Originally Posted by Dynast-Kid's Nearly Completed Book of EoFF Lore
"Once in an age long gone by, in fact, before the concept of time had even been concieved, there was a void. From this void came a hill. From this hill sprouted a small plant. From the plant's newly-blooming flower buds, a divine being, known only as Cid, was born. Cid, newly born into the void soon became lonely, and created our world. This world we call Eyes on Final Fantasy."
-Book of EoFF Lore, Prologue
"Long ago in a by gone era, there was a small boy named Jade. Jade lived in a condo with his mother, father, eight brothers and sisters, along with their four cats. One day, Jade discovered Eyes of Final Fantasy. Captivated by this jewel of the Internet, Jade soon became swallowed by Eyes on Final Fantasy (a.k.a. EoFF) charms and appeal. He initially logged on as 'zidane gurl' but soon changed his name to 'kimahris girl loves debbie' and then eventually, 'on the lam celestialbreeze'. He changed his name so much, no one was ever sure what his name was. Soon, Jade forgot even his own name. And so did his family..."
-Book of EoFF Lore, canto 29
"As the golden orb of the sun disappeared over the horizon, the people of the cozy village, Urpa'burpa, laid down to rest. But alas, their quiet evening was interrupted by the arrival of something terrible. A demon, known only as the LunarWeaver crossed the village gates and entered the quiet town. There, it ransacked all of the Bed, Bath & Beyonds, drank the blood of numerous children, and established himself as a big manwhore. The Lunar Weaver then disappeared into the night, and returned on the eve of every full moon to terrorize the village once more."
-Book of EoFF Lore, verse 69
"In the many years before the discovery of fire, and before the Colonel invented the chicken, there was a mighty queen. This queen, Queen Eileen Cassandra Juclecia Raquel Amidalis XIII, was revered through out the land as the most beautiful and kind ruler of all. But one day, she awoke, and discovered her hair was a mess. She attempted to quell the raging mop of hair on top of her head, but alas, the comb availed her not. She soon appeared before the people. Amused by her bizarre hairdo, they laughed at her. Queen Eileen was so embarassed, she fled her castle and thrust herself off the top of the highest mountain in the land..."
-Book of EoFF Lore, passage 369
"And as the clouds were ripped asunder by cobalt bolts of lightning, the magical pope, Shiny, appeared before the people. She said to them, Fear Me not, for I am your savior. Bring me the blood of a newborn baby walrus, and all of your burdens shall be lifted. But the villagers could not find a newborn baby walrus, and Shiny, using her esoteric magic pope powers, slayed them all."
-Book of EoFF Lore, canto 666
"Once upon a time, the earth was not as it is now. The earth was dominated not by humans, but chocobos. These chocobos were all ruled by the chocobo with the goldest feathers of them all, the Goldenboco. The Goldenboco was loved by all of the female (and even some of the male) chocobos of the land. But one day, the Goldenboco discovered a new thing, the human. The Goldenboco befriended the humans and kept up friendly relations between chocobos and humans. But alas, one day the humans attacked the chocobos, brutally slaughtering them and deep frying their limp corpses. The Goldenboco, disgusted by the treachery of man, fled into the mountains, never to be seen again."
-Book of EoFF Lore, paragraph 911
"As the great Goldenboco fled from the chaos wrought by mankind, he stumbled upon a witch. This witch, having the head of a chocobo, was called the Chocobo_Head* (The meaning of the underscore and asterisk remain unknown). The Goldenboco cautiously approached the witch, his knees trembling with each move closer to the witch. Come closer, said Chocobo_Head*, I have something to give you...The Goldenboco, mesmerized by the witchs soothing voice, quickly trodded up to the witch. He peered into the witch's cauldron and was overtaken by the nigh orgasmic smell of his favorite food; smoked Mimmet Greens with sauteed Pahsana Greens, and a frothy cup of shredded Gysahl Greens. The aroma clouded his memory and loosening the Goldenboco's sense of logic and judgment, and he soon was lost in a haze of passionate longing for a bite of this mystic feast. But the witch had other things in mind...
-Book of EoFF Lore, paragraph 912
"The witch cackled her hideous witch laughter. With each thunderous bellow of her silky voice, the mountain shook. The Goldenboko (The texts alter the mythic being's name for an unknown reason) pleaded with the witch, begging for just one taste of her tantalizing spread. She looked down at him, pity glazing her eyes, and struck a deal: If he journeyed to the Root Beer Forum (the archaic name for the Art Forum), and retrieve the mystic Stone of Marick, she would hand over the meal. Overcome with lust for the meal, he ran down the face of a mighty precipice (one of the 12 miracles of the Goldnboko), and headed south towards the desolate and arid land known as the Root Beer Forum."
-Book of EoFF Lore, paragraph 913
"After days of journeying through the tremendous jungle known as General Chat, Goldenboko stopped to rest at a large waterfall. He thrust his head towards the water, gulping down as much of the refreshing crystal blue water he could. Suddenly, he heard a strange thud behind him. He turned and saw that he was facing straight into the jagged maw of a fearsome skwiwoo (a now extinct form of giant squirrel). The skwiwoo raised it's large tail and swung it, Goldnboko barely dodging. The skwiwoo then leapt into the air, then slammed down hard against the jungle floor, shaking the entire General Chat Forum. Still, Goldenboko stood his ground. He dodged each swipe of the skwiwoo's claws, and countered each kick of it's large hindlegs. The skwiwoo started to grow weary and leapt to the top of a high tree, hoping to regain its strength. The Goldenboko took this opprotunity to make his move. He ran over to the base of the tree, and with all of his might, he kicked, snapping the tree in two. The tree then collapsed, cushing the skwiwoo with brutal force. Thus, the 2nd miracle of the Goldenboko was accomplished, defeating the fearsome skwiwoo."
-Book of EoFF Lore, paragraph 914
"The Goldenboko was drunken with pride over his victory. Not many could say they had successfully slain a full-grown skwiwoo. He soon grew hungry and took off into the jungle in search of food. He finally found a small grove not far from the waterfall. Perched on the grove's highest tree was a piece of fruit. This was no ordinary fruit. It's skin was the color of fresh baby grass, spotted with pink spots and golden stripes. It shimmered like a freshly-cut diamond. The Goldenboko became instantly infatuated with the fruit. He flapped his yellow Chocobo wings and flew a short height up to the trunk of the tree. he clutched the trunk and slowly shimmied up the height of the tree, the fruit growing more irresitable with each move. As he reached the top of the tree, his little Choco stomach achingly awaited the delectable treat. He slowly reached out for the prize, when suddenly, a streak of orange raced across his line of sight, and the fruit was gone. The Goldenboko, startled, fell towards the forest floor, landing with a hard thud. He angrily got up and dusted himself off. Who dare snatch his precious fruit!? He heard snickering behind him and turned to see a Moomba. The Moomba clutched the fruit to it's chest and giggled in a mischievous way, it's grin stretching from ear to ear. The Goldenboko, outraged, approach the Moomba, his eyes glazed over in fury..."-Book of EoFF Lore, verse 915
"The Goldenboko marched over to the Moomba, his feathers pointing straight out due to the intense anger within the Chocobo. The Moomba did not move an inch, keeping that smirk on it's face despite the alarming rate at which the infuriated Goldenboko was charging. Not even a yard away from the fruti thief, the Goldenboko stopped dead in his tracks. He gazed straight into the large, ice blue eyes of the Moomba. She was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. The Goldenboko bowed down low, his beak centimeters away from the ground (a sign of great respect in Chocobo culture). The little Moomba giggled and then wiggled her toes some. The Goldenboko flashed a quick smile at the Moomba's actions...Was she trying to seduce him? He then stood fully erect, and stood at least 8 inches over the Moomba. The Goldenboko looked down at her, a stern look in his eye. He stoicly demanded she hand over the delectable fruit. She shook her head and giggled more. He bent over, his beak not an inch away from her face. He stared hard into her azure eyes, trying to penetrate her ice with his fire. Then, he was hit with a suckerpunch. The Moomba stretched her neck out and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. The Goldenboko was very taken aback, stumbling several paces back He shook his head, the hypnotic kiss clouding his mind. Why did she do that? What does she want? By the time the Goldenboko had pondered these thoughts, the beautiful Moomba maiden had disappeared into the foilage of the lush jungle. Intrigued, the Goldenboko set after the Moomba girl-and his fruit..."
-Book of EoFF Lore, verse 916
"After the magical pope, Shiny, slayed the infidel of the walrus village (see canto 666), an uproar rose up from the gods. The villagers whom the magical pope had slayed were devoted followers of the great thunder fire god, Itsunari 5000. Disgusted by Shiny's massacre of his followers, Itsunari 5000 rose up and waged a cosmic war against the magical pope. As Itsunari 5000 plotted his scheme against Shiny, an elite squad of loyalists (loyal to Shiny) fled to a vast and empty place, known as the Video Game Music/The Spirits Within forum, and set up their base. But Shiny's warriors had no idea what the fire god had in store for them."
-Book of EoFF Lore, verse 1001
