Humorous Answering Machine Messages. [Archive] - Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums

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Agent Proto

07-26-2005, 11:15 PM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v356/proto3k2/ToS/kratos1.gif Alright, so I was looking online and I found a bunch of fake messages one could use on their answering machines. Anyway, the point is to have you also create some your own messages, you can make them funny, straight to the point, or whatever.

Anyway, here are some examples of Answering Maching messages that I came up with.

• "You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me..."

• "Hi. Now you say something."

• Drawling granny voice: "Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot."

• "Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to me, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to my room mate, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system."

• In a bored voice: "Heaven, God speaking..."

• "I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message."

• Darth Vader voice: "Speak, worm!"

• "This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when."

• "Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye."

• Bullwinkle: "Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!"
Rocky: "Again?"
Bullwinkle: "Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO!" (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.)
Bullwinkle: "Must have been a wrong number."
Rocky: "Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message."

• Recorded during a party: "HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB Yeah!! We're having a party!! Come on over! Mike's not home right now!! Look out! Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. Was that the phone ringing? BEEP!"

Mo-Nercy

07-26-2005, 11:41 PM

That one George does on Seinfeld...heheh. Good times.

"Believe it or not, George isn't at home. So leave a message after the beep. I must be out or I would've picked up. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home!"

Spiffing Cheese

07-26-2005, 11:52 PM

"Stop ringing this number, loser."

Ouch!

07-26-2005, 11:55 PM

When my mom and dad first got married they did a message together. My dad would say a line in Spanish and my mom would translate it to English in a very proffesional voice.

"Escuche y repita."
"Listen and repeat."
"¿Dónde está Suzanna?"
"Where is Suzanna?"
"Suzanna está en la biblioteca."
"Suzanna is in the library."
"Deje por favor su nombre y un breve mensaje después del tono."
"Please leave your name and a brief message after the tone."

Bomber

07-26-2005, 11:56 PM

One time I heard...

"Hello? **long pause** Ha! Fooled you! This is our voice mail. Please leave a message after the tone..."

Another kinda funky one...

"Whazzup there buddy, how do ya do!?
We cannot right now talk to you.
So leave your name, your message, and your number, too,
And as soon as we can, we'll get back to you! (yeah)"

-N-

07-27-2005, 12:00 AM

Rye

07-27-2005, 12:36 AM

Shoeberto

07-27-2005, 12:36 AM

"DIE, COMMIE SCUM!"

I tried :(

Levian

07-27-2005, 12:39 AM

Humourous Answering Machines are only short for ham anyway. HAM.

-N-

07-27-2005, 01:11 AM

You mean long for ham?

Oooh, now I want a ham sandwich.

Levian

07-27-2005, 01:13 AM

You mean long for ham?

That's what I said, stupid.

Lindy

07-27-2005, 01:14 AM

I don't have an answering machine, if it's important, they'll call back anyway.

Therefore, I win.

Fuzakeru

07-27-2005, 01:18 AM

"DIE, COMMIE SCUM!"

I tried :(

Wins. ^.^

However, I want our message to just have a pause then Myles quoting SNL, "I DRIVE A SATURN!!" xD! -giggles-

-N-

07-27-2005, 02:29 AM

You mean long for ham?

That's what I said, stupid.I'll give you a little longer to edit your post, then. :p

Levian

07-27-2005, 02:50 AM

You mean long for ham?

That's what I said, stupid.I'll give you a little longer to edit your post, then. :p

Thanks, I appreciate it.

Erdrick Holmes

07-27-2005, 02:55 AM

I once called my friends house. This was the message I got.

"How the hell do ya make this thing *beep*"

Kirkpatrick

07-27-2005, 08:14 AM

"DO THE MESSAGE! Do do do do do do do do doo do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do doo do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do...After the beep."

"Hello? **long pause** Ha! Fooled you! This is our voice mail. Please leave a message after the tone..."

My sister encountered one even more detailed, with a full:
"Hello?...
...
Yes, speaking...
...
I'm fine, how are you?...
...
Good..."
and so forth - apparently it was really well done and hard to tell it was a machine :p.

Or, a modified version of the "Red pill blue pill" speech in the Matrix:
"...Or, stay on the line, and see just how deep this rabbit hole goes..."

Meat Puppet

07-27-2005, 08:44 AM

I got a phonecall once. It was a wrong number but I managed to keep them on for at least 10 seconds. :)

Endless

07-27-2005, 09:01 AM

"Hello? **long pause** Ha! Fooled you! This is our voice mail. Please leave a message after the tone..."

My sister encountered one even more detailed, with a full:
"Hello?...
...
Yes, speaking...
...
I'm fine, how are you?...
...
Good..."
and so forth - apparently it was really well done and hard to tell it was a machine :p.

Or, a modified version of the "Red pill blue pill" speech in the Matrix:
"...Or, stay on the line, and see just how deep this rabbit hole goes..."

Yeah, these are classics.

A friend of mine currently has his say: "Answering Machine, message, beep *beep*"

One taken from a fantasy rpg parody show:

"You are on the dwarf's answering machine. I am not here, because I'm doing, er... stuff. You can leave me a message, it'll cost you 5 gold coins. *money sound* That will teach you about leaving me messages."

Loony BoB

07-27-2005, 10:07 AM

My all-time favourite has to be one that my Aunty Di told me.

"Hi, I'm not picking up the phone right now because I'm avoiding someone. Leave a message, and if I don't call you back in five minutes - it's you."

boris no no

07-27-2005, 10:17 AM

the one my friend has is funny but its rude so i cannot put it
xDDD
one i used to have was "who the hell are you? and why are you wasting my answer machines time by calling me?"
but my dad made me get rid of it because he always thought i was talking to him xDDD
another person i know has him just saying hello?? hhheeeeellllo??? can you hear me? are you there?
so you think its him talking xD ans yes i was fooled the first time :D

Azure Chrysanthemum

07-27-2005, 10:36 AM

Loony BoB

07-27-2005, 01:15 PM

One that my friend had:

(In robot voice) "Hi. Stephy's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I will tape your message to myself with one of these magnets."
Haha, my Aunty Di used that one too. :p She's the queen of answering machine messages. I think she had a book that had an entire chapter of them.

Cruise Control

07-27-2005, 04:26 PM

Old: (In italian accent) Hey its me, I'm currently unable to tell you my name or answer your phone call because I'm on the run from the mafia. But however, if you leave your name message and phone-number, I'll call you when I reach greece.

New: Hey this is me, if you don't know who I am, you shouldn't be calling. But if you know who I am, leave your name message and phone-number and I'll call you back

Drift

07-27-2005, 05:31 PM

• "This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when."

Classic xD and what anime is your sig from?

Endless

07-27-2005, 06:14 PM

• "This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when."

Classic xD and what <b>anime</b> is your sig from?

xD From Tales of symphonia, on the Gamecube.

My cousin had this for a message for a while:
"Hey! I'm not here right now, 'cause I'm either sleeping, taking my shower, eating or pooping. Please leave a message and I'l call you back."

noddingdog

07-27-2005, 06:44 PM

Hi - welcome to the asylum for the criminally insane. We can`t answer the phone because we`ve been blindfolded and handcuffed to a cloud. We realy want to get back to you so please leave your name, address and favourite mod of death after the tone.

edczxcvbnm

07-27-2005, 06:50 PM

"Hello...Hey how is it going?...Well if you have not figured it out by now this is an answering machine you douche. Leave message."

rubah

07-27-2005, 10:03 PM

I believe I came across a *killer* list of these somewhere on textfiles.com xD

I don't remember them though xD

My friend's cell phone's voice mail message is something like this: "Welcome to the Whips and Whipped Cream Hotline! Order are now IN!"