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Valkyria Chronicles Journal 1

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Back in town to help the sister move, smurfing empire shows up on our doorstep after this one dick-ass soldier with a Napoleon complex smurfing tries to arrest me for drawing some smurfing fish. We down all those mothersmurfers, bang, bang, bang. If there's one thing I learned in studying Nature in smurfing university it's that once you got bullets in your skull-piece you ain't getting back up and dancin' the Imperial smurf-sucking jigs no more. Napoleon decides to pollinate the countryside with some friggin weed i dunno what. I think I'll be spillin my seed to her later on in the game if you get what I mean mothersmurfer.

So after killing some mothersmurfers in cold blood we go to town and check out that mill, yeah boyee, that mill makes some great gorram wheat for smurfing bread. Napoleon with two smurfing ponytails smiles and walks off, NOT LIKE WE JUST KILLED HUMAN SMURFING BEINGS, but hey, how's packing coming along sis? Oh look Napoleon brought me bread from the mill to apologize for ILLEGALLY DETAINING A CITIZEN. Yeah smurfstick bread's definitely gonna make up for it. Yeah lemme just walk you out and then we'll bang. Wait, wtf, you want to talk to me? Well I'm sorry lady I ain't that kind of man, ain't joining your army either, gonna become a teacher and bang me some young girls as a professor. Yeah I'll make 'em shake just like the ground is shaking now due to the missiles.

Aw shiz no there goes the windmill. No stale bread anymore, huh Napoleon!? Smurfing bread-baking plebian bakery girl. I guess I'm pretty pissed off at these empire wankers for blowing up the windmill so I'm gonna help you fight Napoleon, but just this smurfing once you yeast infection. Oh great lovely there's a tank now. How about we just cram some of that hard bread you baked into it's tank-penis, huh Napoleon? It'll just explode like in the smurfing cartoons. AND THEN WE CAN LAUGH ABOUT MURDER.


I'm not sure I'll be able to keep this war journal if I plan to enjoy my time here in Valkyria. Smurf. Tell my wife and kids even their bread was better than Napoleon's hate-filled bread.
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  1. Goldenboko's Avatar
    I love this game. You'll love this game. Everyone should love this game.
  2. Futan's Avatar
    Boko speaks the truth. I kind of regret never playing 2 but they should've put it on a real console.
  3. Goldenboko's Avatar
    Playing through it now. It's OK. Not as good as the first.
  4. Bolivar's Avatar
    I almost feel bad for laughing at this perversion of a wonderful game, but yeah, I'm interested in reading this series now.

    Please don't let the system hold you back from playing the awesomeness that is VC2. The game is good in some ways because of the PSP, not in spite of it. The only drawback was that the battlefields had to be smaller, but each battle involves multiple maps which teams can travel between, so in a way it's even more tactical. The story is just as epic and they do a better job fleshing out all the characters in the game. When it finally ended I thought it might just be even better the the first.
  5. krissy's Avatar
    i can't make fun of this game anymore

    the main's are just too kind hearted

    and i'm pretty much having fun. i also like that vyse and aika are in it as recruits lol. way to go sega.

    i just feel like they're being really lighthearted about war but i mean it's a fantasy video game. i dunno what i'm thinking. but flying pig? come onnnn not everyting needs anime rules in it
  6. Edge7's Avatar
    I love this blog post. Everything about it.