View Full Version : The Journal Thread (October)

10-04-2001, 12:11 PM
Dear Journal,

I made a new journal thread. It was fun.

10-04-2001, 03:58 PM
<font color=CE90E2 size=2>About time. -.^

<B>Mood:</b> <img src="http://img.livejournal.com/mood/niaha/kitty/anksadb.gif"> Disappointed.
<B>Music:</b> Simon - Lifehouse

Hmmm.. *thinks*
Oh! I got up late today and felt kinda cranky. xD

The <b><u>most</u></b> annoying thing happaned today! Well, last night at about ten thirty or closer to eleven, I started downloading episode 18 of Evangelion; but I didn't watch it. The download took about two, three hours; maybe more. And early this evening, I recieved the DVD. Gosh; I should remember things like that! I mean, if I knew they were gonna send the DVD today I wouldn't have downloaded the eppie *sighs*. I would've probably downloaded a music video or something. But it was fun staying online at night with a good "reason" to. xD Hehe.

...something weird happened to me. I don't like the smilies anymore. I mean, the graphical ones. xD

Ohh; and I gots new CDs today! *Thanks the person who sent them*. "Yourself or Someone Like you" (Matchbox Twenty), "Human Clay" (Creed) and "No Name Face" (Lifehouse). The last two came together. =) I'm listening to No Name Face now. I might listen to Human Clay while reading Agatha Christie tonight; Creed are gwate! =)

I was just talking to Skye (Nicole). I haven't seen her in a bit. It's nice to catch up with people. I also got a message from Chelle (Sapphire) today. Yay!

Steve, Aaron, Pat and I played basketball yesterday. Pat was on my team and Aaron was on Steve's. Pat was <b>no</b> help at <b>all</b>. But we ended up getting a tie anyway. No, me being older than them all has nothing to do with it. Steve is a <b>great</b> player, if we had played for any longer he would've beaten us. Whenever the ball went near Pat she'd drop down and hold her head. xD *laughs*

Later that evening (yesterday) I went for a walk. I thought about things; lots of things; none that I can remember right now. Hehe. >=D

Awwww; I just remembered. "R" told me he might go to the club this evening; and I'm not doing anything special ... I wanna go! ... but ... I kinda already planned to stay home and relax. The last few days seem like <b>such</b> a blur. I mean .. like a dream or something. I think things are calming down for me. I wouldn't mind .. even if they just calm down for a day.

*Giggles* Mum just saw all the CDs. She say's they're too much for one day. Yikes. Looks like I should refrain from getting stuff now. =O Ah well, I'm broke anyway. I want to save up and get a ... "thing". Well I <i>was</i> saving up for something but when I forgot what it was I went out and got stuff.

*Lets out a squeal* Eeeeeeeee! My sister just said my father might take us to Sushi Corner. It's 7 PM ... yeah, still early anyway. But ... was she serious? *squeals again*
Okay, I'm outties. =D

10-04-2001, 04:50 PM
Thursday, October 4, 2001

Yeah, life pretty much sucks. I feel horrible today... the illness I've been fighting the last week finally won, and took me full force. One of the many oh-so-fun affects of this is that I'm losing my voice -- a great thing for a vocalist.

Stressed doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm having steady conflict with my roommate, who also happens to serve on my hall's exec board, along with me. I have to tiptoe around all that so as not to create chaos on the job. Grr.

The few people I really like to talk to, online and offline, I never seem to catch anymore. It's frustrating. I know they're around, yet I can't see them. My offline friends and I have been busy with various Homecoming activities, and studying, so we're never free at the same times. My online friends, I really don't know what they do, except the ones I'd really like to talk to are never on the messanging programs anymore, although I see plenty of posts by 'em. But when they are on AIM or Y!M, and I try a conversation, it usually dies within a few minutes. Oh, well. I guess I shouldn't complain, I'm more than used to being alone.

Let's see, what else to write about? Do I have anything happy to throw into my first October entry? Not really. What a shocker.

Sorry if I brought any of you readers down with this. I'll stop now.


10-05-2001, 02:15 AM
<font color="#009999">
10/4/01 9:00 PM

Hmm, lesse what I need to fill you all in about. *thinks*
Not much. Monday, I stayed home sick from school (aceness). Yesterday was my birthday (thanks for the thread, Linoosh). Today...I did very little. School is becoming too repetitive. It's always the same old same old. 'Meh' would be the word to put in here.

I've been playing a lot of Diablo, FF7, and Fallout 2. What a coincidence that all of them are rigged games. (I used the debug room in FF7, savestate editor for Fallout 2, and a hack file for Diablo >=D )

My geetar busted on Sunday. Dunno what happened, but I'm not getting anything but string noise. My mom was supposed to get it into the music store today, but she wasn't able to. Meh.

I did, however, get my present from my grandparents today. Ten bucks. Not as much as usual, but it's cash, and I could use a lot more of it :D

Tommorow's Friday, thank goodness. I don't plan on doing anything this weekend. For the first time in a while, I'm just gonna hang out...relax. Y'know what it's like.

10-05-2001, 04:59 AM
I feel like I have to write something about this, because it's been really difficult lately, and I don't think I've written much of anything about it.

My Mother is getting quite difficult. I think "destroying my life" is a bit overly dramatic, but it's a problem, I daresay my foremost problem.

I live with only her, I took care of her for months after she had surgery and my brother moved out, and she's making my life hell. Imposing restrictions, trying to order me around (which, for the sake of self-esteem, I should note doesn't work), throwing out my things, the fits of screaming and swearing, getting angry at me and wishing me dead because I DON'T respond to her...She can't seem to stand the fact that I have a life.

Three things in last two days that I can't see justified, under any circumstances: 1. Telling my best friend that I was busy for the night and couldn't see him, even though I'd said nothing like that, 2. going through MY room and throwing out all my little trophies and medals and things that I'd won in little league and debating and camp and stuff. Some of those meant something to me, and now all I have is one little plaque thingy from last year. She even threw out my junior high graduation certificate. Why? Because I didn't move a couch for her in the morning. 3. Not coming to my brother's graduation. There was no reason for it other than to hurt his feelings, and it's despicable. He didn't do anything to her.

It's getting very difficult to stay calm and act happy these days. She isn't someone I try to listen to, but I live with her, for now, and it's really affecting how I'm acting towards other people. I'm not talking to my friends as much, I'm not talking to people online as nicely, I'm losing marks. Dammit, I shouldn't complain, but it's getting worse. I had a respite over the summer, and now it's getting bad again, and I find myself being depressed during the day again. *sigh* Sometimes I wish I could just have my Mom back...

But it won't happen. I'm just biding time until I can leave, and we both know that now. Tick-tock, tick-tock. I can have so many great things in my life yet this one is managing to make me unhappy. It's just the constant stuff. It's always something. I can't recall she last time she said something nice about anyone or anything, and it's sad. Oh well...


10-05-2001, 11:35 AM
so...brick wall...we meet again. well, i think you're in for a surprise! that's right! I have a SECRET WEAPON! aha! it's um...around here somewhere...hang on...i left it in my bag...here it is! and now, brick wall, watch as you crumble at the wrath of this...plastic spork? plastic spork??!! how the hell am i supposed to do anything now. oh well, that's just drainpipe-trouser-tastic, isn't it? argh...stupid confusing stupidness.

10-06-2001, 04:37 AM
11:27 P.M.


That pretty much sums up today. School was fine, and since it was homecoming week, about half of the day was spent at a pep rally. I had to stay after for Forensics, and then came home and went back fro the homecoming parade/game. I had three T-Shirts on, and a change of clothes in my gig bag, as well as the thick band raincoat. Well, by the time the parade started my coat had soaked through and my jeans were all wet. Once I got up into the stands, there was such a cold wind that my hands and legs went numb. I was out in the cold, heavy, driving rain for about four hours, and we left the stadium right after halftime. I finally made it home, and I'm eagerly anticipating homecoming dance tommorow.

Umi Butterfly
10-06-2001, 04:52 AM
I just remembered I was going to write and entry a wile ago... too bad I forgot.


My week :

Co-op at Mental ward in hosptial.
Go to friends 18th party.
More work.
Movies with friends.
Attempting all nighters.
Singing Class.
Have friend over and play computer games.
Go out with girl friend and do stuff.
Again, work.

Meh... I'm totally whiped out. Stick a fork in me and turn me over, because I'm done like dinner.

Good night and good weekend all. And for all those who are Canadians, Happy Thanksgiving Weekend!

10-06-2001, 05:58 AM
<font color="#009999">
10/6/01 12:48 PM

I just realized that I keep on losing. I realized this today with my friends. Every time we have gotten something good this year, something had to come and knock us down. Seriously. I wait through the stressful week for a weekend, and end up getting depressed during the weekends from random things. It sucks.

My mom's taking my guitar in tommorow (or today, whatever) to get it looked at. I really want to play it, but I haven't been able to >_<

I'm gonna start working on my LJ. I made one a while ago, but I never really used it. I'm going to now. (the link to it is http://www.livejournal.com/users/uselessrandom/ )

Meh. That's all I have to say to sum this all up.

10-06-2001, 11:39 AM
Hi diary
I wonder how it will go today...I mean, the wedding and all. I'm supposed to be a waitress and not to do any mistakes. But with my clumsiness, I'll probably end up spilling the main course all over the bride.

And my dad, he's mad and sad at me. I know I don't like it here, I mean, I love my dad of course, but I still don't like it here. I like it much better down at mums place. And now my lil' bro said he wanted to fix so that we would spend one week at my mums place, then one week here, and so on. I dont want that. Firstly, I'll have to walk 3km from school, uphill. Secondly, I'd have to be so social with the kids, at mums place I have more freedom for me.

But, back to happy things :)
I might be able to go to london soon! And shop, shop and shop all day long! Maybe I should go to Bournemouth instead, they have better shops there and it aint so very expensive. But then again, I just used 500$ on clothes, only clothes.... I think I have enough for a couple of weeks.

And soon my friends bday!!!

Loony BoB
10-06-2001, 11:53 AM
I'm visiting somewhere between the mortal world and Hell. I dunno. It's fairly Sonny.

Emma and I are in our most heated argument right now, and there's nobody online to make me feel better. *wants to be put to sleep for a long, long time*

10-06-2001, 04:47 PM
Saturday, October 6, 2001 - 10:28 AM CST

My week of Homecoming Hell has come to an end! Last night, I finally couldn't take it. All week people have been slacking on their activities, things they volunteered for... the last night, for a skit-thing we were supposed to do... the people who were set up to do it went home from campus! I was so angry that I realized despite the fact that I was the one coordinating Homecoming activities for my residence hall, that I just couldn't go to the stuff taking place this morning. Instead, I took Benadryl at four in the morning, and slept through it all, 'til my phone rang around ten.

So, at least one stress-causer is out of the way. Which brings me to my problem...

Last night, around 3:30 or so, just before bed I fell into this...mood. I realized that I'm not living up to anyone's expectations, I'm failing miserably, and not pleasing anyone. My teachers, my boss, my family, my friends, I'm not being what anyone expects or wants me to be. Now, normally I'm all for "don't be what they want, be what you are" but that's not really what I'm doing. I don't know how to describe it.

The funniest part is that I know that the few people who's opinion of me truly matters have no 'expectations' of me. My family's made it clear that I can do what I want with my life. I've chosen college, they're great with that, but they made it clear they'd be fine if I had just chosen to go into the workforce instead. My friends, Hell, they're my friends... offline or online, they're the ones who choose to hang around me, so if they don't like who I am, why would they stick around? I think that's what I'm afraid of, though. That I haven't been completely honest about who I am, how I am, how I want to be... and that as they find out, as I let the 'real me' shine through, my loved ones will scatter, not liking that Becky. Which is stupid, I know, but I'm afraid... the stronger I care for someone, the more afraid I am of letting them get close, or stay close, to me, because closeness makes one vulnerable, and then able to be hurt, and also because I figure once they see who I really am, see past my everyday facade... despite the close relationship, they'll all leave, out of dissapointment or whatnot that I'm not who they want me to be.

And, I don't know why the Hell I'm writing this all here. Maybe 'cause a friend last night suggested just writing it all out to clear my head, and it felt like a good idea. And while this is far from everything, since some is just too personal for a public journal... I guess I feel better. Well, not really. I'm still confused, angry, upset, and just 'meh' in general, for lack of better terminology.

That means I should stop now.


10-07-2001, 04:33 PM
yesterday started out wonderful and rainy.. and just like the weather my day turned itside inside out. The coming of the sun brought with it sadness and anger. It would explain my overt hate for any form of discrimination, and my passion to fight for anyone who has been insulted because they are different as of late. Yesterday was the culmination of all those feelings.. I was livid.. I wanted to rip someone in half.. yet all I could do was hold my friend as he bled and try not to cry or kill the person who had hurt him..

Today has just begun for me.. I have a day of packing ahead of me, packing and last minute arrangements. I'm going to Virginia until thanksgiving.. yay.. too bad I'm already considered a misery chick there... sad considering i've never talked to or met any of the people saying so...I'm off to continue packing now.. enjoy the sunshine everyone...

10-08-2001, 05:28 PM
<font color=CE90E2 Size=2>Again, this is from my <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/eriko">Lj</a>.

<b>Mood:</b> <img src="http://img.livejournal.com/mood/niaha/kitty/ankhappyb.gif"> amused.
<B>Music:</b> What's This Life For by Creed. (acoustic).

I thought about it all and I think I'm kinda "not" together with the rest of the group (of friends) because I'm too quiet. And I <b>never</b> protest when I get left behind; Faith gets left behind sometimes and she protests about it, so does Mimi. So ... I guess I <b>should</b> protest also ... just to let them now that I'm "alive" too.

I forgot to mention this earlier ... I <b>finally</b> finished reading <i>The Mirror Crack'd from Side to Side</i> by <i>Agatha Christie</i> yesterday. Remember that book? From aaaaaages ago. Well, the thing is I was going to take it with me when I'd gone to KSA but I accidently left it at home and when we came back I'd forgotten all about it. But when I remembered I started to look for it and didn't find it. And when I did I didn't have time to read it. *falls over* But I did some serious reading in the last couple of days and finished yesterday. Yay!

But I had my suspiciouns about the person who murdered all the people since .. like .. really early and the motives were also what I thought. *faints* And I'm <i>never</i> right. When I finished reading I was like all jumping around the living room saying: "I knew it! I knew it!" and mum thought I went mad. ^_^;;;

I was working on the "profile" section of the new site (still not gonna put the url up yet ... thought it's already there at Laurens' forums). *dies* Oh yeah, while I worked on the "profile" section, the compy froze. *sigh* *doesn't want to check and see if she had already saved parts of it 'cose she doesn't want to be disappointed* xD.

Agent Proto
10-08-2001, 08:50 PM
I have decided to have my named changed at EoFF from Agent Proto to something more practical which could go with any theme I choose. When and if the admin I PMed decides to change it, I will now be known as <b>Preton</b> at these forums. I will keep the nickname Proto at chat for some people convenience, but at the forums, I decided to go for a change. I hope people will accept my new screen name.

10-08-2001, 10:10 PM

well, yesterday I got meself Baldur's Gate 2! er... the Manual is more like a novel tho... I guess I can't write much in this space since I'm not thinking properly. But one things for sure... Imoen is NOT worth 20k!

10-09-2001, 11:03 AM
hm...not much different. towns wasn't at school today so we couldn't do the scooby doo thing. hehehenyahaha. ha! i can't even be bothered finishing this post, there's no point cos the more things change the more they stay the same :hat:

goodnight amigos! :D

10-09-2001, 10:06 PM
ďÖBlew, blew away, but I donít wanna fadeÖĒ

Iíve written quite a lot lately, but I donít believe Iíll be posting it. I wrote it with the intention of posting it, but it was a bit too personal, even though I took effort to depersonalize it. Oh wellÖ

Clichť as it may be to state such, love, whatever kind of it you might have, IS the energy behind which all which is created, and the lack of it is the only thing which truly destroys. Dark. light, in-between, but I donít know. Whatever it may be, my new salvation is such that I donít think Iíll ever be the same, and that is quite a good thing, I feel. Iím still more intoning than feeling, but it gets tiresome to disconnect from most of your life and connect and strengthen with the rest. Iím still here, though. Iíll probably ramble on later.

I don't know if I'm being cryptic. If you know what I'm talking about it makes sense. No, really. Maybe...

10-10-2001, 12:22 AM
Hmm..I haven't been writing here yet. I've had LiveJournal for a while, but I guess I could paste and copy some of my LJ entries here.

Here goes today, oh-my-so awful today:

<i>"What are you doing, oh great Ghostraper?"</i>

<i>"I don't know."</i>

[ mood | blah ]
[ music | System of a down - Spiders ]

Today wasn't that great. :rolleyes2

For some reason I felt awful in morning and I decided to take day off. Finland is getting so cold already; It's below zero in the mornings now. That feels cold after summer, and now I'd just better begin adjusting in -30 celcius's freeze. Our Ice-hockey practises begin in 10 days, and I'm little excited about that. Hockey is my bringer of light in winter.:D I've been listening all kinds of hockey related songs lately, related so that they usually play them between the whistles in games. Trying to get myself inspired and such. Yep yep. I should be careful with my left wrist too. Baah, I wanna out from Finland for a while.

Gah, my thoughts were flying more and more far in the future.:p As I took day off, I was online pretty much this morning. I was very very bored. Then later in day we went indoor swimming and sauna, and that was great. That always makes me feel great. I didn't feel like going anywhere after that and I came home. Watched TV, played some Baldurs gate, napped, thought and planned stuff, came online and now I'm bored again.:P People who'd I really like to chat with stay for like few mins online tonight, or aren't online at all.

Haha,yeah! And while I napped today I saw most odd dream. Can't remember it well, but 'tis was odd. It was related to someone else's dream that person had seen earlier. *laughs* I don't feel like sharing it now. Heh, it's very late and I should go to bed.

I could almost honestly say that I almost fear going to bed now, if I felt being honest about this fear. Yeah, goodnight folks. *tucks and messes everyone's hair*

<b>EDIT:</b> I've been called many, but I apparantely have a new nick and it's <i>Milkers</i>. *.O *fears every single one of YOU*:D

10-10-2001, 01:09 AM
Tuesday, October 9, 2001 - 6:50 PM CST

Song of the Day: "Somewhere Out There"

I had the best conversation last night, on the phone, with a friend I haven't spoken "seriously" to (as in, beyond "hey, how's it goin'?") in far too long. It made my day better, and I was already having a rather good day.

I'm really confused, but what else is new, right? I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life. Heh. I may be changing majors in school, but I don't know what I should do. I'm just... uninspired to do much of anything, really. I have no ambition anymore, and it shows in how often I skip classes, or just sleep the day away.

Days are hard. Nights are easier. Nights are dark, it's harder to see.

It's good at time to be blind.

Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight...
someone's thinking of me, and loving me tonight...

I think that I'm starting to tear away a lot of my delusions about life, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. I rather enjoy being in my little self-made happy land. Cliche as it is, ignorance is truly bliss.

I don't even know what I'm saying tonight. Heh. I feel like a child again.

Somewhere out there, someone's saying a prayer,
that we'll find one another
in that big somewhere, out there...

My friends are a great comfort to me. They let me curse and kick and rant and sing until I feel ready to continue living. My significant other (gosh, it's hard to find a term that sounds more 'grown-up' and less high school like than 'boyfriend' that doesn't sound so... clinical) brings balance to my life, heh, even as he brings chaos. It's nice to have someone, finally, who accepts me for who I am, and who I don't feel the need to hide my 'true self' from. I can be me without fear of not being accepted. I rather like that.

Yet, I'm feeling closed off from everyone in my life. I really don't know why. I think it's because I'm starting to push people away again. Stupid and foolish of me, I know, but sometime's the only way I can cope is to be alone.

And even though I know how very far apart we are,
it helps to think we might be wishing
on the same bright star.

Music has been my true comfort today. I've been singing on and off all day (so nice to finally have my voice back completely!), and it just makes me feel... right. Heh.

I can't help but wonder why I keep writing this, or if it makes sense to anyone... that is, if you all haven't already stopped reading. Lryics...

And when the night wind starts to sing
a lonesome lullaby,
it helps to think we're sleeping
underneath the same big sky.

Y'know, I haven't even thought of this song since a few years back, when these girls were singing it as a duet in choir, and I worked with them outside of class, polishing it. It's a good tune, despite its simplicity... maybe because of its simplicity. Who knows, who cares? I certainly don't. Anyway, a friend last night (during aforementioned phone call, I believe) reminded me of this song... heh. Now it's stuck in my head!

I think I've reached that point where I should really stop this. I want to sing again. Heh. Just for those of you who need the end of the song, though... here. Feel fulfilled!

Somewhere out there, if love can see us through,
then, we'll be together somewhere out there,
out where dreams come true...

Yes. Tuesday's almost over. And, this entry is over.


10-10-2001, 11:56 AM
I guess it's really morning, but this is around the time I usually get ready to go to bed. Anyway, today was a pretty normal day in my now strange life, but work was a bit stressful. Dealing with stupid people all day tends to cause some stress. :) Finally, though, I'm able to relax and have some free time (enough to actually get things done) from work for a few days. I need to do some shopping, maybe some cleaning. It's been hard adjusting to things around my house lately, and home just doesn't seem to feel like home anymore. Actually, everything seems different lately, and sometimes I wonder if things will ever be "normal" again.
Oh well... Nothing much else to do but wait and see what tomorrow brings...

10-10-2001, 06:02 PM
<font color=CE90E2 Size=2><b>Mood:</b> <img src="http://img.livejournal.com/mood/niaha/kitty/ankcreateb.gif"> Artistic.
<B>Music:</b> FFIX: Disc 2: Track 17.

Okay so today's events are coming back. xD

They took us on a trip from school today. Kelly and I were like, we didn't want to go but Sarah <b>made</b> us. We really didn't have much of a choice anyway. We went to a lecture .. too made we made it in the second half of it, it sounded very interesting.

Hmm...there was something that I had to say ..

Oh yeah. When we came back from the "field trip".. Bea, Ash, Cas and I went to the Cafeteria ... the Social Worker said we could so we went. Cas said she was hungry. But we didn't go to class straight after getting the food .. we sat near the stairs till Cas was done. <i>Then</i> we decided to head to class.
We got to class, okay? BUT the teacher was angry. She was pacing around in front of class and didn't even look at us! *fear*
I don't know if she was just angry at the four of us or everyone else. Because when she talked to the social worker they called two other girls from our class; can't understand why.
In Chemistery class the headmistress came in and gave us a lecture about what we did in math class. Though I still can't understant "what" made the teacher angry! Was it the four of us being late, or was it everyone else?! *confused*
Looks like I'm going ot have to go talk to our headmistress on Satureday morning. If the other three don't want to "fess up", it's up to them ... but I kinda want to.

After a talk with Mum today, she told me that I shouldn't dwell on things, it lowers your own opinion of yourself. But this. I mean, this <b>has</b> to be dwelled on ... it's so worth it.

*Needs to go have another talk with Mum*

Yep. These days I tell my mum alot of things. I'm glad we're getting closer. =)

Ohh yeah. And some people have been trying out all new ways of getting on my nerves. -_-;; I would've told them to stop it all but whenever I try they play stupid and pretend they have *no* idea what I'm talking about.

10-10-2001, 10:25 PM
today was 'gloat day' :D

10-10-2001, 11:59 PM
<i> "Why are you tormenting me so greatly, oh Ghostraper?"

"I don't know, oh little ghost." </i>

[Music: Mikztsu - Voices in my head]


Today was the day of severe confusion and oddness.

Last night I woke up, and I was shaking and couldn't breath well. That was kinda freaky. *_* Not many thoughts in my head to share with you now. *feels kind of Mik*

Nighty, everyone.

10-11-2001, 01:33 AM
I've been in Virginia for two days and I already want to go home, is that normal? I mean really, WTF?? I'm so incredibly bored and lonely here. I have no one to talk to cuz Jon's always at class or has tons of homework.. which I expected would happen.. but there's nothing to goddamn do either. And I can't talk to my net friends when they are on because I can't get on the compy.. I'm sharing one modem with 3 college guys.. hmm.. I think their homework just MIGHT come before my "silly" need to talk to my friends..and it does :mad:

10-11-2001, 07:10 PM
<font color=CE90E2 Size=2><b>Mood:</b> <img src="http://img.livejournal.com/mood/niaha/kitty/ankhappyb.gif"> cheerful.
<B>Music:</b> Tunnel Allstars - Let your mind fly (Dj @ work edit).

*Retraces today steps*.

Okay, I got up at about 9 something AM. The oddest thing happened. While I brushed my teeth, I wondered when was my next appointment with the dentist was going to be. It'll be a pre-braces thingy. Then, about two minutes later my sister walked in my room and said that someone wanted me on the phone. It turns out that they called me from the dental clinic to remind me that my appointment is going to be on Satureday afternoon. Isn't that weird or what?

After that we dropped Sethy and Henry off at grandmama's and picked Lilly up.

We headed to the clinic. Pat and Steve were going to get shots. Man, it took ages in a waiting room full of little children. But we did get out in the end.

<i>Then</i> we went to the mall near the clinic. First we went to Zara (a clothes store). Lilly was telling me that everyone in the university was talking about how cute the guys who work in Zara. But it's not just the workers, the male models are also drop dead gorgeous (duh). I mean, when we were looking at the posters in the male section it was like ... oh wowies. But anyway. I picked up half the store then walked to one of the cashiers and got mum to pay for about 80% of the stuff that I got. Whee. Mum <b>never</b> does that. I really <b>must</b> be dying.

After Zara mum decided to go The Body Shop with Pat. Steve came with Lilly and me to the gallery. Some of the women who work in the gallery are sooo annoying. They make you buy <i>everything</i>. I usually just tell them off. But today, the worker I talked to didn't really bother me much. But the one who talked to Lilly on the other hand ... :p. Mum joined us in the gallery later and we watched Lilly and the worker from afar. She looked like she was in deep debate. She came out later with a bag full of make up saying "It wasn't me!". xD.

Then we decided to go to <a href="http://www.promod.com">Promod</a>. We didn't get anything from there; we just looked around. Then we went upstairs and decided to look for Nine West (a place that sells shoes). But we discovered that it was at the other end of the mall and mum almost cried so we decided not to go. We went back to the ground floor and got milk shakes from Baskin Robins. Then Steve went and got a video game. Mum and Pat headed to Carrefore and made the rest of us go get lunch (take away).

We came home after that. Wait ... we went to Early Learning Centre to get something for my baby brother .. but I'm not sure where would it fit. xD

At home I called "R" and asked him if he was going to go to the club. He said he hadn't asked yet and that he'd call back. I called Cas and didn't get any answer. "R" called me back later and told me that he was going at 7:30 and going home at about 8:15. Ride problems as well. -_-;. Mum said she wouldn't take me to the hang out at 7:30 'cose it would be late and none of my other friends are going today so I decided not to go. I left "R" a message explaining that.

I went to grandmamma's house this evening. I took my psone with me and played Final Fantasy VII from the beginning.

Hee. *Laughs at self* I talked on the phone <b>alot</b> today. xD

I just shared my whole day with yoop all. *dies self*

Now I just need to go finish work on the profiles for Laurens. I did alot last night. :)

10-12-2001, 12:05 AM
From LJ thing:

[ mood | okay ]
[ music | Incubus - Drive ]

<i>"Mik, who are you?"

"I don't know."</i>

Hmmm...today was todayish.

Right now it's 1:45AM, and I'm going to bed soon. Few things troubled me and others didn't.*_* *thinks and thinks* Gosh, I can't think much to say, I thought about 10 minutes what to say after the previous sentence, and my head really feels so empty right now. I don't feel like boring you with details of my day now.

Yeah, someone (well, not just "someone", Shadow Nexus) posted first ever MikArt from my very first week here in EoFF from December!!*dances* I was so touched to see that thread.:D It's amazing how he still had it.*_O *sporks self for deleting it in a first place* I kinda promised to carry his babies if he can find the second MikArt, but I guess it's worth it...I guess. I wanna see that nifty Cloud, Sephiroth, Barret, Dyne, Marlene and random Shinra soldier picture again.:P Here's the link to that first ever MikArt thread if anyone's interested: http://www.eyesonff.com/forums/showthread.php?threadid=10214

Yeppers, I should go to bed.*_^ Have a good night/day/morning, whatever it is where are you at.

10-12-2001, 02:23 AM
Dear journal,

I posted some neat things today and got some new add-ins to my msn messenger. it was fun. Plus i chatted a bit today, but long enough to annoy Aexoden(who called himself the bunny wabbit in the chat room) =)
anywayz, i'm going to sleep now. See ya around journal.

10-12-2001, 03:27 AM
October 11 2001
Precisly 9:03ish
Song: Track 15 on my soundtrack to my life: Sum 41 - Nothing on my Back


It has been a long day, not to say that officially any day is longer then anyother, but this day, in therealm of my time, was quite possily a full year. I find it ironic how people seem to act the same around you if they really hate you and or really like you, theirs just slight;ly more touchin involved in the second of the two, or at least in a less hurtful mannor. However, under any circumstances this coul not be summed up as a good day. It appears that the entire face of the earth is about to plumet off some slighty menacing yet, none the less unintimdating face of the galaxy, I however am not inclinded to deny this from happening, I suppose I am beign to vague; and possibly crpytic.

It's the week of homecoming, ah yes, that magical spirit time of the year. Pardon me but, gag me with a spoon. I am not saying I don't like my school however the thought of beating someone senseless in a moon walk thing with big glovesdoesn;t exactly "light my fire", comical as it may be, I'd rather watch other peopel make asses of themselves. Aside from teh fact that I can;t go bowling tommarow, everything I suppose it good... oh and I'm broke :).. but that's beside the point.

I can;t say I've had the most enjoyable week after the Acmlm fiasco, and bitching at certian webmasters to get off their lazy southern asses and get FFL up, or at least a temp site. *sips dr. pepper* I have homework to do, but the idea of doing it, has barely creeped it way into my mind. Oddly enough through all of this, I am still relaxed, and for the most part calm, I realize I shoudl be upset, but apperantly I am too tired or to calm to give a damn. I guess everything will work out in the end... I mean, it always does with us, we always end up getting everythign done, We don't know how, but we do....

~Silence Messiah
tend not to talk in first person, I'll work on that.

10-13-2001, 04:06 AM
I feel pretty awful right now... I wish my friends would just tell things, instead of hiding them from me, and letting me find so.. which hurts more. -_-;;; Sometimes I wonder if some of these even deserve my trust..
here's the song for my mood... Linkin Park "in the end"

It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme, to remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me (in the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I


I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know (2x)


10-14-2001, 03:21 AM
Suddenly overtaking by a feeling of oddness. I donít know what it is, I donít think. I might, though, but I donít feel like saying if I know, which I donít know if I do or not.
A few things on my mind right nowÖthings a few people have said keep ringing around in my ears, even though a couple of them werenít, technically, said, and I have music too. Itís just not quite getting through the quotes. Not like I can do anything about it, though. None of them. None at all. Itís all the way it is, was, will be. I just donít feel...nice, anymore. I donít know. Weíll see. tra-la-la


Creid is nice...I'd forgotten it for too long, probably.

Midnight Sage
10-14-2001, 07:13 AM
Here we go, diary. I have some stuff to write about.

I have just begun to realize how being lonely and depressed feels. This move all the way from home has struck me hard and left me with nothing but sorrow. The only thing that comforts me now is internet buddies and, well, video games. :p For the first time in my life, I've started thinking about how life sucks. My parents are pretty supportive at times, yet at others they act like complete jerks. I can't even look at my sister in a mean way without my mom screaming at me! And that little twerp is just soooo annoying.

What a difference in the weather. In Oregon, the days were hot, yet the mornings were a damp cold. In Alaska, there is now snow on the ground. It's just plain cold all day, which sucks because I don't have the right clothes to go outside if I want to. I've moved so many times before, but this one has been the worst move ever. I've left the best of friends, the best school, etc. I miss playing basketball with Amanda and Stephanie, our favorite sport. It was still quite enjoyable, even though Stephanie never made any efforts to actually play, she just kind of stood there and watched Amanda and me play one-on-one. *sighs* Oh well, nothing I can do about it.

Just thought I'd let out a tiny bit of anger, but expect more diary! I'm only just starting! I know my life could be a lot worse, but still...I'm going through rough stuff.


Umi Butterfly
10-14-2001, 04:58 PM
Mood : Unknown

Yea, Unknown about sums it up. =p I've just been kinda' robotic for a while. Doing my daily chores and then some.

Oh... dear God. ~_~ I got my report card marks, well... 5 of 8. =X 4 A's! ... and a C. X_X You'd think my mom would be happy with the four As... but nyooo she attacks me for that vicous C. =_=

So now... I'm like, grounded from the computer on school nights by 10:00. There is no mercy in this world.

I have to work tonight. Another fun-filled closing shift at McDonalds. Though it may indeed be fun, Bret is going to be there. =D He's one of the only reasons I remain sane when cleaning the fry station.

I'm going to the Our Lady Peace Concert... XD~~ WOot!!
Elyse is also going, we're going with some other friends but I'm excited. OLP! In To. =o~~~

I'm officially addicted to :
1)little faces
2)Ragnorak Online [www.ragnarokonline.com]
3)My cat [She's been getting uber attention lately]
4)Drawing on Oekaki boards
5)Think I'm actually good at something. XD

(Is also addicted to Angela, Scott and Britt.... though that goes without mention.)

10-14-2001, 07:20 PM
<font color=CE90E2 Size=2>Dear <B><A href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/eriko">Journal</a></b>,

The only memorable thing that happened today was that I got up at six AM without an alarm clock. But the even odder thing is that I went to bed after 1 AM. 0_0 I am <b>so</b> proud of myself.

Y'know, today it struck me. I'm still very annoyed at the person who talked behind my back and made this friend of mine stop talking to me. In fact, if that person was in front of me, I'd strangle them! Wait, no I won't. I'd talk to them about it; somehow bring it up. I thought they were my friends. But there has to be a reason ... and I know what it is ... half and half, actually.

Sheesh. We've got school tomorrow. *sigh*

Oh! My Dad took us out to dinner today. Man, with all the things we've eaten ... we're gonna starve ourselves for months. I feel like vomiting. And the food wasn't even that great, it was so ordinary; just big plates and stuff. Well, it was fun today anyway .. kinda. =) It was fun at the museum, though.

10-14-2001, 08:06 PM
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | Gob - I hear you calling ]

This is a journal entry. *÷_÷*

<i>"Ghostraper, is this really a journal entry?"

"YOU tell ME."</i>

Today sucked majorly just because of one thing; My favourite football team Fulham FC lost to Aston Villa 2 - 0. >_< I had waited this game so much, and all they did was missed brilliant scoring chances and one penalty kick even! Bah! They've been playing brilliantly every game, but they have this huge jinxed goal scoring duck. They just can't convert their chances and it's very frustrating.*>_O*

I know that I takes sports too seriously, but I like it actually. ;D

So I'm frustrated and pissed at the moment, and I feel like I'm on verge of boredom right now. *>_O* *tries to entertain self* It's almost 10pm, and I guess I should go to bed earlier today.


10-15-2001, 03:54 PM
Monday, October 15, 2001 - 9:46 AM CST

I just had the best weekend I've had in forever.

It was great. My roommate went home, two of four people here at school I generally socialize with went home, and a bunch of the people I talk to online weren't around. I was alone, and God, I liked it. A lot. I've needed this, what my friends have begun calling "Becky Time". I got absolutely nothing accomplished but had a great, relaxing time not doing it. One thing some people don't understand about me is my need to just have no people around. I've lost a few friends that way, 'cause their feelings have been hurt when I've declined hanging out in favor of sitting by myself and doing nothing in particular. But, oh well.

Now it's Monday, in 20 minutes I have to go to classes... meh. At least my schedule today is light, all I've got is a band rehearsal, a choir rehearsal, an hour at the office and music theory class. Whee.

I don't have much else to add except I feel much better, physically, mentally and emotionally after this weekend of solitude. It should be enough to tide me over 'til the Thanksgiving holiday break.


10-15-2001, 09:44 PM
ah the confusingness. so...i could do that, or that , or that. well, i can't really do that or that, although technically i can, and although i could technically do the third thing, i know that really i can't. well...maybe i could? nah. i can't. well...i might. maybe. aha! i know! i know! as much as i might like any of the things to do stuff, it is logical to say that there will be no stuff at all! well, except maybe in the last case. which will not work. so why do i keep considering it, or any of the its?

10-17-2001, 02:52 AM
..I don't think I ever knew any of you at all.

10-17-2001, 11:22 AM

huh, maybe i should start writing here.... well, that's my diary thus far, I'm gonna write new entries here :biggrin:

10-17-2001, 12:21 PM
i have wasted a lot of semi valuable time, been saved from certain doom via runningoverness by townsboy, been beaten to a pulp in geography, been attacked/mauled/visited by the puppy twins many times, recieved strange mail from MikLand, posted evil non postcard yet still evil mail to some people, been presented with an award thingee for debating, attended classes i don't even take, started random debates with authority figures on all levels in an emotion-eric like manner, named 'the goldfish' for the 50 millionth time, posted mr-mean cartoons in a phrasmotic fashion around the school and uh...that's about it.

well...not really. but...does it matter?

10-17-2001, 04:40 PM
Uhhh...The clock is 6:30 PM and I'm still at work >_<. We made one little mistake constructing stuff and we had to take itto pieces and start all over, today, as those tracks have to be ready by tomorrow.=\ Other guys are finishing it right now, while boss arsed me to translate one short manual in English, which I'm doing right now.

Who knows, we'll have still have to stay here for few hours. *shrugs* It's always like that when someone is going to travel. Frustrating anyways, but it's okayish actually...as long as I'll get Hell outta here before 9:45PM when UEFA Champions League game starts.

Lalala...God how I <i>love</i> translating all this technical terminology. >=[

<b>EDIT</b>: I got off at 7:30 PM.*_* It's funny how time runs like beered turtle before, and after it's 4PM (the time you normally get off), it runs so fast, especially when you think how you normally would be off at that time.

I'm fine now; It's almost midnight and I'm tiredishly exhausted. Hmm hmm...odd things in my mind.


10-17-2001, 06:58 PM
Two words, : Fly Girl
This b**** at school, for now I'll call her fly girl. We were at the bus stop, me, her, and my mate Sophie. Anyway, the conversation went something like this:

Fly Girl: Hey AURORA!!!!
Me: Yeah, whatever
Fly Girl: Can I call you ROARY?
Me: You can, but if I respond or not is up to me
Fly girl: Your such a cocky, anorexic b****!
Me: Look, just f*** off
Fly Girl: <gets out lighter> Are you gonna make me?
Me: No.....
Fly Girl: <laughs, and flickers lighter on my neck>
Me: YOU F****** B****!
Fly Girl: Hah! Now make me move!
Me: <rubs neck> No........
Fly Girl: What, you chicken?
Me: No, I don't have to stoop to your level
Fly Girl: Why don't ya do some 'Kung Fu' on me! <hopelessly does some kicks and jummping around>
Me: Because I don't do 'Kung Fu', what I do is probably to complex for your brain to pronounce and anyway we're not allowed to do it out of lessons
Fly Girl: <gets out lighter again. Bus comes>

See? Now I have a massive burn on my neck! All thanks to Fly Girl.

10-18-2001, 05:29 AM
What a greatly bizarre day...the second half was fun though :cool:. I don't even have that much time...well, I guess today wasn't as fun for some of the people that made it fun, but that happens. It was great to see Jen again. We have a tendency to lose contact with people because we don't get to talk to them whenever we want.
She wants on my visible list though...This is a tough decision...'Cherub Rock' is SUCH a good song. Especially when played at volume 'wake up neighbours". I'm getting sleepy, and I'm just about all cuddled out for tonight, so I think I'd better go to bed. Heheh....I can't recall the last day I didn't go on the computer until this late :)
Well...ta-ta for all


10-18-2001, 05:59 PM
Dear Journal.....


but anyway, i'm entering a new entry from school! of course, i'm on my lunch break. I tend to stop byt the chat every once-a-while and chat with everyone. (DUH!)

anyway, it's about 8 months left till my junior prom(Gosh, why am i worring about the prom so suddenly?)

i got my date already, attire, and choice jewlery for showing-off.

i guess thats it for now, write in ya a bit later journal! i'm gonna enjoy the rest of my lunch break!;) :p :eek: :mad: :tongue: :whoa: :love: :cool: :love: :p :eek: ;) :mad: :greenie: :tongue: :o :D

10-18-2001, 09:47 PM
Dear Journal thing,

Just ignore Lovely Ellone's nasty words, she doesn't know what she is talking about. I never doubted your journalness and never will...*sporks Ellone*

[music: M.A Numminen - "Kuinka saisin rikki kookospšhkinšn?"]
[mood: *_*]

<i> "Mikael, umm...that's so disturbing."</i>

I cut my toenails today, it was pretty fascinating. I had not much to do today, so I napped something like 4 hours. It's 11:30pm right now, and I'm not sleepy at all. *is b0red* Alana (EoFF's Ariel) is away for 3 - 4 weeks because they are moving, and I'm missing her already. We always have awesome and funny chats. *laughs and cries simultaneously*

Planning is evil, but I'm definitely going to swim dome for gymming, swimming and sauna. I need that...It always loads my batteries and r0x0rs my b0x0rs.:D

Oh, and if you have Audiogalaxy or something like that, download that song (*points above*) just for the Heck of it, eventhough you don't understand Finnish. *_^^You won't be disappointed. *has no idea if that song is on Auduigalaxy though* It was kinda amusing how they performed on this summer's Ilosaarirock, as they are more like children's band. *laughs* But crowd loved it!


~ Mikael

10-19-2001, 03:37 AM
zorb! i stayed up laaaaate last night doing my geo thingee, but i had another one of my strange caffiene-related drinks so i've been overly sproingy and zorby all day. i joined greenpeace! yay! except no one wants to come with me to the anti-ge food rally they are holding next week...i'll have to fix that...three day weekend! and maybe stuff and things too...maybe.

10-19-2001, 05:51 PM
A bit to write.. bear with me here ok?

Well, yesterday was Family Values 01, in Washington D.C. Jon and I left the appartment around 11am because DC is about 5 hours from here. We stopped for lunch and we talked the whole way there. It was really nice. When we got to D.C there was traffic out the arse and we got stuck in a lane that veered off from the road we wanted to stay on. ¨_¨

So we ended uo on some highway and we had to stop and ask someone off of an exit where on earth the MCI center in DC was. We got our directions and went. We parked in the MCI center parking garage.. gah $20!! -_-;; cheap cheap people, knowing there was no other close parking garage and it was cold out.. bah! So we parked and rode the elevator up into the arena itself. We got inside BEFORE they started letting people who were standing outside in. w00t! So we snagged our tshirts with minimal amounts of people and found our seats. we were ion the main concorse.. second row from the stage!!! *drools* omg.. it was amazing. Now for the bands.

Deadsy came on first, I've never even heard of them before. When they played their first few chords of their first song i was instantly hooked. I knew right then and there this band is awesome. They play an industrial gothic synth rock style of music. *if that made any sense to you* something that hasn't been pulled off well in a very very long time. The only other person I can think of who comes close that I'm familiar with is Adrian Alexis.. and he's more upbeat than Deadsy. There was this one band member who was playing this REALLY funky guitar like instrument.. only he was pushing buttons and not strumming.. no not a guitar synth.. it was weird.. halfway through he switched for a stringed instrument. And randomly enough.. he looked a LOT like mikael.. only thing is.. his hair was just perfectly straight and unmessy like.. otherwise very very much alike.. *fear*

second band was Static X. Now, I was only vaguely familiar with this band before last nite. I'd heard some songs, but not many. Damn man! they tore shit up! I think a slew of people at the arena had NO CLUE what Static was all about since the majority of them just stodd or sat and gaped at the strangely dressed men playing some bad ass music and screaming some great great lyrics. After seeing them live, I've now went from a moderate interest to a great like of the band.. I'd like to see them headline their own tour someday.. I'd be there, no fail.

Third band is one of my personal favorites, Linkin Park. They came on and the crowd went absolutely insane. They played almost everysong on their hybrid theory cd. It was awesome. The energy from the band, the energy from the crowd... we all screamed along.. they got us angry.. they got us pissed, they got us screaming out the lyrics with all the heartfelt anger and emotion we had in us. When they sang in the end, we all sang along.. not a person in the arena that I could see, wasn't singing..It was powerful. This was my second time seeing Linkin, first time was at Ozzfest 01. At Ozzfest tho, the bass was turned up so loud you couldn't hear the singers all that well, this show was much much better.

Fourth band is dare I say, my favorite band as of late. The badn who's music i can most relate to.. Staind. They came out playing "Open your eyes" the first song off Break the Cycle. People went crazy again, possibly even more so than for Linkin, I know I did anyways. Their set was one that was filled with pain, sadness, and anger.. it was a very very emotional set for me. I cried, I got pissed off and screamed the words right along with Aaron Lewis.. everyone seemed to be feeling something. They ran through Mudshovel, Fade, Outside, Been a while, suffer, For you, crawl, and a few more from both dysfunction and break the cycle.They ended with Spleen.. and angry song from dysfunction. Their show left me shaking with emotion.. They are such a powerful band. This was also my second time seeing them, and it was just as good as the first time.. only this show they were touring a different album.

The last band of the nite was Stone Temple pilots.. A rock alternative legend. They've been around for almost as long as I can remember. Their set was evrything I had hoped, and even more. They played only a few newer songs (like sour girl) , but the majority of their set was older well known, well loved songs.. sex type thing, Interstate love song, half the man I used to be, and Vaseline to name a few. They are by far one of the greatest bands I have ever heard live. Thwir show was amusing, as much as it was serious musical experience. Scott weiland ended up getting naked and wrapping a flag around his waiste.. don't worry.. he turned away and we all only saw some INCREDIBLY pale white butt. :p At the end tho Dean pulled Scott's flag away, and he wasn't quite quick enough to cover himself with his hands to keep some people from getting a peek.. he ended up covering himself with a random shoe that had been thrown onstage so he could walk off with one hand raised to the audience.

Family Values 2001.. was it worth the drive and the money? oh hell yes. :)I got home at 4 am tho.. and my head and neck hurt from headbanging and the like *i was angry d00d!! it was something I couldn't control.. it just happened* I didn't fall asleep till 6:45 this morning.. so I'm a bit sleepy. Back to bed for me..

10-19-2001, 07:55 PM
Friday, October 19, 2001 -- 1:44 PM CST


Yes. I really need the weekend, this week hasn't been the best. Hasn't been the worst, either, but I'm sick of classes and sick of work, and this weekend I really don't have a whole lot to do. Tonight I have a recital I've got to attend, and I perform in two concerts Sunday (pretty much my day from 1pm 'til 9pm is taken with that, meh)... other than those three concerts, though, my weekend's free and I intend to enjoy slacking. My roommate's here this weekend, but she has a new boyfriend so I imagine they'll spend most the weekend at his place. Most my friends are going home, only Mike and Laura remain, and Mike doesn't really count 'cause he's not a person... he's a Mike. Heh.

It looks like this weekend will be great. It hasn't yet started for me, I'm on my "lunch break" I suppose, I am done with classes for the day but still have my private applied voice lesson, meh. In fact, when I finish this journal entry, I have to go warm up for and practice a bit more for that. So far, she's had me work on two English pieces and one Italian song... today, I start my first piece of French repetoire. *fear* My French has never gotten much use. All I've ever really done with French was last year in vocal diction class, we went over French IPA symbols and phonetic transcriptions/pronunciations. So, this'll be a challenge for me, but a welcome one! I enjoy being pushed to new levels with my singing.

I hope to get some recording done this weekend, but I have to wait for times when my roommate's not home so I don't "annoy" her with my vocalizations. Meh.

Let's see, what else? Eh, nothing really. It's sunny out, warmer than it has been all week, my day's almost over, the weekend's here... damn... life isn't that bad. :D

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.


Tragic Rain
10-20-2001, 01:22 AM
Music: World map music to FF Cronicles. NoXeternal is playing that game right now.

Saturday(Oct 27) I go to the local university and take my ACT. I tryed to go sign up for my GED class today, but they were full. I have to wait till january.

I really don't know what to say. I had a LiveJournal.com diary, but someone I know decided to take everything I said and turn it around to where it bit me in the ass, so this is sorta different.

In case you're wondering about the school thing, I injured my back a year ago and missed 3 weeks of school do to physical therapy. The principal said thatbecause I was absent I must be planning to bomb the school,because, according to him, I look like that type of person. Because I wasn't extremely popular. And I have only a few friends. And would rather read a really good book than waste my time with eleventh grade. So I quit because the college I want to go to said that my grades are good enough to take me now, as long as i take my GED. I agreed. *duh*.

But anyway. um. My favorite Final Fantasy is 9, because it's the only one I've ever totally beat on my own. The only one I've ever even played was 7, and that was just the chocobo race. Hopefully I'll find people on the message board to talk to.

10-20-2001, 02:01 AM
Dear Journal,

<b>Mik yesterday:</b>
<i>"Planning is evil, but I'm definitely going to swim dome for gymming, swimming and sauna."</i>

That I did <b>not</b> do today, for some unknown reason. Maybe I forgot, maybe I was too lazy, and this all results my batteries and them remaining unloaded.

I guess I'll just blame planning for this all; Planning usually shatters my plans, and my unplanned plan completing rate is much higher when these unplanned plans and their completing remains as unplanned. Or something...*÷_÷* It really must be some sort of subconscious jinx for me.

Eventhough I didn't do that swimming stuff, my days was ok. I received Postcard too.:D It took 2 weeks from it to find me.*_*



[Music: Garbage- I'm only happy when it rains]

Loony BoB
10-20-2001, 11:32 AM
I've spent the last four days doing what I've been trying not to do >_< Dammit. My hole has officially been dug... in almost every way possible? *slight exageration*

10-20-2001, 03:19 PM
yes. four months later and now...yeah. i don't know. i don't know what to say or do now. but i think that this is one of those things that you don't recover from. no. not ever. i don't know whether to laugh or cry. i did both. what to do now? well. let's just say the great confusion got cleared up really really fast.

oh yeah, and i forget who asked me this, but ant poison tastes like a mixture of chocolate and honey. i don't recommend it; it tastes terrible.

10-21-2001, 12:50 AM
I'm *GASP* bleaching my hair blonde!!!

oh dear mother of the world.. how scary is that? but it's getting dyed blue before anyone sees it bleached.. :D

Tragic Rain
10-21-2001, 11:11 PM
{music} aaliyah - everything's gonna be alright

Do you relize how young Aaliyah was when she died? I could die tomorrow. Not that I want to, i don't think. I used to want to die. I was so alone. And noone understood me. And now im getting married soon. and Still feel like im not understood sometimes. Which is ok. I'd rather be alone than with a lot of people sometimes.

I also beat Final Fantasy 9 about 20 min ago for the second time. Now I gotta go back to reading books and sleep again. Unless I can find another game I wanna play. I might start playing chrono Trigger for Super nintendo.:choc:

10-22-2001, 02:54 AM
Really just feeling alienated right now. Pretty good on the human race, I guess you could say. I'm listening to Radiohead (The Bends), if that helps. Which it probably does. The last night when I listened to anything other than SP was a long time ago.
No one cares. Soon maybe I won't care either, but right now. Sometimes I do wish someone would hold my hand...just a little. I ostensibly have no famiy, and sometimes I miss one. It would nice to have a mom sometimes. But fuck that. I don't need a little, just someone to care sometimes, not mock me and dismiss everything I say. I can take mocking, and I need to be essentially told to shut up sometimes, but some nights I just wish I could cry to someone. And I can't. I know I can't. No one gives a damn anymore. I shouldn't say no one...one of my friends does, but I can't talk to him tonight anyway, so to hell with that. No one really cares, and no one is thinking of me. I used to be content with that, like it would happen someday anyway, but right now I'm far from sure of that.
Some nights I'm just sick of it all. People, that is. I'm tired of having to smile, having to be funny, having to be another's shadow, having to pretend to like whoever I'm talking to or whatever I'm doing. Everything is fake and plasticky and I'm running out of belief in people. I don't want to give up, but I don't have a lot of energy left. I feel so worn some nights, like tonight. I don't know much of anything right now, even myself, and I shouldn't be subjecting anyone to me when I don't even think what I'm saying is funny. I have an ancient civilizations presentation to write, music presentation to prepare for, monologue to write for playwriting, and a major chemistry test to study for, and I don't think I'll do any of it. What's the point? So I can make lots of money, get a big empty fucking mansion and die? No thanks. Not for me. But I still don't know what IS for me. Everything seems like such a bitch sometimes I really don't know what to do with myself. So I bitch. Irony.
It won't be the weekend forever, and I won't have my friends forever either. I still think I should spend a few days away from chatting to catch up on work. It's all dark in here, and even the rockier side of Radiohead I find is putting me to sleep. I haven't had a good sleep in a long time...and going to bed now won't help even if I did, because my alarm would still be waking me up tomorrow morning.
I'm sick of people, I'm sick of myself, I'm sick of this post. But I don't think I'll go throw up, either. I feel this kind of pensive sadness inside me right now...not anger or anything, but it still makes me almost cry. I thought someone cared once...nice dream. I deluded myself quite well, but at the same time I guess I knew all along.
I feel like closing my eyes at my computer for an hour or so, but my left leg is being disagreeably restless, and that's destroying. The alternative is going to sleep for a bit upstairs, but then I'd probably sleep for too long, and then I'd really be screwed, because it would be morning.
I should stop whining. I'd bet I'm pissing off enough people (1) by doing this. I shouldn't lend too much creedence to what they think, but I don't feel like changing that right now. The line between not being sensitive, being indifferent, being apathetic, and disconnecting is very fine sometimes.
But I do wonder. I can't help that either. Who's really with me, who'll still be with me, and whether anyone cares or not. I think people are capable, I guess I'm just not in their sphere of influence, or whatever.
But I do like Radiohead. It's nice. Nice and hopeless, but nice nevertheless. I don't know. I don't feel very concerned right now...I guess sometimes everything just ends up fading out, and there really isn't anything left for you. I'd never tell anyone else what to think about the world, or at least I'd try not to, but, intrinsically, I'm still alone. Earlier today I just felt scared. Before I felt defeated. Right now I don't know how I feel. I've become incapable of feeling any emotion for more than an hour or so lately, and that worries me. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just packed up what I needed and got the hell away from here. I have a bit of a bank account...not much, but enough to let me buy enough time to get a job I could support myself with. Not well, but enough.
But I won't. I don't think I'll ever run away like that. Too much pride, maybe too much sense, and I'd miss what I have. As I said way up above, sometimes I just want someone to tell me it'll be okay. I know, it might not ever happen again. And that makes me sad. I don't remember asking to be left here. Or maybe I did...seriously, I might have. I just know that right now I have very little with me, and land on either side is way out over the horizon.
Who knows...maybe my destiny is to be rich and famous and loved and happy. I don't believe in that anyway. I don't know if I want to make my own way yet. Not without anyone else.
But if that's the way it's gotta be...I've got my eyes open and there's still nothing here to see. *nods* "Immerse your soul in love. " -- Last call of those who know they've already lost. For all I know that'll be me someday...Who knows. Maybe not. I guess I just have to face it for now. Dammit.


EDIT:: What's the goddamn point?

10-22-2001, 11:33 PM
FROM LJ thing:

Lack of bedness.


[ mood | okay ]
[ music | Rage against the machine - Wake up ]

Gahhh...I'll have to sleep on the floor tonight, and maybe day after and day after...

Me and my best friend fooled around today and my bed broke in two pieces. No, we were not having sex. We just kinda kiddingly fought and junk, and bang, there went my bedland. Beds aren't too cheap you know; I guess I'll have to make my parents bring me somekind of wood thing where I can place my mattress on.

I'd have so much to write about my day, but I feel too tired and lazy. It's over 1AM in here right now. *Ų_Ų*


10-23-2001, 05:03 PM
I'm still trying to cope with the idea that your my journal, journal! but anywayz, I still keep stuffing you with meaningless entries.

Entry #3

Guess what journal? i actually got banned from the chat for a short while! but i can't say who it was that banned me, however, i can say why he banned me!

First of, i was simply implying a freindly greeting: such as.... Hi everyone, hello all, greetings, (or a simple smile text thingy)

Then i started to add a whole bunch of "!"'s after my greetings and the dude got mad.....come on now? mad a mere symbols that show no sign of offensiveness?

*likes that word....offensiveness.......offensiveness.....*

usually peeps get kicked of banned for and abusive language or ideas. my "!"'s after my greeting is simply my way of showing i am having a really great day. Until some guy who is the wrong candidate for admin powers banned me just because HE didn't appreciate my "!"

think about it journal! i got banned cuz of what one person thought! surely i would think banning me would be appropriate if everyone or nearly everyone in the chat didn't like my greeting addition. btu an opinion from one guy doesn not give him a right to do as he pleases... usually there's a trial or a political voting.....or something.......

journal, has this ever happened to you? *You better really be a journal! or i'll put you under all of the other books i don't like in that dusty corner!*

10-23-2001, 05:20 PM
Tuesday, October 23, 2001 -- 11:06 AM CST

Well. Both the band I'm a member of as well as the choir had their respective concerts last Sunday... those went rather well.

To make that day even better, my parents came to watch my concerts, and took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant, Fratello's. Love that place. My typical meal is chicken and brocolli fettuchini alfredo, but they had this super-nifty walleye special, so, yeah. Awesome stuff.

It was the dinner table conversation that left a rather bleak feeling in me. Did you ever have it happen where after much agonizing you made a probably life-changng decision, only to then get new information that causes you to have to decide all over again? Sigh.

I think I've mentioned this in a prior journal post, but, this summer I had planned to move to Florida and live with my family. This was the decision I had to make, whether to stay in Wisconsin or not. I had lots I had to look at... employment, rent, etc...and I finally determined, financially, it'd be easier on my bank accounts to live with my parents for free as opposed to paying for a place in Wisconsin. So, after much debating and lots of pro/con lists, I made that choice.

At dinner Sunday, my Dad tells me, "You know, you can live at the house in Wisconsin again this summer." ARGH! I had finally figured out and accepted my decision, then I find this out. So, I've been tearing down all the factors yet again and trying to decide. I've spoken to two of my closest non-internet friends about it as well, and they were little help. I mean, not the cost of living is equal... I have a guaranteed job in WI, but in FL, apparently my family has "connections" that could more than likely get me a job for the two and a half months I'd be there. My friends are in WI, but, I never saw them last year (the closest one lives an hour drive away) due to our schedules, and the distance. In WI I could be alone, but in FL, I could be with my family. Either way I'll have no computer to use, so it'll be public library access for me. I'm really trying to focus on important reasons as opposed to wishful thinking, but it's hard when all those reasons cancel each other out! Meh. Well, enough of this, I have a class to get to. I know this isn't the point of a journal entry, but, if anyone has any advice for me, feel free to share it.


10-24-2001, 12:05 AM
Well, I only have about 5 minutes until supper is done, so I suppose I'll just talk about (surprise, surprise!) my day. I don't do that very often :)

Maybe because there's always so much in a day to mention. So many things I'd point out. But not today, really. First period was math. Dull. Next was physics. Physics test, I did...okay. Not great. 70% or so. I should do better, I should study. Then English...I didn't feel too secure talking about the education of the main character of a book I haven't read yet for 10 minutes, so I'll just do it next class. 10% off, but whaddayagonnado. We got our first essays back...I got 77% on mine, but considering what garbage it is (written at 3:00 AM, and doesn't follow the structure AT ALL! I got 10/10 for style. This is good. Means I can BS more English assignments in the future :D). Computers was dull. Got another thingy back..28/30. Technically my worst mark yet, but I'll take it, thankya. It rained a lot during the afternoon, but by the time the day was done it had stopped, so I didn't have to get soaked.
Apparently we've almost sold our house. Kinda scary. We'll have to find a new place, and it looks like we have 4 months here for closing, which is actually pretty good.
I had lots of thought and opinons, but I don't remember many, other than that R.E.M.'s "Up" is not, as I had previously thought, bad, and that "Daysleeper" is one of the best songs I've heard in a long time. I don't watch TV a lot, so all these songs don't get ruined for me. Yay me. See? I'm going into opinons again, and I'll go on forever if I let me :D
Enough for now. Today's been pretty dull. But not bad. I could take a few more like it. Aht's all for now.

10-24-2001, 12:39 AM
<b>Bed remains not being, yet simultaneously it's my floor: Who is the bed? </b>

[music: Garbage - When I grow up]
[mood: Wonderfull ]

Okay, as my bed broke down I had to sleep on the floor. Today I checked few furniture stores, and God how expensive beds are. *_* The <i>last</i> thing I wanna spend my money on is fricking bed. People don't simply buy beds! Not I at least.:rolleyes2 Beds just...are there, and you don't buy them, goddammit.

Hah, anyways I asked my dad to bring me some sort of thing, and he will do it. He said it might take few days though, as he is busyish and needs to use one of those carts you drag with car (I know, I just don't know the English name for that.:p ).

My day however was great in general, and I spoke with Lilly on the phone in seconf night row. I just love talking with her. *Ų_^*

Nighty- Mikkers is off to floor.


10-24-2001, 01:17 AM
ducdame, ducdame ducdame!

everything is the same. how very amusing.

Dingo Jellybean
10-24-2001, 02:12 AM
Ocotober 23rd, 9:12 PM EST(Tuesday)/11:12 AM Sydney Time(Wednesday)

Hmmm...there's no cold water in my house. So I had to use the dishwasher as well as take a "poor man's shower." If you weren't poor before, don't ask.

Loony BoB
10-24-2001, 04:01 AM
I feel like I've had yet another rugby ball come sailing down from the sky and land on my head xD

Talked to the girl, and I'm still totally clueless as to what the hell I'm meant to do about anything. I guess all that I wanted her to know is that I like her. Now that's out of the way, I have no idea where to go.

10-24-2001, 04:39 AM
I haven't written in a while.. that's only cuz I haven't really had anything to talk about. Now however, I've decided it's about time I updated this silly thingy.

Well saturday nite I decided that's it! I'm dying my hair.. Now! so jon and I went and hunted down hair dye. I had to *gasp* bleach my hair before i could color it. I was blonde for like 5 minutes.. twas scary.. i make an awful blonde. *ick* Then I dyed it blue! yes.. blue. xD it's faded a lil bit since I did it, due to showering and stuff.. why the hell don't they make permanent blue hair dye? *sighs* it would make life so much easier. I also bought new gauges. A new one for my belly button.. I finally took the hoop out, and now I have a barbell.. and i finally gauged the third hole in my ear lobe.. I went from a 20 to a 16. :)

I saw some movies over the weekend.. "from hell" and "corky Romano". They were both very very good... or at least I thought so. *shrugs* From hell was a lil bit weird but meh, I can't remember any Johnny Depp movie that wasn't.

I also thought quite a bit this weekend, about a lot of stuff. Jon and I talked a lot, and I found out something about my "friend" Chrissy. She's said some things behind my back to Jon, and that fucking hurts. Soooo.. i wrote her an email.. all I have left to do now is wait for her to reply. She'd better not try to pacify me.. it won't work. God, I thought she was my friend.. but I guess I was wrong. *kicks something and changes the subject*

*giggles* I wrote Mikael some very silly emails the last two days. *hehe* He's one of the only people I've talked to online recently. *huggs him tight* I've talked to him, Rafael, and Scott... but Scott only once. We seem to have grown apart again.. *sighs* I miss all of my friends a lot. Both the ones online, and off. I haven't talked to Simon in ages... every bloody time I come online he's never on, or on aim but on away. Mikael says he's always on the same time as him, but always on away. Bah.. whatever.

So today, I finally emailed mark back. It only took me a month to figure out how I felt, and how to put it. I was so nervous when writting the email.. I mean after the letter he sent me, I was thrown for a loop. *sighs* I think I'll write more about that a bit later in a locked entry.. so if you want to read it go ahead.

All I have to say right now is, thank god for the friends I have now, the ones I can trust.. and I wish the ones I hurt I hadn't... I miss my best friends so much, it actually physically hurts. Is this normal?

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: Incubus- Pardon Me (acoustic)

10-24-2001, 04:50 AM
<font color=#CC33FF>Today was a mess. Failed my social studies test just by one mark. I soo hope I do not have to resit it just cos of one stupid mark.

My personal life is just turning upside down. I really don't know what to do in my own situation but I guess it will never be said. How I feel that is.

Thinking about Angel Sirius today and how he's coping with his friend passing away. Just makes me remember my cousin and how it felt when I found out he committed suicide. I guess it did take a while to actually get over it.

10-24-2001, 10:01 AM
<font color=#FFCCFF>I did something today, I don't know whether to regret it or be proud of it.

This guy, we've never actually HAD an argument or anything before...but he knows I dislike him, it's kinda developed over time. And he dislikes me because of that. And the strange thing is, I actually went with him to the ball! He was different then though, or maybe it was just because I didn't know him well then. Anyway, I dislike him now because he bitches about me to my friends, because he is a dirty sleaze, because he talks about people behind their backs, and because he is mean.

He's in three of my classes. He sits there and stares at me sometimes, it creeps me out. These past few days, I've really gotten annoyed with him! Today in Art Design, he kept interrupting a conversation between me and my friend, and then started making fun of me. So I told him to ":bou::bou::bou::bou::bou: off"...which immediately made all my friends stop and look at me in shock. I was shocked myself cos it's not like me! I apologised straight away, and I said I didn't mean it...but it felt kinda good at the time. He deserved it. I don't know why I couldn't hold it in...maybe it's cos I was so angry...my friends are all good friends with him, so it's hard to talk about him with them. I dunno what to do...maybe I'll switch tables in Art DES or something, I just need to get away from him.

10-25-2001, 12:22 AM
Meh, very good friend of mine (or at least I thought so) seems to be ignoring me, and I absolutely have no idea why...This really sucks, because we used to talk a lot and about many things, and now all this so suddenly...Which really bothers me is the fact I have no idea why. I really can't think anything how I could've possibly hurt him, if I have.:(

It has to be some sort of misunderstanding, at least I hope so. Or do I? Well, it would really be shame to lose a good friend because of misunderstanding.

*goes to rock the floor* Good night.

10-25-2001, 03:11 AM
This is my 1st entry & it feels kinda weird, writing down personal stuff, but hey, who cares? It's not as if ne of u lot know me so... fudge it

[Today's song: F.O.D. by Green Day (say's it all)]

My problems r probably quite trivial but getting them down might help. Teen angst... who needs it?

Neway, I'm in a love-life dilemma (suprise suprise...). I'm in love with my best friend Michelle. We haven't really known each other that long, only about 1&1/2 years, but I can't help it. I 1st got 2 know her after she had a messy split-up with her jerk of a boyfriend, James. Every1 treated her like shit, except me really, coz' well... wot else r freakz like me good 4? I was always attracted 2 her coz' well... she's fine, but I wasn't really in love with her. This was all at the end of Yr. 11, & we spent our 6 weeks holiday 2gether mostly, just chillin', smoking some spliff:smoking: , getting 2 know each other. It turned out we had a lot in common, Music, clothes (I'm a bloke & I don't cross-dress...................... well, not often:laugh: ), pet hates, dirty jokes, TV, films, etc. By then I was really starting 2 fall in love with her & then the paranoia kicked in as usual with me:shame:

U c, I'm really afraid of rejection (yeah... like who isn't?) & just couldn't ask her out. I mean there's this veritable goddess, & there's me, an unhygenic slob who smokes 2 much & ain't exactly about 2 win ne beauty contests... what can I say? I'm a coward, I always c the worst in personal situations.

So, back at school 4 Yr. 12, me & Michelle go 2 a party which I have 2 virtually drag her 2. Neway, another friend of mine, Rhys is there, & the 2 of them r getting on really well... 2 well, & end up with each other by the end of the night... bugger, I really feel like beating the crap out of everything:shoot: , I mean it's my fault they're 2gether (& I MEAN my fault 4 reasons I'll get on2 l8r), ruining everything 4 me.

The next day back at school I tell Rhys that if he ever hurts her I will F*@KING kill him. I told him this bcoz' he has a past history of being shit in relationships... 1st he went out with Katy, nothing major there; then he went out with Sarah, Katy's sister (eek!:eek: ) which caused troubles, & then he f*@ked about behind Sarah's back with Olivia... REPEATEDLY, ending up with 1 major cat-fight between Sarah & Olivia; then whilst continually stringing Olivia along, making her think there could b something there just so he could get a few shags, he was making his moves on Gemma. Here the pattern is changed; with Katy, Sarah or Olivia, Rhys just kept treating them like shit & they kept coming back... tragic really, but in this case, it was Gemma who treated Rhys like shit (3 cheers for Gemma!:thumb: ) & Rhys kept on running back. Neway, after all of that, Rhys starts going out with Michelle, the 1 who owns my heart:boohoo: , & I'm really worried about her coz' she has a habit of picking shitty boyfriends, & u can't get much shittier than Rhys, + she always gets really depressed after the messy break-up I was sure would follow.

Now, about 1 yr & 1 month since they started going out, they r still 2gether, despite the MAJOR fights they keep having, coz' she keeps on crawling back 2 him. It makes me feel sick quite honestly, 2 c the way he treats her & the way she keeps taking it. 4 times she's sworn she's going 2 end it, but no... it still ain't happening & she's becoming more & more depressed every day, & I love her more & more every day...

The main problem is, whilst Rhys is completely crap as a boyfriend, he is 1 of my best mates, so now I'm torn between him & Michelle. What do I do? Do I b a friend 2 Michelle & tell her 2 dump him? I mean, I haven't exactly got an impartial view on this whole thing. Or do I keep quiet & not do nething, & watch as Rhys treats her worse & worse each day? Or do I tell her how I feel, risking f*@king everything up between me & Michelle, or even me & Rhys? Bloody teenage melodrama, it don't get ne better.

Neway, along with my love-life problems (huh... wot love-life?), I'm doing really shit at school. It's not as if I'm not smart enough, it's the fact that I'm a lazy c?£t. If I actually applied myself, I could kick the crap out of everybody else in the exams, but it's not that easy. I don't know wot I want 2 do in life or at Uni, & I haven't got much time left 2 decide...

Ah sod it, I can't think of nething else 2 write, but I'll b back... after some sleep maybe:sleepy:

Cya all l8r...

10-25-2001, 03:43 AM
i don't know. give up or grow up? throw up or harden up? maybe...i'll just shut up :D

10-25-2001, 04:23 AM
wow... I just read wot I wrote... wot a load of crap! :laugh: Ah well, as I said
Teen angst... who needs it?

oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear

Shattered Chest
10-25-2001, 08:31 PM
25. Lokakuuta, 2001. I have the anthrax for sure. I've been hallucinating about Wyllius, which is not good. I want to be independent, but that Wyllius character has me under HIS spell.

10-25-2001, 10:18 PM
Okay, I had awesome offline day as we went swimming and all that, but online sux0red. PM from Cerrers that she's still alive was one the bright spots of onlineness. =)

As tonight sux0rs, I'll go to my bed/floor thing now, and it's relatively early to me (About midnight). And the fact that I'll have to sleep on the floor doesn't even amuse me anymore. It starts pissing me off. Today I've been cranky anyways.


P.S. I was half sleep when I wrote this, and it probably shows. I barely could keep my eyes open.

10-26-2001, 03:30 AM
hurrah! drainpipe trouser tastic! i just got a scholarship to study at university! and i didn't even have to do anything! *is stunned* yeah...they'll pay for my whole degree if i get good enough grades...now what am i going to do...i'll have no mountainous debt chaining me to bankruptcy (spelt wrong) ...egad! i have a future now! *is scared*

yay yay yay! :D

Tragic Rain
10-26-2001, 04:34 AM
I'm lonely. none of my old friends ever get online anymore. The internet just doesn't 'do it' for me anymore. i get on and check my mail and check the posts here, but that's it. id like to have a person to talk to on AIM........my AIMname is tragicrain69...

10-26-2001, 05:23 AM
<font color=#CC33FF>Today wasn't so great after all. I have such a sore throat that I know I'm going to get the cold. Darn it. I'm gonna be moaning and groaning for at least a week to everyone. And if Scott rings in the weekened, I'm gonna be sounding horrible.

I know I promised myself that I won't ever get into a net relationship but really this promise doesn't want to last. I guess I wouldn't mind being in one but more of that I just want a close friend. I had one online but I hardly ever get to see him anymore and it's frustrating cos he always cheered me up and knew all the right answers. But some people just think I like this guy and I know that I don't in that way but then sometimes I wish I did....I guess I'm just confused at the moment. I really wish my close friend and I could talk more often.

10-26-2001, 11:27 AM
<font color=#FFCCFF>Today was bad. I haven't been getting as much sleep as I should, and I felt terrible today. :( The only good thing that's happened lately is that I found out I'm getting an award at prizegiving on Thursday. I'm coming 2nd in one of my subjects, but I'm not exactly sure which one.

<font size=1>
Have you ever felt like your only comfort was your cage
You're not alone, I've felt the same as you.
Have you ever felt like your secrets give you away
You're not alone, I've been there too.
Everyone is looking, and everyone is laughing.
But I think everyone feels the same.
Everybody wants to feel ok, everybody wants to.
Everybody wants to feel.

<font size=2>I'm crying now. For real.

10-26-2001, 11:47 PM
*pastes from LJ*

[ mood | Many ]
[ music | Voices. ]

<i>"Bare your fangs, master Ghostie..."</i>

Hello Journal thing and everyone else.

w00t, it's friday and I feel good, yet tired. It's around 1:30am right now. <i>Long</i> week is behind me. I had many from 9am to 5pm days.-_-

I spoke with Lilly on 5th time in a row now, and now we talked about 20 minutes. I would've loved to talk with her longer, but it's getting kinda expesive talking long distance phonecalls everyday.:p Today it was just so emotional 'cose she cried because of something for about 10 minutes and we laughed a lot too. Yeah, lots of feelings fits in 20 minutes. When she started crying...well, I can't describe that feeling I had as she cried and tried to talk to me at the same time and all. I just have never wanted to hug anyone more before than I wanted to hug her.

Hmm..I'm too tired to write anything more right now. Even typing takes lot of effort when tired. -_-

Try to bear with another tired entry by same tired Mik again. *goes to..*sigh*, I just can't call *that* thing a bed.


10-27-2001, 01:04 AM
I've revived my opendiary account... link in my sig. I'll be cutting and pasting from there from now on.

I wrote two entries today, so, I'll post 'em both.

Friday, October 26, 2001

Weekends rawk. xD (11am or so)
I totally lucked out and had no classes today! This week Thursday and Friday, as well as the weekend, is the WMEA (Wisconsin Music Educators Association) state conference... most all my music teachers, and many of my peers, are attending. So, many classes cancelled... yesterday I only had one class, today I had none! =D

To make it even better, in a couple hours my roommate's leaving, and she'll not be back 'til late, if at all (she may go to her parents' home for the weekend)... so, I get the room to myself! I enjoy my time alone. Relaxing is a good thing!

I'm looking forward to a weekend of hanging with Laura and Joel (since those morons Dan and Mike are going home, hmph), and killing time posting and chatting with my numerous online friends.

I'm slightly bored right now... taking a break from playing FFVI, heh, I thought to check my e-mail, but as always I have none. I'm so unloved. =P I'll probably go spam up the various fora I'm registered with. Heh, I complain about belonging to too many to keep up with, yet I joined still another today, Bastardly Productions. It looks like an entertaining place.

Hm, what else can I ramble about? Eh, I don't know, so, I'll just stop for now.

Grr. (6:45pm or so)
I'm really cranky all of a sudden. Maybe it's because the caffeinated goodness from my cappuchino wore off. I don't know. For whatever reason, people are annoying me. It's easy enough to stay in my room apart from people, seeing as most all my friends have either gone home for the weekend, or are out doing stuff. Online, the people I'd like to talk to aren't around, and the people who are talking to me are annoying me... no fault of theirs, I'm just not in a very sociable mood.

That and I'm bored. I have this time to myself tonight and I don't want to be by myself yet again, dammit! Even when I'm hanging with my friends (on- or offline), I feel so freakin' isolated.

People just don't understand me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those "ooh, I'm so different and mysterious, you'll never understand me" type people. It's true, though. People don't understand me, only a small amount have even put forth any effort to try. It hurts when I have something I'd like to discuss with a friend, and I know aforementioned friend just wouldn't get it, or would be weirded out, or somesuch thing.

Times like this, I just wish I could go away and not come back, just leave everyone and everything I know and start completely over again. It'd be the third time I've started over. Heh. Am I just not able to be happy? I make peace with and begin getting along with my family, I make friends, I fall in love, and then I systematically start to drive all those special people in my life away from me. Why the hell do I always do that? Is it fear? Anger? I'm I more masochistic than I thought, and just feel like hurting myself by depriving myself of companionship and happiness? I don't have the slightest idea, but it's got to stop. I just need someone to be here with me, here for me, but the few who I could trust enough for that task aren't around, and probably won't be. Ah, well. Es la vida.

I'll stop now.

10-27-2001, 03:57 AM
[Mood: Bored :sleepy:]
[Music: Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) by Green Day]

Wow, what a dull day... It's been half-term & I've spent it all at home working... I've got to get out! & not just for fags:smoking: or booze

Still tomorrow nite I'm off 2 a gig, it should b good

10-27-2001, 12:47 PM
<font color=748FE4 size=2>Live journal went down today. And I <b>need</b> to write about this. It's a bit embarrassing but who cares. I'll paste it in my <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/eriko">lj</a> when it comes back up.

I was always told to let this year pass without any worries and without exhausting myself. But ... it will not "pass" this way because I'm not passing in school. I know next year is the "actual" important one but ... this year is just as important.

The reason I'm reminding myself of that is because I got my report card today. I failed Geology by alot, but I can work on that because it's different with Geology and this isn't the "actual" final grade. I *almost* failed Biology but I didn't. *Phew*. But I need to work on it more. The rest isn't really a big problem. The only grade I'm *actually* proud of is the one I got for Religion Studies. It wasn't a full grade but I worked hard on it. I got a 100% in English but I don't even study!

Teacher-parent meeting is on Monday. I told my mum she'd be hearing things she doesn't want to hear. But she say's she just wants to face it. ><;

I probably knew something like this would happen sooner or later.

I think something's bugging Faith. Last year, it was like, I'm always the one looking angry, annoyed, sad or depressed. And she was always the one telling me to "smile" and "let it go" and asking me what's wrong and sticking by whenever I'd activate the tear machine. I just wish I could help her with what's bothering her. She say's she's fine ... but that's what I used to say last year. This year, the "real" me partly came back. The one who talks alot. xD I think I'll ring Faith today and just keep her company.

Okay, here's something weird that's happened today. I "never" do things like this.
Mother-tongue teacher after looking at my literature preperation: Where's the rest of your work?
Me: The lesson is pretty short.
Teacher: When we start working on it, you'll see how long it really is.
Me: Yeah. When we work on it ourselves we don't understand "everything".
Teacher: Oh, you don't, do you?
(or something like that)
Me: What's the use of coming here then?

Bea started laughing the minute the teacher went away. This is so ... I've never talked like that with a teacher before. It was always panic, distress and excessive sweating. xDD

CasCas was absent today. I hope she's okay. She was supposed to either ring or send a texty on Thursday but I got none. *worries*

I'm giving away my computer. I don't want it anymore ... I'll probably hook the laptop up but I don't want to use it as much. I really want to concentrate on schoolwork for now. I hope it happens ... I already uninstalled alot of stuff (including MSN and YM ;_;). And I'm going to write what's left on the 'puter on CDs. Then uninstall AIM and ICQ. And *gasp* Adobe Photoshop 6.

I barely selpt last night. So tired. _-_;

10-28-2001, 01:52 AM
[Mood: Bored:sleepy:]
[Music: Ultimate Jedi Death Move by Jecano]

God! Holidays are so bloody boring! I need to get a job, but I'm too lazy to work... Oh well, back at school in 3 days; at least then I'll have something to do

I went to the gig I mentioned before- It sucked! Jecano didn't play their best song, Ultimate Jedi Death Move, so I'm listening to it now. It's so funky!

Maybe I should think of finishing off my Pure 2 Coursework? Gotta do something apart from smoke copious amounts of weed and play computer games...

Why am I even writing this down? Ah sod it... might as well...

Tragic Rain
10-29-2001, 01:45 AM
I took the ACT yesterday. Then Michael and I went to the Renissance Fair, which was ok i guess. then...*tryst to 'member* we went to burger king, then BACK to the fair to see my aunt bellydance. Then we went to the mall and slowly walked through the porn section of spencers trying to look like goofs.....god it was fun.

10-29-2001, 05:20 PM
Today October 29, 2001: Went to school. School was shut down early because of something with the food. The principal sounded really upset, so most guesses was that it has to do with Antrhax.

10-30-2001, 03:13 AM

I know I should say something about how I feel at the end of the marching band season, or that my first quarter of high school has ended so soon, but I'm not going to. I've been thinking and worrying too much, so I gave myself the best antidote, work. With forensics and science olympiad, and concert band, plus a little chatting, and a little FF, I can keep my mind free. However, now I don't seem to sleep nearly enough *yawn*.

10-30-2001, 08:41 AM
Originally posted by Beowulf
Today October 29, 2001: Went to school. School was shut down early because of something with the food. The principal sounded really upset, so most guesses was that it has to do with Antrhax.

*huggles her lil bro* You got the day off due to Baking power. Yup. :D I called my inside sources to find out waht the flip happened at your school and here's the deal.. they found a mysterious white powder in the truck that delivers milk *yum yum* to school.. they wigged out and closed school, just to find out it was harmless baking powder. I suposse you can't be too careful but honestly.. *dies*

As for me.. meh! I've been gloomy, and I think it somewhat shows. The majority of the people I used to talk to online have been leaving recently. I really only talk to Mikkerz and Rafael lately. It's 3:26am now.. forgive me if I sound as if I'm truly bored.. because in all honesty.. I am.

I'm really bored here, and I pretty much can't wait to go home. I mean, I love Jon and I love being with him. I just don't like it here. I miss my friends and my siblings.. *ack! I admitted that!!* and I'm just bored here I guess. One of Jon's roommate's is a complete arse. I can't stand him for the life of me. Like at first I guess he was attempting to be polite to me, even tho he really didn't want me here and didn't like me *before he ever met me*, but he just kinda stopped. He doesn't have resect for anyone, and he's flat out rude. Those of you who I've talked to recently or have read my lj know why. grrr...

I'm also looking a bit forward to December.. yeah I know.. wtf Danni? November isn't even here yet. Well, a lot of things are supossed to happen in Dec. Like, GOOD things. People have promised me we'd see each other and i'm extremely excited. As much as I want to see everyone a ton, there are two I'm practically daydreaming about seeing. *don't go getting any ideas dammit! I see your little minds working;)* I can't wait to finally see Mark again, and talk face to face.. I'm not sure if I feel nervous or excited. maybe it's both.

I made my new signature today because well, I LOVE the nightmare before christmas.. and I was thinking about something.. having to do with stars ... even though there are no stars in my sig. Go figure

Funkmonkey Deluxe
10-30-2001, 11:39 PM
<font face="courier"><font color="red">October 30, 2001
3:23 p.m.
Mood - Excited
Music - "Beautiful Disaster" - 311

I can't wait untill tomorrow.:excited: Actually, I can, but I'd rather not. Every Halloween, my friends and I get together, and we hide in one of my friend's front yards waiting for unexpecting trick-and/or-treaters.:scary:

Something that's been bothering me... I get around 8-10 hours of sleep every night, and yet I have those dark lines under my eyes that come from sleep deprivation.:strung: . Also, when I wake up, I feel like I hardly slept.:sleepy: Also, the dark lines seem to be getting worse.

EDIT: I just found out that my friend ( the one whose house we get together at) is really sick. On the verge of vomiting kind of sick. So, unless he gets better by tomorrow, I'll be sitting at home. This Halloween has been a disaster. My friend and I had to decorate his house at the last minute (I hate putting up fake cobwebs, Frustrating.), We don't have time to carve any pumpkins to put out, it might rain tomorrow, there's going to be less people due to the terrorist threat, and now the whole thing might not even happen! I had to call all the other friends, and tell them that I'd call them tomorrow, to tell them if they can come or not.

10-31-2001, 01:43 AM
October 30 2001

Tomorrow is halloween. It's one of my favorite holidays, but for some reason I can't bring myself to care. I never got a costume or anything, and didn't even bother shopping around or anything I usually enjoy. I'm even going to a friend's party tomorrow. I should be excited, but.....
I guess it's just another year passing me by. Didn't even get anything done I had planned to on one of my rare days that are free.
...Does it even matter?

Okay, I will bore you no longer.

10-31-2001, 02:27 AM
i spent four hours yesterday writing up about five essays. voluntarily. anything so i don't have time to pause. cause if i do, i'll think. and then i'll think about stuff and things. and that is bad. argh! i just thought about it now...sigh. you'd think it would go away. yeah. whatever.

Sakura Yume
11-01-2001, 04:50 AM
Wowzers. I spent 4 hours last night drawing some perfectly pointless things just because I wanted to. I haven't quite finished the 2 I've been working on yet though. :p I should've been doing some of my tonnes of homework probably.

Agent Proto
11-01-2001, 02:43 PM
Dear October Journal Thread,

Say Goodbye.


P.S. Hopefully, someone real remember to make a November Journal Thread. ;)