Bleys's Round Four Finale
Well, well, well. The final round. I guess this qualifies as attaining my stated goal of "second place," since this is really as close to second place as is going to exist. This means I can slack off now.
But I'm not gonna. This is too much fun.
I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit disappointed in the questions, but here we go:
1) Loony BoB has told Psychotic to "shut the smurf up". We don't allow swearing! We also don't allow people to order other people around in such a manner. Loony BoB has been a bad boy. He needs to be punished. What do you do?
I'm actually going to be serious on this one. Nothing. First of all, Psy can stick up for himself. Secondly, they're colleagues, they're entitled to be informal with each other. I tell my friends to smurf off all of the time, and they fire back in kind. It's not the same thing at all as strangers or enemies cursing each other out. He does not need to be punished. Anybody who thinks that the situation, as described, warrants punishment is far too stick-up-arsey to be allowed anywhere near anything remotely resembling authority.
Secondly, the board automatically filters the so-called "offensive" word out, so ultraconservative nuns and people stuck living in the 1950s don't have to read the dreaded "F" word, which everybody else in the universe is used to and uses on a regular basis.
In summary, BoB and Psy are civilized adults who should be treated as such, and smurf the goddamn mothersmurfing swear filter.
2) Pike and I'm My Own MILF were caught having sex in front of the children at her kindergarten. That's disgusting! What do you do?
First, I'd hose them down with cold water to cool their ardour, then shoot them both with a tranquilizer dart, toss a blanket over them, and usher the kids out of the room until they can be removed from the scene. Try not to laugh. Probably fail at the not-laughing part.
2a) Now the kids are asking what they were doing. What do you tell them?
They were attempting to summon the Dark Lord Yog-Sothoth, who would then tear himself, shrieking blood and fury from the endless caverns of the nether world, hurl himself into the darkness with a thirst for blood on his slaverying fangs, and search the very threads of time for the throbbing of their cutesy little heartbeats. Happy nightmares, kids.
3) Wolf Kanno is drunk. Again. He's also posting pornographic pictures of Pike and I'm My Own MILF having sex in front of children into a thread in EoFF. What do you do?
This is cut and dry. Posting pornography is an instant ban, no questions asked. If Doomgaze isn't allowed to do it, nobody is.
4) Shiny is replying to threads with nothing more than the statement "fire_of_avalon, I forgive you for what you have done. I'm sorry for what I have also done. Let's make up. Will you marry me?" This has nothing to do with the topic of the threads, and she will not stop. What do you do?
Temp ban. Under reason, post the entire text of the British North America Act of 1867.
5) Del Murder has set Eyes on Final Fantasy on fire. It's already reached The Lounge, and the smoke is making it hard for Raistlin and Vivi22 to breathe. What do you do?
Besides laugh?
First, I'd alert the forums by screaming "FIRE! FIRE! OH DEAR GOD THE HUMANITY IT'S ALL BUUUUUUUURNING!" so that they would know to evacuate the forums. When fighting a fire, one's first concern must always be for the safety of human lives.
I'd micturate on the base of the flames. Always aim for the base of the flames. This is to ensure that the fire is cut off at its source.
Once the fire had been brought largely under control and/or I ran out of ammo, the next step would be to smother the remaining bits of fire. This is best accomplished with a blanket or, if unavailable, Del Murder's face. Hey, he started the fire, right?
Now, I'm assuming this is just a typical fire and not a grease or electrical fire. One must never urinate on a grease fire, as urine is mostly water, and water is not soluble with grease. This would cause the urine to slide under the grease and very rapidly evaporate, resulting in an explosion. I do not like explosions that close to my fladoop. In the case of a grease fire, liquid solvents are simply unacceptable, so it would be necessary to proceed directly to smothering the fire with a blanket/Del Murder's face.
If it is an electrical fire, the first step would be to cut power to the forums. This should take care of the source of the fire, leaving only smaller secondaries to be extinguished using urine/a blanket/Del Murder's face.
6) krissy has started a thread demanding that all of Staff step down because "they're a bunch of titty pussy wanking homotwats that couldn't tell a mothersmurfer from a toilet seat if it hit them on the head." What do you do?
Calmly advise him that if being a bunch of titty pussy wanking homotwats that couldn't tell a mothersmurfer from a toilet seat if it hits them on the head was grounds for resignation, every government in the world since the Pearson administration and possibly even before (except for Silvio Berlusconi's) would have been forced to resign and all that would remain would be global anarchy. As such, a much more compelling reason, such as membership in the Westboro Baptist Church, must be provided before anyone could be asked to step down.
7) Rantzien has been constantly entering porn links into the #eoff chatroom. What do you do?
Isn't this exactly the same question as #3? Same answer, except it would be a chat ban instead of a forums ban. I really hope the next question isn't retarded.
8) Hypoallergenic Cactuar is humping your leg. What do you do?
goddammit.
This is why I keep a spray bottle full a mixture of water and vinegar on me at all times. Spray the little bastard and he'll go away.
9) Hypoallergenic Cactuar isn't humping your leg. What do you do?
Rejoice.
10) You're unsure of what to do. What do you do?
When in doubt, I see character; I give my thoughts no tongue, nor any unproportioned thought its act.
I am familiar, but by no means vulgar; Those friends I have, their adoption tried, I grapple to my soul with hoops of steel.
I beware of entrance to a quarrel, but being in, ensure that those opposed must beware of me.
I give everyone my ear, but few my voice.
I take each person's censure, but reserve my judgment.
I'm neither a borrower nor a lender, for loan oft loses itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry
This above all else: To mine own self I am true, for it must follow as the night the day
That I can not be false to any man.
That, and I listen to the leprechaun. He tells me to burn things.
