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Twisted Tinkerbell
08-28-2006, 10:36 PM
WAX is Not your Friend

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...

the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???


WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter

"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor.

Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the doodah out of my friend. It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.


Next week I'm going to try hair color.....
Now that's funny ......... Notttttttttt.

I found this on another forum I am a member of, anyway now for a subject for discussion. Have you ever had any mishaps that seemed like bright ideas at the time? Once I dyed my hair purple, and ended up only dying my scalp. I was not happy.

-N-
08-28-2006, 10:37 PM
wax (http://forums.eyesonff.com/member.php?u=8538) is totally my friend. He told me about PeerGuardian three years ago.

I Am Stoner
08-28-2006, 10:48 PM
I threw a pint glass at a bouncer when I was drunk once, me and him ended up having a fight, it ended up as me having a black eye, a broken nose, many, many bruses. He had a broken nose and many bruses on his face, he totally whooped my ass. But for some reason, it was just so fun!! Maybe because I was very angry at the time and I was drunk.

Twisted Tinkerbell
08-28-2006, 10:50 PM
I never get into fights with bouncers, I know way too many, and they've all blackbelts and they all kicked my ass while I was doing the judo.

I did try waxing once, the wax came off ok, my hair stayed where it was.

daggertrepe
08-28-2006, 10:51 PM
lol someone emailed this to me...:rolleyes2

Miriel
08-28-2006, 10:54 PM
Er. You shouldn't give yourself a bikini wax. Like, ever.

Wax is your friend if you get it professionally done. You're in and out in just a few minutes. Anyone who decides to give themselves a home bikini wax is just asking for trouble.

Twisted Tinkerbell
08-28-2006, 10:55 PM
I waxed my legs, I'm sticking to shaving in future

Yamaneko
08-28-2006, 10:56 PM
Wax is good for eating really spicy chilis.

lovehurts
08-28-2006, 11:00 PM
:p
That story must have been a nightmare for some one to live through.

Ok mine is below:

All the time a more recent one is when I was running next to a train pulling into a stattion. I was on vacation. I came to this bush which was literally like 5 feet high . I had jumped it once before the event took place. Now the train had started to pull into the stattion. I starterd running real fast. I mean fast I can run fast. I was keeping up with the train cars and gaining on the engine. I was video taping ealier and still had a camera in my hands as I ran but the camera was off at this time. I was chasing the engine when all the sudden I saw the bush I jumped the bush....I cleared it but started to hurl and thumbble forward in the mist of the after jump and fall and landing I have very good reflexes though and was able to catch myself on my hand without falling on my camera or my head. I did a full flip over myself . The reflex action saved me alot of pain. My relfexes I can brag about because to be honest they are at an amazing level. I got back up from the roll which never sent me straight to the concrete . I shott up and started back after the train. I started speeding up past car and car . I caught back up to the car that I had rolled near , I looked up from my panting position and saw some one staring at me...well I had the whole trains attention. They were amazed. To be honest if I wasnt such a lazy jerk to myself I could entertain the many people for this sort of thing. I keept up with that car and the train later finally stops. The people on board ask me if I am ok. Many people stare at me as they get off the train some one and his father look at me at the same time and they looked shocked.

"ARe you ok man!!!?" Yah...

Later I look at my hand and it is blue and black all over the thing looks brooken and its a bloody mess. The speed at which I ran really impacted it. It heals rather quickly though within just a few days.

ACtually I think that I may have small scares from it.

It seemed like a good idea at the time but really when ever I do things like that my asthma , my biggest weakness nearly kills me after.

Decessus
08-28-2006, 11:02 PM
Wonderful.

lovehurts
08-28-2006, 11:17 PM
Wonderful.
No she does not like wax.

*ETERNAL FANTASY*
08-29-2006, 12:09 AM
have you not seen 40 year old virgin that wax scene was real...that enough convinced me that wax is evil...besides i dont use it but my heart goes out to that person!

Rocket Edge
08-29-2006, 12:13 AM
I had a conversation with a friend in the middle of a disasterously gone wrong bikini wax across the phone. She didn't know what to do. I said pour hot water over it. *Never take a males advice in a female situation* :/

I Took the Red Pill
08-29-2006, 12:14 AM
Have none of you seen The 40 Year Old Virgin? :mad2:

Rocket Edge
08-29-2006, 12:16 AM
That dude was kong.

Rye
08-29-2006, 12:33 AM
Have none of you seen The 40 Year Old Virgin? :mad2:

Oh yes. ;) It felt... like a bag of sand.

Jojee
08-29-2006, 12:38 AM
I'm not too good with pain, so I don't think I'll try wax... :p

Meat Puppet
08-29-2006, 12:39 AM
I've tried giving myself a bikini wax before. I was just... curious. I doubt I did it right. I failed, and with a rather revolting (and painful) rash as a result.

Zeldy
08-29-2006, 12:56 AM
My Mum made me try waxing my legs. She just slapped one right on my leg, I had no choice then! Oh god that hurt.

escobert
08-29-2006, 01:25 AM
I like candles :D

NorthernChaosGod
08-29-2006, 01:57 AM
Really long post.

That's hot.

Craig
08-29-2006, 02:07 AM
I waxed a bit of my leg once to see what it was like. Didn't hurt much at all.

rubah
08-29-2006, 02:34 AM
xD This is why you have professionals wax the private regions~

lovehurts
08-29-2006, 02:38 AM
Really long post.

That's hot.

Just think how hot she was.....

Moon Rabbits
08-29-2006, 03:49 AM
Mmmmm. I like to have hot wax dripped on me ;)

NorthernChaosGod
08-29-2006, 04:49 AM
Really long post.

That's hot.

Just think how hot she was.....

I'm 10 steps ahead of you...... :love:

DarkLadyNyara
08-29-2006, 05:15 AM
Mmmmm. I like to have hot wax dripped on me ;)
*drools*

Ahem... on topic...


Have you ever had any mishaps that seemed like bright ideas at the time? Once I dyed my hair purple, and ended up only dying my scalp. I was not happy.
I tend to know I'm being an idiot at the time. :D Though there was that time I picked up a cute little stray kitten... lost a thumbnail over that stunt. Milk teeth are friggin' sharp.