It has always been one of my dreams (Well, one of my dreams that didn't involve naked women and trifle) to go on a safari. This dream was realised for me in early June and I think the time is ripe to tell my story. It is a very strange tale indeed...
My friend Chris and I arrived in the Mundulea Reserve in Namibia fully equipped and were very excited when our guide, Bruno, took us out on our first day. Upon reaching the first hike point, Bruno informed us that he wouldn't be accompanying us. It turns out he caught a pretty nasty groinal infection after some ill-advised coitus with a Banded Mongoose. Reluctantly, we set out on our own.
After a pleasant hour spotting hyenas, a herd of giraffe and even a couple of ardwolf, we sat down for some mild refreshment. In hindsight, I should have packed the refreshments myself. Chris had brought along two litres of Irn Bru and some LSD strips. We discussed taking the drugs for a mere two seconds before deciding that being on safari would be a safe enough place to get high. The animals were a lot more vocal from this point onwards...
Things started calmly enough. We chatted to a Jackal about his relationship with Bruce Willis and then were told to "smurf off" by a group of meerkat whom we were loudly comparing to each other in Russian accents. It was only when we met Malcolm the Zebra that things began to get a little weird.
Malcolm: "Hello, dear friends. Could you tell me the way to... GET YOUR ASS TO MARS!"
Me: "I'm sorry?"
Malcolm: "YOU BLEW MY COVER!"
Chris: Are you OK, pal?
Malcolm: "My apologies, friends. My name is Malcolm and IF IT BLEEDS WE CAN KILL IT!"
Me: "Are you sure you're OK?"
Malcolm: "Yes. I just find it difficult to hold a conversation without randomly shouting Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes."
Chris: "That's an unusual condition."
Malcolm: "Indeed it is. It can happen at any time. Even when IT'S NOT A TUMOUR!"
Me: "Kindergarten Cop, too?"
Malcolm: "Unfortunately"
Me: "How long have you been like this?
Malcolm: "TWO WEEKS! TWOOO WEEEEEKKKSS!"
Me: "I see. Is there anything..."
Malcolm: "I NEED YOUR CLOTHES, YOUR BOOTS AND YOUR MOTORCYCLE!"
Chris: "We don't have a motor..."
Malcolm: "GET TO THE CHOPPER!"
Me: "We came here in a jeep."
Malcolm: "COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!"
Chris: "..."
Me: "Hang on, Arnie didn't say that. That was Kyle Reese in Terminator."
Malcolm suddenly adopts a strange stare and takes a step towards us and speaks softly...
Malcolm: "...hasta la vista, baby..."
We awoke the following day in Mundulea General Hospital to disapproving looks from all the medical staff. Bruno was incapacitated in the bed next to us with a heavily bandaged groin. We decided that ending our safari early was best for all parties involved.
Thread topic: Has anyone here ever been on safari? If not, would you like to go on one?
