View RSS Feed

Blog Settings

Therapy Again?

Rate this Entry
5 Comments
by
Sephex
, 06-20-2013 at 03:13 PM (1160 Views)
Been awhile since I shared something embarrassingly personal with the internet, so if you aren't into that sort of thing, feel free to keep on scrolling.

A few years ago, I went to go see a therapist (the kind you just talk to--no drugs) because I realized that I had a lot of pent up issues. I was in my mid/latish 20s at the time, and I was letting a lot of personal baggage weigh me down.

Long story short, I saw the therapist for a year and a half or so and I felt that I made some pretty great strides in getting over some key issues of mine.

Recently, the way I been acting has caused me to wonder if I should see someone again.

The first incident occurred when I was hanging out with a couple of friends. We were all just bull*****ing and drinking as usual when the subject changed to me talking about work. Before I knew it, I was screaming about a grievance I had with how my boss handles certain situations. I could tell I was making my friends very uncomfortable, so I set myself right again...or so I thought.

Later we got on the subject of friends getting older and growing apart. I suddenly teared up and explained to my two friends that I really miss the times when me and ANOTHER friend used to play SNES when we were in Jr. High. Again, it was a surge of sudden emotion that came out of nowhere. At the time, I chalked up the outbursts to a stressful work week and drinking.

Fast forward to last Sunday. I was driving my girlfriend home and we were in a minor spat. While resolved our issue, the subject changed to issues I had with my parents. I am talking about stuff that happened many years ago, and I even called both of them out on said issue before and thoroughly discussed my problem with them to their face.

Regardless, I suddenly found myself incredibly angry while talking about my parents with my girlfriend. I punched the inside of the drivers side door hard and yelled a bit. A couple of minutes later, I yelled again and noticed that she was literally recoiling out of fear with tears in her eyes. I assured her that my anger had nothing to do with her, and while she got that, she still never seen me get that angry before or sound the way I sounded, so she was understandably scared.

Yesterday we hung out and I thought I sorted out myself. Lately, my Grandpa has been having severe health problems, so I thought that maybe that was my issue. I also voiced my concern on how I react to death. In most cases, if someone dies, I don't tear up or anything. I don't even react. Then suddenly years later I was completely break down about it. In fact, when I went to go visit my Grandpa, I saw him struggling and in terrible shape. I felt myself closing myself off to everything again. Chances are when he does pass, I will do it again.

Anyway, so earlier today at work, I made a minor mistake by missing an error while checking out a part (I am quality control in a manufacturing plant). Before I knew it, I was punching steel with my bare hands as hard as I could (my wrists still hurt a lot as I am typing this), I whipped and completely shattered my safety glasses, and screamed F*** as loud as I could. Everyone present knew that I wasn't yelling at them, so there was no drama because of my actions, but again...a sudden burst of negative emotion out of nowhere.

So I don't really know what to do with myself. I am having incredibly dark thoughts and urges to do something self-destructive, but I don't know what. So that's why I am considering talking to a therapist again.

Probably not though. Might just try to drink and hurt myself again this weekend.
Tags: None Add / Edit Tags
Categories
Uncategorized

Comments

  1. Night Fury's Avatar
    Oh Sephex.

    Though not on the same level as you, I've been feeling very emotional lately too. I had a big 'RAAARAAARARARRARRRR' moment last week which resulted in me breaking down and having a series of panic attacks and crying hysterically for hours.

    I think you should go see the therapist again, I don't think it would harm you any further to go see her - it is more likely to help more than anything else.

    I hope you start to feel better soon though, having this kind of stuff happen isn't nice. When it happens to me the best way I can describe it is like having no control over my own body or thoughts.
  2. Pumpkin's Avatar
    I can also sort of identify. I have depression issues and they pop up hardcore once a monthish (like severly bad PMS almost) and I spend days crying hysterically and basically not doing anything because life feels like crap. The reason I can't see a therapist right now is cost. If you can, I would recommend it. You'll at least have someone to vent to and get stuff off your chest.

    If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. I hope you start feeling better soon.
  3. Jinx's Avatar
    I like how you pointed out that you have, in the past, forgone meds and just wanted to talk. I think that's extremely healthy, and everyone is so quick to jump on the meds bandwagon.

    If you could do so, definitely see someone and talk to them. They might help you find out where all of these pent up emotions are coming from. It sounds like it's probably a combination of several things, rather than one thing, but if you had a chance to talk to someone regularly about what's going on, you probably wouldn't feel a need to burst.

    This is also a suggestion...please don't think I'm being judgmental. But, I'd probably cut back on your drinking, because I know you drink/binge drink a lot. If you're having some issues like this, while it might not be the cause, it certainly doesn't help you either.
  4. Sephex's Avatar
    Thanks for the input, everyone. I am still on the fence if I should go see someone or not.

    As far as the situation with my Grandpa goes, things have taken a bad turn. He is on hospice now and he will probably last only a couple of more days. I am seeing him after I get out of here (work) today.

    As for the pent up emotion things? Now that I have a clearer head than when I originally wrote it, I think that work stress and family stress has just got the best of me lately. I am going to be put on a different shift in July, and by then I should resolve how I feel after Grndpa has died. If I have a couple of more instances like the ones I mentioned in my original post, then I will do something more active about my situation.

    Anyway, on to more individual responses...

    Locky: I don't feel like I have no control over myself, it's just that I feel way to vindicated when I get upset, so in the heat of the moment, I don't see a problem with how nasty I get. I immediately regret it afterwards though.

    shion: Thank you for the offer. I might take it up sometime if the timing is right. Also, while I can afford a therapist, I still am hesitant to spend more money on things. I recently bought my own condo and while I did pull off cutting down on living expenses, there are other things related to it that are costing me a pretty penny.

    Tifa's Boobs: You didn't offend me with anything. And if you did, so what? I rather hear an honest opinion when I am venting about something more serious. My real life group of friends and I pull no punches when it comes to serious discussions, so I am used to it.

    I probably should also cut down on the drinking in general. I actually have as a whole (a few years ago it was the norm for me to get drunk like people here have "seen" me 4/5 days a week). I usually drink one or two days a week and only one of those days is when I get drunk. Still, I should cut down from that too.
  5. Jinx's Avatar
    I doubted I'd seriously offend you. You and I are bros, and I think you know any advice I'd give you would be out of concern and care, not judgement.

    I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa, and I hope that you and your family are okay. If you need someone to vent to, just let me know.