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Shoden
03-07-2006, 11:19 PM
post some good jokes you just have to tell but keep them clean, I just hope this doesn't turn into spam, comment on jokes if you like, well then here's mine:

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet. Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear" Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me." The chicken says: "big deal, I only have to cough, and the entire planet craps itself."

Shoeberto
03-07-2006, 11:20 PM
A man walks into a bar.




"Ow."

Shoden
03-07-2006, 11:23 PM
Ok here's another. A blonde, a buddhist, army general, a nazi and a chav all walk into a bar, the bartender looks, stares and says "is this some kind of sick joke?"

Psychotic
03-07-2006, 11:24 PM
Here are a couple just for you, Bladen.

Police were today called to St. James's Park for a suspected burglary. Thieves had apparently targeted the club's trophy room, and had completely cleaned it out. A police spokesman said that the only item that had been taken was a black and white carpet.

What's the difference between Newcastle United and bird flu? Bird flu's in Europe.

Shizzow.

(there goes my popularity with American audiences)

Shiny
03-07-2006, 11:26 PM
Hmm, well here's one...

<!--At Michael Jackson's house, every little boy knows it's time for bed when the little hand is on the big hand.-->*snip*

No, let's not go here. ~ Leeza

Shoden
03-07-2006, 11:28 PM
Psy, those jokes are even older than Gandhi.

I'm running out of clean jokes.

Bart's Friend Milhouse
03-07-2006, 11:29 PM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"

Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The maid, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, and he finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and knocks on the door. No answer. Reason is, his father is bonking the maid so vigourously that he doesn't hear the knocks. His mother however seems to be completely unaware as she is fast asleep. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to to his father, " I think I understand Politics now."

"Excellent my boy" the father replies slapping his knee, "sit on my lap and tell me in your own words what you think it is."

The boy promptly answers, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored, and the Future is full of /xxx.gif/xxx.gif/xxx.gif/xxx.gif"

Hawkeye
03-07-2006, 11:34 PM
What's the difference between engineering and philospohy?

About 50,000

Psychotic
03-07-2006, 11:40 PM
Psy, those jokes are even older than Gandhi..So you're saying Newcastle have been crap for a long time, then? :p

I'll post a joke that I posted in the last joke thread that I posted in. It's supposedly the funniest joke of all time according to some poll, so here we go:

Two men are out hunting. One of the men, while trying to hit a deer, accidentally shoots his friend. He frantically calls 911.
"Hello, 911? I need an ambulance."
"What's the problem, sir?"
"I accidentally shot my friend...I think he may be dead."
"Okay sir, can you make sure that he's dead?"
"Alright, hold on a minute."
A gunshot is heard.
"Yeah, he's dead. So now what?"

Bart's Friend Milhouse
03-07-2006, 11:42 PM
This guy comes into a gunstore and wants to buy a rifle scope.
The Owner hands him one saying "This is a very good one. Look out the window: Right up on top of that hill you can see my house."
The man looks through and starts laughing.
"What is it?" the Owner.
"It really is a good scope, I can see two people having sex through one of the windows!"
The Owner takes the scope away from him to have a look.
"That´s my wife!" he exclaims.
He mounts the scope on a rifle, loads two bullets and hands it to the man.
"I will give you the rifle with the scope for free if you shoot her in the head and him his dick off."
The man agrees and takes aim. Then he smiles, hands back one bullet and says: "You know what? I think I can do it that in one shot."

Shoden
03-07-2006, 11:55 PM
There will always be jokes bashing other teams in sport, if there werent any where would the fun be? It'll take a few hours to think of jokes appropriate enough to post here, most the ones I can think of are either Dirty or racist.

Leeza
03-07-2006, 11:59 PM
Yes, please keep all dirty and racist jokes out or this or it will be just another thread chalked up to a closure. Thank you. :)

I don't know any jokes, but I guess you all figured that out already. :)

Shoden
03-08-2006, 12:04 AM
Some of the jokes so far are pure quality lol, I'll post a few good ones tomorrow, I'll ask around for them, I was expecting a joke on how cats are superior to dogs from you Leeza.

vampirepiggyhunter7
03-08-2006, 12:05 AM
Its old but some people might not have heard it...

"Hey daddy, is God white or black?"
"I dont know son"

"Hey daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"I dont know son"

Hey daddy, is God Micheal Jackson?"

(Dumb I know...)

Leeza
03-08-2006, 12:05 AM
I was expecting a joke on how cats are superior to dogs from you Leeza.
That's not joke, Bladen. That's just pure truth. :)

mooglebunni608
03-08-2006, 12:06 AM
A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a computr engineer are in a car, (driving) when all of a sudden the car jerks to a stop. The engineers all start tryiong to decide what is wrong. The chemical engineer says "Guys!!1 it's gotta be *names some random and obscure occurence that casues the gasoline to evaporate or something*!" the mechanical engineer inturrupts hime and says "No, thats not it, it's gotta be *names something equally random and obscure that causes the engine to break or something*" meanwhile the computer engineer, who has been silent until now, intirupts them both "Hey, Guys!!! why don't we get out of the car, then get back in!!!"
lol
:D




reboot, lol. :P

Shoden
03-08-2006, 12:13 AM
Oh I have one! An englishman, irishman and a scotsman are all in bootcamp training for the armed forces, their final exam is in 2 steps, go outside make a big noise and return then say the amount of letters there are in the alphabet. THe scotsman goes first, he starts shouting and screaming for half a minute he returns, and the examiner asks "how many letters are there in the alphabet" the Scotsman takes a few seconds to count and replies "26", he's through. The Englishman goes next, he goes outside and makes a short loud noise he walks back in looking pleased with himself and answers the wuestion with a 26. The Irshman goes next ( :D ) a few minutes pass and no response the examiner goes "where the hell is the guy?." His question is soon cut off from a loud explosion and noise from outside, in comes the Irishman and the examiner says "well done, excellent work! now how many letters?" "24" the examiner looks shocked, "ooh one more try you did so well before, how many letters are in the alphabet?" the Irsihman replies with "24" again, the examiner asks "clearly there is 26, where did you get 24 from?" "well it's 24 now, I just blew up B&Q" everyone went silent.

Ki Ki
03-08-2006, 12:35 AM
Okay okay, what's brown and sticky? :choc2:

A stick!

rikkupainegoofydonald
03-08-2006, 12:48 PM
My favorite joke is a panda plays my toy doggie and cute puppies, a French teacher sees a panda playing my toy doggie, but she screams and runs away, I play dead and panda throws me with Toy Doggie. :grin:

Levian
03-08-2006, 12:50 PM
Why did the baby cross the road?

It was stapled to a cow.

escobert
03-08-2006, 12:51 PM
All of my jokes are dirty and preverted and would get me banned.

Shaun
03-08-2006, 01:05 PM
Hmm... Okay, I've got one! It's got a little bit of rudeness, but not too severe. If Leeza, for example, doesn't like it, then feel free to 'give it the snip', but I don't see what's too wrong with it. And I can't remember it 100%, but here goes...

A man walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Alright, I'll give you one-hundred quid if you can make the horse around the back laugh and then cry."

"You're on," says the man, and he walks out to the back to the horse. Thirty seconds later, he walks back to the bartender and tells him to go and look around the back. The bartender notices that the horse is laughing. "I'll be back tomorrow," says the man.

The next day, the man returns to the bar. "Okay, I'm getting this over with and collecting my cash." "I'd be impressed if you pull this off," replies the bartender. The man walks to be back, and moments later, the bartender hears sobbing. The bartender approaches the man and the horse, and sees that the horse is crying. "How the hell did you do that!?" asks the bartender. "First, I told him how big my cock is. Then, today, I showed it him."

Hah, not amazing, but meh. :)

Black Angel
03-08-2006, 01:07 PM
I have a Chuck Norris joke, and I don't think it's dirty...

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven.
Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

Relena
03-08-2006, 01:14 PM
LOL These are all hilarious!

nik0tine
03-08-2006, 01:15 PM
Two penguins are sitting in a tub. One says "Hey man, pass the soap." And the other penguin says "Pssht, what do I look like? A toaster!?"

Giga Guess
03-08-2006, 01:38 PM
One day, Ethel and Joe are walking along a pool by the Mantal Asylum. Completely out of nowhere, Joe dives into the pool in an effort to drown himself. On a spur of the moment, Ethel dives in after him and hauls him out.

The next day, the appeal board called Ethel in. "Well Ethel, we have good news and bad news. The good news is that thanks to your clear thinking, and quick action, we believe you are finally fit to re-enter society. However, unfirtunately, last night Joe succeeded in committing suicide, and he hung himself with his belt. I'm truly sorry Ethel."

To which Ethel replied, "Oh, I just hung him up to dry him out, that's all! So when can I go home?"

bennator
03-08-2006, 06:43 PM
Okay, I'm a nerd, and a chem nerd at that:

One day a Chemist, a Physicist, and a Biologist from a landlocked country are given the opportunity to travel to the ocean shore. Upon arriving there, the physicist is mesmerized by the wave action of the water. He heads out into the water to examine the wavelength, and amplitude, and interference patterns of the waves. Unfortunetly, he goes out too far and drowns. The biologist notices some fish swimming, so he goes out into the water to study all of the diversity of life in the water. However, he goes out too far and he drowns too. After all this happens, the chemist sits back on the shore, pulls out his notebook, and writes "Physicists and Biologists are soluble in ocean water"

Xaven
03-08-2006, 07:30 PM
Where does the president keep his armies?




In his sleevies! :D


Why did the baby cross the road?

It was stapled to a cow.
:<3:

DarkLadyNyara
03-08-2006, 08:25 PM
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

What do you call 2,000 lawyers at the bottom of the pacific?
A good start.

What do you have when you've got 2,000 lawyers neck- deep in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road, and a dead snake in the middle of the road?
The skid marks go around the snake.

The devil goes to a lawyer and says "If you give me your soul, and the soul of everyone in your family, I'll make you a partner in the firm." The lawyer thinks about it, then says "what's the catch?"

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for some cyanide to kill her husband. The pharmacist says "Oh, no! I can't do that. It would be wrong". In response, the woman pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says "you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

NeoCracker
03-08-2006, 08:33 PM
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it.

Agent Proto
03-08-2006, 08:33 PM
Here's a dirty joke.

The white horse fell in the mud.

Denmark
03-08-2006, 08:54 PM
I must admit, I didn't get some of the british jokes early in the thread. Thanks so much, Bladen. ANTICLIMAX. I WILL SUE.

bipper
03-08-2006, 08:58 PM
A man walks into a bar and says, "ouch!"


Man walks up to me and yells, "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!! I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!!" So I says, "Settle down man, your two tents!"


A man walks into a bar with a pair jumper cables. The bartender warns him "You better not start anything!"

Lost Number
03-08-2006, 09:00 PM
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one of them assaulted.

Dreddz
03-08-2006, 09:00 PM
Why did the Blonde stare at the orange juice ?

Because It said Concentrate


:rolleyes2

Dreddz
03-08-2006, 11:30 PM
lol, that last one cracked me up.
I know a few nasty jokes, best not say them here, But we all know there the ones that gets the giggles....

Levian
03-08-2006, 11:37 PM
Yeah, that's a personal favorite. xD

edit: This post looks stupid now.

Leeza
03-08-2006, 11:37 PM
*deletes dead baby jokes*

Dreddz
03-08-2006, 11:39 PM
dang and I had a good one.
Theres a site dedicated to Dead Baby jokes, no serious, search it on google. I would post a link, but I dont think it'll go down well...........by the moderators that is

The Summoner of Leviathan
03-09-2006, 12:59 AM
I will try to remember my jokes, but they are usually involving Newfies (People from Newfoundland) looking bad...like this one...

There is a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Newfie. They all need to use the washroom, so they go into this hotel. The clerk says "We have three toilets: a rubber toilet, a wooden toilet and a singing toilet." So the Frenchman goes first and uses the wooden toilet, then comes back down angry. When the clerk asks what is wrong, the Frenchman replies: "Everytime I have a sh*t I get splitters up my a$$" The Englishman goes next, and decided to use the rubber toilet. He too coms down angry. When asked, he replies: "Everytime I have a sh*t, I fall in." Finally the Newfie goes up and uses the singing toilet. He too comes down furious. When they inquired he responded: "Everytime I have a sh*t, the toilet starts singing 'O Canada', so I stand up and sh*t runs down my leg."

It made me laugh when I was younger...*tries to think of more*

Black Angel
03-09-2006, 01:10 AM
Yet another Chuck Norris joke:

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?"
Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
AND...
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

T-MaN
03-09-2006, 01:14 AM
Yet another Chuck Norris joke:

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?"
Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
AND...
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Ha Ha! Loved that one.:D

th30wn4g3
03-09-2006, 02:04 AM
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it.

tee hee, quite humorous

ffxfreak93
03-09-2006, 04:45 AM
P.E.T.A
People Eating Tasty Animals

if that isn't accepatable just do the *snip*'ing

The Devourer Of Worlds
03-09-2006, 08:16 AM
*posts "The Aristocrats" joke*

Twilight Edge
03-09-2006, 08:37 AM
Chicken:Cough cough.
Whole world:AHHHHHHHH!!!GET AWAY FROM MEEEE!!!!

This is a useless joke.

Black Angel
03-09-2006, 11:56 AM
I guess I shall now be posting Chuck Norris jokes...For the rest of the thread...

-Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

-To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

-According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

NeoCracker
03-09-2006, 01:10 PM
- Statisticly speaking, you are more likely to be pityed by Mr. T then you are to have feet.

- Mr. T hates displays of arrogance. So to save time, Mr. T Pities all france at once.
- Atlas once complained about Back pains and asked 'Mr. T to hold the world for him. Mr. T agreed on the Condition Atlas would were his gold chains. AFter five minutes of Excrutiating pain Atlas asked for the world back.

-Contrary to popular belief, if there is a fool in the middle of no where and no one around to pity him, Mr. T still will.

Much better than Chuck Norris facts.

Gh["]sT
03-09-2006, 02:12 PM
if u wanna hear proper jokes u wanna see lee evans now he is the funniest man alive honestly :D

whats pink and fluffy?

pink fluff :D :D :D

Madame Adequate
03-09-2006, 02:24 PM
Ah, a chance to post my fave joke ever.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side!

*Rofles away*

Gh["]sT
03-09-2006, 02:25 PM
i dont get that at all:confused:

McLovin'
03-09-2006, 07:46 PM
A waiter brings a lady her clam chowder, and his thumb is hooked over the cup.
She says, "Waiter, your thumb is in my soup."
He says, "Yeah. I got arthritis and the heat makes it feel better."
She says, "Well, why don't you stick it up your ass?"
He says, "I do that in the kitchen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said Disneyland Left so they turned around and went home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over.
The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test."
The guy says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it will start me on a coughing fit."
The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test."
The guy says, "You can't...I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place."
The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line."
The guy says, "I can't."
The cop says, "Why not?"
The guy says, "Because I'm drunk. Didn't you see the way I was driving, you bastard?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 Mexicans are in a car. Who's driving?

The policeman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hello, 911? I need an ambulance."
"What's the problem, sir "
"I accidentally shot my friend I think he may be dead."
"Okay sir, can you make that he's dead? "
"Alright, hold on a minute."
A gunshot is heard.
"Yeah, he's dead. So now what? "

Shoden
03-09-2006, 08:42 PM
Ok this may be a bit dorty so snip if it's too bad.

A young Indian boy goes up to his dad and asks "dad how do you name your kids?"
The Dad smiles and says "well my child we look out the wigwam and name the child after the first thing we see, why so curious 2 dogs smurfing?" (if you can find a more appropriate then go ahead and edit it into the joke right?)

McLovin'
03-09-2006, 08:59 PM
Why isn't Mexico in the olympics?

Because everyone that can swim, jump, climb, and sprint are already over the border...

Shiny
03-09-2006, 10:06 PM
Haha I like that one Sephiroth's Cage! Okay here's one:

A blond woman decides she wants to buy a new microwave. So she goes to the store to go buy one. When she gets there she says to the clerk "I want to buy that microwave, how much is it?" The clerk says, "I'm not selling this microwave to you because you're blond." She is outraged but still wants to buy it. So she goes home and dyes her hair. Then she goes to the same store the next day. The same clerk says "No, I'm still not selling you the microwave." So she goes home and changes her outfit then comes back to the same store the next day. The clerk still says, "No, ma'am I told you before that you can't buy the microwave." The woman is finally disgusted and replies, "Why won't you sell me the microwave?!" The clerk responds, "Because it's a TV."

Black Angel
03-09-2006, 10:07 PM
I don't care...I only have Chuck Norris jokes, so too bad!!!

-Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a
woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's
bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone
within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

McLovin'
03-09-2006, 10:42 PM
Who the hell is this Chuck Norris that I keep hearing so freakin much aboot!?!?!

ffxfreak93
03-10-2006, 12:50 AM
it is said that god created the universe in six days

chuck norris created god with the snap of his fingers:D
___________________________________________________

chuck norris did not want to be born like a normal child,so he decided to punch his way out his mother's womb

P.S.sorry black angel,but I too know chuck norris jokes:(

NeoCracker
03-10-2006, 12:57 AM
Chuck norris is an Crappy overpayed martial artist actor who did walder texas ranger.

ffxfreak93
03-10-2006, 01:01 AM
Chuck norris is an *snip*martial artist actor who did walker texas ranger.

thats not true:eek:

NeoCracker
03-10-2006, 01:06 AM
thats not true:eek:
First if you are saying what is in that quote is not true than you agree he's crappy. Second you might want to change the An to A since by cutting words out you have put an in front of a word that starts with a consanant when its only suppose to go infront of words with vowels.

Mr. T is the only person to survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck norris, Mr. T is also the only person Chuck norris got with an actual round house Kick. Mr. T proceeded to Pity Chuck Norris until he admitited he payed all those people to pretend his Kick was powerful, and Mr. T pitied all of those fools into Non-existance. My own Mr. T fact, because he's cooler than Chuck.

Edit: Okay, i just realized what you said didn't go along with me, but it is saying that Chuck norris isn't a martial artist and didn't play in walker texas ranger.

ffxfreak93
03-10-2006, 01:12 AM
dude,chill theyre just jokes,yes i know chuck norris can't do anything said above but neither can mr.t

also i did the *snip* just for censoring reasons;)

NeoCracker
03-10-2006, 01:18 AM
I know, I wasn't trying ot sound serious. I just wanted to take one of the few opprotunities i will ever have to mock someone for their english, for I am horrible with it and have yet had the chance to do so. Plus I like Mr. T, and hate Chuck. Mes like anti chuck things, even if it is the crappy one I made.

What do you call a man in the ocean with no limbs? Bob.

ffxfreak93
03-10-2006, 01:19 AM
hahaha great joke:)

Dixie
03-10-2006, 01:33 AM
I have no good jokes. Unless this counts:

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fish.

Twilight Edge
03-10-2006, 05:19 PM
I thought of a new one:

A:How much is a lightyear?
B:How do I know?Go ask Buzz Lightyear.