Nephiliam
03-18-2006, 10:05 PM
Ok, so I got to work this morning and found a piece of paper under the file basket. It reads like this:
<center><b>COMPANY POLICY - EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY</b></center>
<b><u>Dress Code</u></b>
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage you money better, so you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
<b><u>Sick Days</u></b>
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
<b><u>Personal Days</u></b>
Each employee will recieve 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
<b><u>Bereavement Leave</u></b>
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvment is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
<b><u>Toilet Use</u></b>
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will oper, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
<b><u>Lunch Break</u></b>
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as the need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced mean to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time need to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
<center><b>COMPANY POLICY - EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY</b></center>
<b><u>Dress Code</u></b>
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage you money better, so you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
<b><u>Sick Days</u></b>
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
<b><u>Personal Days</u></b>
Each employee will recieve 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
<b><u>Bereavement Leave</u></b>
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvment is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
<b><u>Toilet Use</u></b>
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will oper, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
<b><u>Lunch Break</u></b>
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as the need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced mean to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time need to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.