Eurovision 2016!

[Bubba]

It's that time of year again. Countries scour the dregs of their society for the biggest freaks, arm them with microphones and the entire world watches the carnage unfold.

The favourites this year are Russia. Though there are strong contenders from Australia and France. The UK entry is pretty decent and I'm confident we won't finish in the bottom three. It starts tonight at 8pm GMT.

I will be honouring this occasion by getting drunk and laughing lots. Who's with me?!

[Psychotic]

The UK entry is pretty decent and I'm confident we won't finish in the bottom three.We could revive the Beatles and have them duet with an also revived Freddie Mercury led Queen while the Spice Girls dance about singing about girl power and we'd still come in the bottom three. Europe fucking hates Britain, and Brexit isn't exactly going to have thawed relations. Though admittedly last year's Birdseye Potato Waffles cover was godawful so we don't help ourselves.

I'll be watching! Any spooty or weird songs to look out for?

[DK]

Brexit

I know this isn't exactly the thread for this, but I only recently found out that this word exists and it immediately shot to the top of my "fuck that stupid word it is awful" list. Whoever came up with that should be banned from humanity. My guess is The Sun.

[Psychotic]

Just to cheer you up even more, you'll be pleased to know it also has an Athenian counterpart Grexit.

[Night Fury]

Will be supporting Dami Im! (Australia)

[Mr. Carnelian]

The UK entry is pretty decent and I'm confident we won't finish in the bottom three.We could revive the Beatles and have them duet with an also revived Freddie Mercury led Queen while the Spice Girls dance about singing about girl power and we'd still come in the bottom three. Europe smurfing hates Britain, and Brexit isn't exactly going to have thawed relations. Though admittedly last year's Birdseye Potato Waffles cover was godawful so we don't help ourselves.

I'll be watching! Any spooty or weird songs to look out for?

This year's UK entry is frickin' awful, I can't stand it. I actually preferred last year's at least it was a bit different. I haven't actually heard any of the other entries this year, I want them all to be fresh when I hear them tonight.

Also, if Australia really wanted to win, they'd have stuck gay icon Kylie Minogue on the stage. Do you KNOW how many gays vote in Eurovision? Lots.

[Formalhaut]

:hyper:

It's my television highlight of the year! I'm so pumped!

[Midgar Mist]

My mum has told me to...make sure I stop her from watching this.

[Night Fury]

Also, if Australia really wanted to win, they'd have stuck gay icon Kylie Minogue on the stage. Do you KNOW how many gays vote in Eurovision? Lots.

You clearly have no idea of Dami's barmy army!

[Bubba]

68067

[Psychotic]

what the smurf is this shit

eurovision does not need a smurfing opening ceremony

sweden ruins everything for everyone

[Psychotic]

0 points for belgium for throwing away several perfectly good hankies and also being trout

also she's 19? fuck off no she isn't she's 40.

[Psychotic]

0 points for the czech republic for the generic woman in a long white dress entry. come the fuck on you can do better than this you cabbage scoffing lunatics

[Psychotic]

netherlands are the clear favourite now. bit of country and western? if Hairspray were here he'd be claiming he wrote this you know. And they have a bald man with a beard looking quite jovial that wins points with this jovial bald bearded man let me tell you. I'll give them a tentative 6 for now and we'll see how the night goes.

[Psychotic]

bold move from azerbaijan putting a rodent with gigantic teeth into a gold spangly outfit and sticking it on stage with some guy in american football padding rubbing his crotch all over said rodent. oh! pyros! top form Azerbaijan, love a good eurovision pyro. you can have 1 point for that.

[Psychotic]

hungary? oh tuck your shirt in you shit d-list knock off george michael. i mean i am enjoying the twirling of this random tibetan monk and the whistling of the apple store employees next to him but god damn very hard to look past this wanker singing. 3 points for now.

[Bubba]

Still cooking tea while this on. Bloody kid.

What I've seen so far Holland are the favourites. Love me a bit of Country :D

[Bubba]

Wow. Italy are terrible.

[Psychotic]

0 points for italy. are you serious. smurfing horrible hippie trout and singing in foreignese too, can't be doing with that and smurf me is she wearing rhinestone dungarees? smurf OFF oh she's signing in english now. alright italy you left that one late but you sort of rescued it. i say sort of, this is still hippie bumwash.

[Bubba]

Wow. This guy/girls hair is amazing.

Boring as as hell song though. Belgium and Holland leading the way. Before UK take the world by storm!

[Psychotic]

HAHAHAHHA LOOK AT THIS smurfER HAHAHAHAH he has a chinchilla on his head. guyliner and mascara. black sequined fingerless gloves and matching boots oh only in the eurovision. generic eurovision tumbling acrobats for no reason too, not bad israel, not bad at all. song is a bit trout but you're making me laugh so 5 points.

EDIT: DAT PYRO

[Bubba]

This Bulgaria effort isn't too bad.

I I do have a thing for her style of hair though. Shaved one side, long the other. Oh yes.

[Psychotic]

nirvana t-shirt? yes kurt cobain was a noted fan of bulgarian pop music. she looks like one of the smurfing war boys from mad max. WITNESS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oh look she's doing that light up outfit shit the UK tried last year. don't get the hype. 0 points bulgaria, not feeling it. it'll probably win but i don't give a fuck

[Psychotic]

it's like if joseph gordon levitt and leonardo dicaprio had a baby

and dropped it on its head a couple of times i guess

0 points sweden go away.

[Bubba]

Why is this Swedish entry sound like he's from East London?

[Psychotic]

hahahahahahahha look at this german girl! ANIME FINALLY REACHES THE EUROVISION! you look fucking ridiculous, 4 points.

[Bubba]

Christ Germany.

She looks like a clicker from The Last of Us if it was done by Disney.

[Psychotic]

french song is in french, objectively the worst language. 0 point... wait a minute what is this he's englishing now? i mean look the dude still looks like someone who sneaks into the women's bogs when they're empty and sniffs all the seats - i assume this is why he was elected as the representative of france - so 0 points all the same

[Bubba]

Ooh, I like this French number. Though considering they always sing in French (because they hate the English) I'm surprised at the chorus.

[Bubba]

Best voice of the night so far, Poland.

I just keep thinking he forgot to put his socks on.

[Psychotic]

There's another thing I can cross off the bucket list: Seen the Polish Russell Brand. 2 points.

[Psychotic]

"you are watching the eurovision song contest right now and so are 50 other countries"

i'm not a country you meatball munching moron shut your god damn yap

so far my scoring
netherlands - 6
israel - 5
germany - 4
hungary - 3
poland - 2
azerbaijan 1

i smurfing love the eurovision me

[Bubba]

Don't pull the mic away from Corola, man. She'll scratch your eyes out.

[Psychotic]

oh smurf off australia. oh europe let us compete we're cool right NO I WANT EUROTRASH NOT BOGANS GTFO. earlier in the night i might've been all aboard the glittery sequin train but i've been desensitised due to prolonged exposure. sorry locky this is proper bobbins like. 0 points.

[Psychotic]

cyprus hahaha look at his little green beard hahahah all the points. BALD MAN WITH BEARD IN A SLEEVELESS CARDIE oh yesssssssss. rock music instant win. WOLF HOWL and SICK SHREDDING hahahaha oh man. 10 points cyprus viddy good.

[Psychotic]

serbia sounds like it could be the main theme of a bond movie. not a good bond movie mind, like one of the bad 70's or 80's ones and it'd be called something like The Spy With the Golden Feet or You Never Die Twice or something and the villain would be an angry turkish man throwing knife kebabs at bond and tl;dr 0 points.

[Psychotic]

with all the money this lithuanian boy spent on his dweeby haircut, snazzy white jacket and slammin' green kicks, you'd think he'd spare a bit of change to have those abominations of eyebrows threaded or some trout 0 points for you smurfboy.

[Bubba]

Wow. Croatia lady looks like she's attending a Japanese prom whilst preparing for a major battle.

[Psychotic]

hahahaha oh man at first i thought croatia were sending eurovision's first tumblr SJW but nope instead it's the androgynous villain of an 80's sci-fi epic called EMPEROR FLASH or something hahaha. and the motherfucking nazgul doing the backing dancing too well done you can have a point or two

[Psychotic]

ONE WINGED ANGEL

edit: oh now he has another. well you just lost points there russia

christ look at this shit. russia wants that eurovision title bad.

[Psychotic]

like anywhere else this spain shit would be ridiculous and you'd laugh your arse off at her but at the eurovision it's pretty tame really 0 points.

[Bubba]

ONE WINGED ANGEL

edit: oh now he has another. well you just lost points there russia

christ look at this trout. russia wants that eurovision title bad.

Haha, he could have secured the Eyes on Final Fantasy vote there!

[Psychotic]

p. sure this latvia entry uses the same instrumentals as the crash bandicoot soundtrack. thats about the only thing it has going for it though, this guy singing it is kinda lame. 0 points.

[Bubba]

The guy has a great voice. It's just a shame they gave him a big, steaming turd of a song.

#cryforLatviaguy

[Psychotic]

a heartfelt and touching ballad from ukraine about the systematic oppression of the ethnic tatars under the stalinist regime. 0 points.

[Bubba]

She looks like she would cry if you bought her the wrong brand of cereal. Then write a song about.

[Psychotic]

thanks malta for another generic woman in long dress eurovision song 0 points. Man the wackiness has slowed down over the past few entries. even this creepy acrobat guy can't cheer me up as we've had creepier and acrobatier earlier in the night.

[Bubba]

Georgia was good. It just needed a chorus!

[Psychotic]

hahaha georgia what is this old school top of the pops style! and that hat bruv, that hat! hahahah even the pyro is half-arsed. one of the better actual songs too. 8 points good work georgia.

[Psychotic]

generic long dress woman song AND in French despite being Austrian? ALL THE 0 POINTS FOR YOU :colbert:

[Psychotic]

I WAS PREPARED TO HATE THIS UK ENTRY BUT THEY'RE IN LIVERPOOL KITS YOU GET ALL THE POINTS

oh dear one of these scallywags looks like a proper chav though

[Bubba]

It's weird. I liked this song before I saw their intro VT.

Now I realise they are the scum of the Earth. Zero points.

[Psychotic]

leotard and a cape? armenia have sent out FFVI's 6 celes! and a hell of a pyro too. and holograms?! wtf! not bad!

[Bubba]

Armenia is flat... and I'm not talking boobies.

[Psychotic]

hahhaha sir ian mckellen and sir derek jacobi doing a statler and waldorf! wtf i love it

cyprus - 12
georgia - 10
russia - 8
netherlands - 7
israel - 6
germany - 5
hungary - 4
uk - 3
poland - 2
croatia - 1

i feel i may be overly generous to israel. their song was awful but i just couldn't breathe when i saw the dude. then again most of my voting is based on comedy rather than music so

[Bubba]

And that's it! Congratulations Australia.

Danny the Octopus has spoken.

[Psychotic]

justin timberlake on eurovision? who is lowering themselves more?

[Bubba]

Justin isn't current. He's still lowering himself though.

Da fuk is dis Sweden wa*k fest

[Psychotic]

Justin isn't current. He's still lowering himself though.

Da fuk is dis Sweden wa*k festI like how they said "the UK and the US have dominated the music industry but in recent years sweden has had a resurgence. In 1979..." THAT ISN'T FUCKING RECENT NOBODY READING THIS THREAD WAS EVEN BORN

[Aerith's Knight]

I'd have given Justin more points if he did "Dick in a box".

[Aerith's Knight]

What's worse than listening to all these songs? Listening to them again as a summery. What a time to be alive.

[Psychotic]

can I vote for this parody song by the hosts instead? they're nailing this, fair fucking play

[Aerith's Knight]

Ok, I'll give them this, that was pretty funny.

8 points for the parody song.

[Aerith's Knight]

Ha ha, oh god that woman, I need another drink.

[Bubba]

can I vote for this parody song by the hosts instead? they're nailing this, fair smurfing play

Terry Wogan would have been proud.

Wait, he's dead right?

[Psychotic]

No.

[Bubba]

Well shit

[Aerith's Knight]

He's dead to people, maybe. But not dead.

[Bubba]

Remember when George Best turned up on Wogan pissed?!! That was classic!

You don't remember. Lying twats. I'm old.

[Aerith's Knight]

Even if I was old, you're assuming this isn't the first time I've watched (part) of eurovision.

[Aerith's Knight]

I knew I loved Iceland for a reason.

[Aerith's Knight]

"Everything is up!"

Uh, what?

[Aerith's Knight]

Bosnia not voting Netherlands? Guess what will happen next war, Bosnia. Next time we get REAL rough.

[Psychotic]

Australia and Ukraine leading? What's next, cats and dogs marrying? :colbert:

[Aerith's Knight]

Oh god, French lady, don't talk anymore.

[Psychotic]

Basically all the countries that are shit scared of Russia are giving Ukraine 12 points.

[Aerith's Knight]

Ukraine again? Bloody setup, this is.

[Aerith's Knight]

Basically all the countries that are trout scared of Russia are giving Ukraine 12 points.

This, exactly.

[Aerith's Knight]

Yeah, Australia, we expect free blowjobs now.

[Bubba]

The Ukraine entry was the musical equivalent of bowel surgery.

I called an Australia landslide as soon as the song finished.

[Aerith's Knight]

*sigh* the Netherlands was so sure they'd place... well, somewhere.

"What would it mean to win this festival?"

"Uh.. *Brabble* nothing."

[Bubba]

And that's it! Congratulations Australia.

Danny the Octopus has spoken.

Thank you. Thank you.

[Aerith's Knight]

And that's it! Congratulations Australia.

Danny the Octopus has spoken.

Thank you. Thank you.

Can you predict Football matches as well? I mean, at least better than Manus.

[Aerith's Knight]

So many countries are making my list tonight. :mad2:

[Aerith's Knight]

That German lady looks like she should be in my sex dreams.

[Psychotic]

And that's it! Congratulations Australia.

Danny the Octopus has spoken.

Thank you. Thank you.

Can you predict Football matches as well? I mean, at least better than Manus.He really can't. See the football thread.

Australia's song was bad, Ukraine's song was bad, Sweden's song was bad, bad songs always win Eurovision. Apart from that time Lordi won, that was pretty genius.

[Aerith's Knight]

And that's it! Congratulations Australia.

Danny the Octopus has spoken.

Thank you. Thank you.

Can you predict Football matches as well? I mean, at least better than Manus.He really can't. See the football thread.

Australia's song was bad, Ukraine's song was bad, Sweden's song was bad, bad songs always win Eurovision. Apart from that time Lordi won, that was pretty genius.

Maybe that's the reason no self-respecting singer joins this.

[charliepanayi]

Breaking news: UEFA invite Australia as last-minute addition to Euro 2016

Apparently Australia wouldn't actually host Eurovision next year, they'd team up with a European country to do it. What sort of rubbish is that?

[Aerith's Knight]

*country name* Dooozapan.

Also, Germany, 1 point. So sad.

[Psychotic]

hahahaha UK gives 12 points to georgia legit pleased with that one :up: we fucking rule, jog on europe

[Psychotic]

Apparently Australia wouldn't actually host Eurovision next year, they'd team up with a European country to do it. What sort of rubbish is that?I agree, but then I thought about it and I assume it'd be a bit expensive for European broadcasters and fans to travel there.

[Aerith's Knight]

Screw this festival. I didn't like it anyway. Europe sucks. Sweden sucks.

Top 3 or Nexit. :colbert:

[Psychotic]

Screw this festival. I didn't like it anyway. Europe sucks. Sweden sucks.

Top 3 or Nexit. :colbert:You can't complain, your entry is at least being voted higher than the Italian abortion.

[Aerith's Knight]

I'm glad I voted no on the Ukrainian trade agreement now.

[charliepanayi]

Apparently Australia wouldn't actually host Eurovision next year, they'd team up with a European country to do it. What sort of rubbish is that?I agree, but then I thought about it and I assume it'd be a bit expensive for European broadcasters and fans to travel there.

I know but I was looking forward to either having Eurovision on at lunchtime here or forcing Australia to do it at 5am over there.

[Aerith's Knight]

At least we're all beating Germany.

[Psychotic]

Germany sitting on 1 point. Beautiful.

[Aerith's Knight]

"We build two. Because we have the money for it."

Smurfing trout.

[Psychotic]

lmao there you go that's proof Europe hates the UK. Relatively (!) unbiased juries have us in midtable, the voting public gives us a 0.

[Aerith's Knight]

"Please hold, while we calculate how much we'll need for Ukraine to end in the top 3"

[Aerith's Knight]

Who voted for this thing? Were they all more drunk than I am?

[Bubba]

Poland have caught the snitch here.

[Aerith's Knight]

Really? Poland, with 7 points, is going to end higher than us now?

[Bubba]

Poland!!!!!

They were so...

[Psychotic]

Russia and Ukraine the final two. HMMM THIS ISN'T A PROXY VOTE OR ANYTHING

[Aerith's Knight]

If Ukraine wins, Nexit.

Actually, just Nexit. We'll start our own EU with England and Germany. Maybe Belgium can join in. The part that isn't French.

[Bubba]

Dumbledore had a hand in this...

[Aerith's Knight]

Smurfing cop-out.

[Psychotic]

so next year we're going to get a spate of songs calling russia a bucket of flaccid winkies.

[Bubba]

Well done for making this competition shitter than it already was.

[Aerith's Knight]

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

[Psychotic]

haha uk top three lithuania, poland and bulgaria. Wonder who in the UK could've voted for those countries! Nigel Farage will have a field day with that.

[Aerith's Knight]

This is why nobody cares about this festival. Timberlake was wrong. Awful songs win this festival, so they all make awful songs.

[Psychotic]

This is why nobody cares about this festival. Timberlake was wrong. Awful songs win this festival, so they all make awful songs.I care about it, it's great. The voting is irrelevant, it's all about the comedy songs. Lighten up old chap!

I tell a lie, it's fun to spot the political aspects in the voting. eg UK taking an ass kicking because of Brexit and Ukraine vs Russia and so on and so on.

Invade Luxembourg if you want to get votes I guess.

[Aerith's Knight]

This is why nobody cares about this festival. Timberlake was wrong. Awful songs win this festival, so they all make awful songs.I care about it, it's great. The voting is irrelevant, it's all about the comedy songs. Lighten up old chap!

The parody song was fun. The rest was just trout. :colbert: LET ME SALT THIS OUT.

[Psychotic]

Nah man, you gotta love it. Love it all. Accept that as a (non-scandinavian) western nation your country will never win and that something bad will always win. Just live for the eurotrash and cheese. I love Eurovision and always will :love:

[Aerith's Knight]

Invade Luxembourg if you want to get votes I guess.

This is what we should've done to begin with. Then Belgium rejoins the fold so we can play the European cup as well. Then we take Spain, to pay back for the war, and France for backstabbing us in another way. Then we take Scandanavia, and Denmark, who would've been subjugated anyway if not for us in 1800. Then we pay a nice visit across the canal.

hahahahaHAHAHAH AH AH AHAHAH AH HAH

..Time to prepare.

[charliepanayi]

I think this about sums it up:

https://twitter.com/ElizSimins/status/731615372114165760

[Psychotic]

I think this about sums it up:

https://twitter.com/ElizSimins/status/731615372114165760hahahaha beautiful. I actually quite like this new voting system for precisely this reason.

[Aerith's Knight]

Well, fellas, this was.. uh.. horrible. But glad I could join the end. On to the next House Cup, I mean contest, yes.

Now it's time to drink myself unconscious trying to make sense of it all.

[Old Manus]

Kek'd heartily at the Germans getting rinsed. Europeans just don't like Angela

[Psychotic]

"The voting was biased, it's clear", Russian state TV commentators say. "Burning disappointment".

"Sergey was the best for us anyway".Russia as a nation gets seriously pissed off about Eurovision. Expect a statement from Putin soon too :hahaha:

[Bubba]

I think this about sums it up:

https://twitter.com/ElizSimins/status/731615372114165760hahahaha beautiful. I actually quite like this new voting system for precisely this reason.


Dumbledore had a hand in this...

[Bubba]

Also.

MY SIG IS A HAND.

[Formalhaut]

This is why nobody cares about this festival. Timberlake was wrong. Awful songs win this festival, so they all make awful songs.I care about it, it's great. The voting is irrelevant, it's all about the comedy songs. Lighten up old chap!

The parody song was fun. The rest was just trout. :colbert: LET ME SALT THIS OUT.

To be fair, the Netherlands came second in 2014. With a country and western song. Which promptly got copied without fail by at least one country since then (it was a very good song).

Honestly, I watch Eurovision for the silly frivolity of it all, and its brilliant. I just watched it with all my friends from the University's LGBT society and had a riot. "SMURF OFF AUSTRALIA" basically became a rallying cry, and that new public voting was super-tense.

The surprise stand-out was France in 6th. They've achieved their highest placing since 2002, and they've done crap until this year. The Netherlands came a respectable 11th with a good country song, and heck Belgium put in a decent showing.

There will always be political voting, that much is definite, though I like how the voting has become more transparent. The splitting of the jury and public vote was a very clever move. Eurovision is Eurovision. It will always be the best worst television show ever.

But seriously UK, Lithuania was our favourite? The hell!?

[Mr. Carnelian]

This Eurovision thread needs gaying up. So, here's my rundown of the bangable guys of Eurovision. Hungary singer and French singer can get it, and so can the guitarist standing on the left side of the screen from the Netherlands singer, the bald one (the guitarist is bald, not the singer). Sweden singer from last year who's presenting this year can get it too, as long as he doesn't do that creepy-arse smile. Timberlake's still bangworthy, although that performance was meh at best.

Like Formy says, we were at an AWESOME Eurovision barbecue party. Seriously, it was one of the best evenings EVER.

[Midgar Mist]

Operation Keep Mother Away was successful. I'm also a recovered Eurovision Addict myself. Your mind just.....feeels better when all you have to hear is "third from the bottom" on the radio news.

[Rostum]

Woo, Australia represent! I just heard SBS is going to put together an Asiavision possibly next year which could prove to be incredibly funny. :)

[maybee]

Watched this the other day, not a fan of the winner at all. Thought her song was average to poor. Other countries did much, much better.

[fat_moogle]

Watched this the other day, not a fan of the winner at all. Thought her song was average to poor. Other countries did much, much better.
Yeah I wasn't a fan of Ukraine's song, either. Although she was singing about her dead grandmother so respect to her for that - must have been very emotional for her belting that out to a worldwide audience.

Also I got completely smashed thanks to Australia - I had to have a shot every time that they got 12 points :D

[Levian]

I hosted a ESC party with 17 attendees on the night of the finals. We all wrote down our top three when voting ended and Ukraine was not mentioned once. NOT ONCE! :lol:

My favorites were Bulgaria and Russia. :ffvising:

[Mr. Carnelian]

My favorites were Bulgaria and Russia. :ffvising:

I LOVED Bulgaria's entry. Great song, and those dance moves were sweet. The light-up outfit and the enormous earring made it all seem suitably zany and Eurovisiony.