krissy

Back in town to help the sister move, smurfing empire shows up on our doorstep after this one dick-ass soldier with a Napoleon complex smurfing tries to arrest me for drawing some smurfing fish. We down all those mothersmurfers, bang, bang, bang. If there's one thing I learned in studying Nature in smurfing university it's that once you got bullets in your skull-piece you ain't getting back up and dancin' the Imperial smurf-sucking jigs no more. Napoleon decides to pollinate the countryside with some friggin weed i dunno what. I think I'll be spillin my seed to her later on in the game if you get what I mean mothersmurfer.

So after killing some mothersmurfers in cold blood we go to town and check out that mill, yeah boyee, that mill makes some great gorram wheat for smurfing bread. Napoleon with two smurfing ponytails smiles and walks off, NOT LIKE WE JUST KILLED HUMAN SMURFING BEINGS, but hey, how's packing coming along sis? Oh look Napoleon brought me bread from the mill to apologize for ILLEGALLY DETAINING A CITIZEN. Yeah smurfstick bread's definitely gonna make up for it. Yeah lemme just walk you out and then we'll bang. Wait, wtf, you want to talk to me? Well I'm sorry lady I ain't that kind of man, ain't joining your army either, gonna become a teacher and bang me some young girls as a professor. Yeah I'll make 'em shake just like the ground is shaking now due to the missiles.

Aw shiz no there goes the windmill. No stale bread anymore, huh Napoleon!? Smurfing bread-baking plebian bakery girl. I guess I'm pretty pissed off at these empire wankers for blowing up the windmill so I'm gonna help you fight Napoleon, but just this smurfing once you yeast infection. Oh great lovely there's a tank now. How about we just cram some of that hard bread you baked into it's tank-penis, huh Napoleon? It'll just explode like in the smurfing cartoons. AND THEN WE CAN LAUGH ABOUT MURDER.

SMURF I CAN'T STAY BEHIND COVER WHEN THERE ISN'T ANY YOU SMURFER NAPOLEON WHAT USELESS ADVICE

I'm not sure I'll be able to keep this war journal if I plan to enjoy my time here in Valkyria. Smurf. Tell my wife and kids even their bread was better than Napoleon's hate-filled bread.