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Bubba
02-07-2016, 05:07 PM
66806

Welcome to the story of a fat Italian plumber with a moustache and a silly hat who takes on an army of lizards and turtles armed only with a decent jump and a severe drug habit. You couldn't make this s**t up. Well, actually you could because someone did... and made billions of pounds in the process. However, my story of an axe-wielding kangaroo called Kevin who hacks his way through hundreds of poachers in Out-Back for Revenge never gets a look-in. It just goes to show there is no accounting for taste.

Anyhoo, are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin...



66807

Mario materialises out of thin air and comes face-to-face with the most famous Goomba of all time. Famous for getting his arse kicked. Not that Mario needed to bother going anywhere as we've had no explanation about what is going on. We have no idea the princess has been captured. It's a nice day, he could have kicked back with a few beers and watched the game. But no, we sigh and partake in a spot of Goomba torture.


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A productive start. Like the majority of creatures in this world, or any other world for that matter, having an over-weight male jump on your head from a great height results in instant death. And people say there was no realism in gaming back in the eighties. Pfft!


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Again, just like in real life, jumping into bricks really hard with your head is always a good idea. Mario's mushroom fix is about to be sated. Unfortunately, mushrooms in this world have severe social anxiety and once sprouted, they will run away from people so as to avoid awkward conversations. This is all the more impressive when you consider they have no legs.



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Of course, when you come into contact with a mushroom in the Mushroom Kingdom, you immediately absorb it through your skin and double in size. I know what you're thinking, making spaghetti bolognese in this world must be a pain in the arse.



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Aah, the special hidden mushroom! If you can find them, these are far more preferable for your bolognese. Considering that one of these mushrooms lets you live your life over again, the health benefits are incredible. Take that, broccoli!



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With Mario so fond of special mushrooms, you won't be surprised to hear that he believes in Flower Power. A local horticulturalist actually sowed an entire field of these special flowers. Unfortunately, this flower gives you a perfect flower-destroying power. He decimated his entire crop with one badly placed fireball. He never drank again.



66813

Mario tried to ignore the fact that his hair had changed colour and took care of a couple more Goombas. His new white outfit he kind of liked. It's a shame they're such a bastard to clean, especially considering the ground will soon be littered with charred Goomba-corpses.



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Well, well, well. A new enemy. A weird turtle with a particularly unattractive face. This will surely be no match for a fully-powered Mario. The turtle's demise is watched on by a creepy-looking hill with three pairs of eyes.



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One of the drawbacks of living in the Mushroom Kingdom is that you must touch a flagpole every 6 or 7 minutes or you are instantly killed. If I was ruling the kingdom I would probably relax this law slightly. As you will notice, I need to get my Italian arse in gear. These overly-hyper bouncing stars will be just the ticket.



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Mario is particularly unhappy with this look. It's a good thing it isn't permanent. Taking advantage of the Goomba's incredible stupidity, he stands rooted to the spot and let's them walk straight to their doom. Then marvelling at his own incredible stupidity, realises the timer is still counting down fast. He hurries on.



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Already bored of his new super power, Mario reminisces about his first Goomba kill and dispatches the next one the same way. The glory of the kill is tempered only by an increase in music speed. He was 94 seconds from death and there was still some way to go.



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Puffing and wheezing, this exercise-challenged fatty drags his sorry arse towards the end of the first level. Two more kills and he'd be home free.



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Mario dawdles trying to find the perfect run-up. That being the case he was almost killed. By time. True, time will eventually kill all of us but let's not get too deep on only the first level.



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Mario's near-death dawdling ultimately pays off as he enjoys an additional 3000 points courtesy of an awesome fireworks display. A fitting celebration to end a great level of carnage and destruction.



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Mario prepares to enter the depths of the underground Mushroom Kingdom. Join us next time for more senseless murder for no apparent reason.

Galuf
02-07-2016, 06:20 PM
Ofcourse only Bubba would make Picture LP of mario :lol:

and makes it WORK
Goodjob

Ayen
02-07-2016, 07:02 PM
The competition for Best Let's Play is starting early this year.

Bubba
02-07-2016, 11:08 PM
66840

A stray fireball whilst falling into the level looks to be very fortuitous for our rotund hero. Mario takes this as a good sign. Especially when you consider he suffers from extreme claustrophobia. A swift journey to the other side will be the order of the day.


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Four coins and another fire flower, all within the first ten seconds underground. Mario was pleased. He and Luigi used to dig for treasure in their garden and never found a thing. Luigi's contribution was limited, he just sat and ate soil which might be how his stomach ulcers formed.



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COIN PARTAAAAY! Mario's coin total so far was quite startlingly bad. The need for a plumber in the Mushroom Kingdom was not as great as you might think. A successful rescue mission though might enable him to service the Princess' plumbing :jokey:



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Most players miss these coins. Mario is a clever bastard though and smugly stands here taking his time raking in the money. He may even pick off a few of Bowser's minions from here with a smug smile on his face.



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Wait, what? OK, your shell can clearly fit under that gap BUT YOUR SMURFING EYES CAN'T. They're in the fucking wall. Temporarily frozen by this remarkable turtle's ability to walk through walls, Mario gathers himself and...



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...decides he doesn't believe in magic.



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Oh my word, this is just a lesson in strategic brick-breaking. Mario lays out an ultra-sexy path for himself to pick all the goodies. He just needs to make a simple jump to the top platform on the next screen in order to pick up the level's extra life...



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Ahh... erm.



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I can still mak... s**t, no I can't.



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Mario then went on what the movie advertisements refer to as a 'roaring rampage of revenge.' He roared. And he rampaged. And he got bloody satisfaction.



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He killed a hell of a lot of weird creatures to get to this point, but the last one. The one he's heading to right now. When he arrives at his destination, he is gonna KILL BOWSER.

Chill Mario, it was only a missed extra life.



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Mario's rage was very short-lived due to a near-death experience. This was the exact moment a fully-formed complaint appeared in his head. A complaint to the Mushroom Kingdom Elevator Company as to why they make their elevators WITHOUT ANY SMURFING WALLS.



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After suffering a minor heart attack, Mario takes a moment. He was approached by red turtle and Mario was certain he saw a brief glimmer of concern in those amphibian eyes. Unfortunately, it was at the exact same time he threw a fireball in the turtle's face.



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Here we go! A solid jump leads our intrepid adventurer to the very top of the screen. As we all know, this can allow us to jump to level 4-1 cutting out nearly half of the entire game! WHOO HOO!!



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This ain't gonna win Best Let's Play at the Ciddies with that attitude though...



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Mario then finishes the level with a jump that had all the style and grace of a 14-year-old donkey with three legs. Instead of his usual 5000 point top-of-the-flag greatness, he achieved 400 point bottom-of-the-flag suckiness.

Tune in next time to see Mario attempt to suck off a Goomba in exchange for free passage through the level.

Karifean
02-08-2016, 03:23 PM
This is fucking hilarious. :jess:

Bubba
02-08-2016, 06:14 PM
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Hmmm... 4 lives isn't ideal but luckily I know the next level like the back of my hand. Cue much koopa-killing and money-grabbing shenanigans.



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Mario says a prayer for the unfortunate red-shelled turtle above. "You have patrolled your tree-top well. You have preserved those three coins will all the dignity and nobility that has come to be expected from your race." And then, without further ado...



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...he kicks the f***er to oblivion.



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No prayers are spoken for the disease-ridden Goombas though. This little prick was dispatched without a second thought.



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An over-zealous jump has left Mario a little annoyed. That one coin is left suspended, tempting him like one of those pretty Toads in short skirts that work in the Mushroom Kingdom Red Light District.



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"Come on" says the coin. "You know you want me."
"I can't resist you!" replies Mario
"There is a way you can have me, though it will ultimately result in your death" she said, seductively.
"Curse you, beautiful Siren!"



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Mario jumps dangerously from the nearby elevator loudly declaring his undying love before surely plummeting to his death on the other side of the low platform.



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Huh, well that was a bit of an anti-climax.



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Putting this whirlwind romance behind him, Mario soldiers on. Putting on a feat of platforming so bold and daring it would need to be seen to believed. Parkour porn.



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"And now for my final trick!" Mario announces grandly. "I will proceed to bounce off the flying turtle, straight onto the head of the Goomba then immediately launch a fireball at the red turtle waiting just behind!"



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Huh, that could have gone better.



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Instead of safely bypassing the dangerous flying turtle below, a sudden rage overcomes Mario. This is what Poker players describe as being 'on tilt' which means you've lost a big hand and you are suddenly prone to reckless decisions.



66901

Indeed.



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Immediatley following his first death, Mario returns to the scene of the crime. A more clinical, cautious approach was the order of the day now. He waited for the first red turtle to start heading back the way he came before making his move.



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A sumptuous bop on the head and he sends the helpless koopa careering to the right of the screen.



66904

Sexy. As. F***.



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Learning from his mistake a moment ago, Mario decides to leave the last turtle to his own devices. Cue singing *He bravely ran awaaay*. As my Dad used to say, "He who fights and runs away, can run away another day"



66906

No fireworks this time. I suppose that is fitting though after throwing his tiny Mario body at the face of a turtle.

Tune in next time where Mario opens up a swanky perfume shop in the bowels of Bowser's Castle.

Ayen
02-08-2016, 06:45 PM
I'm going to assume you're playing so badly for comedic effect.

Yes... comedic effect :shifty:

Bubba
02-08-2016, 06:58 PM
I'm going to assume you're playing so badly for comedic effect.

Yes... comedic effect :shifty:

Haha, no! It's difficult getting screenshots on the Wii U. It only gets worse in Bowser's Castle...

Ayen
02-08-2016, 07:00 PM
Wii U? You're forgiven. I can't imagine playing this game with the game pad.

Bubba
02-08-2016, 11:13 PM
66919

Mario has a passion for castles. He often visits them with friends discussing the architecture, decoration and themes. Judging by the lava pit in the entrance hall, the main theme seems to be 'death to all visitors'. How very twelfth century.


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Aaah, a challenge! Time to prove myself a worthy challenger to the owner of this fine establishment.


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A quick bump of the block and then up on top of it before...


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Ahh.


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Now suffering from a slightly bruised ego, Mario's second attempt at the challenge was a success. He waited a few seconds to admire the ocean-grey coloured brickwork. "Military grey would have been the better choice" he thought.


66924

Now this is smurfing ridiculous. I mean, what would you do if you had to get up in the middle of the night for a glass of milk? "Hang on. Did I remember to turn off the swinging fire... AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!"


66925

Brilliant. Put them on the smurfing floor as well. This is only a guess, but I reckon the staff turnover in this castle is incredibly high.


66926

This guy really doesn't like visitors. One can only assume that Bowser has lots of visits from Religious Representatives spreading the word of God. Asking him to repent his sins whilst simultaneously contributing money so the church can continue brainwashing vulnerable young people.

Surely just a sign would have sufficed.


66927

Ooh, secret blocks! That have entirely no purpose! Although it does allow Mario a chance to partake in the daredevil extreme sport... Jump Up At An Invisible Block At The Same Time A Fireball Passes And Try Not To Die. This is also known by it's acronym... Jubilee Santa Donut. Don't check that acronym. Trust me, it's right.


66928

Mario was once told something that stuck with him forever. "Every so often, you must take a leap of faith. Otherwise, you will never truly know how far you can go."

F***ing bible sellers. Maybe he should put a sign up too, Mario thought.


66929

Ahhh, the sweet headache of success!


66930

Mario was close now to his first sighting of Bowser! Or...one of the Bowsers. I had a very specific screenshot I wanted to achieve for this shot. Bowser mid-jump, a burst of fire flying just over Mario's head!


66931

I realised all too quickly that this was a very stupid idea.


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Mario was undeterred by this. He had suffered shrinkage in the past... as he said to the girl that day, he was tired and it was very cold.

Mario leaps to the poorly-designed elevator above Bowser's head. Seriously, what the hell would he use this for??


66933

Again, what were the castle architects thinking?

"And this, Bowser, is the main bedroom"
"The floor is interesting" noted Bowser.
"Yes" said the architect. "It's a retractable drawbridge over a pit of lava."
"Is that not a bit dangerous for a main bedroom?" asked Bowser.
"As long as you don't press that easily-pressable switch on the wall."


66934

Yes, I think we all know this s**t is gonna get old real quick.

Join us next time when Mario gets some worrying results from the sexual health clinic.

Ayen
02-09-2016, 01:44 AM
Oh sure blame the cold.

Slothy
02-09-2016, 01:46 AM
This is awesome, but I still want to see video of Bubba's godly Mario Bros. skills someday.

Bubba
02-11-2016, 03:27 PM
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With only two lives remaining, Mario decided to stop being crap and make World 2 a death-free world. Also, along with the upcoming hidden extra life, he has gonna hunt for coins with all the vigour of a hoard of drug-addict tramps.


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Mario, immediately forgetting about his death-free pledge, decides to race a mushroom with a Goomba. Mario sits and waits. Super Mario or death!


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Super Mario it is! A quick dispatch of two ugly-ass turtles and Mario settles under a seemingly blank space. Being a knowledgable rogue in the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario knows the whereabouts of every hidden item. A great start to World 2!


67024

Oh you f***ing bastard.


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To make matters worse, Mario suddenly finds himself trapped. Like a scene from the Bourne Identity (not one of the particularly exciting bits), he jumps on the turtle, fires him at a pipe, he ricochets back, Mario jumps out the way and watches all the enemies get taken out. Shell-shocked!

Sorry...


67026


Still suitably impressed every time a flower blooms from solid rock, Mario is finally back to full power.


67027

Another Daredevil game, this time of Grab The Star Before Landing On The Piranha Flower And Dying A Horrible Death. Also known as Gobble on Dad. The rules to this game have been misinterpreted many times over the years.


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After successfully taking the full load... of the Star's power that is, Mario inches closer to 100 coins and an extra life. Also, this mid-star black hat and dungarees combo was very dark and cool. It's-a-me, Mar-emo.


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Eeesh! From cool and moody black, to poisoned ging in a nano-second. Luckily, the discovery of a magic beanstalk is a welcome distraction from the multiple-wardrobe side-effect of the crazy-ass star.


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Mario had heard tales when he was younger of a magical city in the clouds that was home to thousands of beautiful nymphomnaiac ladies there to satisfy your every desire. As Mario climbed, let's just say that the magic beanstalk wasn't the only thing growing.


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Mario quickly pulled his trousers back up as he realised this was not what he was expecting. What a f***ing letdown.


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Making the best of a bad situation, Mario collects every one of the coins and earns himself an extra life. He had heard of these levels in the clouds too. Apparently, if you collect every coin you are given the greatest reward possible... a new series of Firefly.


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Oh you f***ing bastard.


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Resigning himself to just watching Serenity for the eighteenth time, Mario cheers himself up by adding further to his coin tally.


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A very smug-looking Mario here. Getting the jump right for this fire flower is very tricky indeed. He did in fact miss it with his head but luckily he was still thinking about the City of the Nymphomaniacs and the fire flower also rose to the occasion.


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More invisible block shenanigans as Mario prepares to finish the level on a high. There is a glitch here which enables you to clear the flagpole entirely and go past the end of the level.


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Mario is crap though and ruins my entire play through with one gimp-like jump.

Tune in next time for the underwater level! I'm playing the mod though where they adjusted the time-limit to a more believable 30 seconds and Mario turns blue and convulses when he dies.

Ayen
02-11-2016, 07:36 PM
http://home.eyesonff.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=67033&d=1455198727&thumb=1

YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!

Bubba
02-12-2016, 06:39 PM
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Mario starts the underwater level fully powered up. Now as we all know, fire is particularly effective when used underwater. Enemies beware!




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After having a particularly spicy pizza the night before, Mario's farts are deadly to any creature within 5 feet of him.




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Having an an extreme fear of green fish with big eyes, Mario decides the best tactic is to wait for them to pass by... then complain about how terrifyingly disgusting they are once they are out of earshot.




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Mario tires of using his fire power. He decides to hit them, and hit them hard with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign. As you can see, this was a terrible idea.




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As all men will attest, shrinkage is much more of an issue when submerged in cold water. Luckily for Mario, this actually made passage through the level much easier.




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Ooh Nintendo, tempting our greed! Picking up these coins seems like a simple enough task. However, this chasm of underwater nothingness has all the advanced suction power of Lindsay Lohan on crack.



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This causes no issues for our minuscule hero though and he now has a clear path to the final erm... sucky section.



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This is definitely doable... but it'll be a cold day in hell when Mario attempts to grab these coins amidst the presence of one of those little green f***ers.



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Mario grabs all the coins and then literally sh**s his pants as two more of the green monstrosities float into view. Luckily, the NES' power was so small that Nintendo weren't able to create tiny little turds thus sparing Mario's blushes.



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A close call to end the level but minuscule Mario survives to crap his pants another day.



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5000 points and six fireworks top of the level nicely for Mario. That is a decent consolation when you consider his lungs have flooded due to 245 seconds underwater.

Join us next time when Mario spends twenty minutes vomiting a combination of spicy pizza, blood and lots of water.

sharkythesharkdogg
02-12-2016, 07:23 PM
Came here for tiny turd talk.

Was not disappointed.

Ayen
02-12-2016, 11:08 PM
Underwater Hell. I hate this level so much.

Bubba
02-18-2016, 11:19 AM
67176

After some minor surgery, Mario is ready to tackle the short but extremely annoying bridge section. A level notorious for the ridiculously irritating flying cheep cheep's. You can see one of the little f***ers creeping into shot here.




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Stopping for screenshots on this level carries an increased level of risk. Cheep cheeps always have a look of shock on their face. The one on the left here has a look which is much more pronounced as he is only millimetres from Mario's arse. Unfortunately for Mario, death is clearly imminent.



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Huh, well I guess the collision detection on Mario isn't all its cracked up to be. After just that one scare so far Mario is slightly perturbed by the inaccuracy of these little bastards.



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Their aim improves slightly as Mario reaches the halfway point and the safety net of a mushroom. Apart from the constant aerial threat, this level is blander than Blandy McBlanderson. And his dog, Bland.



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A slight hint of greenery in the next section hints at an improvement in the excitement levels. What exotic wonderment would we find just one screen away??


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Absolutely bugger all. A small green bit and then back to bridge again. BUT WAIT! The gaps are smaller. Well played, Nintendo. Well played.



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Thankful this level was so short, Mario hurries on to the flag before his boredom levels cause total organ failure. The best bit about this level and the previous one, is that they're repeated again in World 7. Repeated EXACTLY THE SAME. I may just put up some recipes in the commentary at that point.



67183

Another 5000 points and another six fireworks. There seems little to celebrate though after such a tedious level. I will share my classic stuffed peppers recipe on world 7-3 for you all to enjoy.

Join us next time as Mario cosplays as Xena: Warrior Princess.

Bubba
02-19-2016, 09:36 AM
67220

Continuing his tour of the kingdom's castles, Mario was slightly disappointed with the repeated ocean-grey decor. However, despite the continued appearance of lava pits, Mario was happy to see no swinging fire rope of death. Maybe Bowser had become a bit more welcoming of visitors!


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Ahh, maybe not.


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Even with the added presence of lava fireballs, Mario still felt much more at home without swinging fire ropes to contend with. He was eager to push on as he had read in the Rough Guide to the Mushroom Kingdom, that this castle had a fine selection of tapestries.


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This was not particularly positive. Mario's hopes of stopping for a blueberry muffin and a latte at the castle cafe were looking increasingly unlikely.


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Ahh, elevators! It looks like this castle has multiple floors. Mario contemplated either visiting the castle dungeons or checking out the view from one of the castle towers. Which should he choose?! Having brought his camera, tower views of the Mushroom Kingdom were just too enticing.


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After four attempts at visiting the tower and continuously dropping to the lower elevator, Mario grew suspicious. He moved on to the descending elevators.


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After a sudden wave of paranoia, he decided that a trip to the dungeon would not be a wise move at this point. Coins were always welcome, however Mario was still keen to see a suit of armour or maybe a portrait or two? Maybe a bit further on.


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Well this isn't promising. Mario was beginning to wonder whether this was even a castle at all and whether the game designers just couldn't be bothered drawing a background on this level.


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Tapestries now well out of the forefront of his mind, Mario decides to get through this level as quickly as he could. A one-star review on Tripadvisor was already forming in his head.


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"Came here for the first time and hated it. Decor was bland, service and hospitality were probably the worst I've experienced" Mario nanchalantly dispatched Bowser with his fireballs whilst dictating his review. Who said men can't multitask?


67230

Well whoever it was they were absolutely damn right.

After taking a blast of fire to the face, Mario once again removed the floor to Bowser's bedroom to send him to his doom. Wondering if all the Bowsers had missed this gaping design flaw, he pushes on to the exit.


67231

This little toad person was very happy to see me. Look at him with his big smile and arms raised. Clearly he was a fun-guy!! Thanks folks, I'm here all week.

Join us next time when Mario buys a new set of dungarees but then discovers they're too small and takes them back for a refund.

sharkythesharkdogg
02-19-2016, 02:05 PM
Ugh, it's people like you that give struggling BnB's and other touristy spots a bad name!

You went to the wrong castle, Mario. This one specializes in giving clients a chance to have a therapeutic soak in the natural hot springs. Make sure to enjoy the A class spa treatment, including a massage from the lord of the castle (the large green fellow), and an exfoliating scrub made from the natural pumice found right there on site!

Tripadvisor, 4 stars.