http://home.eyesonff.com/blog.php/80-Blog-Settings The Eyes on Final Fantasy Forums are the premier place for Final Fantasy fans to meet and discuss this classic video game series. Join our community today. en Fri, 08 May 2026 21:24:13 GMT vBulletin 60 http://home.eyesonff.com/images/images_neoclassic/misc/rss.jpg http://home.eyesonff.com/blog.php/80-Blog-Settings http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/5835-Just-Random-Thoughts-and-Other-Things Tue, 17 Mar 2015 04:21:36 GMT *I think I've been getting much better at having a positive attitude. Aside from mildly ranting about subjects that annoy me here and there, along with letting a video game frustrate me to the point of giving my coffee table a good smack, I've been in a much happier place. Any curve ball that has been thrown my way be it at work or wherever I handled very well.

*I've been sort of flirting with the idea of losing weight by eating better and/or working out. The problem is that when I start to consider it seriously, I think way too much about how I'll be looking better for other people. That's not a very good reason to start. Like all angles of self improvement, you have to do things you do for YOU, and no one else, even if you have good intentions. That's the only way it will be genuine and that's the only way something like that will stick. I lost a lot of weight before in my adult life, but there was a lot of negativity behind that action. I did it because depression got the ball rolling then pure vindictive bitterness pushed me over the top. I can't act like that anymore. It's not good for the soul and it just makes me look foolish. Plus, since I lost weight essentially by SEVERELY limiting what I ate, I was always crabby and irritable at the drop of a hat. Say when my friends and I went out to bowl or something I would get legitimately pissed off if I had a bad game. No one wants to hang out with that asshole. So I guess I am just trying to find that perfect window of making such a commitment with the proper mindset and attitude, as well as losing weight the proper way. I don't even care if I drop to 150lbs again. I just need to do it or else I have a actual shot of dying in a decade or so. But I have to want to improve and I'm going in circles.

*Been reflecting a lot on time, which has caused me to examine random points of my life. The fact that I am remembering stuff from eras of my life in a more positive light shows a decent amount of maturity, I suppose. I caught myself looking back at a time period where I was depressed and was doing nothing with my life, but managed to effortlessly remember the good times. I used to have this skewed view that my childhood was the only good time in my life, and that it would only time in my life that would be good--ever. But what I failed to realize years ago is that it was simply easier to cherry pick the good stuff and ignore the bad. Since I am better at looking at aspects of myself with a more unbiased view, I can think of dozens up dozens of things from around that time that I absolutely hated, and I'm glad that I never have to deal with again. I just fell way to deep into the great parts of that section. I didn't give myself enough credit for what was going right at the time even when things seemed to be going wrong.

*Despite how silly I get, I seldomly get actually serious. It's been that way for the past five or six years or so because I felt that I spent most of my post high school life as some sort of downer. I noticed that I do a good job at making people laugh, so why not do that instead? I guess that's why when I do make the mistake of letting something get to me I come down on myself pretty hard. I think it is extreme fear of sliding into a slump like that. The weird thing is back when I was a far more negative person I was not only a non drinker, but adamantly against it (in terms of consuming alcohol personally). I saw the negative side of alcohol growing up a lot, and I thought that one sip of beer just makes everyone an asshole. Hell, I even take drugs now too. Most of the reason why are for pain and sleep problems I have developed, but the more negative me would have refused prescription stuff out of some weird sense of moral obligation. Again, I didn't care how other people lived their life, but I just couldn't let myself do anything like that. It's very strange for me to think about now.

*Things that used to bother me don't anymore. Maybe that's because I am in a stable relationship. I just paused and took a look at that sentence for a bit. That felt good to type. This Friday I will have been dating the same person for four years. The thing I have observed is that in the past, I would observe something like that in a different light. For the past few months I have basically considered the length of the relationship to be "about four years" because there was no doubt in my mind that it wouldn't end before that actual date passed. I also never knew how casual, yet meaningful relationships could be until this one either. All other relationships had me feeling that I was constantly trying to spin plates on a stick. It was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down. Maybe you could try to glue the pieces back together, or maybe you could move on. But this one? No thoughts like that. The future doesn't feel like some question mark or a tunnel with a linear path. It feels more like a field I can cultivate however I wish.

*I guess that's it for now. Sorry if this is too weird for people to read since I don't really get this way too often. I just had to type all this out because I felt it was important to do so. ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/5835-Just-Random-Thoughts-and-Other-Things http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/5745-sd-mmm-ues Thu, 06 Nov 2014 12:32:58 GMT Start from scratch Patch the uniform and let the galaxy form a comfortable replacement We will not be missed Goodbye to everything Start from scratch
Patch the uniform and let the galaxy form a comfortable replacement
We will not be missed
Goodbye to everything ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/5745-sd-mmm-ues http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/5711-Loss Thu, 04 Sep 2014 00:08:22 GMT One of my parent's cats had to be put to sleep today. He was a male cat named Big Mouth because of how loud and attentive he was. Long story short, my parents had crappy next door neighbors that just up and left three cats behind. One of them was Big Mouth. After taking care of them as strictly outdoor cats for awhile (they weren't sure if they wanted to bring them in with the existing cats they had at the time) they eventually brought them in.

Turns out that Big Mouth got FIV, which is basically HIV for cats, during the period where no one was watching over the three cats my parents eventually took in (no other cat has it). So basically Big Mouth got sicker and sicker the past few months.

Yesterday, my parents were debating on what to do with the cat because while it was very clear he was feeling awful, he was still capable of independent actions and seemed to still want to do his usual things such as greet dad when he got home, chill outside for a bit, etc. Earlier in the day, my mom took Big Mouth to the vet and they said that there wasn't much that could be done at that point. Still, dad understandably wanted to make the final call, since the cat basically attached himself to dad so much, and dad to Big Mouth likewise.

So dad took the day off and spent a good two hours at the vet desperately trying to come up with a solution that would extend Big Mouth's life. Before my parents went to the vet they let Big Mouth out again and he kept doing that thing that cats normally do when they know they don't have long left: try to find somewhere private, lie down, and wait for their passing.

So with that in mind at the vet, all options presented to my dad were high risk ones that probably wouldn't work and only made the last moments of Big Mouth's life a living hell. So that's why after a long debate, dad made the call and let Big Mouth drift off.

I am not sure what hurts more. The rare sight of seeing dad very upset, or knowing one of the kindest, coolest, unique, and intelligent cats my parent's household ever had is now gone, and gone way too early because of bad luck and horribly irresponsible former owners. One of the other cats that was taken in was the son of Big Mouth. They had a strong connection and would literally speak in weird vocal cues to each other that I never seen other cats do before. I can tell Big Mouth's son is wondering where he went off to by looking out a window to see if he's outside or sniffing spots that Big Mouth frequented. I wish there was a way to convey him that Big Mouth is gone. Fortunately, the cat in question does get along with one of the other cats, so it's not like he was will be alone among the other cats. Still a sad sight to see.

So I not feeling very good today. ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/5711-Loss http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/5679-I-ate-a-sandwich-today Tue, 05 Aug 2014 03:09:31 GMT I might have some sort of depression. It's hard to me to use an outlet that isn't self destructive to overcome some things. I have to remind myself that I have the power to change things. The question is if I have the courage to do it, and how my decision making makes other people feel. It's hard for me to do that because my opinion of myself is so low at times I think that I am incapable of hurting (or affecting any kind of strong emotion) other people because I am simply not that important. ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/5679-I-ate-a-sandwich-today http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/3670-we-all-loose-our-grip-on-realty Wed, 25 Jun 2014 12:00:44 GMT EDIT: Holy crap. I was in a bad mood about my father overrating to stuff earlier that day while I was on a sleeping pill. I said some pretty bad things. I went to delete this, but I can't so I rather put up this explanation of what the heck was going on. Things are better now. Well, rather, things were fine to begin with, but an altered state of mind rarely goes good with a bad mood. ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/3670-we-all-loose-our-grip-on-realty http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/3662-Random-Update Thu, 19 Jun 2014 01:08:11 GMT About to go to work. For a change I am feeling a little better about things, even though I am sure I am going to have a rough night tonight. Well, not really rough, but very tasking.

I also saw Edge of Tomorrow. It was the second feature at a Drive In my friends and I go to. I wasn't hating on it before I saw it, but I didn't think much of it. I ended up liking the film a lot. I researched the film a bit and it turns out it was based on a short manga called All You Need Is Kill. So I tracked down the manga and read it online, and I ended up liking that too. Just the concept behind both versions of that story is cool and frightening at the same time. ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/3662-Random-Update http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1749-Sephex-talks-about-bullying-again-because-it-s-late-and-3rd-shift Mon, 17 Mar 2014 05:37:10 GMT I have brought this up before, but I am going in a different direciton with it this time. But to recap my other blog on bullying real quick (I didn't take a look so I am going by memory), I feel that I didn't properly defend myself the occasional time I really got picked on. I had an actual bully once back in elementary school where things went a bit too far a couple of times. I will occasionally look up "bully beatdown" videos to vindicate my feelings on that sometimes, it's okay to "lower yourself to their level" and fight back. Unfortunately, that's the only way some people learn. However, I can't think on this subject too much or if I watch too much of those videos, I find myself way into it and ultimately upset myself.

While this is in no way a sudden realization, I don't think I ever seriously mentioned that I eventually became a bully to another kid.

Alright, so my bully I had happened around 4th grade or so. He was one of the few people who lived in walking distance that went to my school so we were actually friends beforehand. Eventually playful teasing became straight up bullying, so that's when we stopped being friends. He did stupid stuff like tried to obviously steal peoples possessions, so he was also a "bad kid" or whatever. I looked up up on Facebook a couple of years back (he was a friend of another friend I reconnected with at a party so his profile was easy to find). I hate to judge on looks along, but judging by him trying to look as tough as possible in his profile picture, I imagine the dude hasn't changed much in his adult life.

Anyway, a quick recap of the worst incidents between him.

*Half puddle of ice and water during winter one morning recess. Threw me in and possibly tried to drown me (held head in water where my nose and mouth were submerged). Whole school watched and found this very amusing.

*Me and a friend (did not go to my school) in my neighborhood were riding bikes. He was too. Once he spotted me he chased me for literal miles before he caught up to me and wanted to beat me up. I think he said he was going to kill me. We haven't spoken for interacted for over a year at that point. Other friend was encouraging me to stop and confront him, but I scurried away believing his threat to be literal. He almost accomplished his goal because I could have been hit my a car when crossing the street to my house.

*Then just general day to day stuff that included lots of physical abuse for no real reason.

If I ever spotted this guy today I am not sure what I would do. If I was wrong about him based on my assumptions on his Facebook and he asked for forgiveness (plenty of those stories supposedly happen from what I have read). I am not sure I might, even if the guy never intended to do any harm past a punch or two. I am not religious, and I don't believe in forgiving people just because. I think that causes people like him to take advantage of others. Look what happened to me when I CLEARLY tried to avoid conflict with him. I don't want to hear any excuses about us being kids. He knew what he was doing.

On the flipside...

Fast forward to 6th grade. I was still in elementary school (the district I was in was weird and had it go up to sixth as the one and only Jr. High level class...I don't know, either). A new kid came after the first week of classes in a small school of students that literally knew each other for 7-8 years at that point. On his first day he did nothing but talk trash to people and try to establish dominance. It went as well for him as you'd expect.

No one liked this guy. And he couldn't hold his own in a fight. Before I knew it, I found myself getting in fights with him nearly every day. Sometimes for no reason. The difference this time is that I won these fights. Quite easily. I suspect he let me and other classmates beat him up on purpose to gain sympathy. He would dramatically lie in the field after a fight sometimes when all that would happen is someone would slightly push him (it literally looked like a WWE wrestler on his first day). Also, because there was a time when we seriously fought. It was like the Chicken fight from Family Guy. It was very brutal and he didn't go down. Neither did I. We would have probably fought for hours if the teachers didn't intervene.

The point is, no matter what his motivations were or if he was throwing fights for odd reasons is that I became a bully. While other classmates did pick on him, I know for a fact that I was the worst for him. Instead of learning from myself being bullied and showing some sympathy for this kid, I became his worst enemy. The sad part is that I almost did the same thing before this kid came into the picture. Long story short there was another student I started to pick on, but ended up turning things around, manning up, and becoming friends with him. So you would think I would have learned my lesson.

I wouldn't be surprised if the kid I actually bullied hardcore looked up my Facebook as well. Probably felt vindicated that I turned into some sort of fat loser that games too much and makes lame jokes or whatever. Turning things around from earlier, if this guy spotted me or contacted me with some sort of bad attitude, I would probably take it, and completely understand why the guy still disliked me.

I remember when I was in High School, there was this awkward moments were I discovered he went to the same school district as me (I switched districts by then). He didn't have the same class as me, but he talked to the teacher about something. Anyway, he saw me sitting down and looked me for a minute. He looked unsure if it was me, and no words were exchanged. He then casually left and I never saw him again. Another student that happened to go to my school confirmed to me that it was him, so I know I wasn't mistaken. At the time she said that he was still being a jerk to everyone and starting fights he couldn't hope to finish, but they weren't physical anymore. At the time I felt vindicated on my decision to mess with the guy as a kid, but I now obviously feel very different.

As strongly as I feel about myself being picked on and bullying in general, it took far too long to realize that I was a hypocrite in the end, and basically a horrible person. Maybe in a roundabout way I deserved to get messed with. As inferred earlier, I hate the lame excuse, "Oh, you were just kids." Again, we weren't stupid. As I said with my bully, but now it's on me: I knew what I was doing.

*at work with no time to proof read so sorry for any typoz ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1749-Sephex-talks-about-bullying-again-because-it-s-late-and-3rd-shift http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1743-Two-drums-and-a-cymbal-fall-off-a-cliff Mon, 03 Mar 2014 09:42:56 GMT *rimshot* *rimshot* ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1743-Two-drums-and-a-cymbal-fall-off-a-cliff http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1729-Okay-I-m-Good Mon, 10 Feb 2014 13:09:41 GMT Alright, finally feeling a bit better these days. I figure that if you guys have to put up with extremely negative blogs, I should report when I am feeling happier. Since I made a list of bad random thoughts, I'll list some good things now.

*Been playing a table top game with friends I met through my girlfriend. It is an original game created by one of her friends that me and several other people been helping play testing. According to the creator, I am apparently very good at it and I constantly make the group laugh with my antics and bad puns, especially during battle

*Next month I will be with said girlfriend for 3 years. I remember the days when I thought maintaining a relationship for 3 months was a pain. This is not only NOT a pain, but a very awesome thing.

*Been playing through Shining Force II again. Nothing really noteworthy, but that game usually puts me in a good mood.

*Oh, and I have been playing co-op stuff like Sanctum 2 with the same dude who created the table top RPG. It's hard enough to get me to play online with people (even good set ups always feel cumbersome to me). Also been playing Torchlight II with him. I liked that one so much that I ended up making my own separate single player character and blew through the game on my own.

*My sister has been having an awesome time the last few months and I am happy for her. She ended up meeting and dating the speedrunner known as Cosmo. While that's cool in itself, she seems legitimately happy with him, which excites me even more. I didn't know about the dude or how notable he was until after I met him in person, so I got to judge the kid on my own without that sort of thing messing with my perception. Anyway, yeah, he's a cool dude. She also has been working very hard and rising in the ranks of GameStop and got a scholarship so she can go to an actual college and not the local community one (which, while not TERRIBLE, but still...), so that's good.

*Ever since I got my condo last year I feel that when I visit my parent's house I am actually visiting them as an adult and it feels good to interact with them on that kind of level. They always showed me respect even when I was still bumming off of them/they helped with rent for most of my old apartment run. It just feels different now, but in a very good way.

Well, I am just about of break time at work, so I have to close this out. Thanks to everyone who puts up with me when I am in a darker mood and those who try to help me up when I am down. Even if it seems like I am not responsive, trust me, it helps! Later! ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1729-Okay-I-m-Good http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1724-Radom-Thoughts Wed, 05 Feb 2014 17:50:53 GMT *I really need a drink
*If I wasn't at work, I would have let some sort of emotional collapse happen
*Not looking forward to driving home in the snow
*I have reached the point where I feel screaming to release negative emotion is pointless
*Days like this make me question if I have even made any positive progress over the years
*I know it's uncool to admit these type of things on the internet, but whatever, make fun of me. Anything you say or think can't even come close to my ability to self loathe
*Almost spun out on the way to work this morning. Was worried about insurance repercussions instead of life threatening ones. I always think that way
*Speaking of snow stuff, I am just sick of it in general. I remember last season people were whining that "we don't get good old fashioned Chicago winters" anymore. Well, here it is. You idiots happy now?
*I assume the worst in almost every situation I am in. I am not sure if that's a defense mechanism or if I mistrust people that much
*I probably just had too much coffee again
*Maybe I just go in cycles, and there is nothing to be done about all this. I feel positive than I do negative. The problem is when I feel negative, I dip down pretty deep
*I had a nightmare I was at my parent's house and someone broke in. I beat the man to death and got thrown in jail
*There are a couple of people I know that I wish to outlive so I can periodically spit on their graves
*Which leads me to believe how many times it will happen to my grave
*Which leads me to wonder if I will even have a grave since I am fairly certain I will die alone
*Which leads me to think if I can think of a more cliched depressing thought
*A lot of people don't realize that when I get depressed, it's like riding out a storm. You just have to let it pass. I hate it when people take my feelings personally. I get and appreciate the concern, but unless you see me physically harming myself, which isn't happening right now, then calm down and let me do my thing
*Maybe I just need sleep ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1724-Radom-Thoughts http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1719-TIL-This-Forum-Really-Hates-Male-Circumcision Fri, 31 Jan 2014 21:26:04 GMT I was going to post dick pics today, but not anymore. Also, I have called the police about my circumcision and they are on the way to my parent's house to have them arrested. ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1719-TIL-This-Forum-Really-Hates-Male-Circumcision http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1600-I-should-relax Mon, 25 Nov 2013 23:25:33 GMT It's not really a good thing that I have an absurd amount of anger. I wasn't really like this in the past. I've been blowing up at stuff that really isn't a big deal. Today I was just....angry. Nothing happened at work. Nothing bad happened elsewhere. In fact, I am just chilling right now and about to play the new Zelda game again.

Anyway, I ended up watching a bunch of "bully gets beat" videos to make myself feel better/vent anger somewhere. I don't necessarily dwell on this subject too often, but when I do, I become pretty unreasonable.

Like, if I could mentally go through time, I would get in fight after fight with people who I have felt wronged me. It wouldn't even be about winning a fight or revenge. Just something to be done because I feel that I let myself down by not standing up for myself. Yeah, sorry, I have firsthand evidence that backing down and "taking the high road" does NOTHING to deter people that want to mess with you.

The other week, I felt that my boss threw me and another coworker under the bus about an issue at work. No one got in trouble because his reasoning was flawed, but it angered me. I held my composure for the rest of the day. Then when I got in my car, I ended up screaming very dark things or unintelligibly. I actually totally destroyed my voice for a day or so. It ended up sounding like I caught a nasty cold.

The reason I bring this up is because I did the same thing today in my car on my way to my parent's house (I go visit on some Mondays). I didn't scream as long, loud, and my voice is fine...but I just feel so pent up. I am just so angry, and I don't know why. ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1600-I-should-relax http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1559-Man Sat, 19 Oct 2013 15:50:35 GMT Lately I've been letting stressful situations bring me down to a point where I just say very hateful things/look like a jackass. I was getting really good at letting things slide, or at least expressing myself in a more mature manner, but no, I got thrown under the bus at my work, so I guess everyone else has to suffer. I would worry about people disliking me, but I am not sure anyone could hate me more than I do.

Yeah, I'm done. ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1559-Man http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1526-Too-much-Coffee-and-or-legitimate-stress Tue, 03 Sep 2013 16:10:13 GMT Changes at work once again. None of them threaten my job or anything, but they are still stressful. Also, a coworker of mine died outside the job last Wednesday night, and no one knows for sure what exactly happened. The two most major rumors are both pretty grim. Work stress is one thing, but... Changes at work once again. None of them threaten my job or anything, but they are still stressful. Also, a coworker of mine died outside the job last Wednesday night, and no one knows for sure what exactly happened. The two most major rumors are both pretty grim.

Work stress is one thing, but it's tough looking over at the station where the now deceased coworker was and seeing someone else there. I keep on expecting to see him walk in work, explaining that there was some sort of misunderstanding, but I know that isn't going to happen.

Also, trying to resist the urge lately to drink because of stress. None of this is helping. ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1526-Too-much-Coffee-and-or-legitimate-stress http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1516-I-Dun-Goofed! Wed, 28 Aug 2013 12:05:24 GMT Alright, so over the weekend I came on here and was very drunk. However, I was ANGRY drunk. This was due to not necessarily drinking too much, but having more of an intake of alcohol AT ONCE that I normally am I used to. I basically was very cynical and negative in a few threads, and in chat, I... Alright, so over the weekend I came on here and was very drunk. However, I was ANGRY drunk. This was due to not necessarily drinking too much, but having more of an intake of alcohol AT ONCE that I normally am I used to.

I basically was very cynical and negative in a few threads, and in chat, I was downright unreasonable and picking fights/refusing to listen to any reason. Someone could have gave me ten grand or something and I would have found a problem with it and snapped on someone.

However, I am not going to avoid any responsibility by saying, "Sorry bros, I was drunk." The trick is, if you decide to drink, is that I feel it is the drinker's obligation to not let it get that far. Oh sure, get drunk, but the second you are being a negative ball of hate, sadness, or any other emotion that starts ruining the time of anyone else, drunk or sober, then you messed up.

I took minor things said viewed them as being way too personal. Granted, I been under a lot of stress because of work, but that's not a justifiable reason to go off on others. My father used to come home and take things out on me and my mother when I was younger. Granted, he never hit, or even truly screamed at us, but just the bad vibes and then unwritten "avoid dad for and hour or two so he can function like a normal human being" rule made me realize that those kind of actions are not the way I wish to handle stress. Well, I sure as hell messed up on Friday night.

So this blog is an apology to those who might have been hurt, annoyed, or even slightly irritated by anything I did. I am pretty sure most people just ignored it and chalked it up to be being very obviously drunk, but as I implied earlier, I hold myself to higher standards.

I like to have a good time here, and I consider many of you more than just "online friends." I don't want to ruin anything like that just because I been having a bad time outside the internet and I end up acting like a jerk hole.

(written at work very fast so there is probably a typo or two) ]]> Sephex http://home.eyesonff.com/entry.php/1516-I-Dun-Goofed!