ToriJ Plays Final Fantasy VII

Attachment 53188

Oh, Final Fantasy VII. How long has it been? Too long! That how long it's been. It's time for a refresher course in all things VII. I'm going back to Gaia. I'm going back to Midgar. I'm going back to places and things that I haven't seen in a while and I'm taking you all with me. So sit tight, this is going to be a bumpy ride! Do you think it will be as good as VI? (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) Shut up! Smurfing voices :mad:

The first thing I see in this new world of adventure is space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship-- *Aerith's face appears on screen* Oh. Never mind. The flower girl is just chilling out walking down the street as the camera pulls away and show Midgar in all its glory! Where am I during all of this? On a train going, "Choo! Choo!" It's cool, I know all about trains from my time in Timber. We stopped at the train station and start kicking some train men asses! This black dude tells me to follow him and so I do... RIGHT INTO SHINRA TROOPS! They don't even stop for the other guy nor does he stop for them. Nope they come right at me and he lets them too. It's because I have spiky hair, isn't it?

Unfortunately for them I'm an ex member of SOLDIER so they don't stand a chance. I meet up with the rest of my teammates called AVALANCHE! WHY ARE YOU YELLING!? There's Biggs, Wedge, Jessie and the leader of the gang Baracus. That's right, I called him Baracus. You wanna fight? (How unoriginal) At least he actually used his name from the show. Jessie and Baracus doesn't trust me but Biggs backs me up. I'm too much of a dick to thank him so I just say I don't care what any of their names are. I only care about money and hair gel. Defying Gravity.

We stormed the No. 1 Mako Reactor, Wedge stays behind to secure our exit and Biggs and Jessie use the security codes their teammates died for to get us inside the building. Baracus keeps talking about how the planet is dying and getting all mad at me when I tell him I don't care. Did I join an environmentalist group? He takes exception to this and goes inside of me-- I mean, tags with me. Yeah, tag with me.

By the time we get to plant the bomb I have a killer brain freeze and a voice telling me to look out. Look out! This isn't just a reactor! Yeah, thanks. They didn't need the visual aid. I snap out of it and set up the bomb. SOLDIER teaches us how to plant bombs too *nods* That sets off the security system or whatever and a giant ass Scorpion robot thing attacks us! Don't attack when it tail is up!

Baracus: *shoots at it when tail is up*

WHAT THE SMURF DID I JUST SAY?!

We kill the boss and get the hell out of there. Jessie got her foot caught so I helped her up, because I don't care, except for the times when I do. We make it out of the Mako Reactor just in time to watch it explode and then split up to board the Sector 8 train. Towns are numbered because no one can remember their names. And I thought I had a bad memory. Quit foreshadowing, Tori. Sorry.

I ask Baracus about my money, or at least try to, but he cuts me off already knowing what I was going to ask and say we can discuss it back at the hideout. On the way I bump into a girl selling flowers and took one for a gil. She is REALLY underselling these. I mean, they're rare, they should be going for a lot more than 1 gil. Oh well. So, I get cornered by a bunch of Shinra troops who ain't worth my time and I jump on the approaching train like a bawse because I'm cool like that. Baracus was upset and clearly worried about me, but he wouldn't admit it. Jessie cleaned up my face and thanked me for helping her back at the reactor. I think she has a crush on me.

Jessie takes me aside and shows me some things on the train. We make it back to the hideout after Baracus shoots the place up. It's a good thing people don't run out of ammo in this game. I head inside first with the others and meet up with my childhood friend, Zira. Whom I bought a Fire Materia for later.

Zira: No one is going to get that reference.

Shut up.

Zira: Flowers for me? Oh ToriJ you shouldn't have!

Well, ain't ya fool of yourself today, Miss Sunshine? *gives flower to Marlene* Now maybe Baracus will lay off my ass.

I fight again with Baracus downstairs and tell him I want my money so I can leave. Because I don't care and trout. Zira cuts me off at the exit and remind me of a promise I apparently made as a kid. Dammit, kid me. Why you have to go and do that? After we're done with our nostalgia trip Baracus climbs up to the top floor because the elevator isn't his style and gives me 1500 gils.

1500? 1500!? I'm insulted. I'll do the next gig for 3000.

Baracus: That money for Marlene's schoolin'. 2000!

Okay 2000. But there better not be no power outage.

We go to bed and the next morning Zira asks me how I slept. I slept next to her so I slept just fine.

Zira: I don't get what you mean...

I think you get EXACTLY what I mean, woman. Baracus wants me to explain how Materia works so I do. After I'm done he's standing there breathing like he just got done from a huge run. Jesus. Zira tells me not to forget to visit the man upstairs. What do you mean upstairs? You don't have an upstairs. Oh, you mean the building across from us? Why didn't you just say the building across from us, then? Make me look for stairs that aren't there, what the matter with you?

Zira: Take care of the shop while we're gone, Marlene.

That answers that.

So I go over to this place and get the All Materia after I lay down my superior knowledge to some kids.

Save Point: Hi.

What the smurf?

Save Point: I'm a save. Don't forget to use me to save your game while on the road.

Okay...

Treasure Chest: HEEEEEEEEEY!

AHHHHH!

Treasure Chest: I'm a Treasure Chest, be sure to keep a look out for me.

What the hell.

Cursor: Sup?

Let get the hell out of here!

*breathes* Okay, that was too smurfing wield. Or, as they say in the Slums, "That was @()$&*#)$*(#) weird!" Right, next stop is the Mako Reactor in Sector 5 and this time Zira is coming with us. Hey, Johnny.

Johnny: This is goodbye. You better take care of Zira.

What?

Johnny: *runs off*

What was that about?

Long Story short, this gun' be good.

I love it when you do a ToriJ plays, it always inspires me to play the game your playing (if I have said game), and I have been thinking about VII for a while now (what with the remake rumour flying about the internet) so I'm gunna play too!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Carl the Llama

I love it when you do a ToriJ plays, it always inspires me to play the game your playing (if I have said game), and I have been thinking about VII for a while now (what with the remake rumour flying about the internet) so I'm gunna play too!

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Thanks! Together you and I shall rule Gaia as Supreme Overlords! Assuming the planet doesn't die first.

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All right, so me and the rest of the group board the train and Zira wants to look at that screen with me but I already seen it. Sorry, Z, you'll have to act faster than that if you want to score. I have a lot of suitors, being the handsome ex-SOLDIER First Class that I am.

Suddenly the lights go out! Red alert! All hands to battle stations! The fake IDs got discovered and now they were doing a whole system sweep of the train. Someone dun goof!

We have to move from cart to cart to avoid being locked down. Some PUNK tried to steal some gil from me but I was having none of that. NONE OF THAT! I cornered that bastard and got my money back with time to spare. I met up with the rest of AVALANCHE to see Biggs, Wedge and Jessie in a disguise. Jessie was dressed up like a man. I complimented Jessie and told her she made a good man. She was happy. She thinks. When I get my dress and wig we can roleplay.

I have a little back and forth with Zira and Baracus says, "Not now you two!" Hey, you're not my daddy! We jump off the train and continue down the tracks until an energy field blocks out path. I find a duct and we go down there to meet up with the others. Jessie, who ditched her disguise apparently, admits that the reason the fake IDs didn't work was because she put more work into mine than the others that triggered the security system on the train. Aww. Don't blame yourself, Jess. You're still my favorite.

We make it inside the Mako Reactor, which looks exactly like the last Mako Reactor. Shinra not a fan of variety, are they? We make it down to the basement and I set another bomb, not before having another freakout. This time I have a flashback of Zira's dead father and Zira going to get revenge on Sephiroth. I don't know what I'm on but it's some good trout, I'll tell you what.

I set the bomb and for some reason there isn't a timer or anything. Oh well. We make it upstairs and have to press three control panels at once to open the door. I botch it up get it perfectly on the first try because I was a member of SOLDIER First Class.

By the time we get to the bridge we find ourselves cornered by Shinra and get a visit from the President himself. He asked for my name. Name? You need to know my name!? It's ToriJ, bitch!

President Shinra: You're good, but you're no Sephiroth!
Me: You're starting to piss me off right now!

The President can't stay so he leaves us alone to fight a robot and takes off on a helicopter. The robot separates us and we fight! After beating it the robot explodes taking out the bridge and I'M HANGING ON BY A THREAD! I'm too far away from the others so they can't reach me. Welp, I guess this is goodbye. Short game, what was the other two discs for I wonder?

Don't fret, boys! I don't die. I fall and conveniently crash through the roof of a church and into a flower bed. That how you fall to your death, Tidus. Amateur. While I'm unconscious I hear a voice. Hey! Not you, fool. Aww! Someone is talking to me but smurf if I know who it is. I wake up to meet... FLOWER GIRL! She asks if I remember her, I never forget a face. Especially such a pretty one with green eyes and a bow. Smooth, Tori, real smooth.

We talk, I apologize for ruining her flowers and she introduces herself as... *types in a name* Alexis!

Alexis: No one is going to get that reference either.

Shut up.

Next thing I know I'm her bodyguard in exchange for a date. Works for me. Some weirdo walks into the church and I confront him. He reveals himself to be Reno of the Turks and he's accompanied by Shinra troops. This has the potential to get ugly real quick so we hightail it, but not before Alexis tell them not to step on the flowers.

Reno steps on the flowers. Dick.

We run up the stairs and all is well until the Shinra troops shoot at Alexis -- I don't think they understand how capturing people alive work -- and she falls back down to the floor. I get up on the... rafters? We'll call them rafters. I get up there and start attacking the troops with BARRELS! That's right, no drawn out battles for you. DO A BARREL ROLL! I safely guide Alexis up the stairs and to the roof of the church as Shinra continues to search for us. I guess they didn't think to go up the stairs.

I inquire to why they're after her and she just tells me because they may think she has what it takes to be in SOLDIER. But after leaping from rooftop to rooftop I can see they're dead wrong. We make it to the town in Sector 6 and look around for a bit. While we're exploring we find a sick man in a pipe.

Alexis: This man are sick.

Midgar education at its finest, folks.

We make it to her home that is covered in flowers! This is easily the prettiest part of Midgar I've seen so far. I meet Alexis' mother, she seems nice. I tell Alexis I need to head back to Zira's bar. Alexis asks if she's a girlfriend. I shake my head no and she laughs. Alexis tells her mom she's going to escort me to Sector 7 but her mother manages to convince her to go to bed first and then ask if I can leave without her. All right, all right, I'll leave.

After getting some rest and another flashback about my mother telling me I should date an older woman, I sneak out of Alexis' house and head to Sector 7!

Only to be cut off by Alexis.

SON OF A BITCH!

How the hell did you cut me off when you couldn't even keep up with me before? Screw it, I guess I'm bringing you with me. We make it through a Construction Yard where we're ambushed by...

A HOUSE! A SMURFING HOUSE IS BOMBING US WHAT THE SMURF IS THIS TROUT?! IS THIS SECRET? IS THIS WHAT THE BEGINNER'S HALL WAS WARNING ME ABOUT?!

We managed to defeat the terrifying house and make it to a swingset and climb on top of the slide. Alexis gets to talk about her ex-boyfriend who apparently was also in SOLDIER. But when I asked who it was she wouldn't give me a name. Alex, I swear to Gaia, if that name is Sephiroth I am going to go ballistic!

During this a carriage -- who uses carriages anymore -- rides past us and I spot Zira in the back in a blue dress. I don't know, red and black seems more her colors. Anyway, after I recognize and call out her name Alexis runs after them despite my protest and I follow her, making our way to Wall Market. Oh, hey, Johnny. The smurf you doing here?

Alexis and I make it to Wall Market and agree that this was no place for a woman so we ask around about Zira. We're taken to the entrance of Don Corneo's mansion, but they won't let guys in since he's looking for a bride and he only wants to see potential suitors. Alexis offers to go in and look for Zira, but hell no! I ain't letting her go in there by herself. We need a plan.

Alexis decides that I should dress up like a girl. *looks at name, avatar and everything else people know about me* Sounds like a solid plan.

First, we go to the dress shop only to find that the man who make clothes have went away due to lack of inspiration. We find him drinking away his sorrows at the local bar and managed to convince him coming back to work to make girl clothes for a man. I try on the dress-- dammit, Alexis, no peeping! Pervert. Anyway, I try on the dress but Alex says I need a wig. The shop owner points us in the direction of the gym which is apparently filled with my sort.

The smurf you mean my sort?

Before that though I go to the Honeybee Inn. Alexis waits outside as I go in and pick a room. Doing some peeping of my own I see a King talking about the Shinra President and an old couple just relaxing. I also get some ladies to put makeup on me, at least, I think they did. All they did was go "Ohh!" after I asked. What? You never seen a man put on makeup before?

I have my choice between Group Room and the #%&*(@ room. I have no idea what a #%&*(@ room is so I go with the Group Room. Thinking I was going to be surrounded by ladies I find myself surrounded by men. Well played, Honeybee Inn. Well played. I end up in a hot tub for an... uncomfortable amount of time before being let out, but not before being handed a pair of panties briefs? I'm supposed to wear this? Ugh.

I head to the gym next and do some squats with some big, buff black guy for a wig. The things we do for women. The 'woman' we thought was weighing herself in the gym earlier is actually Bro. Not bad... Anyway, I do five more squats than the other guy and take off with the wig. Alexis and I get dressed up and make our way for Don Corneo's mansion. We're let in and told to wait by the man at the front desk giving us the chance to search for Zira. We find her in the basement, a torture room. The levels of BDSM is strong in here. Zira tells us that she's here to interrogate the Don about... AVALANCHE business? I don't remember. Anyway, it's decided, mainly by the women and I get no say whatsoever, that the three of us are going to be presented to the Don and the one he chooses has to be Zira. All right, sound like a solid enough plan.

Except that Don chooses Alexis instead.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-!

Zira is taken back to the torture room and I'm taken to another room with Don's men who have apparently been infected by the T-Virus or something because they're walking around like a bunch of mindless zombies. As is the norm in my life, I reveal to the people around me that I am actually a man and they are less than thrilled about it. They attack! I bolt them to death and leave the room to meet up with Zira who already escaped the man Don gave her to. We meet up with Alexis in Don's bedroom and threaten to do TERRIBLE things to his balls if he doesn't start talking.

Don squeals that he told Shinra about our hideout and that Shinra was going to drop the plate above Sector 7 destroying the whole sector. When we go to leave he asks me what does it mean when people like him give out information. I answered, "They think they already won."

Oh trout! *falls through trapdoor* YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

We wake up in the sewers where we're attacked by a monster. I forgot to equip materia so this is going to be a huge pain in my ass. Oh well. We defeat the monster and make our way out of the sewers, through a train graveyard maze and FINALLY make our way back to Sector 7 where AVALANCHE members are already battling Shinra up above on the tower thingy. Whatever it's called, I don't care.

Wedge falls down into the ground and manages to says some word before passing out. Sorry, no. You don't fall from that height and survive I don't care how big and round you are. Zira asks Alexis if she can go get Marlene from the bar while we go up to help the other AVALANCHE members. Biggs is injured and so is Jessie. Jessie talks about how pleased she is to speak with me one last time and I tell her to quit talking like that.

We get to Baracus up at the top who's shooting at the helicopter flying over head and we're joined once again by Reno who starts the timer on the bomb to take down the plate. We fight him off, but it's too late. We can't defuse the bomb and to make matters worse the smurfing Turks got Alex!

Well, I guess this is it. C'mere, Zira! Oh, wait, Baracus found a cable we can go down. Okay. We do that and make it out of Sector 7 before the whole thing comes crashing down. Wedge, Biggs, Jessie, everyone is smurfed. Except Marlene. Alexis mentioned that she was safe so we went back to her house in Sector 6 to find her. There, Alexis' mother tells us about the time she found Alexis with her mom at the train station and raised her from there. The Last Ancient, they call her. She even managed to sense the death of her husband before she got the official news, but always tried so hard to hide who she is and has been running from Shinra since she was a child.

Marlene thinks Alexis likes me. I don't know. Marlene proceeds to call me stupid over and over again because I keep pressing circle. I had enough of hanging around this place so I'm going to go save Alexis. Baracus and Zira join me and we make up for Shinra, Inc. We return to Wall Market and find some kids going east near the entrance of Don's mansion to find a cable that leads up to the upper-city. Our climb is stopped by lack of batteries so we go back down to the Weapons Shop to get some. Some climbing, jumping and leaping later we arrive at Shinra Headquarters where Baracus wants to barge the front door. Zira thinks that's a stupid idea. I agree. We find another way in through the staircase.

Oh sweet Gaia, the staircase. It just goes on and on and on. I get the feeling the base in Shadow Moses was inspired by this blasted staircase! We nearly wear out all our stamina just going up the damn thing! We finally reach the top after what feels like forever and battle some guards before entering the elevator to take us to the 60th floor where we sneak by more guards. From there we have to find keycard this, keycard that. Keycard, keycard, keycard! This is ridiculous! Smurf you, Shinra!

On one of the floors President Shinra and his men are having a meeting. We manage to find an air duct in the bathroom and climb up it to listen in through the vent. The damage done to Sector 7 is estimated to be 10 billion gils and the President has no plans to rebuild and they're also blaming the explosion on AVALANCHE. Bastards. Hojo enters the meeting and starts talking about the specimen. She has a name, ass! We depart the duct and follow Hojo to the next floor where we see some kind of four-legged red creature that might be a part of the cat family and I see a headless alien thing branded Jenova. Baracus asks where its head is at. Hell if I know. I've taken on another person's life you expect me to remember trout?

There's an elevator that goes down where Hojo took off in and I expect we'll find Alexis down there. Don't worry, Flower Girl, your bodyguard is on the way :cool:

We go down to the next level to find Alexis in a capsule with the red thingy by Hojo with the intent to have them mate. WTF, Hojo? You have some freaky kinks going on there.

What would a child of theirs look like anyway? Don't go there, mind. Don't go there, mind. Don't go ther--! Dammit!

The joke's on Hojo because we have guns! Shoot it, Baracus! He shoots it and the capsule lights up like the 4th of July. "My specimen!" Hojo cries. Excuse me, she has a name. I typed it in I demand she be called as such. The light dies down and the door opens allowing the red thing to attacks Hojo. Yeah! Eat him! Eat him aliv--! Or not. Whatever. Your choice.

Alexis seems to be okay, but before we can have a happy reunion we hear an elevator coming this way. The red thing reveals it can talk and that the creature is dangerous and he'll help us. When asked for a name he said, "Hojo called me Red XIII, a name that means nothing to me. You may call me what you like." Okay. I shall call you Kragen. "The smurf a Kragen?" Go away, Sandor.

We defeat the monster and then split up into two pairs to meet up on the 66th floor. I get a keycard for the 68th floor from a scared Shinra employee on the way. As we enter the elevator we're cornered by the Turks and head up to the top floor to meet the President. The President explains that he is seeking the Promise Land -- I thought Moses already found it, but okay -- so that he can drain its Mako and build Neo Midgar. After the corny villain speech we're taken to a holding cell where we sleep and then wake up to find everyone is dead. Man, that was some sleep walking.

Okay, okay, so it wasn't me. The big ass sword left in President Shinra's back reveals that the killer was Sephiroth. While we're discussing his motives a helicopter lands outside with Vice President, and Shinra's son, Rufus. We meet him outside and he explains that he is now President and will rule the world through fear. So you're pretty much going to be like any other ruler throughout history? Okay. I tell the others to get out of here and they get into a battle in the elevator with some machine while I face Rufus one on one. Man to man. Blond to blond!

Me: Sword!
Rufus: Shotgun.
Me: SMURF! *takes a buckshot to the face*

I rip a page from Geroge's book and poison his ass and meet up with my comrades downstairs on a motorcycle! I escort the others out of Shinra and down the highway slashing at soldiers who past me on their own bikes and wondering why the hell Baracus isn't shooting at these smurfers while he's sitting in the back. YOU HAVE A GUN! We make it to the end of the road and have to fight a big machine thingy before deciding that we have to leave Midgar in search of Sephiroth and the Promise Land to save the Planet.

We head out and meet at the closest town. Everyone tells me I'm late even though I'm just a few seconds behind Alexis and Kragen, but whatever. I tell them the story of Sephiroth's last mission as a sane individual where we went to my hometown of Nibelheim to investigate an old Mako Reactor. My memory is as bad as ever as I keep thinking I went into buildings I didn't, I visited my mother and I took Zira's panties out of her dresser while she wasn't home.

Zira: TORIJ!

I regret nothing.

We sleep for the night and learn that Zira is our guide to the Mako Reactor. And she's in a cowgirl outfit for some reason. Okay. I tell her it's too dangerous but she's like, "Smurf that." And Sephiroth tells me I can protect her. Kay. We take a picture by some kid and head off down an old bridge that breaks and we all fall on our face. While there we find a... Mako fountain? I forgot what it was, but Sephiroth was explaining to us about the Ancients, which we learned back at Shinra are called the Cetra, and when Mako is condensed it's turned into materia. Sephiroth was surprised I didn't know that being in SOLDIER and all. Also, if I'm SOLDIER First Class, why the hell am I a level one weakling? Trout isn't measuring up here :shifty:

We make it to the Mako Reactor and tell Zira to wait outside with the guard. While inside we see a room titled 'Jenova' hey, Sephiroth, isn't that your mother's name? nvm it's probably nothing. We find a monster in one of the capsules and Sephiroth comes to a starling realization and starts to freak out slashing trout with his sword. I would have "calm the smurf down punch" him but he was a higher level than me. We went back to the city and Sephiroth closed himself up in the old Shinra mansion. I found him in the basement and he said he wanted to be alone so I slept upstairs.

The next day I return to the basement and Sephiroth is calling me a traitor. WTF? He kept rambling on and on about Jenova, Cetra, people turning away from how they traveled to live an easier life, Planet didn't belong to us, blah blah blah. Sephiroth starts to laugh and leaves the mansion. By the time I catch up to him EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE! One of the villagers asks if I'm still sane. Legit question. I help out with the village but act like a car or something broke down instead of my entire home being burnt to the ground! Until I meet up with Sephiroth at the reactor.

I get to the reactor to find Zira mourning the loss of her father, she takes Sephiroth's sword -- he is really bad at holding onto that -- and follows Sephiroth to the next room. And as can be expected she gets her ass handed to her. I help her up and over to the side of the room and confront Sephiroth. We do battle and I can't remember how the smurf I survived the encounter.

We leave the city after getting some stuff and go to the Chocobo Ranch. I listen to some Chocobo sing and dance and got a Chocobo/Mog summon materia that I gave to Alexis. I CAN SUMMON A CHOCOBO! But to ride one we must catch one with lure and stuff. So we run around outside the farm looking for a damn Chocobo and... I HATE THIS PART SO SMURFING MUCH! THIS IS THE WORST PART OF THE GAME WHY CAN'T I JUST SUMMON THE CHOCOBO I GOT AT THE FARM AND RIDE IT?!

Anyway, we finally managed to catch one and go safely across the swamp? I'll go with swamp. We find a huge ass monster impaled on some kind of spike or something thinking Sephiroth did it and then went through a cave where we ran into the Turks again and their new recruit. I forgot her name. Some blond. She kept blabbing out their plans and whatnot. Thanks, lady! We make our way out of the cave, enter a town that's in a long war with Shinra with a guy asking for our help. But he says I better finish whatever I'm doing first so I take his advice and head to Junon.

I note that Junon looks run down as smurf before we look around the town. We encounter a child playing with her dolphin by the water before a huge ass monster attacks us!

Monster: SMURFING BUBBLES!
Me: What? Oh no! I'm in a bubble!
Kragen: I too am in a bubble. I guess it's up to Alexis to save us.
Me: We're screwed.
Alexis: ICE AND SUMMONS!
Monster: WTF? AHH! *dies horribly*

That was unexpected. The girl's father -- or grandfather I'm not sure -- comes in and demands I give her CPR. I do that for a couple of minutes before she finally came to. The next day I start to wonder where Zira was before being our guide out to the Mako Reactor and ask, but she avoids the question and our attention goes to all the noise coming from the upper city. We find that the child is okay and she's so happy for our help that she gives us the Shiva materia. You had a summon and you didn't use it!?

With her whistle and dolphin I make my way up to the upper city to find out what all of the noise is about. Shinra is having a parade! And one of their commanders think I work for them. Wow, Shinra isn't good with telling its men apart, are they? I put on a Shinra uniform and go deep undercover. We're late for the parade so we have to sneak in. TV ratings are improved by the incident so well that I get six potions!

We meet up with Rufus after the parade and do a sendoff for him. He's so impressed I get an item! I have no idea what it was or what it does, but it's still an item dammit! The gang and myself sneak aboard the vessel Rufus boarded because the airship wasn't working and while we're there Sephiroth makes an appearance.

Sephiroth: Who the hell are you?
Me: I the hell am ToriJ!

Sephiroth leaves a piece of Jenova behind and we do battle! After the fight we get the Ifrit materia and leave the vessel right under Shinra's noses. As expected Rufus isn't the least bit happy. SMURF YOU, RUFUS!

We make it to Costa del Sol where we find Hojo. We try to press information out of him about the ancients and whatnot but he isn't talking. Instead of making him talk we just walk away and leave him there. Okay. We leave Costa and makes it down a bunch of train tracks until we arrived at Baracus' hometown of Corel Village. And the people there are complete asses to him. When we ask what is up he explains that long ago they agreed to let Shinra build a reactor to improve their city and then they burned down the village and somehow that equate to it being his fault. I mean, what kind of a person blames the people who are ACTUALLY responsible for the town's destruction?

Next stop: Golden Saucer!

I hate the Gold Saucer. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate

It's a very good, entertaining Let's Play, keep it up :D

Will I agree with shion's opinion on the Gold Saucer? Will Baracus ever find peace with his village? Will Kragen ever get home? Find out... RIGHT NOW!

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We make it to the Gold Saucer only to find out we don't have enough money to enter the Gold Saucer. I can still save, right? NOPE! I need GP to save. SMURF YOU YOU PIECE OF TROUT I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAVE! AHHHHHH!

We go all the way back to Corel Village and through there to the field and do battle with random monsters to get enough gils just so we can advance the plot. Alexis wants to play! Zira think she's being insensitive to Baracus' feelings. Alexis says they should just act natural. Baracus runs off and I'm left with a choice.

Alexis/Zira: TAKE ME WITH YOU ON THE GOLD SAUCER!

Uhh... Kragen?

Kragen: It's a lose-lose situation no matter what you do.

DAMMIT! Maybe I should make a poll--

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Fine! C'mere, Alex!

Alexis: YAY!
Zira: I hate you!
Kragen: ...

We go to the Wonder Square and meet a cat riding on a stuffed mog who's also a fortune teller. I won't ask questions. The cat name is *types* Pandora! What? It's a good name (No it's not) Shaddup! Pandora gives us a fortune that sounds kind of doom and gloom, but he/she doesn't know what it means and has decided to come along with us NO MATTER WHAT WE SAY!

I go up to the arcade to play some games. I arm wrestle with a sumo. Should be easy enoug-- *loses* Okay, let's shoot some hoops! I'm a First Class SOLDIER I should be able to-- *loses* The motorcycle game? *loses* The fighter? *loses* The mog game? *wins because it's the easiest game in the arcade, still has to use two continues* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *trashes the arcade room*

After looking around everywhere we find Shinra troops at the chocobo races. I try my hand at betting.

*loses*

I'm never doing that again. We go to the battle arena which the owner recommended to find a bunch of dead people. Apparently they were shot by somebody with a gun arm.

DUN! DUN! DUNNNNNNNNNNNN!

We're blamed for the incident and end up in a desert prison. SMURF MY LIFE! I didn't want to be in your stinking saucer, anyway. There we find Baracus and get the whole story. Apparently an old buddy of his got the same operation on the opposite arm after being shot by Shinra troops. That man is Marlene's daddy.

DUN! DUN! DUNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Baracus says he godda do what he godda do so we take him along to find his old friend, who is also the boss of the prison. They fight one on one and Baracus comes out victorious. His friend? He's more insane than Sephiroth and jumps off a cliff. We take his necklace and get the clear to go up for the chocobo races. Being the ex-SOLDIER I am-- Oh, smurf it. I lose hard the first time and get it on the second, all right? The owner is told the truth and gives us a car thingy that can go across sand and rivers so we take off on that.

We enter some town and run into Rude and a revived Reno. Apparently, Rude has a crush on Zira. Aww, that's so sweet. Elena has a crush on what's his face, and what's his face has a crush on Alexis. Crushes all around! We do battle with Reno and Rude and kick their asses before coming to a small town where a Mako Reactor blown up. Some old people ask for Zack who was in SOLDIER. I don't remember him. He was Alexis' boyfriend. I hate him already.

While exploring the forest we run into some girl. After defeating her she wants a rematch but I say no. 'Cause I'm scared and we need her. Her name is *types* Yalea and now we have a thief in our midst who's obsessed with materia.

We finally make it to Cosmo Canyon and meet Kragen's grandfather. btw Kragen's real name is Nanaki. There we learn more about the suffering of the planet through a hologram system that his grandfather has. I took Alexis and Baracus since I felt they had the most to benefit from learning. After that we all gather around the fire and talk. Nanaki hates his father who he thinks is a coward and his grandfather takes us through a dangerous dungeon telling us about the battle that happened there. Then we fight some thing and get to the end where his father was there in stone with arrows in him. He wasn't a coward. He saved the whole village!

*manly tear*

Nanaki decides to continue with us and from there we find...

MY HOMETOWN?!

Nibelheim is standing like it was never on fire and if you asked the villagers it never was. No one seems to recognize or remember me and I don't remember them. I am very confused. I don't like being called a liar, no sir! We also see a bunch of guys in bags talking about Reunion and Sephiroth. Sounds like the basis for a bad movie plot. Anyway, we make it inside Shinra Mansion and find Sephiroth in the basement who says he's going north and then leaves the mansion. While still inside we find a safe, then fight a monster, then get a key and materia, then we go downstairs to find a coffin and a red clad vampire talking about who actually gave birth to Sephiroth and whatnot. We talk and talk until he has nothing more to say and before we can leave he asks to come with us. Sure, why not? His name is.. *types* Ranka.

Ranka: *shakes head*
Shaddup. It's funny to the one person on the forum who will get that reference.

Next stop Mt. Nibel!