Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures [Archive] - Page 3

Bubba

01-30-2017, 03:29 PM

Palaven

So... looking round the galaxy map is pretty depressing. Most of the systems are being attacked by reapers. Not cool. As I have no fear, I decided to jump to these systems first. I was able to scan a few planets to pick up some war assets before... SH*TE!! The reapers found me and were chasing me around the system! I just about managed to evade them and decided not to visit that system for a while.

I scanned quite a lot of the available systems before finally heading to Garrus' home planet of Palaven. Before we even landed though we were being targeted by those pesky husks. I took a couple out before we even touched down because I am a f***ing legend. We jump out then deal with the rest. I've actually been utilising the shotgun for these guys and I'm quite enjoying it! I think I've used all my gun types fairly equally on ME3 so far.

We head for the Turian base and they kindly open the front door for us. Holy Treasure Trove, Batman! I must have picked up about 10-15 items in this compound. Cheers bros! He have a chat with General Corinthians and unfortunately, the dude we're here to extract is deader than a Saturday night in Salt Lake City. We'll have to pick up the next Turian in the chain of command.

General Corinthians says we won't be able to contact our man until the comms tower nearby is fixed. Mate, I can fix anything! Except maybe the United States after the next four years. We leave the compound and make our way to the tower. The Turians haven't been able to get near it as it's swarming with husks. The annoying twats were no match for my shotgun though. We cleared a path to the tower.

I now had to choose either Liara or James to climb the tower and fix the problem. I weighed up the pros and cons for them both and eventually decided... that Liara's arse would look great climbing a ladder. Lots and lots of husks decided to greet me and James with a bite to the face. We made reasonably quick work and Liara had successfully fixed the comms tower!

We return to camp and YES! My main man Garrus is there looking and sounding awesome. He took the place of Liara who headed back to the Normandy as Joker was having problems with EDI. Oh well, at least she'll (hopefully) be safe.

Time to partake in some senseless violence! We leave the compound again and encounter a new enemy. Marauders! They had pesky shields but two sniper shots were enough to take the bastards down. There were husks here as well but they were easy pickings for a highly-trained spectre like me.

Back in the compound and we're directed to a huge turret on the upper level. This thing was cool but it was slow as hell to move around. That being the case, I allowed a sh*tload of husks to climb onto the compound. I still managed to get rid of them all but yeah... it wasn't the greatest defence of a base.

Crapola. Shepard falls from the top of the compound and has to face something called a Brute. This thing is deadly. And when I say deadly I mean deadly. It killed me. One swipe from this dude and that's your shield gone for a burton. He actually got me trapped up against a rock and I couldn't move. Deaded. We took him out eventually with the help of a few grenades and an overload. Take that, sucker!

We push on to try and find this General Victus. On route, Garrus tells us all about his home world in that sexy voice of his. We eventually reach the General and he agrees to come with us. It clearly was not going to be that straight-forward though as we had one final hellish battle to get through!

This. Was. Horrible. I think I died a total of five times during this onslaught. There were three of those bastard brutes along with Cannibals and Marauders. I employed the sensible tactic of hiding behind a rock but it still didn't make a huge amount of difference. My team mates were suffering too and I had to revive them a few times. Eventually, after using grenades, overload and Garrus' proximity mines, we finally cleared the field and triggered the end cut scene. Phew!

The mission yielded a decent amount of credits and I intended to go and chat with my two new additions. Unfortunately, time got the better of me and I had to leave it there for the evening.

Tune in next time when Shepard issues James with a certificate commemorating the first recital of his five times tables.

Freya

01-30-2017, 04:33 PM

Brutes! Yeah those suckers are mean. Best to keep your distance and pew pew them from afar! KEEP MOVING!

theundeadhero

01-30-2017, 06:15 PM

More than ever your abilities mean something against enemies with barriers, armor, and shields. They're far more useful than gun type, but sniper rifles are super effective against armor. I try to have a least one person on the team with incinerate and overload. Garrus' grenade launcher is useful against groups too, like husks.

Fox

01-31-2017, 12:18 AM

There are only two abilities you need to know about: Charge and Nova. I forget which class you are but if you're a Vanguard then Charge + Nova = mega win.

I don't even care if it's not the most effective it is so god damn fun.

Formalhaut

01-31-2017, 12:35 AM

Brutes are deadly, intimidating and bloody scary. They are one of the enemies in this game that have dreaded insta-kill abilities, though their regular attacks are bad enough.

Best thing is to keep distance. As a sniper, that's easy enough, but they're really annoying as a Vanguard. If it charges, rush to the sides using combat rolls and the like to stay out of its attack range.

Bubba

01-31-2017, 12:32 PM

Quick update!

There was a bit of a problem with the Normandy straight after the Palaven mission. EDI had gone offline! This was clearly a serious problem. I didn't mention this earlier but Dr Eva's body (being a secret cyborg-type thing) was brought on board the Normandy for analysis. Anyhoo, EDI (the cheeky mare) has actually taken control of Dr Eva's robot body. Cool!

Once everything was back to normal, I decided to check my emails and there were a s**tload of messages all from the Citadel. OK game, I take the hint. Back to the Citadel we go!

There were some cool looking new sections open to me on this visit. I spent a good hour or so walking round talking to everyone. I must have picked up about 50 little side quests so I've clearly got my work cut out for me!

One of the emails I got was from Aria who was waiting for me over at the Purgatory nightclub. She loves these places, doesn't she? Why not try somewhere a bit more chilled? Have a coffee, read a book... broaden your horizons, love! It seems she's been forced off Omega by Cerberus. We have a chat about the different groups of mercenaries and how it would be worth uniting them in the fight against the reapers. I like your style! I triggered three separate side quests for the Blood Pack, the Blue Suns and the Eclipse. Ooooh, I like it!

I listened to a load of conversations and picked up a tonne more. I don't want to advance the story too much, too early so I'm gonna tackle as many sideys as I can at the minute.

Will there be things I miss if I advance the story too far? Have I missed anything already?

Freya

01-31-2017, 02:36 PM

YOU NEED TO DO EDEN PRIME

Formalhaut

01-31-2017, 03:07 PM

After Palaven, assuming you have the Eden Prime DLC, you need to do Eden Prime. If you don't have it, you should probably get it.

Otherwise, do whatever sidequests you want. There's plenty of 'small' sidequests that are literally fetch quests in this game, so they can be done rather quickly.

Bubba

01-31-2017, 03:22 PM

Is it called something else? I can't find any DLC called Eden Prime.

Formalhaut

01-31-2017, 03:25 PM

Technically it is called 'From Ashes'. The mission is called Priority: Eden Prime.

Bubba

01-31-2017, 03:29 PM

Ahhh OK, I think I already have it. I'll check, cheers!

Freya

01-31-2017, 04:25 PM

Technically i think you can do it whenever but the earlier the better :3

Take Liara with you, her biotics will be good for the mission.

Slothy

02-01-2017, 12:00 AM

Yes, straight up get your ass to Eden Prime.

Skyblade

02-01-2017, 06:13 AM

Technically i think you can do it whenever but the earlier the better :3

Take Liara with you, her biotics will be good for the mission.

I agree with this: Do it early, and take Liara.

Bubba

02-02-2017, 11:53 AM

YOU NEED TO DO EDEN PRIME

After Palaven, assuming you have the Eden Prime DLC, you need to do Eden Prime.

Yes, straight up get your ass to Eden Prime.

Do it early, and take Liara.

Yeah, this isn't happening. Neither is the Citadel DLC.

I have no idea what I'm doing wrong but I can't access it on the game. I've bought both of these from the PS Store, downloaded and installed both. When I load the game up they aren't there on the "Downloadable Content" option. I tried downloading them again direct from this screen and they still don't show up.

I've had a look in-game to see if they've popped up as available missions and no joy :(

Skyblade

02-02-2017, 12:09 PM

Bubba

02-02-2017, 12:13 PM

No worries, I was just about to do N7: Cerberus Labs which looks like a sidequest. I'll crack on with it tonight.

Freya

02-02-2017, 01:51 PM

It pops up in game after receiving a message on your terminal. It should be available after you have free mission rain after the citadel.

Bubba

02-02-2017, 01:54 PM

It pops up in game after receiving a message on your terminal. It should be available after you have free mission rain after the citadel.

Which is free mission rain? Is it called something else?

Freya

02-02-2017, 02:03 PM

Bubba

02-02-2017, 02:08 PM

Sorry should have been rein, not rain. Wrong word! My bad. When you can pick where you're going is what inmeant. I looked it up on the wiki

Acquisition

Prerequisite: Mass Effect 3: From Ashes
Prerequisite: Priority: The Citadel I
This mission is acquired by downloading the Mass Effect 3: From Ashes DLC and accessing your personal terminal. It is immediately available upon gaining free rein of destinations in the Normandy SR-2 after departing the Citadel.

Priority Mission: Eden Prime

That's just it. I've downloaded and installed both and accessed my personal terminal and it still isn't there. It's not available on my journal either or the galaxy map. I've already departed the Citadel and have free rein of destinations.

I guess I'll just try and complete a mission and see if it pops up after that.

Formalhaut

02-02-2017, 03:27 PM

So you can't access it? Hmmmmmmmmm. I've never had that happen to me. Ever.

Maybe... uninstall and reinstall the DLC? I mean, you've paid for it, so it isn't like you'll have to pay for it twice.

Bubba

02-02-2017, 04:27 PM

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that it's something I've f**ked-up myself. I just need to figure it out.

Skyblade

02-02-2017, 06:44 PM

You haven't gotten any email messages from random NPCs about it? Hmm... That sucks. :( That mission is awesome.

Honestly, I'd try backing up the save and reinstalling the game, if you don't think it would take too long.

Slothy

02-03-2017, 03:11 AM

No need to back up the save actually since save files are stored separately from game data and aren't deleted when you delete the install files. But I'd say try reinstalling it all as well. A quick google search told me others had DLC problems but I didn't find anything similar to what you're describing.

Formalhaut

02-05-2017, 06:07 PM

Any luck Bubba?

Bubba

02-05-2017, 06:51 PM

Unfortunately not :(

If one of you can pop over and have a look for me I'd really appreciate it.

Completed an N7 mission though. Update coming!

Slothy

02-05-2017, 09:25 PM

I'd love to pop over if you can buy me the roundtrip ticket. :exdee:

Bubba

02-12-2017, 05:26 PM

Man, my interest to keep playing has dropped since I'm too stupid to figure out what I'm doing wrong with the DLC. I'm already annoyed that there'll be no Mordin.

I should really push on anyway I just hate missing stuff :(

theundeadhero

02-12-2017, 09:25 PM

You're still at the beginning. Take an hour and load your last ME2 save up to beat it with everyone alive. Then, import that save, and you can play through ME3 without the DLC until the very end, which will give you some extra time to figure it out.

theundeadhero

02-13-2017, 06:43 PM

Also, after doing some googling, it may be version differences. Since the PS3 isn't region locked, you could have a US copy of the trilogy but downloaded UK copies of the DLC. Maybe try downloading the DLC from playstation America?

Bubba

02-27-2017, 04:30 PM

OK, so after the disappointment of not being able to work out the DLC, Shepard decided to treat his crew to a little R&R... for most of February. Hopefully, the reapers won't have destroyed everything while we've been away.

I completed a reasonably straight forward N7 mission called Cerberus Labs. There were a few tricky fire fights but other than that, not a lot happened. I just dropped some reaper artifacts off at the shuttle whilst also dropping a load of scumbags. It was over relatively quickly. After this we dove straight into another lengthy side quest mission called...

Grisson Academy: Emergency Evacuation

"I believe the children are the future
Teach them well and LET THEM LEAD THE WAY!!"

Garrus' rendition of Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston was cut short by Shepard upon entry to the Grissom Academy. We get it, G-Dog, we're here to save the students.

The classic ME1 team of Shepard, Garrus and Liara are immediately thrust into the action and take out a few goons in the opening corridor. We head into a nearby room and have a chat with an attractive human lady with crazy blue eyes. It turns out those pesky Cerberus jokers are here and are a threat to our students *shakes fist angrily at imaginary Illusive Man*. This lady (Kahlee Sanders) mentions our pal Anderson and asks us to give him a cryptic message. Ooh David you sly, old dog! I get that he's risen quite high through the ranks but he's definitely punching above his weight here!

Kahlee opens the way forward and tells us we need to head to Orion Hall where the students are congregating. We soon come across a student being harassed by a couple of Cerberus pricks. He's cleverly encased himself in a shield so I quickly dispatch the threat and have a chat with him. He tells me to keep an eye out for his sister. I'm a taken man mate but all righty.

More Cerberus dudes make the mistake of crossing our path. Bang bang. You're dead. We get a load of pick-ups before eventually running into that student's sister who was just sat on the floor. I make sure she's OK then explain to her that just because she is in mortal danger, it does not give her excuse to just sit around doing bog all. I also tell her there will be no homework extension as a result of this attack so she better get her arse in gear for the rest of the term.

Finally we arrive at Orion Hall and catch up with students along with... OH SH*T OH SH*T OH SH*T

Shepard faces his most fearsome foe yet... THE EX-GIRLFRIEND. He immediately takes the most obvious course of action...

71780

Hide and hope she goes away.

This option was taken from us though as a huge mech enters the hall and starts some sh*t. We help Jack and the students take the big boy down which was easier said than done. My pistols did bog all so I ended up getting up-close-and-personal with my trusty shotgun. Dangerous but effective. We emerge victorious.

The next cut-scene was the most awkward I've ever experienced in all my years of playing video games. The game obviously remembered my hook-up with Jack at the end of ME2 and we both run towards each other and have a full on snog... right in front of Liara. AWKWARD.

After tonguing another woman in front of my girlfriend, I'm then given the option to continue things with Jack or tell her we're over. The actual noise I made whilst playing this section was a long, drawn-out "uuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!" I was hoping I could've done this by text or something but I eventually told her straight that things were over between us. I was expecting to get a full-on punch in the gob but she took it surprisingly well. Now I just need to hope Liara is OK with me. I suppose I'll find out later. Curse me and my philandering ways!

It turns out Jack is actually a teacher here at the academy and is a big fan of the 'tough love' approach. So yeah, she tells them all they are sh*t and need to do better. Harsh.

Next we arrive at the Atrium which is pretty expansive. I told Jack and the students to head to the upper level for their protection. Shepard, Garrus and Liara stepped out into the sh*tstorm that was a massive onslaught. I was here for aaaaaaaages as I had real problems taking out these turrets. I'd destroy one then an engineer would run over and repair it. Bastards!

We eventually won-out but at the expense of numerous deaths for all three of my team. Oh well. We find a group of students in the next room in another protective bubble. They don't trust us in the slightest but one of the men pipes up and says "Commander Shepard... is it really you? I still remember that thing you did for me in the last game. I will be forever grateful." I stare blankly at this guy as I don't remember him in the slightest. "Sure thing...man. Any time."

Continuing our escape, we happen upon a huge mech and his dumb-ass pilot stood just next to it. We take him out and BOOM! Time to wreck the place with our very own mech! It was a bit cumbersome to use but I suppose that is to be expected. It was very enjoyable bonking goons on the head and blowing them up from afar with missiles. These Cerberus troopers seemed to spawn forever and I was getting a bit twitchy as the students I was protecting had a health bar that was gradually diminishing. Me being the legendary hero that I am though, I mopped up the scum and saved the day!

One of the dumber students got herself pinned down in the closing cut-scene but Jack stepped up with her bad-assery and sent the remaining Cerberus tw*ts flying to enable us to make our escape. Mission over!

Tune in next time when Shepard takes a vow of celibacy in order to avoid any future awkward situations.

Freya

02-27-2017, 08:49 PM

Oh man, how awkward, ick!

theundeadhero

02-28-2017, 12:16 AM

Perhaps its best not to date Liara at all to avoid these awkward situations? Nah, there's no one better to date in ME1. You just have to be heartless in two.

Glad you're back.

Bubba

03-10-2017, 11:20 AM

Priority Sur'Kesh

In my infinite wisdom, I decided to play through this mission after a few drinks... and continued to drink throughout. My recollections may be a tad hazy though I will give details of my appalling combat performances.

The mission begins in the Normandy briefing room and involved a tense tete-a-tentacle between the Krogan and the Salarians. Tyrannosaurus Wrex (ma boy!) and some tetchy Salarian wench were going at it. Due to my intoxication, the details of the argument were a little lost on me. I'm going to assume it was an argument about the ol' genophage. "Whatever people, LET'S GO KILL THINGS!!"

My drunk self decided to opt for double-boobage in this mission and I went with Liara and EDI. We land on the Salarian planet of Sur'Kesh and are greeted with all the warmth of a white walker in winter. Luckily, a friendly Salarian called Padok stepped forward and calmed the hostilities. I couldn't help but think at this point that I may have alternately been met by a coked-up Salarian scientist if I'd not let him be brutally murdered in ME 2. This thought hit home hard so Shepard took out his acoustic guitar and treated Sur'Kesh to a heart-felt and completely off-key version of The Scientist by Coldplay.

Suitably horrified by this performance, the Salarian guards allowed us access to the compound out of pure fear. In true Shepard-crew style, we were there for all of three minutes before there was a huge explosion and goons appeared out of nowhere. Cerberus had arrived to start some sh*t. After more than a few glasses of Jack Daniels, my aim was true... truly sh*te. Clocking 2 hits out of 10 with my sniper, I decided to equip my shotgun and get up close and personal. We eventually cleared the area.

We are introduced to Alice, the female Krogan. I'm just gonna call her Alice. She's been locked up for own protection (I think!) and it was our task to protect her whilst simultaneously shipping her off Sur'Kesh. My summation of the mission could be a little iffy here... My skills with the sniper rifle could clearly not be trusted at this point so I decided to stick to the shotgun. I was pleasantly surprised by my effectiveness here. I did take quite a bit of damage but I took out the Cerberus posse with very little damage to Alice. Go me!

Oh how I hate turrets and engineers... it has to be said though, they are very efficient at their jobs. When our printer breaks down at work, it takes five days to get an engineer out. When turrets break down, these guys are there within seconds and are braving heavy gunfire. I sincerely hope they are getting hazard pay on top of their basic hourly rate.

Next we had to deal with more of those shield-toting Cerberus dudes that you can shoot through the small slit in the shield. OK, time to sober up and snipe these dudes from afar. Yeah, that didn't happen and eventually EDI and Liara dealt with the threat. Shepard might as well have been throwing potatoes at them.

Ugh, Alice's pod reaches the next checkpoint and decides to just wait there in full view of all the Cerberus agents with guns. Also, her health bar had not regenerated from last time. Time to get the trusty shotgun out again and go kamikazee. This was not as successful as the first time and Alice was down to about a third health by the time I'd staggered around and killed everyone.

I actually picked up a load of cool weapons at this point but decided now was not the time for experimentation. There was one final checkpoint with a couple of burly centurians and more goons. I have no idea how Alice didn't die here. It seemed all I did was lose my shield, hide & recover, stand up then lose my shield again. I can only assume EDI and Liara went above and beyond the call of duty.

Despite my inebriation, I thought I'd held my own quite well until I came face-to-face with a huge mech that had clear anger management issues. Instead of taking shelter and using military tactics to outfox the enemy... I dropped my N7 cargo pants, bent over and let him repeatedly spank my little bottom blue. Yeah, I died a lot. Eventually, I took him down with a combination of grenades, overload and the superior performance of my team mates.

I have a feeling something else happened in this mission that I'm forgetting but we'll just say that it ended here. Shepard received a hundred-gun salute from the Salarians, a commendation from the council and a jolly-old rogering from Liara back in her Normandy quarters. This may or may not have happened.

Tune in next time when Shepard's leadership is called into question as he has no idea why they went to Sur'Kesh in the first place.

Psychotic

03-10-2017, 03:29 PM

If only someone hadn't killed Mordin he'd be there helping you out :colbert:

Bubba

03-12-2017, 09:37 AM

If only someone hadn't killed Mordin he'd be there helping you out :colbert:

IT WAS A MISTAKE. I would have happily sacrificed another crew member for Mordin :(

theundeadhero

03-12-2017, 05:13 PM

Not all is lost! I've read that if you follow the paragon path, then it's possible Samara is a romance option in ME3, and she can give you a sidequest similar to the Miranda one. You'll go to a hidden Justicar temple and learn how to bring one of your characters back from the dead. It just sucks that it was Mordin since his important parts are pretty early in the game, but you'll get to see his later stuff.

Mr. Carnelian

03-12-2017, 05:40 PM

Psychotic

03-12-2017, 08:55 PM

Formalhaut

03-12-2017, 08:56 PM

I do like Mordin's ending. It's really rare to see it because of story reasons, but with the right combination of choices he can survive forever.

Yeah, but I'd never pick that option. Never.

Bubba

03-12-2017, 09:17 PM

You're all teasing me! Do you know how many times I'm gonna have to replay these games to see everything? That's... actually fine though.

Another update coming tomorrow! Might as well get paid to type it all up tomorrow when I'm at work.

There will be a bit of break from 23rd March when Andromeda arrives. Apparently it's set between the events of ME2 & ME3... and obviously light years away... so there shouldn't be any spoilers for the end of ME3.

Bubba

03-15-2017, 10:21 AM

Attican Traverse - Krogan Team

So, it looks like a Krogan team has gone missing. We all know these boys are handy in a fight so let's go save them, become friends, then convince them to go on a suicide mission against the Reapers.

It didn't take long to find them and YEY! It's Grunt! He seems to have come a long way since his days moping around in the cargo hold of Normandy 2. He is leading a select group of the strongest Krogan from each clan. It seems they don't even mind he was the first Krogan test-tube baby. Well done, young sir!

There seems to be a bit of a Rachni problem here. Wait, what? I seem to remember saving the Rachni Queen in ME1 under the condition that they all stopped being very naughty boys and girls. You lot all said it was a good idea saving her?! Hmph :colbert:

We stock up on supplies and Shepard let's the group know it's time to go with a very macho "Let's move out!" His ego then suffered a bit of a dent as he stepped into a caravan which subsequently went tumbling down the side of the mountain. Way to go, fearless leader.

Shepard, Liara and Garrus dust themselves off and take in their surroundings. Oh Crapola. It looks like we've arrived onto the set of Aliens with face-hugger pods and webbing all over the place. Channelling Lt. Ellen Ripley, I pick up a nearby flamethrower and get to work. There's a possibility I shouldn't be destroying all these pods but f**k that, not taking the chance.

First enemy onslaught was a combination of the ever-annoying husks, big sweaty swarmers and something worryingly called a ravager... which kinda sounds like a sexual predator. The latter clearly being the most dangerous I took him out first. Tough bastard it was too. Took a few decent snipes before he finally succumbed.

I don't like it in here. It's dark and scary. Looking around with just a flashlight is unsettling. There is a clear Rachni presence so we were tasked with finding the central chamber and destroying the source. Nice.

A few dead Krogan behind some webbing did nothing to improve my mood. One of them had a dying message to pass on to his girlfriend back on the Citadel. Shepard would of course be happy to do this. However, the Krogan's request to have this delivered as a singing telegram he thought was inappropriate.

We activate some node which brings down a barrier and we have another onslaught to deal with. Taking out the enemy barrier first was a genius move if I do say so myself. Enemies defeated!

Pushing on and dealing with more pods, this time with creepy-crawlies popping out. Ugh. We eventually reach a cut-scene in which Grunt's squad were trapped under heavy fire. Thank f**k I'm here to save the day. I destroy a nearby node and they are saved. You're welcome, dudes! Wow, I haven't used the word "dude" in years...

Anyway, we soon find ourselves trapped by the Rachni. They're clearly switched on to the fact that we're here to wipe out their nest. We wriggle free by activated a node and then all hell breaks loose. We move from room to room, activating node after node and destroying wave after wave.

Here she is! Or... 'it' is. I don't know. Apparently it's a new surrogate or something. Anyway, I'm not sure I trust her/it. Anything that uses its tentacles to speak through a load of Krogan corpses must be treated with a certain amount of apprehension.

She/it had been trapped here and all I had to do was destroy one final node and she/it would be free. Oh crap. What do I do? I decided to trust them again (because it worked so well last time :argh:) and we destroyed the node and helped her escape. I'm looking forward to you all telling me what a horrible decision I've made.

Grunt was less than happy with my decision. He still loves us though as he did his best to help us escape. This beginneth one of the best action cut-scenes in the game so far. Grunt goes shotgun happy destroying a load of baddies before grabbing one and tumbling off the edge of a cliff like Frodo and Gollum.

I honestly thought I'd buggered up totally here by killing another awesome character. Luckily, before we leave the planet though, a bloodied and bad-ass Grunt walks out of the caves looking awesome if a little... juicy. Yey! I love it when no-one dies!

We jet off into the big black and celebrate with some peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches.

Tune in next time when all seems fine back on the Normandy until a huge Alien appears, rips our synthetic in half and Shepard does battle with it in a big, yellow mech-like mechanical loader.

Freya

03-15-2017, 05:38 PM

Oh man I was so worried at the same time with that. I was like NOOOO MY TANK BABY! Then he comes busting out like the beast he is. :kaoclove: tank baby

Psychotic

03-15-2017, 05:45 PM

Oh man I was so worried at the same time with that. I was like NOOOO MY TANK BABY! Then he comes busting out like the beast he is. :kaoclove: tank babyThis. I seriously thought he was dead when I replayed ME3! And that's replayed. I should've known he wouldn't croak! Although apparently he can if you didn't do his loyalty mission in ME2. (yes I immediately when on the Mass Effect wiki as soon as I thought he had died)

theundeadhero

03-15-2017, 07:44 PM

"Heh heh heh" ~Grunt He's awesome. I could never decide on a favorite, but one of my top favorite parts of the Citadel party is grunt at the door, and then his nap.

Bubba

03-15-2017, 08:01 PM

The Krogan is by far my favourite race. I love the banter with Wrex and Grunt. Plus, having them backing you up in a fight is incredibly reassuring :D

So, I don't know whether Grunt is on board as a team mate yet but I've still only got four others. Liara, Garrus, James & EDI. How many more can I expect?

Done a load of sidey's that I'll update tomorrow. Then I have a free evening tomorrow night to crack on!

Freya

03-15-2017, 08:03 PM

Well since you didn't do the from ashes DLC you're missing that one. You made kaidan stay at the citadel so you're missing him.

So just one more to pick up.

Bubba

03-16-2017, 12:18 AM

That is disappointing.

Oh well, I guess it'll mean I have half a chance of finishing before Andromeda lands.

Freya

03-16-2017, 01:46 AM

I wish you could get the From Ashes DLC to work because he's one of my favorite characters in the series! Sucks that it's wonky for you.

Bubba

03-16-2017, 04:42 PM

Mini update!

I've clearly not been keeping proper track of my side quests because I had no idea I was on some of them when it popped up that I'd completed them. Having experienced the previous two games, I make it routine to visit the Citadel after pretty much every decent-sized mission, especially the Priority ones. It's clear I've picked up a load by doing this.

I spoke to a woman in the hospital and I apparently procured her some alien medi-gel after over-hearing her in conversation. Awesome. I also found some schematics on my last Cerberus mission which I handed off to some lady in Purgatory. That's the nightclub, not the waiting room between heaven and hell.

I also delivered the dying Krogan's message to his girlfriend back on the Citadel. Wow. He was definitely punching above his weight! It was a reasonably hot Asari. The old Shepard wouldn't have hesitated in putting his mobile number at the bottom of the note... luckily he has seen the error of ways after his experiences with Liara and Jack.

I trawled through my journal and apart from a couple, it looks like I'm up-to-date with side missions. There's one for Barla Von that I just need to do some galaxy scouring for but I've also got a problem with this side quest I'm doing for Kasumi. It was great to see her pop up again btw! I've got to speak to this Hanar diplomat and I've enabled the tracking thing on my console but I can't find the next terminal. It's supposed to be in the same area but I can't find it anywhere. No doubt I'm doing something wrong again. Any ideas?

Psychotic

03-16-2017, 04:43 PM

That Krogan/Asari couple were in Mass Effect 2 and you may well have encouraged them to get together.

Bubba

03-16-2017, 04:46 PM

Oh yes, I did! He was the one spouting poetry if I remember correctly.

Psychotic

03-16-2017, 05:56 PM

That's the one. RIP in peace Poet Krogan.

Bubba

03-16-2017, 09:25 PM

Formalhaut

03-17-2017, 01:10 AM

Just settling down to start now and it seems I've solved the problem with my DLC issues, well... theundeadhero resolved it. You were right, man. I have a region 1 copy of the game so my UK DLC won't work with it.

Is it possible to download from the American PS store here in the UK? I've tried opening it in a browser but it isn't loading up.

Whaaaaa? That sounds really messed. Ugh. I hate games that have some form of region-crap getting in the way. If it is something as simple as that, there must be a solution. I don't want you missing some of the best DLCs in the game over a technicality.

Bubba

03-17-2017, 01:51 AM

Well I've already paid for the DLC on the Uk store so if worst comes to worst, I'll just pick up another copy of the trilogy and make sure it's UK region. I'm planning a renegade play through as well so I may have to experience the awesome DLC on my second run.

So, been playing for five hours straight and now I'm wiped! Ridiculous amounts to type up tomorrow. Better get some shut eye!

theundeadhero

03-17-2017, 05:16 AM

I don't remember what that specific page said to do to fix it, but an answer may be to contact the playstation store customer service and let them know the wrong region was downloaded. They might be able to see you have a copy downloaded and give you free access to the right version. I'm not sure. Either way, I know there is a fix.

Bubba

03-17-2017, 01:30 PM

Tuchunka: Turian Platoon

Time to save some more ass and hopefully recruit some more bodies to take down these damn Reapers!

The son of the Normandy's own General Victus was leading a ragtail platoon of Turians down on Tuchunka and have gotten themselves into a spot of bother. Lieutenant Victus Junior (who I later found out has the first name of Tarquin! Uber-posh, son!) and his platoon were pinned down by a group of unruly Cannibals, a load of husks and worst of all... a harvester?

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I mean, I get that wheat, oats and barley would cower in fear at this mighty machine but a group of tough, Turian soldiers? Sort yourself out, Tarquin!

We were here to investigate a downed ship that Tarquin had provided a nav point for. Let's get cracking! All is quiet at the start as we creep up a few ramps before we eventually come across a group of three husks huddled together playing a game of gin rummy. It must have been an enthralling game as I was able to sneaky-sneak up on them and shotgun them all on the back of the head.

We push on and find an escape pod with some of the Turian group under fire from Cannibals and HOLY HELL! A Harvester is a huge flying, scaly, bat/horse/dragon thing! It looked a bit like a cross between Drogon and the queen from the Alien movies. Luckily, none of the enemies had spotted us yet. Not eager to anger this beast, I took a moment to watch them all pummel this pod before I eventually noticed the health bar in the top right-hand corner. *sigh* I suppose I better engage.

I snipe the Cannibals before turning my attention to Queen Drogon. I decide to go with my pistol grenade things as she was a big target and they just stuck to her and exploded. Good strategy if I do say so myself! I thought I'd made quick work of her but she flew away when she had just a sliver of health left. Bitch!

The next area was basically a carbon copy but with different terrain. You know the old nursery rhyme... Blam Blam, thank you mam, the harvester flew away. Pulled up her socks and off she trots to fight another daaaayy!

The final encounter is made ultra-awkward with the inclusion of one of those bastard brutes. I hate these f**kers. They just come lumbering up to you and are all like... "Hi, nice to meet you. Oh, that's a nice shield. Would you mind terribly if I just REMOVE IT WITH ONE SWIPE OF MY SCABBY CLAW?!!!"

Time to bust out the old Overload and high-powered ammo. It still took a bit of time with all the Cannibals blundering in with their size 9's. We also finally took down the flying combine harvester as well. It stuck around a tad too long this time and... *adopts Gandalf voice* "At last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside"

A conversation with Tarquin in the final cut-scene reveals that he made a bit of a boo-boo in his command which cost the lives a load of his soldiers. Oh dear. Wait till I tell your Daddy back on the Normandy. He will not be pleased.

Unfortunately, we don't have time to grass dear Tarquin up to his dear Daddy. Some sneaky Turians have planted a bomb on Tuchunka to try and wipe out the Krogans. This is doing nothing to help my attempt at diplomatic relations between the different races. Pull it together, guys!

Tune in next time when Tarquin's request to bring his top hat and monocle to the bomb mission is immediately shot down by Shepard.

Bubba

03-17-2017, 04:42 PM

Tuchanka: Bomb

What's this? Two updates in one day. Oh how you are spoiling us, Monsieur Bubba!

We are dumped unceremoniously in the middle of a load of Cerberus goons who immediately tried to kill us. Rude. It was a huge sprawling arena with a few barriers dotted around. It kinda looked like the game Danger Zone in the 90's ITV hit TV show Gladiators. Anyone else remember that? Nope, just me then.

We were taking some pretty intense fire and my normally world-class sniper skills were not quite up-to-scratch. I ended up using a mid-range gun (I forget the name) but it was bloody good! It will be getting more regular use going forward.

The next section involved similar enemies with the addition of a turret and an engineer. The worst double-act since Bing Crosby and David Bowie performed Little Drummer Boy. I also took out the generators which disabled their magic-barrier things, exposing them to the elements! Then, much like Crosby and Bowie themselves, they were no more (too soon?).

As we made our way round, I couldn't help but notice a lot of Cerberus drop ships getting the hell out of dodge. Considering we're here to stop a bomb this is clearly not a good sign. I picked up some schematics and updated another side quest I had no idea about, before we eventually catch up with Tarquin. The dude is trying his best to make amends for killing half his squad by attempting to disarm the bomb. Whatever mate, the North remembers.

OK, so it looks like we're on protection detail. Enemy drop ships lived up to their name by dropping in and trying to stop our posh Turian from completing his task. My newly discovered, kick-ass semi-automatic rifle easily kept them at bay until Michael the Mischievous Mech showed up to throw a spanner in the works. Crap! Tarquin is taking damage!

As I bravely hid, I noticed a nearby pick-up and am I ever glad I ventured out to grab it! It was this Hydra Missile Launcher thing. Oooooooooohhh!! It only had one shell so I took careful aim and Mike the Mech was history in one shot!

That was actually my final action as Tarquin went ape-shit on the bomb itself. He climbed up to it and started ripping out power cells... I guess disarming at the console didn't work then, hey? He definitely redeemed himself though by dismantling the bomb before falling to his death in gloriously heroic fashion. Bagsy not telling his Dad when we get back to the Normandy.

Tune in next time when James admits he's never read any of the Harry Potter books and is immediately executed.

Formalhaut

03-17-2017, 06:34 PM

Funny story: if you don't complete the Bomb mission within three missions of picking it up, it explodes. Which isn't funny, as it affects your war assets and stuff. :shobon:

I'd definitely ring up customer services - ugh, I know - but seriously, they might be able to help you. If nothing else, at least you've then exhausted all your options that doesn't involve - ugh, I know - paying more money.

I still think this entire region thing is ridiculous, though.

theundeadhero

03-17-2017, 07:14 PM

I think you've completed all the really time sensitive mission now. That, and Jack's mission can be failed if you don't get there to save them fast enough. There's still some planet scanning/item finding that can't be finished after a certain story event, but you're good to go now.

Bubba

03-17-2017, 08:10 PM

Well that's a relief! It did kinda feel natural to do the bomb mission straight after. If I had more time in the evening like I had last night I'd probably finish by Wednesday!

I've messaged customer services since we'll see what they say. Here's hoping!

Bubba

03-18-2017, 03:13 PM

Priority: Tuchunka

We're off to cure the genophage! OR ARE WE? We receive a call from that important female Salarian, Dallatrix Lestrange. She voices her concerns over whether or not we should cure it at all and... ooooooh! She wants us to sabotage the mission for the good of all the races in the galaxy. Hmmm... decisions, decisions!

We start the mission with a spot of husk-swatting. It's weird, even though I'm an infiltrator, the shotgun has been my go-to weapon so far. I run around dispatching them all before a cut-scene is triggered. We've brought Padok Wiks (we shed another tear for Mordin :cry:) along to help complete the cure. It's fair to say that he has hardly been given a warm welcome by the Krogan but Eve (our sexy Krogan female) steps up, defends him and puts the Krogan in their place with a speech to rival Martin Luther King... "I have a Dream. That my poor little Salarian... etc etc"

We climb into our vehicle and head off. There was a little moment with Eve previously and now she asks us what was up. Here we go! Do we reveal Dallatrix's plot or do we keep shtum? There is no way I'm lying to my boy Wrex so I immediately blab about Lestrange's plan. Eve thanks us profusely for saving another genocide whilst Wrex says "See, I told you we could trust him." Awww! I love you too, man!

Our line of vehicles rumbles on before we arrive at a gap in the road. "Floor it. There might be an incline, floor it!" Sorry, I watched Speed again recently. We stop and have a bit of a snoop round before... fuuuuuuuuck! A ship comes crashing down on our location wiping out most of our trucks and killing a load of Krogan. Not the best start.

There was an entrance on the other side of the road which was literally our only option. It led down into some scary-ass tunnels that were pretty much pitch black. It was also a smurfing maze. I kept expecting to turn a corner and have my face eaten by some mutant space zombie. Ahhh, I want my mummy! No, no, pull it together, Shepard. You're a damn Spectre. Act like it, man!

As I was fumbling around, I found a few cave paintings on the wall which inexplicably gave me thousands of credits. All-righty then. Suddenly, a pale, alien face appeared in the darkness. I immediately panicked and fired off my shotgun then furiously tried to reload before realising it was just Garrus. Ahem. As you were, team. I hate it in here.

So, apparently there is a resident Thresher Maw here that we would do well not to come into contact with. Something tells me we aren't going to get much choice in the matter. Pushing past an alien corpse we finally reach some stairs and get the hell out of this cave. Thank smurf.

Oh goody, an ambush. To be honest, after the creepiness of the last place, I actually welcoming a good old-fashioned scrap! It was easy pickings apart from a Brute which are just the worst. We reach a really cool looking bridge with a load of Krogan statues on either side. Impressive! Far less impressive was my death only moments later. A load of nasties popped out of the opening at the far end of the bridge. "OK!" I thought. "Time for some snipey-snipey action!" I picked off a couple before exposing myself (not like that) for too long and taking a missile to the face. Shield destroyed. It was at this precise moment that a few husks (whom I didn't notice were flanking me) started beating the crap out of me. I died :(

Adjusting my tactics (and field of vision) slightly, I emerged victorious second time around. We cross the bridge and... AAAAAGGHHHH!!!! Queen Thresher Maw shows up and she's smurfing huge! She knocks a hole in the bridge before buggering off. I am not looking forward to facing up to her. We have more pressing matters though. A huge Reaper is situated at a nearby temple and whelp... it looks like we're gonna have to take it down.

OK, give me a minute to come up with a plan here. It was either Wrex or Eve that suggested... "Why don't we lure Queen Thresher Maw over to the Reaper and let them duke it out?" Yeah, that sounds like a plan that can't go wrong. I remember a similar tactic being used in Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus and we all know how that one turned out, don't we? What's that, you don't? Yeah, me neither.

We initiate the plan and amazingly it seems to be working. We arrive at the Reaper's location and it certainly seemed distracted. We simply had to activate a couple of switches near this temple and we're all good! Only... we're not all good. A tribe of Brutes show up and I immediately crap myself. Five of them! FIVE!

They were all charging my position so I bravely stood my ground legged it to the other side of the arena in floods of tears. This isn't fair! I'll spare you the full details of this encounter. Let's just say it involved a lot of running back and forwards, shooting from afar and keeping well out of their way.

Once that threat was removed, it was just the Reaper we had to deal with. Let's get these switches activated! The Reaper had other ideas though and every time I tried to get to one he'd stick a huge, dirty leg in my way. But just like making a good Sunday roast dinner, it's all about the timing. Skilfully darting underneath, we manage to activate both switches to trigger an awesome final cut-scene.

The Reaper decides to focus all it's attention on us which will surely mean certain death only... BOOM!!!!! Queen Thresher Maw jumps up and grabs it from behind, wraps around it and takes it down! AMAZING!!

A sad moment here as it was time for Padok Wiks to journey to the top of the tower and finally cure the damn genophage. The only problem being that it would be a one-way trip :( Padok, my man. We haven't known each other that long but you are a true hero. His last words were to the effect of "It isn't up to us to control the population of a species." What a legend.

That was the end of Priority: Tuchunka! Wrex and Eve look like they're gonna go off to make millions of Krogan babies so I hope curing the genophage was the right call! Eve told me her real name too but I didn't quite catch it. It sounded something like 'balaclava' but maybe I'll wait for her to contact me to avoid any awkwardness.

Tune in next time when Shepard gets all drunk and depressed after reading the initial reviews of Mass Effect: Andromeda.

theundeadhero

03-18-2017, 05:59 PM

Bubba

03-18-2017, 06:25 PM

I see how it is. Pretending to be a great hero. Acting like you care about all in the galaxy. Then going around and killing every Salarian in sight. Sure, claim it was an accident. You didn't expect that tower getting attacked by a reaper to blow up. It wasn't your fault...

It's all part of my greater scheme to kill every race from within their own ranks then one day take my place as grand supreme leader of the Reapers.

Seriously though, that mission is really fun. Nobody messes with the mother of all thresher maws.

Oh man. As she pops out and starts wrapping around it I was just like "NO WAY!!"

Bubba

03-20-2017, 05:41 PM

Priority: Citadel 2

We warmed up for this mission by completing another of those quick-fire Cerberus missions. I quite like them. They're a nice little break from the more lengthy story episodes. Once it was over though, I had a few side quests to finish at the Citadel as well as our next 'biggy' mission. OK! Let's mosey!

So, we were heading back to meet up with the Salarian Counsellor to keep this whole 'all races as one' thing going. Things get off on an ominous note though as Joker is getting zero response from the Citadel on his approach. Erm... hello? Anyone there? This being a priority mission I kinda assumed there'd be some kind of kerfuffle so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

Yup. Definite kerfuffle. We land to a sh*tstorm of gunfire. C-Sec were doing their best to fight off, you guessed it... Cerberus. We were dropped off at the end of a long platform which was just crying out for some snipey action. Oooh you boys are gonna get it!

This was some of my most impressive sniping to date. I was reeling off headshots left right and centre and wondered for a moment whether I could actually complete this entire mission sat in the same spot. I was that good! But that was clearly a stupid wondering so once the coast was clear we ran to the end of the platform.

Oh no! Commander Bailey look's like he's taken one to the gut and is on his last legs. Don't die, man! I'll miss your handsome crater-face! He seems like he'll be OK for a little while though. He syncs his omni-tool with ours so he can keep in contact with us. Right, lets go and clean up this mess!

Things started off reasonably straight-forward. More ridiculously accurate sniping from yours truly took out a few unsuspecting Cerberus soldiers but man... the Citadel is a mess! We arrive at an elevator with an engineer busy fiddling with the controls next to it. The health bar above his head indicated that he is clearly a 'wrong un' so we repainted the elevator controls a nice crimson red before summoning the lift.

We exited the elevator to a scene from... I don't know... some show/film that has lots of dead bodies strewn around the place. It looks like the C-Sec workforce has been considerably thinned since our last visit here. There weren't many Cerberus goons around so it seems like we've missed the party. Well that's what I thought anyway until I reached the kitchen and suddenly they were everywhere! Quite annoyingly, Jona Lewie's hit record You Will Always find Me in the Kitchen at Parties suddenly popped into my head. To distract from this, I took out this Cerberus wave with minimal fuss. I'm kicking ass this mission!

Wow. Lot's of cut-scene action next as we spot the Salarian ambassador but she is cornered by this cool-looking assassin type dude with floppy hair. He looks like a bit of a handful! We jump down and the coward tries to use the Salarian ambassador as a human shield! Well, a Salarian shield... you know what I mean. Luckily, it was at this moment that the legend that is Thane showed up to try and take him down. Good to see you, man! This assassin dude is a slippery customer though and is dodging bullets like a boss. He and Thane have a coming together and NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Thane get's front-Aerith'd right in the gut. I mean, I knew Thane was on the final stages of his illness BUT STILL.

The coward then legs it before Shepard can chase him down. Thane is still moving but it doesn't look good. We call help for him then jump in one of those flying cars to start our pursuit of assassin man. We were in the air only briefly when SMURF, THIS MAN IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. Thane's too, clearly. Thane's Bane, heh heh... but NO! This guy is going down!

The only problem at the minute is that we were going down. He'd jumped onto our car, stuck his Thane-Killer through our engine and jumped off again. We were going down quicker than a ten-dollar prostitute. We crashed on some unknown Citadel location and were thrust back into the action after cut-scene central.

The game thought this would be the perfect time to throw two new enemies at us. We were attacked by a load of Phantoms and Nemesis...es's...ess... err, things that go by the name Nemesis. Phantoms were a pain the backside. They rush you like husks then dive being cover at the last second. Damn you and your intelligence! The Nemesis enemies were all snipery but were no match for me.

I'm waffling again, aren't I? Mech shows up. We destroy mech. We get to some elevators and assassin man has already headed up in one. Luckily, our man Bailey is a whizz at hacking elevators or something. He slows their elevator and supercharges ours to draw us level. Oooh, this is exciting! We take out the brakes on the elevator and it plummets to the bottom!

When we finally exit the shaft we come face-to-face with Kaiden. He is busy trying his best to save the council and didn't take too kindly to my appearance. Meh I'm used to your attitude now mate, change the record. It turns out though that Counsellor Udina has brokered a deal with Cerberus to attack the Citadel! He wants to direct all the Citadel forces to help the humans back on Earth. Too far man, too far!

Udina runs over to a terminal to do bad-man things and shoves the Asari counsellor to the floor. NOT ON MY WATCH. We're given a renegade interrupt here and I was sooooooo close to gunning him down but luckily Kaidan beats me to it and takes him out. Bailey then shows up and this hectic mission is finally over!

I'm gonna give another little update later today as there were further developments with my team!

Psychotic

03-20-2017, 05:57 PM

Bubba

03-20-2017, 06:14 PM

Christ alive, I don't half waffle some sh*t. I hope at least some of that last update made sense.

We had successfully reclaimed the Citadel from Cerberus forces but it came at a price. Thane was on death's door up in the hospital wing. His son err... Thane Junior was with him. We say a few prayers and Thane finally passes away. Sad times. There are far too many deaths in these games for my liking :(

I remember Freya saying this and it didn't make much sense to me at the time.

You made kaidan stay at the citadel so you're missing him.

I assumed it was something I missed on DLC or something but it turns out that choice is now! His handsome face was waiting for me back on the Normandy and he lets me know that he's been offered a job working on the Citadel. I could see he was dying to join my crew though so it was an easy decision to make. Welcome back to the Normandy, son!

So does this mean I still have one more crew mate to find?

Also if you are interested in this and you may not be, those mini Cerberus missions are actually the multiplayer stages. They just incorporated them into the main game to give us something more to do, which I'm appreciative of.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense now. All those stages seemed more like arenas than actual levels.

Freya

03-20-2017, 06:53 PM

Oh! Yeah I must have thought you were further! Yes you have the DLC one and just a normal story one.

Formalhaut

03-20-2017, 08:12 PM

I bloody hate Kai-Leng, he is the dullest and worst character in the game.

Also if you are interested in this and you may not be, those mini Cerberus missions are actually the multiplayer stages. They just incorporated them into the main game to give us something more to do, which I'm appreciative of.

Agreed with Kai-Leng. He abuses 'cutscene power to the max' all the damn time. No matter what you do, he runs rings around you. He's basically a walking spanner in the works. Plus he killed Thane, so he's a bastard.

I do like the N7 missions. There's not actually that many of them, and from about this point onwards there's less and less non-main missions in the story, DLC missions notwithstanding.

Bubba

03-22-2017, 06:48 PM

Arrae: Ex-Cerberus Scientists

Time to claim some former Cerberus employees for my own! We land on Arrae and it would appear that Cerberus do not take kindly to people handing in their resignation. Maybe they didn't give four weeks' notice or something but still... gunning them down seems harsh.

They were under heavy fire as soon as we landed. Shepard was in confident mood and was busy humming "you can fight like a Krogan, run like a leopard but you'll never be better than Commander Shepard" whilst taking out Cerberus soldiers. A familiar face takes a bullet to the torso... it's Jacob! Hang on, pal. Be there in a jiffy!

We mop up the stragglers and head into the hangar to chat to everyone and ohhhh... it looks like I'm about to find out who Jacob cheated on Pumpkin's FemShep with! We're introduced to head-honcho scientist Dr. Cole (fair play Jacob, she's pretty hot) who gives us the run-down. We need to get a satellite dish back on line along with the facility's anti-aircraft guns. These poor ex-Cerberus peeps will then be free to leave!

We pick up a load of cool gear and chat to everyone. If I'd not known about Pumpkin's issues, I would have thought that Jacob and Dr. Cole were quite sweet. Ah well, I'm gonna help you all out regardless because I'm nice.

In the words of Ace Rimmer, "Roight, let's get cracking!" We climbed up to the roof and oh hello Cerberus-people-that-can't-see-us! Don't mind me while I just explode your heads with my deadly sniper rifle. Within minutes we'd achieved our first objective and the satellite was back on line.

Okily-dokily. Time to get those guns going again! It was a bit of a trek to the anti-aircraft guns and sh*t the bed... I lost my shield in about a second thanks to a trigger-happy Cerberus dude at a gun turret. OK, hide. We took out the on-foot goons before creeping slowly forward like a leopard (everyone! - "but you'll never be better than Commander Shepard!!") keeping out of the turret's sights.

When close enough, I tried sniping the guy at the turret but I could barely see him. All of a sudden though, the firing stopped and when I climbed up there... he was nowhere to be seen. Either my bullet had a delayed effect or he evaporated. Unlikely it was the latter.

OK, almost there! We activate one of the AA guns but the other one is all "computer says no" so I tell Garrus to get fixing it whilst me and Kaidan, the old team, kick ass! Oh yeah, this is my first mission with Kaidan this game. It's good to have him back!

Whilst Garrus was busy, a load of drop ships turned up and ohyesohyesohyes... the gun turret from before is obviously now free! These guys were sorry they ever decided to jump out of their ships. I was deadly! Goons were exploding in mid-air before they'd even hit the ground! It was literally the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan and lasted barely a minute. Cerberus dead, AA guns repaired!

We head back into the facility heroes, though no-one came to congratulate us on our brave bravery. Fine then, I'll leave your sorry asses to get killed next time. We get everyone ready to evacuate and our mission is almost over UNTIL... dramatic capitalised word... a mech shows up to try and scupper our escape. I equip some disruptor ammo on it's ass and that was all she wrote!

We make our escape and have a brief chat with Jacob. I suppose I'd be willing to add him to my crew but his heart was elsewhere, namely his luuuuurvergirl, Dr. Cole. Fine pal, off you trot. There was no mention of her being pregnant but I may have missed that, I'm not sure. Congrats anyway, you two!

Tune in next time Dr. Coles' paternity test are revealed live on The Jeremy Kyle Show with some surprising results.

Freya

03-22-2017, 07:05 PM

Yeah but like, he just moves on from you. Like not even sorry about it.

Jacobs a dick.

Bubba

03-22-2017, 07:58 PM

There was much fun, frolicks and Not that he reads this thread but... inB4 Sephex says "I served under General Hi-jinx at such-and-such war" over at the Citadel following this mission so prepare yourselves for some juicy gossip with our motley crew!

After the last mission, I had a load of emails back on my terminal. Liara wants to meet for a date, Kaidan wants to buy me dinner, Garrus wants to shoot the breeze, Miranda wants a comm chat... all back on the Citadel. Fine game, I take the hint!

Before docking, there was a hilarious moment down in the crew quarters as Garrus and James compared penis sizes. Not literally, they swapped war stories and sorry James... but Garrus has you over a barrel here. Again. not literally.

Oh, and this happened before the above mission but Traynor asked to come over to Shepard's quarters for a game night. Sounds like fun! Over you pop, my dear. We played a fierce game of chess and she has top banter. I like her a lot! I may explore her romance option on my FemShep play through.

Upon arrival at the Citadel, I thought I'd do some roaming around every section and that should tick all the boxes. The first moment was quite possibly my favourite. Down in the refugee camp, Conrad Verner shows up and we have a brief chat and suddenly a nearby guy pulls a gun on me! An incredibly hilarious slow-motion cut-scene occurs as Conrad dives valiantly in front of a bullet for me. It was made even more hilarious when it turns out the guy was firing blanks. That's in relation to his gun and not his sperm potency and... aww! He and Jenna (the barmaid from ME1) have a moment! It looks like they're both gonna have a nice ending. Lovely :)

I stopped briefly over at Purgatory and persuaded Joker to give things a go with EDI. Next thing I know they're all cuddled up on a table looking lovey-dovey. Aww, this is a nice update so far, isn't it?! No-one's dead yet, at least.

OK, Presidium Commons next and Kaidan follows through with his promise to buy me dinner. You're too kind, my fellow spectre! He really opens up and says he wants to feel that "something special" with someone. He then tells me of his feelings for me and I'm like "Oh man, I would love to, you handsome bastard but I'm fully committed to Liara. I'm sorry." I genuinely was too. To be continued in a subsequent play through, ya big stud ;)

Next up is my sweet maiden of the blue persuasion! We have a little heart-to-heart and she says she's lucky to have a friend like me. Wait... what? Friend?? I'VE BEEN FRIEND-ZONED!! Kaidan, come back!! I tell her that I want to be more than just friends (obvs!) and she's all "I'm glad, I feel the same way". Phew! I then proceeded to stick my tongue down her throat. All is well.

Finally was my bro-meet with Garrus! This was awesome too! I suggest the bar (because you know, it's me) but he's all like "I've got a better idea" in that cool way he's got. We grab a ship and head to the roof of one of the Citadel walkways for a spot of target practice! We take turns throwing little flasks out for each other and sniping them. I am clearly the superior marksman but I love Garrus too much and I let the guy win. This was worth it, if only for his victory cry of "I am Garrus Vakarian... and this is my favourite spot on the Citadel!"

Happy times.

Freya

03-22-2017, 08:10 PM

Daww yes all these moments are super sweet. I always let garrus win too

Formalhaut

03-22-2017, 08:58 PM

Those set of moments are probably my favourite of the 'catching up in the Citadel' ones. But I always beat Garrus.

Bubba

03-23-2017, 11:54 AM

It was a lovely time amidst all the chaos.

I'm finding it hard to pick a favourite game out of the three at the minute. I know I'm only halfway through this one, but there has been some amazing missions and moments. Plus, I haven't even touched the DLC yet!

ME2 and ME3 are obviously much more polished games but I actually found the planet exploration element of ME1 very addictive and quite therapeutic! Plus, the story has been excellent across all three games. I just don't know!

Freya

03-23-2017, 05:05 PM

Yeah I really like ME1 the best story wise. The combat in 2 and 3 is great though.

Formalhaut

03-24-2017, 10:12 PM

ME: 2 was never really about the story. Oh to be sure, there's the collectors to investigate, but what carries the game is the interactions between all of your companions. The dossier and loyalty missions were always the best parts of ME: 2, in my opinion, besides the DLC.

ME: 1 is probably weighted towards story slightly more than characters, but it focuses more on exploration and scene-setting, which makes sense being the first one. In a more rail-roaded fashion, ME: 3 again focuses on the points raised in the first one, offering resolutions to many of the issues raised and hinted at in the first game. I do wish there were more meaningful sidequests other than "hey, I have this ancient obelisk/holy book/military banner, have this", but the combat sidequests that are there are good. Plus the DLC in that game is the best of the bunch in my opinion.

I think to truly appreciate ME you have to look at the whole. Each game really fits into the next and carries forward the story, which is probably the greatest strength behind the series.

Bubba

06-09-2017, 02:46 PM

Well, well, well...

72474

Yup, me.

I could not leave Shepard and his crew hanging so it's time we finished this. I would not have you read back through my horrendously convoluted waffling bullsh*t so here is summary of what has happened on my Mass Effect 3 playthrough...

- Earth is attacked by reapers, Shepard escapes, boy dies, very sad, recruit James
- We fly to Mars, Cerberus causing sh*t with husks, recruit Liara, Dr Ava hurts Kaidan, we kill the bitch
- Citadel: Recruit Diana Allers & Dr Chaka Khan
- Palaven: Recruit Garrus, kill stuff, extract General Victus
- Normandy: EDI takes over Dr Ava's body, looks hot
- Grissom Academy: Meet Jack, evacuate students, kill things with a mech
- Sur'Kesh: Recruit Padok, cry again about Mordin, rescue and recruit Eve the Krogan, kill more Cerberus
- Attican Traverse: Find team of Krogan, meet Grunt, kill rachni, help Queen Rachni escape (again), Grunt goes bad ass
- Tuchunka: Find General Victus' son and his Turian mates, kill harvester (flying dragon thing), Victus' son buggers up, find out there is a bomb on Tuchunka
- Tuchunka Bomb: Find bomb, Victus' son disarms it then dies, Victus sad
- Priority Tuchunka: We're off to cure the genophage, I choose NOT to sabotage the mission, kill baddies, resident Queen Thresher Maw and Reaper fight, the latter dies, Padok cures the genophage then dies, very sad
- Priority Citadel 2: Cerberus attacking Citadel, Thane saves Salarian ambassador from Kai-Leng, Thane is stabbed, we chase Kai-Leng, he crashes our flying car, kill more Cerberus, meet Kaidan, he's evacuating the council, Councillor Udina has sold us out to Cerberus, Kaidan kills him, Thane dies, very sad, Kaidan recruited
- Arrae Ex-Cerberus Scientists: Meet Jacob, re-align satellite, AA guns repaired, escape with everyone
- Citadel update: Chess with Traynor, Conrad slo-mo save, Joker loves EDI, dinner with Kaidan, tongue action with Liara, bro-meet with Garrus, all is well

I think that just about covers everything. Please can no-one mention DLC as it's not happening and it upsets me to think about it. If I can figure it out then I'll play them on my Renegade FemShep playthrough and tag their updates on at the end of the thread. Meanwhile... we're about to investigate a Geth Dreadnought apparently. Stay tuned for the next official update tomorrow!

Freya

06-09-2017, 05:33 PM

SO ABOUT THAT DLC

lmao

anyway you're well over halfway through it I think

theundeadhero

06-20-2017, 09:53 AM

If Mordin had lived through ME2, it would have been him that died to cure the genophage. Or not, if you so chose. Much sadness. Goodbye, little buddy.

I hope we can expect smaller, talkative updates in the future :)

Bubba

06-20-2017, 10:18 AM

Temporal vortex complications have delayed updates. Next one will be up this week!

Bubba

07-06-2017, 02:27 PM

So erm yeah, booted this up last night and...

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A quick trawl through my journal though and I got the general gist. Reapers, death, destruction and carnage. My next big port of call was to head to the far rim and rendevous... rondev... rendavou... meet with the Quarian fleet. This thought excited me as I hoped to meet up with old pal and living legend, Tali :-)

Before this undertaking, I decided to traverse the galaxy and see how much it had gone to sh*t. There were a few 'scan planet' sidequests that I needed to complete for random dudes/dudettes back on the citadel so I decided to get some of these out of the way. Plus, I've missed the Citadel's sexy face.

Holy crap. My previous main mission came flooding back as I remember Cerberus taking a giant turd on the Citadel. Fires everywhere, bodies burnt into the floor. The Citadel crew are a resilient bunch though as all their dialogue options were exactly the same. Business as usual and all that. Carry on, chaps!

I ticked off a few sideys on my trip before eventually catching up with Jacob in the hospital. Ahhh yes, I can imagine this scene being particularly awkward if you'd romanced him with FemShep. Especially the part where his new missus wanted to call their baby Shepard. AWKWARD :stare:

I also caught up with Miranda. Oh hey, I'd almost forgotten you existed. You've barely been in this game. What's that? Something about your sister? Can't remember love. Hope you sort it out. All the best.

I headed back to the Normandy as i was itching to get out and see how bad a spectre I now was after months out of action. I did a quick tour of the ship to ensure all was well. All seemed serene until I entered Dr Chaka Khan's ofice and it appears she has been in the Normandy for so long now she is literally part of the furniture...

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I then accessed the galaxy map and set a course for the Quarian... oh wait! A distress signal! Let's check this bad boy out. Stay tuned for our first official mission (following our erm... sabbatical) later today!

Bubba

07-06-2017, 06:33 PM

Kallini: Ardat-Yakshi Monastery

Oooooh exciting! Time to see how many ways I can get myself killed in combat. I brought along Garrus and Liara for the lols.

This particular monastery was pitch-black and completely bereft of monks or nuns. This to me is a defining characteristic of what makes a monastery a monastery. Clearly evil doings are afoot. Flashing our flashlight about we discover the body of an Asari woman/man/person. I don't know why but seeing a dead Asari unsettles me more than any other race. It must be my love for Liara. "I'm such a romantic!" I thought as I rooted through the corpse's pockets for spare change.

Our destination was the Great Hall which conjured up images of plates full of food and flagons of pumpkin juice. I sincerely doubted this is what I would find. It turns out there is a bomb set up to blow up the entire facility and as we were soon to find out... for good reason.

Oh, another blast from the past! Dear old Samara has returned to try and help her two daughters, Fiona and Rita. Apparently, more Reaper naughtiness was occurring with Asari being taken-over and turned into Banshees. Not good.

It wasn't long before we met one of these abominations as one popped up in the next room. No. I don't like these. At all. They have about three shields to whittle down and teleport all over the shop like a demented Dhalsim. Cue overloads, disruptor ammo, kitchen sink... the lot. We eventually took it down but ugh, no thank you.

After this monstrosity, the cannibals that appeared were easy pickings. We cleared the room and were rewarded with a cut-scene between us, Samara and her youngest daughter, Fiona. Things started well and then deteriorated rather quickly. The conversation was something like this...

Shepard: "We are here to help you, fair maiden!"
Fiona: "How are you going to do that?"
Shepard: "We're gonna make sure this bomb goes off, destroying your home. We don't like the Banshees."

She was not impressed.

She jumps off the ledge and floats down to safety followed closely by Samara. We set off in hot pursuit but used conventional methods like doors and stuff. We were obviously impeded by more cretins on the way and another of those horrible Banshees. I mean, I feel a bit bad because they used to be Asari but I pelt these things with everything I've got. I hate them.

We eventually reach the Great Hall and yeah no food, no pumpkin juice, no Dumbledore... but at least there were no bloody Banshees. It was just Samara and her two daughters. Unfortunately, Rita was already on the turn into Reaper-zombie status so she was already a goner. We had one last round of cretins with two of the cock-a-doody Banshees. My dispatching of these two horrors was about as smooth as an Egyptian whiskey. I lost my shield lots. They were just plain mean.

Eventually though, the room was cleared and Rita does the honourable thing and decides to stay behind to detonate the bomb while the rest of us escape. Sounds good to me. You crack on, love. Her mother Samara was naturally in tears... and when I say tears I mean her expression didn't change one bit. Heartless.

We all escape in the elevator and Rita blows the building to sh*t killing all the Banshees at the same time. Awesome job, sister. Her actual sister is devastated but vows to keep on the work at the monastery. Garrus read some poetry in honour of the fallen Rita. This clearly didn't go down too well with Samara who promptly tried to shoot herself in the head. Luckily, my paragon interrupt saved the day... and her. We gained her as a war asset along with a load of other Asari forces. Sweet.

Tune in next time when Samara's Facebook game requests lead to her immediate removal as a war asset.

theundeadhero

07-07-2017, 04:43 PM

The monastery is so hard on the upper difficulties. I think we share the same dreadful hate of banshees. Seeing Samara again is cool though.

Bubba

07-08-2017, 04:48 PM

Priority: Geth Dreadnought

Oooooooohhh exciting!!!

The Quarians (who haven't committed their forces to the cause as of yet :colbert:) are in a space battle with some Geth Dreadnought. They are finding it difficult so it's up to Shepard and the team to utilise the Normandy's stealth runs and sneaky-sneak in under the radar. Also, I was right! The lovely Tali has joined us and is in my three-person team! A rather splendid cinematic occurs and before we know it... myself, Tali and Garrus are heading to the dreaded... err Dreadnought.

OK, so here we g... what the hell is this?? We're doing a spot of space-walking through a long docking tube. This would be fine if not for the inconvenient gaps along the way. Trying to walk around this tube whilst also approaching the Dreadnought was disorientating. Luckily, I'm amazing and made it there with little trouble.

This was a solo Shepard jaunt as my team-mates for some reason decided not to join me. Cowards. Oh, that's right, I had to open a door for them. Why we couldn't all go together I don't know. Probably another plot point that I missed. Either that or Tali has turned into a spoiled princess since ME:2. As soon as we're all together, Tali gives us a new pistol (cheers love) and we have the Operations Centre marked on our map. We then use some bridge controls to open our way forward. Exciting!

Activating these controls triggered a wave of Geth who have finally cottoned-on to the fact that there are intruders on their ship. Dumb asses. I called on the services of Snipey McSniperface and they were picked off from afar like apples from a tree... using a long picking device to pick the apples with... ahem.

The next room was made trickier by some cloaked Geth hunters. They had the annoying habit of materialising right in front of my face. When this happened, they made clear their intentions were not amorous so I shot them in the face with my shotgun.

My excitement for this level was waning slightly as it was just a case of deal with wave, go to next room, deal with wave, etc. For a moment, I could have been back playing ME:1 again until... SHOCKWAVE (...and I don't need anyonnne!) Things suddenly got interesting as a shockwave kept pulsing through the ship which, unless you were hiding behind a crate, would remove your shield entirely because, you know, crates are impervious to shockwaves.

This did make things much more exciting! There would be a weird rumbling-generator sound and then the wave would come! Pow! The warning sound was weird. Do you remember those vuvuzela trumpets that ruined the 2010 football world cup? Well, it sounded nothing like that.

I did some impressive jack-in-a-box popping in and out of cover. Sniping geth, 72834 pop back up and snipe again. I was f***ing amazing. Eventually, we reach the end of this section and activate the controls which turned the shockwaves off though I was actually enjoying them :(

Some good ol' fashioned platform jumping followed until we got to another tunnel and YEY! More shockwaves! there should be a Mass Effect Shockwave Difficulty where the entire game is spent ducking from shockwaves. Actually no, that is a terrible idea. Ignore me. I used the same snipe-and-duck tactics here and eventually we find ourselves in an elevator to the ship's core. Ooooooooohhh!!

We walk in and sh*t-the-bed! It's Legion! He's suspended by his arms and legs in a device that wouldn't look out of place in Horny Helga's House of Pain. The Geth are using him to do erm... bad, bad things like reeeeeeallly bad stuff. I should really pay attention to these cut scenes. We fiddle with a few panels and Legion is free from all the bad things they were making him do. That's it! He was powering their shields so the Quarians couldn't destroy the Dreadnought!

It came as no surprise that a wave of Geth immediately followed this. This wouldn't have been a problem but the wave included two Geth Primes which are ultra-annoying. I brought out the heavy artillery for these bad boys and after a prolonged exchange, I finally smote my enemies and left their ruins for the crows... there could be crows, you don't know.

Hooray! Now, we can make our escape before the Quarians start... HOLY SH*T!! They've started shooting at the ship already! WE'RE STILL ON BOARD, YOU PRICKS. Explosions everywhere. We're flying all over the place because there is no longer gravity. Luckily, Legion gives us a helping hand and we escape the Dreadnought just before it's demise. Phew!!!

Once back on the Normandy, we made it clear to the Quarian general that we did not appreciate them trying to kill us. I resisted the temptation to renegade interrupt but I'm sure I'll enjoy whatever it was when I play through again as renegade FemShep. I also manage to convince the Quarians not to dismantle Legion as the dude did us a solid. Plus, he'll be handy to have round if we need any tins opening.

Tune in next time when Legion makes a Spanish omelette using his 'groinal attachment' and nobody is brave enough to try it.

theundeadhero

07-08-2017, 05:00 PM

You're getting to one of the many most amazing parts of the series. I can't wait to read about it.

Formalhaut

07-08-2017, 08:25 PM

Yeah, the next mission is excellent. But also utterly terrifying for me, for reasons you'll find out.

Also, banshees can go die. Scary scream? Menancing appearance? Teleportation? INSTANT DEATH ATTACK? Ugh, no.

Bubba

07-08-2017, 08:34 PM

You guys have got me all excited now! I have a rare free night tonight too so I'll be getting a good few hours in :D

Bubba

07-10-2017, 01:45 PM

Rannoch: Admiral Koris

This Quarian Admiral is not having a good time of it. The ship carrying him has crashed on Rannoch and now the Quarian fleet are without a leader. No prob, Bob! Shepard, Liara and EDI head over there and begin a search. Our first trip to Rannoch! It's lovely, Shepard makes a mental note to grab a postcard before leaving.

We exit our dropship and immediately happen upon the corpse of a Quarian. Hope this isn't our guy otherwise this will be a very short mission. We move in for a closer look and BLAM! A bloody trip mine removes my shield. Oh, we're playing this game are we?? Fine. From that moment on I became as sure-footed as cat on Berocca.

Our main threat appeared to be some big AA guns. Niet problemski, we headed to the guns controls and *sigh* we had to assign a squadmate to deactivate it. I assigned EDI (makes sense) to the task before the inevitable onslaught of geth appeared. There were only two of us but Shepard has had his Weetabix today. Not even the appearance of a geth prime rattled me as I disposed of him with ease. Bring it on, boys! EDI's keyboard-tapping was minimal and the AA guns were disarmed.

We head on and find severely-wounded Quarian called Don Hat. He wasn't wearing a hat which I though was strange but he had some useful information. I was given the option to ease his mind (paragon) or press him for details about Admiral Koris (renegade). Now, I'm playing paragon but Shepard isn't messing around today so I went for the latter. He tells us we need to get this jamming tower offline in order to find him (or some sh*t) so as per usual, I just go with it.

More disarming of AA guns now (EDI, you're up) while me and Liara whooped more geth arse. OH YES! There was a handy gun turret nearby that gave me an instant boner. I got behind the controls and it was time for a souped-up version of Duck Hunt... only without any ducks... and with an automatic gun turret... and set in space. You get the idea. The geth's demise was swift. I am rocking this level!

The second AA gun followed and the geth were once again mopped up like the remnants of a tomato and red pepper soup with some crusty bread. We then finally gain contact with Admiral Koris. Hi mate!

He's in a spot of bother as his extraction was going to prove difficult. He was all like "Leave me behind" and we were all like "No man, we'll save you!" but you know, fleshed out in a Mass Effect cut-scene with lots of dialogue.

We're given the option to save the smegger so that's exactly what we do! A cool section then happens where we basically re-create the ending of the movie Platoon but we manage to save Willem Dafoe (spoiler, he dies at the end) AKA Admiral Koris. We are flying next to him in our dropship shooting geth from all around him. We allow him to run through this geth-fest, pull him onto our ship and hot-tail it out of there. Koris is saved!

Rannoch: Geth Fighter Squadrons

Once we were back on the Normandy, we decided that we missed the scenery on Rannoch and immediately returned. We were charged with heading down there, accessing the geth servers and taking them down to disrupt their fighter squadrons.

What followed was a really weird level that reminded me an awful lot of the movie The Lawnmower Man... only without Pierce Brosnan or that weird surfer dude. We connected Shepard to this VR world Matrix-style and a little VR Shepard began destroying all the orange geth connections with a... a... something. It reminded me of a little VR fire hose. Anyway, it was weird. There was no danger of death though which was a nice change.

We jogged along, severing connections and accessing snippets of recordings which were mildly interesting. It was actually quite therapeutic putting out these little orange blocks with my VR hose.

Things got a tad trickier later on when some of the connections began regenerating after I hosed them. This was remedied by hosing some smaller connections higher up. It did get a bit tiresome after a while but eventually Little VR Shepard + Little VR Hose = No more geth connections. Go me!

Weirdness over, the geth fighter squadrons could no longer communicate and we headed back to the Normandy.

Shepard decided a trip back to The Citadel was long overdue and we managed to crap out a few lingering sidequests. Once these distractions were out of the way though, the pull of the beautiful vistas of Rannoch were too great and we headed back. Time for our main Rannoch mission!

Tune in next time when Shepard enters the Normandy system via VR and accidentally destroys Joker's file of robot porn.

Mr. Carnelian

07-10-2017, 09:12 PM

Wahey, the Rannoch segment! Definitely one of the strongest segments of the game, I'd say.

Bubba

08-02-2017, 03:07 PM

Priority: Rannoch

OK, time for the Billy Big-Bollocks mission on Rannoch!

Tali was tagging along for this mission as it was her home and I dunno... maybe she left the iron on or something. Anyway, there was a Reaper base here that had been controlling all the geth. We couldn't bomb the base from orbit because of some pesky jamming towers. It was our job to land on Rannoch, point one of those laser pens at the target and then let the orbiting team do the rest. Let's do this!

It was full-on from minute one. Geth troopers were everywhere like ants at a picnic. Like most things though, they don't particularly enjoy taking a full load to the face... apart from you reading this at the minute. Yes you, you filth-bag heathen.

We need to climb up to get into the facility here. To achieve this, our team play a little game of Ledges and Ladders - the widely-criticised sequel to Snakes and Ladders which contained none of the snakes and none of the fun. Luckily, there were a few geth to kill along the way to break up the monotony.

A tricky situation then arose where we approached a section that was on two levels full of nasty, horrible geth. I had a sudden stroke of genius and used sabotage on the below enemies. While they were busy tearing each other apart, I calmly proceeded to the top deck and took out the rest of them. Onwards!

The next bit was kind of the same... but different. Instead of up & down, the enemies were left & right. Man, my descriptions suck, don't they? We come out in the middle of an area and there are two corridors full of enemies. One to the left and one to the right. If you have trouble picturing it then think about the song Stuck in the Middle With You by Stealer's Wheel. Specifically the line "Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right..." But not our Joker, you know? Holy crap, Bubba. Shut up.

Once this group was cleared, a message suddenly pops up telling us to 'Survive'. Wow, thanks game. I would have really struggled to know what to do next if you hadn't told me, cheers pal. As it turns out, surviving became a lot harder as we were faced with Geth Pyros, rocket troopers and finally a Geth Prime. Eeesh. We survived though. They didn't :cool:

We activated a couple of consoles before proceeding further up the facility via an escalator. Here we were greeted by three Geth Primes. Lovely Jubbly. Fortune was on our side however, as we picked up a heavy-duty geth gun called the Spitfire (Though I nicknamed it the 'Geth Death' because I'm hilarious). Being a heavy weapon, it did heavy damage and the three were soon toppled like a drunken bachelorette party in high heels.

We arrive outside on a balcony overlooking the facility. Our previous activating of consoles had removed the barrier and we were now free to point our laser pen at the target and the orbital team can do the rest. A ship flies into view, takes aim and TALLY HO! The facility is hit by a blast only... only...

SH*T THE SMURFING BED.

Yeah, the reaper base isn't a reaper base. IT'S A MOTHER-SMURFIN' REAPER! Shepard bravely runs in the opposite direction as fast as he can. The beautifully resourceful Legion has commandeered a geth drop ship for us all to escape on. It had a handy gun turret on the back and Shepard spent a couple of fruitless minutes firing the equivalent of a BB Gun at a freight train.

Then BOOOOOMMM! The Reaper is hit in the arse by an orbital strike and the big dude was down! Legion informs us that we should have enough time to escape before the Reaper has chance to recover. A cool cut-scene then plays where Shepard basically goes "HELL NAW! We're gonna finish this!" He syncs up the Normandy and the Quarian fleet to his laser pen and here we go. Time to kick ass!!!

Death. So much death. My death. A lot of it.

It must be said, Reapers definitely have the advantage when it comes to one-on-one fights against humans. Roll left then die, roll right then die, stay still then die. It was an embarrassment. I eventually got used to the patterns with Crash Bandicoot-style trial-and-error. Eventually, the Quarian fleet and the Normandy homed in on my laser pen light and delivered a lethal strike from orbit. Hooray!!

Holy mother-of-all-decisions time now. We can allow Legion to complete an upload upgrading all the geth (which would piss of Tali and the Quarians) or stop Legion which would no doubt lead to retaliation by the geth. Oh man. I allowed the upload as I kinda hoped my paragon level would be high enough to appease the Quarians and...

I was right! I was given a second (paragon) choice which enabled me call a truce between the geth and the Quarians! This incredible act of mediation by Shepard enabled me to acquire both races as War Assets! WHOO HOO!!!!!

Tune in next time when the true identity of the Reapers is revealed to be 'Kevin from accounting' and the invasion of the galaxy turned out to be an elaborate office prank that got way out of hand.

Bubba

08-02-2017, 11:22 PM

Oh man... I royally screwed up the Priority: Thessia mission tonight...

I may never get to sleep with Liara again :ohdear:

theundeadhero

08-02-2017, 11:55 PM

No Liara. No Ashley. Who will you sleep with?

Also, I love that mission. Its super crazy ridiculous hard, though. You didn't mention things I was sure you would mention at the end, and now I'm questioning if that's where they happen at all :p

Bubba

08-03-2017, 06:52 AM

You mean the Priority: Rannoch mission?

You might as well tell me. No doubt I've buggered something up.

Edit: Oh man, I didn't mention Legion's sacrifice! He gave up his life in order for the rest of the geth to become fully sentient.

Bubba

08-03-2017, 03:36 PM

Priority: Thessia

Despite the death of Legion, things were looking up. Neither the Quarians or the geth had perished and they have both agreed to fight the reapers with us. Excellent! Right, I think it's about time to completely f**k things up.

My dear Liara's homeworld of Thessia was under serious attack from those crazy-ass Reapers. Obviously this was unacceptable and Shepard rushes to the aid of the Asari in order to receive some mind-blowing sex save the ancient race.

The familiar sound of sh*t-hitting-fan was clear for all to hear when our dropship landed. Shepard, Liara and Kaiden were sprinted down a ramp to assist some Asari under heavy fire. Within seconds of getting down there the barrier they were conjuring (conjuring? Creating? Casting? Idk...) was destroyed and Husks were pouring through!

Oooh, a gun turret! Time for a spot of husk-hunting. Shepard jumps behind the controls and what do we have here?? There were a load of Brutes heading over the horizon. Shepard shouts "Et Tu Brute?!" and mows them all down. He helps Liara and Kaidan mop up the Husks and we have saved Thessia! Well, not quite. We chat briefly to the Asari Commander Kurin and we need to head to a place called Outpost Tykis. I'm betting that things there will not be all sunshine and roses.

It would be an understatement to say that the buildings on Thessia could use a lick of paint. Unless the theme they were going for was crack den after nuclear explosion. Enemies here were pretty straight-forward. Marauders a-marauding, husks a-husking, banshees a... what now? What the hell is a banshee?

Ahhh, ok. It turns out banshees are mutated Asari that are controlled by the Reapers. Nice. Well no, not nice at all. They are horrible. You know the pain you get when you bang your shin on a coffee table? Well judging by the noise they make, they experience this pain constantly. They teleport around, screaming and trying to kill you. No thanks, game. I'm all good. My ridiculously souped-up sniper eventually took care of it but it was still brown-trousers time.

We proceed into more demolished buildings and there were some Asari snipers under fire from a couple of Cannibals. Oh lovely! We were approaching the Cannibals from behind and they were unaware of our presence :mwahaha: We stealthily stealthed over, stole their pocket money and gave them a wedgie... before killing them to death.

We help the snipers clear out the area the other side of them and...sweet! An even better sniper rifle! A bit further along there was an Asari soldier in a spot of bother. Her platoon/regiment/people-she-was-with were all dead. You're in the company of Commander Shepard now, love. All is well.

To be honest, I didn't actually need to do an awful lot. The lone Asari called for help on her radio and an Asari gunship showed up and blasted everything to sh*t. It was taken out straight after but still, cheers for the help dudes!

There was a clusterf**k of enemies further up the slope. Husks, Ravagers, Marauders, banshees (shudder) and two flappy-ass Harvesters. This was not as troublesome as it sounds, surprisingly. The fact that I spent 90% of the time behind cover may have been the reason for this... *Shepard uses Unity again* "Come on, guys. Put some effort into it"

At the very top of the slope was the Asari temple. Ooooh, fancy! There were lots of old Asari artefacts on display along with a huge statue. Luckily, Shepard has an in-built Prothean beacon radar and calmly tells Liara that this huge statue is one of them. Wasn't expecting that one! The beacon also thinks Shepard is a Prothean and basically says "Come touch my artefacts... come turn me on". We run around touching all the old Asari stuff and the beacon is revealed!

Oooooohhhhh!!!!!! It's similar to the beacon found on Mars and would appear to explain why the Asari are the most advanced race in the galaxy! Here was me thinking they were just more evolved than us. They've been scumming Prothean technology to advance themselves, the sneaky bastards!

Anyway, the beacon spits out an old Prothean AI and we're on the cusp of gaining the information we need to complete the Crucible and kick the Reapers to the kerb! There appeared to be one more monkey in the wrench though... Kai Leng. Looks like we'll have one more boss battle before this mission is through.

Before fisticuffs though, he shows us a familiar face. The Illusive Man! He too is after the information contained in the beacon. Over my dead body, pal! Realising that my dead body was a distinct possibility, I thought I'd be cautious in the coming fight.

CLEARLY THIS WAS THE WRONG APPROACH. I managed to get his shields down a couple of times but he just regenerated and before I knew it he'd done a runner WITH OUR CRUCIBLE INFO and we were left to watch the destruction of the Asari planet of Thessia... what have I done? Please tell me this happens regardless and I haven't smurfed up in a huge way??

Tune in next time when Shepard buys Liara some chocolates in order to apologise for letting millions of her people die and her planet be destroyed.

Mr. Carnelian

08-03-2017, 11:08 PM

Don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong. Thessia's just doomed. :)

Bubba

08-10-2017, 12:08 PM

Priority: Horizon

Following my horrible failure on Thessia, it was time to dust ourselves off then kick some Cerberus arse. There's no way they're getting away with causing pain to my darling Liara. You better put some lotion on, boys... because you're about to get a spanking!

Traynor managed to track Kai Leng to a Cerberus-owned facility called Horizon. We head on over there and like most locations at this point in the game... it's a sh*t tip. There's fire and debris everywhere and this only gets worse as a Cerberus drop ship crashes right near us and spews out a few goons. Oooh yeah, I'm just itching for a good fight... bring it on!

We take them out with ease and enter the facility. There are a few PDA's dotted around and also a video log from ol' perky-ass, Miranda! It seems she's tracked her sister here and suspects that her father had a hand in her disappearance. Talk about a Family Feud! "I'll take 'Daddy issues' for 200, Alex!" Hang on, that's Jeopardy isn't it? Ignore me.

The next area has a guy relaxing on a lilo in the middle of a huge swimming pool. No wait, he's dead... and it isn't a pool. Well, whatever this large body of water is, we press a switch to drain it. There's nowhere to go except into the newly-drained pool which contained some Reaper tech... possibly a snow-cone maker. There was also a secret passage in the empty pool. Onward!

We arrive at a new room and are tasked with turning on the power. This is all very Resident-Evil, so far! We access a nearby computer and holy sh*t... Cerberus are bad, bad people. I mean, we already knew this BUT STILL. This 'sanctuary' was just a facility for Cerberus to turn all the refugees into Husks!

The next room has another console where we see Miranda and her sister being pursued by that walking vomit-stain, Kai Leng. I hope we're not too late to tear this guy a new one. HUSKS! A lot of them. I suppose this was expected considering the amount of refugees that would have been turned here. I refused to think about them as former people though... they were now smelly husks so I went pew! pew! Bish bash bosh. Job done.

We then bust up an anger management meeting between a couple of marauders, a banshee and a ravager. Clearly their meetings aren't going very well as they seemed very angry. Luckily for them, their meetings will no longer be required as I took them out... and I don't mean for a steak and a nice bottle of shiraz.

We descend some stairs into a room with a couple more audio logs from Miranda's troublesome Dad. I scan the rest of the room and legitimately nearly soiled myself when I approached a window... there was a banshee on the other side literally inches from my face. Smurf off, Horizon with your Resident Evil-style scares!

A new room, a new set of ugly-faced, freak-shows to deal with... and deal with them I did :cool:. A new PDA gives us a big reveal... Miranda's Dad is working for the Illusive Man! Well yeah, I'd kind of already figured that out but thanks anyway, game. Mr Lawson and Charlie Sheen's Dad were discussing their experiments which changed refugees into Husks. It's strange they would leave this incriminating evidence just lying around on a desk but hey ho.

We pushed on and an interesting 'double-corridor' fight took place. Cannibals down the left one, Ravagers to the right (Everyone! "Here I am, stuck in the middle with you!!"). I berated Tali and Garrus as they kept walking in front of the Ravagers and getting killed. Then I remembered I'm the Commander and should be telling them where to go. OK fine, I'll do that... though I would've thought "don't walk into a barrage of oncoming fire" is common sense. This was certainly a dangerous corridor so when I downed what I thought was the last enemy... I waited. Just to make sure. Eventually, the game flashed me a message saying "Search the Perimeter" which is another way of saying "Get a move on, you smurfing coward."

Final battle time! We activate a little platform taking us to the other side of the facility only to find three brutes and a banshee... which sounds like the name of a Norwegian death metal band. A combination of Garrus' Overload, Tali's combat drone and my awesomeness were enough to nullify the threat. Lovely!

We hear gunfire from the next room... it turns out the Lawson Jeopardy/Family Feud was in full swing! Daddy Lawson had his daughter (Oriana) held hostage while Miranda was standing off. Tense! Will Mr Lawson make it out of this Family Feud alive? Our survey says...

III ERRR!!! Or, whatever the noise for an incorrect answer is on Family Feud in your respective country. Fun fact: In the UK, the show is called Family Fortunes. The more you know :monster:

Anyway, back to this game I'm playing. Shepard manages to convince her Dad to let Oriana go. Yey, no-one dies! Miranda had other ideas though and biotic-punched her Dad through a glass window and he fell to what I'm sure was a horrible, splattery death. Ah well, they didn't sound that close anyway. Mission completed!

Tune in next time when George R R Martin is drafted in to write the end of ME:3 resulting in the destruction of the entire universe.

theundeadhero

08-10-2017, 09:13 PM

Did you see the videos with the origin of EDI? That came as a surprise to me.

Bubba

08-10-2017, 11:16 PM

Did you see the videos with the origin of EDI? That came as a surprise to me.

Not on Horizon! I did see them tonight though. Just finished Priority: Cerberus Headquarters. Lots of interesting reveals!

Should have it typed up tomorrow :D

theundeadhero

08-11-2017, 03:36 AM

Oh yeah, I thought that was Horizon, but I guess it is HQ. I remembered wrong :p

Bubba

08-11-2017, 08:47 AM

A quick update before I dive into the next mission!

There was a lovely scene with Tali in the Normandy bar area after the last mission. She was sat getting wasted by inhaling booze through a straw/ventilation port. It was pretty damn hilarious! It was also quite sweet as she expressed how much she liked and respected Miranda. A touching scene... not that kind of touching you filthy cretins.

Also, it appears my previous dalliances with Jack and flirting with... well, everyone... has not dampened Liara's feelings towards me. She came to my quarters. We sat on the bed. There was definite touching and yes... that kind of touching. She told me she loved me, I told her I liked her as a friend and then we bonked the night away. Happy times :)

Bubba

08-14-2017, 11:36 AM

Priority: Cerberus headquarters

OK. We've found the Illusive Man's hideout at the arse-end of some galaxy. We need to recover the Prothean VI which holds the key to completing the Crucible that should enable us to finally defeat the Reapers.

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Good.

EDI is a mandatory part of the squad for this escapade and I also bring Garrus for his sexy voice. A quick Skype to Admiral Hackett reveals that attempting this mission will let the Reapers know about our plans with the Crucible. I thought it was strange that the Hack man gave me a choice of proceeding or waiting. Ahhhhh, this must be the ol' point of no return. Well, I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Let's go!

Joker gets us in close and we shuttle our way into the hangar. I was foolishly hoping we would take them by surprise and they would all be taking coffee breaks or something... no such luck. We were met by Troopers, Centurions, a Nemesis and a damn Atlas Mech.

The hangar was huge and had limited cover but it wasn't too tough. They seemed to have borrowed a smoke machine from the 80's rock band Van Halen as I could barely see any of them. Luckily, I thought it prudent to update a lot of my weapons prior to this mission and my sniper had a smoke-scope thingy... nowhere to hide, f**knuts! I saved the mech till last and thoroughly enjoyed sniping the pilot through the cockpit window.

My glorious victory was short-lived however. Once the hangar was clear, EDI told me "We need to deactivate the hangar vent". No worries, Just gonna have a little scout around of the area. "Shepard , we need to deactivate the hangar vent." OK fine, where is it? "Shepard, the hangar vent needs deactivating." WHERE IS IT, YOU METAL DICK?!!

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Oh for f**ks sake.

Fortunately, we re-spawned after the hectic hangar battle and I managed to find some well hidden ladders up to... well would you look at this!! A deactivation point for the hangar vent! Cheers EDI, you could have told me it was on the upper level. I wasn't happy with that death, especially considering there was no timer :mad2:

Activating the vent alerted more troops to us. I was in a bad mood now so I wasn't taking any sh*t. We blew the troopers away and made our way down a couple of ladders. My spirits lifted slightly when I was able to fiddle with some rotation controls and send a Cerberus ship hurtling through a set of closed hangar doors. Pretty cool, game. More stuff like this please :-)

The fiery hole it left behind just happened to be the perfect size for an Atlas Mech to come sauntering through. Do Atlas Mechs saunter? I dunno but this one did. The anger from that sneaky death was still burning inside me though and I dispatched him and his cronies, ruthlessly. I mean seriously... I was ruthless. There was literally no ruth to be seen anywhere. That chick has gone, scarpered, disappeared.

Like a turd after a curry, we passed through the burning hole and found ourselves in a series of rooms with terminals giving us some interesting insights. We learn a bit more about the Lazarus Project which is the only reason I'm still playing this game. I appreciate your efforts, everyone! Also, EDI's origins were revealed to be from the Rogue VI that we dealt with way back in ME1! She'd been engineered with additional Reaper tech too. I did enjoy that link back to the original game.

Anyway, we jump down a random blue hole because it seemed like the right thing to do and find ooooohhhh! It's the leftovers of the Terminator boss we fought at the end of ME2! Thankfully he's still well and truly deaded and we just had to deal with Nemeses and Phantoms on these awkward catwalks. Popping in-and-out of cover with my trusty sniper soon had the way forward clear.

We climbed right up to the top and eventually entered... The Illusive Man Room! You know the one, when he Skype's you he's always sat in that chair with stuff in the background. Yeah, you know the one. It's the picture after every single mission you complete in ME2. Anyway, we're here and guess who isn't home? Yup, Mr Illusive himself. Illusive indeed.

He bing-bongs us on Skype though and some serious sh*t gets revealed. Are you guys and gals ready?? The Illusive Man is attempting to control the Reapers which just sounds... stupid. We try our best to convince him of how stupid he's being but it clearly doesn't work. Ahh, forget talking to this prick, we find the Prothean VI and The Illusive Man does a runner.

The VI has some earth-shattering information... and earth-shattering is definitely the appropriate term to use. The Catalyst thing that is due to destroy the Reapers is in fact... The Citadel! To make matters a million times worse, The Illusive Man knows this and is heading there now. He's also alerted the Reapers who in turn have taken control of the Citadel and moved it. Before the location was revealed I found I already knew the answer... Earth.

I barely had time to digest all this when we are suddenly faced with that damp tuft of rectal pubic hair... Kai Leng. Surely now, it was time for this :bou::bou::bou::bou:'s demise.

Eeek, the fight starts with the prick running straight at me and I'm pretty sure he wasn't going to give me a hug. We do a bit of grappling before I manage to break away and then leg it to the other side of the room. I knew this guy would be tough! I used Overload a lot and tried sniping him from a distance. This seemed to work because he stopped to regenerate his shields and summoned a swarm of troopers to keep us busy. I tried to take these out first but found that just running around and keeping focus on Kai Leng seemed to be doing the trick. The battle became even tougher when he started summoning Phantoms and Nemeses to help him but eventually (and following a few Shepard deaths)... we clear the room and Kai Leng is dead!!

Oh wait, no he isn't. He's still moving and somehow sneaks up on me from behind. Oh man... there was a renegade interrupt option here and I have never been more tempted to press one. I seriously just wanted to gut this guy. Everything turned out rosy though as Shepard dodges the attack, turns around and sticks a blade right in his stomach! Damn... I wonder what the renegade option was then?

Anyway, mission over and all that's left now is a journey to the Citadel and see if we can save Earth!

Tune in next time when this thread which started at the dawn of time may finally be coming to a conclusion.

Bubba

08-14-2017, 11:44 AM

Awww, there was also a lovely moment back on the Normandy. I spoke to everyone and they all seemed very focussed on what we needed to do. Everyone except Tali and Garrus who were touching each other up in one of the rooms! You go, you two! Get some!

Skyblade

08-14-2017, 01:48 PM

FS6JomvKxhs

Well worth it.

Bubba

08-23-2017, 03:31 PM

Priority: Earth

Well, it's finally arrived. After over a year of typing up an LP for these three games, we're finally at the end... for those of you still reading anyway :lol:

An epic cut-scene plays showing us arriving at Earth. All of us. All the races I'd managed to unite in an attempt to kick the Reapers into oblivion. I was very proud of the fact that there were so many of us and I felt a little emotional. Go me! *sobs* I pull myself together in time for the start of the mission though. Come on! One last fight!

Here's the situation: The Reapers have control of the Citadel and they have managed to close the thing up. This poses a serious problem for us as there is no way we can dock with it and try and activate this Crucible. Commander Anderson has a plan though. There is a facility on Earth (London, to be precise) which allows the Reapers to 'beam up' to the Citadel, Star Trek-style. Unfortunately, this facility is being guarded by a big-ass Reaper (that is, a large-in-size Reaper... not a Reaper in the shape of a plump bum) and there was no way to take it down from the air due to interference or something. That only leaves us with one option... Shepard will lead a ground assault and face these f**kers head-on.

London has clearly seen better days. Cortez flies us into what looks a bit like a train station... and this station was Prick Central. We hadn't even landed and already I was having my shield reduced by Cannibals and Marauders. Ooooh, let me at 'em!

I seemed to have picked up a snazzy rifle from somewhere because the one I was using was awesome. It was very similar to the sniper rifle (damage-wise) but I could use it a number of times in quick succession. Cue lots of falling Reaper goons. I would have made quicker work of them all but there is some weird blue cannon that keeps going off in the distance causing the ground to shake. It was like trying to snipe whilst sat on a high-speed tumble dryer.

We slowly creep up this hill whilst taking out goons that were trying to flank us. "I see you there hiding behind that barrel, you sneaky bastard!" Shepard would yell... or at least he should have. I did.

We were greeted at the top of the hill by a couple of Brutes. I was pretty sure they weren't there for autographs so I wasted no time in taking them down. The normal goons were more annoying though as they kept circling around in an attempt to penetrate from behind. Only Kaidan has permission to that, you ugly :bou::bou::bou::bou:s.

Once we'd disposed of these freakazoids, we were tasked with locating one of our drop ships that had crashed. Apparently, it was carrying some juicy weaponry which will enable us to take out that weird blue reaper cannon I told you about before (if you were paying attention :colbert:).

We head up a nearby 'rubble ramp' and our path to the wrecked shuttle was blocked by even more agents of ugliness. This time, we had a ravager to deal with, he kind of looks like a less-colourful version of Mr. Blobby... with none of the slapstick humour associated with that comedy legend.

We clear out the goons before finally arriving at the downed ship and sure enough... an M-920 is sat there waiting for us to give its trigger a tickle. I assume I only get one shot with this thing. Luckily, the weird blue reaper cannon is literally right next to us and it's huuuuuuuge. You'd have to be a special kind of incompetent if you were to miss from here. I take aim and BOOM! The Reaper Cannon is an ex-Reaper Cannon!

This was the most joyous of news as it meant it was now safe for a drop ship to arrive and complete our extraction. Of course, it was never gonna be that simple. A Banshee was stalking us and a gaggle of Cannibals were trying to flank us. I took down the Banshee but was completely pinned down by the chuffing Cannibals. That drop ship extraction would be handy right about now!

Oh, you are taking the piss. The drop ship pilot either hates us or is a complete f**ktard. He decides the best place to land is on the other side of the Cannibals. What a prick.

I bring up my special menu to see what power I can blast them with and oh! I have a rare moment of inspiration! I realized this was the perfect opportunity to wear Harry's Cloak of Invisibility my tactical cloak. I leg it past the bewildered Cannibals and make it safely into the warm, cosy drop ship. Mission over and game finished!

Well, not quite. We find ourselves at the forward command base and we had a bit of down time. THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM. There were some familiar faces loitering about here. My favourite was my old pal Urdnot Wrex. He was busy giving an uplifting speech to the Krogan. I decided to stand directly in front of him and stare because I am a crazy cat.

Shepard then gives a stirring speech of his own to the Normandy crew and we are finally ready for the final battle/assault/thing.

Tune in tomorrow (or ten days from now... or whenever I can be arsed typing up the end) for the exciting conclusion to Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures!

Mr. Carnelian

08-23-2017, 04:38 PM

So close to the end! I think my favourite "last chance to talk before the trout goes down" might be with Garrus. Just like old times, you bird-thing with a metallic exoskeleton, you. :whimper:

theundeadhero

08-23-2017, 06:46 PM

I'm not sure if you caught it, but there's like a ?telephone? thing where you can call all your buddies not their on Earth at the moment. Some good moments all around there though. I can't wait to hear how much you cuss at different parts of the last mission, though!

Bubba

08-23-2017, 06:58 PM

Oh yeah! I did catch those bits!

Some dude was manning a phone and asked if there's anyone I'd like to contact. I had some lovely conversations with Jacob, Samara, Miranda and best of all Jack. She does look really hot with her new haircut.

I'm gonna smurf my way through everyone on my Renegade playthrough

Bubba

08-23-2017, 10:54 PM

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Bubba

08-24-2017, 08:51 AM

It's all over.

I was gonna wrap this up in one update but I've changed my mind. It'll be one post for the lead-up to the end... then one for the ending.

Buckle up!

Freya

08-24-2017, 02:40 PM

Was that dafuq for the ending? xD

Mr. Carnelian

08-24-2017, 02:50 PM

Unpopular opinion: I quite like the ending. But, to each their own. There are definitely problems with it.

Bubba

08-25-2017, 02:19 PM

Priority: End of Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

Well, I expected things to be tasty... and they were! Not just gammon-egg-and-chips tasty... but Chinese-duck-pancakes-with-cucumber-spring-onion-and-hoisin-sauce tasty!

A year of honing my skills on these games have turned me into a c**t-killing bad-ass. I now effortlessly switch from sniper to rifle to shotgun and mow down all comers. My dear Liara was on hand with her maxed-out biotic powers and Tali was on hand with her super-handy combat/defence drones. Good to go!

All you mako-haters from ME1 must have thoroughly enjoyed the start of this mission. We advance under cover of a pair of gung-ho mako bad boys. It does not end well for them. The first one gets blown up and the second one is inconveniently set on fire by a Harvester. Oh dear.

I've decided that Banshees are my most hated enemy in the entire Mass Effect series. Their scream is horrible and just when I have them in my sights, they teleport away. NO. STOP IT. I took this f***er down first to get him out of the way. The Harvester on the other hand, was a very good boy. Whose-a-good-boy?!! You-are!! Oooshaboo!! Yeah, he just sat there and let me shoot him. *pats his corpse on the head when walking past*

We get a call from a nearby patrol saying they need our help. Of course you do. We head into a building and end up in a parking garage. We happen upon a group of husks huddled around a barrel fire singing There Are Two Kinds of Love. They don't take kindly to being interrupted and charge at us. These guys are a piece of piss now but they were soon joined by a couple of Brutes. I hid behind an old jeep in the corner and kept myself on the opposite side to them. We did the dance-around-the-car-dance until I finished them off with my shotgun.

We climb a ladder to somebody's swanky apartment. Well, I'm sure it used to be swanky before the invasion of huge, horrible killing machines. Stepping out onto the street disturbed another husk singing troupe. These pricks were singing Dancing Queen so I threw all my grenades at them as quickly as I could.

We made our way down the street taking out Marauders and Ravagers. Suddenly, a Brute burst out of a Hooters (the dirty dawg) and took down my shield. Run away! Cue much scrabbling by me before retreating and taking him down from a distance.

Right, what followed was a lot of killing and advancing. I'm going to save you the blow-by-blow account though. Some of the locations (full of reaper uglies) featured: A retail shop (possibly HMV), a cute little square (a little tapas bar here would be lovely) and a restaurant dining room (where the only thing being 'served' were the Reapers :lol:). Holy crap, I'm hilarious.

After the restaurant was a long alleyway which looked suspiciously empty. Maybe I'm being pessimistic. The game might be giving me a little break before the next horrible thing arrives... NOPE. We arrive at the end of the alley when two Brutes come smashing into the alley giving us nowhere to go.

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Obviously, we do a quick 180 and sprint back to the other end of the alley to take refuge. Methinks they'll have a slight advantage when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. Hide, overload, hide, snipe... job done.

OK, we arrive at (what turns out to be) the final big section of uglies. Here's the lowdown: We're still trying to reach the conduit which will beam us up to the Citadel. Unfortunately, it's being guarded by the biggest Reaper you've ever seen. Luckily, the place we've just arrived at is home to a couple of huge rocket launchers... both facing towards the big boy! We just had to run about the area like headless chickens, protect the launchers, and kill anything that moves. Hoooo boy.

I'm not going to detail all my deaths here but rest assured... I died A LOT. The first wave was manageable with just Marauders and stuff. Next came a couple of Brutes which I stupidly took care of using a nearby one-shot Hydra cannon. Yeah, I should have saved that for the next wave...

Sh*t the smurfing bed. The final wave consisted of SIX Brutes, THREE Banshees and a Harvester. Speaking of final waves, I gave mine A LOT here. A LOT. Did I mention how much I hate Banshees? Well I do. I really do. I don't think I'd even finished killing everything when EDI pipes up saying that the rockets were ready to fire. About smurfing time!

I leg it over there, activate the controls and BOOM! The rocket fires and hits the Reaper right in the... red dot thing, whatever that is. It's not completely down but the Conduit is exposed! More legging it ensued as we all dashed for the Conduit. Allies were disintegrating left, right and centre as the Reaper kept blasting away with his big, red beam thingy. Suddenly, the screen turns white and... I honestly thought I was dead.

Not quite as it turns out! We wake up looking like absolute s**t BUT... we were only yards from the Conduit! Man, this is exciting! We stagger over like a drunken Irishman, occasionally shooting the odd Reaper with some very shakey aiming. Despite a few stumbles along the way, we drag ourselves over and into the Conduit.

Stay with me... we're almost there!

Mr. Carnelian

08-25-2017, 02:47 PM

That section where you're holding out against the waves of enemies is intense. Hands down the hardest section in all of the Mass Effect games, I'd say.

Bubba

08-25-2017, 03:56 PM

Priority: F**k the f**king ending, man. F**k it.

We materialise in (though I wasn't sure at first) The Citadel. There were bodies lying everywhere like a party at Charlie Sheen's house. It appears that Anderson had gotten here first and was tapping away at some console. Wait for me, man!

Shepard limps forward and up a walkway eventually arriving in a huge room (which kinda looks like Professor X's Cerebro place) with our pal Anderson still tap-tap-tapperooing. It turns out he's actually being controlled by none other than... The Intrusive Man!

It's at this moment where I would like to remove any further recollection of Mass Effect 3 as it did its very best (but luckily not managing) to ruin the entire series for me. It has to be said, this is partially due to my own stupidity but anyway... here we go.

The Erosive Man (who looks epic as half-reaper, btw) is still giving his verbal diarrhoea about trying to control the Reapers. He then decides he quite likes the look of Anderson's sidearm. He removes it from its holster and points it straight at Anderson's temple. A renegade interrupt flashes up! Nah, I'm not falling for that. I know how this works. Shepard will keep him talking until the paragon interrupt option appea... NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

How am I only given a renegade interrupt?!! I thought I was a goodie :( When a second renegade interrupt flashed up I didn't hesitate. He tried shooting me but of course... we get there first. Yeah! Burn in imaginary fiery, sub-world you bastard!

Shepard is literally on his last legs now and it really doesn't look good for him. I always thought he might die for the cause in the end. After a quick comm link to his pals outside, Shepard opens up the arms of the Citadel and docks with the Crucible. OK ending, let's see what you've got.

We are approached my that annoying little boy from my dreams. Well, Shepard's dreams... I don't dream about little boys. He turns out to be the Catalyst (or a human representation of it, at least) and he has some interesting news... we can actually control the Reapers! The scrawny little dude is about to present me with three options...

Option 1: Destroy the Reapers
Option 2: Control the Reapers
Option 3: Synthesis

The last option was interesting and was indeed very tempting. We synch together organic and Reaper/geth life into one new species. Hmmm, interesting. But I've come all this way trying to destroy the pricks and dammit that's what I'm going to do.

I guide an increasingly-shakey Shepard up a nearby ramp. There were three paths to explore so we'll get the uphill ascent out of the way first, otherwise Shepard might not even make it. We get to the first option and... prepare yourselves for some incredible stupidity on my part.

I arrive there to find a 'control panel'. Instead of thinking "OK, this is the 'control' option. I'll go check out the others". I instead thought "Oh look, a control panel. I must be able to choose one of the three options by just accessing this terminal."

Wrong.

Yup, I had inadvertently triggered the wrong ending. What a f**king idiot. Shepard melts into a load of weird blue stuff, and huge pulse of blue energy bursts out across the galaxy. Let's see how much of a f**k-up I've made.

Initially, things look OK. The Reapers stop reaping and leave Earth... cue much rejoicing from any poor sod that is left alive. Then things go downhill quite quickly. The pulse of energy manages to destroy every single Mass Relay in the galaxy. Also, Joker is suddenly flying the Normandy away from one of the Mass Relay explosions. He's furiously pressing buttons on the console like he's playing Track and Field after taking a tonne of drugs. He manages to escape and crash-land on a nearby planet.

Joker emerges from the wreckage followed by Liara (who was on my team heading to the Conduit, remember!) and finally Garrus. They take in their surroundings and the camera pans cinematically away and the game ends.

You can imagine my surprise at the suddenness of the ending. I sat there for about ten minutes trying to digest what I'd just seen. I was then overcome with anger (both at the game and my own stupidity) and decided I wanted to see the ending if I'd done what I meant to do and destroyed the Reapers. *Pulls up Youtube*

What? WHAT?! You get the same f**king ending! Oh wait, no. It's a f**king red pulse instead of a blue one. Relays destroyed, (okay, Reapers as well this time) Joker flys away, crashes on jungle planet. Even more annoyed I then watched the Synthesis ending.

Are you taking the f**king piss? A green pulse, relays destroyed, Joker flys away, crashes on Jungle planet.

I was awake for an hour thinking about this before falling asleep. My next post is basically a s**t-list of everything wrong with what just happened. Mr Carnelian - feel free to try and explain how you could possibly like that ending. It literally had me like...

:colbert:

:doublecolbert:

:Freybert:

Mr. Carnelian

08-25-2017, 04:00 PM

Freya

08-25-2017, 04:23 PM

If you destroy them your shepard has a *BREATH* moment, otherwise yer ded.

Mr. Carnelian

08-25-2017, 04:40 PM

If you destroy them your shepard has a *BREATH* moment, otherwise yer ded.

Well, if you do the "Control" ending you don't exactly "die", just become the incorporeal Reaper Queen/King. So, the only one in which you're DEFINITELY dead is the Synthesis ending.

Bubba

08-25-2017, 04:51 PM

Take it you didn't get the free "Extended Ending" DLC? Feel free to look up the Extended Ending cutscenes on youtube.

Also, the relays are only permanently destroyed if you done goofed (again, that might be with the Ending DLC downloaded, I forget).

Yeah, I really need to get the DLC because I am not a happy bunny. Not one bit.

If you destroy them your shepard has a *BREATH* moment, otherwise yer ded.

Yeah, I saw that on one of the endings on YouTube. Lame. That's your reward for doing everything right? Shepard inhaling? No.

Ok, where shall I start?

- How about some closure? I've been journeying with these characters for over a year and I've grown to love (most of) them. I want to know what happens to everyone.
- Will Liara be able to move on without me?
- Do Garrus and Liara have babies together on her home world?
- Do Wrex and wifey have the baddest Krogans EVER?
- Do Joker and EDI have weird cyberbabies?
- Does Jacob do the dirty again?
- Will Miranda's bum ever start sagging?
No, we don't get any of this. Just Shepard taking a breath. That could have been his last for all I know! What happens to everyone, game?!!

- What happens now the Mass Relays are f**ked? OK, the DLC might address this but... every smurfing member of every smurfing race are currently at Earth trying to win the war. How do they get back home? Oh, I'm sure Earth has the resources to put everyone up. No worries.

- Why was Liara on the Normandy with Joker when she was on the Conduit mission with me like ten minutes earlier? OK, the passage of time is unclear but it's still very jarring. Surely she wouldn't just abandon me and fly off into the sunset with Joker? Bitch.

- Also, why was the Normandy running away when every other ship was still fighting a good fight? Why didn't it hang around to, I don't know... MAKE SURE I WAS ALL RIGHT.

Ok, I had more but I don't want to whinge too much. I think I'm just upset because it's all very fresh. I can honestly say it's one of the best game series I've ever played. It was sooo good. This is why I'm upset because I was fully invested in every character and it didn't tell me anything. I just feel cheated.

Freya

08-25-2017, 05:03 PM

Yeah so just ignore that ending and the game is pretty good. Those are the same questions everyone asked.

Bubba

08-25-2017, 07:41 PM

I'm trying my best to ignore it!

It's a shame because I'd say ME:3 was at least on par with ME:2 up until that point. Still excited to play through them all again. I'm gonna make damn sure I have all the DLC this time.

theundeadhero

08-25-2017, 08:12 PM

Closure is a personal choice and it would be impossible to show what happens to everyone. Although, if you chose the renegade option EDI is destroyed along with all the other stuff, so there's that.

Now that the mass relays are fucked, we rebuild them. I guess normal ending doesn't say so, but extended ending does.

Your teammates are on the Normandy because it picked them up and you told it to get the hell out of there before your bright white flash part. That was an extended ending thingy.

Keep whinging.

Mr. Carnelian

08-25-2017, 11:20 PM

Personally, I felt that the Extended Endings gave just about enough closure. The ending still feels a bit rushed, even with the Extended stuff, but it honestly doesn't bother me that much. I'm in the minority on that, though.

Bubba

08-26-2017, 04:59 AM

As soon as I've managed to download American PSN I'm gonna run the ending again with the extended DLC. It seems they've tried their best to fix some of the problems so we'll see. I've had my rant now so I'm gonna try and focus on the positives.

There may be a couple more updates once I've sorted it out. Really excited to try out the Citadel DLC :D

Bubba

05-16-2019, 02:08 PM

Priority: Citadel (DLC)

About f***ing time too.

Since my last post, I have completed the entire trilogy again as renegade Femshep and only now, after saving the galaxy twice in pretty much the exact same way, does Anderson decide that our crew has earned a little R&R... YOU THINK?!!

Anyway, the Citadel DLC is brought to you by Commander Regina Shepard of planet Badass.

76271

Anderson wants to meet me at his apartment on the Citadel... oh aye? Dirty old bastard. I know I shagged about a bit as renegade femshep (Liara, Kelly Chambers and Samantha Traynor if you're interested) but I'm not gonna shack up with any old dude, regardless of military ranking.

Although, entering his apartment I immediately thought that it'd be worth a roll-in-the-hay just to spend the night here. It was swanky as hell! There was a TV bigger than my ego, a grand piano, a poker table and a bar big enough to sustain my stage 1 alcoholism. How the f*** does Anderson deserve this place? I'M the one that saved the galaxy... TWICE! I'M the one that should have this f***ing apartment. I always hated that f***head Anderson, the entitled prick.

It was at this point Anderson appeared on comms and said I could have his apartment. He said he won't really need it anymore. I always liked Anderson. What an absolute gent. I celebrated by getting smashed, beating myself at poker and performing an enthusiastic but completely off-key rendition of Kate Bush's Wuthering Heights.

The rest of the apartment was just Anderson doing Anderson things. It appears he is writing his memoirs as he had 30-second excerpts recorded all over the apartment. Here's an idea mate... why not keep them all in one place? Tsk. Anderson also had an interview of himself on repeat on the kitchen TV. F***s sake man, get over yourself.

New pad explored, we receive a message from Joker (yey!) asking me to meet him for sushi (boo!). I'll tolerate a plate of anti-food if it means a catch-up with Joker. Off we trot!

This being a traditional Japanese sushi restaurant I was ushered to the front of the line by an irritating French man. I took my seat next to Joker who was on fine form. It was nice being back with the crew even if it was just one of them! I was mid-joke about my spectre status warranting two umbrellas in our cocktails when a panicky woman called Brooks approached the table. She'd come to warn us that there are people trying to kill us! Being completely unperturbed by this non-new information I returned to my plate of food... my stone-cold fish with vinegared rice wrapped in seaweed. Then a bunch of guys burst in and started shooting the place to sh*t which quite frankly came as something of a relief.

Turns out Brooks was right, they grab her and demand to see Shepard. Careful what you wish for, pal! I make Joker go and grab the crew and pull out my trusty pistol. Time to wreck some goons! That was the plan anyway... but I haven't played this game in nearly two years. I was quite startlingly bad. I ran out of ammo in about 30 seconds with the majority of my bullets hitting the sushi bar. I then rushed at the remaining goons with an attempt at melee which almost resulted in my death. Embarrassing.

Once that sh*tshow was over, Brooks bravely took a bullet for me and I went crashing through the floor/fishtank(?), sliding down a neon sign before crash-landing in a dark room in the Citadel underbelly. Phew!

Brooks gives me a call to say she's ok but is completely off her tits due to consuming all her medi-gel. Wait, you can get high off medi-gel?? I can only assume that due to Shepard being a raging alcoholic that she is immune to such effects.

I jump over a few gaps, down some ladders and find myself in some weird car shop. Looks like I'm shooting some more of these merc troopers. I'm really rusty with these mechanics but luckily the lovely Liara shows up to lend me a hand! She's pretty nice to me too considering I binned her off for younger models in Mass Effect 2 & 3.

We push on further and are eventually ambushed by a dropship full of mercs. Luckily, James arrives and takes them out with all the subtlety of a nuclear explosion. He lights them up with a rocket that almost takes out us and half the bloody Citadel. Cretin.

He was handy to have around in the following firefight though as my pistol skills were still well-and-truly AWOL. I almost die like three times before Steve Cortez eventually shows up to save our arses and whisk as back to my apartment for recovery whiskey and a few lines of medi-gel.

Tune in next time when Shepard is imprisoned and her apartment confiscated following two-years worth of unpaid tax.

theundeadhero

05-16-2019, 06:07 PM

Welcome to the best part of the games! Those were my first time romance choices, too. Traynor is the best!

Bubba

05-16-2019, 08:50 PM

Welcome to the best part of the games! Those were my first time romance choices, too. Traynor is the best!

Agreed! I think it was the accent that did it for me. She piqued my interest on my first playthrough but Male Shep did nothing for her with his dirty old shlong.

Bubba

06-06-2019, 02:12 PM

Priority: Citadel (cont...)

A well-deserved chillax back at Casa del Shepard was the order of the day. I have a nice parle with crew: James has a crush on our new pal Brooks, Javik was hanging around outside my bedroom like a creepy perve... and Tali revealed she used to enjoy watching the marine life through the sushi restaurant window... until I destroyed it half an hour ago.

Anyway, Liara the Shadow Broker extraordinaire has found a lead on my attempted assassination and identity theft. There's a shady bloke called Khan who deals in arms... that's weapons, not limbs... and he owns a casino. ALSO, the casino has an upcoming charity event! Time for some sneaky-sneaky-stealthy-stealthy action. Our excitement was hard to contain! Liara even cracked a joke about a Hanar prostitute with camera implants. Good times :-)

Anyhoo, we rock up at the casino and f*** me... Shepard, Brooks & Garrus on the red carpet might just be the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Brooks heads to the ventilation shaft and it's up to Liara and I to distract the guards and disable alarms & cameras. Game on!

Before that though, we had some mingling to do. I decided my first port of call was to crush it on the dancefloor. What followed was a dazzling fusion of sexy/geeky street dance which left a lifelong impression on any onlookers. I followed this up with some ill-advised gambling... I managed to break even at Quaser before losing spectacularly betting on a three-legged varren named Princess.

OK, Brooks wanted access to a shaft :jokey: so I had to distract some dopey-looking guard. I informed him that some junkie was doing Red Sand in the toilets... the fact that it was Shepard required no explanation.

We then had to disable a sensor & camera which were being watched by a second guard. It was Garrus' turn to distract the guard. Being the charasmatic stud that he is, within two seconds the guard was madly in love and Shepard nipped in to disable the system.

There was another section with multiple terminals and guards that I totally sucked ass at. I'm not gonna talk about that too much as it took me for-f***ing-ever. Let's just skip to the part where we deactivated what we needed and gained access to the panic room.

Oh dear.

It turns out our man Khan is deader than a Saturday night in Salt Lake City. Worse than that, all the data drives have been wiped. The unknown culprit then appears over comms to tell us that he's going to destroy me and everything that I stand for. Considering I stand for alcohol, hookers and red sand... I definitely need to try and stop this guy. We grab the deleted drive and whisk it back to my apartment to see if EDI can salvage anything.

Tune in next time when Shepard kidnaps Princess the three-legged varren and serves her as part of a slap-up barbeque on her balcony.

theundeadhero

06-07-2019, 12:52 PM

Mr. Carnelian

06-08-2019, 12:17 PM

I love the Citadel DLC, so glad you finally got around to it! The casino section is one sticks out in my memory, largely because of the funny one-liners you get in the walk-in scene.

Bubba

08-22-2019, 03:15 PM

I love making Wrex my date for that part. He gives the game something it has been missing for a while, and hearing him complain about what he has to wear, and his distraction methods, are some fun times.

I think I'm gonna have to Youtube that as it sounds HILARIOUS.

I love the Citadel DLC, so glad you finally got around to it! The casino section is one sticks out in my memory, largely because of the funny one-liners you get in the walk-in scene.

It was a great sequence overall. It's just a shame I became distracted again after my last update!

Watch this space. Gonna concentrate and pushing on with this tonight. Update to come tomorrow!

theundeadhero

08-22-2019, 10:29 PM

:hyper:

Bubba

08-30-2019, 02:50 PM

Sorry for the delay... a quick summary of where we're up to.

- Anderson gives us his apartment
- We eat sushi with Joker
- We meet Brooks, she tells us Shepard's been hacked
- Place is shot to sh*t then we break a fishtank
- We kill lots of bad guys then go back to the apartment
- Liara has a lead on who hacked us - Elijah Khan, Casino owner
- We go to the casino and break into Khan's office
- The dude is dead.
- We grab his disk drive and go home

Bubba

08-30-2019, 04:53 PM

Priority: Citadel (cont...)

Back at our swanky apartment, Brooks (who is proving herself very useful, despite being a medi-gel addict) has pulled some data off the disk drive. Apparently, the Mercs who were shooting us won a massive job lot on eBay for some heavy duty ME weapons. They just outbid shelbymustang2017 (100% positive feedback - A+++ ebayer) at the last second.

That still doesn't give us much to... hang on! Glyph pipes up. Shepard's Spectre access code is in use at Citadel Archives, right now! We head to leave only to be confronted by a pizza-delivering Volus with a double pepperoni. You see James, this is why you never get picked to run point. Tsk!

The archives are on lock-down so we decide to take the Barret-busting-into-Shinra-HQ approach. Unsurprisingly, we are immediately in a firefight. It's a pretty easy win but Brooks undoes all her hardwork by getting herself captured. By... wtf... by me?!! It turns out Cerberus had a second Shepard (we'll call her Anti-Shep) created so they could harvest her for spare limbs and stuff if Main-Shep got hurt. Kinda reminds me of that film The Island with Ewan McGregor, remember that? Yeah, me neither.

This new Shepard is NOT friendly so my thoughts immediately turn to a Shepard/Traynor/Shepard threesome how we can take her down. Anti-Shep escapes with Brooks and tries to have us killed. Obviously I don't like that plan and come up with a different one. More goons dead and the chase is on! We set off with Main-Shep's words still ringing in my head "I'm really looking forward to killing myself". Ahh, me circa-2017.

We hurry on and find ourselves in a huuuuuuge room. It kinda looked that room at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark with all the boxes, but with over-sized whiskey barrels. I decided not to check to see if it was whiskey otherwise my mission objectives would have changed fairly quickly.

We push on. It was a standard Mass Effect fare of chasing the main baddie through a facility, interspersed with taking down bad guys. The most interesting parts were all the holographic recordings dotted around the place we could watch. The first flashback was of a group of Turians torturing a human for information. Cue awkward atmosphere between Shepard and Garrus :erm:

There were other entertaining recordings for our delectation. Some of the highlights included: A dreadnought assault on the Citadel, the senseless slaughter of a group of AIs... and a POV sex tape between Ambassador Udina and a Hanar prostitute with camera implants.

There was also a nice video of the the decision to promote Shepard to Spectre status back in the day! While we were busy reminiscing, Anti-Shep was making her way to the Normandy to try and steal our ship. It looks like she might succeed too as she was 76507. We hauled ass and almost catch up with them before being cruelly (and stupidly) caught in some blue force field right at the exit.

Bombshell time... Brooks has betrayed us, the sneaky f***ing sneak! Turns out she used to work for Cerberus but fell out with The Illusive Man of Illusiveness. Now she's just a dick, apparently. Both her and Anti-Shep taunt us a second time ala Monty Python... then bugger off to steal our ship. Meanwhile Main-Shep and crew are shoved into a whiskey barrel and are left in the archives to rot. So ends the disappointingly-short Citadel DLC.

Oh hang on, Glyph is still buzzing around outside and is kind enough to let us out. Shepard still might have time to stop herself from stealing her own ship! From herself!

Joker shows up in a dropship and Shepard, Liara and Garrus prepare to... oh wait. Tali has a sulk about rarely getting picked and makes me feel mega-guilty. So much so that I end up reloading the last save point just so I can pick Tali. Happy now?!! So Shepard, Tali and Garrus prepare to... oh f*** off Liara. You always get picked, stop sulking! Javik had a whinge too but I really couldn't give two flying f***s about him.

And were away! Hopefully we'll get to the docks in time to prevent the hijacking :-)

Tune in next time when a comms exchange between the two Shepards reveals a surprising difference in Anti-Shep's anatomy... later the subject of the Hollywood box office hit You've Got Mail Genitalia.