam screenshots (I tried that method and it just pastes as a black block), so this is what you get instead.

Psychotic
12-21-2013, 05:31 PM
The squats always used to confuse me as a kid, it has to be said!

Calliope
12-21-2013, 05:35 PM
I'd like to point out that Don DouchebagRapeyPants is sitting in a giant red chair, wearing a red robe trimmed with white, and he has a couple of little elf dudebro minions on either side of him...he's basically Santa.

Line up in front of the Don? smurf you, we're not cattle. I really hope I get to beat the living daylights out you real soon.

OH WHAT THE SMURF Aeris and I were just tossed to the little elfbros like sodden leftovers NOT COOL MAN

Oh, gross, look at all that clutter on the floor of the elfbro lair. Eww, eww, please give me a quest chain where I get to pick up all your beer cans and bottles and do your dishes, ugh.

HOLY CRAP Cloud/Nico just said he didn't want no scrubs, a scrub is a guy who can't get no love from me, hanging on the passenger side of Don DouchebagRapeyPants' huge and suspicious mansion, trying to get with me

"The man with the gun arm" - is Bruce Campbell in this game?

Okay, so now we're in a sewer (after I saw Aeris was totally game to defend herself while in the company of others who could protect her, but not when she was alone and in danger) and we just beat up a poor, muzzled and bound sewer prisoner. That's not okay! I think that CloudNico must have some anger issues to sort out.

CLOUDNICO JUST GAINED CROSS DRESS!

I mean, cross slash. w00t!

Ayen
12-21-2013, 05:59 PM
The man with the gun arm is Barret and Bruce Campbell didn't have a gun tied to his arm in Evil Dead, it was a chainsaw. Don't make me nerd out on you.

Only advice I can give is to level up by 2/3 in-between each boss. The game officially starts when you get out of Midgar and past the flashback scene.

Pike
12-21-2013, 06:13 PM
Then a bunch of people in #eoff added me on Steam

Hey, you added me first!

Calliope
12-21-2013, 06:19 PM
Yeah, and then I found the eoff group and added you :roll2

Currently stuck on a train, unable to jump from the hole in the train to the ladder on the other side. The ladder is taunting me. Why must navigation be so hard?

Jinx
12-21-2013, 06:20 PM
Oh shit, the Train Graveyard is so tough the first time through.

Pike
12-21-2013, 06:23 PM
Yeah, and then I found the eoff group and added you :roll2

Just making sure I wasn't the enabler here :holmes: Let's blame #eoff together!

Jinx
12-21-2013, 06:27 PM
ITT: Pike doesn't make friends with people, people make friends with Pike

:monocle:

Pike
12-21-2013, 06:28 PM
ITT: Pike doesn't make friends with people, people make friends with Pike

what do you mean "In this thread"? This is how my whole life operates.

Anyways I haven't played FF7 in about ten years so I have no sage advice to give.

Ayen
12-21-2013, 06:29 PM
Oh trout, the Train Graveyard is so tough the first time through.

The first time through? I can never remember how to navigate that place and then--

*random battle exe*

Dammit! brb.

AssassinDX
12-21-2013, 09:42 PM
49357

I am too lazy to figure out Steam screenshots (I tried that method and it just pastes as a black block), so this is what you get instead.

It's F12 by default, but ignore that, keep posting Paint pics of what you're doing.

Carl the Llama
12-21-2013, 09:52 PM
You should totally stream your playthrough on twitch!

Niale
12-21-2013, 10:30 PM
Have fun gaming :)

Calliope
12-22-2013, 05:16 AM
I do not approve of the phrase, "stop acting like a retard and climb"

See also: Slapping women

PS - Climbing all these stairs reminds me of when I was in university: I used to refuse the elevator because I was too impatient to wait for it, and instead climb 13+ flights several times a day, often pausing at the top to drop coins down the stairwell :D

Scotty_ffgamer
12-22-2013, 05:26 AM
I don't remember that line. Then again, it's been a really long time since I've played much of the game at all.

My university was full of stairs and hills.

Calliope
12-22-2013, 05:48 AM
49370

I'm stuck in this stupid goddamn elevator. Every time I try to press the green button, it just makes Tifa babble mundanely.

Jinx
12-22-2013, 05:52 AM
Why does Cloud have boobs? Is he still wearing his cross-dressing dress?

Calliope
12-22-2013, 05:56 AM
He has his arms crossed :p

Calliope
12-23-2013, 01:08 AM
49382

Today has been really tiring. So many stairs! So much running around unlocking boxes, meddling about in the water closet, crawling through air ducts, vandalizing vending machines...talking wolfdogs, a sword through the spine, scared old fat man, high speed elevator duel...lots of stuff!

I have to stop playing now though because I am incapable of switching materia using my keyboard, so I just tried to fight a boss dude with only Sense and Steal and Fire for my party of three...let's just say that party ended pretty early.

EDIT: Oh bollocks, it appears that I've managed to hack into the materia system somehow...not by following the useless tutorial, though! Let's see if I can do it again...

Jinx
12-23-2013, 01:26 AM
I hope you gave the toilet a flush for me. :heart:

Calliope
12-23-2013, 01:34 AM
I did, actually. It's only polite.

Shorty
12-23-2013, 01:35 AM
This is the best thread in existence and I am loving the play-by-plays xD KEEP IT UP

Calliope
12-23-2013, 04:50 AM
Dear journal,

Today was like, really strange, man! I had this sweet-as motorcycle and I was chasing after my friendz car in it, but evil biker dudes kept trying to hit their car with big sticks, so I zoomed around and KA-POW, cracked some skulls! Pretty epic, right? Then just when I'd checked everyone was okay...we had to fight a giant armoured tank! Not a tank with more bad dudes in it, this was like...a live tank, you guys. And when we'd finished with the tank my friends took off and suddenly...it was like the world expanded tenfold. Like, I didn't even realize that the world was so big before, y'know? Me and a couple of my pals ran around fighting big purple cat things and just as I was REALLY starting to get tired, we found an inn, with my other two friends there! Sweet!

Things got weird again though because when I walked in everyone said I was late, even though three of us had just arrived at the same time, the hell? Anyway, so we're in our room at the inn and I'm looking around and realize that there are only three beds for the five of us, which sounds fine to me if you know what I mean! So, I'm trying to decide if I should bang Tifa or Aeris, when they start asking me all about Sephiroth which is a MAJOR BONER KILLER. I figure I can score some cool points or maybe even just some pity fan service by talking about my history as a child SOLDIER working under Sephiroth...Oh, Sephiroth! With your mesmerizing fighting skills, stoic countenance and startlingly blue eyes...sigh...

Me and Tifa reminisced about the good old days, like that time we crossed a rope bridge that collapsed and a member of our party was missing, mangled somewhere, so we just left him to die...things were simpler then.

Am I...human?

Man...maybe I should lay off that locoweed.

STAY COOL,

~xXNicoXx~

PS - Rusty if you're reading this you're a major douche and I'm going to WASTE YOU lol

Jinx
12-23-2013, 04:57 AM
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PANTIES

WHAT ABOUT THE PANTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES

Calliope
12-23-2013, 05:20 AM
What about MY sadness!?

My family...friends?

Loony BoB
12-23-2013, 02:12 PM
This thread is all kinds of fantastic.

Jinx
12-23-2013, 02:12 PM
What about MY sadness!?

My family...friends?

but panties

Calliope
12-23-2013, 07:24 PM
Day Four

I may have to take a break today. The finger I use to press the "X" key is tremouring and it hurts like hell if I try to make a closed fist. May try to play some guitar later instead, my poor non-gamery fingers ._.

Jinx
12-23-2013, 07:26 PM
filthy casaul

Shorty
12-23-2013, 07:27 PM
We've all been there.

Ayen
12-23-2013, 07:52 PM
Welcome to the land of blistered thumbs.

Calliope
12-23-2013, 08:35 PM
Playing guitar has taught my plenty about calloused fingertips, but I'm not a fan of the shakes xD

Psychotic
12-23-2013, 08:44 PM
Why is Sephiroth a MAJOR BONER KILLER when his sword is clearly a metaphor for the longest boner of all?

Calliope
12-23-2013, 09:28 PM
Because of the trauma! I alluded to CloudNico's smouldering passion for his long-haired mentor...

Rantz
12-23-2013, 10:24 PM
I love this narration. Keep it up!

KentaRawr!
12-23-2013, 10:32 PM
I offer you this in celebration of your playing Final Fantasy 7: Space Jam de Chocobo (Quad City DJs vs Nobuo Uematsu) - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgHYGKeh6VQ)

I've never beaten FF7 either, to be honest. I'll just live through you as you play! It helps that you named Cloud "Nico," since that's my name! :p

Jiro
12-24-2013, 09:11 AM
I get some sick satisfaction out of flushing the toilet like 10-15 times to just put a small dent in Shinra's economic might. Gotta pay for the water and power, scumbags.

Rantz
12-24-2013, 09:28 AM
But they provide the water and power! They'll call it a shortage and drive up the price of water and power by 300%. You're ruining the lives of the poor Midgarians, Jiro!

Pike
12-24-2013, 09:28 AM
But they provide the water and power! They'll call it a shortage and drive up the price of water and power by 300%. You're ruining the lives of the poor Midgarians, Jiro!

SimCity: Midgar

(Would play)

Jiro
12-25-2013, 01:07 AM
Eventually it will be unsustainable and Shinra will collapse. We must all sacrifice for the greater good.

Spuuky
12-28-2013, 07:57 AM
My wife is pretty much super-mad that she got a Chocobo but doesn't get to just keep it for the rest of the game.

Calliope
12-28-2013, 08:05 AM
DAY FIVE
Today I found a chocobo and I was so happy! But then I couldn't save the game and it ran away, and now I'm stuck on a boat where there are no chocobos and I am very sad.

49529

Also, the snake thing beat me, even though I could summon a chocobo to help me :(

Scotty_ffgamer
12-28-2013, 08:08 AM
Wark!

I saw you were playing the game earlier, and I got excited for the next update you'd do immediately after I saw that, haha. I love your MS Paint drawings of your progress in the game.

Psychotic
12-28-2013, 08:16 AM
Chocobo to the face, Snake Boy!

Calliope
12-29-2013, 02:24 AM
From the walkthrough I'm glancing at:


Speaking of, if you're trying to befriend Yuffie for the 'date' sequence later, make sure you have a Tranquilizer to give her.WHAT THE?
:nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono: :nonono:

Shorty
12-29-2013, 02:27 AM
Oh dear oh dear xD

Jiro
12-29-2013, 02:38 AM
That actually does sound pretty fucking dodgy. But in context it makes a little more sense?

Calliope
12-29-2013, 03:08 AM
I actually haven't met Yuffie yet, so I don't know!

49541

So, I just defeated a big jelly monster on the boat, which involved summoning Shiva for the first time and summoning the chocomog (which doesn't seem to do any damage, but at least I get to see a chocobo). It's after the battle and we've just disembarked and had Tifa make cute remarks about Barrett. There doesn't seem to be any mention of the battle on the ship, it just sailed as per usual which is somewhat odd because I think all of the real crew were unconscious! Cue more hand-wringing from CloudNico, but not as much as Jenova did, hurr hurr! No big deal, just gonna go catch some rays now I guess? Tifa and Aeris are off to do some girly things like frolic in bikinis and talk about boys. Not terribly impressed with how women are being treated in this game thus far, but perhaps things will suddenly change once Yuffie gets introduced?

Jiro
12-29-2013, 03:18 AM
Yuffie's just a brat. Also you can encounter Yuffie in the forests near Junon if you fancy a back track.

Calliope
12-29-2013, 06:36 AM
I am exhausted and have officially given up for the evening. I beat Dwayne (or Devon or whatever Barret's friend's name was) although it took me a couple of attempts, managed to win a Chocobo race (not an easy feat using a keyboard!) which was very cute and I wish I could have raced again. Have since gone back to try find Yuffie and I thought that I'd beaten her too, but the clever minx just swiped the contents of my wallet and vanished into the "forest", which was rather difficult for me to find - how am I supposed to distinguish between one globby green thing and another?

Ugh, I give up. Time for ice cream and hopefully a movie.

Jiro
12-29-2013, 11:40 AM
Dyne is a pretty fucking awesome character

Psychotic
12-29-2013, 12:16 PM
Don't worry, you can race again! You can even breed your own chocobos for racing :excited:

Jinx
12-29-2013, 04:21 PM
Barry's friend Dwayne, and their shared daughter Melody.

Calliope
01-03-2014, 01:46 PM
I can't sleep, so I played for a couple more hours today. I finally got Yuffie and am currently camped out at Nanaki's house. The frogs were cute but they got annoying very quickly. *shrug*