Shattered Dreamer

Well it's nearly a year since my last blog entry because, well, I'm lazy when it comes to this sort of thing. Why have I decided to post a blog today? Well? I really need to vent all the bull$h*t floating around in my head that's why!

For the most part the past 8 months of my life, while not fantastic have been a lot better than the 12 months before them. I moved to a small 2 bedroom apartment in Sligo sharing with an old friend from school in late August 2011, a big town (they call it a city but it really isn't) about an hour North of where I grew up in Co. Mayo (this Ireland for those wondering the geography) after spending 3 months living at home following the end of my 2 year stint living in Dublin city. I left Dublin because my life there was going no where for various reasons. I was unemployed with sparse job opportunities, my social life basically failing apart as I found myself the only one unemployed out of a group all moving on to become lawyers, my band I had worked so hard on falling apart mere weeks before a gig & most importantly I had fallen out with the 2 people I was living with rather badly.

Anyway for the past 8 months here in Sligo I have lived a rather slow paced life which for the most part has been nothing to write home about but good at the same time. My room mate is a performing arts students & one of the most laid back, genuine people you'll ever meet in your life. Living with him when compared with my living arrangements back in Dublin has been an absolute pleasure. My only gripe is that his girlfriend is kind of an a$$hole but in fairness no room mate is perfect. My general life here in Sligo has consisted of 2 trips a week to the local gym, the odd night out ever week or so (mostly due to lack of money) & the rest of the time spent looking for work. I even had my 1st job interview in over a year there before Christmas for an admin job for an Engineering firm but alas after 2 interviews it came to nothing.

So anyway rewind to about 6 weeks ago. I received an email from my best mate from college's girlfriend telling me about 3 new internships that had just opened up in the admin department of Griffith College Dublin, my alma mater. My mate's girlfriend worked in the admin office in GCD for about 2 years so heard from past co-workers about the positions so decided to email me. This was really nice of her because we haven't exactly been the best of friends in the 4 years I have known her.

Anyway, despite having a lease signed on my apartment in Sligo until May I decided why not nothing to lose and applied for 2 of the internships. 2 weeks following my application I got called for an interview, a week after that I got called for a 2nd interview (I spend a 6 hour return train journey to get to this particular interview which lasted 15 minutes in total lol) & last Friday I sent an email to ask them had a decision been made (they said they'd call me the day after the interview & a week had passed), 4pm Friday they rang me back & offered me a 9 month internship

After this phone call I was absolutely elated! I was approaching 3 years unemployed so as you can imagine I had every reason to be happy. Saturday then was spend celebrating my 24th birthday with some friends which was also pretty nice. Anyway, despite getting offered the internship, I had to wait to get a form to bring to the welfare office from GCD because the internship is under the umbrella of a new government scheme to get unemployed people like myself some work experience.

So anyway, I spent Monday until today stressing about this form coming in the post, it arrived & got stamped by the welfare office & everything with it went A okay. So at this point my stress level should of gone away right? No, I have found myself over about the past week becoming increasingly stressed to the point where I'm driving myself nuts feeling down in the dumps when I have every reason to feel happy. Then tonight I sat down with my room mate for a chat because I was feeling out of sorts & to see could he shed some light on while I'm being a misery guts seemingly for no reason. Turns out there is a very good reason why I'm feeling down.

3 weeks or so ago I received news from my Dad that he has to have a gal stone removed while under full aesthetic. The idea of my Dad having said operation has me very very worried. My Dad is 60 years old, he is a smoker, he is overweight & on enough prescription pills for his manic depression, gastric problems, spinal problems & arthritis for you to say he has blood in his drug stream. Because of all these factors I have gotten it into my head that there is a very real & present danger of my Dad dying on the operating table. To make this worse his operation is set for the 2nd day of my new internship.

I am literally losing my $hit over the idea that my Dad is going to die. I want him to be around for at least another 20 years! I want to be able to pay him & my Mom back for all the things they have done for me & give my theoretical future wife & children the chance to know the man who is my father, my best friend, my confident & my hero. I am only just about at a point in my life where I can refer to myself as "well-adjusted" & to lose him now would smurf me up pretty bad. I know that I am totally over reacting here & in all likelihood he will come out of the op okay but I just cannot shake this awful feeling.

Anyway I feel a lot better now after typing that out! It was a bit long winded but hey whatever. Hopefully the next time I write one of these blogs it will be for more positive reasons & not a year from now.

Always moving forward, but never moving on.

Matt aka Shattered Dreamer