BoB's Blog

A lot of things are getting to me lately, and in some cases a little more than I care to admit publically. Some things are making me paranoid, and almost everything is making me stressed out. I suppose I'll make a vague attempt at listing them off and going through each thing one by one. This is a venting, people. I don't need help or anything, I just like the weird little idea in my head that someone out there is aware of my thoughts.

Firstly, my job might be gone in October. Our company didn't win the contract and that means I go through the TUPE (Transfer Under Protection of Employment - basically all people on our account transfer to AGT, who won the contract) process. That could lead to me being made redundant by the new company, or it could lead to Computacenter - my current employers - offering me another role. I'm hoping AGT will give me a role, though. If neither company keep me on, then, well... bugger. I'll probably end up having to finally look for a better job. Heh. The timing? Oh, it's due to happen in October. Two weeks after the wedding. I should know what's happening well before then.

The wedding is a source of stress, too. Cancellations are understandable but it makes me quickly realise how few genuinely close friends I have (EDIT: to fill in the seats of those close friends that can't make it), and that's a bit of a downer. I mean, I have a lot of people I'd call friend, absolutely. We're probably still going to have a full house. I know peopl who are asking to go, almost daily (often in jest, but hey). Still... I really will miss certain people who can't make it, be they friends or family. I'm sure I'll enjoy my entire day, but right now I'm just at the stage where I'm praying that my closer friends will simply show up.

Friends are a source of stress in an odd way that I'm not sure how to explain. I mean, I think it's just that I don't like to mix work friends and my personal life. I go out drinking and have a laugh with my workmates, they know that I help manage some site, they know of things relating to it, they know about Danielle obviously and they're coming to the wedding, but I don't talk to them about anything I would consider private. And then it dawns on me - who do I talk to about that stuff these days aside from Danielle? I need more friends who I can speak to about anything.

I did, however, manage a good long chat with Nicky last night, which was awesome. I'm super-tired as I was shattered from a hard day's work and I stayed up 'til after midnight talking, and now I'm back at work again... but it was worth it. A good laugh. I wish I could do this with someone local, on a more regular basis. Not someone from work. I dunno. I used to talk to Nicky, Dan, Sarah and then of course there was Sus back in the day. I have Danielle now, but I want someone who isn't in a relationship with me that I can talk to. It's kind of silly, I guess. I don't know.

I guess this goes back to something I said at the end of the first paragraph - I just like the idea that there is someone out there that really wants to listen. Someone I can trust, and someone that I see as a good friend. There are loads of people that I know I can trust and that I see as good friends, but I'm not sure how many would be eager to listen to my trout. I mean, look at this thing so far. I can get like this rather a lot sometimes.

What else? Money, I suppose, was an issue until last night, since it was basically confirmed to me that I couldn't afford to bring Nicky over myself and even with my help it wouldn't work out if we combined our financial muscles. In the rather obvious way, I'm sad about it. In another way, though, I'm happy - it means that she can put her money towards more important things in her life, and that's a good thing. I can also ease my own financial strife and focus on helping out the friends I have coming over in July and September, take them all out for a nice dinner, stuff like that. I may be a tight bastard and (as Nicky always said when I was a teen) a massive capitalist... but let it not be said that I'm lacking in generosity towards those that mean most to me. I mentioned somewhere that places don't make me happy - people do. I stand by that. Nothing makes me happier in this world than being amongst friends I love. Not that I'll tell them I love them. That'd be weird.

Oh, and the transfer of the contract (work again) means I lost my paid-for course by my current company. It was in the approval stages and they rejected it (which they are within their rights to do, sadly) the second they found out the contract was lost and I might not be working for them much longer. Heh.

The flat is falling apart, as some of you know. I look forward to repairing our living room carpet and getting the wallpaper, bathroom and kitchen all redone (perhaps redoing the kitchen from completely scratch, too). Money money money. Not sure what'll come first, that or the honeymoon... we'll figure something out.

Sleep has been horrible lately. I keep waking up at around 5am and I don't know why. I'm blaming the daylight hours of Scotland during the summer for now, but I think it's probably also a result of all the other stress. NOT HELPING.

Sometimes crappy things are happening to people I care about, too, and I want to help but I don't know how. But that's just the way things go sometimes, I guess.

Looking forward to the good things, though. I've saved up enough to pay for my half of the wedding, now I'm helping Danielle with her half. It's going to feel amazing when everything has been paid for and we know when we are done with the wedding that we won't still be paying it off later on. It also means I can spend a little more freely on the greatest podcast crew in the world when they get here in July. Gotta take the good things where I can.

I'm sure I'll feel better in a few days, maybe when I've had some better sleep and a bit more veg in my diet and so forth.