Pumpkin
is an EoFF Legend
Pinkasaurus Rex

I noticed.

Done!

Yeah! I just saw it, I'm reading it now.

Do I have to send you pics too ?

<3

That's fine ! I just saw my chance of winning reappear! These are hard to guess

I just realized you put up the next writing prompt. I need to start figuring out what scene I'm going to do.

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I like what you have there, especially for a rough draft. I do like the characters you have. They all seem pretty unique and well characterized. You also do well with dialogue, which was a strength I saw in your other writing as well. You also do well with making the reader want to know more and read on (which I believe I saw a lot of comments about that in your original thread for the story).

A couple of points that you can think about for revisions down the line or just to keep aware of for the future: The first paragraph is a bit redundant at times. The first sentence you have him staring at the screen, and then you establish that again in the third sentence. You have some good detail at what he's looking at, just saying "He stared into the monitor" again isn't really necessary. You could probably shorten the second sentence as well to something like "The room had a yellowish-green glow from the monitors" or something like that. That's probably just nit-picky on my part as a teacher whose job it is to always look for where things could be changed, haha.

Another point (which I think is part of what people had said about "Show, don't tell) is when you discuss her face being filled with concern and whatnot. I'm not the best at this myself, but it does make a more interesting sentence to give more physical descriptions of the face to show that concern. I'm kind of blanking right now but something like "face was scrunched with concern" or something. Again, not a big deal and probably a little nitpicky, but it is just something to think about for the future as it makes the scene a little more vivid to the reader. Getting the perfect wording of that sort of thing doesn't really matter in the rough draft form, though.

As I said, I like what you have! If I have time in the next few days, I should go back and read chapter 2 since I've only read chapter 1 so far.

It might be a bit before I can get around to it. I did just start reading it and managed to get a phone call while in the middle of it