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Sephex
10-06-2006, 06:26 AM
Okay. So a bear, a man, and a dolphin walks into a bar.

Finish the punchline.

TOPIC: What are some of your favorite "in a bar" jokes?

abrojtm
10-06-2006, 06:28 AM
My girlfriend is like a bar.
Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

Rainecloud
10-06-2006, 07:26 AM
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
"Does your dog bite?" he says.
"No" the man replies.
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog" replied the man.

Huckleberry Quin
10-06-2006, 08:05 PM
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
1000 blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would've noticed.

A man carrying a roll of tarmac walks into a bar and says:
"Can I have a beer please?...oh, and one for the road."

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman:
"I'll have a whiskey please."
The barman replies with a smile:
"I spose you'll want the one with your name on it?"
"What, Eric?"

A piece of tarmac walks into a bar and screams and shouts and swears horribly at the barman, demanding a pint.
Barman: "I'll not serve you with that attitude. Just calm down!"
Tarmac: "Sorry, I've had a rough day. People walking all over me."
Later, some road walks in screaming and shouting and swearing and demands a pint.
Barman: "I'll not serve you with that attitude. Just calm down."
Road: "Sorry, I've had a rough day. Cars and lorries and all that hurtling over me."
Later, some more path walks in, screaming and shouting and swearing and demanding a pint. The barman hands one over straight away. The tarmac and road say:
"Hang on! How come you had a go at us, but just gave him a beer straight away??"
Barman: "I'm not having a go at him! He's a cyclepath!"

fire_of_avalon
10-06-2006, 09:00 PM
Quin, those are awesome :D

Chloe.
10-06-2006, 10:14 PM
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?" asks the brain.

"You're already out of your head."

:bigsmile:

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.

"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

"You're under 18," replies the barman.

:D

Kappy
10-06-2006, 10:26 PM
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

My_car_is_faster_than_you
10-06-2006, 10:36 PM
A man walks into a bar and downs a couple of beers. After being liquored up, he stands on the counter and yells "My lawyer cost me $240,000!! All lawyers are a$$holes!"

Then another man in the back jumps on his table infuriated. "Hey, I resent that!!!" he yells back.

"Why?! Are you a lawyer punk!?"

"No!!! I'm an a$$hole!!"

Jowy
10-06-2006, 10:39 PM
A guy walks into a bar.

And then he says "ow, i should watch my step."

Shoeberto
10-06-2006, 10:48 PM
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders a drink.
A few hours later, he leaves but forgets his giraffe.
The bartender notices and says, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!"
The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Sephex
10-06-2006, 10:58 PM
A mushroom walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Get out of here now! We don't serve your kind!" The mushroom replies, "Why? I'm a fungi!

...

Vikeve
10-07-2006, 12:28 AM
Heres one that doesn't have to do with bars but its the same typ of joke.

So three dudes die and go to hell. the first one was addicted to fighting the second was addicted to money and the third one was addicted to sex. So they go to the devil and he says

"well, you three were not supposed to die until tomarrow so i'll send you back to earth if you can live one day withought fighting or gathering money or having sex than you can go to heaven"

So he poofs them back to earth and they start walking on a road when a large man bumps into them the one who is addicted to fighting punches him and poof he goes back to hell.

So the other two continue walking when the one who is addicted money sees a quarter on the street.

So he bends down to pick it up and poof there both back in hell.;)

I hope you people got that some of my friends were really slow to getting the joke.:)

Fonzie
10-07-2006, 01:31 AM
Ok a man and his (hot)wife are playing golf. A little ways away their's a house nearby. The husband tells his wife " Don't swing towards the house, you might break a window". Well, she does so the husband and her have too go pay for it.

They go too the door and knock on it, no one answers. They walk on in, and a man is jumping around and around.

Husband: Why are you so happy?
Wife: We just broke your window.
The Dude: No,no,no when you broke the window your broke the magical lamp that was right by it. You have set me free. Now i shall give you 3 wishes. Since i can't divide it evenly i shall give you(points to the husband) 1 wish, I shall give you(points to the wife), and i shall have the last wish for myself.

The husband thinks it's a good idea so he wishes for $3,000,000 million dollars. The Genie says," Okay tomorrow your Boss will die, and you'll get his job making 3 million a year, It shall be done(snaps).

The husband thanks the Genie and is stoked about the increased income.

Now the wife wishes for a Beach Cabin in Laguna Beach, Florida. The Genie said," Tomorrow you will be called and said you have won a house in laguna beach, It shall be done(he snaps his fingers)".

Genie," Well, i've been trapped in that bottle for 23 million years, and i haven't had sex in forever so...um...".
Husband," Well, since i'm going to be making 3 mill. a year i supose you can have sex with my wife.

So the genie and the husbands wife have sex for 2 hours, and when its over she says," That was the best, ever." The Genie starts laughing. The wife says," Whats so funny?" Genie then quickly responded ,"Your Husband still believes in Genies?!?!"

Vikeve
10-07-2006, 02:12 AM
Thats just wrong but very funny.

But then mine isn't much better when it somes to morals.

Huckleberry Quin
10-07-2006, 12:29 PM
Cheers foa :bigsmile:

WARNING: LONG JOKE.

A rabbit walks into a bar and asks for a vodka.
Barman: "Sorry, but you have to order some food with your drinks here."
Rabbit: "Oh alright. I'll have a cheese and ham toasty."
The rabbit finishes his vodka and toasty, but wants another drink.
Rabbit: "Can I have another vodka, aaaand a cheese and onion toasty?"
The rabbit finishes the drink and toasty, but wants another drink.
Rabbit: "Here barman, give us another drink, and a cheese and nut toasty!"
The rabbit finishes the drink and toasty, then dies. The barman realises, so quickly disposes of the rabbit by burying it in the garden, thinking that nobody would miss a rabbit.
Later that night, the barman was awoken by some tapping. He looked towards the window and saw the rabbit's ghost!
Barman: "Look mate! I'm sorry! I shouldn't have let you drink all that vodka! I didn't know-"
Rabbit: "Don't worry! It wasn't the drink that killed me. It was mixin' my toasties." (Myxomatosis)
Barman: "Oh right...."
Rabbit: "Before I go, can I have another vodka?"
Barman: "Sorry mate, I don't serve spirits after midnight."


A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him:
"Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies:
"I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

YTDN
10-07-2006, 12:48 PM
An Englishman, Irishman, and Iraqiman were in a bar.
The Englishman suddennly knocked his glass on the floor, breaking it.
Irishman and Iraqiman: Why did you do that?
Englishman: Well we have so many glasses in my country we can afford to waste some.
Then the Irishman poured all his drink on the floor.
Englishman and Iraqiman: Why did you do that?
Irishman: Because we've got so much beer in our country we can afford to waste some
Then the Iraqiman pulled at a gun and shot the Englishman and Irishman
Englishman and Irishman: Why did you do that?
Iraqiman: Because we've got so many foreigners in our country we can afford to waste some.

sephirothishere
10-07-2006, 08:30 PM
It was mixin' my toasties." (Myxomatosis)

hahahahhaha....this made me laugh alot....hahahha....good one....

boys from the dwarf
10-07-2006, 08:50 PM
here are all the ones i know.

a man walks into a bar. ow.

3 men walk into a bar. ow...ow...ow.

a blonde walks into a bar. owch my arm!...or head...er...head!

i could have sworn i knew more than this. let me think. ah. here are two long ones.

3 pigs walk into a bar.
the first and second order the soup of the day for a starter.
the third says "water. lots and lots of water."
the 1st and 2nd have a normal main course and the 3rd pig says.
"just water. lots and lots of water."
and he says the same for the desert. the bartender asks him
"may i ask why you had so much water?"
"well one of us had to go wee wee wee all the way home!"

(a joke about one of those kiddy songs. you know "this little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home E.C.T)

and heres one you may know about pandas.

a panda walks into the bar and asks for bamboo shoots and vegetables.
the bartender serves him and when the panda finishes eating, he pulls out a gun and shoots the bartender dead.
a man runs in and says "what did you do that for?!" but the panda just walked out.
he looked up pandas in the dictionary and it said
"Panda- it eats chutes and leaves."