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Pumpkin
07-15-2016, 02:09 PM
Barret's Big Body Blowout
http://i.imgur.com/3mGtzIn.png


So you wanna be big do ya? Big like a certain gun-armed man in Final Fantasy VII? Do you too want to have marshmallow arms protruding from your sailor uniform? Well you're in luck because today, I'm going to show you how you can achieve this dashing and totally realistic look.

Pull Ups

And no, I don't mean pull-ups like the diapers. Or do I? You know what they say, no strain no gain. And we all know what happens when you strain. More specifically though, find an area with a bar above head level, grab on to it, and pull yourself up until your muscular and shapely chin rests above said bar. Stay there for 24 to 48 hours. Pro tip: These bars can generally be found on playgrounds and are known as “monkey bars”. Just scoot the brats out of the way and work on them arms.


http://i.imgur.com/hXNgCZN.jpg
Customize your diapers today, only $29.99


Master The Stance

Make sure to always, always, always stand like you have something uncomfortable between your legs. Not only is it good exercise since you're nearly permanently in semi-squat position, but it also helps accentuate your large arms and abnormally large hands. Angry look optional, but intimidation does help make you appear bigger. Cats know the deal, ask them for help with enlarging yourself.


http://i.imgur.com/EPH2lQh.jpg
See that tiny waist and large extremities?
This is your goal!


Lift Weights

All the time. While you sleep, while you eat. Weights. If no weights are available to you, lift people. Stuck in class? Bench press your professor. Stuck in a meeting with your lawyer? Just lift him up while he speaks his lawyer mumbo jumbo. Dinner with grandma? Well, it would be downright rude not to lift her. If you're lucky, it'll help set her hip. Remember, weights, weights, weights. Make sure you're always lifting something, never let your muscles settle. If you do, they'll deflate like balloons. Rest is for the weak.


http://i.imgur.com/5kZn9jv.png
This could be you!


Amputate Your Arm

So you've got the muscles, the angry look, the restraining order from your family members. What's next? I know you can tell there's still something missing. You guessed it! Amputation. You can't be like Barret if you have both arms. That's not how that works. So go make yourself a doctors appointment (while lifting him, of course), and get that pesky arm cut off. Don't worry about the loss, you'll be back to gains once you replace that missing arm with a very heavy and inconvenient gun arm. Or get creative and try some scissors or a drill or something. The possibilities are endless!


http://i.imgur.com/3mGtzIn.png
You gotta go all the way! No half-assing this!


Now that you're big and buff, go out and enjoy yourself! Lift burning buildings off of kittens, stop that bus full of cancer curing scientists from driving off that cliff, wave your gun arm at orphans. The world is your beefy oyster! Enjoy it!

sharkythesharkdogg
07-15-2016, 08:38 PM
Your comedy is starting to get pretty polished. I laughed several times on this one!

.....I mean thanks for the serious article. Time to A.B.L. my way to masculine glory.

Freya
07-15-2016, 09:23 PM
I think I could keep up with barret now!

Fatal Impurity
07-16-2016, 10:50 PM
It always seemed like Barret had a case of the saddle sores with his perma-squat. Could it be that he is just trying to obtain those perfect quads?

Midgar Mist
07-29-2016, 09:04 AM
Well written, as well as amusing :-)