A few bad jokes

[Francis Begbie]

GENIE JOKE
A man and a woman are crossing the desert. They find a lamp in the sand. The man rubs the lamp and nothing happens. Afterward, he feels a bit foolish.

Knock Knock

Whos there

http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~tones/photos/patsharp.jpg

You may now do as you please.

[Resha]

The Genie joke was a BAD idea. Very bad. :(

[T-MaN]

Crossing the desert just to find out that the lamp you were looking for was a fake is a serious let down. Gah :exdee:, what a crime.
The worst joke I've ever heard is this one...
>Knock Knock
>Who's There?
>Lettuce
>Lettuce Who?
>Lettuce in, it's cold outside.

[WildRaubtier]

I have fleas. This makes more sense than you.

[The Redneck]

What do you call a boomerang that don't come back?
A stick.

And there's only one knock-knock joke that's actually funny...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Bl... oh, no...
Micheal Jackson!

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call 'im, he ain't comin' over.

[ZuZu]

I'm have to put this :D

What the woman says:

Hey, this house is a mess, you and me are gonna start cleaning now. And what are your pants doing on the floor? You’re gonna be without clothes tomorrow if we don’t do the laundry right now!

And what the man hears...

HEY blah blah blah blah YOU AND ME blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah blah blah blah WITHOUT CLOTHES blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

[radyk05]

im laughing my ass off because of yer signature, ZuZu.

[ZuZu]

im laughing my ass off because of yer signature, ZuZu.
Thanks radyk05. I love my signature :love:
----

*OWA fight*
*the song starts and the battle commences. Ater a while, sephiroth uses super nova, nothing happens*
Director: crap, someone get a rock to throw at 'em!
*Yuffie finds a rock and throws it at the party, but misses and hits sephy in the head*
Sephy: ow!!
Singers: sephi-hahaha....sephir---hahaha......HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
sephy: grrrr...
Director: sigh...cut....
----
*Clouds Past*

*Cloud is rummaging through tifa's things, like usual...*
Cloud: i forget what i was supposed to find here...oh well...
*Cid comes out of nowhere and drops his cigarette*
Cloud: what the-?
Cid: uh oh....
*Cd and Cloud run off to find that Tifa's house caught on fire, and made the rest of Nbelheim go up in flames*
Cloud: *Back in Kalm* so thats what happened..
Director: CUT!!!
----
*in bugenhagans lab*

Bugenhagan: now check out my apparatus..
Cloud: alright...
*Bugenhagen presses the button, but instead of the universe that pops up, a dirty picture comes up in its place*
Cloud: what the....Tifa?!?!?
Bugenhagen: aw shoot..
*Bugenhagen clicks it off and shoves them out of his house*
Bugenhagen: no vistors!!
Director: you idiot!! CUT!!
----
Tseng and Sephiroth are in the room with murals in the Temple of the Ancients...

Tseng: "Sephiroth, what is this place?"
Sephiroth: "You mean you don't know either?"

[The Anarchy Angel]

im laughing my ass off because of yer signature, ZuZu.

Yea, where'd ya come up with that?

[Hawkeye]

How come you cant eat soup in the matrix?
Because there is no spoon!

Whats does a Texas tornado and a Tenessee divorce have in common?
Someon's gonna lose a trailer

[Zeldy]

How come you cant eat soup in the matrix?
Because there is no spoon!

Whats does a Texas tornado and a Tenessee divorce have in common?
Someon's gonna lose a trailer

I dont get them =/

What hand do you wipe your ass with?

"... My right/Left"

EWWW i use toilet paper O.o

[mike without a hat]

Someone brought a joke book into class today and we found the most random joke EVER!
Why do Elephants have spaces between their toes?
So they have a place to keep their library cards!
If anyone here understands this please help us.

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Because they practice.

What do you call a bucket thats red? A red bucket
What do you call a bucket thats blue? A red bucket in disguise.

[Shlup]

Stupid jokes for stupid people. *dies laughing*

[-N-]

Some of these are dumb.

But some of them are really funny. xD

[Rainecloud]

Doctor, Doctor - I keep seeing talking animals. Today, I saw a talking mouse, yesterday I saw a talking duck ... and I've even seen a talking pig!

I know what's wrong. You're having Disney Spells!

[Raven Nox]

Many of them I don't get or they're just to stupid they aren't funny...bad jokes can be funny, but only a couple actually are.

[Jojee]

hahaha XD

Okay, I'm easily amused.

[Agent Proto]

Here's a dirty joke. :D

The white horse fell in mud.

Now the clean joke.

The dirty horse took a bath.

[Meat Puppet]

oh okay
all mine then

[ZuZu]

im laughing my ass off because of yer signature, ZuZu.

Yea, where'd ya come up with that?I found it and it was so funny that I wanted to use it as my signature. :D

[Old Manus]

There are two tomatoes. One says "Hello". The other says "HOLY /xxx.gif/xxx.gif/xxx.gif/xxx.gif A TALKING TOMATO!"

[Francis Begbie]

What did paul say to john?

Hello, my name is bob.

<!--What do you get when you put a knife in a baby?

An erection

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can look into its eyes when you masturbate! -->*snip*

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the chicken lacks any reasoning or decision-making capabilities, it seems unlikely the chicken's action was spurred by any particular motivation.

The dead baby ones are funny cos they're true.

Do not post that type of crap on this board. ~ Leeza

[boris no no]

GENIE JOKE
A man and a woman are crossing the desert. They find a lamp in the sand. The man rubs the lamp and nothing happens. Afterward, he feels a bit foolish.

Knock Knock

Whos there

http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~tones/photos/patsharp.jpg

You may now do as you please.
hahahaha pat sharp is awesome!
i did not like yours francis....a bit uncalled for....

[Old Manus]

<!--
What do you get when you put a knife in a baby?

An erection

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can look into its eyes when you masturbate!
-->*snip*

:-/

[Triple T]

Here's a dirty joke. :D

The white horse fell in mud.

Now the clean joke.

The dirty horse took a bath.

The dirty horse took a bath with Bubbles.

Here's a nasty joke.

Bubbles is his neighbour.

[Francis Begbie]

<!--
What do you get when you put a knife in a baby?

An erection

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can look into its eyes when you masturbate!
-->*snip*

:-/

Like I said, they're funny because they're true.

[boris no no]

<!--
What do you get when you put a knife in a baby?

An erection

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can look into its eyes when you masturbate!
-->*snip*

:-/

Like I said, they're funny because they're true.
that just makes you sick

[FallenSilence]

I've got to agree there.

[Francis Begbie]

Thanks, I'll take it as a compliment.

[FallenSilence]

You really shouldn't.

[boris no no]

Thanks, I'll take it as a compliment.
you shouldn't love....

[Rusty]

I was told a few jokes today.

'My friend is so fat when she walks into a bar she already has a hangover'.

and

'How do New Zealanders find sheep on a beach?'
'Very Sexy'.

I like the NZ one best xD

[DreamingOfDreams]

Being sick isn't a good thing.

Anyway, here's the best joke in the world -
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
hahahahahah!!!!

[ThroneofDravaris]

<!--
What do you get when you put a knife in a baby?

An erection

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can look into its eyes when you masturbate! -->*snip*



Ah, nothing breaks the ice like a good pedophile joke.

….seriously though, seek help.

[Primus Inter Pares]

….seriously though, seek help.


I would advise the same, AND we all know that NWO stands for Norwegian World Order!

[The Jamie Star Scenario]

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association.

[Zeldy]

Thanks, I'll take it as a compliment.
xD

What colour is a house made of red bricks?

-Red..?

What colour is a house made of blue bricks?

-Blue

What colour is a house made out of green bricks?

-Green..?

WRONG

See through.. A green house!

[Jojee]

'How do New Zealanders find sheep on a beach?'
'Very Sexy'. lol :p

[Jess]

A woman walks into a shop looking to buy a TV.
She asks the assistant, "Can I buy that TV up there?"
And he replies, "Sorry we don't serve women in here."
So she leaves, buys a wig and goes back in.
She asks the assistant, "Can I buy that TV up there?"
And he replies, "Sorry we don't serve women in here."
So she leaves, buys a fake moustache' and goes back in.
She asks the assistant, "Can I buy that TV up there?"
And he replies, "Sorry we don't serve women in here."
So she leaves, buys some male clothing and puts on a really deep voice and goes back in.
She asks the assistant, "Can I buy that TV up there?"
And he replies, "Sorry we don't serve women in here."
"How do you know I'm a woman?!"
"Well first of all its a microwave."

I shouldn't be encouraging this kind of joke, because I'm a female, but when my friend told me, I found it funny. :D

[FallenSilence]

That's a good one, Jess!

[Sepho]

How come you cant eat soup in the matrix?
Because there is no spoon!

http://www.eyesonff.com/forums/images/smilies/lol.gif


I just about lost my juice when I caught that one.

[The Redneck]

A bear strolls through Billings, Montana, and goes into a bar. He walks through the door, leans his huge body up against the bar, and growls, "Gimme a beer!"

"Sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

"Dammit, I said gimme a beer!"

"I told you, we don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

On huge hair arm thrusts out and a paw points at a middle-aged woman in the corner. "You see that barfly there! If you don't gimme a beer right #$##in' now, I'm gonna eat that barfly!"

"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings who are bullies."

The bear simply growls, walks over to the barfly--and sure enough, he eats her. He comes back to the bar, wipes the blood off his lips with one huge paw and says, "NOW you gonna gimme a beer?"

"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings who are bullies, who are also on drugs."

"DRUGS?!? What the hell are you talkin' about?"

"That was a bar-bitch-you-ate."


------------------------

During the latter days of the Old West, during the days of cattle drives and gunfighters, there was a kid who wanted nothing more than to be the fastest gun in the West--he wasn't a very bright kid, see?

So he practiced and practiced and practiced, and he was fast, but he knew he still wasn't the fastest there was.

One night he was settin' around in a saloon and he saw an old man he recognized--because back in his day, this old man had been the fastest gun there was; in the West or anywhere. So he walked up to the old fellow, bought him a drink, and explained his situation--and then asked if the old-timer had any tips.

"Well, first off, y'holster's ridin' too high on y'laig. Lower it jus' a mite, so's it comes more natural to y'hand."

"Will a little thing like that really make me a better gunfighter?"

"Sho' will."

So the kid took off the gunbelt, adjusted it a bit, strapped it back on, and made sure it was good an' low on his leg. Then he stood up, whipped that gun out like greased lightning, and the cufflink flew off the piano-player's wrist as the gunshot boomed through the small room.

"Whoa, that really did help! Got any other tips?"

"Ayup... Cut a notch in y'holster, right where th'hammer rides, so's it won't scrape on th'way out."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Sho' will"

So the kid took off his gunbelt again, set the pistol on the table, then drew his Bowie knife and cut a notch in the holster. He inspected his handywork, then slid the pistol back in to see how it fit, smiled, stood, and strapped on the gunbelt. This time the gun just about lept into his hand, and as the gunshot cracked across the saloon-room the coal went flying right off the piano-player's cigar.

"Whoa.... That really did work... Got any other tips for me?"

"Ayup.... See that bucket of axle grease over there? Coat y'gun with it."

This certainly makes sense, so the kid grabs a handful of grease and slathers it over the barrel of his pistol

"Naw, boy--coat th'whole thing; handle an' all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Naw... But when Wyatt Earp gits done playin' th'pianer, he's gonna come over here an' shove that gun right up y'ass--an' this way, it won't hurt s'much."

[DreamingOfDreams]

hahaha. those are funny! lol x x x x

[FiragaBreak]

There was a black man, white man, Chinese man. One day they were hit by a truck and they went to hell. The devil was waiting at the gate of hell. He said, "I have a test for each of you. I want you to put your penises in my hand and if the melt you have to work of rme forever. However ir it doesn't you can go to heaven." The white man went first. His penis melted. The devil said,"You have the task of washing my underwear." The Chinese man went and his penis was too small to go into the devil's hand. The devil said,"You have the task of washing my sheets." The black man went and his penis didn't melt. The devil stood there amazed and said, "Why doesn't your penis melt?" The black man smiled and said, "Melts in your mouth not in your hand."

(Not trying to be racist)

Momma jokes

Yo momma so fat when she went into the ocean the whales startd singing, "We Are Family"

Yo mooma so fat when she when outside with a yellow shirt on someone yelld out, "Hey,Taxi!"

Yo momma so dumb when she was told to act her own age she died.

Yo momma so dumb she thought Rush Limbaugh was a fast dance.

Yo momma so ugly when she when into a haunted house she came out with a job application.

[The Redneck]

Yo mamma so fat she walks across the room and the radio skips.

Yo mamma so bald when she puts on a turtleneck sweater she looks like a busted condom.


What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead woodchucks?
You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Why do some blondes have bruises on their belly-buttons?
Because blonde guys ain't too bright either.

[Rainecloud]

Stop making me laugh. My guts hurt.

[FiragaBreak]

One day Johnny Deeper was at home with his girlfriend and they were going at it. His grilfriend was in her climax and she was screaming, "Johnny, deeper!" His mom came home and called his name, "Johnny Deeper! Where are you?" He said, "I'm deep enough!" His dad walked in and called his name, "Johnny Deeper! Where are you?" Again he said "I'm deep enough!" Then his grandma came in and called his name, "Johnny Deeper! Where are you?" This time he said, "I can't go any deeper!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day S***, Damn, and Manners were walking when S*** was hit by a car. Damn went to tell someone. He said to an old lady, "Help, S*** was hit by a car!" She was horrified at the language of this boy. "What's wrong with you?" she said. Damn said, "S*** was hit by a car! You got to help him!" Again the woman was shocked. She said, "What's wrong with you? Where are your manners?" Damn said, "Out there Picking up S***."

[The Redneck]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along when they come to a trail. The Lone Ranger starts to cross but Tonto scrambled down from his horse, presses his ear to the ground, then got back on his horse and faded back into the brush. "Horse come, Kemosabe."

"Nonsense, Tonto--why, there ain't anybody within 50 miles except the Burrows outfit!"

Tonto nodded. "Horse come, Kemosabe."

The Lone Ranger shrugged and got back into the brush himself--and sure enough, a minute later the Burrows outfit, 30 strong, came riding through--if they'd tried to cross they'd have been seen, and it would have meant a tough fight.

"Now, how did you know that?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Ground make ear go clop-clop, like when horse come."

Later that day, the two came across railroad tracks. The Lone Ranger got out his canteen, ready to take a break, but Tonto scrambled down from his horse, pressed his ear to the rails, then got back on his horse and rode across the rails.

"What's with that, Tonto? It's hot, and about time for a break."

"Train come, Kemosabe."

"Naw, that can't be right--there's not a train due for another few hours."

Tonto shrugged. "Train come, Kemosabe."

The Lone Ranger shrugged and followed Tonto across the tracks and away from them--and not five minutes later, a train came roaring along. Had they stayed where they were they'd have taken their break while choking on dust and smoke.

"How did you know there was a train comin', Tonto?"

"Ground make ear go chugga-chugga, like when train come."

Towards evening they were still riding along, and were at the top of a high hill in open plains where they could see for miles and miles. Tonto got down from his horse, pressed his ear to the ground, then looked up and said "Buffalo come, Kemosabe."

"Now, this time I know you're wrong. The hunters have killed the buffalo off here--and besides, we can see for a good dozen miles in any direction. We'd be able to see 'em."

Tonto shrugged. "Buffalo come, Kemosabe."

"Now, how do you know that?"

<span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Do not read this next part.... :</span>&nbsp;<span class="spoiler">"Ground make ear sticky, like when buffalo come."</span>

[Lich3636]

peter asks jesus to watch the gates to heaven so jesus does after a while a old man come up to jesus and says " have you seen my son he has holes in his hands and feet" jesus says "Father?" the old man says "pinochio ?"

a man goes to a psycic (bad spelling skills) and asks if there will be golf in heaven and the psycic says "well theres good news and bad news the good news is yes the bad news is you have a 10 o'clock tee time

[The Anarchy Angel]

How do you get a tramp into a phone booth?
Throw in a can of beans

How do you get him bakc out again?
Run past with a can opener

Yea, they were terrible weren't they?

[FiragaBreak]

Redneck that was the nastiest joke I have ever heard.

[Mo-Nercy]

What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

[Crazy the Clown]

I spoke to someone from another country during his month-long visit to the USA. His accent threw me off.

Me-What was the first thing you did when you came to this country?
Foreigner-I bought toupees. (He stroked his long, red hair.)
Me-You didn't need them.
Foreigner-Yes, I did. I was starvin'. I bought a pay for now, and a pay for later.
Me-Oh, you bought two pies.
Foreigner-Yes, clean your ears. Next thing I did was go to a bar. There, I drank an English beer, and I think it was pure ale.
Me-So, you liked it?
Foreigner-I just said it was pure 'ale!
Me-Pure hell?
Foreigner-Right. So I decided to knock back a few Canadian beers. After I was done, I wanted to pee.
Me-I should imagine.
Foreigner-But I couldn't.
Me-So, you just held it in?
Foreigner-What're you talking about?
Me-Well, you said you couldn't pee.
Foreigner-The reason I couldn't pee was because I didn't have the money. You gotta have money to pee the tab for your drinks.
Me-Oh, pay.
Foreigner-Right. Anyway, to pee off my debt, I was cuttin' up my mate.
Me-Why were you cutting up your mate?
Foreigner-To put it in the pot.
Me-Your meat.
Foreigner-Right. The cook and her assistant who I was helpin' to pee off my debt each had a lovely pear. The bartender wanted'a rape one during my break. He said I could have at a pear, too.
Me-Isn't that sexual harassment? (Pear, pair, they rhyme, so I was thrown off.)
Foreigner-I don't see how. He wanted'a rape one. I didn't want'a rape one. So he hade the rape one, and I had the unrape one.
Me-Oh, ripe pears.
Foreigner-Right. Then, an officer came in, looked at the pot, then looked at the bartender, and said, "Irish stew."
Me-Irish stew in the pot?
Foreigner-Irish stew in the name of the law. He didn't know his liquor license expired.
Me-He was arrested?
Foreigner-Right. Three weeks later, he was sentenced to 9 months.
Me-Some people have trouble understanding sentences. Did he have any trouble understanding the sentence?
Foreigner-Nowhere near as much trouble as I do understandin' your sentences. I'm goin' back home.
Me-Why?
Foreigner-It's the only place where they speak bloody English.

[The Redneck]

This joke as I originally heard it was significantly more offensive (the setting was Mississippi, rather than the fictional Forum-land, and the joke invented circa 1950 or so...), so I made up a few details out of pure cloth to change it...

A fellow in Forum-land went to the dentist and explained to Big Dentist, DM, that he needed a tooth pulled.

"are you liberal or conservative?" Big Dentist, DM, asked the fellow, and he answered "Liberal".

"Well, that'll be $75, and I'll need to schedule you for an hour appointment--how will that work?"

The fellow said that it would work just fine, and then explained that he had a friend who also needed a tooth pulled.

"Is this guy conservative or liberal?" Big Dentist, DM, asked, and the fellow answered, "Well, he's a conservative."

"Oooh... Well, it's going to be $1,800 and he'll need to stay three days."

"I'm probably going to wish I hadn't asked," the fellow started, "but why the price difference and the stay?"

"Well, they're not allowed to open their mouths around here, so we have to go in through the bottom."