Hilarious take on Street Fighter Characters

[Sephex]

If this pisses you off, don't blame me. I stole this from another forum. Please try to remember that this is someone joking around (I'm looking at you, Joel). Enjoy!

*****************************

The Street Fighter cast has over 50 characters, and they all suck. Which is saying something, seeing as how Capcom is proabably the king of milking franchises by adding even more useless characters to an already useless line up. It's going to take a while, but let's look at all these tards, and I'll remind you why you should hate them, and why you should feel stupid.

Street Fighter Two: All 5,000 versions of it.

This is the troublemaking peice of crap that started it all. Well, actually, Street Fighter one is to blame, but since no sane human being has ever bothered to own the first game, we won't bother with that. In case you've been living under a rock, or you weren't satisfied with the Super Street Fighter Two: Turbo Edition, Capcom will soon be Relaseing Super Street Fighter Two X: Extreeme Combo Tournament Collector's Edition, which is exactly the same as the previous veriousion, but now Ken's Shoryuken has .0002 more inches of reach.

Not only does this game manage to suck, but also manages to get every single culture in every major country on planet earth completly wrong.

From the rolling purple mountains of Britian to the Giant Half-Naked Statue in Thailand, you can tell Capcom put all their effort into making this game as true to life as possible. And by that I mean, getting high and opening up a coloring book.

But the stages are nothing compared to the characters themselves, which just thinking about make me angry, let's take a look shall we:

Ryu: Ah yes, The mysterious kung-fu fighter with a mysterious past who simply travels the world looking for a fight. Trademark flamer if I've ever seen one.

Let's look at the facts, we've got a sweaty muscular man who travels the world looking for other sweaty muscular men. Constantly following him is a young-semi-attracitve Japanese female who despereatly wants him to train her, and would undoubtibly bang him from the word go, and Ryu's response is always "No."

If you ask me, Ryu isn't going around the world looking for a fight, but rather trying to come to grips with his fllaming sexuality. If Sonic is Gay, then Ryu is the 12-times re-elected mayor of Queertown, and is running unapposed for a 13th.

Ken: Here we have proof from day one that Capcom doesn't have an original bone in their bodies. SF fans who love to spurt out crap like "Well, they studied at the same dojo! It's the same style." and "Well in Super Street Fighter Ken got a flaming Super so they're not really the same other then the fact that every other move they have is identical" etc, are missing the point. The fact that you actually know anything about the Street Fighter "plot" shows a much bigger problem. It's like complaining about the lighting in a crackhouse.

Chun-li: Ah, the single solitary female fighter. Who'd've guessed they'd make her into a complete slut huh? Oh you wacky Japanese. Chun-li represents the first in a long line of Capcom fighters who exist for no other reason then to flash their digital goods. I swear to god, if there's one move in this woman's repetoire that doesn't involve her underwear being exposed, I haven't been able to execute it. And let me tell you, there's nothing more exiting then watching an SNES sprite show off it's silky cotton panties! Christ.

Blanka: What the s*** is this f***?! Are you trying to tell me there's no people in Brazil? Or maybe Capcom's trying to suggest all Brazillians are monsters. Of course, since this is Capcom we're talking about here, they can't even do a simple concept like a monster right. Why the hell is this thing wearing pants?! Shouldn't they have, I dunno, worn out after 20+ years of wearing them. Not to mention this bastard's shooting off electricty more than I <!-shoot out baby batter after watching a good Asia Correra movie->*snip* ~ Big D. PANTS+LIGHTNING=DISINTIGRATION!

Also, according to the manual, Blanka learned to do electricity from eels. Excuse the flaming, burning, shouldn't-have-slept-with-that-sorority-girl piss outta me?! I want a scientific explanation on how that one works!

Dhalsim: I hate this guy. I really hate this guy. Every Indian person, and everyone who practices Yoga should seriously hate this guy and want to burn down Capcom's HQ. With their Yoga Fire of Course.

You know something, my mom takes Yoga. I've seen her Yoga tapes. THERE IS NOTHING ON THESE TAPES RELATING TO TELEPORTATION AND/OR THE BREATHING OF FIRE.

E. Honda: Here's another winner right here. A big fat guy who's pissed off because the rest of the world doesn't take Sumo seriously. Well, here's a clue tubby. No one takes Sumo seriously because it's a stupid sport. I swear, only a country like Japan would make a sport where fat sweaty men in thongs who rub up against each other their national pastime. Still want to move to the orient, anime freaks?! Of course, I bet our good man Honda is gay for Ryu, BECAUSE THEY'RE BROTHERS!

Guile: As an American, I hate Guile's guts. Apperently Capcom's perception of Americans are A) Good for nothing spoiled copycats (Ken) B) No-nonsense army idiots (Guile) or C) Desperate to be Japanese (Sodom).


Zangief:http://www.animetion.co.uk/Images/zangief.jpg



I think that's all that needs to be said about Zangeif

Balrog: All right, our first black character. Here Capcom has a chance to break the stereotype, and create a meanful and skilled fighter. And what do they do? Create a stupid, savage boxer who probably has a tendency to bite off ears. Way to go Capcom, another winner under your belt.

Vega: Dear God, can this sausage party get any meatier. Vega reigns supreme as Capcom's biggest queer to date, a Spanish assassin in love with his own image who likes killing the ugly, which is ironic since ugly nerds comprise the majority of Capcom's fan base. Jeez, can this series please produce at least one likable character?

Sagat: TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER UPPERCUT!

M. Bison: Who-boy. You go through cheap computer-played opponents, you fight your hardest. You break barrels and cars. Surley your reward is an awesome boss, one who's intimidating and creepy. Or you could get a goofy looking mother in an army suit who's more hilariously stupid looking than anything else. Meh, whatever. Chances are you're so jaded by the retardicity of the game at this point you've stopped caring.

Dee Jay: Okay Capcom, you screwed up with Balrog, but you've still got a chance here to redeem yourself with Dee Jay. As long as you don't make him some slack-jawed out of place moron who's....dammit to hell. What is with this game?! Is the grand wizard of the KKK the Character designer?

T. Hawk: I love T. Hawk because, he manages to set the bar for Capcom-based stupidity. Not only is he the embodyment of every singe native-american stereotype on the planet, they managed to put him in the WRONG DAMN COUNTRY! I mean, Guile may be a horrible stereotype, but at least he lives in the country he's a stereotype of. He's not hanging out with Dhalsim's elephants in India. Poor Mexico, as if they didn't have enough problems already, now they've got to deal with T. Hawk

Fei-Long: A Brue-Lee homage in a fighting video game. Now there's a concept that hasn't been done at least a million times. I wouldn't be surprised if Guilty Gear has one snuck in there somewhere

Cammy: Well, at least with this one, Capcom didn't even try to hide that she exists soley so anime-nerds can take a gander at her backside. Wearing the traditional British uniform of a Green-thonged swimsuit and Red Barret. Cammy has a diverse line of consisting of "Spin while showing the camera my ass" or "Make a dive while showing the camera my ass" or "Going spread-eagle victory pose." This is such obviously dumb fan service it even makes a guy like me want to run out and join the feminist movement.

Akuma: Dammit to hell. As if Ken and Ryu weren't enough, now we have this idiot to deal with. At first I loved him because he came out of nowhere and killed M. Bison, officially the first cool thing ever to happen in a street fighter game, but then ruined the moment by being the exact same as Red and White, except he was evil, and had a grimace on his face that makes him look like a muppet. It's hard to be intimidating when you're face looks like it's being controlled by strings.

Yeah, these guys suck, but I haven't even gotten to the Alpha and the SF3 characters yet. But don't worry, that's coming soon.

In the mean time, you can send your hate mail to:

Vanilla Hates My Video Game Series
P O Box 1835 Atlanta GA, 10234

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If enough people thought that was good, I'll post what he said about the Alpha people. That is, if you want it.

[Chris]

You know he's going to kill you right?

[Destai]

hahaha neat, I must have been three the last time I saw street fighter.

[NM]

I spotted two errors in that lot and I didn't even read it all. Imagine what Joels gonna find. :D

[Kawaii Ryûkishi]

Of course, I bet our good man Honda is gay for Ryu, BECAUSE THEY'RE BROTHERS!US JAPANESE FIGHTERS GOTTA STICK TOGETHER

[Erdrick Holmes]

*writes down that address and grabs a gun*

Seeya!

Oh yeah, by the way, reguardless of how much of a joke this guy wrote it, he's still dumb.

[Jebus]

Bahahahaha. That was awesome.

Street Fighter suxplzkthxbai.

[Erdrick Holmes]

The guy who wrote this is fucking stupid. He probably only played the game once at a bownling ally when his Christian paintball retreat bus broke down in front of it.

I'm taking this address and signing it up for porn or something.

[edczxcvbnm]

Joel...this is the same guy that wrote Sonic is a GIGANTIC FLAMING FAGGOT!

[Destai]

Joel...this is the same guy that wrote Sonic is a GIGANTIC FLAMING FAGGOT! :<3:

[Erdrick Holmes]

Joel...this is the same guy that wrote Sonic is a GIGANTIC FLAMING FAGGOT!

Oh, ok. NOW It's personal!

[MecaKane]

If enough people thought that was good, I'll post what he said about the Alpha people. That is, if you want it.
We want it! We want it!
Of course, I wasn't under 10 when the alpha games came out so I didn't play them.

But yes that was awesome. Perfectly perfect in every way.

Also Joel: That's a P.O. Box. Stands for Post Office Box. Stands for not his house.

[Erdrick Holmes]

If enough people thought that was good, I'll post what he said about the Alpha people. That is, if you want it.
We want it! We want it!
Of course, I wasn't under 10 when the alpha games came out so I didn't play them.

But yes that was awesome. Perfectly perfect in every way.

Also Joel: That's a P.O. Box. Stands for Post Office Box. Stands for not his house.

Yeah, you're about as dumb as the person who posted it in the first place, so no talking.

[!]Edit: http://www.livejournal.com/community/_streetfighter/40040.html[/!]

*snip*Joel, that lanaguage that you used was not something that you should link to this site. ~ Leeza

[Leeza]

Joel and Kane - especially Joel in this case: If you're going to be at each other all the time, please put yourselves on each other's Ignore List or else kiss and make up. Thanks. That would be much appreciated. :cat:

[Lionx]

I think they were joking xD

But yes alpha and third strike plz!

[Flamethrower]

I love this guy. He's like the Maddox of video games.

Could you provide a link to the original thread?

[Azure Chrysanthemum]

Amusing, although I do wish his spelling were a bit better, it'd give it more credibility.

[black orb]

>>> Its funny if you dont take it seriously.
Im not a SF fan but that review/post whatever, still a load of crap..

[Endless]

It's fun because no one should take it seriously. I mean, I could come up with similar bashing for (almost) any game ever made.

That said, Sagat's description is awfully accurate.

[KuRt]

Ofcourse we want the alpha!!! :lol: :exdee:

[radyk05]

Ofcourse we want the alpha!!!

yes, we do.

[Phil]

Thats hilarious. I hate those games already- show us the alpha link!!

[Rainecloud]

If only everyone would stop analyzing things to the tenth degree, we could have some fun around here.

;)

The ridiculous stereotypes and dumb characters are what makes Street Fighter so great. That and Chun-Li's panties, anyway.

[Armisael]

You know he's going to kill you right?
^_^

[Erdrick Holmes]

The ridiculous stereotypes and dumb characters are what makes Street Fighter so great. That and Chun-Li's panties, anyway.

Quoted for half truth.

[Old Manus]

Roll on Super Mega Street Fighter Ultra: X3 Alpha Beta Turbo Extreme Champion V4.1 Special Edition Director's cut 90th Anniversary Edition Edition 3. Alpha.

[Destai]

:love:

[Flamethrower]

I found the original thread. Since everyone seems really eager to see the Alpha characters, I will go ahead and post them.

Here is the original thread, btw.
http://forums.modojo.com/showthread.php?t=124258


Street Fighter Alpha: How a Series goes from bad to worse.

Eventually, believe it or not, people got sick of Capcom releasing the same game over and over and over again. I'm sure this made Capcom very sad, and I'm sure if they had their way, we'd eagrly be awaiting the next installment of Street Fighter Two.

So, pressured with the task to come up with a new game, Capcom thought to themselves, "hey, what if we take the same game, and add a couple more characters!"

"Wait, haven't we been doing that already?"

"Yeah, but this time we'll anime it up. Kids seem to like Anime!"

"Awesome! Now our stupid stereotypical characters will be stuid generic anime styerotypes!"

And with that a new abomination was born, the Alpha series, adding a cast of misfits that make the original cast look like Saints:

Adon: What was Sagat's biggest shortcoming? NOT GAY ENOUGH! So in comes Adon with his cringe inducing voice and hair straight out of a college production of the movie Hairspray. I really can't say much about this guy because every time I try to select him my head fills with rage and I pass out.

Birdie: Strike Three, Capcom's out. I don't even know what to make of this thing. I don't know if that thing on his head is hair, a growth defect, or some manner of hood ornament, all I know is that I hate this idiot and his big stupid arms.

Charlie: Okay, here we finally get to meet the guy that M. Bison killed that got Guile's panties in a bunch. Which I don't understand how anyone could miss this idiot if he died. Capcom brances out, deciding that Ryu clones weren't enough, that other characters needed exact copies too.

Cody: I don't know what this guy is doing in a Street Fighter game. This guy looks like a Run-away extra from O Brother Where Art Thou. Every time I see him the Big Rock Candy mountain starts playing in my head, and I can't concentrate on the game.

Dan: Okay, I got nothing bad to say about this guy. He's awesome

Gen: You're typical Pei-Mei style old martial arts guy that is required to be in every fighting game produced in Japan. I guess Capcom didn't recieve the memo until the Saturn came out, but regardless, they added another overdone cliche to their already impressive lineup. Even better is this old duff is Capcom's pathetic attempt at a Soul-Calibur style stance change.

Guy: Honsestly, I don't know a damn thing about guy, nore do I care to learn.

Juli and Juni: The sad part is, Juli and Juni are the most interesting characters in SFA, mainly because they're the only ones who manage to shut up every now and then. Every single idiot seems to want to sum up their life's story in their victory quote, but these two seem to be the only ones who realize that that not every single word needs to be overdramatized. Still, as useless clones, I hate them on principle.

Karin: Has anyone at Capcom ever talked to a woman? Could they even try to base one person on how actual people live, and talk? If I met someone in real life who was even half the bitch Karin was, chances are I'd either walked into an S&M torture chamber or an Al-Queda recruitment camp.

R. Mika: I never thought they'd out-whore Cammy. I'm saddened to say I was very, very wrong. Look at her, her outfit looks like something that would make Howard Stern blush. She's got a thing for Zangeif, to bad he's so darn gay.

Rolento: See Dan

Rose: Okay, here's where Street Fighter's plot *snicker* goes from Bad to a type of bad that can only come in the form of anime. Apperently she's the good bison, or his soul, or some crap like that. I don't know, I'm always too busy laughing at SF's cutscenes to know what's really going on. The point is, at least in SF2, it was more or less based on reality. There really are people who do Karate, Sumo, and Yoga. But I'll be damned if I can take the good female soul of M. Bison seriously.

Sakura: Ah, the archtype, cute schoolgirl. I swear, Capcom doesn't have one orginal bone in their bodies. Like with Chun-li, Sakura carries on the legacy of flashing her undewear no matter what move she does, even if it's the damn Light Punch. I wish every time I was being hit by a girl (which is a lot) her skirt would magically fly up and I could see her butt-cheeks.

Sodom: You know how I could make the easy joke about Sodom's name sounding like "Sodomy" and it being a parallel to how all these loonies take it up the ass? Yeah, I'm gonna go with the easy joke here.

[MecaKane]

I found the original thread. Since everyone seems really eager to see the Alpha characters, I will go ahead and post them.

Here is the original thread, btw.
http://forums.modojo.com/showthread.php?t=124258


Street Fighter Alpha: How a Series goes from bad to worse.

Eventually, believe it or not, people got sick of Capcom releasing the same game over and over and over again. I'm sure this made Capcom very sad, and I'm sure if they had their way, we'd eagrly be awaiting the next installment of Street Fighter Two.

So, pressured with the task to come up with a new game, Capcom thought to themselves, "hey, what if we take the same game, and add a couple more characters!"

"Wait, haven't we been doing that already?"

"Yeah, but this time we'll anime it up. Kids seem to like Anime!"

"Awesome! Now our stupid stereotypical characters will be stuid generic anime styerotypes!"

And with that a new abomination was born, the Alpha series, adding a cast of misfits that make the original cast look like Saints:

Adon: What was Sagat's biggest shortcoming? NOT GAY ENOUGH! So in comes Adon with his cringe inducing voice and hair straight out of a college production of the movie Hairspray. I really can't say much about this guy because every time I try to select him my head fills with rage and I pass out.

Birdie: Strike Three, Capcom's out. I don't even know what to make of this thing. I don't know if that thing on his head is hair, a growth defect, or some manner of hood ornament, all I know is that I hate this idiot and his big stupid arms.

Charlie: Okay, here we finally get to meet the guy that M. Bison killed that got Guile's panties in a bunch. Which I don't understand how anyone could miss this idiot if he died. Capcom brances out, deciding that Ryu clones weren't enough, that other characters needed exact copies too.

Cody: I don't know what this guy is doing in a Street Fighter game. This guy looks like a Run-away extra from O Brother Where Art Thou. Every time I see him the Big Rock Candy mountain starts playing in my head, and I can't concentrate on the game.

Dan: Okay, I got nothing bad to say about this guy. He's awesome

Gen: You're typical Pei-Mei style old martial arts guy that is required to be in every fighting game produced in Japan. I guess Capcom didn't recieve the memo until the Saturn came out, but regardless, they added another overdone cliche to their already impressive lineup. Even better is this old duff is Capcom's pathetic attempt at a Soul-Calibur style stance change.

Guy: Honsestly, I don't know a damn thing about guy, nore do I care to learn.

Juli and Juni: The sad part is, Juli and Juni are the most interesting characters in SFA, mainly because they're the only ones who manage to shut up every now and then. Every single idiot seems to want to sum up their life's story in their victory quote, but these two seem to be the only ones who realize that that not every single word needs to be overdramatized. Still, as useless clones, I hate them on principle.

Karin: Has anyone at Capcom ever talked to a woman? Could they even try to base one person on how actual people live, and talk? If I met someone in real life who was even half the bitch Karin was, chances are I'd either walked into an S&M torture chamber or an Al-Queda recruitment camp.

R. Mika: I never thought they'd out-whore Cammy. I'm saddened to say I was very, very wrong. Look at her, her outfit looks like something that would make Howard Stern blush. She's got a thing for Zangeif, to bad he's so darn gay.

Rolento: See Dan

Rose: Okay, here's where Street Fighter's plot *snicker* goes from Bad to a type of bad that can only come in the form of anime. Apperently she's the good bison, or his soul, or some crap like that. I don't know, I'm always too busy laughing at SF's cutscenes to know what's really going on. The point is, at least in SF2, it was more or less based on reality. There really are people who do Karate, Sumo, and Yoga. But I'll be damned if I can take the good female soul of M. Bison seriously.

Sakura: Ah, the archtype, cute schoolgirl. I swear, Capcom doesn't have one orginal bone in their bodies. Like with Chun-li, Sakura carries on the legacy of flashing her undewear no matter what move she does, even if it's the damn Light Punch. I wish every time I was being hit by a girl (which is a lot) her skirt would magically fly up and I could see her butt-cheeks.

Sodom: You know how I could make the easy joke about Sodom's name sounding like "Sodomy" and it being a parallel to how all these loonies take it up the ass? Yeah, I'm gonna go with the easy joke here.

Darth quoted for Darth Truth
~Darth Kane

Darth.

Probably would've found it funnier if I gave half a crap to play the alpha ones. But once again: Over 10. Yes.

[Erdrick Holmes]

This is why stupid people should not be allowed to use the internet, people spout off negative crap about something they know nothing about. The guy who wrote this is a freaking attention whore.

The thing about Street Fighter is you gotta have maturity to like it. Or at least an IQ beyond that of a sea snail.

[Destai]

This is why stupid people should not be allowed to use the internet, people spout off negative crap about something they know nothing about. The guy who wrote this is a freaking attention whore.

The thing about Street Fighter is you gotta have maturity to like it. Or at least an IQ beyond that of a sea snail.Irony whore.

[Jebus]

Seriously, Joel. Lighten up. You talk about maturity, and you can't even take a joke.

Anyways, f'in hilarious.

[Lindy]

Joel, you're the funniest man alive.

...Oh wait you were being serious, crap.

Haha, maturity, video games, yes the system requirements on most games include maturity.

Please Joel, enlighten us on why you need maturity to look at a girl's panties or naked behind, and why you need it to QCF-HK properly.

[Erdrick Holmes]

You need maturity to not point out and nit pick at all of the little things wrong with stuff.

[Destai]

wow what a fanboy.

[Shoeberto]

You need maturity to not point out and nit pick at all of the little things wrong with stuff.
VIDEO. GAME.

[Lindy]

Sure Joel, you've never nitpicked at little things.

Hypocrisy, god bless.

And Hsu wins.

[Destai]

And Hsu wins.:/

[Leeza]

Please don't make me close this thread.

[Halifax Housewife]

The guy who wrote this is a freaking attention whore.

Sounds like someone I know.

Awesome article. I think this individual flamed the Grand Theft Auto series, too. You're right, he is the Maddox of video games.

[Mercen-X]

If that's true about the GTA thing, Joel should get along well with this guy. And yes, Joel is a hypocrite who continually suggests that GTA is turd glittered for effect that only appeals to people with the intention to blow stuff up and kill everyone in sight. Yeah, real mature there, guy. I'll stop now.

[Leeza]

Too late.