Hawkeye
03-21-2006, 06:20 AM
Okay, so there is this little boy. His name is Johnny, Jimmy, Tim, Frank, it doesn't really matter. It could be ANYTHING. Hell, it could EVEN be Nate (or Jeffery)! But whatever, for simplicities sake we're calling him Johnny. So, little Johnny is a little boy. He's about 6, maybe seven years old. He could be eight. Maybe nine, or five, or four. Doesn't really matter too much, just realize that he's a young'un. Anyways, the really important thing to realize about Johnny is that he absolutely LOVES clowns. and when I say 'loves' I mean LOVES! He adores them! In fact, there is nothing in the world that he likes more than clowns. He loves thier zany hair, thier crazy costumes, he loves the unicycles, the tiny automobiles, that peculiar way they honk thier noses. He loves it all, and he does so with an unrivaled passion.
However, one must realize that Johnny comes from a poverty stricken family. Poor Johnny and his poor family live paycheck to paycheck, barely making it every month. In fact, they are SO poor that his family is literaly on every form of welfare and state benefeits possible. Hell, they don't even have to pay the rent, and they STILL can't make it! Yes, they are THAT poor! In fact, I'll have you know that this should NOT happen in America. The fact that people are so poor that they have to live in dire straights thier entire life... ugh, and then they are rejected from society! To hell with that! What ever happened to "Give me your tired, your poor, your hungry, etc. etc." huh?! huh?! Oh, well, I digress. This joke really doesn't have anything to do with the current state of affairs in america. Anyways, the point is, his family is super poor.
One day, the circus came to town, and, as one might expect, there were CLOWNS at the circus! And oh by gosh by gollie, Johnny was EXCITED! However, remember that Johnny is a pauper among paupers. But, his parents DO love him. They love him as an artist loves art, or as a musician loves music. He is thier sculpture, thier "David", created from the hands of thier very own sexual organs. Now, some of you may wonder how it is possible to sculpt a sculpture from a sex organ, but I assure you it is purely metaphorical. After all, when a man loves a woman, and she loves him in return.... Well, this is becoming unnecessarily graphic. The point here is that they cherish thier son more than they cherish the sun. (Or the Phoenix "Suns", or the D-Backs [but zoom smack! They DO love thier Diamond Backs!] ) So, after much deliberation, little Johnny's parents decide that it's time to stop squeezing the nickle 'till the buffalo s, and it's high time for them to purchase thier son (not to be confused with the "Phoenix Suns" or the "Sun" which resides in the centar of our solar system, providing us with the warmth we need to survive) So, they buy thier son a Circus ticket, and so, soon afterwards, Johnny is headed off to the circus!
So little Johnny is just a little boy. He's around 6, 7, maybe eight or nine years old. Hell he could be five, but it doesn't matter, what you need to realize is that he is young, and the world is a big place, and the circus is an even bigger place! When Johnny enters the circus, he is completely overwhelmed by the sheer massiveness of everything there. From the tightroap walker, to the sword swallower. From the fire breather to the strong man, to the lion tamer and the cannon fodder, it's all just so incredibly new and astounding to a young boy of 6, or 7, or 8, or 5, or 9, named Johnny.
So Johnny finally gets his ticket, and on that ticket there are many things. "Admission one" "30 dollars" "THE CIRCUS!", but most importantly, it says "Seat D7". So Johnny wanders over to seat D7 and he sits down. and he waits. and waits. and waits. and waits. and he waits. Johnny waits. and waits a little more. AND THEN! The show BEGINS! Johnny gets to see the tight roap walker, he gets to see the lion tamer, the fire breather and the sword swallower. He gets to see the cannon fodder and acrobats! He saw it all. Hell, he even saw Sigfried and Roy for god sakes!
And then, everything stops, and the lights dim. The spotlight quickly finds the ring master, who raises a microphone to his lips and says: "Ladies and gentlemen! Girls and boys! The main event is almost here! It's the event you've ALL been waiting for! Here come, THE CLOWNS!!!"
And he told no lie. On came the crazy lights, and out came the smoke, blanketing the ground like a specter from the past. And then, the music starts playing. Do do dododo DO do do do De do da da de do da da dum dum de dum do do dododo do do do de do da da de do da da dum dum dum!
And then, out came a small vehicle, and it did laps (rather quickly I might add) around the circus tent. It did one lap. It did two laps. It did three laps, and it did four laps. It did five, six, seven eight, nine and ten freaking laps! And then, the car made it's way to the middle of the tent, and out of the four doors on that car, one of them opened. Then another one opened. Then, the third door opened. By now, you should know that there is only one closed door left, and judging by the past three doors, one might infer that the fourth and final door will open as well. And it did. The fourth door opened, and out came a clown. And out came another clown. out came three clowns, four clowns, out came five and six clowns, out came seven eight nine ten eleven twleve thirteenfourteenfifteensixteenseventeene ighteennineteen twenty clowns! And they did thier clown things. They did the flips, and the dances, and they honked thier noses in that peculiar way, and the rode unicycles and they did generally crazy things. They juggled, that's for damn sure. (After all, what kind of clown doesn't juggle?)
And finally, when it was all said and done, the clown leader grabs his microphone and says "Will the person in seat D7 please stand up?" and then Johnny thinks to himself... OH! THAT'S ME! OH BOY! OH BOY! OH BOY! OH BOY! OH BOY!!!! and so, he stands. And then the clown says "Hey look everybody, there's the donkeys ass, where's the rest of him!?!?"
And the circus explodes with laughter, and poor johnny is crushed. His hero, the clowns, have insulted him infront of an absurdly large number of people. And from that moment onward, Johnny decided that he will spend the rest of his life if he has to, just to come up with the perfect comeback to "Theres the donkeys ass, wheres the rest of him!?!?"
So Johnny goes through school, and he barely makes it. He gets low marks. He gets D's and F's. His best work are the C's he occasionally manages to pull off. He manages to graduate, but he doesn't have enough money for college. So, he decides that maybe "Clown College" is the thing for him. So he goes to clown college, and he learns to do all sorts of clown like things. He lears to do the dances, he learns to ride the unicycle, he learns to juggle, he learns to honk his nose in that peculiar way... he learns it all, and then some. But he doesn't come up with an acceptable comeback to "theres the donkeys ass, wheres the rest of him!?!?" So... he quits clown school and lives out his life going from minimum wage job to minimum wage job. He lives, much like his parents before him did, from paycheck to paycheck. And then, before he knew it, he was an old man. He could be in his late sixties, or seventies, or possibly eighties. But the exact age is relative. It doesn't REALLY matter. All that matters is that he is now an insanely old fossil.
And one day, he sees that the circus is coming to town, and that night he has a dream, whereupon he comes up with the perfect comeback to "theres the donkeys ass, wheres the rest of him!?!?" And so the next morning he promptly buys tickets to the circus, and very soon, he is on his way to see the show!
And so the day finally comes and Johnny arrives at the circus. But you must remember, Johnny is still a very, very small man. (Often times people shrink when they get excessively old.) And so he is quite overwhelmed by the gargantuan qualities of everything in the circus. He see's the tight roap walker, and the acrobats, and the strong man, and the lion tamer, and he sees the fire eater and the sword swallower. He see's it all, and he is genuinely amazed.
When Johnny had thus had his fill of amazement, he waltzed up to the ticketmeister, whereupon he recieved his ticket, which, among other things, read "Seat D7". And so Johnny finds D7 and he sits. and he waits for the show to start, and when it finally does, the crowed is in awe. They are in awe at the tightroap walker, and the fire eater, and the sword swallower. They are amazed by the tight roap walker and the cannon fodder and the strong man, as well as the lion tamer and the acrobats. Hell, the crowd went WILD when they got to see Sigfried and Roy. And then, the circus master gets up and the lights fade, and the spotlight quickly finds him, effectively illuminating him. He addresses the crowd with a friend "Hello" and then procedes to say: "Ladies and Gentlement, Girls and boys, this is the main event, it's the attraction you have ALL been waiting for!! Here come, THE CLOWNS!!!
And he told no lie. On came the crazy lights, and out came the smoke, blanketing the ground like a specter from the past. And then, the music starts playing. Do do dododo DO do do do De do da da de do da da dum dum de dum do do dododo do do do de do da da de do da da dum dum dum!
And then, out came a small vehicle, and it did laps (rather quickly I might add) around the circus tent. It did one lap. It did two laps. It did three laps, and it did four laps. It did five, six, seven eight, nine and ten freaking laps! And then, the car made it's way to the middle of the tent, and out of the four doors on that car, one of them opened. Then another one opened. Then, the third door opened. By now, you should know that there is only one closed door left, and judging by the past three doors, one might infer that the fourth and final door will open as well. And it did. The fourth door opened, and out came a clown. And out came another clown. out came three clowns, four clowns, out came five and six clowns, out came seven eight nine ten eleven twleve thirteenfourteenfifteensixteenseventeene ighteennineteen twenty clowns! And they did thier clown things. They did the flips, and the dances, and they honked thier noses in that peculiar way, and the rode unicycles and they did generally crazy things. They juggled, that's for damn sure. (After all, what kind of clown doesn't juggle?)
And then, finally, the head clown stands up and says "Would the person in seat D7 please stand up?" This time, johnny was ready. He stood up, and the clown said "Hey look everybody! There's the donkeys ass, where's the rest of him!?!?"
In anger, johnny raised his middle finger, and shouted "smurf YOU CLOWNS! smurf YOU!!!"
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