If someone made a state-of-the-art sandwich..

[Bubba]

...then someone else expressed concern that they would be worried about the state of the floor, what would they be worried about?

If you're wondering, it is a triple fried egg sandwich with chilli sauce and chutney.

This is based on an exchange from the greatest sci-fi comedy series of all time... Red Dwarf. Series 2 - ep 3

Lister: "Can Rimmer have a triple fried egg sandwich with chilli sauce and chutney?"
Holly: "You what?"
Lister: "It's a state-of-the-art sarnie"
Holly: "It's the state of the floor I'm worried about"

[Bubba]

Maybe if there's that many interpretations of a joke it's not very funny. :gator:

This is no longer a laughing matter... if it ever was.

[Psychotic]

For point of reference, the character who then eats said sandwich utters the line "I feel like I'm having a baby". Evidence indeed that one immediately loses control of one's body.

[Bubba]

Yes, but the other character also says "you have to eat it before the bread dissolves"

Clear evidence that this is a messy sandwich.

[Psychotic]

If the bread dissolves then so too must one's stomach lining and bowels, thus contributing to the floor being coated in either vomit or faeces.

[Mr. Carnelian]

Clearly, the person worried about the state of the floor believes that all those present will fight to the death to gain possession of the sandwich, thereby covering the floor with gore, which will be a real hassle to clean up.

[Bubba]

OK, well I've messaged Rob Grant and Doug Naylor (who wrote the first six series of Red Dwarf) and linked this thread. They no longer speak to each other but I'm hoping that one of them will be kind enough to reply and put this debate to rest.

If not, I am going to attend the next Red Dwarf convention and get it straight from the horse's mouth.

[Psychotic]

I must present a further piece of evidence. Namely, what the devourer of the sandwich in the episode, Arnold J. Rimmer, described the experience as. In his words, "like a cross between food and bowel surgery."

Bowel surgery, ladies and gentlemen. At this point you will surely be asking what the side effects of bowel surgery are and I am only too happy to draw your attention to this informative health website (https://www.bupa.co.uk/health-information/directory/b/bowel-surgery).

Side-effects are the unwanted but mostly temporary effects you may get after having the procedure. The possible side-effects of bowel surgery include:

pain and discomfort in your tummy (abdomen)
changes in your bowel movements, such as constipation or diarrhoea

D-i-a-r-r-h-o-e-a.

My friends, I put it to you, if such a procedure occurred via the consumption of a sandwich, would it not run the risk of faecal matter ruining the floor upon which the consumer is standing? Thus would not the ship's computer's concern be, not in easily cleaned up sandwich spillage which a skutter or two could easily wipe away, but instead a tidal wave of poop?

Bubba, I am sorry, I am so sorry. Your life has been a lie. You need to come to terms with it and stop lashing out at the rest of us. We only want you to see the world the way it truly is.

[Bubba]

No, no, no.

Even losing control of ones bowels wouldn't immediately tarnish the floor. The character was definitely wearing trousers and I assume, underpants. The same character is clearly a fan of underpants (as he keeps them on coat hangars) so I am convinced he had some on.

Now, a sudden relaxing of the bowels would firstly fill the underpants, then would need to travel down the inside of his trouser legs before threatening the cleanliness of the floor. If this did happen, it is human nature to dash to the toilet for some privacy. I find it hard to believe someone would just stand there, let sh*t run down their clothing and stain the floor.

[Shauna]

This thread is happening in the year of our lord 2017

[Psychotic]

Bubba, Bubba, Bubba. You cannot apply the normal rules of defecation to explosive diarrhoea. This is of course categorised by two features:

1. A build up of pressure in the bowel which is instantaneously released, and
2. A watery stool.

The end result of the state-of-the-art sandwich would not be to slowly trickle down one's leg, but instead to pour through the seat of both the underpants and trousers at a great speed and thus onto the floor almost immediately. This occurs irregardless of the afflicted's intention to hurry to a toilet.

[Bubba]

Why would this diarrhoea be explosive? Also, how can it possibly go through someone's 74008 that quickly?

Vomiting I can understand, but there is no way bowel movements would happen so quickly and violently to anyone so soon after consuming a sandwich.

[Bubba]

If the bread dissolves then so too must one's stomach lining and bowels

Also, what the smurf kind of sense does this make? Are you insinuating that our stomach lining and bowels are made out of bread?

[Psychotic]

Why would this diarrhoea be explosive?To answer that we must look at what causes explosive diarrhea. (http://www.livestrong.com/article/250518-causes-of-explosive-diarrhea/)
If you experience explosive diarrhea, first ask yourself if your diet may be responsible. Any increase in fruit, vegetable, bran cereal or whole grain consumption is putting more indigestible fiber into your gut, which acts to soften stool and speed the transit of fecal matter through the intestines. Excessive fiber, or a drastic increase in fiber intake, can cause gas and diarrhea, including explosive diarrhea. Fruits, vegetables and whole grains also contain some poorly digested starches and sugarsSo you see, the sandwich which was, if you watch the scene, triple layered with cheap white bread and of course the assumed fruit content of the chutney itself will lead to poor digestion and increased gas.


Also, how can it possibly go through someone's 74008 that quickly? This is no ordinary sandwich. Remember that Lister invented the sandwich after reading a book on biological warfare. Remember that this is akin to "bowel surgery". Remember that Rimmer instantly said "I feel like I'm having a baby".


Vomiting I can understandInstant vomiting eh

Instant vomiting... on the floor

Thus ruining the floor

Thus being concerned about the state of the floor is a natural state of affairs

Thus well well well you hamster cheeked scouse goit

:holmes:

[Bubba]

Remember that Lister invented the sandwich after reading a book on biological warfare.

'Bacteriological' warfare but I see your point.

We are forgetting the most important point in this debate: Rimmer is a hologram.

Holly was able to materialise the offending sandwich into Rimmer's hand. If this materialised sandwich was dropped it would clearly make a mess. However, Rimmer being a hologram he is composed entirely of light. He would no longer perform any bodily waste expulsion.

[Psychotic]

But the sandwich is a hologram too, and so any mess would be a hologramatic mess. There is no real danger of mess to the floor either way, and so I just attribute it to Holly's computer senility.

[Bubba]

Well, it looks like this debate can finally be put to rest.

Rob Grant, co-creator and writer of Red Dwarf has read through what you reprobates have had to say and kindly responded to me on Twitter :)

The words of the legendary Rob Grant...

74046

Well, there you have it. For Rob, it's both. The viewer decides how crude to make it!

The writer of the original episode in question has spoken and the message is clear...Why not both?!

[Psychotic]

Delightful. All's well that smegs well.

[Bubba]

Well, we could yet get a response from the other co-creator, Doug Naylor.

If he gives a differing opinion then it could all be up in the air again...

[Mr. Carnelian]

It's not as though the author gets the final word. Works are always open to interpretation or reinterpretation by their audience. The interpretation of the author/authors is not necessarily more valid just because they created the work.

[Bubba]

It's not as though the author gets the final word. Works are always open to interpretation or reinterpretation by their audience. The interpretation of the author/authors is not necessarily more valid just because they created the work.

You shush... we need a resolution!

[Cell]

i tried making this once and regretted it instantly

forgetting while steaming drunk i hate chutney

[Iceglow]

Which fruit chutney do you use though, I can think of several!

[Bubba]

I will message Doug Naylor again on Twitter to see if he can give us a response. He or Rob might even be able to confirm the type of chutney used, we'll see!

EDIT: I've messaged him. I'll give it a few weeks and then I'm gonna do an Andy Dufrene and send him a message once a week for the next six years. He'll probably block me but we'll see :-)

[Psychotic]

Isn't it mango?

[Bubba]

Isn't it mango?

I'm not sure it was ever stated. Mango would be the obvious choice as it's most people's go-to when poppadoms are involved. We all know Lister likes his curries.

You could even argue that there are different types of chilli sauce that could be used. I wonder if the writers had a specific experience in mind when coming up with this culinary delight?

[Iceglow]

I would wager it was tobasco sauce but then I'm an asshole who would do that to someone hahahaha