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Del Snizz
07-29-2003, 02:21 PM
Fair citizens, it's been a long time since I've posted a new thread (or anything else for that matter) on these fine fora, and you must know that I do so now to raise awareness about an issue of the gravest import. California, the proud home state of many of EoFF's founding members and everyone's favorite soulless wasteland faces a crisis of leadership. Dissatisfied with the current recession, the loss of jobs, the state's nearly $40 billion budget deficit, and with memories and continuing fears of blackouts and brownouts in mind, at least 1.3 million Californians have decided that they want Gray out. That's right, as I'm sure you've heard, notoriously dull and unpopular Governor Gray Davis will have to hit the campaign trail in the middle of his term to persuade California voters not to kick him out of office in the recall election on October 7. Now, I don't particularly know or care enough about California politics to have much interest in whether Davis's administration has tarnished the Golden State, necessitating his early dismissal, but what I am passionate about is doing everything in my power to turn the democratic process into even more of a ridiculous political circus. Just having Arnold Schwarzeneggar as a possible Republican candidate in the race isn't enough for me, particularly in the post-Jesse Ventura era; nor should it be for you, my friends. No, what we have here is an opportunity to launch a new campaign for a new century, to give the people of California the kind of leadership they deserve, and for these reasons, we must nominate for office our own IGN64skanker.

This is an appeal to the residents of California here, to the members of EoFF in general, and to the whole of Mankind: Skanker would make an ideal governor, and his candidacy is well within the realm of possibility. Did you know that in order to appear on the recall ballot, a potential candidate need only get 65 signatures of fellow party members and raise $3500? If he or she can get 10,000 signatures, there is no fee at all! For only minimal effort and perhaps small donations, you too can be a part of the Skanker for Governor campaign. So here's what we need from you, especially from the Californians out there:

<b>Step 1.</b> Figure out what party he's going to belong to. Since I don't think he's a registered member of any political party, we'll have to fake it. We might be able to sneak him into one of the two major parties without much trouble, but if someone from the leadership discovers that he's not a registered member who gives them money, it could create bad publicity. Having Skanker run under the banner of an established third party should prove less difficult, as they're usually happy enough just to get candidates. Besides, I doubt they'd bother going through the trouble of looking through the member list because who really wants to get the shoe box down from the shelf?

<b>Step 2.</b> Form a committee to organize the collection of signatures and campaign contributions to get him on the ballot. The deadline for this is August 9, so like any good, expeditious committee, they should complete the preliminary phase of planning by the end of September.

<b>Step 3.</b> Get volunteers throughout the state to bypass the committee and start gathering the necessary signatures and money by any means necessary. Now, I can get signatures from 65,000 dead people in Chicago, but there are presumably a few concerned citizens who would object to out-of-state corpses' having a role in their political process. I figure we can shake off these criticisms in two ways: first, we blame other candidates for getting signatures from illegal immigrants. The allegation doesn't have to be true--in fact, I wouldn't even recommend looking at their lists--but merely mentioning the idea of such a thing is enough to change the subject for a while and get people near the Mexican border up in arms. While the media and the public are distracted by our claim, we can convince the strongly anti-Davis Republican candidates that the signatures we collected were actually from relatives of the governor who were so disappointed with his performance that they wanted to disown him. They can run some TV and radio ads about it, and I predict that few would doubt the story. After all, who can deny the close resemblance in appearance and mannerisms between Gray Davis and a cadaver?

<b>Step 4.</b> After we've secured a spot on the ballot for our man Skanker, we can use the estimated $3.17 in our coffers to begin campaigning for the general election. Now, because we won't be able to afford conventional advertising on the air, in print, or even on people's front lawns and lapels, and since Skanker has absolutely no name recognition, we'll have to run a different kind of campaign. At first, members of the Skanker for Governor team (that's YOU!) should spread the word by making their own signs and standing at busy intersections, shouting at people. Be creative. To attract media attention, try shaving 'Elect Skanker' into the coats of all the cats and dogs in your neighborhood. They'll put this kind of thing on the news, and it won't cost you a dime. People like pets, and they'll remember this, so it'll be just like running a cute campaign ad.

Tell everyone you meet about Skanker's candidacy and take some time to explain to them why they should vote for him. Don't be discouraged by gruff remarks or a little pepper spray; you're an important part of a team now, and you should always remember that there are a lot of caring, like-minded people behind you who will support you when you think the cause is lost and who will pay for a bail bond or two.

From a purely political perspective, once we get even a small grassroots movement going for him, Skanker should have no trouble winning this election. His natural charisma and famed eloquence will captivate potential voters watching televised debates even after security guards remove him from the audience. I firmly believe that Skanker's stance on the issues people care about gives him the ability to appeal to California's diverse granola bar electorate, scoring points with the nuts, the fruits, and the flakes alike. He has solutions to all the state's problems, but he's not going to confuse voters by publishing a long, complicated platform that uses lots of big words and political doublespeak. No, Skanker will always speak from the heart; he'll let you know exactly what his 'bag' is, and my friends, it is without a doubt <i>a bag of values</i>. Indeed, the tradition that Skanker most proudly calls his bag, the All-Male Group Hug, will be a big hit in the Bay Area and will also appeal to female voters, especially the suburban, minivan-driving Oprah-followers, as it will send them the clear message that Skanker is a sensitive man, not afraid to share his feelings.

Even the possible candidacy of Arnold Schwarzeneggar will not daunt our campaign. In fact, Skanker has a number of advantages over the Terminator himself, in spite of the wide gap in name recognition. First, in the 2000 presidential election, a majority of Californians voted for Al Gore, showing a preference against guys with funny accents who like to shoot things. Second, Skanker has never appeared in a movie like <i>Hercules in New York</i> or <i>Last Action Hero</i>. Against some of the less famous candidates with more government experience, Skanker might face a little more trouble. They'll criticize him, saying that he's never been elected or appointed to a government office and that he couldn't possibly know how to successfully run the largest state in the country. In most elections, candidates in a similar position dismiss or simply ignore the charges and hire consultants to teach them how to seem knowledgeable in fields in which they may have shown weaknesses. I say that when Skanker is accused of being inexperienced, he should run with it.

Let's face it: around election time, the talking heads in the media like to go on about how inexperienced candidates are at a disadvantage, and career politicians running for office subtly or not so subtly hint that their less-experienced opponents aren't even fit for the job, but does your average American really care about any of this? Absolutely not. Americans don't really want someone they see as being any smarter or more competent to hold a position of great power than they are to be governing them--they want some slob they can relate to. That's why Skanker is perfect: is the fact that he hasn't graduated from college going to make the average voter think that he's not intelligent enough? Certainly not. Did Bill Clinton brag about studying at and earning degrees from Georgetown, Yale, and Oxford? No, he appealed to the average joe in his presidential campaign, playing the saxophone and talking about his underwear on MTV. Americans don't want elected officials to have Ph.D's in philosophy or something because only the <i>French</i> let people like that have influence, and every decent American knows that France is the European wing of the Islamic Jihad. Is the fact that Skanker has never held office going to hurt him? Of course not. That just means he's still a regular citizen, a representative of the common man and not a corrupt bureaucrat. Is the fact that he's never even voted in a major election going to make people question his commitment and his ability to lead them? Absolutely not--that's something a lot of Americans can <i>really</i> relate to.

<b>Step 5.</b> Oh, yeah. And I guess someone should eventually tell Skanker that he's going to be running for governor.



So, it's time that we act, my friends! Skanker must be elected Governor of California. Show your support for his candidacy right here in this thread, and if you see him on AIM (Westska21 or IGN64skanker), make sure to tell him something like "Congratulations and good luck. If I were from California, you'd have my full support. You're doing a great service. God bless you." Just don't mention words like 'governor,' 'election,' 'campaign,' or 'vote' quite yet. That part should be a little surprise, don't you think?

You should also help us out by posting proposals for campaign slogans and making banners for signatures. As you can see, my signature now bears the slogan "Skanker for Governor: Because RSL is from Iowa"

If you remember dear old Skank, share your favorite stories about him, and if you don't, feel free to fabricate some. Help the voters out by telling everyone some other things that are his 'bag'.

If you're still not convinced, feel free to raise any questions or concerns about anything at all right here. I'll do my best to answer them. If, for instance, you are not clear as to where Skanker stands on a particular issue, I am fully authorized to act as his official spokesman<sup><b><font size=1>*</font></b></sup>.

Thank you for your time and for your support, good citizens.




<font size=1><sup><b>*</b></sup>This is in no way meant to imply that Skanker has given me permission to speak for him in any way.</font>

Loony BoB
07-29-2003, 02:29 PM
If I ever manage this, I will hold it as the greatest achievement of Eyes on Final Fantasy history.

edczxcvbnm
07-29-2003, 02:29 PM
This is pretty funny.

TheAbominatrix
07-29-2003, 02:30 PM
Anyone other than Davis is super, really. Except the guy who ran against him in the first place, whose name I really cant recall at the moment.

Anyway, seeing as I do live in California, I really do appreciate you putting this thread up, and I will now educate myself on the candidiates, particularily this Skanker guy, so I can figure out who to vote for so we dont get stuck with yet another idiot. I didnt vote for the original election, because it was like dumb and dumber.

Anyway, thanks Del. :D

Haha, this is great. And curse the post button when I'm not ready! :p

Loony BoB
07-29-2003, 02:32 PM
Originally posted by TheAbominatrix
I will now educate myself on the candidiates, particularily this Skanker guy

this Skanker guy (http://www.eyesonff.com/mills/p2/Skank.jpg)

TheAbominatrix
07-29-2003, 02:33 PM
Skanker and Schwartzenager! I'm so torn...

Mikztsu
07-29-2003, 02:37 PM
You can always trust it'll be funny, when Snizz makes a thread.:) Good job taking RSL in your slogan.

DMKA
07-29-2003, 03:15 PM
I miss California:cry:

bennator
07-29-2003, 05:13 PM
Have skanker run for the Libertarian party...

Linus
07-29-2003, 05:20 PM
**Bans Del Snizz.**

TheAbominatrix
07-29-2003, 05:21 PM
Look, Linus is having delusions of power!

Hedgy
07-29-2003, 05:24 PM
I would vote for Skanker,
after all, how far away is California?

Citizen Bleys
07-29-2003, 05:37 PM
Governor? We should make Skanker the Emperor.

*stickies thread*

Strider
07-29-2003, 05:45 PM
Consider Fresno under control. Huzzah! :D

Blackmage
07-29-2003, 05:59 PM
Man... *wishes he still lived in Bakersfield to help Skanker's campaign*

Strider
07-29-2003, 06:15 PM
*wishes he still lived in Bakersfield to help Skanker's campaign*I never thought I'd see anyone say that.

Mr. Graves
07-29-2003, 07:34 PM
Uhh....ok.

I live on the other end of the country, so I'm well away from the mayhem that could ensue. Thankfully.

DCI Superfan
07-29-2003, 07:52 PM
I'm glad Texas has had their gubenatorial election last year, so I don't have to listen to campaign crap for a while.

DCI Forever!!

bennator
07-29-2003, 07:57 PM
Seriously though, there are probably enough EoFF members in California to get 65 signatures, especially if they get their friends to help. I don't know about the money though.

Heath
07-29-2003, 09:06 PM
Why stop at their friends? Why not their friends friends friends and so on?

Logan
07-29-2003, 09:31 PM
Originally posted by TheAbominatrix
Anyone other than Davis is super, really.

Ditto that. Davis=sux. Anybody else=better.

Yamaneko
07-29-2003, 11:11 PM
It's gonna cost us $30,000,000. I have $40 on me.

Evelia
07-30-2003, 12:20 AM
What a clever idea. :)

Denmark
07-30-2003, 12:23 AM
I'd help, but seeing as how I'm in New York, well, that pretty much explains it.

Skanker looks like a governor. And he'd probably be one of the smartest politicians ever. Is he tall? Because tall politicians get elected more often. Statistically, it's true. Skanker for California governor!

RSL
07-30-2003, 01:15 AM
I believe your crazy plan just might work, Snizz. Just look at Minnesota, no one took Jesse Ventura seriously as a candidate and he stole the election. I think IGN64Skanker is a much more qualified candidate then Ventura ever was. I can't say that I'm familiar with California's current governor, but I can't imagine a situation where Skanker wouldn't be an improvement.

We can only hope that this one day leads to Skanker running for president.

Burtsplurt
07-30-2003, 11:24 AM
Just how old is Skanker now? And how does thqt compare with, say, the legal age for governorshipency?

Not that it matters - go for the youth vote. Erm.

Asorie
07-30-2003, 05:42 PM
http://www.ncstudents.net/rifts/skankerforgovernor.jpg

Skanker for Governor! He's shown his interest in equal rights by supporting "All Male (and Asorie) Group Hugs" in the EoFF staff!

Citizen Bleys
07-30-2003, 05:56 PM
Equal rights? Pfft, he just won't admit that all male group hugs are his "bag"

Del Snizz
07-30-2003, 06:53 PM
Originally posted by TheAbominatrix
Skanker and Schwartzenager! I'm so torn...
Well, fortunately you probably won't have to be. It looks as though Schwarzeneggar will not likely run this time around, and will instead back Richard Riordan, the former mayor of Los Angeles. He hasn't given the final word yet, but all the papers are saying that he'll make such an announcement before the end of the week. I'm torn on this news: if he's not in the race, it'll make it somewhat easier to get other ridiculous candidates like Skanker noticed, but then again, it makes the whole recall election less of a farce. Ultimately, though, my conscience has to agree that this move is a good thing for everyone: after all, we all know what happened last time a Republican actor became Governor of California.



Originally posted by bennator0
Have skanker run for the Libertarian party...
That's not a bad idea. They probably wouldn't object too much that he's not registered as one, as most Libertarians seem to believe that things like voter registration are for fascists. Most voters who know about the <a href="http://www.lp.org">Libertarian Party</a> and their platform very likely expect their candidates to be at least a little wacky, so Skanker wouldn't be particularly surprising in that respect, which has about an equal chance of helping or hurting him, I think.



Originally posted by Linus
**Bans Del Snizz.**
You'll get yours...*shakes fist* Er...vote for Skanker!



Originally posted by Hedgy
I would vote for Skanker,
after all, how far away is California?
That's the spirit! Vote early, vote often, as they say. Why, I ask, should a person have to face such blatant discrimination simply because he or she lives in a different state or country, has voted 137 different times in the same election, or is no longer alive? Universal suffrage should be just that! I'll give you a nice example of how laws against so-called 'voter fraud' should just be repealed. In 1928, Charles King was elected President of Liberia by over 600,000 votes. Some ne'er-do-wells complained that the election was rigged--that there were only 15,000 registered voters in the country--but look how well the nation of Liberia turned out! I say that at least part of its great success can be attributed to this proud electoral tradition, one that should be adopted everywhere democracy thrives.



Originally posted by Citizen Kane
Governor? We should make Skanker the Emperor.
I agree. But becoming governor of the largest state in the US is a good start, I say. Once in office, all he has to do is to maintain the loyalty of his legions and to gradually increase their strength. Once the Senate catches on to what he's doing and deploys its own forces, he'll have effectively consolidated his power and gained the respect and support of neighboring states. He can drive a wedge between the Empire and its allies from within and without, and his armies will deal Washington and its legions a crushing defeat. The throne will be his soon enough, my friend. There is no doubt about that.



Originally posted by bennator0
Seriously though, there are probably enough EoFF members in California to get 65 signatures, especially if they get their friends to help. I don't know about the money though.
Oh, surely there are. And unfortunately, our fundraising potential is not nearly so great, but fear not. If we can't get 10,000 or more signatures, we can always just take out a high-interest loan in the name of one Brian Carper.



Originally posted by Heath
Why stop at their friends? Why not their friends friends friends and so on?
Exactly! Hell, why not just make people up? Or, better yet, put a bunch of different X's on the petitions. If some bureaucrat complains about that, we'll sue the state for prejudice against illiterates. If nothing else, we can at least get a frivolous lawsuit or two out of this, eh?



Originally posted by Roostos
Skanker looks like a governor. And he'd probably be one of the smartest politicians ever. Is he tall? Because tall politicians get elected more often. Statistically, it's true.
Skanker looks so gubernatorial because he took lessons in it when he was a boy, along with playing baseball, eating apple pie, blacklisting communists, and taking part in other wholesome American activities. Another thing that most people don't know about Skanker is that he is well over eight feet tall, so victory is almost a given if we can get him on the ballot.



Originally posted by Burtsplurt
Just how old is Skanker now? And how does thqt compare with, say, the legal age for governorshipency?
That's an excellent question and one we get a lot (twice, actually). Article V, Section 2 of the State Constitution of California reads thus: "The Governor shall be an elector who has been a citizen of the United States and a resident of this State for 5 years immediately preceding the Governor's election. The Governor may not hold other public office. No Governor may serve more than 2 terms." These are the only necessary qualifications for eligibility for the office of Governor of California. Let's see how Skanker stacks up: First, he was born on April 2, 1985. In the United States, since the ratification of the 26th Amendment to the Constitution, all citizens 18 years of age and older have the right to vote. Since Skanker is 18, that legally makes him an 'elector'. He has both been a citizen of the US and lived in California for more than 5 years. To the best of my knowledge, he does not currently hold any public office at the federal, state, or local level, and he has not already been Governor for two terms. Therefore, Skanker is perfectly qualified to take office if elected.

MecaKane
07-30-2003, 07:34 PM
He's got my vote, and then some. =o

HOOTERS
07-30-2003, 08:39 PM
This is dumb, I hope it backfires.

Zell's Fists of Fury
07-30-2003, 08:51 PM
What're his views on child slavery?

Shlup
07-31-2003, 04:07 AM
This is almost enough to make me actually send in those voter registration papers people keep giving me. Almost.

Erdrick Holmes
07-31-2003, 04:25 AM
What can the non-Cali. residences of EOFF do to help. I wanna actually see a member in a government office.

Loony BoB
07-31-2003, 08:14 PM
DanieLoony: Congratulations and good luck. If I were from California, you'd have my full support. You're doing a great service. God bless you.
Westska21: ...what?
Auto response from DanieLoony: Pretending to cook pasta.

MecaKane
07-31-2003, 09:06 PM
Yah, I think that counts as telling him.

IGN64skanker
07-31-2003, 09:31 PM
It wasn't even him that gave it away. I had no clue what was going on. Then I got another one, and he mentioned me being skanker, so I knew what was up. Had me a little freaked out though. I'm down for running for governor as long as I don't have to do any work, and won't have to spend any money. I mean, if our president has time to take a nap everyday, how hard could being governor be? I can't believe that picture is there... I had to be like 14 or 15 there... here's a more recent picture of me for posters anyone would like to make... I hope this works.

I've always been bad at that. Try clicking this... (http://www.geocities.com/ign64skanker/skankdawg.JPG)

Strider
07-31-2003, 09:33 PM
It didn't work. :-/

If you need a PR guy, let me know.

Mikztsu
07-31-2003, 10:22 PM
It works when you right-click on the link and save it 'as'. Hi Skank.:cool: You must be pretty proud of your Ducks.

Chaos
08-01-2003, 12:03 AM
A Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies shirt?

Hell, you got my vote boy.

I am well aware of the fact that I am 16 and live in England. But, if votes can be rigged, rig me up good. Jus' rig me up good.

Please, get that office. I will laugh so much if you do. And Snizz, just take out the loan in Brians name anyway.

You could do with the cash.

Chaos

Citizen Bleys
08-01-2003, 12:32 AM
Can I be the Daimyo of the midwest when you become Emperor, Skanky?

Del Snizz
08-01-2003, 02:09 AM
Originally posted by Asorie
He's shown his interest in equal rights by supporting "All Male (and Asorie) Group Hugs" in the EoFF staff!
Skanker is definitely for equal rights. His record speaks for itself in showing that he will absolutely not tolerate intolerance. For example, this out-of-context quote reveals his tough stand on the use of sexist language:
<FONT COLOR="#0000ff" BACK="#fefefe" style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #fefefe" SIZE=1 PTSIZE=8 FAMILY="SANSSERIF" FACE="Arial" LANG="0"><B> Westska21:&nbsp;</FONT><FONT COLOR="#000000" BACK="#fefefe" style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #fefefe" SIZE=1 PTSIZE=8 FAMILY="SANSSERIF" FACE="Arial" LANG="0"></B> </FONT><FONT COLOR="#000000" BACK="#ffffff" style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffffff" SIZE=2 PTSIZE=10 FAMILY="SANSSERIF" FACE="Arial" LANG="0">"Bitch hoe skank" is okay, but not "slut".</font>


Originally posted by HOOTERS
This is dumb, I hope it backfires.
If by 'backfires' you mean "has a result that is the opposite of what is expected," then I share your sentiment. After all, Skanksky doesn't have a chance of being able to buy a major election in this country, and if the plans I described were actually carried out, we'd all surely be convicted of at least a dozen different felonies. If, on the other hand, you simply mean that you hope that the effort to get Skanker elected fail, then I humbly request that you kindly and with all due haste go to hell.


Originally posted by Spaceman Spiff
What're his views on child slavery?
Well, when you ask most candidates, you're probably going to hear a lot about how the unlucky Thirteenth Amendment forbids the institution of slavery in the United States. But at a time like this, we true patriotic Americans must know that anyone who goes around talking about 'the Constitution' or 'human rights' is a <i>terrorist</i>. Besides, what kids these days need most is some good ol'-fashioned discipline: now they just go to their public schools and learn how to smoke crack and quote Karl Marx in Arabic from some dirty hippy who spends all his obscenely large paychecks on male prostitutes. They get told things like "education is an end in itself" and go on to some worthless liberal arts college to major in 'gender studies' or 'philosophy' so that they won't be able to get a real job and can just mooch off welfare and invite a bunch of illegal immigrants over the border to take jobs away from decent Americans and spread venereal disease.

Where was I? Oh, yeah--child slavery. Kids need a taste of the lash, that's for sure! The kind of strong work ethic that made this country great doesn't come from nowhere, you know, and kids certainly won't get it from more so-called 'education' and 'positive reinforcement'. No, sir! They should be picking cotton and skimming the slag off of molten steel! And it's not like children have <i>rights</i>, anyway. They're the property of their parents, who shouldn't be letting this most precious resource go to waste.


Originally posted by Shin Akuma
What can the non-Cali. residences of EOFF do to help.
That's a good, albeit improperly punctuated, question. A common misconception about voting in this election is that you actually have to be a citizen and a resident of the state of California to do it. That's nothing but a myth, and here's what you can do to get around help:

1. Register to vote in California under an assumed name. It helps if you have the name and Social Security number of a recently-dead person, but you really don't even have to use the identity of an actual human being: fictional characters, pets, or large home appliances will do just fine.
2. On the part of the registration card that asks for your home address or a description of your residence, explain that you are a hobo and sleep in a different dumpster every night.
3. Request an absentee ballot for each 'voter' you've registered. To thwart potential investigators from the Federal Election Commission, have them all sent to post office boxes in another country.
4. Record your vote for Skanker on the ballots, and mail them the designated location. And you're done! Thanks for taking part in the Skanker for Governor campaign.

Mikztsu
08-01-2003, 02:30 AM
Where was I? Oh, yeah--child slavery. Kids need a taste of the lash, that's for sure! The kind of strong work ethic that made this country great doesn't come from nowhere, you know, and kids certainly won't get it from more so-called 'education' and 'positive reinforcement'. No, sir! They should be picking cotton and skimming the slag off of molten steel! And it's not like children have rights, anyway. They're the property of their parents, who shouldn't be letting this most precious resource go to waste.

*lmaoz* And I agree.

We need leaders like that in Finland, too. Kids these days... I will give my kids their share of belt. That's for sure.:mad2:

Zell's Fists of Fury
08-01-2003, 03:07 AM
Well, I'm convinced.

IGN64skanker
08-01-2003, 12:36 PM
Wow, man. You are one clever bastard, Snizz. Pulling that out of context and all that. I would seriously win an election... maybe. I would be even more popular in the bay area because of my keen fashion sense. Girls pants, nail polish, tight shirts, you name it, I've got it. Well, not really. But maybe someday...

Citizen Bleys
08-01-2003, 04:55 PM
You never answered my question about being Daimyo.

Raistlin
08-01-2003, 11:10 PM
As long as you give me more power than Bleys, I'm content.

Knox
08-02-2003, 04:52 AM
What are his views on the issues that matter?

Big Ogre Umaro
08-02-2003, 12:40 PM
Angela posted. That means I win the thread.

Chaos
08-02-2003, 10:58 PM
What are your comments as to the allocation of sheep to the general populace.
Would you consider 1.45 sheep to be too many, or too few?

Chaos

Heath
08-03-2003, 04:35 PM
Does he care if you break people's hearts through song?

CloudDragon
08-03-2003, 06:04 PM
Alright, well I've followed Snizz's instructions and I have been able to register a vote under 100 different identities, all legal.

This election will soon be Skanker's.

Del Snizz
08-03-2003, 10:41 PM
Originally posted by IGN64skanker
I would be even more popular in the bay area because of my keen fashion sense. Girls pants, nail polish, tight shirts, you name it, I've got it. Well, not really. But maybe someday...
Remember our little chat? This is why I should do the talking.


Originally posted by Citizen Kane
You never answered my question about being Daimyo.
Skanker feels that it is inappropriate to discuss possible appointments to any subordinate government offices before the election. He has not yet had time to meet in person with potential candidates for every position or even to review their records. He has the highest standards for those seeking office and requires a great deal of experience as well as proven results in their former occupations. Furthermore, he expects that anyone who is considering seeking a position as a liege vassal of his most glorious empire be highly qualified for the job and share his vision for the future. Skanker requests that an applicant prove his or her loyalty and valor by presenting him with the head of his hated enemy, the King of Spain. It's also a plus if the applicant cannot rest until the infidel blood of the entire race of Spaniards befouls all the earth's seas.


Originally posted by Kildarre
What are his views on the issues that matter?
Now that I am in a position to speak semipublicly regarding Skanker's candidacy and all elements of his platform, I feel obligated to appear more professional. We've drawn a lot of criticism for running such an unorthodox and informal campaign--for not making use of accepted methods or practicing the kind of politics that people expect of their leaders. Therefore, I will get out my dictionary and respond to your question using some of the finest, most time-honored political traditions I know of:

Skanker may not have an issue for every issue, but he takes issue with the issues that are the issue of issues of his opponents' publications, which ignore both the issues and the issues of Skanker's campaign, instead issuing issues without apparent issue. Furthermore, all issues matter to his campaign, so if you've inherited anything lately, we'd appreciate it if you'd issue a little help. Finally, Skanker has no issue, but if he did, they'd be perfectly legitimate. Honest.

If that's not clear enough, I'll explain something else I discovered. As a verb, the word 'matter' is defined in two ways--the first being the far more common "to be important," and the other being "to secrete pus." I think it is obvious which of these definitions is more appropriate in the context of contemporary American politics. Every issue in this election matters; they've all been infected with the interests of private campaign contributors, of corporations and lobbyists. The other candidates try to cloak their policy proposals in rhetoric about the public good and the general welfare, but they let the people who give money to them and to their parties make all the real decisions. These politicians get money from a few wealthy fat cats to spread propaganda to the voters, and once they get in office, they give their friends far more than a fair return on their investments--with your tax dollars! If you want a governor who will provide practical solutions to the problems of <i>you</i>, the people, without concern for the selfish interests of those tycoons, then Skanker is your man. If you want smart, efficient government and sensible legislation, then send those bureaucrats in Sacramento a message by electing Skanker. If you want a better future for your children and your children's children, and their children's children, and maybe even their pets, then it is imperative that you cast your vote for Skanker! Your fellow citizens are depending on you to do your duty and express your support for the best candidate for the job. Don't let them down; don't let <i>yourself</i> down; don't let little Scruffy, your children's children's children's new puppy down. Vote for Skanker.

And that's one way to say nothing in 400 words or more.


Originally posted by Chaos
What are your comments as to the allocation of sheep to the general populace.
Would you consider 1.45 sheep to be too many, or too few?
First of all, let me say that anything you've heard about Skanker and sheep is grossly exaggerated, if not an outright lie. He is a family man and has too much class and respect for order to cheat on his species. And thank you for giving us the opportunity to dispel those ugly rumors.

Now, you've probably heard that Skanker has promised that under his watch, every family in the state of California would have 1.45 sheep in their garage. You've probably also heard the complaints from animal rights groups, who charge that keeping fractions of sheep is inhumane. That's just silly. If God had intended sheep to remain whole, why did he make them so easy to cut up? Skanker will not back down from his promise, and if he is elected, the distribution of sheep and delicious portions thereof will be carried out as planned.


Originally posted by Heath
Does he care if you break people's hearts through song?
Very much so, particularly if the song is a polka. He will crack down on cases such as these and on similar violations of the Geneva Convention while he is in office.


Originally posted by CloudDragon
Alright, well I've followed Snizz's instructions and I have been able to register a vote under 100 different identities, all legal.
My lawyer wishes me to inform you that for legal purposes, you should refer to anything in my above posts as "descriptions of hypothetical situations" rather than as 'instructions', 'suggestions', 'recommendations', 'orders', "endorsements of unethical, highly illegal, often treasonous activities," etc.

Mr. Graves
08-03-2003, 11:59 PM
Since he has a speaker who's willing to fully support Skanker, and promises good things for the state, I guess, I'll do what I can as a non-resident.

Now, if I do what you ask for non-residents to do to support our candidate, how will I know you wont report me to orginizations like the CIA and such??

EDIT: I need to make sure my ass is covered, here. Hence the reason I'm asking...

Shorty
08-04-2003, 03:48 PM
Genius, I say. *starts assuming Californian identities*

Heath
08-04-2003, 09:58 PM
Are there any names we should stay away from?
Like Agnes for example.

CloudDragon
08-05-2003, 04:38 AM
Saw this on CNN today, Hustler Magazine's Larry Flynt is in the running race for CA governor, there may be some competition here.

For Details, look here. (http://www.cnn.com/2003/ALLPOLITICS/08/04/flynt.governor/index.html)

What might we do about this issue, suggestions anyone?

eestlinc
08-06-2003, 02:55 AM
a vote for skanker is a vote for FREEDOM

bennator
08-06-2003, 03:32 AM
Seriously though, according to <i>The Economist</i> a bunch of college students and bums and the like are coming up with the money to run and are candidates. Why can't Skanker do better than the avarage bum?

Del Snizz
08-06-2003, 06:32 AM
Originally posted by Mr. Graves
Now, if I do what you ask for non-residents to do to support our candidate, how will I know you wont report me to organizations like the CIA and such??
I can promise you, my friend, that no÷ne will report you to the CIA for seizing the opportunity to exercise your natural rights as a citizen of a democracy.<font size=1><sup><b>*</b></sup></font>


Originally posted by Heath
Are there any names we should stay away from?
Like Agnes for example.
Agnes is a perfectly acceptable name, though anyone who is aware of Skanker's stated policy on the distribution of sheep fragments and who has a working knowledge of Latin and religious iconography may become suspicious that someone with such a name would consider voting for him. But there are a few kinds of names that you might want to avoid. For example, most names that work for online messenger services and message boards don't look very good on a voter registration card. People don't in general give their children names with strings of numbers at the end, nor do they tend to make use of wavering patterns of capitalization. Some of the more clever officials reviewing the lists of voters might pick up on this particular scheme. There are a few other things that may raise a red flag, and you should try to avoid them accordingly: When registering your pets, remember that you do not have to use their respective species as surnames. 'Squeegee the Hamster', for example, could be changed to 'Squeegee Smith' for credibility. Similar rules apply to washing machines, VCR's, etc.


Originally posted by CloudDragon
What might we do about [the Larry Flynt] issue, suggestions anyone?
Larry Flynt's announcement in no way harms our chances of winning. In fact, Skanker welcomes any and all additions to the rich tapestry of candidates in this election, and he looks forward to the challenge of a little fair competition. He greatly admires Mr. Flynt and his work, and if elected, Skanker is considering offering him a position as special director of his character education initiative.


Originally posted by eestlinc
a vote for skanker is a vote for FREEDOM
I agree with your general sentiment, but I must say that anyone who cares so little about our future as to vote for Skanker only once is probably a terrorist.


Originally posted by bennator0
Seriously though, according to <i>The Economist</i> a bunch of college students and bums and the like are coming up with the money to run and are candidates. Why can't Skanker do better than the avarage bum?
Sadly, bums have a great deal of fundraising potential, and Skanker isn't particularly talented in the art of bumism, certainly not enough to compete head-to-head with professional hobos. One reason for the high ratio of bum campaigns this year is that the state legislature has announced that due to the massive budget deficit, it can only accept a governor who will work for food or cheap whiskey.

Don't worry, though. If Skanker can't get the money in the next few days, I have an alternative plan: he'll be eligible to run for president as early as 2020. If we start now, we should be able to build a suitable support structure and raise enough funds to mount an effective presidential campaign--provided, of course, that current trends don't continue and electing the president is once again fashionable by then.




<font size=1><sup><b>*</b></sup>This is in no way to be interpreted as a promise. Furthermore, as stated in a previous post, I have never explicitly asked that you or any other person in the real world take any action in violation of the laws of the State of California and/or of the United States of America. Finally, I can neither promise that any person(s) taking such action(s) will not be reported to and investigated by the FEC, the FBI, the California State Police, the international news media, and/or any other federal, state, local, or international organization, public or private, tasked with law enforcement, examination of elections and electoral policy, journalism and information distribution, review of ethics, etc.</font>

Mr. Graves
08-06-2003, 07:15 PM
Ok. :)

*registers under the name Doyle Eerievon*

Mikztsu
08-07-2003, 02:52 AM
And what about Bruckner? Does Bruckner have any kind of role in this? If not, where does Skanker stands in this whole Brucktoberfest issue?

eestlinc
08-07-2003, 03:03 AM
THIS MUST BE ADDRESSED

Linus
08-08-2003, 03:03 AM
This thread needs closin', mate.

Mikztsu
08-08-2003, 03:06 AM
Pffft... Skanker can beat Arnold, Linus.:cool:

Del Snizz
08-08-2003, 06:17 AM
Originally posted by Here Comes Big Mik
And what about Bruckner? Does Bruckner have any kind of role in this? If not, where does Skanker stands in this whole Brucktoberfest issue?
After consulting several oracles and a hieromancer, I have it on good authority that Anton Bruckner himself has fully endorsed Skanker's candidacy from beyond the grave, and in addition, he has given us permission to use any of his works as our official campaign song. Unfortunately, due to his medical condition, Bruckner will not be able to make a formal, public announcement regarding his endorsement of Skanker, nor will he be able to actively support the campaign. Still, Skanker recognizes Bruckner's many contributions to the betterment of humanity and to the State of California, and he promises to hold the biggest Brucktoberfest ever once he takes office. If this impedes the progress of serious legislative endeavors and prevents the government from ever seeing much-needed reform, so be it; if it plunges the state hundreds of millions of dollars further into debt, it still must be done; if the jovial celebration rapidly degenerates into drunken rioting the likes of which no civilization could possibly endure, we can still look back at the cratered fields of ash and say to the survivors, "it was all worth it."


Originally posted by Linus
This thread needs closin', mate.
This thread won't be closed until after you apologize to Squeegee. Besides, even though there's no way Skanker can meet the filing deadline for getting on the ballot, let alone be elected to major public office, this thread is as timely and important as ever. I know that the controversial idea of recalling the top executive officer of the largest state in the country for reasons that are questionable at best may not be on quite the same level as the stirring debate over which brands of nearly identical carbonated beverages should be able to add which artificial flavorings, but that's not even the issue here. The real issue is what Skanker stands for. Skanker, quite simply, is a symbol of all that makes America and the democratic system great--the values he holds above all else are eternal, and the world would be a better, freer, more peaceful place for the whole of Mankind if we could all learn to live by his example. I implore you, my friends: keep the ideals of Skanker close to your heart, and give thanks each day that the point in the vast stretches of space and time that is your life is also his. Long live Skanker!

Please continue praising Skanker in this thread. His campaign presses on. To personally thank Skanker for being so kind as to exist, just ask me for his home address. Er...actually, just say it here.

Sita Atis
08-09-2003, 02:23 PM
Oh come on, Last Action Hero wasn't THAT bad!

Del Snizz
08-10-2003, 01:59 AM
Originally posted by Sita Atis
Oh come on, Last Action Hero wasn't THAT bad!
Thanks. You have no idea what a relief it is to be free from the obligation to respect your judgment.


Well, everyone, we fought the good fight, but with only minutes to go before the official filing deadline for a declaration of candidacy, our campaign is still 65 signatures and $3,499.95 short (I found a nickel in a parking lot today). This by no means spells the end of Skanker's public life, however. I believe you Californians will still be allowed to vote for him as a write-in candidate if you so wish. However, I can say with some certainty that Skanker will formally endorse one of the perhaps hundreds of candidates with a spot on the ballot after reviewing the complete list and evaluating their respective platforms. You can expect such an announcement sometime this coming week.

In the meantime, let us not dwell on this apparent failure but rather reflect on the opportunities for our future we can now find. Skanker is far too committed to helping the people of his state and to making the whole world a better place to live than to let a minor setback trouble him. He is as ready as ever to go out there and do all the things that need to be done, but he needs your help. Tell Skanker what you'd like to see him do for you, and where you'd like him to go next. There are thousands of offices he could win and millions of problems that need to be solved. What should he fight for next?

Citizen Bleys
08-11-2003, 04:42 PM
This doesn't affect the emperorship campaign, right?

And Last Action Hero had an ace soundtrack. TWO songs by Alice in Chains, baby.

Nino Brown
08-16-2003, 11:47 PM
*adds to favorites*

Del Snizz
08-18-2003, 12:12 PM
Originally posted by Citizen Kane
This doesn't affect the emperorship campaign, right?
Yes, it does, in that we obviously won't be able to carry out the plan described in an earlier post. Fortunately, I anticipated a failed candidacy in the coming election and developed a strategy for this contingency.

It is very likely that no candidate will win a clear majority of votes should Governor Davis be recalled. The law allows for this possibility--in point of fact, one only needs to receive a <i>plurality</i> to be declared the winner. With well over 100 candidates in the race, it is theoretically possible to be elected with less than 1% of the vote. It is probable that the winner will get only 20-30% of all recall votes. Since it has been estimated that perhaps only about half the number of people who participated in the last general election will vote in the October 7 recall, we appear to be facing a situation in which the next Governor of California will be put into office by something like 10% of the electorate. Sound democratic to you?

We hope that a rigorous campaign of sowing the seeds of discord after the recall will make the people of California realize what they've allowed to happen and spur them on to push for yet another recall, starting this madness all over again. So, with the political instability caused by another proposed change of administration just weeks after the last one, the total hindrance to important government action, and the fact that the economy is still receding, we find ourselves in the perfect position to introduce to the masses--still writhing with their ignorant fury--our own Skanker, a new, charismatic leader who will wrest the reins of power from the current regime and begin to rule California with an iron fist, just as the people really wanted and needed someone to do. It will be the first glorious day on the road to empire, Bl<font size=2>e</font>ys!

And if that doesn't work out, maybe we can at least get a civil war or something out of it. That would be pretty neat.


Originally posted by Nino Brown
*adds to favorites*
Nino, you are a true patriot, and you shall someday be greatly rewarded for your contribution to The Cause. Your presence inspires us and gives us much-needed momentum. Bless you, sir.


Finally, a few words about the discouraging lack of response to this most important thread:

Normally, apathy is a positive thing for American democracy, as it helps to keep in power the tiny cadre of rich white men who know what's best for the rest of us. In this situation, however, the less you say and do, the harder it will be to get Skanker to take his rightful place among our oligarchic masters. Now, we've already established ties with the Freemasons and the Mafia, and we're trying to get in touch with the International Jewish Conspiracy that one guy who calls into radio talk shows every morning is always going on about, but what we most need right now is the support of you, the people! Please, help Skanker out and at least give us some feedback. Your efforts will not be forgotten.

Ouch!
08-21-2003, 10:56 PM
This is most likely one of the funniest things I've ever seen on the internet. But too bad it's too late.

Mr. Graves
08-21-2003, 11:44 PM
Originally posted by Zaphier
This better as hell be getting archived.

Thanks for spoiling the fun. Good one. :eep:

Ouch!
08-22-2003, 02:36 AM
...?

Del Snizz
08-27-2003, 01:24 AM
Originally posted by Zaphier
This is most likely one of the funniest things I've ever seen on the internet.
Damn! That sounded so much like a compliment until that last part. Why do people have to add those spirit-crushing qualifiers at the very end of what had otherwise been such a nice thing to say:

<i>I've never seen a more cleverly written, brilliantly acted movie...with 'Godzilla' in the title.

I respect and admire you for all the good work you've done...for the cause of increasing the illiteracy rate.

This is possibly the most hilarious story I've ever heard...about the Holocaust.</i>

So, please, if for whatever reason you want to tell someone that he's produced one of the "funniest things," try to consider his feelings before you say, "on the internet."

HOOTERS
08-27-2003, 02:57 AM
This is most likely one of the funniest things I've ever seen...only replace "funniest" with "dumbest" and "most likely" with "definately".

On the internet, that is.

Heath
08-30-2003, 10:57 PM
What about definitely? Surely Skanker doesn't approve of spelling things wrong?