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Just Random Thoughts and Other Things

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*I think I've been getting much better at having a positive attitude. Aside from mildly ranting about subjects that annoy me here and there, along with letting a video game frustrate me to the point of giving my coffee table a good smack, I've been in a much happier place. Any curve ball that has been thrown my way be it at work or wherever I handled very well.

*I've been sort of flirting with the idea of losing weight by eating better and/or working out. The problem is that when I start to consider it seriously, I think way too much about how I'll be looking better for other people. That's not a very good reason to start. Like all angles of self improvement, you have to do things you do for YOU, and no one else, even if you have good intentions. That's the only way it will be genuine and that's the only way something like that will stick. I lost a lot of weight before in my adult life, but there was a lot of negativity behind that action. I did it because depression got the ball rolling then pure vindictive bitterness pushed me over the top. I can't act like that anymore. It's not good for the soul and it just makes me look foolish. Plus, since I lost weight essentially by SEVERELY limiting what I ate, I was always crabby and irritable at the drop of a hat. Say when my friends and I went out to bowl or something I would get legitimately pissed off if I had a bad game. No one wants to hang out with that asshole. So I guess I am just trying to find that perfect window of making such a commitment with the proper mindset and attitude, as well as losing weight the proper way. I don't even care if I drop to 150lbs again. I just need to do it or else I have a actual shot of dying in a decade or so. But I have to want to improve and I'm going in circles.

*Been reflecting a lot on time, which has caused me to examine random points of my life. The fact that I am remembering stuff from eras of my life in a more positive light shows a decent amount of maturity, I suppose. I caught myself looking back at a time period where I was depressed and was doing nothing with my life, but managed to effortlessly remember the good times. I used to have this skewed view that my childhood was the only good time in my life, and that it would only time in my life that would be good--ever. But what I failed to realize years ago is that it was simply easier to cherry pick the good stuff and ignore the bad. Since I am better at looking at aspects of myself with a more unbiased view, I can think of dozens up dozens of things from around that time that I absolutely hated, and I'm glad that I never have to deal with again. I just fell way to deep into the great parts of that section. I didn't give myself enough credit for what was going right at the time even when things seemed to be going wrong.

*Despite how silly I get, I seldomly get actually serious. It's been that way for the past five or six years or so because I felt that I spent most of my post high school life as some sort of downer. I noticed that I do a good job at making people laugh, so why not do that instead? I guess that's why when I do make the mistake of letting something get to me I come down on myself pretty hard. I think it is extreme fear of sliding into a slump like that. The weird thing is back when I was a far more negative person I was not only a non drinker, but adamantly against it (in terms of consuming alcohol personally). I saw the negative side of alcohol growing up a lot, and I thought that one sip of beer just makes everyone an asshole. Hell, I even take drugs now too. Most of the reason why are for pain and sleep problems I have developed, but the more negative me would have refused prescription stuff out of some weird sense of moral obligation. Again, I didn't care how other people lived their life, but I just couldn't let myself do anything like that. It's very strange for me to think about now.

*Things that used to bother me don't anymore. Maybe that's because I am in a stable relationship. I just paused and took a look at that sentence for a bit. That felt good to type. This Friday I will have been dating the same person for four years. The thing I have observed is that in the past, I would observe something like that in a different light. For the past few months I have basically considered the length of the relationship to be "about four years" because there was no doubt in my mind that it wouldn't end before that actual date passed. I also never knew how casual, yet meaningful relationships could be until this one either. All other relationships had me feeling that I was constantly trying to spin plates on a stick. It was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down. Maybe you could try to glue the pieces back together, or maybe you could move on. But this one? No thoughts like that. The future doesn't feel like some question mark or a tunnel with a linear path. It feels more like a field I can cultivate however I wish.

*I guess that's it for now. Sorry if this is too weird for people to read since I don't really get this way too often. I just had to type all this out because I felt it was important to do so.

Updated 03-18-2015 at 12:35 AM by Sephex (typos/clarification)

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  1. Shorty's Avatar
    I'm glad you're in a better place, dude. You seem to be happier with yourself lately.
  2. Sephex's Avatar
    Thank you! I'm glad it shows!