View Full Version : Escape from EoFF: Let's Play The Escapists!

04-26-2015, 11:27 PM

So, this is me.


I don't drink, Eyes on Final Fantasy. This is an important piece of information because three days ago I woke up with an almighty hangover. Regretfully I didn't get to enjoy this, because what woke me up was the sound of five Cid's Knights kicking my front door in. Easy, right? The best resistance I could put up was to feebly vomit on scotty's shoes. smurfing crocs. In 2015. I did him a favour if you ask me.

I'm then thrown before a judge. The judge. Loony BoB himself. Apparently he'd held a very important meeting with Square-Enix on that night. Yes, that made sense, he had asked me to attend along with him as a representative of EoFF. What I hadn't counted on was the strength of the booze that night and me being the lightweight to end all lightweights.

Apparently, as Daniel had been sat around the table with various Square-Enix representatives, I had placed my erect penis on his shoulder (left) and announced this as "Good evening gentlemen, behold the true power behind the throne". As the collective lungs of Kitase, Tabata, Toriyama and various other Square-Enix employees who I am too lazy to Google drew in a gasp, I felt the need to break the awkward silence by saying "What? I'm pretty sure it's what Jesus would've done."

Long story short, lonny bob was very, very unhappy with your humble narrator. But hey, smurf it, it's just wacky Psychotic shenanigans, right? He didn't see it that way.


Well, smurf. So it turns out he really, really knows how to hold a grudge. I'm going to be stuck in this hellhole prison he made for seven years. Seven years! The inmates are a mixture of perverts, sadists, weasels and bronies. The guards aren't much better.


Do you want to be a part in this Let's Play? You can! A random prison inmate can be named after you! You don't have to do anything, but obviously the thread will be more fun if you get involved, have fun with it and live vicariously through your character.

I should point out the prisoner sprite breakdown is randomly generated, but if you say which one (1 to 6 going across, and bluebeard too!) you want I'll try, no promises, to get you one that looks like that. If everyone wants to be generic brown/blonde haired dude then it's not going to work because they're usually quite rare. I'm not gonna wait around here either, I'm gonna start tomorrow regardless and just assign any leftovers to whichever EoFFer names pop into my head first.


Sir Lancealot
Aerith's Knight
Officer Shauna
Officer Scotty
Officer Shiny
Officer Pike
Officer Quin
Officer Matt
Officer Pumpkin
Officer LWL
Officer Freya
Officer Angus

I'm not staying in this trouthole at the whim of a dictator. You can imprison me, lonny bob, but I can and will escape and there is no force on this forum that can stop me.

Two weeks. That's all I need.


04-26-2015, 11:34 PM
Stick me in there. I care not what sort of prisoner represents me, only that I am represented!

04-26-2015, 11:41 PM
ME! I'd like to be a bald guy or a guy with a muzzle.

Colonel Angus
04-26-2015, 11:54 PM
ME! I'd like to be a bald guy or a guy with a muzzle.



04-27-2015, 12:01 AM
I'll be the blond. If not him then the orange hair dude. If not him then I'll just pretend I'm blond with whatever.

04-27-2015, 12:23 AM
I would very much love to be a prisoner.

04-27-2015, 05:42 AM
Thanks for vomiting on my crocs. I'm not sure what came over me.

04-27-2015, 06:02 AM
Oh yay I'm already in it :jess:

I'm the best looking one :smug: 63989

04-27-2015, 07:58 AM
Oh yay I'm already in it :jess:

I'm the best looking one :smug: 63989But that's Officer Angus!

Sir Lancealot
04-27-2015, 11:47 AM
I'd like to be a Bluebeard.

04-27-2015, 11:54 AM
You will never escape. :colbert:

04-27-2015, 01:02 PM
You can put my name down for this.

Anything resembling a gimp midget will be perfect but if not as close as you can get.

04-27-2015, 01:48 PM
Warden BoB has offered some suggestions as to who he wants to see incarcerated in his jail!

I should point out the warden isn't on that little list of characters but we will occasionally see him doing the rounds.

04-27-2015, 02:51 PM
Oh sweet, I get to imprison eoffers! My life long dream has been realized :D

04-27-2015, 03:08 PM
But you've only been a member for 11 years! (I say "only")

04-27-2015, 03:11 PM
I'm in. I like the Escapist.

04-27-2015, 03:41 PM
Oh yay I'm already in it :jess:

I'm the best looking one :smug: 63989But that's Officer Angus!

Like heck it is :colbert:

04-27-2015, 03:59 PM
But you've only been a member for 11 years! (I say "only")
I'm actually only 11, weirdos.

04-27-2015, 04:12 PM
But you've only been a member for 11 years! (I say "only")
I'm actually only 11, weirdos.

You look older in your selfies. :shifty:

Aerith's Knight
04-27-2015, 06:07 PM
I'll apply for arch-nemesis.

04-27-2015, 07:24 PM
Right, time to get this a-rollin'. No more sign ups, please! Thanks everyone for wanting to take part, I appreciate it!

04-27-2015, 09:21 PM
Day 1


1. Bubba
2. ToriJ
3. Jinx
4. Lawr
5. Steve
6. Vivi22
7. Huxley
8. Aerith's Knight
9. Kalevala
10. Dan
11. Mirage
12. Levian
13. Karifean
14. Sir Lancealot
15. Denmark
16. Jowy
17. Del
18. Eugene
19. Old Manus
20. Officer Shauna
21. Officer Scotty
22. Officer Shiny
23. Officer Pike
24. Officer Quin
25. Officer Matt
26. Officer Pumpkin
27. Officer LWL
28. Officer Freya
29. Officer Angus


This place stinks of piss. Or broken dreams. Maybe they're the same thing. I'm in Chocobo Wing. Yes, the warden, BoB, actually named the wings of the prison Chocobo, Moogle, Tonberry and Cactuar. To my left is Del, a suspected mafia capo and to my other side is Jowy, arrested while trying to bust some other guy called Doomgaze out of the big house. I hate them both already.


A buzzer that sounds very much like someone has stuffed a weasel into a blender wakes me up. This is shortly followed by a ferocious dragon of a guard called Shauna dragging me out of the comfort of my dubiously stained and rock hard bed. She seems to be the leader of the guards and as far as sociopaths go, she's especially hateful.


Every day, three times a day, she's going to toss two inmate's cells looking for contraband. If she finds anything, you can bet your ass is going in solitary. What is contraband in this place? smurfing everything apparently. Shiv? Contraband. Screwdriver? Contraband. Duct tape? Contraband. Even dirt is contraband according to Fuhrer Shauna. Questioning this ridiculous policy earns me a slap in the mouth from Officer Angus.

Also apologies to AK and TJ. AK's name is too long so I had to shorten it, and it doesn't allow more than one capital letter per name for whatever reason.


Right. Well. Of course. Of course I would be locked up in a prison with someone who has some sort of sick fascination with spoons. That's just perfect.


One of the prisoners, Steve, nervously approaches me during rollcall and offers me money to get his precious flashlight back. I ask if he uses it to make shadow puppets. He replies it's so he can get off under the covers of his bed at night. I don't ask for more information but he volunteers it anyway. He suggests he can get me a good deal on subscriptions to Women With Insects Magazine and Erotic Armpits Fortnightly.

I decline.


I'm immediately handed a mop, broom and bleach by Officer Pumpkin and ordered to swab the floors. I shudder to think what these fluids I'm cleaning up are. She informs me I can make money from doing this. I inform her I can make money selling my kidneys and it's probably a lot healthier for me. She informs me that I shouldn't headbutt her baton so hard.


I hear a scuffle down the hallway as I'm doing my rounds, and by the time I get there Denmark is laid out on his ass while Huxley is running in the opposite direction. What went down here?


Wasting no time, I rifle through his pockets. Chocolate! I remember a rumour from two screenshots ago that Denmark was an armed robber. Why, he probably stole this chocolate at gunpoint! On the other hand, maybe it's not the best of ideas to tangle with an armed robber as I could end up with a serious case of shankitis.

Then it hit me. I'm the janitor. This is my job. Somebody left this unconscious body on the floor. It is my duty, no, my destiny to clean it up. I pocket the chocolate.


Well that's just smurfing fantastic. It turns out my moral quandary wasted too much time and I didn't do my job to whatever vague standards that jackass sets. I expect a substantial severance package. If nothing else I'm keeping the bleach.


So I'm pretty sure this is prison slang for giving blow jays. Noted. Always good to know someone in prison who can perform such vital services.


In the afternoon I come across Karifean giving Vivi22 a vigorous shanking. I can only assume another flashlight has been nabbed. Sir Lancealot emerged from the gym, confusingly remarked that they were both hipsters, and strolled on by. I just don't get this smurfing place.

Officer Freya follows up with a blow to the back of Karifean's head, sending him sprawling. I guess we can call the fight a tie?


At dinner, I note that the infamous Spoon Bandit has not struck tonight. I've got plans of my own for the cutlery and stuff my pockets with plastic forks. That should confuse and piss off a lot of hungry inmates! #rekt #trollolol There's method to my madness though.


Posted without further comment.


I head to my cell to take a dump when who do I see striding down the halls? lonny bob. I'm half tempted to slug him in the face for firing me from my janitor job but think better of it when I spy a camera. And he seems to be waiti... oh god, he wants to watch my bowel movements now? I mean, I know I shouldn't be surprised at this development but god damn.


I quickly snatch the sheets from Del and Jowy's beds and make myself some makeshift curtains. lonny bob isn't going to rob that dignity from me just yet, damnit.


At the final Rollcall of the day, Eugene tells us all something we've long suspected. His pyromaniacal tendencies play a big part in those therapy sessions one assumes.


Lights Out, and while my fellow inmates (apart from ToriJ apparently) slumber I spring into action. The bed sheets covering the bars of my cell mean the guards can't see the heavy mining equipment I'm operating with. How many plastic forks do you think it'll take to scrape a hole in the wall big enough for me to squeeze through?

04-27-2015, 09:33 PM


04-27-2015, 09:38 PM
but wait how can i give a bj with a muzzle on

04-27-2015, 10:26 PM
but wait how can i give a bj with a muzzle onwell I never said it was a good bj

04-27-2015, 11:02 PM
First fucking day and I get shanked? I do the shanking sirs! I am the shanker, not the shankee!

04-27-2015, 11:07 PM
How many plastic forks do you think it'll take to scrape a hole in the wall big enough for me to squeeze through?

Ol' Andy did it with less than twenty...

04-28-2015, 05:43 PM
Day 2


Aha, I get it Kalevala, cool story bro! It's funny because it's an internet joke! Anyway-


HOLY smurfING trout :omg:


I bloody well do have contraband in my desk! A roll of tape and a file! I didn't mention acquiring them on Day 1 because hey they're so inconsequential and will have no bearing on future events whatsoever! I am in some serious smurfing trouble. If they find these items in my desk I'm going to get them confiscated and stuffed in solitary for a while. I quickly scoop them up and shove them into my pockets.


Of course randomly sprinting out of rollcall and trying to slyly sneak back in is going to raise a lot of questions from the guards and I'm getting a lot of heat for not being where I'm supposed to be.


I've managed to get away with it though :phew: Officer Shauna delivers one of her customary pep talks and we all file off for some breakfast. I've earned it!


Oh wait no, hold up a second! You see that green flashing light above the door? That's a contraband detector. If I take one step into the canteen with my pockets loaded with such potent relics as duct tape and a file the sirens are going to sound and I'm going to have several cans of mace unloaded into my face.

Panicking, I turn away from breakfast and instead folornly roam the halls, hungry and desperate, doing my best to stay out of sight of any guards. If they see that I'm not where I'm supposed to be I'm going to be in trouble. I'm either going to trout myself or have a heart attack. Maybe both at the same time.


After whimpering and cowering like a child, I somehow make my way back to my sell undetected. Looks like Santa Screw has visited! My makeshift curtains have been torn down and my possessions have been rummaged through, but somehow they haven't noticed my remodeling efforts with the wall. I got lucky this time but another morning like this one is going to end with a nightstick lodged firmly into my rectum.


With all the heat I gained from ducking out of rollcall and skipping breakfast, I try to play it safe and be the model prisoner by reading books. Officer Matt seems impressed by my literacy at least :takeabow:


Let's rewind a second. You may be wondering where I got the duct tape and file from. I have no money or job, after all. I acquire all I need from rummaging through your desks while you're out in the yard or doing your nice cushy licence plate making jobs you suckers!


And you see what my treasure hunting has found in Bubba's room? I need protection. There are too many dangerous thugs out here who take great pleasure in pounding their fellow con's faces into the dirt. A skinny white boy like me is going to get passed around like currency.


And as if on cue, no sooner than I have made my deadly fighting tool that Aerith's Knight absolutely stomps Jowy into the dirt. Judging from the difference in damage he's clearly packing some serious firepower.


Posted without comment.


My crafting skills do not just finish with putting soap into a sock, no sir! I've also cut a page out of a magazine and combining it with duct tape have created... a poster! Kneel in awe. Why am I making posters? Well, the wall to my cell looks rather forked. If I have another cell inspection I'm done for, so I'm going to cover up the damage.


Yet another brawl breaks out, this time interrupting ToriJ's attempts to broaden his scope from being a video game critic to a food critic. Eugene slams Steve's head into a tray, splitting it open.


Officers Shauna and Scotty liberally pummel the two miscreants into the dirt. Which gives me an opportunity to borrow some items from them.


Thanks for the clothes, Steve! :jess:


The delightful scarlet drapes are back up and I've been sneaking off to my cell all day for a quick surreptitious scrape at the wall with my plethora of plastic forks, and I'm about to make the breakthrough.


And we're through! The poster is quickly used to cover up the gaping hole in the wall. I guess it must be a load bearing poster. Still, it is too late to do go scampering about in the gap between the walls for now, but I at least have a safe storage space where no guards can find.


Shauna delivers this message at evening rollcall. Does she know about my nocturnal activities...?


It matters not. No guards, no masters, no prison guards. I am a free man. Look at all the forks I've just dumped on the ground. Are those the actions of a person who conforms and obeys the system?

...that or I'm a petulant teenager staying up past bedtime to play CoD in defiance of my parents. Either/or.

04-28-2015, 05:55 PM

oh fuck you

Loony BoB
04-28-2015, 05:56 PM
That must be one really thick, double sided poster.

04-28-2015, 05:57 PM
I will find you, Spoon Baron. :colbert:

04-28-2015, 05:57 PM
What is the percentage next to the guard head mean?

04-28-2015, 06:20 PM
How pissed off the guards are with me!

04-28-2015, 07:28 PM
No shenningans or stabbings! Officer Freya is on the watch! We'll catch you!

04-28-2015, 07:36 PM
Chop chop Psychotic! Which officer said that? That one really wants to chop you up. That officer might be the psychotic one.

Aerith's Knight
04-28-2015, 09:26 PM
Jowy had it coming. He took my plastic spoon.

04-28-2015, 11:15 PM

Yet another brawl breaks out, this time interrupting ToriJ's attempts to broaden his scope from being a video game critic to a food critic.

It's like this game just knows.

04-29-2015, 03:06 PM
Give me my sock and soap back you thieving scoundrel!

I'm currently sat depressed in my cell with a cold right foot and smelling of s***

04-29-2015, 11:14 PM
I can't help being an extremely well dressed man Paul. You go ahead and "borrow" those clothes. I've plenty more where they come from. That or I'll spend the rest of this LP walking around nude and y'all know you've seen the schlong of a GOD!

Aerith's Knight
04-30-2015, 06:08 PM
That or I'll spend the rest of this LP walking around nude and y'all know you've seen the schlong of a GOD!

You wrote dog wrong. It's okay, anyone can have dyslexia.

04-30-2015, 07:35 PM
I'm funny and everyone likes me.

04-30-2015, 07:56 PM
Day 3


After yesterday's clustersmurf I need to get rid of some of this contraband. Luckily I have a couple of willing suckers who are all too eager to take it off my hands. Quite what they want these items for I don't know and I don't intend to find out.


Shauna's friendly morning greeting actually translates to "put your hand up for a baton to the face". Not falling for it this time!


Oh no! Martin! :ohdear:


Bubba, hopping around with one of his feet turning blue, is now doing a side line in selling stepladders. I... okay? :confused: Good luck with that one mate. Hope your new business venture works out.


Anyway, enough tomfoolery. Nobody ever says tomfoolery enough these days. Oh. Wait. Sorry. Yes. I'm actually going to make some progress on my escape today. Remember when I undressed Steve? That wasn't for my perverted desires, no sir! Well, not entirely. His outfit combined with the bleach I got from my Janitor job makes white Infirmary Overalls. Nice disguise, right?


Not quite! With some inks I stole from Jinx (:jess:) I can turn it into... a guard uniform! Don't you just love it when a plan comes together?


Speaking of Jinx, here comes an interesting offer. What do you think? Should I do it?


If there's anyone AK should've asked it would be Eugene. The guy is an absolute psycho. Breakfast? Start a fight. Free time? Start a fight. Showers? Oh you better god damn believe Eugene is going to start a fight. The only thing he's Euphoric about is knocking someone's teeth out.


As you can see, the favour requests are piling in thick and fast. My personal favourite is Levian's request for a paper clip. He just wants to keep his papers together. D'aww. :3: Either way, I'm going to have to get a lot tougher to do some of this stuff. The sock mace I made from Bubba's leftovers just isn't going to cut it.


Posted without comment.


Shopping at the Jinx's Desk Store again. It's like Wal*Mart without the desperation. And would you know, she has just what I need in stock and it's on discount.


As I step out of her cell I see Kalevala pummeling the snot out of ToriJ. Excellent. I mean, not just for entertainment purposes, but also because I am able to loot some timber off his unconscious body. Everything's coming up Milhouse :cool:


When I was busy getting pumped up in the gym, Aerith's Knight walks in and announces the following. Smooth.


Night falls and now my watch begins. With the wire from Jinx and timber from ToriJ I'm able to combine them to make the best god damn weapon in the game. trout just got kicked up a notch, ladies and gentlemen.


My secret stash grows ever larger and my escape draws ever closer.

04-30-2015, 07:59 PM
Aw at least I still have one cat :(

Shauna seems like Alpha Guard

04-30-2015, 08:06 PM
I bet the file was System32, ha, get it? Because I'm such a funny internet guy?

My beating of ToriJ does not bode well for our Newlywed Round.

04-30-2015, 08:07 PM
Well? Anyone want to pop your hand up?

04-30-2015, 08:08 PM
Not quite! With some inks I stole from Jinx (:jess:) I can turn it into... a guard uniform! Don't you just love it when a plan comes together?

Something, something, something, stinks.


Speaking of Jinx, here comes an interesting offer. What do you think? Should I do it?

Haha, you wish you could, you lil bitch.


What can I say? Everyone loves the muzzle BJs.


Shopping at the Jinx's Desk Store again. It's like Wal*Mart without the desperation. And would you know, she has just what I need in stock and it's on discount.


Aerith's Knight
04-30-2015, 08:13 PM
Day 3


When I was busy getting pumped up in the gym, Aerith's Knight walks in and announces the following. Smooth.

Strangely, that sounds like something I'd say. Just like I said to yo momma when I robbed her.

04-30-2015, 08:23 PM
In my defence I don't deliberately steal from you Jinx, but you, ToriJ and Bubba are in this convenient line of cells in Moogle Wing that's just the quickest to get to from where I usually hang out.

04-30-2015, 09:09 PM
This is amusing. The yo momma joke cracked me up. MORE

04-30-2015, 10:13 PM

Bubba, hopping around with one of his feet turning blue, is now doing a side line in selling stepladders. I... okay? :confused: Good luck with that one mate. Hope your new business venture works out.

You know, I posted in the irony thread that I still don't really understand what irony is.

At the minute IRL, I am in need of a stepladder to strip the remaining wallpaper from the top of my stairwell. In The Escapists, my character is selling stepladders.


04-30-2015, 10:16 PM
Proof that The Escapists is actually an alternate dimension

04-30-2015, 11:28 PM
Okay, this game is starting to freak me out. I just added Jinx on Facebook and had interactions with Kalevala in the Newly Weds thread.

This game is alive and it's learning, Psych! You have to destroy it before it's too late!

05-01-2015, 09:43 PM
Day 4


It's that time again.


So it turns out I didn't hit save when I changed the name of Old Manus and he's stuck with the default name of Sang. I had hoped to go the whole Let's Play without showing him and just pretending all was fine but damnit it's just not, okay? :(

Anyway, the screenshot is shown not for Sang, but for Jinx. Why?


Yet another swift visit to her cell, for by now I could find it in the dark. Only this time, I'm not taking, I'm giving. A nice shiny sock mace fresh from Bubba's foot. Goodness, imagine the commotion that will occur when the guards search her cell and find this deadly weapon stashed away! :shobon:


And back in time to catch the tail end of Shauna's abusive tirade! Lovely!


...damn, look out Matt :erm:


Bubba is the latest victim of the Daily Euphoric Eugene Assault. Did I say daily? I meant hourly. That guy has a lot of rage. Meanwhile Pike's... wife... leaves her? So sayeth Dan while none other than Huxley sits next to him.


Speaking of Huxley, SNITCHES GET STITCHES :argh: God damn hate sni... oh god Lawrence no not you too :ohdear:


Anyway, Jinx. You may be wondering what the point of my Machiavellian plan to frame her was. Well, I don't have a job. She does. She can't very well do her job if she's thrown into solitary for having contraband in her possession, can she? When you play the Game of Prison, Jinxie Poo, you win or you get shanked :aimkiss:


You're god damn right I did. :cool: Officer Freya comes to drag her out of the woodworking shop. That should free up a vacancy for me and the $$$ will come a-rolling right back in!


Ooh! Aerith's Knight and Vivi22 having a spot of handbags! This should kill a few minutes! :excited: Oh wait, here come Officers Scotty and Matt to spoil the fun. Boo! Boo, I say!


And there you go, Vivi22 has a quest item all the way from Day 1 in his pockets. Slow and steady wins the race, Steve! You get back to your Women With Insects now my good fellow. Hey, wonder what Aerith's Knight has in his pockets!


Huh. :|

...you better believe I'm swiping that.


Speaking of Quests or Favours or Pointless Chores or whatever the game calls them, Bubba and Eugene have a couple for me. Bubba, buddy, let me tell you it's always time to sell stepladders. Still, I think I... borrowed... one from Jinx a while ago. :shifty: As for Eugene, well...


He wants me to cause a distraction during Exercise so he can shank someone. Huh. He never normally has a distraction and has to be pulled off by the guards. Well, alright, says I, and slug Officer Angus squarely in the jaw.




Haha! Suckers! They'll never chase me into the shOWERS OH smurf RUN WHAT THE HELL WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE GO GO GO OH GOD WHY wait a minute what do you mean "Deviant" what are you trying to say here :colbert:


RUN RUN RUN smurf GET OUT OF HERE OH MAN oh hi Bubba here's that watch you wanted. Hey, no problem man, hope you enjoy it OH HOLY smurfBALLS RUN JUST RUN THEY'RE GOING TO GRIND MY BONES INTO POWDER

05-01-2015, 09:52 PM
Why do my cats keep dying :G

Aerith's Knight
05-01-2015, 10:03 PM
That's my soul donut! Dangit Psy!

05-01-2015, 10:13 PM
Dang, poor Pumpkin's kitties are not having a good week!

You better believe there's going to be a full-out prison war between you and I, Pyschotic, you son-of-a-gun!

05-01-2015, 10:18 PM
run run run run run oh god xD

That's right Jinx, you get out of that woodworking shop!

05-01-2015, 10:20 PM
Sang is a beautiful name. What's the problem?

05-01-2015, 11:36 PM
Well you are a deviant

05-02-2015, 03:26 AM
Run, run, or you'll be well done!

05-02-2015, 06:43 AM
Better hand over your pudding.

05-02-2015, 08:19 AM
Alternative, less dangerous distractions other than punching a guard in the face:

- Punch an inmate in the face
- Punch yourself in the face
- Have a full-blown argument with a vending machine about killer bees
- Stand on a canteen table and sing the full version of American Pie
- Run round the prison at top speed loudly humming the WWF theme tune of the Ultimate Warrior
- Strip naked, tuck your willy between your legs and repeat "wanna smurf me?"

05-02-2015, 02:07 PM
Day 5


Having been in this godforsaken BoB designed nightmare for 5 days, I'm starting to get a hang of the routine. For example, this is Shauna's way of saying "Good morning sunshine. :flirt:"


And now down to the woodworking shop to start my new jo... wait a minute. What the smurf is Jinx doing here? This will not stand, man. :argh:


Alright, if the Littlefinger method doesn't work, you can bet your ass the Robert Baratheon method will. Have at you, foul fiend!


Officer Angus, drawn by the commotion, comes over to investigate. I see this and stop stabbing Jinx in the stomach with a piece of glass. She does not stop, and Angus does my dirty work for me.

I guess that is the Littlefinger method after all. :shobon:


Got wood, Jinx? Heh :smug: You certainly don't have clothes anymore.


I drag Jinx's unconscious naked body out to an isolated corner. ...uh, this is not what it looks like. She's so not my type :colbert:

I'm actually doing it so that in order to get back to work, she's going to have to walk a really long way back into the main cell block to get dressed and then walk all the way back to the woodworking shop. It'll take her far too long to do that and she will get fired.


Apparently she's not the only one facing that though. Wtf do you hate Pumpkin for? It was Officer Angus who whooped your ass, girl!


Despite the fact that I assaulted her with a shard of broken glass, got a prison guard to pummel her and stole all of her belongings, Jinx is willing to sell me a lot of chocolate. Which begs the question of where was she keeping th.... oh god... :barf:


All I do is win, win, win no matter what, got money on my mind I can never get enough and every time I step up in the woodshop everybody's hands go up



And now a little section of the show I call "Things fellow inmates randomly walked in, announced, and then walked out again while I exercised":


Is this an S&M thing? Note to self, investigate.


I know, right? Those guards! What absolute assholes! Because it was most certainly the guards that did it and not a crazy shaven headed fellow prisoner, no sir, not at all! ^^;


Bless. Little teeny tiny Steve. :3:


I'd like to see you make me, hot stuff. :flirt:


Keeping my eyes firmly south... on his stock and wares... AK has just what I've been looking for. A screwdriver! Do I have a lot of cabinets or easy pack furniture to assemble? Just you wait and see.


Time for some arts and crafts in the meantime though. What can I make with all that papier mache (superglue + toilet roll in case you're wondering) you may be asking? Oh, something good. ...actually no, it's not that exciting at all. Whatever. Let me have my mystery and suspense.


Speaking of mystery and suspense, I know the thread has been awash with speculation - Will Psychotic find that paperclip for Levian? What colour will the paperclip be? Will Levian's papers become too strewn and unruly for a paperclip to be of any use before he is able to acquire one?


Your questions and prayers are answered! Crisis averted! :phew:


My hoard of forbidden majesty is growing ever larger, and soon I will run out of space in the hole in the wall. I'm about to be going up in the world, though...

Aerith's Knight
05-02-2015, 07:14 PM
My eyes are up here, you pervert!

05-02-2015, 07:27 PM
Wow, Yeah you've got a lot of crap in there. But why escape when you can punch up other inmates? EH?

05-02-2015, 07:59 PM
I guess you could say her day was...




05-02-2015, 08:03 PM

05-02-2015, 08:18 PM
So far me as a guard has been dead cats and being hated

05-02-2015, 09:55 PM
Day 6


Short and sweet today. Shauna must have places to be.


Kalevala launched his own protest at breakfast, complaining that the cafeteria grub "tastes like soil". The incident was resolved when Officer Freya offered to let him taste real soil as she ground his face into the dirt. It briefly looked like he was considering it.


Hmm, interesting development! You may recall earlier in the week he offered me money to knock out Jinx, which I was unable to do yesterday after the screws intervened. Speaking of that confrontation with Jinx...


Guess who starts his brand new job today! :jess: I mean... uh... whatever. Gotta pay the bills somehow. And making chairs is a lot better than being a cruddy janitor let me tell you.


I am told I am a visitor and I don't have the faintest smurfing clue who this person is. I will recount the entire conversation verbatim.




Kalevala really has a bee in his bonnet today, straight up knocking out Huxley during afternoon exercise period. The guards eagerly set about breaking his ribs.


Searching his pockets reveals that he was armed with... a pillow? But... how the hell did he KO Huxley with just a freaking pillow? http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e373/photobucketamazingness/emot-psypop_zps6yiydwph.gif


Aerith's Knight, fan of flower girls and the NWA.


ToriJ, MD.


In the afternoon I went shopping at what is basically my local convenience store.


Why does she have two bars of soap and a mound of dirt in there? I... http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e373/photobucketamazingness/emot-psyboom_zpsb78aqokc.gif


Oh god smurfing damnit! I actually had plans to go out tonight! And now I have to stay in my cell because it's being searched. I am suitably grumpy at this news.


And look at all the horrendously illegal items I have to go hide up my butt too! And today was going so well.


This is becoming slightly ridiculous.

05-02-2015, 10:25 PM
Why does she have two bars of soap and a mound of dirt in there? I...

Oh, you'll find out soon enough.

05-02-2015, 10:47 PM
You'll want to take care of rashes right away or you'll end up with one for three years.

Aerith's Knight
05-02-2015, 11:54 PM


05-03-2015, 12:46 AM
Short and sweet today. Shauna must have places to be.

Look, it's been a long night, and it takes a long time to come up with these morning threat/zingers, okay!?

05-03-2015, 01:00 AM
The game really loves Shauna. She's gotten more screen time than any other prison guard.

05-03-2015, 09:42 AM
The game really loves Shauna. She's gotten more screen time than any other prison guard.They all seem to have different patrol routes and responsibilities. Shauna's seems to be leading rollcall. And by leading rollcall I mean berating the fuck out of every last inmate.

05-03-2015, 09:48 AM
Stop raiding my cell you petty thief!

Here I am making an honest living in the laundry and you are stealing all my stuff!

05-03-2015, 01:48 PM
Day 7


It's a very pertinent question when you think about it.


Bubba makes a play at breakfast, demanding Jinx provide him with her pudding at once. How will it go down?!


Apparently she backed down and gave it to him! Of course, perhaps the real question here is why pudding is a breakfast food, epecially in a god damn prison.


ToriJ is the latest person to incur the mealtime wrath of Eugene. I honestly don't know what is up with Eugene but he genuinely has a true and unrelenting hatred of every single person in this prison. The amount of times he gets knocked unconscious can't be healthy. Come to think of it it's probably the cause of his permanent rage state.


This screenshot got cut off. Bonus game: Guess what Officer Shiny deleted of Levian's!


I can't begin to tell you how long I've been looking for a cup. Yes, really. Thanks Vivi22 for your kind contribution to the Psychotic Escape Fund! Certain lousy people whose cells I usually rob don't seem to have cups :colbert: Just bad manners.


Apparently there's something about Sir Lancealot's body that doesn't quite meet Denmark's lofty standards.


Indeed Steve. Indeed.


I think I might go to the library this evening. You know, get my read on, just as long as I don't have to read Jane Eyr- OWWWW MY SKULL WHAT THE HELL

Jinx has ambushed me! Is this revenge for me causing her to lose her job? Is it vengeance for me having her beaten up by guards? Is this retribution for robbing her cell every day? I bust out my nunchucks. As you can see from the fact that I'm doing 8 damage to her and she's doing 4 to me it's not going particularly well for her.


Oh right, I forgot I was going to be paid money to do kick her ass. :shobon: Hey, I got there in the end. And for a whole $15, prison moonshine is on me tonight boys!


Or not, because I have plans for this evening. Well, I had plans for yesterday evening but they were interrupted by an impromptu cell search. Not tonight.


Using two pillows (Thanks for your contributions Bubba and Tori) and a bedsheet I'm able to make a fake bed dummy to make it look as though I'm sleeping soundly should any guard peer in. Looks just like me. Well, it looks just like me during my shiny amorphous red blob years. 2002-2004, in case you were wondering.


Step two is to move my desk across the cell. Sorry, I don't really have anything interesting or exciting to add to that. I moved some furniture! EXTREME!


The reason for the move was to position it under a vent, and clambering up onto the desk I can unscrew the grate. We're in business.


And now I have a lot of crafting to do. I reinforce my prisoner outfit using a sheet of metal (see Item #1 in my inventory) to form crude armour. And I told you I really needed a mug and this is why!


I didn't get a screenshot of me hanging around up there but yes, you can crawl around in the vents and I fully intend to use these in my escape attempt to get onto the roof. The slats will have to be sawn through, but for now they make a handy storage dump as my wall cavity was overflowing. Oh, and remember when I said I was making something with papier mache? That fake vent cover right there is what I made. Looks just like the real thing and doesn't have to be unscrewed.


Still, the vent is harder to access than the wall space and unlike the poster, the fake vent cover degrades in durability every time I used it. And so the items I really need to have close at hand tomorrow remain in the cavity. Tomorrow we're gonna have ourselves some chocolate rain.

...I say tomorrow, I crawl into bed at 7:33. Morning rollcall is at 8:00. Fuck me.

05-03-2015, 08:14 PM
Is it too late to join the party ? If not, I'd like to be part of the eoff jail stories.

Colonel Angus
05-03-2015, 09:45 PM
You're really lucky to still be alive after the trout you pulled, Psychotic. Next time, you won't be so lucky! :shakefist:

05-04-2015, 12:32 AM
I expect to be paid back in full for the pillow.


For starters, make sure he doesn't get a mint. His breath shall remain unfresh for all of eternity!

05-04-2015, 10:46 AM
Is it too late to join the party ? If not, I'd like to be part of the eoff jail stories.Afraid it is, sorry :shobon:

Day 8


Is it me or is she getting funnier? I decide to investigate this and chat up the guards at breakfast to see w


Seriously! I'm going to have to go to the infirmary to get these burns looked at!


Joke's on you, my wife is a vegan!


Well it's interesting you should say that, Scotty, because I most certainly do. I have my cup of molten chocolate back at my cell, and I'm going to go throw it in the face of one of the guards. Why? Well, it's just an average Thursday in prison really.


Wham! Right in the face of Officer Freya! Take that, Frey Frey!

...except it all goes horribly wrong. Not in the way you might think. Do you see those two blobs in my pocket? It's a wad of putty and a wad of molten plastic. See, if you grab a key from a guard, all hell breaks loose. The best you can hope for is a stint in solitary. So I have the tools right here to make a copy of the key Freya is carrying. But she isn't actually carrying her key. Is this a glitch or just bad luck? God damn it. :colbert: All those items wasted!


This disaster has really set me back and it could take days before I'm ready to strike again. Oh well, better start collecting supplies!


Warden lonny bob pays a rare visit to the prison with an oddly uplifting message. Yes, bob, you're right, there is hope for me to burn one of your guards again!


What the smurf is this trout? While I'm in my secret hidey hole, Officer Freya storms into my cell and rips down my hangings! Is she on the warpath after my attack earlier?


Stripping the coverings from other beds I hastily erect my curtains again. I'm not taking this trout from lackies of BoB.


Finally, a brawl that isn't Eugene! This time Dan sticks a plastic fork in Steve's eye before the guards quickly settle it with liberal lashings of batons.


Sure, I've got three different kinds. Which do you want? I've got this really nice coconut stuff and it's not as if I'm bald or anything.


My curtains have been ripped down again? This is becoming personal! Look, you can smurfing beat my head in all you want but you do not mess with a man's curtains! :argh:


Miraculously I've gathered all the ingredients for some more molten chocolate in just one day! I really can't believe it. Welp, we go again. Officer Quin is just about to walk by...


DIRECT HIT! ...except the key that he has is the same key that I already had a copy of. God. smurfing. Damnit. Can this day get any worse?


Well, yes, it can, because Officer Pumpkin watched me knock Quin out and is now in hot pursuit. Run away!


This is one of those rare times where I wish I was doing a video LP rather than screenshot. You can't really see it, but I'm running around and about with Pumpkin chasing me while Shauna tries to conduct rollcall.


The rest of the guards are now chasing me for not being in my cell at Lights Out. It's not like I have a smurfing choice. Wait, unless...


HA! Right into bed! Nighty nighty guards :jess: I should be safe from their beatings now, right?



05-04-2015, 11:00 AM
Wow, I might get a bad name (what with all my freedom), but at least I don't beat you up while you sleep! What cruelty.

05-04-2015, 11:11 AM
Police brutality! Police brutality!

05-04-2015, 11:58 AM
Officer Shauna is by far the best character in ANY game :lol:

05-04-2015, 05:59 PM
Days 9 and 10


Ah, sweet morning. Good job I got away from those guards by sleeping, right?


Oh. Right. It seems once again the trust I put into video game logic has been misplaced.


Several night sticks inserted into places where they weren't meant to be inserted later, I wake up battered and bloody in the infirmary. I'm pretty sure my spleen is not meant to be in my arm.


To add insult to injury, I am berated for being late for rollcall. I am late, of course, because I just got sent to the infirmary. Oh, and my cell is also to be searched which is just great. All of my highly legal trinkets are now stashed away safely, but the bastards will still rip my hangings off yet again.


Always amuses me when the random dialogue lines up like this. As it stands, I'll trade my soul for all the puddings. It already belongs to Warden lonny bob, after all.


For some reason Steve is hoarding dirty inmate uniforms. I like to think that he is soiling his clothes and is too ashamed to put them in the laundry and is hiding them. To add some context I have never once seen a dirty inmate outfit outside of the laundry job, so the fact that he is hiding two in his desk is of some note.


I bet he is, the dirty little lecher :jokey: ...oh, you mean he wants to shank me. Or maybe both.


Shauna on her back, eh? :jokey: That inspires me. As the evident ringleader of the guards, I suspect she has the key she wants. In other news, Jinx is attempting to become a count. :grover: The count smiley got removed a long time ago so this will have to do.


Seems to be rather a dental theme to today's requests. I can't really see the logic in providing a toothbrush shiv to a man who has openly stated he wants to stab me, but hey, at least it'll pay the medical bills, right?


Tomorrow, Shauna is going to get it. I think it's long overdue.


Shauna herself has other plans, mind you. Not beaten. Not put in solitary. Destroyed. She does not do things by halves does our Shauna.


Oh Levian, you so wacky :wacky:


There's been a notable change in the demeanour of lonny bob. He's a lot more positive of late. Certainly a lot better than misery guts Shauna. Speaking of, I owe her a hot chocolate...


...and she owes me a key. The key to all cells, specifically. I quickly make a copy and return it. This means I can slip in and out of my cell at lights out. Oh, it's all coming together, lonny bob. You can keep your prayers, no man needs divine intervention when he has my guile!


...oh. Officer scotty leads the charge after me. God damnit, why do they always have to catch me in the act of scalding their colleagues? Most inconsiderate. It's almost as if they're guarding this prison.


I manage to give all of them the slip other than Officer Pumpkin. See, the problem you have, Pumps, is that I have both the best armour and best weapon in the game, I've been pumping iron and I'm not afraid to fight. Oh. I guess that's more like four problems. Regardless, I no longer need to run and lay her out on her ass.


Shauna has recovered enough by night fall to be her usual charming self at roll call.


Pity I have no intention of heeding her words.

05-04-2015, 06:04 PM
I was keeping that armor for my son when he came of age so that he could go save the world like his predecessor in Ocarina of Time :(

05-04-2015, 06:11 PM
You should build your own! All you need is 80 INT, an outfit, metal and duct tape!

Also the end draws near. I said I'd be out in two weeks and I will be making one more update of Days 11-13. With the finale, I can either do it in video form or as text and screenshots as before. Which would you guys prefer? It will probably be just 5 minutes, regardless of success of failure.

I should point out I am only going to have one shot at this. If I fail and am captured or shot in the attempt, it'll be game over as far as I'm concerned. Theoretically I can always continue but I would lose all of the items I had gathered so I'll consider it a failure and stop playing. All or nothing.

05-04-2015, 06:12 PM
Keep doing text!

05-04-2015, 06:19 PM
Text works well!

05-04-2015, 06:20 PM

Keep it text. :}

05-04-2015, 06:27 PM
That's what you get for trying to steal my key I conveniently forgot! Fuck your curtains :colbert:

05-05-2015, 06:38 AM
That ToriJ guy should get more screen time. He's a natural born star!

I also think you should keep it text. Mainly because I'm lazy to watch most videos people share with me.

05-05-2015, 08:52 PM
Days 11 to 13


I wake up to find the guards already in my cell, ripping down my curtains. For smurf's sake! Officer Freya really knows how to hold a grudge.


I like the really specific plans that Shauna has here.

Couldn't have said it better myself. This was another one of those situations where the random dialogue matches up perfectly, this time courtesy of Aerith's Knight and Vivi22.


You don't say? Jinx with the insider info presumably gleaned from a Downton Abbey marathon.


While the man-liker's key is handy, it's not the one I want. Officer Scotty is who I strongly suspect have it. Screw hot chocolate, I don't have time to make an Insta-KO weapon. Time to do this the old fashioned way!


Unfortunately the disadvantage that nunchucks have is that guards can interrupt you before you're done.


And interrupt in force at that. I flee because I am a coward and like not taking my meals through a straw. I will bide my time until I can encounter Scotty in a one-on-one situation.


And what do you know, I don't have to wait very long at all! Must be my lucky day!


It really is! Scotty has the key I've been after all this time, and I quickly make a copy. This key will give me access to the roof from the vents. This is where I intend to make my escape from. But we are getting ahead of ourselves, there is still work to do.


Like gathering forks! I need all of them! Give the forks to me! I am the Lord of Forks!


This building right here houses the generator. See that fence next to me? You better god damn believe it's electrified. I need to disable the generator in order to cut through the fence. So I'm going to start to chip a hole in the wall to the generator room with the forks now to give me less to do when I escape.


I was slow on the screenshot so let me explain. A guard tower sniper immediately smurfing put a round in me the second I started to chip away at the wall, giving me a heart attack. Notice my health dropped from 31 to 13!

I take off running. I will have to come back at night when the snipers have less visibility.


I'm gonna miss this.


Aren't we all?


ToriJ always comes out with the best lines in the shower, the big weirdo. Kalevala isn't having any of it today.


What I need is something to dodge the censors. This, my fellow inmates, is a little something I like to call the contraband pouch. It degrades quickly but will let me get my keys through the sensors.


I made this a long time ago but we are finally going to see the debut of my snazzy guard uniform! The bed dummy also makes a reappearance.


Using the key I got from Shauna, I slip out. Check out the laundry! The sink! Ah, the forbidden wonders we never get to see.


No sniper this time :smug:


"Why yes hello fellow officer I am the new guy Officer... Brian... Oh, these forks? I'm, uh, removing the ah, hornet infestation from this wall. You probably want to stay away!"


Back inside before they know it!


Tonight's the night! I am going to need to dig under the walls once I'm through the fence so I have spoons in case I break my shovel and chocolate for energy.


Oh if only you knew...

05-05-2015, 10:15 PM
I really hope you don't make it out just so we get to see more Officer Shauna.

05-05-2015, 10:43 PM
Who told Jinx I was into men?! It's not true! Maybe? I WILL EXECUTE ALL!

05-06-2015, 01:14 AM
The ironic thing is I'm to take a shower today.


05-07-2015, 03:15 AM
The ironic thing is I'm to take a shower today.


Remember to keep your eyes north.

05-07-2015, 03:23 AM
The ironic thing is I'm to take a shower today.


Remember to keep your eyes north.

The North Remembers
Winter is Coming

05-07-2015, 09:51 PM
The End

The plan is simple:

Disguise as a cop and climb up through the unscrewed vent
Make my way through the ventilation system and up onto the roof
Dodge the spotlights on the roof and make it to the edge
Use a rope made out of tied together sheets and rappel down the wall
Make my way through the prison grounds to the generator room
Break through the generator room wall with a fork and switch off the generator
While the generator is off, use my home made clippers to cut through the electric fence before the power turns back on
Use a shovel to dig under the walls and make my escape

Did I say simple? Well, whoever said breaking out of Lonny Bob's nightmare sex dungeon was going to be easy?

Also it's Day 15 because I truly smurfed up and put the real vent cover back instead of the fake one, meaning I needed a screwdriver to open it up. Which is fine, I have two. ...except they were both in the smurfing vent at the time. So it took a couple of days before anyone was selling a new one. Yes, I am dumb xD

Remember, all or nothing. Escape or game over. No second chances.


Alright, this is definitely going to be the last one of these. So long, Shauna, I will miss your pure hatred.


Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment, would you capture it or would you just quote Eminem?


Right, time to blow this two bit popsicle stand! Loony BoB, there is no cage that can hold me!


Once more I slip on the blue Guard Uniform. Somehow it has pockets big enough to hold a shovel and a pick axe. Oh, and a chicken leg. Because, y'know. Chicken.


On top of the world! Or the prison roof. Same thing, really, when you think about it. The spotlight work is surprisingly sloppy and it's easy to slip past them.


Bungee! Alley oop! :excited: I mean look I know I'm just going off like one or two stories with a rope made of sheets but come on, this is action right here.


And he sticks the landing :cool:


smurf you looney bob, Freedom City USA here I come!


I think I'll be glad if I never see another plastic fork again.


Ha! Take that, random prison wall! Can't derail the escape train, baby! ...wait, what's that light coming this way?


Oh Officer Freya what a pleasure how nice it is to see you oh this gaping hole in the wall no don't mind that it's one of those optical illusion pieces of artwork that makes it look like there's a hole when really there's not see knock knock solid wall ha ha ha yes well you better get going I hear the rest of us totally real and legitimate guards are going to make Bubba fight ToriJ in the library and you wouldn't want to miss that no ma'am you're welcome for the tip me oh I'm not into fighting I just want to enjoy the wonders of this piece of art well you have a great evening now bye bye... forever

Smooth. As. Silk. :cool:


In and out quicker than a spambot baby!


Just like Jurassic Park! Without the dinosaurs, I guess. And Jeff Goldblum.


Nom nom nom time for donuts. Gotta get my power levels up if I'm going to make this dig, yo!


Through the fence! Just the wall to go now. This has been easy. A little too easy. It can't all go horribly tits up now, can it?


The shovel bites into the dirt hard. Looks like I won't need my back up emergency spoons. Which is a phrase I never normally get to say, because I frequently need my back up emergency spoons.


I'm going deeper underground! There's too much panic in this town.


Pockets full o' dirt. But that's okay, they're TARDIS pockets.


One more shovelful. Just one more. Here I come, world, you son of a bitch...


here I come!

05-07-2015, 10:01 PM
Well, I really do hope you enjoy eating that soil...

Aerith's Knight
05-07-2015, 11:25 PM
So that's how you get rid of the wall with a fork, and dirt with a spoon.. you eat them.

What is wrong with you? You belonged in that prison.

05-08-2015, 02:10 AM
I won't believe you're out until I see a "You win" screen or something. I just know if I celebrate the next screenshot will have you caught and being sent back to prison.

05-08-2015, 03:16 PM
I can safely confirm I did indeed win.

Thanks for reading and for all your comments throughout, everybody! I might do more short screenshot LPs in future with EoFFers if you enjoyed this so do keep an eye out!

05-08-2015, 03:18 PM
Yay good LP :D

05-08-2015, 03:32 PM
"I'm sorry Warden BoB, it looked like it was one of those optical illusion posters, I love those things. :("

05-08-2015, 05:09 PM
I can confirm that I killed ToriJ in the prison brawl and have had my sentence extended by 30 years.

Great LP, Psy!

05-08-2015, 05:45 PM
I can confirm that I killed ToriJ in the prison brawl and have had my sentence extended by 30 years.


05-11-2015, 08:22 PM
I was placed in to solitary confinement until the world forgot my face and so did I!

05-12-2015, 03:48 AM
Kalevala was eventually granted early release due to good behaviour. The report claimed one of his notable routine good deeds was "entertaining the guards and his fellow prisoners with plenty of internet jokes and 'may-mays'"