Mercen-X

Once upon a time, my ex came to town. She made a very lurid proposition and I had to consult my magic 8-ball (read as: everyone here at Eyes) about how to move forward.

Well, she came back to town about two weeks ago. Despite the fact that I was close enough to her house on the first day to go and visit (which I desperately wanted to), I decided to fore-go that initial drop-by because I figured she'd be visiting with family. She later told me that her family didn't come to visit her until the next week.
I went to visit her this past wednesday and she once again informed me that she wanted "more" from my visit. That is, she wanted to spend the night at my house but she was apparently leaving on thursday and that would complicate everything. So I spent the night at her place. Well, it's her grandma's place, so... sigh.

The next morning, I overheard that her and her family were going to Chipotle's, but because my mom had texted me something completely irrelevant, I felt it prudent to call her and say they were dropping me off. Then I found out they were actually going to take me with them. The rest of my day was miserable.

I found out she wasn't going home yet and we spent thursday on thru saturday texting out whether or not she would like to and would be able to come over to my place. She finally made up her mind and came over. She said she had something to tell me but didn't want to. So I didn't let her. At least, not until she was happier. Then I got it out of her that she had slept with another guy the night before. The same jerk she was with last time before she and I fired up this "strictly physical" relationship. She said she had only gone over intending to hang out for a little while. But she had gone over at like 2am and was tired and didn't care. She said it hurt and that she felt guilty because apparently he has a girlfriend.

Now, I'm not writing about this because I feel personally hurt or betrayed (though those feelings are in there, undeserving as they may be... I am human), but because I feel that my own decisions are not very... good. I feel that she and I have something in common in that we don't make decisions easily and therefore usually end up letting other people make up our minds for us. Last night, I was considering paying her another visit this morning, but instead of telling her that, I asked when she was heading back to Canada. She said it would be today, so I didn't go. But she's still here. It's 2pm and she's still here and that's roughly six more hours I could have spent with her instead of being bored at home. The worst part is that last night, I suspected she wouldn't be going home until the afternoon or later, but just in case, I didn't want to get stuck out there.

Then there's today. She has to come thru town to get back home and she texted that they were heading to In n Out burger. So I got all prepared to go and meet them out here... but I didn't tell her that. She then texted that they had forgot something, had to turn around, and ended up eating out there instead.

Basically, I feel that my decisions over the past two weeks more often left me in a state of boredom and ennui (and crushing disappointment) which would have been remedied by just a short time with her regardless of whether we did anything. I have to wonder if I'm going to be making stupid decisions for the rest of my life. I mean, my past seems to indicate this to be the case. But then again, people might call me a pessimist.

No ReplyThis was just a diary page. But if anyone feels the urge to respond, feel free to PM me.