Let's Play Police Quest: In Pursuit of the Death Angel
I don't know if anyone remembers this game, but it was a part of my growing up. I think PQII was the first video game I ever played, on a Tandy 1000 with one of those weird 2-button joysticks that you use with 2 fingers. Police Quest was one of Sierra On-Line's famous "Quest" series that defined the adventure game genre, where you take the role of a city cop and have to follow actual police procedure to win. I really like this game, but I'm going to be hard on it in this playthrough because...it wouldn't be funny if I wasn't.
Our scene is set in the fictional town of Lytton, CA, which is laid out in a perfect rectangle because that totally happens in real life. Nothing bad ever happens in Lytton, but when it does, it's because of DRUGS.
I must not do DRUGS.
DRUGS are the mind-killer.
DRUGS are the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face DRUGS.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me. (but without doing DRUGS of course, because DRUGS are bad)
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the DRUGS have gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
In Lytton there is no fear, no death (except where caused by DRUGS), and everyone gets along with one another, gets married, has a house with a white picket fence, two children, and a dog that doesn't bite. There is no unemployment, sufficient government funding for all public services, and no-one gets sick or old. Every kid (who doesn't get involved with DRUGS) makes straight As and goes on to an ivy league school, and then on to their dream career.
You are Sonny Bonds. For some reason, your dream career involves writing speeding tickets and drinking bad coffee at the only coffee shop in the city. After all, who would even want Ron Jeremy's career? As an added incentive to join the fast-paced and exciting field of police work, the penalty for failure to follow police procedure to the letter in this game is DEATH. Stop for a beer while on duty? DEATH. Make a mistake writing a ticket? DEATH. Run a stop sign? DEATH.
I've chosen to use the VGA remake of Police Quest for this walkthrough; I prefer the original, but the driving part is almost impossible on a modern computer. When I first played it with one of those two-finger joysticks it was doable, but the keyboard is too clunky, the mouse doesn't work, a modern-day flightstick doesn't cut it, and I don't have a goddamn time machine to go back and get the kind of two-finger joystick that makes driving in PQ possible.
Time to get my trout out of my locker.
Off to the briefing room to check my pigeonhole for messages.
I guess I'll read the paper while I wait for the other tardy-ass cops to show up for briefing.
http://www.bleysmaynard.net/eoff/pq/1/011.jpg
The mall and the arcade, really? I know this game was written before the internet, but even when I was a teenager, nobody hung around at a mall unless they were there to buy something. When I wanted to spend time with my friends, I bloody well invited them over.
http://www.bleysmaynard.net/eoff/pq/1/012.jpg
We suspect, apropos of nothing, that this was drug related. Oh, wait, I forgot. This is Lytton. Everything bad that happens in Lytton is because of DRUGS. It's actually pretty amazing that the cops keep the streets so clean given the number of police fatalities caused by not walking around a patrol car in a circle before getting in. The penalty for failure to do so, as we've covered, is DEATH.
After the briefing, let's explore the police station, shall we?
Turns out it goes to the Narcotics Department, which is surprisingly small since everything bad that happens in Lytton is drug-related. You'd think the whole police station would be the Narcotics Department.
Since nothing plot-related has actually happened, the proper thing for any uniformed cop to do is drive around aimlessly until something does. Sure enough, the radio crackles with a report of a motor vehicle accident. I arrive on the scene, and the car is a total write-off. Oh yeah and the driver has two bullet holes in his head.
Next, it's off to Caffeine Carol's for an 11-98 with Steve. Oh bloody hell I just did it too. I think this is the only cop game I've ever played where you're required to go on break. If I keep driving around instead of going on break, the dispatcher keeps coming on the radio and reminding me that I have to go on break. I'm not sure what happens if I continually ignore the dispatcher, but I'm pretty sure it's death. It made for a thrill-filled ride as I had to circle the block about six times before I finally figured out how to stop driving. I'm pretty sure the seventh time would have caused scorpions to swarm out of my glove compartment.
snip boring smalltalk
This looks like a good enough place to leave off for today. I played ahead a bit more, but the only thing that happened was a routine traffic stop of a woman who ran a stop sign while speeding. I didn't screenshot any of it because it would bore you. It didn't bore me because the result of any minor infraction would have been instant death. Just to give you an idea, here is what happens when you run a stop sign:
