Let's Play Police Quest II: The Vengeance

About a year after the events of Police Quest, things are about to heat up again for Detective Sonny Bonds, who has now, for plot reasons, transferred to the Homicide department. Sonny is now dating "Sweet Cheeks" Marie Wilkans, whose new occupation is never mentioned in the game.

This is impressive because there was no Homicide department in the original PQ.

We join Sonny as he's just arriving at work and hey crap why am I using the third person? That's not consistent with the original LP thread.

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Marie made me ditch the sports car because it wasn't "sensible." WHAT IS SO SENSIBLE ABOUT THIS PIECE OF CRAP?

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I keep my locker combination printed on the back of all of my business cards, that way anybody who I give my card to can steal my gun.

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Not because I'll need my keys on the job, but because the penalty for police officers forgetting anything is death.

But, hey, I'm feeling lucky today. It's time to play a little game called late for work!

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Not that I have any money, but what the hey, it's the mall

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I KNOW THAT. I want to go. Damned disembodied voice preventing me from entering the mall

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Well, as long as I'm going to show up for work late, I might as well show up for work drunk.

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Well screw you, then.

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Huzzah!

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GDI.

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Sod. Off.

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As long as I'm skipping work, I might as well skip town

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Strange. According to baptists, everyone is going there. You'd think there'd be a lot of demand for transit.

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Enough of Lytton, time to head to the True North Strong and Free

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Screw you, disembodied voice


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Hello, strangers. This is me not being creepy

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I'm really starting to get sick of you, Mr. disembodied voice

And of course, it's not a visit to the airport until I check out the can.

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IS THAT YOUR ANSWER TO EVERYTHING?

Well, the airport is boring, I guess I'll head to a restaurant and have a bite to eat. But wait...

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BUSTED! Which is ironic, because I am a cop.

Well, my bad behaviour didn't result in death this time, so let's play another game. This one is my favourite: INSUBORDINATION!

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Still hungry.

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Closed? Goddammit.

Time to do more driving around on Captain Hall's dime.

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A seedy motel? Why not?

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Don't you know my wife is about to give birth to the Son of God?

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I thought I made myself perfectly clear. Score some weed.

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Surely the Blue Room wasn't the only watering hole in town

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Dammit.

OK, time to do some actual police work.

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Lytton PD sure has changed. The layout is actually absolutely nothing like it was a year ago in PQ1. We now have the Narcotics and Homicide offices on the left, the locker room and Vice on the top, and the shooting range to the right. There are no longer any showers installed. Morris Fudley resigned in protest.

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Wait, the asshole from PQ1 is my partner now?

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A re-trial. A year later.

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"I know this because I just now heard Keith telling you."

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Ordinarily, this wouldn't have been enough, but the defence attorney pointed out that it would be neccesary in order to advance the plot.

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OK, I get it already. This game is heavily Bains-centric

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Because it makes perfect sense to keep my wallet in my desk at work and not, say, on my person

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I have no interest in scuba diving, especially living in a city that just has a dinky river passing through it, but Captain Hall made me take the course for plot reasons

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Gunplay? Smurf yeah!

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Gee, I hope I remember the combination! If not, I suppose I can just ask anyone I've ever given my business card to

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Uh...crap...what was that last number? If only I'd thought to write it down

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YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Gunny gun gun!

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You never know, I might run into Marie sometime today

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Hell to the yeah, loadin' mah gun

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GOD DAMMIT DISEMBODIED VOICE, STOP SAYING THAT

Picking up next time with FIRIN' MAH GUN!

This is much more fun with the free-form text versions.

I don't know if I can approve of a game which doesn't consider "dropkick" a valid command, but on the other hand Canada is verboten.

lots of screencaps today, but I'm really struggling with the funny.

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This is really easy to miss

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Because in a live-fire situation, you won't hear your gun go off

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For reference, this is where I was aiming

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Hell yeah, I am a crack shot

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Where did I get the screwdriver to adjust my gun sights?

I went through 4 clips of ammo before having my gun properly sighted, but didn't screencap it because it's boring. You know you got it right because you get points for it.

Back to the Homicide office...

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Protip: "Jesse" is a boy's name. "Jessie" is short for Jessica.

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Of course he did.

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Thanks for reminding me what my partner's name was. After working with him for literally years, I keep forgetting.

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I believe that is what being assigned to the case means.

I haven't been rude to Captain Hall for a while, so I guess I'll read the stuff on his desk that is none of my business.

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Thanks for writing down your passwords in plain sight! That must be how you get to be a Captain.

Time to violate Section 342.1 of the Criminal Code of Canada. I guess it must be OK in Lytton.

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Ever heard of replacing passwords with asterisks so that shouldersurfing assholes can't access confidential information? Neither have I.

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Good to know there's an internal affairs investigation going on so that I can tamper with it.

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I told them I wasn't the gremlin. I smurfing told them.

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Who needs computers when you can use old-fashioned paper files?

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That looks nothing like the mug shot in the copy protection manual

OK, time to tamper with an internal affairs investigation that's none of my business!

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That must have been the morally correct thing to do. I got points for it

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Seems to be the logical place to start an investigation, since there are no other leads

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I didn't screencap it, but if I forget to close the locker, some joker steals my gun.

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Not just anyone can get into the jail. If that hadn't worked, I'd have just gone and committed a crime.

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Wait, didn't I literally just do that?

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Oh.

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"I wasn't planning on stealing it, I just know minute details about the vehicles of all of my co-workers

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Does anyone actually name babies Sherman anymore?

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Time to head back to the office, right? Nope.

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Dispatch knew about Pate's car too? Man, everyone must be jealous of that guy's ride

*skip some drivel*

I arrive at the airport and have a peek at Pate's car. Looks like there's a print on the glove compartment.

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Oh, so Bains has a gun now. Joy.

Haines tracks down a woman whose car has been stolen from the mall parking lot.

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Well, that's something anyways

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I love how you can play this game even if you only speak caveman

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Me say you, radio gun. I think I lost a couple of points here by not radioing gun again when the game failed to listen to what I actually said.

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Leave me the smurf alone, Dispatch, I'm trying to get back to the office.

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Easy money. I've played this game before, so I already know the jogger is a chick.

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Am I the only one that thinks of Trading Places when someone makes a one dollar bet?

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"...but it was actually just ketchup. Oh, and there was a gun-toting maniac in the bushes."

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Imagine! Footprints, on a jogging trail!

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I can tell by the ominous music that I will be in danger here. GUN TIME!

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THAT'S RIGHT, BAINS. SHOTS FIRED.

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Hell yes it does. I got you once, Bains, and I'll get you again.

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Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.

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Whoops, forgot the comma

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But Pate is probably fine, right?

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Why not, we're closer to water than American beer

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Evidence sorted.

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Practicing to become a hobo

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I literally can't do anything without finding evidence against Dr. Moriarty Bains

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I wonder what it'll say?

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Yeah, I thought he might have been in the general vicinity, based on the subtle clue that he jumped out of the bushes and shot at me.

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For plot reasons, yes I do.

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((No, this doesn't actually work in-game. For some reason, EoFF slang doesn't work in a game that was written 10 years before EoFF even existed))

The first thing I see diving is a shiny shiny.

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It's what I have instead of a brain

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I shall ponder this while the air in my tank is rapidly depleting

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All that glisters is not gold;
Often have you heard that told:
Many a man his life hath sold
But my outside to behold:
Gilded tombs do worms enfold.
Had you been as wise as bold,
Young in limbs, in judgement old
Your answer had not been inscroll'd
Fare you well, your suit is cold.

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ME LIKE SHINY

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Damn, I already had one of those

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I was really hoping for more shinies

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But he's going to be OK, right?

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It's about time that bastard did something useful

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Pffft, he'll get better

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...is the name of my new band

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Not that I'll ever actually get there.

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And sure enough!

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Who would have thought a hotly-pursued fugitive would try to skip town?

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Guess I have to follow

At the airport, I see a car that looks exactly like the one Bains drove off in, probably because it is.

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Because yes, I'm that vain.

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Shiny, shiny

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Bains has never heard of gloves.

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...used to be called Radio Free Europe

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Uh, yeah, we established that this was the stolen car based on the time Bains tried to run me over with it.

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Sure, why not?

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Might as well take the obvious tack.

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Apparently, Bains didn't think to either shave or try to act natural

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Why would Bains make a run for the Mexican border when Canada is right there and English-speaking?

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Translation into realistic: "Oh. What the hell do you want?"

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Communism Houston was just a red herring

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Who smiles when they're being questioned by the police?

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Apparently Pate's ID didn't have a photo.

Job well done, but I gotta take a wicked yes.

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Because who doesn't check inside the toilet tank when pissing?

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Wow. Nice. Nobody will ever find it there, because it's a well known fact that airports don't have janitors.

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I don't know why, but it's worth points.

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Now watch as the game reacts to this by radioing in anything but the rental car.

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Called it.

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Are there really so many guns littered in the path of fleeing fugitives that this comes as any surprise?

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We knew what he was driving at every stage of this game and didn't get him.

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MASSIVE AMOUNT OF POINTS INCOMING

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Wait, did I catch Bains while I wasn't paying attention?

Guess I'll call Marie and tell her I'm done for the day.

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Guess she doesn't know it's closed.

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I'm sure Marie will need a drive when she finds out they're closed

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Open? Where were they when I was hungry and skipping work?

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God dammit, I just left the office, let's not talk about work, OK?

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Clingy.

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Screw the cheap meals, I'm a detective now!

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"My name's Marie Wilkans and I'm a walking 60s stereotype!"

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That means we smurf.

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I thought this was Police Quest II, not The Numberwang Code

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You were already talking to me. You don't need to shout my name again in the middle of it

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"Itsa me, Mario, and I too am a walking stereotype!" Not sure why we care about the owner's name though.

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Points.

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Body in the trunk. How predictable.

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I wonder who it could be?

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SHERLOCK HOLMES RIDES AGAIN!

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In spite of this, I did not recognise the name when Mario said it 30 seconds ago. In his hands, he has a corner of an envelope...I wonder what's on it?

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AN ADDRESS! Shocking!

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You're not funny! (haw haw)

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The coroner is a dick.

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Better have a look in that trunk that we just emptied of a dead guy

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Stay classy, Bains.

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This address turns to be the warehouse where I tried to score weed off of a kid while I was jigging work.

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Got you, Bains.

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YOUR ASS IS MINE!

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...as long as I have lots of heavily-armed friends to do all the real work back me up just like last time

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All is in readiness. But what shall I do while waiting for backup to arrive?

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So shortsighted. Millions could have been spared.

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It's all shiny and hot off of the press!

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I could bust down the door, but lazy

Finally, backup arrives.

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I had no idea what his name was. When I looked it up later, it turned out to be Melvin. I was close, though.

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GUN TIME!

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See those pixels on the cement? That's blood. MY blood. Smurfing thing was boobytrapped.

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One would think that a SWAT team would have gas masks so that I wouldn't have to wait for the gas to clear so I could go in while any potentially murderous drug kingpins who want me dead would still be incapacitated

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Who would have thought that the shotgun blast that tore through the door could have been caused by *gasp* a shotgun?

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Sure, I could reconnoiter the room to make sure that Bains isn't waiting in the bathroom for an opportunity to shoot me, but hey look, blood sample.

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Might as well, getting low on condoms

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That's not what it says.

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Always check for monsters.

On the other side, I see a tube of lipstick, so I grab it. NOT FOR MYSELF.

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As I conveniently learned just last night for no reason

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I am not being creepy. I am not being creepy. I am not being creepy

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Whew. There was evidence here after all

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I can't remember why I took 3 screenshots here instead of one, but I'm pretty sure it was an awesome joke that we'll never know now.

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Is it wrong to bring Keith along for a booty call? This is not wrong. This is definitely not wrong.

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Ooh, a note. Perhaps I shall read it.

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Plausible enough, sounds like something she'd wri...wait, love?

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Wait, does that mean Bains is the one sent his love?

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I'm a bachelor. Aren't apartments supposed to look like this?

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Bains, if you can't remember who you plan on killing, perhaps you should, y'know, not kill them.

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Well, Bains has my girlfriend, whose name appears on his list of people to kill. Might as well do some paperwork!

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Points inbound! They will keep me company on those cold, lonely nights that are sure to come after Bains savagely murders my girlfriend

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That was quick.

Colby's business card has a Steelton address, better call the Steelton cops and let them know a murderous psychopath is probably headed their way.

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Lovely weather we're having. How are you? Wait, there might be something more important to discuss, such as the psychotic murderer who is coming soon to a theatre near you.

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Miller will, naturally, know exactly who Bains is.

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He seemed lonely the last time he tried to shoot me in the head. Surely he'll want some phone time.

I head to burglary to ask about the shotgun we recovered from the motel room

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So Bains not only has my girlfriend, but also a lot of guns. Terrific news.

Since I slammed my gun hand against the wall at the motel, I'd better check my gun sights

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Here's where I'm aiming

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Eh, my aim is fine.

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Bains is going to Steelton, so I'm going to Steelton.

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This is what happens if you don't press the crosswalk button before crossing

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Oh well, I guess Bains gets away with it. Too bad about Marie, though.

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I already did. I don't have that kind of money. Well, I do, but I'm saving for a new TV.

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Smurf you too, buddy.

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Same old Larry

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Safety first. Hopefully this will be a nice, uneventful flight

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Yes, you can get drunk on the flight

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I complained about Carol's coffee in PQ1, and I complain about the airline coffee in PQ2. This is because I do not like coffee. I still drink it, though.

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Tell you when you're older

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This scene needs more stereotypes

For no reason whatsoever, the hijacker pushes his hostage and she falls over, leaving me with a clear line of fire.

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KHAAAAANNNNNN!

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Which, conveniently, is in English

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Nice of them to carry exactly what is needed to defuse the bomb.

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I read these instructions in a Russian accent due to the failure to use the definite article.

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Notice that the timer isn't at 0:01 at the time I defuse the bomb? This is because unlike movie cops, I am actually competent

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By which I mean I followed the instructions which Egyptian hijackers courteously translated into English for me prior to hijacking the plane. Nice fellows. Perhaps I shouldn't have shot and killed them both.

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Whose name does not matter at all, so henceforth I shall refer to him as Chuck.

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The only people left on Bains' hit list are me and Marie now. Well, he's had lots of time to kill Marie, so probably just me, actually.

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Remember PQ1? Burt Park is in Lytton.

Sixteen seconds after the marked squad car drives away, some dude with a mohawk tries to mug me, but I have a gun.

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Petition to make Keith change his last name to Murtagh

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Why? Lytton PD is closer. I like how we flew out to Steelton, talked to a couple of cops, had them drive us alllllll the way back to Lytton (and drop us off at Burt Park instead of the office), and now we're sending a local mugger back to Steelton for no reason

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"Evidence of recent use?" What the hell does that mean?

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I could open it, but instead I'll just move it

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See that pipe on the far right? If I walk in front of it, I die. Same thing happens if I misstep. Apparently these sewers have the universe's swiftest current and touching the sewage gets one instantly swept under and drowned in urine and feces.

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A gas mask in a sewer? Someone's got a sense of humour

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IT'S METHANE GAS! No, that's not my joke, in the game you can actually die from inhalation of methane gas.

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Yes, I'm actually wearing a gas mask to protect myself from concentrated fart smell.

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That's the only room in the sewer, it must be where Bains is living.
Yes, he broke out of jail, where he has free meals, hot showers, internet access, and probably a PS3, to live in a room surrounded by piss and trout at all times.


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Stereotype time again! If I don't "calm marie" she freaks out and brings Bains running

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So? I have a gun, too, and now Bains doesn't have a hostage.

If I do the sensible thing and point my gun at the door so that I've got the drop on Bains and he knows it as soon as he walks in, Bains auto-wins the shootout -- apparently he can assess the situation, draw his weapon, and fire it faster than I can react.

Instead, I'll hide behind those pipes like a coward and plug him before he even knows I'm here.

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That's what you told me at the end of PQ1. *shoots Bains in the head several times for good measure*

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That's one upside to being a cop: The consequence of fatally shooting someone is a paid vacation. *passes out police academy recruitment flyers to psychopaths*

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Yes, I would say pulling the trigger over and over and over again counts as some measure of involvement in the discharge of my weapon.

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I fired first. The first indicator Bains had that I was even there was my bullet through his head. Luckily I know how to lie to a review board.

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The review board didn't seem to catch on to the fact that every time Bains crosses my path, gunfire is involved and it's not even a little bit reluctant.

All's well that ends well; Bains is dead, I'm the one who killed him, and I'm getting paid for it instead of going to jail.

I didn't screencap the rest of it because it's formulaic and cloying; Sonny is awarded a commendation for killing Bains (Keith gets nothing), gets sent on a department-funded vacation to the Bahamas, and pops the question to Marie, who says yes, probably because as a syphilitic ex-prostitute, she doesn't exactly have a million options. This has been your run-on sentence for the day.

THE END