How often would you kick a cat if every time you kicked it, it pooped out a diamond?

[Loony BoB]

This is a legitimate conversation that popped up today at work. Well, a guy got hurt and said every time he does a certain movement he makes a sound like an injured cat crapping out a diamond, and it all went from there.

Regardlesss, how often would you kick a cat if every time you kicked it, it pooped out a diamond?

[Psychotic]

Fetch me smitzy, it's time for a penalty shoot out!

[Pumpkin]

None

Reminds me of this:

LJQ-LZYAMBQ

[Bubba]

Now how hard are we talking for a kick in order for a diamond to be produced? If it did no lasting damage then I'd be tempted to say quite a few times.

Also, it would depend entirely on the quality of the diamond. If we are talking mega-bucks blood diamond standard then that cat would take a licking as I'd just keep on kicking.

[Quindiana Jones]

If it's a specific cat that exclusively has this ability and I own the cat and nobody else knows about the ability, a lot. If, like, every cat pooped out a diamond when kicked, then I guarantee the value of diamonds will plummet to slightly below the value of belly button fluff within three hours of the discovery of such a phenomenon. In such a case, never. Unless it was a cat I disliked.

[Loony BoB]

We're talking bruising here, but just shy of breaking bones kicking. And yes, high quality diamonds, blood diamond standard. The harder you kick, the bigger the diamond. We're getting to broken bones if you're not careful, and you don't want a dead diamond-pooping cat, so you'll have to be very careful with how you manage that, should you opt to get kicking. And it is only this cat that has this ability. It's a rather unique cat.

EDIT: A brief discussion with my colleagues and I've now edited this to include the idea that harder kicks will produce bigger diamonds.

[Bubba]

You would need to measure the kicks quite carefully then. I mean damn, if I don't get a blood diamond every time then I'll be upset.

Also, what kind of temperament does this cat have? Is it a cat that doesn't mind being kicked pretty hard or does it cower and squeal in pain? If it's the latter then the guilt factor could play a big part.

Also, can we provide the cat with padding to minimise damage yet still have maximum productivity?

[Pike]

I don't like this thread :(

[Old Manus]

Only if it's Cat Deeley.

[Aulayna]

This is a legitimate conversation that popped up today at work.

Code for "I made this up just now and thought it'd be a great troll."

[Bubba]

You would need to measure the kicks quite carefully then. I mean damn, if I don't get a blood diamond every time then I'll be upset.

Also, what kind of temperament does this cat have? Is it a cat that doesn't mind being kicked pretty hard or does it cower and squeal in pain? If it's the latter then the guilt factor could play a big part.



Don't forget that an angry, mean cat might attack you if you kick it. I mean, getting a blood diamond might be worth some bites and scratches, but it's still a deterrent.

This can easily be rectified by wearing padding yourself. I'm guessing we wouldn't need to be constantly kicking this cat so we wouldn't need to wear protection all the time. Still, a blood diamond would enable you to buy the highest quality padding for both you and the cat.

I would definitely treat the cat with comfortable housing, lots of gifts, plenty of grooming, other whore cats so it could satisfy its desires. It would just be that 1% of the time where it gets a bit of a kicking to put up with. This maybe slightly confusing for the cat but at least it lives the life of riley for the rest of the time. Most cats would give their right paw for this lifestyle.

Also, does the cat poop normally all the rest of the time?

[Shorty]

Diamonds are a dime a dozen these days. I'd rather go to the Crater of Diamonds state park (https://roadtrippers.com/blog/everyones-finding-diamonds-at-this-state-parkfor-reals); would be more fun and less guilt-inducing than kicking a cat!

[Ergroilnin]

Poor cat wouldn't make it past two minutes of me discovering it's possibilities I am afraid.

[Madame Adequate]

No times, I like cats.

However, life with cats does mean you occasionally walk into them in the dark, so I'd probably still make some money.

[Mirage]

No thanks. Gold is easier to sell and I don't really like dogs.

[krissy]

sixty nine times

https://33.media.tumblr.com/9a73433e19f27be8c1747ab0ca50d6e5/tumblr_ndzcj69GJ81qk4s2co1_500.jpg

[Quindiana Jones]

Small kicks for small diamonds would be fine. I don't want to look like a criminal.

[Sephex]

Name the cat Pink Floyd. Kick it. Say, "Shine on you crazy diamond." Become jokester of the year.

[krissy]

air kick the cat and name it lucy

lucy in the sky with diamonds?

[Sephex]

That could backfire because a cat named Lucy wI'll try to dodge you and make you look like Charlie Brown.

[escobert]

Is it my kitty or a random kitty?

[blackmage_nuke]

If this cat is making matter from nothing first I'd have to build particle and energy detectors to observe how the diamonds are entering our universe and hopefully use this information to develop wormholes or at the very least use it's to create some kind of perpetual motion machine whereby the cat is kept at a high altitude, a wheel of boots is spun to kick it and the diamonds drop onto a turbine which powers the wheel. (assuming that the cat requires a regular diet)

The cat would be heavily sedated and hopefully we could clone or breed it to get several cats going.

If this will be the only cat ever that will do this we will need to observe it's ability to compress matter into a diamond biologically without enourmous amounts of energy so we might be able to reproduce it. We can only do that by kicking it.

[Loony BoB]

nuke: I'm gonna go with 'magic'.

[blackmage_nuke]

Well then at the very least I hope I can produce enough diamonds with my perpetual cat kicking machine to kill the whole engagement ring business/scam as well as hopefully destroying trade of blood diamonds and sparing some human lives for the suffering of a cat.

[Quindiana Jones]

nuke: I'm gonna go with 'magic'.

If you'd've told me this was a farce from the get go, then I wouldn't have bloody bothered.

[Loony BoB]

How dare you say magic is a farce. I've seen it in video games therefore it must be real.

[Bubba]

I love how detailed nuke's thought process is.