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A lot of things are getting to me lately, and in some cases a little more than I care to admit publically. Some things are making me paranoid, and almost everything is making me stressed out. I suppose I'll make a vague attempt at listing them off and going through each thing one by one. This is a venting, people. I don't need help or anything, I just like the weird little idea in my head that someone out there is aware of my thoughts.

Firstly, my job might be gone in October. Our company didn't win the contract and that means I go through the TUPE (Transfer Under Protection of Employment - basically all people on our account transfer to AGT, who won the contract) process. That could lead to me being made redundant by the new company, or it could lead to Computacenter - my current employers - offering me another role. I'm hoping AGT will give me a role, though. If neither company keep me on, then, well... bugger. I'll probably end up having to finally look for a better job. Heh. The timing? Oh, it's due to happen in October. Two weeks after the wedding. I should know what's happening well before then.

The wedding is a source of stress, too. Cancellations are understandable but it makes me quickly realise how few genuinely close friends I have (EDIT: to fill in the seats of those close friends that can't make it), and that's a bit of a downer. I mean, I have a lot of people I'd call friend, absolutely. We're probably still going to have a full house. I know peopl who are asking to go, almost daily (often in jest, but hey). Still... I really will miss certain people who can't make it, be they friends or family. I'm sure I'll enjoy my entire day, but right now I'm just at the stage where I'm praying that my closer friends will simply show up.

Friends are a source of stress in an odd way that I'm not sure how to explain. I mean, I think it's just that I don't like to mix work friends and my personal life. I go out drinking and have a laugh with my workmates, they know that I help manage some site, they know of things relating to it, they know about Danielle obviously and they're coming to the wedding, but I don't talk to them about anything I would consider private. And then it dawns on me - who do I talk to about that stuff these days aside from Danielle? I need more friends who I can speak to about anything.

I did, however, manage a good long chat with Nicky last night, which was awesome. I'm super-tired as I was shattered from a hard day's work and I stayed up 'til after midnight talking, and now I'm back at work again... but it was worth it. A good laugh. I wish I could do this with someone local, on a more regular basis. Not someone from work. I dunno. I used to talk to Nicky, Dan, Sarah and then of course there was Sus back in the day. I have Danielle now, but I want someone who isn't in a relationship with me that I can talk to. It's kind of silly, I guess. I don't know.

I guess this goes back to something I said at the end of the first paragraph - I just like the idea that there is someone out there that really wants to listen. Someone I can trust, and someone that I see as a good friend. There are loads of people that I know I can trust and that I see as good friends, but I'm not sure how many would be eager to listen to my trout. I mean, look at this thing so far. I can get like this rather a lot sometimes.

What else? Money, I suppose, was an issue until last night, since it was basically confirmed to me that I couldn't afford to bring Nicky over myself and even with my help it wouldn't work out if we combined our financial muscles. In the rather obvious way, I'm sad about it. In another way, though, I'm happy - it means that she can put her money towards more important things in her life, and that's a good thing. I can also ease my own financial strife and focus on helping out the friends I have coming over in July and September, take them all out for a nice dinner, stuff like that. I may be a tight bastard and (as Nicky always said when I was a teen) a massive capitalist... but let it not be said that I'm lacking in generosity towards those that mean most to me. I mentioned somewhere that places don't make me happy - people do. I stand by that. Nothing makes me happier in this world than being amongst friends I love. Not that I'll tell them I love them. That'd be weird.

Oh, and the transfer of the contract (work again) means I lost my paid-for course by my current company. It was in the approval stages and they rejected it (which they are within their rights to do, sadly) the second they found out the contract was lost and I might not be working for them much longer. Heh.

The flat is falling apart, as some of you know. I look forward to repairing our living room carpet and getting the wallpaper, bathroom and kitchen all redone (perhaps redoing the kitchen from completely scratch, too). Money money money. Not sure what'll come first, that or the honeymoon... we'll figure something out.

Sleep has been horrible lately. I keep waking up at around 5am and I don't know why. I'm blaming the daylight hours of Scotland during the summer for now, but I think it's probably also a result of all the other stress. NOT HELPING.

Sometimes crappy things are happening to people I care about, too, and I want to help but I don't know how. But that's just the way things go sometimes, I guess.

Looking forward to the good things, though. I've saved up enough to pay for my half of the wedding, now I'm helping Danielle with her half. It's going to feel amazing when everything has been paid for and we know when we are done with the wedding that we won't still be paying it off later on. It also means I can spend a little more freely on the greatest podcast crew in the world when they get here in July. Gotta take the good things where I can.

I'm sure I'll feel better in a few days, maybe when I've had some better sleep and a bit more veg in my diet and so forth.
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Comments

  1. Pheesh's Avatar
    ...*hugs*

    Don't worry, this isn't gay if we thump each other on the back mid hug. Just go with it.
  2. Loony BoB's Avatar
    It's okay, I've played gay chicken, hugs don't even count. It's when I start slowly rubbing my hand over the other guy's hand that they tend to back off suddenly.
  3. Huckleberry Quin's Avatar
    I played gay chicken once and ended up with cum in my hair.

    Risky game.
  4. Loony BoB's Avatar
    You need to know when to back out, Quin.
  5. Jinx's Avatar
    Maybe that guy needed to know when to pull out.
  6. Pumpkin's Avatar
    I'm sorry you're so stressed BoB. I hope things improve. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me, although I'm sure there's a good list of people ahead of me with which you might want to do that. But the offer is always on the table. I hope things look up for you soon.
  7. Dat Matt's Avatar
    I feel for you man. I know some of the issues you're facing personally, and while the situation I have isn't entirely the same, it's good to know someone out there has the same sort of feeling.

    I am in a similar situation at work. I am cover until August and I am unsure that I will be kept on. From my understanding of the company as it is now, there is no reason to keep me on past the maternity cover. There are no internal vacancies and I'll just be occupying a seat until they realize I'm not needed anymore. That might not be in line with "Corporate Takeover" but it's the same sort of issue. You can either fight to keep the job you are in, or look beyond. Try having a quick job search and send out a CV or two to places. You never know if a better job will come back to you with more money.

    I also understand the "pain" of growing apart from friends. Preface by saying that Shauna is Cool and I don't wanna sleep on the couch forever but since leaving Uni I have barely met up with the people I spent several years seeing daily. We would arrange monthly meetings but they fell through, and now it's once every 3-4 months we'll meet up for lunch. The new friends we have made after moving have either been in a relationship with a older friend that has since ended and is by proxy an asshole; or is just an asshole that I don't wanna see. While seeing Shauna everyday after work is great, there is a part of me that wishes I lived back in Glasgow.

    While it may seem like I am comparing my own situation to your own, maybe you can take solace in the fact that you aren't alone in your problems. Maybe invest in some blackout curtains for the bedroom.
  8. Shorty's Avatar
    After the wedding, everything will seem so much less stressful. You can get there and it will be okay.
  9. Loony BoB's Avatar
    Yeah, I'm sure things will get better soon enough, before the wedding too. July should be a nice month, I have friends over and a week off and that generally helps. Beyond that, most things will be organised at that point. Also, you and Rantz staying as long as you are had made me feel loads better, so a big thanks to the both of you for that.