View RSS Feed


Roller coasters are fun

Rate this Entry
I'm pretty tipsy. Maybe even drunk. Hard to tell with the medication. But I'm going to post this. So yeah. I'll probably regret it later

Did you ever think having "your guard" up is more like having flood gate holding back what's inside? Maybe even more like a dam. Sometimes its even ready to burst. But it holds steady. And then you make that one mistake, letting the wrong person cross into the other side.

They start poisoning the water over there, for whatever reason.. Sometimes they're sneaky and you can't figure it out right away. And sometimes your security guards on the inside just can't seem find them and kick them out; maybe you just don't have the heart for it.

Until one day you get your head out of your ass, flip on the flood lights, send in the army, and eject them from your heart. But the damage was done, and the gates were openen; sometimes they even have trouble closing back up again.. Leaks maybe start springing up everywhere; it takes a while to fix. There's a lot of pressure and stuff going on, hidden behind that wall.

Sometimes I think about how it'd be kinda nice to find someone wiser than myself to whine to, and maybe find wise words with which to patch up some spots in the dam.

But it doesn't happen, it's probably not going to. So instead I'm that wise person. People whine to me. I help patch up their dams. Help them find their sanity again for a moment. I'd rather people not have to go through what I've had to get used to over the years. It's sad knowing most people have had it worse.

Ideally you'd probably want to have a steady flow coming out of that dam, and keep the pressure down, controlled, and supported by an infrastructure of great relationships with great people.

Sometimes you just can't find the people you need.

So patch it up, keep it contained as best you can. It'll be okay soon. You may not be able to feel very much of anything afterwards, but at least you don't feel bad anymore.

In short I guess what I'm trying to say is...I think I'm leaking.

Just waiting for the mortar to arrive.

And I wonder if just simply trying to patch the holes is really the best solution.. But what else is there
Tags: None Add / Edit Tags


  1. Jiro's Avatar
    I hope you don't regret this in the morning, because it was interesting and I can relate to a lot of points. I usually end up being the repairman for other people too!

    Your analogies were fantastic too. I enjoyed them thoroughly.
  2. Vyk's Avatar
    That's actually more the reason why I posted it haha. I wrote it on another site and got more props on my abilities as a word-smith than anything. I guess I'm still in writer's mode thanks to Freya. I was actually starting to regret it, since I'm not that open of a person here usually. But I'll leave it :] Maybe others will find a similar enjoyment at least. Thank you
  3. Jentleness's Avatar
    Good morning, Vyk! I will do my best to be the wise, older person who comes to help you through experience. Long ago, when my step children came to live with us and we were trying to help fix them after their mother screwed them all up, my marriage went through a very rocky period. This was mostly caused by the children, who thought it was their duty to take chisels to the mortar that was holding things together. At the time, I worked very hard to patch up the holes they were making, while my husband seemed unaware that holes were being created, although I did my best to try to point out all the leaks. I did this for a couple of years, but the holes kept getting bigger and bigger and harder to patch up. At the time I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong, but I realized that I couldn't get different results from using the same fixes. Ah, yes, you would think that it is very simple to realize that if you take 2 and add 2 you are always going to get 4, not 3, not 5, not 105. So, I did some completely different things, and boy did things turn around! That was 8 years ago (oh, my Lord, where does the time go?!?). I am happy to tell you that this year my husband and I will be celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary, and that my step children consider me mom.
  4. Freya's Avatar
    I guess I'm still in writer's mode thanks to Freya
    Wassat? Freya is awesome? Well thank you
  5. Vyk's Avatar
    Haha ah, Jen you're awesome. See I can look back on my life and see all the choices and stages that have led me to where I am today and to an extent who I am today. But for the life of me I wouldn't know what to do to reverse the effects of anything. Er and now that I've wrote that sentence, I think its probably best I not even try. Can't fix the past and it is part of who we are. Maybe my outlook and how I present myself are the problem. I keep to myself and rarely try to let anyone really in and it usually backfires as they tend to like to be either crazy or malicious or selfish. I have trouble confiding in people anymore, though I've learned to separate "telling" and "confiding". Its kind of a double edged sword. I don't have to be closed up, I'm an open book for anyone who's curious. But just telling never does anything, there's no investment, no expectation of any kind of closure, relief, or comfort, and so I don't really get anything out of it. But it does sometimes open the door for the right people to have a chance to say the right thing that rings to a note inside of me. At least then I can be tempted to let my guard down and actually confide. But of course, crazy people and all that. And its extremely hard to find people who hit that note. Not to mention I've gotten to the point of almost being a social hermit, and sometimes don't even find myself all that interesting, so I can't expect to be all that interesting to new people who may want to make friends and whatnot. Which is really more of an offline problem, but still. I don't know what people want, I shouldn't worry about it, but somehow it still matters, and I don't know how to be myself with most people. Its a pretty ridiculous self deprecating cycle. Its either you keep to yourself, or you fall on your face trying. I'm not afraid to keep on trying, but its all completely alien to me anymore lol I dunno, I'm starting to ramble. Let's just say I don't read spirit's threads anymore, because I usually know how he feels, but wouldn't have the foggiest how to help him, 'cause I can barely see in this darkness myself. Life just got away from me I guess. Sorry I'm not even sure if this will be an entirely cohesive post, but I'm writing it on the fly. So ... yeah :]
  6. Jentleness's Avatar
    Well, hmmm, I am sorry I misunderstood the underlying issue. It is true you can not change your past, and it is also true that past experiences helped shape the person you are today, so that my advice does not apply here. I was speaking of a condition where I lived in a situation where the people that I related to (husband and children) were acting in ways that were damaging to my heart and mind (during that time I pretty much locked myself in my bedroom with my is also during this time that I came to EoFF and befriended many of the members here). Anyway, I kept trying to make things right, but I would use the same methods all the time to fix things. I'd talk to the kids, I'd talk to my husband, I'd try to be more understanding, I would try to come up with solutions to the kids problems in the hopes that if they were happy they would stop trying to break my marriage up. However, the one thing that finally worked was the one thing I refused to try for so long because I was afraid it would end things. I left. Pure, simple, effective. When I talked to my husband next he told me he wanted me to come home, and I told him everything that would change or I wasn't ever coming back. That's how I fixed my problems (that's a very simple retelling, but it was the beginning of of everything working out).

    Now to the core issue: how to create better, more satisfying relationships that benefits both partners. Well, that one is certainly not easy, however, that doesn't mean its impossible. I understand what you mean about telling without really making the connection that constitutes confiding. You are willing to share your experiences and your opinions, maybe even your feelings about a situation, but you haven't yet, and feel you might never be able to, connect with someone on such a level that you would willingly open your heart to them and expose your deepest loves and fears to that person. That past experience has spoiled any opportunity for this to ever happen, mostly because you have become a social hermit and do not foresee a chance of meeting this person in the near future. Is this the trouble you feel right now?
  7. Vyk's Avatar
    Yeah I guess I sort of misrepresented my issue. The whole poisoning the water thing, I mainly touched on because people who get hurt by people they let in are probably most likely to understand the whole flood gate emotion thing. What actually happened was I did meet someone and we got close just long enough for me to get comfortable and then they decided to do a 180 on whatever we were developing and just randomly cut me out of their life. The girl herself is barely even the problem, we didn't really get to know each other that well, but the problem is I let my guard down, and when she left, things ... inside sorta decided to start coming out with her. And I'm having a few issues building up my defenses again. I'm making headway though. Sorta bi-polar for the moment while things settle back down inside

    And its almost like having flashbacks, 'cause this issue isn't whats on my mind now. I keep thinking about things in the past that I apparently never properly dealt with. I realized last night while talking with Kaycee that I think I deal with all varieties of stress in the same manner most people deal with grief over the loss of a loved one. When someone dies, you can't just fix it. You have to accept it, move on, and get over it. I rarely know how to fix my own problems. I guide people through theres. But that whole "forest, for the trees" issue is pretty keen with me

    So I just pretty much get used to everything that goes on as best I can. Cope, deal, move on. Sorta. So yeah. I'm just re-dealing with things. Lots of evil women in my past for instance :] Three of which I met on this site >_>